Sleazy Pictures Modest Archive

Bestialitá: Dog Lay Afternoon

2016-09-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

Borderline exploitation!

The time has come to take a look at Leonora Fani's sleaziest film of her career: Bestialitá (Bestiality) AKA Dog Lay Afternoon. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, bestiality means either sex between a person & an animal or a cruel and violent quality. In the case of today's film in review, it means the earlier. Yes, you read that right, a movie that features (simulated) sex between a person and an animal, in this case a dog. Disgusting, isn't it? If you're still with us, bare in mind cinema has relied on exploitative tricks since the dawn of time. Linda Lovelace, the world famous Deep Throat legendary porn star is said to have been forced to have sex with dogs many times. There are even some biographies stating she couldn't even bare to pronounce the word dog, replacing for its spelling d-o-g. If you're interested in reading more about this god awful paraphilia, there's a very interesting and serious article about it, written by Mish Barber Way here.

The SPAM-Alternative team is a group of sound minded people. In the past we have explained several times how we will never post any film related to illegal practices that go beyond the "it's only a movie" quote. We don't even support piracy. So, why is Dog Lay Afternoon still being reviewed after all this mumbo jumbo? Well, because the film doesnt' feature any actual scene of paraphilias of any kind. As a matter of fact, there are two scenes (the opening & the final scene) that deal with this serious matter in a very childish way that denotes clearly, it's a farce and no animals were harmed whatsoever. We love pets, we love dogs, we love everything that means doing no harm towards anybody or any animal, so rest assured, this film only uses the theme to gain more audiences throughA curiosity rather than shocking their viewers with, crap that goes beyond any sound mind idea. Still, that's why there's a warning message before accessing our blog, because it's meant to be visited by grown up adults who understand.

Witness of an act of bestiality.

Lusty tourists.

Setting explanations aside, Bestialitá is a 1976 Italian sexploitation directed by George Eastman (from Anthropohagus & Porno Holocaust fame) & Peter Skeri. The film premiered on November 16th in Italy and in 1977 in Turkey, Belgium and Spain. Obviously, it never premiered outside Europe due to censorship regulations that are more than needed at certain times. Although the film could have been internationally known as "Bestiality" distributors opted for "Dog Lay Afternoon" which clearly ripped off from Al Pacino's 1975 Dog Day Afternoon which has absolutely no resemblance with the earlier.

Anyways, the story begins with the perverted love relationship a married woman has with her dog. Unfortunately, her daughter Jeanine (Leonora Fani) witnesses the entire scene, and her father burns the house with the dog inside and take them out of there for good. Later, the movie changes its focus to a fifty something year old married couple that is visiting the island on vacation. Years have gone by, and the story of the woman & the dog ends up being an urban myth locals tell tourists to add some darkness to their vacation. For some reason beyond comprehension, Paul (Philippe March) gets interested in the story and every time he spots a mysterious girl and her dog, he somehow fantasizes about her being the urban myth. Yvette (Juliette Mayniel) who happens to bo Paul's wife, soon realizes there's a wandering young girl who seems to be unreachable to everyone, developing an interest on her too.

Ilona Staller is also in the movie.

Sunbathing in the nude.

Although publicized as a Leonora Fani film, her role isn't exactly the lead. Instead, the movie is told and seen through the eyes of the married couple touring the island (no exact location of the island is given during the movie).

The married couple is there for pure sex & entertainment. On the island they meet other tourists like them, and join in with them several times. Ilona Staller's unnamed character seems to be that of a prostitute hired by older men or interested in dating rich old men. Anyways, she barely gets a line on the film, all she does, is I presume, her best, getting naked and dancing while teasing some more old men. I've always wondered why she chose the porn industry instead of following a softcore career with more respectable fans. Even her appearance changed over the years as porn wasn't easy to shake off of her skin.

Jeanine & her dog.

Sunbathing pals.

