something from me

Tomorrow?

2007-09-06T12:50:00.000+01:00

February 2003

A couple of days later, I was in Newcastle airport, returning to London. Since it was nearly 4pm UK time, I called Maggie before getting onto the flight.

We talked for a while, and then I warned Maggie that I had less time than usual, as my flight was at 4.45pm. She said, ‘honey, I spoke to my father today’

I was surprised. I didn’t immediately connect this to the conversation we’d had earlier in the week. ‘You did?’ I asked.
‘He said he wanted to speak to me because my mother told him that I am getting married’
‘Shit babe, I thought you promised me to wait’
‘Honey, I know but mother wanted to tell him now. We tried yesterday, but could get connection’

‘So what did he say?’
‘Quite surprising. I never expect this. He asked me to resign my job, so I can spend more time with my mother, before I go to UK. He ask about you, and said that I must be old enough to make decision about my future life’

‘Babe, I can’t agree to that. You mustn’t give up you job’
‘But if you say that, means you are not serious to me, means you don’t really want to get married’
‘No. It is just such a big step. We need time to think it through’
‘What is there to think? Honey, I have to quit the job if I come to UK. So what is the difference’
I hadn’t really thought about that. I never really thought about her coming to UK. What could I say? Her argument was logical.
‘Look it is just a shock that’s all, let me think about it for a while, get used to it. When are you thinking of resigning?’
‘Tomorrow’
‘Tomorrow? Babe just wait a couple of days’

My father

2007-09-04T13:39:00.000+01:00

February 2003

The following night, we’d barely said hello, when Maggie said, ‘you know what honey, tonight I have the dinner with my sister and mother, as I told them we will get married at Easter, and I will move to UK to be with you’
‘Babe, I thought we agreed to wait before telling them’
‘Ha ha, honey I know we did but, but I cannot wait. You know I am such a rush person, I never can wait’
Her laugh was so infectious that anger was impossible. ‘What did they say?’
‘Well my sister question me. She say I do not know you long. How do I know you will treat me well? Are you really serious to me, or are you playing the games. That kind of thing’
‘I thought those bloody questions had gone away’
‘Honey, don’t be angry. You know she care of me only. She always treat me like another daughter. But you know what honey, my mother defended you. She say you are the good guy, very sincere and very loving to me. When my mother say that, then my sister agree. So I am very happy’
‘But you should have waited’
Honey, don’t say that, or I will be unhappy’
‘Ok babe’
‘He he he he he’

‘Right, don’t do anything else. Lets talk it through properly next week, when we are face to face’
I felt in danger of losing control of all this. I had this picture in my mind of Maggie’s family arriving in London. Then what? Would they be able to find me? I knew Maggie had my office address. But what could they do? They could cause me a lot of discomfort, I knew that.

‘Honey, my mother say that they have to speak to my father’
‘Why?’
‘Well he has to give his approval’
‘Does he? Why? Babe, please wait until we have spoken next week’

Hong Kong again

2007-06-20T12:55:00.000+01:00

February 2003

‘Of course we cannot share with someone else. We will need some privacy. Tom’s room is right next to mine. I can hear him snore. I think you know what I am talking about’
‘Naughty honey. But you are right, I agree. But you will have to take responsibility for that. How long will it take?
‘I don’t know. I know the property market is booming’

That evening I started to formulate a plan to return to Hong Kong, and the following day wrote to Henry that I wanted to meet up to catch up with outstanding actions, and start the process of moving more work to Shanghai.

Fortunately, he gave his support, and suggested that I make my visit to Hong Kong coincide with Nicky’s trip from Shanghai.

Armed with this, I sought the usual approval, suggesting that I would need one week.

A phone call from my boss soon followed, he questioned the need for the trip, and said that I had been absent a lot recently. In the end we compromised on a four day trip which included a part working weekend. But at least I was going to Hong Kong again at the end of the month.

The message was clear though; my trips would get closer scrutiny in the future. Maybe this really was my last trip.

Maggie was very happy when I gave her the news. ‘It’s only 4 nights though babe’
‘Still I am happy. Now I will see you soon’
‘Then we can talk properly about our plans’ I suggested.
‘Ok honey, I can’t wait. Where will you stay? Let me check for you. Find somewhere more convenient than the City Garden’
‘But my company get a corporate rate there’‘How much they pay? I might be able to get a promotion offer at another hotel. Save money. I will let you know tomorrow’

I know how to handle

2007-06-19T17:29:00.000+01:00

February 2003

‘I am confused’
‘Don’t worry honey, I will ask my mother. I know how to handle. Trust me’
‘I do. Will she be upset?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe.’
‘Well don’t upset her’
‘Honey, don’t worry, let me deal with it’

The following morning I had a note saying ‘Honey, Tonight I will have the dinner with Mother and Sister, I will tell them that I have to move to UK’

I tried to call her, but she was not at her desk, so I left a voicemail. Then I had to go to a meeting, and so I missed her call in return.

