Smart Bitches, Trashy Books

Friday Videos Like Songs About Salami

2012-06-01T06:21+00:00

Via Sarah Mayberry comes this video, which isn't a video so much as it is a still with THE MOST AMAZINGLY RAUNCHY SONG EVAH:

Link!

Can a hero or heroine sing this song in a future romance? Because it would be epic. I think this should be the soundtrack to a book trailer VERY SOON, if rights and permissions could be aquired. Oh, lawdy.

If you're curious, Durwood Douche was the stage name for pianist and performer Dick Shreve. From his bio:

Dick Shreve has been writing music since the 1940’s, both the serious beautiful songs and the dirty ditties. He published his first Durwood Douche song “Why Me God (Everybody’s Fucking But Me)” in 1979 on vinyl, with side B utilizing the same song in a hysterically funny munchkin voice. The lyrics are explicit but performed with a style and grace that’s quite unexpected. At that time his publishing company was named Aching Loins Publishing. Later on it was changed to Eclecstasy ERP/Publishing.

He continued writing and expanding his catalog of songs, then in 1997 he published a CD called “Everybody’s F#*cking But Me”, that was composed of some of them. All consisted of the superb quality and style as found in the first vinyl. This CD was professionally, but anonymously, recorded by some of the West Coast's finest jazz and studio musicians and vocalists.

In 1999, Dick Shreve made a deal with Roadrunner Publishing in Europe, for the rights to re-release his CD (in Europe). They released it under the name of “Big, Banned and Blue”, claiming it was songs from the 1940’s era, which of course it wasn’t. They also released a couple of singles off their version of the CD.

Hope your weekend is full of things that make you laugh and shake your head.

Categories: Friday Videos, General Bitching

Fuchsia, Where Have You Gone?

2012-05-31T12:15+00:00

Heather sent me a pile of links to epic covers awhile back, and I realized, as I was looking at them for about the fifth time, we haven't discussed the TRUE COLOR OF ROMANCE in awhile.

That would be fuchsia, if you're curious. Only because of this site have I memorized how to spell "fuchsia." It used to be one of those words I could never get right on the first try - but now, it's all good, mostly because of old skool romance covers. Fuchsia is named for the fuchsia flower, which I happen to love a lot for hanging baskets, but the color itself I love even MORE.

And fuchsia is one of those colors we don't see much of anymore. Covers that are redone for reissues are rarely replete with the fuchsia. For example:

Oh, yeah. That's some fuchsia. The dress, the backdrop, even the hero's hair is echoing a little bit of the fuchsia.

The new cover is Not the Fuchsia:

Which do you like better? I'm all about the fuchsia, though I know that cover on the shelf wouldn't work with all it's fuchesty.

What, more fuchsia? Oh, yeah. Heather found ALL the best fuchsia.

FUCHSIA and a CURLY MULLET?! I need to go to bed now, becuase there's no way the day can get any better than Fuchsia + Curly Mullet.

And Sweet Holy Soul Glo, that's about the curliest mullet I've ever seen. (And good golly, no wonder he hasn't lifted her up - her hair must weigh six stone.)

Anyway, back in the day, fuchsia was everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

When Fuchia was in Egypt's Laaaaaaaand! Egypt was fuchia and populated with very fair women and pink-haired Fabio? I had no idea!

Also: this book is about Anqet and Count Seth. I don't think I could love a hero name more than "Count Seth."

This image is from the Fabio fanclub website, which is about the best fuchia and mantitty repository ever assembled.

The Goodreads review stars for this book seem very complimentary, so I'm curious about it. But I confess, I like the original cover much better than the Subtle Bejeweled Peen cover.

Not nearly enough fuchsia in that cover. So, what's your favorite fuchsia cover from days of yore? Share share!

