...so I stabbed him in the head with a fork

Beginnings and endings

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 23:54:00 +0000

Three and a half years after The Paperweight walked out on me, a 14 year old and a 3 year old....
Three and a half years after I started this blog....
The Thing and I got married.
And yes, it was perfect.

So, and you have probably seen this coming, I've decided to end this blog.
While I still, on numerous occasions, want to stab The Paperweight (and many others) in the head with a fork, the original reasons for this blog's existence no longer remain. I'm sure at some point, since I still have an attitude and a big mouth, I will want to blog again. But it won't be here. And I have no idea when.
And this is under the assumption that I can think of a cool blog name again.

Until then, enjoy your life.
I know I will mine.

MIA for just a little bit longer

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 22:25:00 +0000

Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

Like my wedding to The Thing.

July 18, 2009 10:30am

Wish us luck. :)

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a butterfly

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:48:00 +0000

Things are starting to get better.

The Girl's surgery went well and without complications. Her follow up appointment is tomorrow and we are hopeful.

I'm getting married in less than a month.

My company had a change of heart and reduced my salary reduction from 20% to 12% - a much more bearable amount to live with. Or without, as the case may be.

I'm getting married in less than a month.

Girlfriend has pulled through her ordeal as well (the one she never blogged about but at least she's blogging again so yea!) and now that it seems to be over I can admit that 1) I was really really fucking scared and 2) I'm a little disappointed her boobs didn't get any bigger.

I'm getting married in less than a month.

I couldn't have said it better myself

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 12:16:00 +0000

When it was done and you went to sleep, I lay awake and listened to the clock on your nightstand and the wind outside and understood that I was really home, that in bed with you was home, and something that had been getting close in the dark was suddenly gone. It could not stay. It had been banished. It knew how to come back, I was sure of that, but it could not stay, and I could really go to sleep. My heart cracked with gratitude. I think it was the first gratitude I've ever really known. I lay there beside you and the tears rolled down the sides of my face and onto the pillow. I loved you then and I love you now and I have loved you every second in between. I don't care if you understand me. Understanding is vastly overrated, but nobody ever gets enough safety. I've never forgotten how safe I felt with that thing gone out of the darkness.
-Lisey's Story, by Stephen King

June is almost as bad as April except no one's died but it's only the 9th so we'll wait and see

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 23:30:00 +0000

To follow up;

The Paperweight was green with envy. However, this has only served to make him even more of an utter ass than he is normally. And we thought it wasn't possible...

But The Boy did graduate from high school Hallelujah! and Amen!
And he had this thing scheduled for this week that would take care of what he was going to do with the rest of his life. However, that too was shot to hell when I spent Saturday night with him in the Emergency Room (in MD, which, as we all know, doesn't take our PA health insurance) and he was diagnosed with a separated shoulder.

The Girl (and while I appreciate all of the advice, if we're to the point that we're being referred to specialists, we are obviously way beyond bubble baths and wiping procedures) has been diagnosed with Vesicoureteral Reflux and is scheduled for surgery and next week.
And on top of that (as if surgery wasn't enough), while I actually went through the process of finding the only in-network urologist in this fucking state to make my crappy ass health insurance happy, I still received a call yesterday stating that the said crappy ass health insurance has deemed it unnecessary and has denied authorization (ie. they won't pay for it).
So if you haven't clicked on the link above, do so now and read all about the permanent kidney damage. And remember that sonogram she had to have? It's already showing that her left kidney has been affected. I wonder what it would take for them to decide it is necessary?
We've decided not to wait and let her right kidney go while we find out and instead I forked over the $600 advance to the doctor. Hospital bill to follow.

Oh, yes, which brings us to my income. While I did survive (so far) and was not one of the 10 people let go by my company recently, I did get, for my decade of self sacrifice and hard work, a 20% pay cut.
No, there is no decimal between those two numbers. I actually said 20%.

I've also been dealing/avoiding an issue with Girlfriend which is not my story to tell, so I won't.
But it's bothering me.
Because I love her.

And I think I caught the damn Swine-Bird-Mad Cow-H1N1 fucking flu at the fucking ER because I woke up Sunday morning with 3 golfballs worth of shit in my throat, ears, and sinuses and it hasn't gone away. Every inch of my body has hurt since then, I've gone threw 2 bags of cough drops, 2 boxes of tissues, Advil by the handful and I have a boo-boo nose.
But do you know what the worst fucking part of it is?
I had tickets to the Nine Inch Nails concert tonight that I've been waiting for forever and I couldn't go because I'm running a fever and will passout shortly after posting this. Seriously, Thing even has The Girl sleeping over at the neighbors because I'm in no condition to do anything.
Except taking large quantities of cold medicine and think about licking Trent Reznor's biceps.....mmmmm......

