Over the last week or so, there’s been a wind of change inside of me and I’m starting to finally understand from where it blows.  Animosities that I’ve held onto for so long are seeming to melt away like butter on hot corn and each time that happens, a little bit of the anger inside of me dies.  Yes it’s very true that I’m still extremely cynical, jaded and completely wary but at the same time, I’ve spent too much time hardening my heart for the wrong reasons.  Earlier today, I wrote a couple of emails, attempting to close gaps and mend fences and all of that good stuff and one of my main sentences that showed up again and again was, “There is nothing that cannot be forgiven”.

I know that some would argue that there are things too heinous to be forgiven but I’m fully of the opinion that forgiveness is not about the other person.  Forgiveness is about ourselves.  Now then, I am a little weird in the fact that I don’t necessarily like it when people say, “Oh I forgive but I never forget!”.  I’m not sure how you can truly forgive someone if you are not willing to at least TRY to  forget.  In my personal life, forgetting isn’t about being naive enough to stand in front of the man who raped me, willing him to do it again.  No, forgetting is about putting something hurtful behind you in order to move forward, especially when that one thing is the obstacle standing between you and a million other little good things.

I know, I know…it’s idealistic and many of you won’t agree.  However, this is how I choose to live my life.  This is who I choose to be.  I’m tired of holding on to things that mean absolutely nothing yet darken corners of my heart and soul.  I’m done letting fragments of time that include bad judgments and harsh words to become the focus of my whole relationship with someone.  I’m not saying that I won’t still look out for number one and protect myself from the harshness some others always tend to bring but you know, I’m letting a lot of stuff go before I turn into this bitter person who gives up everything good in her life over principal.

With that said, I’ve talked to Dave a little bit about being “right-acting” and “right-speaking” and I think this is a path that I’ll eventually follow.  Now then, here is where you may laugh at me but I really don’t care.  Not only do I want to follow the principles above, but I also want to be more Christ-like.  Saying that doesn’t mean that I want to start being the Queen of the Holly Roll, it just means that I want to start doing things in a more kind manner.  I want to treat people better.  I want to have an open heart that is full of the forgiveness that it used to be.

In the last few years of my life, I got lost.  I’ve been acting as far from Christian as possible and it’s eating away at me in a way that I never thought it could.  Doing the right thing is hard.  I mean, wow.  I will tell you what though…just by changing the littlest reactions to others this week, I feel lighter.  Burdens are lifting from  my soul one by one and it’s an amazing feeling.  I’ve been reaching out to people who I’ve wronged, trying to make amends.  Some of them will aceept and we’ll hug and kiss and be friends forever.  Others will walk away from my extended hand because well…just because that is who they are.  At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter…as long as I try.

Um, for the record though?  I’m still too smart and savvy to let you walk all over me so uh yeah, there’s that.

Peace Out Kisses,
Me

With that said, here’s how I’ve spent my evening…looking for a new hairstyle.  InStyle Magazine Online has this cool little thingiemacbobber where you plug in a picture of yourself then basically go through hundreds of celebrity hairstyles to find one that is right for you!  Now then, I already knew what I was looking for going in, which was to see if an a-line bob would look good on me or maybe even a layered bob.  The verdict is in and yes, it will look great!

While I was there though, I couldn’t help but play around.  I mean, come on…when am I ever going to have LONG hair or BLOND hair for that matter?  Phew man, I’ll tell you one thing that’s for sure…the darker my hair gets, the less noticeable those dark circles under my eyes get.  Holy crap, I need a new concealer, eh?  Anyway, this is just for fun…I like all of these hairstyles too, actually!  Oh and for those of you that *don’t* know?  My current color and hairdo look like this.

Now then, run to the site and make some of your own!  I look forward to seeing other people blog about this cause yanno, we’re all joiners!

Gutter Slutty Kisses,
Me

The dichotomy rages inside of me, sometimes subtle but sometimes eating away at the core of me until I don’t know whether I am coming or going.  I’ve made and continue to make these decisions that are supposedly healthy for me, mentally that is.  With swift “justice”, I cut people out of my life right and left, all the while convinced that it’s best for me and my continued search for self-preservation.  People that once meant everything to me now lay bloodied on the floor as I walk past their bodies. I tightly close  my eyes and refuse to notice the destruction that I may have caused while fighting my own battles.  Others reach up to me, calling my name but I can’t hear them because it’s all I can do to survive.  Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose.  I keep moving forward.  I keep making the “right” decisions for myself at all costs.  All that matters is that when my head hits the pillow at the end of the day, my conscience is clear and I am able to sleep.

