I can't believe they cut me off from the drinks cart.

As many of you heard, there are new restrictions that have been placed on people traveling by air. Initially, the requirement was that passengers were required to sit in their seats without touching anything for the last hour.

Fortunately, the insanity of making millions of airline passengers sit on their hands for an hour overwhelmed the air travel industry and the TSA has now decided that these restrictions will be applied on a case-by-case basis at the discretion of the flight crew. Presumably, this means that any time you are on a flight that has at least one non-white person, the flight crew will invoke their right to make your trip miserable.

In the event that you are so unfortunate as to have been placed on a flight where the crew decides to punish its passengers, we have compiled this list of ways to pass that dreadful last hour. Remember to devote it to memory, as you will not have the benefit of recall using a mobile device when the time comes.

1 – Sleep

Perhaps the greatest option for passing time, as it requires very little effort and you don’t even notice the time going by. Unfortunately, not everyone has the ability to sleep without the comfort of their Sealy Posturepedic Ultra Premium Ultra Plush Euro Pillow Top Mattress Set, but for those of us who can sleep through a train wreck, this is the premier solution to handling these new requirements.

2 – Imagine the life story of the strangest-looking person in your field of vision

Oh, sure. You could spend the hour trying to look at the hottest woman around, but you’re probably more than likely going to annoy the crap out of her. Normally, this isn’t a problem, but nowadays, she can call the stewardess over and report that you’re acting suspiciously. That’s the modern day equivalent of being called a witch in 17th Century Salem, Massachusetts.

3 – Count screws, rivets, or other interesting construction components in varying sections of the plane

Not exactly the most…(puts on sunglasses)… riveting.

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

4 – Mentally outline a story in your favorite genre

You’re the smartest person you know, right? And you’re super-imaginative. Hell, you could probably write the next big hit like Harry Potter, right? Well, here’s your chance. You have 60 minutes to come up with an outline for the greatest story ever. GO!

5 – Look back upon your life’s decisions to pinpoint where everything went so wrong

Wish you’d dropped out of college with your buddy, Bill Gates? Beginning to think that maybe you should have asked that girl to marry you? Wish you didn’t ask that other girl to marry you? Well, you won’t be able to fix those old problems, but now you have the time to sit and dwell on the past. God, why did you marry that horrible, horrible woman?

6 – Eavesdrop on surrounding conversations

This isn’t such a bad idea, because it puts you in the safety zone of conversations in enclosed spaces. You don’t have to worry about getting stuck in a conversation that you want to have nothing to do with and you get the benefit of having a free form of entertainment. Sure, eavesdropping is some sort of moral evil, but since when did you really have morals, anyway?

7 – Try to figure out on what day of the week your next 5 birthdays will land

I don’t know any tricks to be able to figure this out and neither should you. The only people who should be able to figure out things like this are people who have some sort of autism. Props to them for getting a really weird superpower mixed in with a few other… less super powers. Just the same, people without autism who can do this without formal knowledge of some sort of equation have ruined the opportunity for them to do some precious time-killing math, and for that, they suck even more.

8 – Rank your exes in order of height, weight, personality, degree to which they were ‘good for you,’ boob/wiener size, etc.

Yes, it’s shallow. Yes, it might evoke some sincerely negative emotions, which may cause you to spend the next hour re-visiting number 5, particularly if you have a very short list of ugly partners, but misery will make the time fly by. Before you know it, you’ll be on land and on the phone with the one that got away, or possibly her husband. Either way, you can blog about your shame for all the world to ignore.

9 – Practice your subtle annoyance skills on a nearby passenger

Pretend to be sleeping and poke your neighbor. Kick your own seat and blame the kid sitting behind you so that they get in trouble with their parents. Breathe funny on purpose. Moan or make soft humming noises. Either way, it’s more fun to be annoying than it is to be annoyed. For that reason, I suggest a first-strike policy.

10 – Try to remember a list of things to do when you’re sitting on an airplane with nothing to do

Oh, what the heck was on that list? Am I supposed to pee in my pants? Maybe I should try to squirt a little out to see if that helps pass the time… Damn it! I can’t stop the stream! Now my neighbor thinks it’s lighter fluid! SHIT!!! I’m getting tackled!

11 – Play a song in your head

Really big fan of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face? Do you think you still will be after playing through the song in your head? Heck, maybe you’ll learn to appreciate its subtle nuances even more when you realize how well you’ve come to know it. Well, if you don’t like that song, pick another. If you play an instrument, try to play the song through your mind. That’s pretty damned bad-ass. Well, unless you play the viola… unless you’re playing both primary melodic voices in Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 6, which would go back to the realm of badass.