It was quite late when I called. She told me ‘Mother said I cannot live with you. She said we have to register first. Sister agree with her. She scold me, saying I should not ask’
‘Is that the same sister who lives with her boyfriend?’
‘No, she doesn’t. He has his own house’
‘But still he stays at hers’
‘And he will marry her soon’
‘When?’
‘Don’t know, maybe at Easter’

‘And surely, at your age, you can make your own decisions’
‘But then they will be unhappy, and my father and brother will scold me’
‘Your father? You don’t even speak to him’
‘Sometimes I do, just don’t have too much to say. But I cannot leave my mother without his permission’

‘So honey, we just have to stick to the original plan’
‘Which is?’
‘We will marry at Easter in Las Vegas, and then I will come to UK. Can you be ready for that?’
‘Well I will need to find somewhere else to live’
‘Do we?’
‘Of course, I share the apartment with Tom, and my house will be let by then. I don’t think we can share with someone else’
‘Not convenient, is it honey?’

What clothes should I bring?

2007-06-18T14:39:00.000+01:00

February 2003

A couple of days later, Maggie asked; ‘Any more news about the Hong Kong transfer’ So I told her, ‘The contract has been delayed, just not too sure when it will be awarded.
‘Do your Hong Kong company have any other work?’
‘No. There doesn’t seem to be much work in Hong Kong’
‘I know the economy is not good’
‘I’m sorry babe, I don’t know what else I can tell you’

‘Honey, do you think I could come to UK?’
‘Well that’s what we planned remember, you come over at Easter’
‘Honey, I’m thinking I could come to UK to live with you, until you get the transfer, you know I don’t want to wait’
‘But what about your job?’
‘I will quit the job. I know is a good job, but you are my future, so job is not my first priority’
‘Are you sure you want to do that?’
‘I think so. What else can we do? My job is not such a good job as you’
‘Have you said anything to your mother?’
‘No. I tell you first. But honey, you have to tell me, any reason why you don’t want me to come to UK’
What could I say? ‘No, of course not. What did you have in mind?’
‘Nothing’

‘When are you thinking you will come over?
‘After Easter’
‘So you won’t come over for Easter?’
‘Still can come, see how I like it. What clothes should I bring?’
‘Something warm, but don’t worry about that now’

‘And are you saying that you will come here to live before we get married?’
‘That’s what I think’
‘But you said before that we couldn’t just live together. You said your family would not accept it’
‘You know for me, married or not married doesn’t matter, but for them, they will say ‘why he don’t register with her? Maybe he is just playing the games with her’. They will be worried’
‘What even though they have known me this long?’
‘Honey is still only a couple months’

Delayed

2007-06-15T13:15:00.000+01:00

February 2003

‘Babe, we can talk about it later ok. Please don’t talk to anyone else before then’
‘Ok honey, call me anytime’

This gave me a few hours to think. I was rather enjoying all the talk of marriage, but I didn’t want her talking to her mother or, even worse, her sister. I didn’t want to create that expectation.

I called her minutes before our agreed 11pm curfew. ‘Babe, I don’t think you should talk to your mother yet. Not until we are have definite plans’
‘I think I need to tell them something’
‘Yes, but just wait until I can find out a bit more information. I might need a visa to go to US, I don’t really know, and do we need to book anything? I am not sure. So better find out first’
Reluctantly ‘Ok honey’
‘And as I said, I am not happy to marry until I am certain of my transfer to Hong Kong’
‘Any news, honey?’
‘Well, I checked, and it seems as if the contract has been delayed, its not a certainty yet, but that’s the way it is looking. And without that contract the business in Hong Kong is really struggling. They don’t have much work. Certainly not enough to cover my expat salary’
‘So what shall we do?’
‘Well let me double check first babe’

Then I asked, ‘weren’t you planning to come to the UK for Easter anyway?
‘But you know honey, I think UK can wait’
‘I was just thinking it would be better if you met my mother before we got married’
‘But honey, I don’t think you are that close with your mother’
‘Oh, why not?’
‘Because, the western families are not so close, not like us, as soon as the children growed up they leave home. Look at me honey, still living with my mother, I don’t think you will do that’

Now it is different

2007-06-13T12:18:00.000+01:00

February 2003

‘Babe, I am saying for example only. Hopefully it will be much less than that, but you see what I mean? How can we go and get married and then be forced to part?’
‘You still don’t know when you can come over, right?’
‘No. The business here is very busy, but in Hong Kong, the business is quiet. They expect to win a big contract, if that happens, they may need me quite quickly, otherwise it could take some time’
‘I never know this when I met you. Then I think you are living in Hong Kong already. Now it is different. I love you already. Well honey, you never know, maybe your company will get the project soon, and then we can go to Las Vegas’