“I pray the Lord my soul to keep”…

Despite the wasteland of time forgotten, my dreams sometimes speak to me of a peace I’ve not yet known.  They come to me, willing to forgive me for whatever transgressions, be they large or small.  A snarky word gets tossed into a recycle bin as easily as my role in destroying my ex-husband gets tossed like a soccer ball into Niagra Falls, never to be seen again.  The good dreams are filled with forgiveness and love like I’ve never known.  You see, I don’t think that anyone in my entire life has ever forgiven me for the worst actions I’ve taken or the deepest hurts I’ve caused.  Not really.  If anyone comes close, it’s my Dad because he gets me and I think that once upon a time his heart felt as destructive as mine does, you know…before he figured it all out.  It’s an incredibly hurtful burden to carry, in case you don’t know that.  Not ever having been forgiven by anyone, not truly.  It makes you feel as if you’re damaged from the inside out and that absolutely nothing you do to try and change yourself will ever bring  a true sense of love or peace because clearly, your imperfections are so terrible that they can’t be forgotten.  Not forgiven…forgotten.  When people ask me why I believe in Jesus, this is what I tell them…”Someone died for my sins.  When the pain is too unbearable and I can’t even forgive myself?  There he is and I pray to him every night to make it all better tomorrow, even if just a little bit.”  I’m sure that people with different faiths can even understand that.

“If I should die before I wake”…

But what of all this self-preservation and steps taken in order to shield myself from the deepest pains that I know?  What the hell kind of legacy do I want to leave when I go?  Do I want to have missed out on the love of my life because I couldn’t fight against my self-destructive ways enough to convince him that we really did belong together?  Do I want to leave this world with all of these unsaid things that cling to my heart like barnacles hardened on the bottom of a boat?  Were I to fall asleep tonight and never wake up, how many people would know how I actually felt about them? Moreover, how much would I know about how others felt about me?   How often do I run from conversations because I hate talking on the phone?  How many nights do I sit thinking of things that I should say to you…in my head?  How can I reconcile all those things I do every day that give me that illusion of finding perfect sleep when really, it takes an army of anti-anxiety medications to even slightly move me towards slumber’s direction?  Would you know that I loved you with every single fiber of my soul?  Would you know that you meant the world to me or that you made me smile or that you broke my heart and even though I walked away, I missed you every second of every day?  You wouldn’t know because these are things we’re taught not to say.  We are taught to be strong and look forward.  We’re supposed to look towards the future and create new feelings and new friendships, lovers, husbands, wives, and everything is supposed to move on as if we didn’t just leave something behind us standing still, waving from the shore as we sailed off somewhere new.

“I pray the Lord my soul to take”…

I don’t know how to do it but fucking shit, I want people to know.  I want to cry this out and ask…no BEG God to please show me how to stop my drowning heart.  I can’t cry anymore without knowing what to do in order to fix it.  To you…I want to say I’m sorry, but I’m scared of looking weak in others’ eyes.  And to precious you…I want to tell you that I’d be anything to be the same girl you married or at least to help  you open your eyes to the fact that we all change, for better or for worse.  To my sister…I want to run to  your house and tell you that I wish I’d moved back home so I could see you and Jacob more.  To my Dad…I want to give you a better daughter.  To you…I want you to know that you’re my best friend no matter how little we see each other and that will never change.  To you…I want you to know that no matter how much I talk about “home”, you’ve done so much to make this feel like my home as well.  To the girls on the Internet who have either annoyed me to death or broken my heart, I forgive you.  To the boys who have played me like a fiddle when they thought I wasn’t looking therefore also breaking my heart, I forgive you too.

And to you, Dear Hilary (yes, that’s me)…I forgive you too.  I forgive you for your weaknesses, your mistakes, your lies, your venom, your imperfections, your extra weight, your need to be nosy, your inability to let go of a man who has made it clear that he’ll not love you again, your penchant for pushing people away and the fact that you’ve made more mistakes in one year than some do in one lifetime.  I truly forgive you.  Maybe one day, someone else will and they’ll honest to God mean it but until then, I pray the Lord my soul to take.  And to forgive.  And to mold.  And whatever else comes.