Categories: Covers Gone Wild! (Non-Snoop Dogg Edition), General Bitching

Sizzling Book Club Chat: The Long Shot by Ellen Hartman

2012-05-30T16:21+00:00

It's time for the Sizzling Book Club Chat!

At 9pm tongiht ET, the window below will go live with rambunctious shenanigans and discussion, and we'll be talking about Ellen Hartman's The Long Shot, a Harlequin SuperRomance set in upstate New York.

Ellen Hartman will join us at 10pm for Q&A, and there may be additional mayhem at that time.

I hope you can join us - with or without your beverage of choice!

<a data-cke-saved-href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=7125c1d555" href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php/option=com_mobile/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=7125c1d555" >The Long Shot by Ellen Hartman</a>

Categories: General Bitching, Smart Bitches Sizzling Book Club

RITA Reader Challenge: Heartstrings and Diamond Rings by Jane Graves

2012-05-30T06:22+00:00

Grade: A-
Title: Heartstrings and Diamond Rings
Author: Jane Graves
Publication Info: Forever 2011
ISBN: 978-0446568487
Genre: Contemporary Romance

This review was written by Melissa Cutler This story was nominated in the Best Contemporary Single Title Romance category.

The summary: In a world full of frogs, Alison Carter is determined to find her prince. Maybe her dating past is more Titanic than Love Boat, but she's seen enough happy marriages to know that true love is possible. No matter what, she won't give up on happily-ever-after. If she can't find Mr. Right, she'll simply hire someone who can. When Brandon Scott inherits a successful matchmaking business, he thinks his prayers have been answered. Set up a few lonely ladies, collect the fee, how hard can it be? No one needs to know he's not really a professional matchmaker-especially not his first client, the beautiful, spirited Alison. Soon he's falling for her-and her dreams of kids and carpools. But Alison is getting close to figuring out his secret, and if she learns he's deceived her too, she'll walk right out the door, taking Brandon's heart with her.

And here is Melissa's review:

If you're reading this, you're probably as passionate a reader as I am. So when I tell you that for me, "packing for vacation" is code for loading my e-reader and stuffing my suitcase full of books, you know what I'm talking about. You must not only pack the expected number of books you plan to read, but lots of backups, just in case a book or two turns out to be a dud. Vacation book insurance, if you will.

I read Heartstrings and Diamond Rings while on a weekend getaway that involved a lot of rum drinks and soaking in a pool. I'm pretty sure none of that rum-induced relaxation fuzzed up my opinion (rum makes me sharp as a tack! Mr. Cutler will back me up on that), so I feel totally confident in telling you that Heartstrings and Diamond Rings is vacation worthy. You won't need vacation book insurance if you pack it. This is a compliment of the highest order from me because it's always been my dream to be the kind of author who writes books people want to take on vacation. Vacation books really have to deliver the goods because who wants to waste precious vacation time on bummer books?

Bias alert! There's little I adore more in romance novels than hero groveling. I like suffering and heartache that's so bad it's like grief when the hero is finally confronted with his sins. I want the heroine to make him pay, and I want the hero to grovel like he's not worthy to lick the heroine's stilettos—until he finally comes up with the perfect grand gesture to prove his worth. I eat that stuff up.

When readers first meet Brandon, the hero in Heartstrings and Diamond Rings, it becomes immediately clear that he's going to go down in flames. He's conning the heroine, Alison, and a bunch of other lovelorn singles who think he's a matchmaker. He's not and has no desire to, but he's broke and trying to hustle a new real estate deal using the money he makes from the matchmaking business he inherits from his grandmother. He's still likeable, despite his horrible choices, but he digs himself into a hole of lies with Alison immediately—and any reader of romance knows there's only one way out of said hole. It was at this early stage of the book when I poured myself another coconut rum and told Mr. Cutler to entertain the children for a few hours so I could concentrate. Because when I'm promised hero groveling, I MUST READ WITHOUT STOPPING LIKE A MANIAC until it happens. Hence, why I ate this book up in a day.