So, anyways, after partying a lot, the married couple finally meets the mysterious girl who happened to have stolen Paul's photo camera. From then on, they befriend her and end up somewhat becoming a family spending days together in the sun. Paul & Yvette never had any children because they couldn't so, Jeanine seems to be the daughter they never had. Nevertheless, the sleazy factor can't possible allow us to picture them as a family because as soon as they're together, Jeanine & Yvette fuck each other on a daily basis until Paul is invited to join in for a threesome that will happen several times again.

Later, Jeanine sort of develops something that looks like an epilepsy condition that has her screaming and mumbling about her dog and her mother. Here's where the married couple is like "what the fuck is wrong with this girl?!". Although plot wise there isn't much explained on behalf of her condition, it's implied she became a nymphomaniac (a dated word I might add) because seeing her mother with a dog, traumatized her so hard, the only way she could cope with it was fucking random strangers every time tourist season began.

Hey, let's swim!

Hey! let's fuck!

Despite the fact Bestialitá is known as a must watch cult piece among film connoisseurs, the movie clearly doesn't live up to its hype, neither it survives as an entertaining sexploitation film. The only item that drives people into watching this flick, is obviously the heavily marketed (and luckily simulated) disgusting paraphilia scenes. The fact that Leonora Fani is in it, doesn't really mean much. Her role as a support character isn't nowhere as good as other support roles she's done in other films. The amount of nudity and/or sex scenes the film has is very little compared to her later works. Not even Ilona Staller has a lot of naked business in the film. As for the leads, well, they look too old for school and their nude scenes are meh!

So, is there any real artistic value in this film?

No, there isn't. I for one believe Leonora Fani wasn't that lucky when she began her film career. Most of the roles she was in were, well, basically an abused girl who ended up enjoying forced sex and, that clearly isn't something to be proud of. She had potential, and you can see it in Pensione Paura, Nene, Sensitivita and even in minor roles in The Last Round & The Private Lesson. To be fair, surviving the sleazy 70's film industry being an actress, was a beast of a burden only few could master. The sexploitation genre helped built the career of many European starlets but, on the other hand it closed doors for a more serious driven type of film genre. As a matter of fact, out of all the Italian starlets that raised to stardom in the 70's I believe Ornella Muti is the only one who enjoyed a satisfying career working in varied film genres.

a young Ilona Staller.

Your wife inviting you into a threesome? How can you say no to that?

By the time the movie reaches its climax, we're introduced to a private investigator that's been following Jeanine's case for quite some time. After Jeanine's shocking revelation, she leaves the couple and goes back to wherever she lives to sort of, re-arrange her life with her dog. Bestialitá has shocking all over, so by the time the grand finale comes, it is also revealed locals have been trying to find this mysterious girl in order to cure her off of her disease by killing her dog. Obviously, easier said than done, so once Jeanine accepts her perverted destiny, she decides it's time for her to take her mother's place in a disgusting legacy. Unfortunately for her, and this is pure presumption by myself, the one time she tries to do as her mother did, she's attacked & by her dog and hurt so bad, her screaming alerts the locals who ultimately kill her and her dog (there are no graphic scenes of the murder, only sounds and a few shots of the sea rocks whatsoever)

Overall, not Fani's best work by a long shot. Also, there's a lot of dialog that, had it not being for the Italian language & the English subtitles, I would have seriously thought this was a lame French art film. The Sexploitation value is very low. Sexploitation films are usually about comedy, murder, mystery, coming of age and even horror, Bestialitá is nothing but a fucking perverted publicity stunt with a few shocking twists that add up nothing to the overall feel of watching this movie. Only for Lenora Fani fans only. Faint of heart, stay away from it!

The beauty of Ilona Staller.

The beauty of Leonora Fani.

Believe it or not, there's a film trailer that looks way better than the actual copy I got to review this flick:

In addition, there's a music video with a glimpse of the soundtrack written by Coriolano Gori:

La Svergognata: The Shameless Woman

2016-08-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

Shame on you Leonora!