Life’s A Twisted Road That We Unwind Together Kisses,
Me

*crickets*

Rather than dwell inside of myself today, I decided to get some things done that would actually fix the problem.  So, my uninsured ass called around half of the Orlando area to find a reasonably priced “private pay” physician that specializes (or at least is knowledgeable) in anxiety, depression and the related insomnia.  Oh yeah hey, have I mentioned that I hardly sleep these days but when I do get some rest, I pretty much always dream that Shawn is fucking some new chick right in front of me and laughing at me?  Good times.  I mean, that’s not even in his character so I have no idea where that’s coming from…except I guess I do, but I really don’t want to dive into my psyche today.  Nay nay, I want to tell you a quick little story about lube and WalMart…

You see, I have never owned or operated a sex toy before.  Never ever.

While trying to find ways to alleviate some of my anger, I decided that more (and possibly better) masturbation would  help me out of this funk.  Yes, it is totally scientific so you just shush!  Anyway, I remembered that I had won this Lily “personal vibrator” from Buy-Her ages and ages ago, like before I even moved.  Once I thought of it, I quickly ran to my nightstand to open the box and see what I would need to make it work.  Did it need batteries?  No!  It has a charger!  As I read further down, I realized that I needed lube.  Me.  Needing to go buy lube.  Just dandy.  I’d also never bought lube before in my life.

Yes, I know…for such a dirty girl, I’ve been pretty sheltered.

I decided to suck it up and run to Walgreen’s for some lube and saline solution.  In fact, once I realized that I only wanted to go to the drugstore once this week, I started making a list of things I needed. And what do you suppose was on that list (besides the aforementioned items)???  Batteries.  That’s right, I needed AA and AAA batteries and actually an A2 battery if I could find one.  Fucking great, Adam had made a joke on Friday night about buying lube and batteries and here I was living in the middle of it!  Once I realized that I had a somewhat embarrassing pairing, I decided to go to WalMart.  Why?  Because WalMart has a Self Checkout line, of course!  Hey, I’m not really easily phased usually but this is Small Town Florida, not San Francisco or New York City.  I really wasn’t in the mood to be eyeballed by Mavis as she clucked disapprovingly.

Anyway, zoom zoom zoom…I got in my car and just as I was approaching the WalMart, there was a fucking rainstorm.  At that point in time, it would have been easier to go to Walgreen’s to avoid getting soaked but no, I waited.  That’s right, I sat in my car and waited for the storm to pass so that I could go into the WalMart with the Self Checkout aisle and get my damned lube and batteries!  After finally making my way inside and dashing around the store adding odds and ends to my basket, I went up to the Self Checkout line to do my business.

“Swipe.  Beep.  Swipe.  Beep.  Swipe.  Beep.  Swipe. Swipe.  Swipe.  No Beep.  Swipe swipe swipe”.

Ladies and Gentlemen, everything that I swiped worked out smoothly except the fucking lube!  I was like, “are you fucking kidding me?”.  The WalMart helper came up to see what the problem was and loudly said, “Oh your Astroglide isn’t swiping?” Fucking Mavis.  Seriously, bitch?  You had to call it by name?  As she tried to get it to work, I frantically dug through my purse for my credit card so that I could pay and get the fuck out of dodge.  The lady in line behind me smirked and said, “It’s always the juicy stuff that won’t swipe, isn’t it?”.  Ugh, ugh, ugh…I did not want to be talking to this lady about my juicy anything even though, judging by the fact that she had a lifetime supply of Depends in her basket, she probably really did understand.

Once I was finally out of the store and headed home, I had to shake my  head and laugh.  Every little action that I took to avoid people knowing that I was buying lube and batteries?  Futile.  Trying to control a situation that would have happened the way it was destined to happened?  Silly.  No matter how hard I tried to control my lube purchase, the fates wanted to giggle, apparently.  I hope they had a good time because it was just another thing that could have made me angry.

Yanno, if it hadn’t been so well worth it once I got home and….

The End Kisses,
Me

That got me thinking about....

WHAT IS YOUR ANIMAL OF CHOICE?

