....

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 08:41:00 +0000

"Don't Waste Your Life"

This is the phrase of late and you can be assured no matter how much time you have when those last moments come passing it will likely not have been enough.

So I tell you make the most of every moment, as I stare into the mirror and that personal reflection delves deeply into my soul wondering have I really kept my own advice ?

Who knows huh...

Well anyway HAPPY MONDAY at 4:42am, almost done with work and gonna go hit the showers and then off to sleep, well off to bible reading then sleep. :)

Guess What I Am Holding ?

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Sat, 31 May 2008 07:40:00 +0000

Tonight I went "out" not that this is anything new though, I went to a bar. I have put decades between me and bars, though tonight I went with my X of all people. She calls me X for my name and because I was her first X. Oddly enough this is a woman who gave me the "list to marrage". To be a marrage minded man I need to do all the things on the list.

About a year and a half ago I had all of them down. I have a nice place, a nice ride, two unlimited cells, a great job and extra cash to spare. So I recall calling her up to tell her and she is like "Damn It X" I am dating. (rofl) Since then Jo-EL has become one of my closer friends, and since we are not online together I rarely see her till now. So it was a blessing she called.

She called to get me to go with her to her local poker games. They have clubs, like bowling where everyone comes and plays poker. So I went tonight as the NOOBIE, first timer. They showed me how to play and I played. In the end for about 5 hours.

Of the 100 or so people playing in the end I was in 5th and got a chance at the closing table. I took 3rd on three tables and 5th on another and then late in the evening I slow played the table and took first, well for time reason I chose to split first with another player, though he had 400 in his stack and I had about 18 thousand, so he bowed out to me. Man I felt really alive and it was not because of the net.

So I ended up going out 5th all together out of about 100 people and won a seat at their tournament. So I am stoked..

I was there and I had a garlic stick and a carrot of all things, and drank water. I was not about to do the "bar food" route or drink again.

I really had a lot of fun. Jo-EL is talking about doing this weekly and then showing me Karoake.

While things at home are rather stressful with computer sites and not making enough money, it is nice that I can have a break for the moment.

I really saw tonight that there is a life beyond the screen and even though it was in a bar, it was still good. A lot of nice people and great persona's to thrive off of and learn from.

Thanks for reading...

Getting Past Day One...

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Tue, 27 May 2008 22:32:00 +0000

When you are overweight, you tend to want to procrastinate. You may go so many days on your eating plan and then slip up. More than often that slip up becomes days, and then it may become weeks and before you know it. You are looking at life from "Day 1" again with yet another eating plan, and another set of new hopes and dreams, thus putting yourself at yet another set of Crossroads.

I have lived this insanity for decades now, because of it my life has never seemed to move forward in life and faith and with women. I open my eyes to the image of the 32 year old man staring back at me through the mirrors edge. He has this look of longing and loss, time has clear ridden on his soul and while still searching, some things have been found and implemented. So at least there is a foundation and I am no longer on Day 1.

I am no longer "newly saved", as it is not that I do not have the tools to overcome or even the drive, it is just that the "choice" remains. The choice to step forward consecutivly every single day. If not every single moment in every single day one step at a time, to overcome.

I am DONE being DONE, this implies I am through being stagnent and awaiting my next fall. I know now how badly I want my sobriety from this life. I want it so badly I can taste it and the taste is far more savory than anything that has ever been in my mouth before.

I am past Day 1, my crossroads are over and the path is layed down, all that is left is to step forward, one moment at a time.

Day 50...

- Xavier

A Crossroads No More

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 09:35:00 +0000

For as long as I can remember I have been saying I am at a "Crossroads" with life. I imagine that has been with my walk with Christ more than anything; though my walk with my obesity has run a close second. Everything that I do focuses on those two things and not to sinfully say I focus more on the obesity aspect, though at times I imagine I am guilty of that.

Think about that sinning against God in hate. Most of us sin in the flesh or in the tempted will but seriously I am sinning in hate, the all consuming hate that comes from how I think about myself on a daily basis. How I cut myself down before others can cut me. How I am always so quick to think the worst of myself. I hate me, and I hate what my personality has become encompassed with this hate itself. At times I am note sure what I dislike more the fat or that amount of loathing that reeks off of my persona because of my lacking spirit. I can feel the real person that I am stuck way down deep inside. (tearing up) I have no idea how to change these feelings of loathing. In the past I would turn to food as a friend and that friendship has blossomed into me being one of the biggest men in the state at almost 600 pounds.