1974 marks the year the world witnessed the debut of Leonora Fani in the film industry, the sexploitation film industry to be more precise. Directed by the rather unknown Giuliano Biagetti who worked as director, writer and producer of Italian erotic films, he is known for Decameroticus & directing Gloria Guida in La Novizia. La Svergognata AKA The Shameless Woman, AKA La Desvergonzada, can be best described as a forbidden love story between a married couple, their horny teenage daughter and a former lover. Although the film has been officially released on DVD in Italy, such release is currently out of print and there are no international official editions available as of yet. Unfortunately, the available copies that are online, feature neither English subtitles nor dubbing of any language, so I guess it's a good time for you to pay a little visit to your local Italian Culture Center and sign for an Italian language course.

La Svergognata is starred by Philippe Leroy (who looks like The Flash's John Wesley-Shipp) as Fabio Lorenzi; Leonora Fani as Ornella Bernardi and last but not least, blonde bombshell Barbara Bouchet as Silvia Lorenzi (yes, Fabio's wife)

I'm your wife Fabio, of course I'll take anal!

I'm your teenage craving Fabio, of course I'll swallow!

In a nutshell, La Svergognata is about a writer (Philip Leroy)comes to stay at an island resort and gets involved with a teenage lolita (Fani) who is there with her parents and rather malicious best friend. She teases the older man mercilessly--going to a hotel and dancing with him naked and then suddenly getting dressed and running off to a party with a young American guy. But it's not so much because she is malicious, but because she is really an insecure virgin. Finally, he gives up on her after his beautiful wife (Barbara Bouchet) shows up. But the younger woman becomes jealous and is not going to give up so easily. So, essentially this film is about a malicious love triangle that has a poor man making the hardest decision of his life: Is it Barbara Bouchet's blonde and experienced beauty the best? or is it Fani's malicious teenage teasing?

In the past, we reviewed many films about the same love triangle/forbidden love story line, and as a matter of fact, most of the sexploitation movies from the 60's, 70's & 80's were mostly based upon teenage characters craving sex, something that allowed many beautiful actresses to rise to stardom through making a few of these films. Names like Christina Lindberg, Ornella Muti, Gloria Guida, Laura Antonelli, Peggy Church, Marie Liljedhal and Solveig Andersson are only a few I can think of right now as actresses that portrayed horny teenage girls more than once throughout their careers.

a walk on the beach keeps the dick craving away.

I'm confused, do men want me?

So, is La Svergognata just another teensploitation in an extended list of rip offs?

Yes and no depending on what your personal standards define a movie as worth watching or a total waste of time. Philippe Leroy & Barbara Bouchet (despite showing up only after half of the movie is done, and not as naked as she's been in other films) certainly deliver in their roles. Leroy is a bored writer who's lost inspiration long ago, while Bouchet is his believable wife. Leonora Fani, on the other hand, is a newcomer to the world of acting on screen, and yet, her role as malicious teen Ornella is skillfully carried out, I might add. Nevertheless, the film's plot is highly derivative and won't bring any refreshing ideas to a genre, that although it was on its peak in the early 70's, it quickly hit rock bottom by the end of the decade. In its defense, I'd say La Svergognata is neither a pretentious film nor an avant garde softcore film desguised as art. In addition, its running time is only 78 minutes, so it doesn't beat around the bushes. So by the time, Fabio's wife arrives on the island, things go south pretty quickly, and just before he can give Ornella a good fuck, his wife gives him a hard time and leaves. Unfortunately, Ornella is more of a tease than a slut, so after she is confronted by Silvia, she decides to call it a day too, leaving our poor infamous main character with blue balls.

I wanna suck it.

Uhm, nope, now I don't want to.

La Svergognata was filmed in its entirety on the beautiful island of Ischia, near Naples. Most of the outdoor scenes are stunning just for the fact they were filmed on the island. The cinematography of the film was in charge of Antonio Borghesi (a regular in Biagetti's flicks). The music was composed and arranged by Berto Pisano, who worked mostly making music for horror films. His most remembered work is 1981's Burial Ground: The nights of Terror.

