But I haven’t been much in the mood for hearts since my divorce, especially since my ex-husband used to say they were “our favorite shape.” Once the marriage was over, hearts just reminded me of all the things he’d said and done and how it all fell apart.

So in mid-January, I started to feel sad when I realized Valentine’s Day was coming. Last year was the first Valentine’s after my divorce. Two years ago on Valentine’s Day, I was unknowingly on my last date with my husband. But I’m not giving my ex-husband Valentine’s Day or hearts (not that he’s asking).

Valentine’s Day could have been a perfect catalyst for sadness, loneliness, a resurgence of anger, but then I remembered how happy I am to be divorced, just happy in general really. I find myself singing in the car. When I catch my reflection in a mirror or a window, I’m usually smiling. My son and I do a lot of dancing in the kitchen, the living room, and head bobbing in the car.

Now when I check in with myself I realize that I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. So, I asked my son if he wanted to be my Valentine. He said yes! We proceeded to fill the house with hearts: a heart mobile made of wax paper and crayon hearts, a wreath wrapped in a pink feather boa, a Valentine banner, felt heart garlands, handprint hearts, love blossom trees, heart-shaped cookies, and Valentines.

We called each other and our cat “Sweet Valentine”, checked out Valentine’s books from the library, made valentine’s crafts and a Valentine’s playlist to listen to while we crafted, had a pre-Valentine’s potluck brunch, and a Valentine’s tea party with friends. For me, Valentine’s Day is about love, not lovers.

My son and I are fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who we love and who love us (thank you thank you thank you). We had so much to celebrate, we spent about a month on Valentine’s Day. Cavanaugh kept asking if it was Valentine’s Eve yet. Then on Valentine’s night, he asked me to make him a Valentine. I was up until almost 2 a.m. Can you tell?

I kept meaning to post about the cool stuff we were finding to do so we could share our Valentine’s fun but I didn’t get around to it. For now, I’ll just share some pictures and wish you a happy post-Valentine’s Day with big love!

I do believe in “please” and thank you” however. The world is a softer place when you observe the social niceties.

When Cavanaugh was two, I found What Do You Say, Dear? amidst books inherited from my childhood. It seems unlikely that it would get published today because we don’t typically joke about kids being threatened with violence (dragons, dinosaurs, guns), but it’s hilarious. Each vignette offers a scenario in which one must practice one’s manners e.g. “You are at a wedding party because you are the bride. You have a fine husband and an enormous wedding cake, and you are going to live happily ever after, only first you are very, very hungry. / What do you say, dear? / ‘Would you please pass the cake?’”

Just after we started reading What Do You Say, Dear? Cavanaugh said “please” for the first time (and we didn’t even have cake).

We’re reading it again, because he’s five and bossing me around a lot, trying to figure out what is his to control, what he’s responsible for, and what I need to help with. Making him food and reading him bedtime stories are my territory, but he can put his own clothes in the hamper and carry his glass of water up to the bedroom. Even when he’s asking me to do something that he couldn’t do himself, I appreciate being asked nicely.

What Do You Say, Dear? is helping teach him–in a totally hilarious manner. What do you say when you run your plane through someone’s roof? Same thing you say when you accidentally break your friend’s toy: “I’m sorry.” What do you say when the queen has served you a spaghetti appetizer, spaghetti salad, spaghetti dinner, and you’re too full for spaghetti dessert? Same thing you say when you’re done eating dinner with your family: “May I please be excused?”

We’re also reading Mind Your Manners, a Classic Winnie the Pooh knock-off (totally not by A.A. Milne). Pooh goes to a picnic hosted by Christopher Robin and is so excited that he forgets to say “hallo,” “please pass the honey,” or anything else polite. He reaches in front of Eeyore, drinks milk while Tigger cleans up the flowers he knocked over, and doesn’t say “thank you” or even “good-bye.”

Cavanaugh often neglects to say good-bye when people are leaving, even after they’ve said it to him. He got presents for his birthday or Christmas and knows to say, “Thank you,” but many times didn’t. Balancing the totally over-the-top examples from What Do You Say, Dear? with the much more relatable scenarios in Mind Your Manners means I’m not giving lectures or constantly reminding Cavanaugh to mind his manners.

He laughs at the idea of saying, “How do you do?” to a baby elephant and is more likely to remember to say, “hi” when our friends arrive. I’m loving these books, even the gun page (though I totally understand that some parents might skip it). Bad Nose Bill asks, “Would you like me to shoot a hole in your head?”

What do you say, dear?

“No, thank you” of course!