I so feel like an ordinary man fighting this overwhelming foe. In the past with the food I could just escape myself and sit on the fence and wait out the problem. Now since I know better I realize even though I have no clue. I have to do something the days are growing shorter and my fear is NOT GOING TO BE THE END OF ME.

I may not have this life down, and I certainly do not have a handle on God's will for me, not that what I have a handle on even matters on the grand scale though all I know is what I know (disgruntal 12yr old look) I AM NO LONGER GONE BE SITTING ON THAT FENCE. I have chosen a path and now I have to walk it, a crossroads NO MORE.

Empty For A Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 19:35:00 +0000

I was just coming home from the doctors and we stopped for some fish at a local restaurant. The whole afternoon was going good. Then as we were coming up the drive, which is dirt and soft sand we ( my friend Suzi and I ) were both talking and did not see the big rock (BIG TURTLE) until we were on top of it and the whole car went up in the air. We broke him in half and oddly enough I am on the verge of tears. I have gone hunting before and even helped animals back from death though this guy is the size of a cocker spaniel and his house has been obliterated. Ever just feel helpless ?

- Xavier

It's A Web World

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Sun, 17 Jun 2007 15:00:00 +0000

Results 1 - 10 of about 955 for sodredge. (0.21 seconds)

I have finally reached "web whore" status

The Truth Behind The Day

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 15:49:00 +0000

I woke up this morning and recieved my morning phone call from Red at Body Jones. He was already to give me my morning workout program. Today will be a day for walking it would seem. I talked to Red for a few moments then abruptly as always he had to go, taking over for Casio seems to be filling all of Red's day.

I got off my futon and wrapped it up and then went to the bathroom to make myself presentable. What seemed like moments later I appeared all spiffy and ready for the day. I got a call from my main man Rhino. He seemed quite in shock that I was indeed awake and already coherent. He offered to take me to my blood test today which takes a great weight of my shoulders. Of course he had to add the part about no procrastination and how I had better have bells on in my wait for his appearance. (grimmace)

So at the moment I am sitting here fixing one of my web sites and awaiting the arrival of the Rhino. I am drinking breakfast as usual in the form of this lovely green shake. I had thought about making some chicken though I am feeling rather at east so a shake works today.

I have been taking the shakes along with working out and walking and have been feeling a lot better because of it. Oddly enough I am still the largest person I know though watching those around me at fast food places only leaves me smirking as if I know something they do not.

I just got done watching a commercial for CiCi's Pizza, where in the commercial it states "let your kids have 14 flavors of soda if they so choose" I mean my God think about that one can of coke will do a number on you and we wonder as a people why our children are so spastic. Large quantities of cheap food and beverage and boom. I am a product of that so I can speak from fact on this.

Hmm...

Got to go I want to get in the word a bit, I got this audio bible thing that really helps. For some odd reason hearing it from another person I remember it better. Well hope your day is well, who or whenever anyone reads this.

- X

Incorporating Time

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Sun, 22 Apr 2007 11:45:00 +0000

Happy post sabbath everyone. Looking at the date on here it has been a while since I last posted my thoughts right around the time they put me on that worlds tallest list. In that time a lot has happened in my life.

I came clean about the way I was coveting my medicine. (dwelling on medical needs over God) I was in tears when I came out and talked about it. There was a weight lifted, which is of course was a good thing.

I tucked my procrastinating tail between my big legs and started my business Giant Fixes. I figure I have been fixing computers and making site for a long time might as well get paid for it now.

I have even have started taking to going to the gym with Red. I was going alone though I hooked my man Red up with Casio and as it turns out Casio outright hired Red to be this maddening personal trainer. Of course one would think I was grandfathered in at some point. This seems to encourage and drive Red crazy all at the same time.

I took some photo of a post workout jaunt also here is a shot and also here is one of me trying to look butch.

All in all things are looking up as always Praise God.

Off With The Training Wheels

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 01:55:00 +0000

I feel like a 12yr old at camp for the first night. I am sure if anyone reads this that knows me they will be laughing their arses off at this little bit of self refection, so be it. I am 30 years old and this is the first night I have ever slept alone in my "own" place. Granted I have a roomate though not a family member and this is not some school I have retreated to. This entire day has been so God. I got to reflect this morning for a few moments over a cup of coffie and the want ads. Then stole a few more moments to thank him for all of this, the day the situations the what not.