12 – Try to think of real-world solutions to real-world problems that apply either to you, your community, or the world at large

It would be so surreal if the cure for cancer came out of people being regularly forced to sit quietly for an hour. Highly unlikely, but it would be some crazy stuff. Either way, you might be able to figure out a better way to organize your sock drawer if you apply your mind.

13 – Look out the window

You’d think that this would have been pretty high on the list, but when you consider that 2/3 people on the plane don’t have a window seat, it loses to activities that apply to larger numbers of passengers. Just the same, it is only interesting for so long and if you’re a regular flier, it ends up losing its appeal. It’s still something to do, however.

14 – Talk to your neighbors

For many people, this may seem obvious. For midwesterners, it’s even considered pleasurable. For elitist coasties, it’s unbearable. The idea that you might be sitting next to some crazy old bat who wants to tell you everything about her grandkids, or worse, a Republican… {{{shudders}}}

No, I don’t think I’m going to ask my neighbor why she was reading Going Rogue before we were put on lockdown. Chances are that it’s going to end with one of us crying and the other one being carted away by the FBI for being a potential terror threat.

Of course, you shouldn’t feel too badly about your new, more terrorized flight experience. Imagine trying to do a little traveling while being of Middle Eastern descent.

Of course, when you consider that the objective of the terrorists is to terrorize our society, you have to admit that they’ve done a hell of a job. As it stands, I’m more worried about whether I’m going to pee in my pants during the last hour of my next flight than I am about someone trying to bring my plane down.

Click any thumbnail for a full-sized image.

Sources

hippo, butterface, escalator, monk, cow, kitten, smoking gun, sweet, lion

It would be even funnier if there wasn't such a risk of death.

A lot of people have been talking about swine flu (H1N1) lately. It’s all over the news and there are even calls that it is being over-reported. I was on the fence about the media frenzy over the issue, because although there seems to be a lot of talk about it, there seems to be more hype over it in the reporting than anything else, at least according to every single person I’ve ever spoken to.

Of course, I do understand why the H1N1 virus is something that the reporters are getting in a frenzy over. The Spanish Flu, which has been granted the politically correct name “The 1918 Flu Pandemic”, killed 50 million people worldwide. That was the H1N1 virus. That’s twice as many deaths in 3 years than AIDS in 28 years. It also happened to be 3% of the global population, and it wasn’t just isolated to poor and developing nations that people seem to find it so easy to neglect. If this run of the swine flu is as prolific as the previous one, we could see more than 200 million global deaths.

Last week alone, 19 children died due to H1N1 in the US alone. According to the CDC, swine flu is widespread in 48 states. The WHO is recording a global mortality rate of slightly less than 0.5%, but that report was actually posted in July of 2009. The virus has spread a great deal more since that time.

Th story has been politicized as President Barack Obama declared this to be a national health crisis, but it has also become a personal one for me, as my mother has recently been diagnosed with the virus and is sicker than she’s been in her 61 years of life. In the interest of increasing public awareness of how this disease effects people on a personal level, I would like to share her tale.

Wednesday -

Started feeling sick, very tired, hard to concentrate, coughing

Thursday -

Woke up feeling worse, went to doctor’s appointment for 4:00 PM, 103.6 temperature which was treated with Tylenol (Ibuprophen allergy), doctor’s opinion is that she has swine flu, sent out to LabCorp for testing on Friday morning, prescribed Tamiflu to fight the illness ASAP and azithromycin

Took prescriptions to Walgreens, our preferred pharmacy. Went back to pick up prescriptions and were told that the azithromycin was ready, but that the insurance company “didn’t approve” the Tamiflu (we were given the option to buy it at $162.00, so they had it in stock).

Her temperature went down to as low as 101, but went back up to 103.5 at 12:37 AM. Gave her two extra strength Tylenol again, and by 2:00, her temperature was under 100. During this period, she suffered what has become known in our family as a case of turbulent diarrhea, severe coughing, went through dozens of tissues, 3 bottles of water, and couldn’t sleep.

Friday -

We went to LabCorp for her blood testing. They were fast and efficient, though the test for swine flu takes 24 hours. Additionally, we were told that we had to go back to our doctor’s office to get a nasal swab done, because the lab does not offer this service.

We returned immediately to the doctor’s office, who took us immediately and administered the nasal swab. The doctor has been calling back and forth with the insurance company trying to get the medication he prescribed approved. My mother’s temperature at this time was 102.

At 4:00 PM, we get a call from the doctor’s office telling us that they finally got approval for the Tamiflu from the insurance company. Walgreens called us at about 5:30, so I went to get my mother her medication.