Though there are all sorts of retrofit cabinet options for folks who want a more organized kitchen, most of them don’t even fit the dimensions of my cabinets. My drawers don’t pull out all the way. Drilling even small screw holes into them is asking for trouble.

But I wanted to stop walking the almost 20 feet from the counter where I prep food into the pantry where the spice racks hung on the wall. The ugly yellow laminate that has been on my counters since the house was built in 1975, oh so inconveniently run all the wall up the wall to the hanging cabinets. Hanging the spice racks on the kitchen walls wouldn’t work.

Putting spice racks on the inside of the cabinet door, a great option for some folks would mean drilling into 35+ year old fake wood that might crumble, or not hold the weight, or need wood glue reinforcement and maybe patching and painting.

I didn’t want getting a spice drawer to be hard or expensive. And I didn’t want to have to buy new spice jars and label them so that everything would be uniform to fit into a spice drawer or rack. I wanted to use my spices as they were and not have a whole bunch of baggies of extra spice somewhere because they didn’t fit into my pretty spice bottles. I looked on Amazon, at Lowe’s and Home Depot, at the Container Store, and finally found the perfect spice drawer inserts at IKEA for $3.99. I measured my drawers and figured out I needed three of them, which would give me a couple of inches for the pepper can, the almond extract jar, the cinnamon sticks that weren’t in a jar, etc.

If you decide to do this, don’t forget to measure the length of your drawers to make sure the inserts will fit in. Cutting them to fit would turn this into the hard kitchen project category. I would not recommend it..

So for $11.97 plus tax, I have a spice drawer right next to my stove-top. It’s been life-changing. No, I’m not exaggerating. My old funky 70s kitchen functions better. Cooking is easier and faster. I don’t have to make multiple trips into my pantry, each one of which risks that I will be interrupted by my sweet son needing something or wanting some attention.

I organized the spices in groups likely to be used together: baking spices, peppers, spices for Mexican food, etc. That drawer is one of my favorite parts of the kitchen now.

And it’s just the first drawer. I’m taking that kitchen on one drawer at a time, to get the most that I can from with it, with the money and the space that I have.

Many of the AP mamas I know plan on child-led weaning, but as their kids move further into toddlerhood, they experience mixed feelings about nursing and then guilt about wanting to wean. So I considered weaning in relation to the Eight Principles of API

1. Prepare for Parenting: Preparing for weaning includes considering goals for nursing plus different types of and strategies for weaning. I created a list of weaning resources I hope will help with this.
2. Feed with Love and Respect: If mama is feeling exhausted, angry, or impatient while nursing, even if she doesn’t voice those feelings to her child, she is not respecting her own needs, nor is the child getting a clear loving message during feeding.
3. Respond with Sensitivity: Being able to meet child’s needs and respond to child’s feelings with sensitivity doesn’t require breastfeeding.
4. Use Nurturing Touch: Many of the mamas I know who have weaned are experiencing even more cuddles with their kids. Moms are being able to relax because they’re not anticipating being asked for milk or having their shirt pulled up at any moment. The children receive other forms of touch like hugging, massage, holding hands, having their backs drawn on, sitting on parents’ laps, and fun play like airplane, tickling, and gentle wrestling.
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally: At some point, children benefit physically from sleeping through the night (and mamas really appreciate it). Emotionally, sleep is safer if moms don’t go to bed dreading the next time they’re going to be woken up, which results in children getting to experience more emotional safety too.
6. Provide Consistent and Loving Care: If one’s feelings about nursing range from loving it to wishing it would end, the message to the child may not be consistent. “Particularly if nursing is for comfort, the emotional quality of the exchange is of great importance. …you are protecting your child from the mixed messages and resentment that can build up when you say yes, but really mean no.” Adventures in Tandem Nursing, p. 175.
7. Practice Positive Discipline: Setting loving limits for nursing can help keep the relationship rewarding. Toddler nursing doesn’t need to be on-demand all the time. Teaching children nursing manners and limiting nursing can make breastfeeding a time that is calm, sweet, and nurturing for both mother and child.
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life: Balance between meeting children’s and parents needs can be one of the greatest challenges of AP. Whether weaning is partial or complete, the process of being able to exercise control over the breastfeeding relationship, rather than feeling at the mercy of one’s child, goes a long way towards helping familes achieve balance.

Weaning can feel like a loss or wonderful milestone depending upon how it’s approached. As Dr. Sears says, “If you resent it, change it.” Changing it doesn’t necessarily have to mean ending it. Setting some limits may allow a breastfeeding relationship to continue for months or even years longer.