Now here I sit with a purpose, I need to get a job. I need to become what I have always feared and that is a "fruitful" member of society, and oddly enough there is no fear here. As my roomate left he gave me this look, as if he was leaving a puppy. Everyone tells me there is a lion within, now all I have to do is unleash it.

I have a tv infront of me and a ps2 and some games, though none of that seems to matter. I am going to get online and drop some apps and possibly tomorrow while I wait patiently next to the cell phone, get on the bus go across town and wade in the ocean for no apparent reason other than I want too. Gosh this is so cool. Life in this moment and every other is truly what you make it.

I am so Charlie and the world is made of chocolate.

- X

Moments Into A New Year

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Thu, 04 Jan 2007 04:45:00 +0000

You will always here someone of faith tell you that God's time may not be our time especially if they are referring to something you are wanting, or wanting to happen in your life. Oddly enough that is affecting me at the moment. A few weeks ago the van (my ride) broke down and that put me in the cross hair's of my boss at work. My landlord informed me that keeping my job was priority to staying in the apartment, then poof the next morning my job was gone.

Now I took this as God not wanting me to be at that kind of job, though as of today that may not be the case. I was thinking about this on the ride home. I spent most of the day at the job center looking for work or a grant , for that matter any funding to survive or find schooling with. I was just about to walk out when I saw a guard I knew and talked to her. She led me to the back where another guard had just walked in to look for officers for a new post. That man (the owner) took one look at me and it was like me getting trapped in a Best Buy overnight, he was almost drooling. I thought to myself this is so "God". Indeed I am sure it was God though one has to wonder what kind of plan this is. Obviously all in Gods time and obviously not in this mans'. The owner offered me work this very night. Infact he offered more hours than I have ever had before. The pay is about the same as my last job and I am familiar with the area. About the only hurdle now is stable transportation.

Again the wise person "adds" ~If it be in God's plan you shall have it~ My thought then as a simpleton would be to come back with "What's not in God's plan ?" then the crowd is silent, though not in awe of my wisdom, more an of uncertainty for who can answer anything after that.

We all want to take the positive in our lives and call it God's plan though when the negative hits us hard core so many of us look up at the heavens and go "Why me God". Now I thought about that , then I looked at all of my decisions during this walk. God has offered me many a life line throughout this journey and I have tossed them aside with the whole "that could not happen to me atitude". I am now looking at being without a home or a vehicle and unsure of medicine and what to do, though oddly enough there is no blaming anyone but myself. Not a pity party at all, not even a cry for help. I mean this is more of an absolution. This point in my life if it be that is making me more of who I want to become. I am finding an inner strength I did not realize was there.

For example and I am sure everyone in the world will laugh at this though I went to the city today and ended up taking the bus from one side to the other. I have never done that before, I have driven there walked around though never put my faith in public transportation and just stepped forth. Granted this is something small though it makes you think. All these small steps can lead a person to bigger ones. All this in and through time and in the end ultimately it makes you think that God's time may indeed be your time afterall ?

Totally God

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 20:02:00 +0000

I have a few mentors when it comes to my walk. These men help me when I am at a loss for the correct action in a given situation. The great thing is they each go about their actions in a different manner. Casio who is "Mr. Driven" is always calculating and multitasking and on the go and ready to back up everything he says with the "word". Fizz (web handle) is an older cat that I have known for almost a decade. He has "lived" a life of service to God and can always offer hands on knowledge in certain situation. Then there is Red, a man years younger than I though on fire for the lord. He is as motivational as Casio and even more so at 6am with his statements of "Xavier get up it's time for your run". God has blessed me over and over with these men in my life. He has even given me a backbone of support through my fam. My Ladybug (web handle) and Dj Krazie (web handle). They have given me encouragement and countlessly time and time again helped me when I was down. They above any other believe that I have it in me to accomplish what God has set out for me. I am intrigued at how all these people see so much in me though I appear to have blinders on at times to my own refection.

A Gathering Of Words

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 03:10:00 +0000

I spent more of the day on my feet today than I have in a long time. I went job hunting, as if hunting did today justice. The word somehow is lacking in the fact that after the 3rd of 4th walk-in you are ready to throw yourself at a bull for a low paying job just to say you have something. I also took the time to talk to an employment counselor and learn the area on the local bus system. Considering how much of a talker I am I can so see losing myself in some section of town after missing my stop, one must remember to stay focused.