Then I asked her if she’d heard about the illness in Guangdong.
‘No honey, we haven’t heard of that, but is not surprising, the people of Guangdong are so dirty. Never know how they can live like that’
‘I doubt they get much choice. Anyway, I am not sure this illness is caused by being dirty’
‘What is the causes of that then?’
‘I don’t know. I just mentioned it, so that you can be a bit more vigilant. If you get another cold, or flu, you should go straight to the doctor’
‘Ok honey, but I am ok now’

After that, the story went away, and we didn’t talk about it again.

The next I had the following note:

‘I will talk to mother and sister, and tell them that we will get married at Easter’

I wrote a quick reply; ‘Babe, please do not talk to them, until we have had chance to speak’

But then I decided to call her, even though I knew she would still be at work, in case she hadn’t received the email.

Strange form of pneumonia

2007-06-11T12:22:00.000+01:00

February 2003

‘Would you be happy with that?’
‘Well, nothing is perfect honey, and we don’t have to wait and is much cheaper I think. You know I don’t need expensive wedding’
‘I know, but I don’t want you to feel disappointed afterwards’
‘Honey, I understand, but don’t worry, once we register I will be happy enough…… So what do you think?’
I thought it was an awful suggestion; ‘Well if you are sure’

That evening, working late, I was idly reading the news on Yahoo. A report caught my eye. There were sporadic reports from the Guangdong province of southern China that hundreds of people were falling ill with what was described as ‘a strange form of pneumonia’.

I copied the report and sent it to Maggie, asking her to watch out for any flu like symptoms. It was less than a fortnight ago, that we had been traveling in Guangdong.

I was a bit surprised the following morning that she had ignores the note. Instead she sent me details of websites and information about weddings in Las Vegas.

That evening she asked me ‘Can you get the leave, at Easter? That is a holiday for you guys, isn’t it?’
‘As far as I know’ I said and then I asked her what she was planning, saying that I still didn’t have a date for my transfer to Hong Kong.
‘I think at least we can register, that is most important’

‘Are you saying that we go to Las Vegas at Easter, get married, and then continue to live apart, until I am able to come to Hong Kong?’
‘Not good huh honey?’
‘It would be horrible, what if I can’t move for another 6 months? Then what?’
‘Honey, I never think it will be that long. You never tell me that.

Viva Las Vegas

2007-06-08T12:48:00.000+01:00

February 2003

‘Somewhere else? What do you mean somewhere else? You don’t mean the UK? What about your family and friends?’
‘Honey, friends are not important. Do you know how much it the wedding dinner will cost? Of course they will come to eat the dinner, you don’t know Hong Kong people, they will just bring the little gift. So I think better not, better save the money’
‘But do you really want to upset them?’
‘Oh, doesn’t matter. As I said family is much important, not friends. Friends are ok to talk or sometimes the dinner, that’s all. You know if I want to buy the new dress, I never go with friends, they are not honest, they may tell you to buy the dress even though it is not nice looking, because they are jealous, something like that. I always go with mother or sister, only they can be trusted’
‘Do you ever see any of your friends?’
‘Sometimes might meet up for lunch, but in the evening I just rather be at home. You know after the work, will be tired, so just lie in the bed watching tv. Honey, you know I don’t go out much, I am always here waiting for your call.
‘You should try to see them sometimes babe, otherwise you will lose touch’

‘So honey, what do you think?’
‘About what?’
‘We could go for travelling and get married’
‘I don’t know, what about your mother?’
‘She will not mind. She will just be happy that we registered’
‘By registered, you mean marry?’
‘Yes’

‘Honey, We just need to think about you and me. Not the others. We will be together for the rest of life. I will not live with my mother, I will live with you. I think we have to be selfish’
‘So what do you have in mind?’
‘Honey, you know what?
‘What?’
‘We could get married in Las Vegas’

Somewhere else

2007-06-07T12:32:00.000+01:00

February 2003

Again, the following evening, we started to talk about weddings, Maggie had a new idea.

