Slate Magazine - Human Guinea Pig

How I humiliated myself working on the Washington Nationals grounds crew.

Emily Yoffe — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 07:01:39 EST

My first solo job as a member of the grounds crew for the Washington Nationals baseball team was to drive around the periphery of Nationals Park on a Toro Sand Pro 3040, smoothing the warning track. Attached to the back of the Sand Pro by ropes was a drag mat—a metal device that looks like a sidewalk grate. I own no yard equipment bigger than a push mower, and I am frightened of heavy machinery, so I started at a crawl. But by the time I was rounding right field, I was feeling cocky enough to get up to about 5 mph. I don't know what happened next—in these situations you never know what happened next—but instead of making the turn, I impaled the Sand Pro on one of the vinyl pads that line the stadium wall. The pad, there to protect outfielders from injury, was now listing at a 45 degree angle. Each time I tried to drive forward or backward to extricate myself, the gash I had made in the pad grew longer and wider, like a nylon stocking being ripped ankle to thigh.

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Why your kids have such terrible handwriting and what to do about it.

Emily Yoffe — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 16:40:03 EST

Click to see how Emily's and her daughter's handwriting improved.

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Can I master fencing, the sport for vicious brainiacs?

Emily Yoffe — Fri, 5 Jun 2009 14:57:06 EST

I stepped toward my opponent, aimed my sword at her heart, and lunged, causing to pour forth from deep in her chest a stream of giggles. She blocked my attack with a lateral parry quarte, and I tried to riposte to her high inside line. My riposte missed its mark, and my opponent easily hit my blade away, then struck me, provoking more hilarity from her. There's something about being laughed at from behind a disembodied fencer's mask that is particularly infuriating. I was now so flustered that I forgot to extend my arm before lunging, allowing her to hit me again. She said, "You just get worse and worse! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

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Should I be ostracized for smoking electronic cigarettes?

Emily Yoffe — Mon, 6 Apr 2009 15:23:44 EST

Barack Obama is under a lot of stress, which must be testing his oft-repeated vow to quit smoking. But no one wants to think of the president of the United States sneaking away from his desk, furtively taking a drag in the Rose Garden, and flicking his butts into Michelle's vegetable patch.

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My brief, inspiring career as a historical re-enactor on a "Colonial farm."

Emily Yoffe — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 07:06:09 EST

Verily, your humble fervent did in the guise of the Humanae Cavia Porcellus fojourn to the paft, to the year of our Lord 1771. Prithee, allow me to declaim of my adventure in the colony of Virginia, and my difcoveries.

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