She took her first dose 24 hours after she took her first dose of the antibiotic because the insurance company was betting that someone in the chain would either give up trying to get the medication approved or that we would have bought the medication without insurance coverage.

After my mother took her first dose, I started reading all of the paperwork for the Tamiflu when I came across this interesting piece of information:

“This medicine is an antiviral used for treating influenza, including H1N1 influenza (swine flu), in patients 1 year of age and older who have had symptoms for no more than 2 days. It may also be used to prevent influenza in patients 1 year of age and older.”

In other words, if the insurance company decided to give the protection that they promised, my mother would have started the Tamiflu 36 hours after showing sings of infection. Because of the insurance company’s delay, she started taking it 60 hours later, which is outside of the 48 hour period that it is supposed to be most effective.

It is currently Friday night at 9:30 and her temperature is at 100.2. We’re still managing the temperature with Tylenol, but we’re just relieved that she finally has all of the medication she needs.

Do not try until age 16

The world of bad parenting never ceases to amaze. Of course, the worst form of parenting comes from such evil characters as Casey Anthony, Andrea Petrosky, and Robert Farquharson, but there is also such a thing as pushing a child too hard to succeed.

Although there is a long history of parents evening out their old scores in athletics, this father’s parenting seems to be more about setting up the best Rocky montage than about preparing a child for ALL of the aspects of life.

The name of this boy is not known to us at this time, but will be updated if and when information becomes provided.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The name of this boy is not known to us at this time, but will be updated if and when information becomes provided.

Life-long injuries are likely to happen with the type of activity this little 5-year-old boy is doing, but unfortunately, the staff at snewzbutton does not include a doctor. Anyone in the medical field is encouraged to comment as to whether this child is dangerously in shape.

A collection of the day’s most intriguing images.

Click any thumbnail for a full-sized image.

Sources:
hand meatloaf (with instructions to make your own hand meatloaf)
slutty dog
headless dogman
Galaxy II along with other awesome work by Polish graphic artist Magda Zych
River
Big ol’ duck
Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken Although the article does state that this is the official name of the Mattel doll, I have yet to find an official statement made by Mattel verifying this claim.

Without further ado, I present to you:.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It's like Hollywood, but with bribes!

As Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announces the US health care bill, we here at snewzbutton offer our solution for a filibuster-proof manner to get the public option into the US health system. This is an easily understandable fear, as there are undoubtedly a number of Republican Senators chomping at the bit to remake Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.

Realistically, any filibuster is not likely to last forever, and even if the Republicans filibuster for a month, at the end the Democrats have the votes to pass the bill and that means that by Christmas, thousands of little boys and girls will get their chemo treatments that their little lives depend upon.

1) Public Option -

Class-based limits offering unlimited, paid treatment to persons with a net worth over $10 Million and reducing coverage down to application of a single bandage per year at a cost of $5000 for anyone below the poverty line.

This will open up a black market for cheap $500 band-aids

2) Tax breaks for the wealthy

One way to pull the heart strings of the Republicans in Congress is to offer money to people who have absurd amounts of it already. Clearly the social classes are too close in the United States, so the best option is to take money out of Social Security and give it to anyone whose income is over $20 Million. The amount given in this tax incentive should equal twice the amount of money the wealthy recipient was to pay in taxes. That way it doesn’t look like some sort of scam to keep rich people from paying taxes.

The only good money is MORE money!

3) Immediate resignation of Joe Biden and the nomination of Sarah Palin to replace him as the new Vice President.

Upon confirmation of Vice President Palin, President Obama is to resign as well. By doing this, we’ll be able to ensure the important family values that… um… er… It’ll be about job creation!

That'll get Amurca on the right path. You betcha!

4) Alter US History text books

- to say that the phrase “under God” has always been in the pledge of allegience instead of having been added in 1954, “In God We Trust” has always been the official US motto as opposed to it having been voted in by Congress in 1956, and that “so-called” conservativism isn’t really just based on a bunch of radical ideologies that are less than a century old. Even Blue Cross of Blue Cross/Blue Shield fame was only founded in 1929 and is the oldest business that started as a health insurance company.

What about "In Gold We Trust?"

5) Make Jesus an official founding father of the United States.

This one is a no-brainer. While we’re at it, we might as well make the Bible the only text allowed in schools, declare the country as having been founded at the birth of Christ, and make Christianity the official religion of the United States. This way, we can all be free to do what the conservatives want.

I'm pretty sure that's how it happened, but where is the dinosaur?

6) Pay for it by cutting aid to the poor and increasing taxes on Americans making up to 50,000/year.

Yeah! What have the poor done for us lately?

We support the troops!

The moral of the story: Don’t steal.

A collection of the day’s most intriguing images.

Click any thumbnail for a full-sized image.