skydyed poetry

hunger, made to crave day two

2014-01-20T13:45:00.001-05:00

chocolates and cheesecakes

french fries

food

too many thoughts occupied

with food

how do i go from this

to craving, yearning, for the courts of

my Lord

desiring

a fullness in my whole soul

top to bottom

Jesus, my Lord

Beginning to read Made to Crave. Also, fasting today and praying for direction for my church. Ironic, maybe, or by design...

As I sit here hungry, I pray for direction for my church community. I pray for God's blessings on all the churches of northeast Ohio. I pray for new leaders and new disciples of Jesus, especially in our student ministry. I pray God increases in my life, and I decrease, especially in my desire to eat unhealthy things and satisfy (try to) my soul with food.

My soul yearns, even faints,

for the courts of the Lord;

my heart and my flesh cry out

for the living God.

Psalm 84:2

what do I crave? made to crave day one

2014-01-19T21:26:00.001-05:00

I've joined an online Bible study going through the book Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. It's one of those books I've had on my shelf for a long time, but never bothered to read. It's finally time.

I'm sick and tired of leading my life and turning to things like food to comfort and satisfy me. I'm looking to crave so much more - crave my God that created me to worship him.

I'll be posting my progress, blogging about the book and online activities. Writing more poetry.

i'm backwards

going the wrong way

typical, usual, i keep playing with

the setbacks

satisfaction in the moment

feel-good on demand

when did i let myself

crave this and that

empty of me, change me to less

fill me with you, become more of Jesus

i am less, he is more

overcome me, bring me

along the straightest path

to my happiness in you

daily time with God

2013-01-19T21:06:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to be better this year about spending time with God daily and also praying and reading the Bible. I need to be better about it. My word of the year is "discipline" - trying to be a better disciple of Jesus and also be disciplined in my spiritual growth as well as many other areas, including physical, financial, etc.

I want to write more here, and be more creative as well. It's helpful for me to write - I've been trying to keep a written journal, but it might be easier to type it out!

I've been struggling with a few things lately, not quite ready to talk about it here, but I'm hoping to get to a place where I can open up, maybe here, but especially with God.

unsettled

2013-01-19T10:22:00.001-05:00

unsettled today
with a whisper of warmth in the wind
sun, pink and yellow
time myself, alone, thinking
am I right?

what more could I be?
what more should I be?

wanting and wanting
dividing the desires from the callings
deep and deeper

unsettling
put me in another place and time

answered prayer and revelations

2013-01-16T21:48:00.001-05:00

I realized today I think God answered a prayer for me, something I've been praying about for awhile. I asked him to be very clear with me on this, and I'm pretty sure he was. It's unexpected, but I have to see it for what it is. There's no other way to read it.

Another revelation of mine, as well. I invite people to church regularly and get turned down a lot. What am I doing, sacrificing for these friends and family members? How can I expect them to give this a try if I'm not also giving their lives a try? More to think about!

reading the new testament this year

2013-01-15T21:57:00.001-05:00

So my friend Amanda started a blog, which inspired me to try to write more here! I'm trying to read the New Testament in a year, and also really just spend much more time with God. It's not easy, I have to develop the habit, but I already see the benefits. It's so, so necessary to do this to be able to grow closer to Jesus.

This year has already been great, and I expect a lot of amazing things for 2013. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I want to be changed, guided by the story he's writing for me, and open to trusting even the craziest of paths. Here goes!

tight

2012-12-23T00:51:00.001-05:00

Heart is hurting a lot tonight
Tight
Squeezing
Waves, painful
Anxiety overwhelming
Fear, flooding

Alone

Needing a touch
A gesture
Discover the plan

How will you find me?

Love

Love me and want me and see me

Light up
In the room, empty before
Full, complete, safe

Me, and you

not my world

2012-12-17T23:19:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile, and I've been forgetting how to write
How to craft the words on my heart into sentences and express
God, oh God, why does this world hurt so much
And I'm one of the lucky ones
That's absolutely for sure

I have it easy
So, so easy

Yet
The void space inside me where something belongs
I try to pour into it
Too much
The stuff that doesn't fit
Everything wrong, wrong, wrong

This is not my world
Not my home
Just a temporary space for this temporary body
A beautiful, often indescribable place
But often horrible

Forgetting
Forgetting that none of that was made to satisfy

Remembering
I'm trying so hard to remember that
He fills
To the top, overflowing
To the place where I find that unspeakable joy

Imagine, just imagine
I'm speechless at this
On this world?

