Last week I attended the 8^th Grade Graduation ceremony for my eldest daughter, Grace.  She has finally finished the horror that is “Middle School”.  Actually, the time went really fast.  At risk of being cliché, it feels like it was only yesterday that we dropped her off for her first day of 6^th grade.  Ahhh….(dreamily)….

Okay, enough nostalgia.  As a dad who never had a father of my own in my life, I have had to fly a bit by the seat of my pants.  Especially with my two daughters, since I didn’t have any sisters of my own while growing up.  I’m sure I didn’t do everything correctly.  I could believe that I didn’t do most things correctly, for that matter.  For example, maybe I shouldn’t have regular threatened to sell my children to Gypsies…  No matter.  I have no time for regrets as a busy father of three.

When Grace started 6^th grade, we talked on a long road trip to a youth conference about what she would be facing that fall.  I told her that middle school would most likely not be more enjoyable than a daily trip to the dentist for multiple root canals per day for a duration of three full years.

“Grace, middle school is to be survived, not enjoyed.”

Was I too negative?  Should I have candy-coated it for her, helping her to cast aside her fears?

I know my daughter.  She is brilliant, powerful, beautiful, creative, vibrant, and brave.  She is an incredible young woman with an old soul.  She likes to know how things are in reality.  I have learned to honor Grace for who she is as a person.  I know how she wants to face challenges and to deal with struggles.  I have learned when to pull back and let her process, and I have learned when to get in her face a bit to confront her various issues.  I know that she likes to spend quality time with people she loves.  She doesn’t want to talk a lot or even be noticed.  She would rather just snuggle up to me on the couch and watch a movie or each read our own book.  Knowing this has freed me up to love her better.  I don’t panic that she doesn’t want to share every detail of her life with me verbally.  She needs me to simply be there for her.  She knows she can talk with me if needed, but that I am willing to be silent and close to her.

As I have been thinking about Father’s Day, I have realized that I have some baggage with the holiday.  It was always a glaring reminder for me, growing up, that I did not have a dad in my life.  Now, that past experience has bled into my present, where the baggage doesn’t seem to go away.  On Sunday, when I am celebrated as a dad, I would rather just skip the day and do what I do every other day: enjoy my kids.  I love them so much, I don’t need to feel anything like gratitude or appreciation.  I don’t need presents or accolades.  Honestly, the joy and fulfillment of knowing these three delightful human beings is more than my heart can take.

They make me want to get to know them more and more, so that I can parent them better.  They have made me realize that my own lack of a father is a blessing in disguise.  Why?  Because I have no tendency to apply the mode of fatherhood I would have gleaned from my own upbringing to the raising of my own children.  I am a blank slate.  I have no model of correct or incorrect fathering with which to wrestle.  Just by staying with my family, I have stepped into “uncharted territory”.  Scary?  Sure it is, at times.  However, it’s also very freeing and exciting!  I get the joy of discovery and the freedom to fail and reconcile.  My wife and I get to form and shape our own family community, making sure that each child’s needs are met the way they need to have them met!  Isn’t that cool?  That is something I honestly have never realized until this year!  You got to experience a brand new revelation with me.  You are so lucky!

As Grace’s graduation ceremony dragged on and on, reaching the length of many high school commencements, some of her peers gave speeches.  They were the usual fare of “Grab your dreams!”, “You deserve success and happiness!”, and “Go change the world!”  Yuk.

I remember just a few years ago, I was convinced that I was born to change the world.  I was intended for greatness on a global scale, and I would, single-handedly make this world a better place for all of humanity!  I was driven, and I even believed that I had a mandate from God that required such a level of accomplishment and heroics.  I was the pastor of a growing church.  I was speaking and working in different parts of the world.  I knew lots of important leaders, and they listened to what I had to say.  I was writing to a rather large audience.  My ideas were received and taken seriously.  I was even called “An Authority”.

Now I have found myself unemployed or underemployed for over a year.  I have two part time jobs, and one of them is as a bouncer in a pub.  We have lost our house because of a lack of income, and we are now, as a family of five, living in the basement of my mother’s condo, until we can save enough to get an apartment.  I guess I am not saving the world today…

I talked to Grace after the ceremony about the “save the world” speeches.

“So, Grace, you survived Middle School.  Are you ready to change the whole world?” I asked, teasingly.

“Papa.  I’m 14.  Right now, I’m just nervous and a little scared about being a Freshman in a couple of months.” she replied, looking thoughtfully out of the passenger window.  “That’s enough for me right now.”

“Good,” I replied, “that’s very wise.”

Should I have repeated the speeches and spurred her on to want more?  Were Grace and I lacking faith, embracing fatalism instead?