‘Honey, do you think we need to marry in Hong Kong? You know will be expensive, and we will have to wait’
‘I thought we chose Hong Kong, because it is quicker than marrying in the UK’
‘How long will it take in UK?
‘Remember, I told you, when I made some enquiries, I was told it was a 6 to 12 month waiting list.
‘I can’t believe. As we always say in Hong Kong, the western women don’t like to marry. We always think the westerner just live together only. So how will there be a wait list?’
‘Sorry babe, but you are wrong, western women do like to marry, it gives them more security. Marriage is still very popular here’
‘Ah, the westerner women just want to have the baby, then they can get the man’s money. I hate that sort of woman’
‘I don’t believe any women play tricks like that’
‘Honey, I can tell you they do. A friend of my sister, living in US, had a baby, then divorced the man. When she get his money, she go to live with another man. Honey, you have to be careful, otherwise the woman might do that to you, get pregnant on purpose, just to get your money. But you know, I will never do that, I am not that type of woman. You know I am not the money minded woman’

I assured her that I did know that, and tried to change the subject, but not before telling her once again that she was wrong about ‘western women’. ‘See’ she replied, ‘from out point of view, westerner women are not family oriented, they only care about money’ Then…..

‘Honey, you know we could get married somewhere else’

Never can be divorcing

2007-06-06T13:36:00.001+01:00

February 2003

‘It’s ok to ask’ I said, ‘but don’t book anything before you have spoken to me’ I wanted to slow things down a bit.
‘Nothing wrong, honey?’
‘No. I just need to check that I can get the time off work. I don’t want any problems’

The following evening; ‘Honey, Peninsular hotel will be expensive. But I was thinking, you know the price is based on number of people, and I don’t have too many friends, so we could have a small dinner, to save money. Mmmm ……….. but then we will not get so many gifts. Let me think’

‘Babe, you know I still don’t know when I can move to Hong Kong’
‘So nothing is perfect; what do you think?’
‘About what?’
‘When you can be here’
‘I don’t know. There are a lot of problems here, and they are taking priority’
‘So, what shall I tell my mother?’
‘What have you told her already?’
‘Nothing. She just knows that we will marry when you come to Hong Kong. She just always asking when that will be’
‘I will ask someone’ I tell her

‘Is it too much pressure, honey?’
‘No of course not babe, I just wish I could give you more definite news’

She was quiet for a while, and then said ‘I want to go to Caribbean for the honeymoon, is that ok honey?’
‘Of course, I haven’t been before’

‘Honey, I want to ask you; ‘anything on your mind?’’
‘No, I don’t think so’
‘You still want to get married, right?’
‘Of course, I just don’t want to set a date, until I am sure that I can meet it. I don’t want to disappoint you’
‘Is there any reason, why you can’t marry me now? You have to tell me’
‘Like what?’
‘Nothing. You know, when we are married, never can be divorcing. No-one ever divorcing in my family. You have to promise me honey. Can you do that?’

I couldn't, but I did.

What does it mean?

2007-06-05T13:05:00.000+01:00

February 2003

Nothing much was said on the subject again, to my surprise it just seemed to disappear. I’d expected Maggie to raise it again, but she didn’t. It was as if it had never been said.

Our conversation however, over the next few days was fairly happy, with a lot of ‘Honey, I love you’, ‘Honey, you are the superman’, and ‘I can’t live without you’. So I was happy too. And we started to laugh again. ‘You know honey, all the problem is caused because we are aparting’ she said.

Then, one night as we talked about nothing in particular, she suddenly asked ‘what shall we do for the wedding dinner? You know by our tradition, we must have the dinner for friends and family’
‘Actually it is the same in UK. It is called a reception’
‘I have the friend who works in the Peninsular hotel. I can ask her the cost, but must be expensive’
That drew me in. ‘Don’t worry about cost’
‘Honey, I know you are not money minded to me. That is good. Means you care about me. But you know I want to save the money for you. This is my job’

‘So you think you want to marry in Hong Kong now? I asked. ‘Before, when we spoke, you didn’t seem sure’
‘I just don’t want too much delay. Seems UK will take a long time. I will think what to do. You know I want my family to know we are serious. Not just playing the game.’
‘I thought that is why we got engaged, doesn’t that show we are serious?’
‘Engagement? What is that? To the Hong Kong person engagement is nothing. What does it mean? Do I have your name? Only when we register, then I am secure’

Why would these calls upset me?

2007-05-31T17:19:00.000+01:00

February 2003

From outside the shopping mall I called Maggie, feeling a little nervous. I wasn’t very happy with my ‘story’, but I knew that I could not avoid the topic again. At the time that I’d first mentioned the ‘problem’, I thought I would be able to come up with something convincing. Now though, even though I’d had several days to prepare, as I stood here in the wind, pacing up and down, it seemed like I might have made a mistake.

It took less than two minutes; ‘honey, what do you want to tell me about your ex? I didn’t know you would still be speaking with her’

‘I don’t’ I said, ‘but she called me the other day, when I got back from Hong Kong, and then again a couple of days later’
‘What did she want?’
‘She said she really missed me, and asked if there was any chance that we get back together’
‘Did you tell her about me?’
‘Of course, and she started to cry, saying everything was her fault’
‘And then what?’
‘Well then she called again, maybe two days later, saying that she still wanted to get back with me, despite my relationship with you’
‘Did you tell her we will be married?’
‘No, I didn’t. She was already upset enough’
‘Honey, you have to tell her, then she will know there is no hope’

Then after a few moments she added ‘promise me honey’. And I did.