Although the film premiered only in Italy in 1974, the film was internationally released in Spain & Greece. The film never made it to American theaters. However, the VHS tape release, made it a very popular cult film during the 80's outside of Europe. If you're lucky enough, you can still find copies of it around the internet. The only known releases of the film were the original Italian version (bootlegged as is) and a Spanish dubbed version, so a second language diploma may not seem that useless now.

The Spanish dubbed VHS.

Good girl! you swallowed it to the last drop!

Author Susan Bassnett wrote the book Feminist Experiences (RLE Feminis Theory) in 1986. In such book, she has a few lines for Leonora Fani:

Section 2 opens with an interview with Leonora Fani, an actress who has appeared in box-office pornographic movies, one of which featured her having intercourse with a large dog. Leonora Fani defends her work with the now traditional "they don't have to see it if they don't want to" line...

Now, let's straighten things up. First, Leonora Fani has never worked in a pornographic film. Her movies are either known as softcore or erotic films. The 1975 porn film "Calde Labbra" features a brief intervention by her, but it has nothing to do with real sex. Second, she's right, if you don't like her movies don't fucking watch them, and that's it! She was an erotic film actress and nude model because she chose to, she wasn't forced to do it. The 70's were a very different time and age where society was opened to every source of entertainment with almost no restrictions. She was a part of it, she didn't conspire against women to become sex objects.

There's nothing wrong with erotic films, you know.

To each his own ma'am!

Overall, La Svergognata's relevance is evidently the fact that it marks Leonora Fani's debut in the world of the erotic film genre. Plotwise, it's the same story that has been told way too many times and in some cases with better production or a more sex centered focused plot that may be more interesting to certain viewers. So, as a teenage love story, lame. As an erotic movie, a little less lame, and as the debut of a young Italian actress, well, it can't get any better than this. Sharing on screen time with experienced actors (Leroy & Bouchet) is priceless. Thanks to the popularity this film got her in Italy, she was able of nailing around 15 roles in different sexploitation films. If we were to rank all of her films, our ranking would be as follows:

1.Pensione Paura

2.Nene

3.Giallo a Venezia (yes, you read that right)
4.Bestialitá (yes, you read that right too! it's our next review!)

5.The Last Round
6.Naked Massacre
7.La Svergognata
8.Eden no Sono
9.The Private Lesson (yet to be reviewed)
10.Sensitivita.

Bare in mind she worked in more films but in very minor roles.

Barbara Bouchet.

Leonora Fani.

Finally we move to our video section with some very audiovisual material.

Here's the movie trailer:

Here's the main theme from the soundtrack:

And here's the entire film (Italian only) courtesy of YouTube:

Eden No Sono: The Garden of Eden

2016-08-30T12:49:00.001-07:00

Sex & youth.

Eden no Sono AKA The Garden of Eden, is a 1980 Japanese-Italian film written & directed by Yasuzo Masumura. The film is very similar to the world famous The Blue Lagoon, a teenage sexploitation film released the same year and starred by the then nude and under aged Brooke Shields. Another similar film is Il Sole Nella Pelle, the Italian sexploitation filmed starred by Ornella Muti circa 1975-1977 (IMDB's date is wrong, it wasn't made in 1972 and you can read all about in our review of it clicking on the blue link) So, whether today's film in review is a rip off of the rip off, I guess we'll never know. However, what we do know is that this film is the last film in which Leonora Fani had a starring role. From Eden no Sono on, her career was reduced to mere cameos in softcore & hardcore films, thus misleading viewers into thinking she actually did porn, which she actually didn't.