ARE YOU A “DOG PERSON” OR A “CAT PERSON” OR A “BIRD PERSON” OR A “REPTILE PERSON”  OR AN ANIMAL HATER OR SOME OTHER THING I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF?

Me? First and foremost, I am probably a cat person but I also love dogs.  Since I’ve been renting pretty much almost all of my life, it’s just easier to have a cat than a dog.  If I could, I would probably have both, truth be told.  I cannot handle birds or reptiles.  First of all, birds are all chirpy and noisy all of the time…bleh.  Secondly, reptiles give me the wiggins big time.  So yeah, I will stick with my furry little feline for now, thanks.

Better Late Than Never Kisses,
Me

In other words, I made assumptions.

I’m not going to beat myself up over it because it’s not like we all don’t do it from time to time.  We read little snippets here and there or overhear parts of conversations and immediately we are sure that we know exactly what is going on.  People don’t tell us everything all of the time so we do our own little crazy jobs of filling in the blanks, sometimes with good information but mostly with bad.  It’s one of those things that tends to happen no matter how hard we try not to let it.  Sometimes it seems like the only way to gain some composure and jump the hell off of the crazy train is to walk away and not look back.  You know, give each other some space and hope that once time heals the deep wounds that the little things won’t matter so much anymore.

In general, I don’t always tell people exactly how I am feeling the same way that I used to.  This seems to be making my life a bundle of nerves lately and I’m not sure that I actually like it that much.  Um, duh.  Sitting on the cusp of having so many things to say to so many people isn’t easy, especially when I’m not sure which way I want to go with it.  I’ve been picking my battles, well aware that the raw divorce emotions probably magnify everything else to a point that molehills are mountain ranges.  I’ve been trying things differently by keeping my mouth shut as best I can.  Sometimes when things get to be too much and my insides feel like they are going to explode from a nervous little bomb, I cryptically allude to things that bother me either here on on Twitter.  Lately, I’ve been trying my hardest not to even do that because when I do, I have to deal with people thinking that I am talking about them.

In other words, they make assumptions.

A fine mixture of ego and paranoia resides deeply inside of me so trust me, I am not being judgy when I say this but uh….before you assume someone is talking about you, think about how much importance you actually have in their every day lives.  Seriously, I mean…that’s not just advice that I am giving to you in order to be a bitch but it’s something that I too have to struggle to remember almost all of the time.  It’s extremely easy to take another person’s cryptically snide remarks and associate them with your own life.  I mean hell, half of the things people say under the guise of allusion make my tummy turn just a bit because I’m sure, if only for a split second, that they are so totally talking about me.  Except you know what?  Usually they’re not.  Not at all.  Also, if they are?  Well then that’s their problem because if they have something to say to me, they should just say it.  Otherwise, I’m not going to spend my life wondering who holds issues with me and when they may say something.

Honesty doesn’t come with a layaway plan.

Part of me has been struggling with tying this post all together but I think the general gist of my stream of consciousness here is this:  if something online makes you feel squiffy whenever you read it, you probably should stop reading it.  If there are people in your everyday real lives that have you questioning what they are doing because you only get glimpses and phrases?  Perhaps you should stop paying attention to that mess and start focusing on other things.  When it comes right down to it, even though I miss knowing what Shawn is up to and being able to have “one-line conversations” with him on Facebook, it was a good decision to walk away from a situation that caused much more hurt and drama than it should have.  Getting part of the story sucks, especially when your emotions are so tied up in something that you overanalyze every word.  Assuming that you know what someone is thinking or doing sucks even more.  Even still, don’t beat yourself up for being human.  I know that I don’t.

Rambly Twisty Kookaburra Kisses,
Me

Faiqa was in the driver’s seat so she got stuck asking all of the questions:

Faiqa: Yeah hi, what flavor sugar-free syrups do you have”
Me from the passenger seat: I think their coffees are flavored, so they are all sugar free.
Drive Thru Dude: We have caramel, vanilla, almond, hazelnut, almond, vanilla, caramel
Me: Did he just list those backwards and forwards?
Car: *giggle giggle giggle*

Faiqa then tried to order all of our coffee drinks…

Faiqa: Okay I’ll have a large sugar free caramel iced coffee.  Oh wait, I’ll have another one of those.
Drive Thru Dude: Okay so that is two MEDIUM sugar-free caramel iced lattes?
Faiqa: Okay and I’ll have….wait, do you NOT have large?
Drive Thru Dude: Yes, ma’am…we have large.
Faiqa:  Okay well those two were SUPPOSED to be larges.
Britt from the backseat: Wait, what do they put in it?  Ask him.  Is it creamer?
Car: *giggle giggle giggle*

Faiqa asks the question and Drive Thru Dude starts to get impatient with us.