Beer IQ

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Fri, 29 May 2009 00:36:00 +0000

Let's see if Bob can get a perfect score on this...

The one where I explain what's been going on and why I drank all the wine

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Tue, 26 May 2009 23:11:00 +0000

The Boy had his last day of class and preparations began for his graduation ceremony next week. I will not believe he actually graduated until it's all over and I'm holding his high school diploma in my hand. Don't ask what his plans are after graduation. We have no idea.

The Paperweight (with 3 Hole Punch) will be visiting our new house for the first time ever so that he can attend The Boy's graduation ceremony with us. I have thereby cleaned, scrubbed, painted, planted, mowed, mulched, dusted and/or remodeled anything that sat still long enough to allow me to do so. That man must be green with envy when he leaves and have no doubt in his mind that The Girl will forever and always be better off with me.

I've learned that I still have a lot of growing to do.

I've also discovered that the only thing more adorable than a beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed six year old little girl is a beautiful blond-haired blue-eyed six year old little girl who has lost her two front teeth a day apart. Seriously, you could eat her right up.

At least you can right after we find out what's causing her UTIs. She's had three in 2 1/2 months and are now dealing with things like urologists and sonograms. I'm too old for this.

I found a new mole and am headed to the doctor's. Again. I'm too young for this.

At the beginning of a 4 day heat wave (temperatures of 90 & above), we discoverd our air conditioner was broke.

My laptop decided it had had enough and could no longer live with it's motherboard thereby forcing me to call Dell Tech Support.

I had to call Dell Tech Support. Enough said.

And last, but certainly not least, after 6 weeks of wait and wonder, this is the week I find out if I'm one of the 10-15 employees being let go from my office.

I need more wine.

3 1/2 minutes

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Mon, 11 May 2009 12:25:00 +0000

So if you've been a regular reader for the last couple years you know that The Thing and I are engaged. If you haven't been, surprise!
I realize I don't talk about it much (ie. ever since it happened) but that's because there isn't a whole lot to talk about. We knew we wanted to get married, we just weren't in an all fire rush to do it. It was never a question of if we'd get married someday, just when.

But we've recently decided when the when would be. While planning our summer vacation, which consists of stops throughout the Midwest & west coast, we planned a stop in Vegas.
Wedding rings have been bought.
However, we suck at the whole secret part of the eloping thing and pretty much everyone will know we are getting married before we go.

The Thing, of course, wanted to tell his parents personally before it got back to them from someone else. So yesterday, while we were there visiting, he made the big announcement.

I think we set a new record. It took exactly 3 1/2 minutes between the words "Fauve and I are getting married" to leave The Thing's mouth and when his dad started talking about us having kids.
Oy vey

You would think computer nerds would know better

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 06 May 2009 16:07:00 +0000

So have you seen the new feature of the Google Toolbar? The one in which when you open a new tab it shows your top 6 most visited websites?

For my convenience...

So, who in their right fucking mind thought this was a good thing to do? Just because certain websites are my "Favorites" doesn't mean I want anyone standing behind me, or who borrows my laptop, to know these are the websites I go visit everyday....
And to make matters worse, clearing your 'History' does not change what shows up on this Toolbar. It seems that the only way I may be able to get rid of it is to uninstall Google toolbar all together. Which I hesitate to do, since I like all of it's other features.
Seriously, what fucktards.

And yes, as a matter of fact when this feature was first added 4 of my 6 most visited that showed up were porn.
What's it to you?
Shuttup.

How can you be a smokin' 25 year old with an 18 year old son? :) *‏

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Mon, 04 May 2009 16:04:00 +0000

The Boy turned 18 over the weekend. I'm not as sad or melancholy about it as I thought I would be though. Probably because he doesn't act any more like an adult than he did before. I don't think graduation next month will bother me a whole lot either. I figure I'll be too busy celebrating that he actually made it through with a diploma that I won't have time to bawl.
The Boy has been suffering from a bad case of Senior-itis. I think I found the cure though. I pointed out to him that while it's true that, legally, he doesn't have to listen to me anymore, that it's also true that, legally, I don't have to feed him any more.

He studied a lot this weekend.

* Courtesy of Lemming, who just cracks my shit up.

Ding Dong April is dead!

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Fri, 01 May 2009 16:01:00 +0000

April, here forth known as the suck-ass month, is officially over so I think it's safe for me to come out of hiding. Keep your fingers crossed though.

Thing and I had a wonderful time on our get-away-weekend. I highly recommend both the city and the hotel. However, I would suggest that before you go, you check to see if any conventions, especially ones where they are having costume contests, are being held at said romantic hotel.
I've never been in a hotel with that many virgins before.
(doh!)