I went and applied at the V.A. I have applied before though not in time to make the job opening. This time I walked in with grace and humility, I belive the lady in HR who spoke with me could see it coming off of me as if an entity. She pulled me aside and offered to do the paperwork personally for me. The job itself would be a low level position, some form of maintenance though it comes with government benefits and for me that is like hitting the lotto.

I made sure to apply for everything I was applicable to do. She read over what I had and set an appointment for me to come back next week. I was floored and chipper as I jaunted out. Now being a hospital and a government one at that I realize this will take time. Though they did not have to be so nice and it amazes me at times how if you treat someone the way you yourself would wish to be treated they can surprise you in return.

(in the past I have been the praying guy for stuff, though how often the guy who just gives thanks to God "just because". I admit it felt funny at first like I was trying to suck up. Then I just went with it. Stuff like "thank you lord you are worthy, god you are mighty, your glory forever lord". After awhile it almost becomes addictive)

I hit a few other places and created some resumes online for local data bases, just trying to get myself out there. I thought about writing a personal site to go with it.

You got to wonder if "Thirty something IT couch surfer/ platform game modder with a background in Security and music production" would be a big sell ?

Even in my humor I guess my fear is evident, though even in my fear I feel the evidence of God around me. So I think my nightly rant ends at this moment and my prayer starts. - X

Seconds Of Rant

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Fri, 29 Dec 2006 02:50:00 +0000

No matter what they say,
no matter what they do

no matter what they say,
no matter what they do

I hail Jehovah...

no matter the rocks
no matter the fear

no matter the flesh
no matter the sin

I now belive,
I now recieve

I hail jehovah

The Smallest Pleasures Heal

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 06:13:00 +0000

I was sitting here listening to my stomach rumble. I am creating a profile on the web for a friends shirt company. I thought wow something sweet would be nice now. Ofcourse at 1:14am where am I going to find something sweet. I flpped over one of my books and there was a package of cookies. Nothing to big or fancy though it did the trick, just makes me think some can say I had just left it there unwittingly though I can say "Thanks God", I needed that. - X

The Reality Of The Moment

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Thu, 28 Dec 2006 05:41:00 +0000

There are certain things that are not discussed in life, finances and personal life and possibly sex and who you voted for last. At the moment a few of those are ailing me and since there is no one in my life to spill this too I am going to do it on here with hopes that someone might read this and have advice.

I lost my ride a week or two ago and then lost my job the day before Christmas. On top of that my employer belives that I stole from him and no matter what I say he does not want to seem to believe anything other than that. My situation on the home front was bleak before this, I was figuring having to move out in the next few weeks, and that was with the job. I have no real place to go and no real vehicle to get me to a potential job. At 30 I feel utterly alone at this moment.

"Poof" then it hits that little voice in the back of my mind with the poise of a freight train barreling off a cliff whistles blowing "WHAT ABOUT ME" Now I know who is saying that though I want to sit here an wallow in my pitty a little longer, then here is the voice again, "what about me" the voice says over and over. Multiple personalities one would inquire, alas "no". Just trying in my own flesh to shut God out. Obviously that is not going to work, even while I am writing this my mind is racing about, trying to think of ways to save myself. In the end I understand the envitible God's will, will prevail and I must let go and let God as everyone says.

"THOUGH WHAT DO YOU DO TILL THEN, OR WHEN THEN ARRIVES???" When talking to God and being a new Christian who is not familiar with talking to God, not knowing when or how to listen effectivly and also knowing that everything is riding on this conversation that you do not even understand how you are an effective part of, you feel totally helpless, as I do now.

I am sitting here tearing up, not fearful so much as I am sad just not knowing what to do. The sun will come up in the morning and if I breathe in the air a new I will have to make "it" work.
People have told me this is a "good" thing, a "learning" expirience, something to make you "stronger". You know those people should stay away from writing inspirational books. (giggling)

I want to walk in my faith and it amazes me after saying that how when I am in the pinch I am still so scared of the unknown. I know he is with me, even though I can not understand it at times I realize God is there.

I use to be scared about dying though at the moment living is fearful, I guess I just wish I wasn't feeling so alone. My sister always tells me that I have God and I realize that but does it make me less of a person to still feel alone ?

I feel confused I guess.