Anyways, The Garden of Eden is the story of two opposites who are inevitably attracted, thus breaking the barrier of social class. Alessandra (Fani) is an art student, the daughter of a very wealthy family, while Michele (Ronni Valente) comes from a poor family with a tradition for pick pocketing and stealing. Michele doesn't go to school, nor he has any job, so he spends his days visiting highly populated areas in Rome in order to pick pocket something of value to bring home to her vicious mother & brothers. One day, he goes to the art school where Alessandra is in and voila! steals her purse in the blink of an eye. She goes home totally unaware of the act. Once Michele goes home, he's given a hard time by his uncomprehending mother who tells him, he's not worth of food since he never brings anything of real value. This, pisses him off in the most adolescent way, thus promising his twisted family he will make it big sooner than later. In addition, there's a nonsensical background story about his father being a fisherman who "stole from the sea", thus making his surviving family fishermen who steal in a "sea of people".

Meet Alessandra, the art student.

Meet Michele, the pick pocket.

While the first hour of the film can be easily described as predictable, derivative and plain boring, let me tell you, the second half of the film makes this teenage romance sexploitation flick easily outdo other similar films. While Michele, offers Alessandra to find a mysterious Greek vase a friend of his has found nearby, he soon realizes he can leave his stealing past behind and live a new life next to his beloved Alessandra, if she agrees to follow of course.

All the cliched teenage love discovery items are on the film, yet we don't really get to see Leonora Fani in many nude scenes. Also the sex scenes are very brief and there really isn't much going on visually, at least. Fani fans know she's spent way more nude time in all of her previous films, but here on The Garden of Eden, she's given the opportunity of spending more time acting, thus diminishing her nude scenes up to a few shots, necessary for her character development.

So, who's this boy you've been seeing lately.

Fuck the rich girl as much as you want but, do get us some money next time.

Although The Garden of Eden can be certainly described as a sexploitation film, it's real value lies in the plot & character development. Once, Michele & Alessandra are living together on the beach, there's a very interesting plot twist happening. You see, Michele's family think he's actually kidnapped the rich girl, in order to ask a lot of money for her ransom, but since they haven't heard from him lately, his older brother decides to find him and pay him a little visit. Once this happens, Michele tells his brother he doesn't give a fuck about what they think, and that his days of crime are long over because he's found true love. Unfortunately, his elder brother and family are smarter than he thinks, so they sort of, get in the way in order to cash in and pretend they're the actual kidnappers of the poor rich girl.

Unaware of this, Alessandra spends her days fucking Michele dry, while swimming in the nude, to fuck some more on the beach. In addition, she teaches him, in the nude, all she knows about painting, while they fuck some more. A pity, the film maker didn't add more sex scenes to the film, since Fani is not a stranger to sexploitation. Anyways, they seem to live a pretty happy life: They have peace, they live in a magnificent secluded beach, they spend 24/7 naked and what's more important, they feed off of each others' sex.

Runaway or kidnapping?

Not really, she's actually fucking all the time!

Alessandra's parents, utterly worried about her, spend some money on newspaper prints with the description of the kidnapper and info on how and when she disappeared. On the other hand, Michele's family is already blackmailing the poor wealthy family asking for a lot money in case they want to see their daughter alive once more.

The Garden of Eden, like most of Leonora Fani's films is currently out of print and there aren't any plans on future releases on, so the only way to watch it is by either streaming services or bootleggers. Either way, the best available version of the film is the English dubbed edition with hard-coded Greek subtitles. While, I'm always supportive of the idea of watching films in their original language, dubbed versions are usually found easier. The version I watched was terribly dubbed in English but you know what? almost every dub movie I've seen suffers the same unfaithful faith. The problem is, dialog is way more cheesier than originally intended, and some of the idioms, figurative speech & slang sound weird or unnatural, thus giving you the impression the acting quality on this movie couldn't get any worse.

I'm hungry, I need some of your cum.

And maybe you can have some of my pussy juices.

If dialog is cheesy, wait until you pay attention to the background music composed by Stelvio Cipriani (known for his work on a Bay of Blood, Death Proof and more recently The Man from U.N.C.L.E. remake), a man who surely knows what he's doing because he delivers a soundtrack that perfectly accompanies the teenage couple throughout the film on their coming of age adventure while the unexpected grand finale is around the bend.