In other news, The Girl, despite all of my uncoordinated genes, has shown an aptitude for soccer, The Boy received his cap & gown for graduation in June and last night I taught the Thing the phrase Tramp Stamp, much to his delight.
Yes, as a matter of fact, we are still watching Dark Angel.

One thing, My Thing

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 13:18:00 +0000

So here's the thing, April sucks.
This has been one of the worst months in recent memory. We've had everything from a relative getting a leukemia diagnosis to the death of a loved one. From notice of layoffs to the loss of a near life long dream, and everything in between.

What the hell happened to my sane little world? I plug along, as best I can, and most days just as I reach close enough to the surface that I see air bubbles begin to rise, the great arm of the universe reaches in and pushes my head under the water again. I'd kind of like to just take a vacation from life, bury myself under the covers and tell the universe to go fuck itself.

But today, I will try again. I took the day off work, which is probably not the smartest thing I've ever done since they are currently choosing who they'll layoff next month. But as I've worked at least 12 hours a day every other day this week, I feel somewhat justified. I'm stealing my sweetie and we're sneaking away for the weekend to find out whether or not Virginia really is for lovers.
For you see, today is The Thing's birthday. He's my ray of hope. It was this month, this total suck ass month, that gave me the man I love with every fiber of my being. Happy birthday sweetie. I love you.

If you're not watching

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Dollhouse, you should be.

But keep your fucking mitts off Dichen Lachman. She's mine.

My boobs are smaller!

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:52:00 +0000

I hate to admit it, but I've discovered it is a lot easier to exercise when you don't smoke.

Dammit.

You a playa playa from the Himalayas?

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 01:27:00 +0000

Thing bought the Dark Angel box set (all two seasons of it) so that's what we've been watching in the evenings. It's bad. And not Road House kind of bad either but stick a fork in your head Death Bed kind of bad. But I love The Thing and I know he has a little Jessica Alba crush and besides he puts up with me watching shit like Death Bed and Teeth, so it's all good.
It wasn't until recently that it occurred to me that the amount of sex we've been having has tripled.

God Bless Jessica Alba.

Boring

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 00:36:00 +0000

I know, I too waited all day for Used*To*Be*Me to post a meme but she let me down. She let us all down...

Yea, I got nothing.
Oh, but Slick was found, so that's something. Turns out he took a wrong turn on the way back from Girlfriend's mom's house and got lost in the no man's land that is Ohio.

The other white meat

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 12:36:00 +0000

Bottlecap pushed me down the stairs Friday evening. My tailbone took the brunt of the initial impact though my back hit every tread during my progress down the remaining stairs.
I think he's decided he wants The Thing all to himself again and is plotting my demise in order to eliminate me from the equation (ie. make more room on the bed).
The normally lazy-ass cat has been following me around for the last three days now just waiting to pounce again. Fucker.
See? There he is, staring at me again.
Help....

Beyond snips and snails and puppydog tails

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 16:35:00 +0000

Do you know what the worst part of parenting is?

Way worse than sleepless nights, projectile vomiting and exploding shitty diapers? More tug-at-your-heart sadder than the first day of school, the first sleep over, the first date? More frightening than the first immunization shot, the first set of stitches, and the first time they borrow the car?

It’s when you reach the day that you realize that there is a pain that your kiss won’t make all better. When their eyes are filled with fear and tears and there isn’t a goddamn thing you can do about it. That after 17 years and 11 months, there is something mom can’t fix.

And I fucking hate it.

Question of the week

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:56:00 +0000

So ladies, honestly now, how much say does your significant other have in the, uh, style of your pubic hair? Do you go strictly by what you like or what your partner likes? Or is it a compromise?

And,would you honor a request to do the opposite of what is your norm?
Say, would you go long if you were shaved, or shave if you were hairy, if that were the request of your partner?

Surprising

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:36:00 +0000

Another meme from Used*To*Be*Me (you're going to keep giving me stuff to blog, right?)
Not where I want to be but way better than I thought I was....

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Medium
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Perfection

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:30:00 +0000

So I'm a little late posting today, but it's still daylight somewhere in the country, so I'm okay.
Thank you for the birthday wishes and yes, I did get a little drunk. I have to say, I had the absolutely perfect birthday weekend. It was a good combination of productive, relaxing and fun.
Between the two of us, The Thing and I, this weekend, fixed a leaky sink, repaired the toilet that wouldn't stop running, replaced the ceiling fan and exhaust fan cover in the family room, did 6 loads of laundry, washed more dishes than you can shake a stick at (ha!) and rebuilt The Girl's swingset/gym that's been sitting in the garage since the move last Spring.
We also spent 24 hours with Girlfriend and T in which we drank two bottles of wine, a case of beer, ate 3 large pizzas, 2 containers of strawberries, 18 cookies, half a birthday cake and enough cheese to constipate a cow.
It fucking rocked!