Fortunately she didn’t ask me what I thought was the obvious question. The question I would have really struggled to answer; ‘why did these calls upset you?’

I didn’t have an answer. What could I possibly say to that? This was where I’d really failed to think things through. I’d been unhappy, I’d wanted revenge, to scare her, to make her say ‘honey, I don’t want to lose you’. My favourite words.

And the question remained, perhaps for another day; why would these calls upset me?

'The issue of your ex'

2007-05-30T16:47:00.000+01:00

February 2003

The next days conversation was fairly ordinary, and so left me feeling disappointed. I asked about the flowers, hoping to hear how happy they made her feel and how impressed her colleagues were. But all I got was ‘I took some pictures, I will show you next time we meet’

So, just as we were saying good bye, I reminded her that I still had something on my mind that I wanted to talk to her about. ‘Tell you what’ I said, ‘I have to go now, and it’s late, so I will send you an email tonight, and then we will talk tomorrow’
‘I’m ok to talk now honey’
‘Yes but I have to go’
‘Why? What do you have to do?’
‘I have to do some shopping’ I was sat in the car, in a supermarket car park.

Without further questions, we said good bye. I was left with the feeling that she wasn’t very happy. It was a recurring thought, but so far I had failed to find out if anything was bothering her. I wanted to stir things up, to find out, to frighten her. I wanted to hear my favourite words; ‘Honey, I love you’ and ‘Honey, I don’t want to lose you’.

Then I could tell her that everything was alright.

So late that night I wrote ‘The thing that has been upsetting me is to do with my ex’

This was a gamble, I had no idea how she would react. We had talked about ‘my ex’ before, on a few occasions. I’d given her a long story to explain why we’d broken up. At the end of which she’d asked ‘why were you so patient with her? and ‘why did you stay with her so long?’

The next morning I looked at my email, and read ‘honey, I will work late tonight, although is Sunday, as my boss will travel to Delhi tonight, then we will talk about the issue of your ex’

St Valentine

2007-05-25T12:55:00.000+01:00

February 2003

I awoke early the next morning because I wanted to send an email to Maggie, and the dial up from my room, I knew from past experience, would take an age.

When I finally got connection, I sent her a picture of a single red rose with a short version of the St Valentines story. It was Valentines day. I assumed that St Valentine would mean something to her.

When I arrived in work, I got her reply; ‘so happy to receive your valentines message, and today I opened the card that come to the office for me, you know it said from my secret admirer? Who is that secret admirer? I think he is my handsome sexy superman’

I wrote back; ‘I cannot know who your secret admirer might be. I think you might have many’

Later, I got another email; ‘You know what honey, the beautiful flowers were delivered to me just now. From my secret admirer. We know who that is, don’t we. Thank you honey, you give me so much face’

A while later, the receptionist called me to say that Maggie was on the phone. This was unusual, she rarely called me.

‘Hi honey’ She said,’ I couldn’t wait to talk to you and tell you thank you for the flowers, they are so beautiful. Everyone in the office says so. They all notice that. They can see that you love me. This is my perfect day. And it is all thanks to you’

And when she got home there was another card waiting. I’d given it to her sister before leaving Hong Kong. That one was signed by me.

It was a happy conversation that evening. All the difficulties of the past few days were forgotten.

‘Tomorrow, I will take the camera to work and take pictures of the flowers, then you can see next time we meet’

What she might be thinking.

2007-05-22T12:27:00.001+01:00

February 2003

That night I wrote, ‘I am much happier now that we have sorted things out, and that you will be able to get enough sleep. I really don’t want to be the cause of you being ill. I hope you know that’

The following evening, just as we were saying goodbye, after a fairly ordinary conversation, in which I tried to put a just a small hint of unhappiness into my voice. I said ‘I can’t do it now, but I have something I need to talk to you about. I felt quite upset about it’

‘We can talk now honey, its ok’
‘No, I have a meeting soon, and you will be tired’
‘Not that tired, it is ok’
‘But I do have a meeting’
‘Honey!’
‘Don’t worry babe, we will talk tomorrow’

It was after four, and I had little motivation to do any work, so I left early and drove home.

The next day, I was due to travel north. My flight was at 8.20am. I would stay at the usual hotel, a very grand old country house, in the middle of the Yorkshire countryside. It was always a restful evening.

I called Maggie in the afternoon, deliberately avoiding any mention of the subject I had alluded to the night before. I told Maggie all about the hotel, saying that she must come and stay when she eventually came to the UK.