Faiqa:  Okay so I want cream in the one and skim milk in the other.
Drive Thru Dude, in an exasperated voice: Yeah, anything else?
Car: *giggle giggle giggle*

Faiqa then ordered her coffee and all the specialty whizbangs that went with it.

Drive Thru Dude, not even attempting to hide his disdain: Yeah, anything else (venom venom venom)?
Car: *giggle giggle giggle*

We drove forward and paid the man.  We may have been a bit obnoxious, giggling over the fact that we seemed to have given him such a hard time and joking about finding jizz or loogies in our drinks.  Faiqa overheard them making fun of us as well and that made us laugh too.  Once we finally had our drinks, I could hear the girl in the place, saying something nasty about us in a mimicking voice…

So I did what any other good little American consumer would do…

I yelled, “Hey, you really shouldn’t make fun of your customers!”

Faiqa was mortified and tried to kick her car into drive but failed miserably when she hit neutral instead.  They both were like, “oh God, oh God, get us out of here” but the car seemed stuck in the moment.  Yanno, I’d been casually flippant, not bitchy.  The Drive Thru Dude even took it in stride and laughed then attempted to explain away their actions.  We drove off, laughing like hyenas….them because I think they were embarrassed and me because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

Then I said, “Hey Faiqa, pull over into that parking space.  I want to go inside and tell him that he did it wrong!”

Needless to say, she did not.

Here’s the thing though…we weren’t being *that* obnoxious and rude.  In fact, we were light hearted and doing our best with the menu that was given to us.  The responsibility of knowing what each drink and food item is does not fall upon the customer…it is up to the company to provide that information and to do it with friendly customer service.

However, it seems to me that customer service is almost a shadow of the past these days.  I’m not talking about just Dunkin’ Donuts anymore when I say this…customer service has almost ceased to exist and I want it back.  I’m tired of people who are annoyed to be doing their fucking jobs.  I’m disgusted by how many times I’ve had to listen to people talk about their personal love lives while I wait for them to take care of me, the customer.

I hate to use absolutes and I most certainly, at age 37, don’t want to be the crotchety old broad talking about “kids today”,  however it does seem like a “generation thing” most of the time.  I can’t begin to tell you the amount of times I’ve had to deal with younger employees being less than professional.  I can still recall the time I had to ask this young girl who was sucking on a lollipop and discussing to sexual nature of her date to please shut the fuck up and bag my groceries.  I can’t even count on one finger the amount of times I’ve had to listen to the girls at The Gap or Lane Bryant discuss personnel matters while ringing me up.  Look, it’s fascinating to me that BayBay is now working Tuesdays because she hates Lara but at the same time, I don’t care nor should I know that all of this is going on behind the scenes.

Before my few younger readers get all upset with me, it’s not just the disaffected youth that act this way.  What is with people that don’t even say, “Hi and how are you today?” while ringing up your purchases?  Is it that fucking hard to just say hello?  I mean, sure, you’re going to talk to the person you work with in about ten seconds and ignore me completely anyway but at least acknowledge me before you treat me like crap.

When I was younger and worked in food service and/or retail?  None of the behaviors I see today would have been tolerated, let alone excused.  I remember being sixteen years old, working my first job at Togo’s.  Even though the bulk of us working there were all teens and all friends, we never ever ever discussed our personal lives in front of customers.  Ever.  In fact, this holds true for every job I’ve had.  There’s a certain level of politeness, appropriateness, and service that one must give when you know, working in a fucking service industry.  Also, I’ll tell you what….I would have never talked to my Dunkin’ Donuts Drive Thru babes as if they were the most stupid and annoying women on the planet.  Sure, I may have thought it and said something later but never to their faces.

Do people just want to do less?  Is this about doing as little as one can to just skate by?  Is it wrong that I am so tickled at the rarity of *good* customer service that I actually speak to managers and give commendations when I *do* get it?  I mean, hi…shouldn’t good service be the norm?