How desperately, astoundingly
There
In my true land of citizenship
Too much, so much, so, so much

immersed

2012-01-22T23:10:00.001-05:00

My eyes are tight, closed, and I breathe, a gulp of air engaging in my chest
Hands touch, and lock, grasped with mine
And I fall
I dive
I lay
I die
I am buried, immersed
A wave of forever love
Eternal forgiveness
Mercy
Grace
Undeserved
Washes me clean, wringing me out
He is in my pores, clothing me and filling me like a sponge
I am me, and He has me
He covers me with all of Him
Rising
The surface barrier is broken
The bridge formed, built, crossed
The sweet air fills me
I live, He lives, in me
All of me, laid bare before him, alive again
New

Prayers, many, years and questions
Answered finally today
His kingdom grew by 13, then 22
Dear friends, family, young, old, lost and seeking
Dying and rising in the water
Immersed in love and rising in grace
We watched and our tears shed pure joy
How great is our God and his works, his ways
What will He do next, and how will we play our part?
What's the next line in His love story for our small city corner?
God, we thank you, we are imperfect, but you rescue us daily
We die for you daily
They die for you daily
New and old, reborn together to live as Jesus
Wearing his name as our way of life
Our way of love
Our way, Your way, His way

poetry.skydyed.org

2011-12-19T23:00:00.003-05:00

I'm still here, but also there - a place of my own, again and again and again
I can't hide from it, and it's time to be alive again

But no longer just words, but image, seeing, and hopefully, a little beauty

Tying together my words, His world, in my own little way

christmas this year

2011-12-13T22:27:00.001-05:00

And they'll say Christmas, this year, was the one that topped them all
A love, overflowing, threaded through the season
Friends that showered care, laughter that glued wounds
And all encompassing, remembering how He came
As one of us, poor, utterly normal, yet extraordinary because of those details
God knew these choices, this way, this birth would be The Story of all lifetimes
His Story that makes this Christmas, this year, all years, forever, undeserved, grace, astonishing, indescribable

one week

2011-11-22T23:39:00.001-05:00

It's been about a week, and I still don't know how to feel. I don't think about it for awhile, and then I do and I think, is this real?

And I wonder if I have the right to be upset. Who was I?

But there's a hole, a cavern slowly growing where I realize now she existed, filled, and I'm not sure what to put there, because I need to get rid of the emptiness to stop the pain.

grandma

2011-11-16T23:48:00.001-05:00

Matriarch, for years, always strong, so opinionated. Never, absolutely never, afraid to tell anyone and everyone exactly what you were thinking.

I always thought there'd be more time. That's what happens to everyone, doesn't it? I remember the weekends, recently, we'd go shopping, lunch, and you'd always ask me about me. You cared about my life and all the boring details.

And I hope so hard you knew I cared about you too. But that time together was precious and our way of showing love.

Today we scratched off lottery tickets to honor you, because that's what we do. We won, of course, because you would have loved that. We laughed, despite it all, and know you wouldn't want us to cry.

Heart wrenching, twisted, so unexpected that this was the time for you to leave us. But exactly as you'd want it, although it pains me you were alone. I distract myself today and forget for awhile, and then when you flash back in my mind I'm angry and sad all at the same time, and it still feels so unreal to me. Are you really gone?

You wouldn't want us to cry, but I can't help the tears that fall fast, hot, drying my throat with sobs, as I try to keep it in and mourn silently, because I want to be strong like you, true and open, but I'm afraid to show this weakness. I know I must be strong for my sisters, my brother, be the responsible eldest child and assist my parents, but right now I just miss you. And will miss you. I know these tears honor how much I love you, and I will try to wear them proudly.

And I'm without words here, at the end, because these emotions can't be described. I don't know how or what to feel, but I am trying to turn to my God to lead me through.

anxiety

2011-11-14T22:04:00.001-05:00

I can't shake this anxiety that's building up, growing, piling up on my heart,
the pressure of it that keeps me looking over my shoulder, hurting the delicate points
of the inside of myself, and it's with me, too long, mysteriously, and I don't know what to do.

thankfulness

2011-11-02T22:34:00.001-04:00

November is the month to be thankful, more than normal, I suppose. Today I am thankful for students that are trying their best to do the "right" things in life, who little by little come to know God and Jesus, who "rub off" on their friends in positive ways, and who make me laugh, so much.

To be a leader is to learn all the time from the people you lead, seeing in them truths you didn't recognize, and understanding something in a different way, and always being amazed at how little you need to "lead", but how much you love and nurture.

sweet morning

2011-10-15T09:33:00.001-04:00

The days when you lie in bed, comfy cozy and don't ever want to move
Made better by a furry friend that sleeps quietly by
Innocently loving you, all the time
And all you do is think, dream, wonder about what's to come
The future bright and wide open before you
And absolutely anything is possible

small joys

2011-10-12T23:23:00.001-04:00

I have a quote on my wall at work that says something like, happiness lies in extracting joy from common things. For me, I feel as this is one of the mottos of my existence. I strive to find positivity in all I do, all I see, even things that seem overtly negative.

I dislike pessimism, cynicism, and hate when I find these traits creeping into my life. Lately, I've felt the presence of these two evils. But today I feel refreshed, feel God widening my eyes to the joys in the common things around me.