‘Do you want me to come?’ she asked
‘Of course’ I said ‘another month and the weather will start to improve’
‘Tell me honey, is there any reason why you don’t want me to come to UK?’
‘No. Like what?’
‘Nothing. I just wanted to ask you’
‘Something on your mind?’ I asked.
‘No. But no harm to ask, right?’
‘I suppose’

I spent the evening wondering what she might be thinking.

Tough

2007-05-18T12:10:00.000+01:00

February 2003

I resisted the temptation to call her. But what was I going to do in the afternoon? Whilst in the UK now, my whole days were geared around my phone call to Maggie and I really didn’t want to wait until the following day until I could speak to her.

On the other hand, I wanted to punish her. Punish her because I felt bad. Punish her for not giving me the reassurances I’d sought. But to punish her, I had to punish myself. And I couldn’t even be sure that the punishment would be a punishment to her at all.

I was working in the local office again, an unpopular decision. I had a pile of work to do, but no inclination to do it. Emails kept coming, but remained unanswered.

I have to be strong, I told myself. Tough. I have to be tough. I’ve been very tough in the past. It was time to do it again. I needed to win back the position of dominance I’d enjoyed in the early stages of this relationship. At the moment I could feel it slipping away.

But how? What would give me the upper hand?

At 3pm I called her. ‘Meeting is delayed’ I lied, ‘so I might be called away at any time’
‘Ok honey, I understand. You know I always like to hear your voice. You can call anytime. Sometimes I can’t wait, so maybe you could call earlier, when I get home from work’
‘Unfortunately, that’s not usually a very convenient time’ Another lie.
‘Well if you can’t call then just send me a text, if I get something from you, I will feel more secure. But honey don’t worry. Work is much important for a man. You see I am the reasonable person’

To hear her say

2007-05-14T12:36:00.000+01:00

February 2003

Now what? That was the question.

How could I go on seeing Maggie? Maybe now was the right time to put an end to it. I knew it had to end at some point, better for both of us that the end should be sooner rather than later. Ok I would be unhappy for a while, but time passes so quickly, a week perhaps two and it would all be behind me. I’d had my fun, now it was time to get back to normal.

It made sense, I knew that. But………. it wasn’t what I wanted. I wasn’t ready to end the relationship, I wanted more.

Then I started to worry, what if Maggie was getting fed up with me. I though that, at times, she didn’t always seem to be so happy. Why was that? I’d upset her a few times, and I’d behaved like an idiot when things hadn’t gone my way.

I wanted her to tell me that she loved me without question. I wanted to know that I had not dented her opinion of me. And I wanted to scare her a little, to hear her say ‘honey, I don’t want to lose you’

I wrote:

‘Babe, I understand that you are tired, perhaps I keep you awake too late, always talking into the night. I think in future I will always try to call earlier. Shall we say that if I cannot call before 11pm then I will not call on that day. I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, and don’t know what time it will finish’

Her reply:

‘Honey, you know that I always want to hear you voice, but if you have the meeting then I understand, no pressure, you can call me earlier, or send me the message so that I don’t worry’

That wasn’t what I wanted at all.

Now what?

2007-05-11T12:36:00.000+01:00

February 2003

Later when we spoke it was immediately apparent that her mood was very subdued. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked
‘I think I have the cold’ she said, ‘and so tired’

It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I was hoping she would repeat the sentiments of her email.
‘You still have the cold? You seemed ok when were in China.’
‘Maybe. I don’t know. I think I just need to sleep’
‘Did you sleep well last night?’
‘No not well. You are not there’
‘Do you think you will sleep alright tonight?’
‘I think so. I am so tired’

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear either, I began to feel a little irritated. I wanted to know that she felt as empty as I did, as if her pain would alleviate mine.

‘Lets not talk so long tonight’ I suggested
‘It is ok honey, I want to talk, it is the highlight of my day’
‘But if you are tired, babe’
‘Do you have to work?’
‘Don’t worry about work. Do you need to sleep?’
‘Ok honey, but can talk too, for a while’

I was trying to punish her. And yet I wondered; why did she agree so easily? Why didn’t she put up more of a fight? Didn’t she miss me as much as I missed her?

‘Look babe, do you need to sleep?’
‘Well maybe if I sleep early tonight, will be better tomorrow, then we can talk longer then’
‘So that will be ok for you then, will it?’
‘Honey, I can talk now if you want, or try to sleep. I am flexible. You decide’

‘If you need to sleep, then sleep. I don’t want to keep you awake.
‘Ok then, I will try to sleep, but is ok if you want to talk’
‘I may have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, so don’t know what time I can call’ I lied.
‘Don’t worry honey, just call when you can, I understand’.
‘Good bye’
‘Bye honey, miss you’

I put down the phone feeling worse than before. Now what?