Jane Graves delivered on the promise of Brandon's comeuppance beautifully. The book has a great ending that won't disappoint. Overall, I'd say this book will appeal to fans of Shannon Stacey's Yours to Keep. It's straight contemporary, without any suspense plot, and Graves is a master of maintaining realistic tension. Another aspect I loved is that the whole story is told from alternating points of views of the hero and heroine, without any pesky points of views from side characters slowing readers down on our march to the big comeuppance moment. One slight issue: the first 100 pages moved kind of slowly. I'm not going to lie—I skimmed the scenes in which Alison attended the preservation society board meetings (snore!). But the second half of the book really picks up speed.

It's worth noting here that I bought the nook version of the book, which was the same price as the paperback, but there was a formatting problem that detracted from my reading pleasure. Every hyphen had been replaced with a question mark. So turn-of-the-century was turn?of?the?century and ill-fated was ill?fated. If you buy this book, pick a different format.

None of that formatting stuff is the author's fault. This was an amazing book that I'd recommend to any fan of contemporary romance. I'll be rooting for Jane Graves at the RITA awards this summer, and I'll definitely be checking out her other books when it's time for me to pack for my next vacation.

This book is available from Goodreads | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo.

Categories: General Bitching, Reviews, Guest Bitch Reviews, Reviews by Author, Authors, D-G, Reviews by Grade, Grade A, RWA, RWA National - Anaheim 2012

Ask the Art Director

2012-05-29T14:00+00:00

Your comments on this entry about cover design, featuring art director Claire Brown has led to a new feature, and some kidnapping on my part. I let the Anonymous Editor out of the basement, and have locked poor Ms. Brown in the comfy chair next to the furnace (don't worry, she has plenty of wine) so she can answer all our questions. I've also asked other art directors for their, um, expertise for this feature as well, so you'll see other romance cover folks joining the discussion soon.

In the comments to that entry, Susan had several questions, and I had some as well, based on this interview with Ms. Brown from this interview with Imprint. I started there, and I hope you find the conversation interesting. As usual, if you have questions about art direction and cover design for romance novels, let us hear them in the comments, and I'll ask the Art Director!

First question: your comment about "familiarity in typeface" in the Imprint profile caught my attention. What are the typefaces that work, and what hasn't worked?

Claire Brown: I would not say there are typefaces that work or do not work for author and title type treatments, it's more about finding a type design that communicates clearly emotionally as well as forming the words.

The words on the cover have a function which is obvious, telling the reader who wrote this book and what it is called.

The other function which is less obvious is to get your attention and establish a mood. A great example of this is Larissa Ione's "Eternal Rider" ( A | BN | K).

When I started the cover I had her name and the title drawn by a hand lettering artist. The typography was beautiful and worked well. The problem was the mood it evoked was too "romantic". While Larissa's books are romantic they are really edgy and that is what we wanted to tell a potential reader. We ended up not using the hand drawn "romantic" type and used a more contemporary font.

We are also using the typography to "Brand" the author. Once we find the "right" type treatment for an authors name, we will use it over again for all the books in the series and beyond.

For cover quotes and reading lines I pretty almost always use Goudy on Romance covers. It is legible at a small point size and it has the right mood.

You also mentioned "painterly style" but many covers are using photographs
that aren't rendered like paintings. Have you noticed an increase in the
number of photograph covers? Are there some genres in which photographs do
not work vs genres which fit photography perfectly? Do realistic photo
covers sell better, or the more painterly ones?

Claire Brown: We walk a fine line between painterly and photographic in all the Romance genres. At first glance many covers appear to be photographs. Certainly if you compare them to Romance covers in the 90's you can see we have moved away from a painterly style. However most of the romance covers are photographs with some painting over them. Of course all the painting is done in PhotoShop on the computer.