Once Michele's family gets the money they want, his older brother (strangely enough, the only characters with an actual name on the film are those of Alessandra and Michele only) returns to the beach to give his brother some money for having casually given them the idea for the job of their lives. Of course, this leads to a violent confrontation between brothers all the while, Alessandra is scared as fuck because she knows Michele's brother wants a piece of her ass. Fortunately, the cops followed Michele's brother and in a very confusing action sequence Alessandra is rescued while Michele & his family are arrested and sent to jail for plotting the kidnap.

Why don't you paint me with your cum Michele?

This whole art is getting me really horny Alessandra.

By the 1980's the teenage sexploitation genre had grown tired of itself, and movie producers efforts didn't truly help in the making of new master pieces of the genre. Had The Garden of Eden being released in the early 70's, it may have ended up being a cult film but, since that wasn't the case, the film tries too hard and delivers very little in the end. The concept of living a hippie life out of love and mother nature was already a worn out story by the late 70's. In addition, the coming of age concept was also entirely over used, and only the porn industry would keep on using it to sell their "virgin gone wild" stories starred by actresses that clearly looked nothing like a teenage girl. Still, being the final film in which Leonora Fani worked, it may be a good farewell movie in which she was allowed to spend more time dressed up than she used to in all of her previous films. Unfortunately, the way her character is written, doesn't really up her game as a skilled actress.

Overall, The Garden of Eden, doesn't offer much on original story telling as well as sex and nudity, so if you're looking for one or the other (or both) you may want to look for another movie instead. For Leonora Fani fans, this film is clearly a must watch, since it's her last movie. For casual movie enthusiasts I think you should watch Ornella Muti's Il Sole Nella Pelle instead (better story & better acting) For sexploitation fans, well this movie is mildly a sexploitation film so, nope, keep looking.

After all the semen I've swallowed it was about time you gave me a ring!

a behind the scenes photo from the film.

Will this film ever see the light of an official release? I doubt it, since her most popular films are either out of print or not officially released as of yet. However, we still have plenty of Leonora Fani movies left for reviewing. The next entries will cover her debut film, 1974's La Svergognata (The Shameless Woman), 1975's Bestialitá (Bestiality, maybe her most shocking film ever), 1975's Lezione Private (Private Lessons) & 1975's porno film Calde Labbra (Burning Lips) So, stay tuned as our blog is the only blog (and website for that matter) in the whole world covering her career with very detailed information, so yeah, we want to be the official unofficial guide to all things Leonora Fani.

No movie trailer this time, better luck next time I guess.

Eat your vegetables!

Sensitivita: The House by the Edge of the Lake

2016-08-25T15:19:00.000-07:00

The Spanish poster, my favorite.

After a strictly commercial review (see? a Frank Zappa gratuitous reference) we return to our latest obsession: Italian beauty Leonora Fani. Today's entry is 1979's sex horror flick Sensitivitá (Sensitivity) AKA The House by the Edge of the Lake, The Last House Near the Lake, Witch of the Lake & Diabla, among others. There's a censored made for TV version of the film known as Kira: The House Near the Lake. We strongly recommend you to skip that version by all means. Our review was made after watching the never released before director's cut of the film. Yes, we are connoisseurs, we know our way into the world of obscure cult films.

Despite being recognized as an Italian sexploitation actress, Leonora Fani has worked in very different films ranging from straight shocking sexploitation to romance movies. However, there isn't a single film where she hasn't appeared nude or screwing, leading viewers into questioning her acting skills. Nonetheless, she is an actress and has proven so in many of her films as both lead or support cast. Anyways, let her films do the talking.

a Burning hand emerges.

a Murdering monk.

Sensitivita may not be one of the greatest Italian horror films ever made but, since it's starred by our goddess Leonora Fani, it's worth the watch. Directed by Enzo G. Castellari, known for action films like Keoma, 1990: The Bronx Warriors, Cold Eyes of Fear & Warriors of the Wasteland admitted some years ago that this wasn't one of his best directing jobs since he didn't had an active role in the filming of Sensitivita. Nevertheless, his filmography is hit and miss, specially miss.