My friend will meet me

2007-05-10T12:34:00.000+01:00

February 2003

Maggie called me, as the airport express left Central station. ‘Honey, I love you, I miss you’
‘I miss you too’
‘Honey, I don’t want you to go. Don’t say I get rid of you’
‘I was just feeling upset’
‘I know; I feel upset too. This is hard for us, too much parting’

The flight left on time. As I found my seat, I saw the girl I had sat next to on the outward flight. She smiled. ‘Hi’ I said.

Later, after the meal, she came and spoke to me. ‘What a coincidence’ she said, ‘that we sit close together again’.

As we disembarked the plane the following morning, she walked by my side. We talked about London. As we neared baggage reclaim her mood seemed to change, she seemed less happy, had I aggravated her I wondered. Or maybe I wasn’t very good company. I asked about her onward journey. ‘My friend will meet me’.

I wanted to ask her if we might meet again, but my perception of her changed mood, deterred me, and we parted with a curt ‘good bye’.

And so any hope of alleviating the pain I felt at parting from Maggie was lost.

I collected the car and drove home. I was due to go to the London office, but I called in to say I wasn’t so well and would work in the local office for the next couple of days.

In my inbox, three messages from Maggie, one said:

‘Honey, I miss you already. Never have this feeling before. I told my mother how well you look after me when we are in China. I am so impressed, you are so gentleman, always holding my hand, always make sure I am safe. I am always so secure with you. My mother impressed too. So you see I cannot live without you’

So ugly guy

2007-05-09T12:16:00.000+01:00

February 2003

After that, we went to a shopping mall. Maggie and I spent our time in an amusement arcade, playing air football. Then at Maggie’s request we both had our pictures taken in a photo booth. The pictures could be edited to add a choice of wording. Maggie chose ‘True Love’. The picture of me was awful, but it still got pride of place in Maggie’s purse, displacing the picture of her dogs.

After that we went for coffee. ‘Which one shall we choose, honey?’ I didn’t know, so I chose the first one I saw, it was Arabic. It was served with great ceremony. ‘I believe Arabic is the best coffee, is that right honey?’

This was the final stop, next it was a long journey back to Shenzhen, where our trip finished, leaving us to find our way back to Hong Kong, repeating the journey we’d made a few days earlier.

We didn’t talk much. I thought Maggie might be in bad mood, but I decided not to ask.

It took an age to get through the immigration at Shenzhen. The crowds were incredible. Maggie and I were separated for more than an hour.

Back in Hong Kong, we caught a taxi to Maggie’s house, where we had dinner, and watched TV in near silence. The movie ‘Ghosts’ was on in Cantonese subtitles. Seeing Patrick Swayze, Maggie said ‘look at that guy, so ugly, why is he the movie star?’

A few minutes later, her mother came into the room, and repeated the question in Cantonese.

Maggie seemed tired. ‘I think I still have the cold’ she said.

An hour later, I collected my belongings. I told Maggie not to come down to the taxi with me, but she insisted. At the taxi stand, outside her apartment building she said ‘you better go, honey’

With tears in my eyes, I said ‘are you trying to be rid of me?’

Elvis Presley

2007-05-08T17:00:00.000+01:00

February 2003

The food on the boat was rather poor, and the drinks were a choice of very sweet coffee or lemonade. However, the trip up the river was pleasant enough, and lasted around an hour and a half. We found seats and looked at the view.

This was our last night together. Tomorrow we had the journey back to Hong Kong, and that night I would be flying back to the UK. We sat quietly, I had nothing much to say, Maggie rested her head on my shoulder. ‘I love you’ she said.

A couple of hours later, we were back at the hotel. We didn’t go out again. After making love, we watched TV, surprisingly there was an English speaking channel showing a documentary about Elvis Presley. Maggie didn’t know who he was, ‘is this a popular guy?’ she asked.

Eventually, once I could feel that Maggie had fallen asleep, I switched of the TV, and lay there thinking, ‘would this be the last night I spent with Maggie?’

The next day, after breakfast we were taken to a herbal and health remedy shop. Maggie bought some patches to wear on her shoulder.

‘You didn’t tell me you have a problem with your shoulder’ I said
‘No. You know I am so happy with you, just never remember that problem’

The shop was full of all manner of remedies and potions. I picked up what looked like a large sausage.

‘Honey, let me see what this is’ The packaging didn’t have any English translation.