Then they went home and I had to work this morning. That sucked.
But in 93 hours we'll be in Pennsylvania for another weekend with Girlfriend and T, this time at their place.

I need to buy bigger pants.
And some more Advil.

Buon Compleanno

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 12:36:00 +0000

So I'm turning 29 again tomorrow. Since last year, I moved to another state, started working from home, have been to more shows that you could shake a stick at (and I'll give a dollar to anyone who can tell me where that saying comes from because, seriously, how weird is that?), I've discovered a lot more about myself than I probably really wanted to find out in a year and I've up-ed my hair expenses to $115 a month. I think it's become my new addiction since I quit smoking.
But I look hott, so it's totally worth it.

And I'm getting the best present ever tomorrow. Girlfriend and her hubby T are coming to visit for the weekend. I've planned a little get-together for while they are here. I want to introduce my BFF to my new Maryland friends. There will be pizza and beer and there is a rumor of margaritas and Smiley Cookies.
So have a good weekend everyone. I plan to.
And I promise to post pictures next week if Girlfriend gets drunk.

A new meme

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:44:00 +0000

From the lovely Used*To*Be*Me

Bold the states you’ve been to, underline the states you’ve lived in and italicize the state you’re in now…

Alabama / Alaska / Arizona / Arkansas / California / Colorado / Connecticut / Delaware / Florida / Georgia / Hawaii / Idaho / Illinois / Indiana / Iowa / Kansas / Kentucky / Louisiana / Maine / Maryland / Massachusetts / Michigan / Minnesota / Mississippi / Missouri / Montana / Nebraska / Nevada / New Hampshire / New Jersey / New Mexico / New York / North Carolina / North Dakota / Ohio / Oklahoma / Oregon / Pennsylvania / Rhode Island / South Carolina / South Dakota / Tennessee / Texas / Utah / Vermont / Virginia / Washington / West Virginia / Wisconsin / Wyoming / Washington D.C /

Hmmm. I've been to more than I realized. I'll be adding Texas this summer, for sure, and hopefully New York too.

Anyone can do the meme (I'm not tagging anyone specifically) but leave me a link if you play along. If you don't have a blog, feel free to play along in the comments.

And you thought I was weird

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 12:27:00 +0000

If you've been reading for any length of time, you know I have this whole weird foot phobia thing. I hate feet. My feet, your feet, his feet, her feet, fuzzy fur feet. They're disgusting. I'd just as soon kiss a toilet seat as someone's feet.

But, as is sometimes the case, opposites attract. The Thing has a total foot fetish. Though, he swears, not all feet. Just my feet; 'because they're so pretty'.

Fucking whack-job.
But it does make for interesting events in my household. Like this recent one; I found after he left for work and I went downstairs to make the bed:

She aint messin wit no broke niggaz‏ Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (ƒåυνέ) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:35:00 +0000

First off, since no one commented on it, I'll bring it up myself - What do you think of my updated header? I finally figured out how to include the fork, via Photoshop. I love me some Photoshop.

And The Love Boat theme song finally left, in case you're interested. It was replaced by this song, which is infinitely better by comparison.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled post:

Oh hell yes, YRLFSATP called The Thing. She went there.
And if any of you are thinking that YRLFSATP is now or has ever slept on my couch, you must cease reading this blog now, leave and never return because you are obviously a stupid douchebag who doesn't know me at all. However, The Thing, being the sensitive and overly kind man that he is, came to me asking if there was anything we would be willing to do to help her.

This is where I got torn. Because, seriously, what do you do?

On one hand, every good, moral fiber of my being is screaming 'there is a woman and toddler who are probably going to sleep in their car tonight when it's 30 degrees outside and you have a large house and an air mattress.'
The other hand then smacked me across the face and said 'if you enable that selfish gold-digger by again coming to her rescue and not making her be responsible and dealing with the consequences of her own actions, I will never let you masturbate with me again.'

The other hand won by a landslide.
However, being the good sweet people we (okay, I totally couldn't keep a straight face on that), The Thing is, we came to a compromise.
YRLFSATP has to find a job and a place to live on her own. She cannot, under any circumstance, stay here. But we did agree to help in two other ways. First, we became her storage unit. Any of her personal belongings that won't fit in the car with her now reside in our garage. And second, we took in her two cats temporarily until she finds new housing.

Last I heard, she was sleeping on Baby's Daddy's parents' couch, and quite miserable doing it. I know this because a week after all this went down, she stopped by our house again to see about money and/or a place to stay. Unfortunetly for YRLFSATP, The Thing wasn't home and she had to deal with me. I only help those who help themselves. I figure, if that's a good enough rule for God to follow, it's good enough for me.