Laughter and silliness in games and students I love
Good, positive, productive conversations with new clients
Family that supports me and always make me smile
So many good friends that do nothing out of the ordinary, but just be themselves, and that is truly great

These common things, every day and "nothing special" is where I find my happiness today. God, I thank you for these blessings in my life!

how great is our God?

2011-10-09T17:19:00.001-04:00

I'm reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love right now. The book begins by having me contemplate the awesomeness of our God. As we sang at Momentum today, How great is our God?

So much greater than I can ever comprehend.
So much more loving than I can ever accept.
So much wiser than any being that has ever walked this Earth.
So much more creative than the most complex piece of life.
My human mind will never be able to fathom the holy, eternal, all-knowing, and all-powerful God that knows me so intimately he can distinguish the smallest molecule of my existence.
So loving is this God, in that he knows these details, who owns and created this universe so that we could please Him.
I will never be enough, but I am enough because I was made to be His.

alone

2011-10-06T23:08:00.001-04:00

God, I'm in that deep place. Where are you?
I'm crying, lonely, reaching out just to touch someone, anyone, and no one's answering.
It's that high school feeling all over again, the emotion of utter rejection combined with the fact I just don't belong.
Didn't I grow out of that?
When will I learn to love myself?
Just the way I am.
When will I be fully satisfied to be filled, overflowing with my God?
He's all I need.
He's ALL I need.
God, help me remember and believe this.

rolling in the deep

2011-10-05T21:40:00.000-04:00

Psalm 42:2
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God,
When can I go and meet with God?

Psalm 42:7
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

I often feel like I'm "rolling in the deep"(thank you, Adele). Devastated, depressed, alone, rejected, all the time wondering - why? Why couldn't I have been made this way, why couldn't I be doing this thing? It would all be better then, right?

These are the times, at the bottom of the well, when I'm afraid to let myself thirst for God. I want it my way, not God's way. But as verse 7 says, "deep calls to deep". God is in this deepness with me, even when I'm rejecting him. He's there with me, next to me, telling me, reach out your hand, and I'm all you need.

It's easy to remember this during the high times, but the low, the deep? Not so much.

But here, now, I make a commitment to escape the awfulness of the deep and let God's mighty power sweep over me. I am his, and he'll always rescue me. I can never do this on my own, but because God is always with me, he has saved me, time and time again.

happy where I am

2011-10-04T23:08:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to be happy where I'm at right now and many people, so many, would just love to be here, but I can't help but want the dream I have, and wonder, is this too much to ask for?

No, I'm grateful for the goodness, the security in my life, but I'll always chase after my dreams, never ever giving up.

falling into sin

2011-10-03T21:28:00.000-04:00

I disobey, so often, too often, and everytime I think "never again"
But then "never again" comes again and I fall fast and hard into a too-common sin
A pattern of repeats, harms, blatant disobedience and thinking I don't care
And then, as always, a pile of shame, building a fort high around me, packing it in
Making the walls impenetrable
And that voice telling me the top is too high for rescue
Deeper in, down, face flat to the floor and eyes shut, glued, tight because I keep on breaking
I know better, I always know better, telling myself over and over, why can't I disrupt the chain
Why can't I be that good person who doesn't do these things and always stops before the temptation
Gets to be too much
Why can't I? I can't do anything
That continued reliance on I, dependence, pride, me - I will always fall, because I am imperfect
Take away that I and place in another and maybe, just maybe, He can change me
And then it's not a maybe, it's reality, and the reality that there is a He that saved me
A He that loves me, every time I fall, every time I cry, every time I suffer because of my
Own disobedience
The He who gave it all, so I could have it all, even though I waste it all
All the time, no matter what, no matter when, no matter where, no matter how I fail
No matter how many times, He sacrificed for me, He loved me, wait, He LOVES me,
And I live in him, Forever

decades

2011-10-02T22:42:00.001-04:00

I've almost lived 3 decades. Twenty-seven years on this Earth, and where am I now? Where will I be in 3 years when I turn 30? Where do I want to be? How can I get there? Where does God want me to be, now and then?

These are the questions I am asking myself this fall. In some areas of my life, it's time to change. Time to do things differently. Time to let go and let God lead me, fully, completely.

friendships

2011-10-01T16:26:00.001-04:00

Laughter
So much laughter, smiles, aches in my stomach, so so much my eyes are squeezed and I think I can't take anymore
But bliss fills me so completely and overflows my top, feeling and knowing that I'm loved, cherished, cared for, amongst good people that know me
The real me
I don't ever have to hide with them

city / nature

2011-10-01T09:23:00.001-04:00

It's our city competing in the always battle against nature
And nature, that awesome power of a pounding waterfall peeking through the cityscape, declaring its right to exist, be here, survive and be how God made it to be
The city, oh, how I love the city and it's people, the masses, living and loving in a crowd that craves connections, people on people and people for people
And the beautiful part of all, God made the natural, the basic, the beauty, the people, the water, the trees, the city, that feeling, emotion -- all art in God's own way, God's infinitely most intricately complex thoughtfully designed and ever-loved way
Love the city
Love God's nature