‘This is the reindeer, you know what that is?’
‘Reindeer? Yes. That’s what father Christmas uses to pull his sleigh.
‘Honey, this is the reindeer penis’
‘Oh. Well it’s quite big. Bigger than mine’
‘Oh honey, yours it big enough’
I smiled. A good answer. ‘What is it for?’
‘I don’t know,
‘Doesn’t it say?
‘Yes, but I do not know what it means’

The rose

2007-05-03T13:32:00.000+01:00

February 2003

That night we were treated to a banquet and cabaret aboard a ship, as it took us on a tour up the river.

We were dropped of about a hundred yards from the ship. It was a difficult hundred yards to cover. The road was crowded with people selling all manner of food, souvenirs, novelties, watches and pens. And as soon as they saw me, I became their only interest.

‘Hello’ they were calling, ‘Rolex, Rolex’, ‘Monteblanc’ or just ‘Please sir’. Some would grab my arm or start touching me. ‘Careful of your pockets, honey’

We tried to push through, but it was impossible. There were many small children selling candy and roses. One boy approached us, and tried to hand me a single rose. I shook my head, but he wasn’t deterred.

He just walked by our side, holding the rose in front of me whilst nudging my arm. I tried to shake him off; we turned slightly as if to change direction. He stood in front of us, walking backward, holding the rose toward me.

Just as we got to the boat, realising he was running out of time, he allowed us to pass slightly and then slid the stem into the back of Maggie’s jeans.

‘Honey?’

A grabbed the rose, and then, not knowing what to do, and wanting to appear as Maggie’s protector, I bent the stem in two, and through the rose to the ground. As the boy bent to pick it up, we rushed past onto the ship, where he couldn’t follow.

‘So annoying, don’t you think honey?’
‘Mmm’

I saw him walk off, and wondered what would happen to him. Did he have more roses? Or would the loss of this rose deprive him of food for the night?

Swimming

2007-05-01T16:28:00.000+01:00

February 2003

Back on the coach, I remembered that Maggie had told me to bring some shorts for swimming. ‘Why?’ I asked her.
‘Oh, that’s right honey, we are going to the spa’
‘When?’
‘Now I think, I can’t always tell what the girl is saying. You know I don’t know the mandarin that well’

An hour later, we arrived at what proved to be ‘the spa’. To me, it seemed exactly the same as any 1960’s built municipal swimming pool.

We had to change in separate changing rooms. I was ready in a few minutes, but Maggie took an age. Eventually she came out, looking lovely in a bikini. All the other girls wore swimming costumes. Maggie was clearly a little bit unhappy.

We walked around the pool, to the deep end, and I dived in and swam a couple of lengths. When I got back, Maggie was sat on the side, ‘so cold honey’ she said.

It took a lot of coaxing to get her into the pool. She swam half a length, then turned to me and said ‘see that guy sat up there? He looked at me the whole time. So horrible guy. I hate him. I hate those dirty guys, always looking at the girls’

We swam for a while. Maggie found it quite difficult. Then we went into the steam room. It was full, for a while we had to stand. ‘My swim clothes are broken honey. Can you see through them?’
‘No babe, anyway I am always happy to see your body’
‘But what about the other guys?’
‘Don’t worry about that babe’
‘Of course I worry about that. It is for your eyes only, not for the other guys. You should think about that too.’

For a while she was quiet. When our hour was up, we left the pool, returning to the coach. Maggie fell asleep again. I held her until we arrived at Guandong.

I am exciting

2007-04-30T12:09:00.000+01:00

February 2003

That afternoon we stopped at what I think was some kind of farm. We were led into a large tent full of tables, chairs and a bar.

‘The guide says we are going to try the pigeon’
‘I’ve never eaten pigeon’
‘I think you will like it’
I thought so too. We bought a beer. We were given polythene gloves and one pigeon each. Mine seemed rather slim, which I took to be a good sign.

After that we were free to wander around the grounds. There were a number of activities. I chose to do the archery, Maggie just wanted to watch; to save money she said.

The bow was old, and the arrows had a slight curve. I missed the target with my first, and let the bow graze my arm; it hurt, some blood came to the surface.

‘Hurt your arm honey? Better stop’
‘Its ok babe’

I was handed an arm protector, but still managed to hit the area again. This time it really hurt. I hit the target this time.

‘I thought you have done this before honey’
I had. I wanted to blame the bow, but instead said, ‘a long time ago’

With a very bruised arm we walked on. Later, back on the coach, we were told that we had a two hour journey to Guandong, where we were due to stay that night. Maggie was soon asleep in my arms.

However, after an hour we pulled into the car park of a large factory. Yet another opportunity to buy souvenirs. Maggie and I stayed on the coach; we kissed for a while and then she slipped her hand into my trousers. ‘Honey, I am exciting’.

We got out of the coach, walked out of the factory and up the road. Many people passed us on their bikes; coming home from work I thought. They all looked at us. Everyone looked at us.