One illustrator we work who strikes that balance perfectly is Aleta Rafton. Her work is very photographic to my eye, but with her photo illustration she adds a magical quality to her work. It's a kind of hyperrealism that I think is perfect for Romance covers. We need to relate or identify with the characters in the book but the fantasy of the hero or heroine is what pulls us in. Here are some examples of covers she has done for Forever that demonstrate this hyperreal quality to the photography.

What are the core elements of the "romance novel cover formula" or the constraints you work within?

Claire Brown: Romance covers today that I work on can more or less be grouped into 3 categories:

1- A beautiful, sexy woman in a stunning dress
2- A hot hunk with rock hard abs
3- A couple caught in a moment of passion

Of course, these groups are broad, but what they all have in common is that they convey a fantasy that we know the reader wants to get lost in. While we add special touches to every book to make it distinctive, and while we like to push the boundaries to stay innovative, doing something radically outside of 1 of these 3 directions can be risky. Accounts want covers they can easily look at and say “paranormal” or “romantic suspense.” Plus, the reason these categories came into being is because they have a history of being popular with readers.

With that said, we want to keep our covers looking fresh, and one way I try to do this is by merging current fashion trends into the covers. When I'm thinking about what our heroine should be wearing and how she should be posing I look at what is happing in fashion photography today and try to incorporate it.

Covers have changed a lot over the years, but it's fascinating to me how the covers are made. Do you have questions for Claire? She's got plenty of wine, and I'm sure you have some curiosity about art direction for romance.

Thank you to Claire Brown for all her time and patience with my nosy questions, and for the cover images!

Lightning image courtesy of BigStock.com

Categories: General Bitching, Interviews & Smart Responses, Ask the Art Director

Classic Romance - Which One First? Rachel Gibson Edition

2012-05-28T21:23+00:00

I asked recently on the SBTB Facebook page which author I should do a Classic Romance: Which One First? list building entry for, and the response was rapidfire listing of really awesome names in romance. Rachel Gibson's name jumped out at me because so far, we've been talking about historical romance authors, but Gibson's been publishing romance since 1998 and has more than 15 books to her credit - which can be overwhelming if you're looking at a row of them in the bookstore and aren't sure which one to pick!

Plus, she has a new book out this week (Rescue Me, out 5/29 [ A | BN | K | S | ARe ]), and when I received a copy of it, my first thought was, "Darn it, I keep meaning to read more of her backlist," but, hey, I'm not sure where to start either. I can't be alone in that!

So, which Rachel Gibson contemporary romance do you recommend new readers try first? Which is your favorite?

Categories: General Bitching, Good Shit vs. Shit to Avoid, Classic Romances: Which One First?

RITA Reader Challenge: The Texan’s Bride by Linda Warren

2012-05-28T18:37+00:00

Grade: B+
Title: The Texan's Bride
Author: Linda Warren
Publication Info: Harlequin SuperRomance 2011
ISBN: 978-0373717354
Genre: Contemporary Romance

This review was written by Suzette. This story was nominated in the Best Contemporary Series Romance category.

The summary: Sheltered her entire life, Jessie Murdock has rarely gotten her way. Until her dying father makes a deal with Cadde Hardin. Cadde will get shares of Shilah Oil on one condition—marry Jessie. In love with him for years, Jessie doesn't hesitate to sign the papers. But she didn't sign up for a completely absent husband. Now Jessie has a counter offer. She'll give Cadde controlling interest of the business if he'll give her a baby…the natural way. Only he has a few caveats of his own. When life refuses to follow their written plan, Jessie and Cadde have to decide which is more important: their unspoken love or the family business.

And here is Suzette's review:

When I read the synopsis for this book, it was all I could do not to groan out loud. The first and only romance I read that involved a pregnant heroine left me gnashing my teeth with feminist rage for days. My expectations were lower than low going into this story. However, in spite of my initial prejudice, I have to admit that I absolutely love this book. That is not to say that it isn’t flawed. Some parts are so bad that they are unintentionally hilarious, but the positive elements of the story overwhelm the silly ones.