Unknown Path

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 18:03:00 +0000

Over the holiday I was blessed in many ways and though some of the blessings are not as easily seen by the naked eye I am sure they are still there none the less. I am told life works in Gods' time not my own. I have pretty much no car or job at the moment and the clock is ticking on my housing situation.

You will find it is easy to say I "believe in God" though what is it that you believe ? You will ask yourself this when you find that all the monetary items are gone and all you have left to stand on is your faith and your drive. Oddly enough the biggest hurdle I have to overcome is letting go. My brain is still trying to calculate and solve and just letting go of that and letting God take over,well that is hard.

He has already put a slew of good christians in my path. He has given me shelter when I needed it and food when I was hungry, he has even seen to medicine when I was sick. How little faith it takes on my part for such a great reward, and this is only in life.

Can you imagine in heaven ? If anyone reads this and has an extra moment could you pray for me, basically for his will and for me to overcome stubborn pride and thick headed-ness. I would be appreciative.

- X

Memory

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:37:00 +0000

I have been trying to recap all my net jaunts through out the year for the past few hours. I have been doing various searches on multiple engines to find "myself". I have come across about 20 or so websites that I made and do not even have the faintest idea what the passwords are any more. Even if I did they all have certain log in combinations, so that is what I get for being a security freak. At the moment the count is about 100 sites and 20 I can not get into. Want to have some fun google this term "sodredge" that is me basically. You will get some good and some bad, though I was not always a Godly giant. The thing to look at is the amount of hits you get and the amount of time it took to do the search. - X

What Does A Christian Look Like

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:29:00 +0000

I was on this one guys myspace site because he was claiming to be godly. I looked at his site and was thinking maybe someone was joking. I mean I am no one to judge being that my form of worship consists either of some hard rapping or some action in the pitt. This man however just came off completely weird however. I had to fight not to laugh at times at how odd he seemed. I went to google and searched his name to see if anything would come up and I found this interesting letter written from a church Pastor who not only has seen this man but had him at his church. The weird man is named Paisely by the way. Reading this really made me step back. I mean really what does a "christian" look like ?

What I want us all to think about is how do we judge? Do we have it set in our minds what a Christian must look like? Do we have it set in our minds how a Christian must act?

When I think back to how Jesus was received I see a lot of people who were judging him because he didnt look and act like what they were expecting. The way in which Jesus acted, lived his life and conducted his ministry didnt fit into the mold and system that had been established for centuries. The result of this judging was that many people did not accept Jesus, he found himself outcast and eventually put to death on a cross.

Do we allow for God to come into our lives in ways in which we least expect it or have we made a checklist that must be met before we can even consider the messenger? Too often I think we have the checklist and occasionally we need someone like Paisley to come into our lives to reveal to us that God comes in all shapes and sizes and most importantly in ways that we least expect it. May we all broaden our view and look to see God where we least expect Him.

From "July Newsletter"
Chris Hermansen, Pastor
Lord of Grace Lutheran Church
Tucson, Arizona

A Unique Bit Of Spam

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 01:08:00 +0000

I get a lot of forwards from different people and companies and most of them get deleted right as they hit my account. Although on a rare occasion I find one worthy of telling others about. I am sick of the pointless threats that often come with forwards. Those messages warning death or some other harsh ailment that will come upon you unless you forward whatever message to as many unsuspecting people as you know. I was happy to see this one did not go that route. On that note here is a forward worth reading. Again "Merry Christmas" all.

Best Prayer I Have Heard In A Long Time...

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares .

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together .

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

If you send this to 5 people, then you have a chance to touch 5 people.

Working for God on earth doesn't pay much...... but His retirement plan is out of this world

Merry Christmas All

noreply@blogger.com (Servant X) — Mon, 25 Dec 2006 15:38:00 +0000

I made this account last night while I was working on a website for my new fam at 316muzik. I have been in prayer over the need to find some of my original fam on the web and finally put the web to some good use. God has certainly answered my call with 316 and with 1hope4all ministries. He is giving me a chance to take all these skills and push them forward and do something pleasing for his will with them.

I just want to take a moment and offer anyone who graces this page with their eyes a very Merry Christmas be it today or in the middle of July or 10 years from now. I wish you and your fam the best, be it in your day as well as in your walk. I realize our paths may not travel the same road though, none the less I offer my warmest greetings and hope that you find the fullfillment you are looking for like I have found through Jesus Christ.

- X