I don’t think so.  In fact, I wish I had the wisdom of my 14 year old, when I was in my 30s.  She is living in the present, facing what she must face now.  Yes, she makes plans for the future, holding those dreams as a hopeful possibility for which to aim.  But, she is well grounded in the fact that life is unpredictable, dreams don’t always come true, and sometimes world changers end up as bouncers.

Here’s my point.  Dads, have you considered removing your expectations on yourselves, whether they come from your own example of a father, other cultural conventions, or even your own imagination?  If you can simply strive to be the best person you can possibly be, won’t you, by default, change your own world?  I’ve learned that, for me, removing expectations from myself has freed me to remove expectations from my children.  It has made me explore, learning how they need to be loved and raised.  In so doing, I can set them free to be the best people they can be.

Dads, may you experience all of the blessing and freedom, joy and fulfillment that come with raising children.  I truly hope that you will find a depth of love that you have never experienced before.  I know that you are already a hero and a world-changer.  Now go, and don’t seek to change the world.  Instead, go and be free!

Happy Father’s Day.

Emotion (Photo credit: rexquisite)

I have recommended therapy to many individuals and couples.  I have been thoroughly trained in coaching people in getting “unstuck” in their lives.  I have thousands of tools and programming methods to help unlock the doors of the jail cells around people’s hearts.  In all of my research and study to become an authority on emotional intelligence and smart relationships, the conventional wisdom has always been that people just need “The Perfect Question” to trigger a flood of awareness.  I have heard that my job is simply to figure out what that question is for each person.  Once I do that, my clients will be set free to flourish and succeed relationally.

Yet, time and again, I have looked into the eyes of the beautiful, intelligent, powerful person in front of me, after asking “The Perfect Question”, and I was made immediately aware that a human person cannot be unlocked by some simple combination, code, or key.  The conventional wisdom was wrong.  Perhaps that is too harsh.  I’d rather say that the conventional wisdom is useful and excellent, but, like any model, it has its limits.

The people I coach are not broken beyond repair.  They are not defective.  They simply have not had the tools to reach a point that would allow their hearts to be unlocked by a simple question.  Others are not prepared or willing to deal with the repercussions of the baggage that exists behind those locked doors, and they desire to slam the door shut again as fast as possible after taking a peek.

We have to go back to a much more foundational and basic place.  Most of us, myself included, have neglected our emotional selves to the point of deterioration of our hearts.  Now, when I say “heart”, I am not referring to the physical organ in our chest that pumps blood.  It is merely a term to describe our emotional center.

We are often completely unaware and out of touch with our own hearts.

When I am coaching individuals or couples, I see that gap reflected clearly in the blank looks in many people’s eyes.  Again, they are not mentally defective.  They simply don’t know.

At Smart Relationships, we are on a mission to help people become more emotionally intelligent in order to truly thrive in their relationships.

This begins, always, in growing in self-awareness.  When you become aware of who you are as a person in your emotional center, then the doors of your jail cell can begin to be unlocked.  The baggage beyond those cell doors becomes much less scary and overwhelming.  We can learn to embrace, rather than hide, our emotional selves.  A natural outflow of that embrace is the ability to selflessly and passionately love other people and build smart relationships.  Again, the journey begins in an awareness of who we are in our neglected emotional selves.  Once you build that intelligence, you can begin to be truly free to love yourself and others!

If you are interested in relationship coaching, I am available for appointments and can work with you to schedule times and formats that will work for you.  Click HERE or go to the “Coaching” tab at the top menu to send in an inquiry form.  I’d love to work with you!

Thanks for reading, and we welcome your comments/responses posted here!

 Discussion:  How does a journey to having better relationships with others begin in self-awareness?  How has this proven true in your experience?  In your opinion, how have people become so divorced from their hearts (leads into our next post)?

Yesterday, we linked to an incredible, and heartbreaking, post by Becca Rose from her blog, “BookwormBeauty”.  She had posted a very real story from her heart about her struggles with feelings of invalidation and brokenness.

Based on these two posts alone, we find ourselves faced with the overwhelmingly complex and messy proposition of managing our relationships.  Wouldn’t it be great if the Beatles were right, and “All we need is love”?  Sadly, this is not the case.  Many great relationships have failed, despite the abundance of love between the people involved.

So, how do we navigate this minefield of emotions, values, needs, dreams, failures, baggage, and communication breakdowns?  Fear nothing.  Yes, it can be overwhelming, but it is very possible to increase intimacy, make counter-instinctual decisions to support your loved one, and even find yourself in the process!

Our focus for the month of June: “The Foundations for Building a Smart Relationship”

During this month we will explore some of the basics of how to embrace healthy communication, grow in intimacy, and increase understanding of your own emotional self along with the person you love.  It will take some work, but it’s well worth the effort!

Why are we focusing on our emotional self?