The burden of customer service lies with companies and the individuals that work there, end of story.  No, an employee should never have to take certain amounts of crap but come on, they should at least try their best.

Shaking My Fist At The Neighbor Kids And Calling Them “Sonny” Kisses,
Me

Okay yeah yeah, on with the show….

1.) Logitech QuickCam for Notebooks is awarded to the one, the only the “possum of awesome”…

SYBIL LAW

Now she can get her ass on Google Talk and show me a good time!

**********

1.) A one month gift subscription to Netflix most ironically goes to…

ROBIN (AKA BELLAVENTA)

You see, I was trying to find my “invite a friend to try Netflix for one free month” email to forward to Robin last month.  However, my effort was full of failsauce.

**********

2.) A $25.00 gift card for BocaJava Online OR a “Hilly Made Coffe Care Package of Awesome” goes to…

TRIVIA LEGEND B.E. EARL

Looks like he’ll have something to drink while destroying me at Daily Trivia!

**********

3.) A $25.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com most deservedly goes to…

MB FROM WHY THE WEIGHT?

Seriously,  you guys…her name came up 2nd in pretty much every other drawing.  It seems fitting that she finally win one!

**********

4.) A $50.00 Visa Debit GiftCard (which is the secret prize from my sick day) goes to…

FINN

It wonder if it is proper for me to make her drive up here and get it?

Congratulations to all of the BIG PRIZE WINNERS! Everyone who lost, do it gracefully and congratulate these fuckers wonderful people.  But wait, there’s more!  Remember how I said there would little teeny door prizes?  Well this just in: Sheila (Charm School Reject, if you’re nasty) has won the awesome AirZooka, donated by the also awesome Avitable.  Also, Angie (AWLN) won SNL: Best of Will Ferrell, Volumes 1 and 2!  Congratulatons to you ladies as well.

Holy crapballs, this post is linky.

Anydoodle, as if this post couldn’t get any longer…the original contest on the second day of Appreciation Week was originally a quiz about how well you all know me.  Due to whiny ass shit and giving into it because I was sick, that quiz was pulled.  However, I did tally up the answers from those who did it and big surprise, Miss Britt is the winner deluxe in that department.  I’m going to give her a prize too…yep, she gets to hang out with me all of the time.  Wow, what a gift!  Ahem.  I mostly kid.  What I WILL give her is what she wanted and that is for me to post the answers to that Hilly Quiz!  So if you are so inclined, come with me under the jump and see how well you did or would have done.

To the rest of you who don’t give a fuck about getting to know me better?  Thank you so much for your continued support and I hope this next year brings us all something special.  Remember this…don’t sweat the small stuff and as I said on Twitter…someone is going to dislike *something* that you do all of the time.  The trick is learning not to give a fuck.

And now, on to the answers…

1) In which city would I ultimately like to live?
a) San Francisco – this is my favorite city in California

2) What topping(s) do I hate on my pizza?
e) all of the above  – pepperoni I can *sometimes* tolerate but ew on pork, beef and extra sauce

3) What book have I read more times than any other?
c) Jane Eyre – swooon, Mr. Rochester

4) What is my cat’s name?
c) FC – you all should have known this.  For shame.

5) Who do I consider to be “my hero”?
d) My Dad – just because he is.

6) How many siblings do I have?
b) 1 sister – I was hoping number 11 would have helped you out here.

7) My favorite party game is?
d) Apples to Apples – except with certain people who just don’t get it…sigh.

8) Before I grew up, I always wanted to be a…
c) psychologist – love the analyzing of everything

9) My favorite food in the whole world is actually NOT cupcakes. What is it?
b) authentic chicken tacos – mmm crispy greasy corn shell

10) Growing up, my Mom’s nickname for me was….
a) beanie (nobody got this right) – Hillybean turned into “Beanie”.

11) As a kid, I did the following awful thing to my sister…
c) stuck gum in her hair while bathing, just because I was bored.  Ahem.

12) Without looking at my pictures or videos, my eye color is…
a) brown

13) I love the teevee, but I find the following show to be trashy and lame (sans kitsch):
c) COPS – at least the other shows have kitsch value

14) I’ve only had one INVASIVE surgery in my life. What was it?
b) tonsillectomy

15) What is my middle name?
e) Meredeth

16) Who is my very best friend?
b) Foo Diddy

17) True or False: I’ve never been in a real physical fight
a) true – never ever have hit someone and wouldn’t know what to do!