The two biggest elements that work for me were the likeability of the protagonists and the sense of realism. Cadde and Jessie are genuinely nice people who I want to cheer for. For the most part, the author does a thorough job of developing their motivations, so their actions never seem nonsensical. Furthermore, the author integrates a lot of subtle details that make the story feel more authentic. For example, Jessie volunteers at a shelter for abused women. The specifics of her role at the shelter are smoothly woven into the narrative, lending plausibility to many of the plot elements. As a result of the consistency of characterization and coherent plotting, I was able to suspend disbelief when events took a turn toward the clichéd.

Finally, I have to say that the last third of the book is what really knocked my socks off. (Spoiler) Jessie has a miscarriage as a result of a brutal attack. The pain that she and Cadde feel is visceral and shattering. This part of the book packs a serious emotional punch. I felt so devastated on their behalf that I almost cried (don’t worry they get their HEA.)

This is my first category romance novel, so I have no idea how this book measures up in contrast to others in the genre, but I would recommend it to those who are looking for an emotionally affecting read and don’t mind a little bit of over-the-top schlocky sentimentality.

Grade: B+

A few other awesome things about The Texan’s Bride that don’t fit into the review:

Jessie- she is half-Hispanic and fantastic. Even though her race plays practically no role in the story, just the fact that she is not your typical lily-white heroine is a big win for me.

Oil drilling metaphors-sadly, none of these turned up during the sex scenes, but I still giggled every time I saw the word “gusher.”

Ridiculous names-here are a few examples: Cisco, Roscoe, Hub, and my personal favorite: Hooter. Who the hell would name their kid Hooter? I wonder if he has a brother named Cooter.

Categories: General Bitching, Reviews, Guest Bitch Reviews, Reviews by Author, Authors, T-Z, Reviews by Grade, Grade B, RWA, RWA National - Anaheim 2012

SBTB/DA Bestsellers List: 15-22 May 2012

2012-05-27T06:53+00:00

This week's SBTB/DA bestsellers list is brought to you by the letter A (for Awesome), the letter B (for Books) and by the number 12 (just because).

Untraceable by Laura Griffin | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE
Bared to You: A Crossfire Novel by Sylvia Day | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE
Her Best Worst Mistake by Sarah Mayberry | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE
One Reckless Summer by Toni Blake | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE
Hot Island Nights by Sarah Mayberry | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | HQN | ARE
The Governess Affair by Courtney Milan | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE
A Different Kind of Forever by Dee Ernst | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo |
Natural Law by Joey W. Hill | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE
The Heart of Devin MacKade by Nora Roberts | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | HQN | ARE
Raised by Wolves by Jennifer Lynn Barnes | Amazon | BN | Sony | Kobo | ARE

Hope what you're enjoying this long weekend (if it is a long weekend for you like it is here in the US) is excellent!

Categories: General Bitching, SBTB/DA Bestsellers

Thanking the May Advertisers

2012-05-26T08:40+00:00

Time to thank the folks who advertised here for the month of May. If you noticed or clicked on the ads, you helped support advertisers who want to target romance readers, and the upkeep and general mayhem that's part of hosting, postage-ing, and creating content for the hot pink palaceof Bitchery. And if you've been looking for an ad for a past month, at the bottom of the ad column is an archive of the advertisements. Thank you to the advertisers, and to you and your marvelous self.

Categories: General Bitching, The Link-O-Lator

How Long Can you Go…Reading?

2012-05-25T09:20+00:00

Here's another question that sprang from a random query on the SBTB Facebook page: What's the longest period of time you've ever spent reading, nonstop?

I think my record is 6 hours. I've been on longer flights, but I think I made myself sleep. What's your record? And what were you reading?

What's the longest stretch you've ever read nonstop?

Categories: General Bitching, Random Musings