We need to realize that we are integrated beings.  As much as we attempt to separate our emotional self from our intellectual self, such effort is always in vain.  The very fact that we attempt to segment and categorize our lives is the reason why we start with falsely focusing on one aspect of our being.  We have simply forgotten how to be integrated.  I have heard many people describe their “career self”, “married self”, “parent self”, “spiritual self”, “rational self”, and other such roles as if describing different people.  We need to start moving toward wholeness, and away from our schizophrenic perception of reality.

While the focus on the emotional part of our being may seem counter to what I just said, I find that it is the most neglected part of the makeup of individuals.  The fact is, despite our desire to appear to be rational, logical people, uninfluenced by the unpredictable whims of our emotions, we do not think or act in a vacuum.  We are not machines, but people.  Nothing we say or do is value or emotion neutral.  Everything, whether we like it or not, is affected by our emotions.  Ignoring or denying that truth leads to out of control emotions.  They will not stay stuffed down or ignored forever.  They will come out one way or another.

When we acknowledge and even embrace our emotional self, we can be more alive than ever before.  Not only that, but we can be more connected to, and more aware of, the people we love.  In other words, we grow in emotional and relational intelligence!

So, that is our mission for June.  Please jump into the conversation!  Ask questions and give illustrations of your own.  This is a great time to subscribe to our email list to explore with us all month long.  We need you and your viewpoint!

Thanks for reading, and we welcome your comments/responses posted here!

BookwormBeauty by Becca Rose

Welcome back!  Isn’t she a wonderful writer?  If you enjoyed her post, please leave a comment on her blog and/or follow her posts.

Now, let’s talk about how you were affected by her story and your own story, as well.

Discussion:  How do you feel about Becca’s plight?  Is it real or imagined?  Why do you feel that way?  Have you ever felt judged, excluded, isolated, or shamed because of your body or the way you look?  How do you perceive the reaction of others to you as a person?  How much of that is related to your character, and how much is physical?  How do you overcome shame in regard to body image?  Please share as much as you can in order to support and help others!

Thanks for reading, and we welcome your comments/responses posted here!

The fights that take place in intimate, committed relationships can be the ugliest of all.  If you were a fly on the wall for a fight between two people in a relatively healthy, well-adjusted relationship, you might think that the couple has no chance of survival.  Yet mean and hurtful fighting can be a regular occurrence in marriages and committed relationships.

Think about your own relationship.  Have you ever gotten so deep into a fight that both of you have sought to simply hurt the other, possibly even forgetting what the fight was about in the first place?  While fights like this may be common, they are not, in any sense, good.  The wear and tear on a relationship caused by this kind of fighting is ultimately destructive.

But don’t lose hope!  You are not doomed.  You are normal.  You are a feeling, loving, committed person, and you have not chosen your soul mate poorly.  You simply lack the tools to identify and diffuse these situations before they escalate.

The Key: Watch for the Signs of Too Much W.I.N.E.

Withdrawal

Many people have a tendency to walk away from important conversations, usually out of fear of being attacked verbally.  Pulling away out of  self-protection cuts off our loved one, not allowing that person to be heard and understood.  When you feel the instinct to run start to creep into your mind, choose, instead, to stay!  You will be surprised at how fast the conversation can turn into something life-giving and hopeful.

Invalidation

Character judgments, labeling, name calling, discounting the other person’s ideas and feelings, and fighting to always be “Right” are all acts of invalidation of your loved one.  True intimacy is about vulnerability, not conquest.  Instead of going with your desire to validate yourself, work to choose against that instinct by intentionally and sincerely listening to your loved one.  Hear what he or she is really saying.

Negative Interpretation

You did not fall in love with an evil nemesis, seeking your utter destruction.  So, why interpret the words and actions of the other as attack?   Again, we can curb these destructive instincts by choosing to, instead, always assume the best of our significant other.  My loved one is not seeking to hurt me or control me.  This person loves me. By choosing that filter, rather than a negative one, you open yourself to greater understanding and intimacy!

Escalation

When a disagreement gets loud and physically or verbally aggressive, both people have already lost.  Make an agreement before getting into a difficult discussion that you will mutually choose to take a short break if it gets intense.  However, make sure to reconnect to reconcile and listen to each other later, so the break doesn’t become another method of Withdrawal.

We need to watch our W.I.N.E. levels in our relationships.  This is all about creating new habits.  Changing our instincts by actively choosing the opposite.  When we do that, hurtful fighting will be replaced by healthy and loving exchanges.  Then you can curl up on the couch with your soul mate and enjoy a glass of real wine!

Questions for Discussion:  Do these signs make sense?  Are they helpful?  Have you found any other warning signs that we may have left out?  How realistic is changing your instincts?  What has been your experience?

Thanks for reading, and we welcome your comments posted here!

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