18) Which of the following is the most important to me?
d) love – duh

19) If I could meet one celebrity, it would be…
d) Tori Amos

20) My favorite artist of all time is…
d) Monet – he IS my favorite artist even though my favorite painting is done by Van Gogh.

Kissing It Up On The Barry Gibb Talk Show,
Me

Anydoodle, as we all know, the last weeks have seen the passing of a few celebrities including Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. I don’t find any of their lives or deaths to be more important than the other because hello, they were all people with souls, hearts and minds and to honor one more than the other seems kind of tacky to me. HOWEVER, one of them sang and because of that, this question exists.

With that said, it’s time for…..

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MICHAEL JACKSON SONGS?

I asked this question on Twitter the night that MJ passed away and was reminded of a few that I otherwise would have forgotten so my list is expanded. My very very very favorite Michael Jackson song is, of course, Thriller. Every time I hear that song, I want to get up and dance (in fact, last Halloween a few of us did just that!). It’s not only a song, but also a theatrical production of sorts.

When you open up your life for all to see, people have things to use against you.  You catch people talking about you when they accidentally send a message to the wrong person.  You catch yourself dealing with the vulnerability in ways that you are not proud of, like maybe getting way too worked up over someone else’s business that has absolutely nothing to do with you.  You watch yourself get too caught up in other people’s drama and lives because it takes away from dealing with your own.  In other words, your escape plan actually becomes shackles and chains and the worst part is that it’s generally self-inflicted.  I don’t think I’m proud of how much I’ve been into hearing about and talking about other people’s fucking drama lately.  In fact, I’m declaring a moratorium on submersing myself into these situations that take away from the life that I should be focusing on….mine.  This isn’t spawned by something in particular, rather moments of quiet reflection while waiting for ear drops to do their bidding.  Also, this isn’t some grand apology or self-flagellation, rather just an acknowledgment that I’m aware of some of my recent shortcomings and am doing everything possible to flip the switch.

My life seems to be ever-growing and ever-changing, doesn’t it?

This morning I woke up, hoping and praying that my ear would be better however, nope.  In fact, I’m now all hot and dizzy and oogy but yanno, whatever.  As I washed my teeth and brushed my face, I realized that today was my offical weigh-in day.  As I rolled my eyes in the back of my head, I stripped out of my boojamas and hit the scale.  The room felt all spinny as I waited for the number to finally show up on the screen…then I gasped.

Since moving to Florida, I have lost 12 pounds.  Since the beginning of 2009,  I have lost 17 pounds.

At first, I cheered.  Quite shortly after that, I almost started beating myself up that I’d not done more in the last six months.  I quickly talked myself off of that ledge when I realized that for the first time in two years, I’m actually showing a net loss halfway through the year rather than a gain.  Of course, right after that, I reminded myself that this was all weight I had put on in the last two years so why did I deserve to be happy about the net loss?

Lastly?  I slapped myself and told my fucking neurotic brain to get the hell over it.

Word.

Do you realize that this is the first year in two years that I’ve shown a net loss halfway through the year?  Oh wait, of course you do because I’ve now said it twice.  However, the gravity of that?  Wow…just wow.  I’ve got a head start on the rest of the year and even if I only take off 17 more?  At least that is something.  It’s something more than what I’ve been able to do in the last few years so you know, something must be right.

Something about this new life must be okay.

Even when I’m homesick or marriage sick, I must be truly living and working towards happiness.  My body is the tell-tale sign of moods hidden beneath layers and layers of protection.  My eating disorder and preclusion to binge let me know when I am miserable, scared, or even a bit too manic.  Lately, eating has been more of a necessity than an actual hobby, which is a very good thing.

I’ve been trying so hard to get through a blog entry without crying and yet today, I am not able to do so.  Sure, I am sick and miserable and my body is stiff from not being able to work out but that’s not it.  Nay nay, I am tearing up because I think everything is going to be okay.

And that might be the first time I’ve said it that I actually believe it.

Hilpreciation Kisses,
Me

*PS – You can enter any of the last three Blog Appreciation contests until Saturday night at midnight. I’ve added a day because I am not feeling well enough to do the drawings yet.