“Climate change migration” could be the next challenge we face, according to a migration dynamics expert.

The dean of Yale Law School on Thursday responded to reports that a prominent professor at the school had advised students seeking judicial clerkships with Brett Kavanaugh on their physical looks, saying the reported allegations of faculty misconduct are “of enormous concern” and calling on anyone affected to come forward.

MONTREAL—Coalition Avenir Quebec (CAQ) Leader François Legault used the last leaders’ debate before the Oct. 1 provincial election to soften his tone regarding his controversial position to expel immigrants who fail a French-language test.

The question of immigration has dogged Legault over the past couple of weeks and he has seen his party’s lead in the polls slowly vanish since the start of the campaign.

RemoveDebris, a small experimental satellite designed to clean up space debris successfully snared its first piece of extraterrestrial pollution — a solar system premiere.

Continue Reading Below

This chapter is not about mind-controlling topless dancers into doing your bidding. It’s about using self-hypnosis to increase your confidence. As Derek says, “The human mind is the most powerful thing on this earth and there is no limit as to what you can do and achieve with it.” And what Derek wants to achieve with this limitless power is to clumsily pursue women who have spent all day rubbing on other men’s penises. Here’s one of the mantras Derek suggests:

I read a lot of insane books, and there was something oddly familiar about Derek’s writing style. In particular, this past Valentine’s Day I wrote an article about Don Diebel, a failed pickup artist turned failed Christian pickup artist obsessed with self-hypnosis. He wrote a terrible book on how to get girls, then published it again under a different name. Then he swapped all the pronouns and published it as a guide to meet men. Did he fucking do it again!?

Sure enough, sections from Don’s books on picking up topless dancers have been lifted word for word for this book by “Derek.” I’d estimate about a third of this book is the exact same text from Don’s THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO MEETING WOMEN with the words “topless dancer” inserted. And they were all released by Don Diebel’s own company, Gemini Publishing Company. What I’m saying is that “Derek Evans” doesn’t exist. This criminally insane guide to annoying strippers and never getting laid again was written by goddamn Don Diebel, a man so pussy-starved that his balls have started to produce only sarcasm. The packaging on the condom he carries in his wallet is written in a language known to just 28 living speakers.

“Derek” continues for a very long time about self-hypnosis. He suggests that you stand in front of a mirror at attention like a soldier and repeat, “Everytime I go to topless clubs I will meet a very special Hot & Sexy topless dancer that’s sexually attracted to me and wants to go out with me.” That’s almost precious in its sadness, like a hurt yet very horny puppy. But it gets sadder.

You have to be extremely confident that you will never have someone else in your home if you feel safe writing “TOPLESS CONNECTION” on your mirror. If you do bring a topless dancer home and she sees that, she can legally kill you for being a wizard. This is such a humiliating and desperate act that typing it brought “Derek” to a rare moment of self-awareness. He wisely adds, “It is advisable not to tell anyone about your using this method to pick up topless dancers. There are scoffers and skeptics that may ridicule you and shake your confidence.” So if you’re wondering what it would take for a virgin author rewriting the same failed pickup guide for the fourth time, this time under a fake name, to feel something close to shame, it’s writing “SEDUCE DANCERS” on his mirror to hypnotize himself into thinking a “very special Hot & Sexy topless dancer” wants to go out with him.

This is an existentially troubling level of sadness. I’m actually worried that when we’re all gone and our planet is nothing but insignificant debris drifting on cosmic wind, the only thing future beings will remember of us, the most powerful truth our civilization ever had to offer, is how Don Diebel couldn’t get laid in a rubber butthole factory.

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet. You can make a TOPLESS CONNECTION with him on Twitter, or play his DANCER SEDUCING mobile game Calculords.

If you happen to find any of these books laying around, grab a lighter and burn ’em.

Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

For more, check out What We’re All Getting Wrong About Pickup Artists and The Sad Reality Of A Christian Pick-Up Artist.

Also, we’d love to know more about you and your interesting lives, dear readers. If you spend your days doing cool stuff, drop us a line at iDoCoolStuff at Cracked dot com, and maybe we can share your story with the entire internet.

Follow us on Facebook. And we’ll follow you everywhere.

VICTORIA—The Joint Rescue Co-ordination Centre says it has made the difficult decision to call off its search for a small plane that went missing in central British Columbia one week ago.

Over the last seven days, both military and volunteer civilian aircraft have spent about 320 hours flying in challenging weather conditions searching for the plane, its pilot and passenger.

The whole point of roller coasters is to make your body feel things it doesn’t normally feel; your heart racing out of your chest, your palms exploding into clammy sweatiness, your buttocks closing with the intensity of two iron warships colliding. But if you’re a guy, there’s one feeling you don’t want your coaster to kick-start: a kidney stone being shot out of your pee hole.

Unfortunately, that’s exactly what you might wind up experiencing if you ever decide to ride Disney World’s Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Hear the screams in the video below? Chances are at least some of those are due to extreme penile pain.

[embedded content]

Following reports from patients that riding BTMR caused them to pass kidney stones (one guy rode it three times and produced a dick rock each time), a team of urologists decided to delve into this subject with the no-nonsense rigor and seriousness we expect from science … and a 3D-printed kidney. As in, they printed a replica kidney, filled it full of some of that urine they keep handy just for these occasions, sprinkled in a few kidney stones, and set it loose on BTMR.

The results? It’s all location, location, location if you do/don’t want your body to learn a painful new trick. When the fake kidney was placed at the front of the ride, it only passed the stones 16.67 percent of the time — compared to a 63 percent success rate at the back. Just to make sure that this wasn’t an effect of general roller-coastering, the urologists also strapped their creation into several other rides at the park, to no avail. They then took the kidney for ice cream and bought it a $10 Mickey-shaped pen.

Daniel Craig in Berlin in 2015. (Michael Sohn/Associated Press)

Travis M. Andrews

Pop culture reporter covering music, movies, TV, comedy and celebrity culture

September 20 at 4:51 PM

Being a moviegoer used to be easy.

You’d see a trailer for the new “Star Wars” or James Bond flick, get excited, maybe read a review or an interview with the director in your local paper, and then you’d go see the movie. End of transaction.

All you would know of the casting process is who ended up in the movie. You would remain ignorant of any behind-the-scenes drama between the filmmakers and the studio, unless something truly bizarre happened and a documentary was made a la “Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker’s Apocalypse,” which tells the insane story of the disastrous production of “Apocalypse Now.”

Well, the times, they are a-changin’.

Now audiences watch — and often weigh in on — the entire filmmaking process as it plays out through news reports and social media postings. And that’s exactly what’s happening with the 25th installation in the James Bond franchise. Few movies demonstrate the sheer public nature of today’s blockbuster-making process better than the unreleased movie.

Cary Fukunaga, who became a household name for stylishly directing all eight episodes of the first season of HBO’s “True Detective,” was announced as the movie’s director on Thursday. Daniel Craig, meanwhile, will reprise his role as Bond.

There are a few notable things about Fukunaga helming the project. He’s the series’ first non-British director. His art-house style has ruffled feathers, most notably those belonging to Nic Pizzolatto, the creator and writer of “True Detective.” Pizzolatto seemed particularly irked by the widely held belief that Fukunaga’s direction is what elevated the show to its critical darling status (a status quickly lost during the Fukunaga-less Season 2). Finally, he’s the kind of director who truly pours himself into projects and has a bit of a rough reputation. As GQ wrote, “Cary Fukunaga isn’t entirely sure if he has a reputation for being difficult. But it’s something he’s heard from time to time.”

Most notable, though, is that this is not the movie we expected because we’ve watched the creation play out online for years.

Let’s begin with Daniel Craig.

Craig made it exceedingly clear that he hated playing Bond when he told Time Out London in 2015 that he would never reprise the role. As he so delicately put it: “I’d rather break this glass and slash my wrists. No, not at the moment. Not at all. That’s fine. I’m over it at the moment. We’re done. All I want to do is move on.”

With Craig out, the rumor mill geared up. Many names, such as Tom Hardy, were thrown around as potential contenders for the role. Tom Hiddleston was a strong favorite for a while. (Some later posited that he would have been named the new Bond if it weren’t for his extremely public relationship with pop star Taylor Swift.)

The most discussed actor, though, was Idris Elba. His fans adored the idea of Elba as Bond, and quickly the Internet began arguing over whether James Bond could fairly be portrayed by a person of color.

Elba himself fueled the rumors with a cheeky tweet.

Eventually, though, he admitted that, no, he wasn’t the new Bond.

The new Bond, in fact, is the old Bond. Craig is reprising the role, though the reason is unclear. Maybe he has more to say as Bond, or maybe he needs the cash. After all, as he told Time Out, “If I did another Bond movie, it would only be for the money.”

Whatever the reason, Craig is Bond, James Bond.

And he was supposed to be directed by Danny Boyle of “Slumdog Millionaire” fame. But just a few months after Boyle was announced as the film’s director, he walked away from the project, citing artistic differences. It’s unclear what these were, but it’s widely speculated that it has to do with both his reported desire to cast a relatively unknown actor as the movie’s villain and his alleged refusal to have the plot revolve around the current tensions with Russia.

So now we have Fukunaga. And guess what insane fact is bringing this whole thing full circle? Back in 2015, Fukunaga thought about doing Bond with Elba.

“That would be pretty cool to have Idris and I do a Bond film together,” he told Metro.

Sigh.

Of course, this sort of moviemaking in public isn’t new.

Remember, for example, when J.J. Abrams announced the cast of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” with a black-and-white photo of a table read? The Internet went nuts trying to parse out who was in the film. Once they figured it out, the Atlantic breathlessly declared the cast didn’t include enough women, making this incredibly bold statement about a movie that hadn’t yet been filmed: “Abrams’s Star Wars sounds like it may keep with the franchise’s tradition of spectacularly failing the Bechdel Test.”

When the movie actually came out (and people, you know, watched it), it featured Daisy Ridley as its protagonist — and garnered heaps of praise for its feminist message.

But this is how movies work today. See: Phil Lord and Chris Miller being fired from “Solo: A Star Wars Story” and replaced with Ron Howard, the move that launched a thousand think-pieces. Or Colin Trevorrow fired from directing “Star Wars: Episode IX.”

It used to be so easy to be a moviegoer.

SALZBURG, Austria — Britain and its European Union partners failed to secure a breakthrough in Brexit talks on Thursday, largely because of seemingly intractable divisions over the best way to avoid a hard border on the island of Ireland and how to deal with future trade.