A young university student "Lillian" (Fani) returns to her family's country villa near a lake where years earlier her mother drowned. She is supposedly researching a local legend, a witch called Kira (Caterina Boratto) and a strange symbol associated with her. However, our heroine spends a lot less time at the library than she does flat on her back fucking all local guys. Nevertheless, there is a catch: whenever she cums, she faints (and not out of sexual exhaustion I might add) into a trance and some horrible fate befalls her sex partners (a car accident, a drowning etc.) Naturally, there's a lot of talk in the town about this strange, slutty outsider girl (but she still never seems to lack for willing sex partners). "Lillian" also seems to have some kind of weird relationship with a retarded girl named "Lilith"(Patricia Adriani), who is always spying on Lilian's sexual escapades and masturbating whenever she has sex (which makes for quite a rigorous masturbation schedule). Meanwhile, Kira, the witch also seems to be hanging around. And Lillian's own mother, though generally unseen except in the prologue, is referred to by the locals as the "lady in the lake". And if four weird women isn't enough, there's also a little, local blind girl who tears the heads off her dolls and says a lot of cryptic things.

Bouncing tits speak louder than words.

I want to masturbate so badly!

Evidently, Sensitivita is not Enzo Castellari's best film by a long-shot. But, the visual style is clearly the best element of the film. Castellari makes this nonsense horror look & feel as scary as possible, and despite the numerous sex scenes (which we're not complaining about, keep 'em coming Leonora!), he manages to maintain a suspense atmosphere despite the many misleading softcore sexploitation tricks the film has. With the possible exceptions of "Pensione Paura" & "Nene", this is probably Leanora Fani's classiest film. To some, this may not be saying much for an actress who starred in a movie with the self-explanatory title "Naked Massacre", in the under rated kitsch "Giallo a Venezia", in the deranged "Beastialita" (we're saving this film review for last), and even in some hardcore porn films (although she was not actually a hardcore actress). Anyways, we see Leonora Fani as a daring actress who had the, uhm, pubes, to film a varied range of films that not only got her into the annals of Italian sexploitation but also, allowed her to be internationally recognized by her now obscure and hard to find filmography. And what the hell! is 2016! and we're still promoting her films 42 years after her debut! (La Svergognata, another of our forthcoming reviews)

Italian horror films are generally well known for choosing visual style and atmosphere over logical plotting and realistic dialogue, but in the 1970's these films became increasingly over-the-top stylistically and often downright nonsensical. Of course, they also tended to paper over all the gaping plot holes with copious, and often even ridiculous, amounts of sex and nudity.

I'm gonna cum all over your face babe!

Please don't cum inside.

By now, I'm sure you've all realized this film hasn't been officially released on DVD or Blu Ray, you know, those ugly screen caps come from an 8mm film that must have been poorly digitized ages ago. Will an official release ever see the light? I don't know and in a way, I don't think so since, there isn't much value to add to the horror genre here. Obviously, Leonora Fani fans, like you and I, will most certainly try to find every film she's been into no matter how crappy the quality of the copy you can get your hands on. After all is Leonora Fani!

Horror fans won't miss much if they decide not to watch this film. However, there are a few scenes here and there that might leave you wondering "Oh my! did others stole ideas from this movie to create their own 80's slasher blockbusters?" We may never know the answer, as perhaps such scenes are merely coincidences and not straight rip offs, but you never know. American film makers have "borrowed" a lot of ideas from their European & Asian counterparts.

Leonora Fani, Italian beauty.

Are you talking to me?

Overall, Sensitivita, is an OK sexploitation horror film with lots of nudity and sex, of course, Leonora Fani makes the difference big time. On the horror side of things, there are a lot of better films out there. Advisable to Fani fans and horror enthusiasts who are looking to complete their obscure film collections.

Here's the Spanish dubbed trailer:

Suicide Squad

2016-08-23T17:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah! another superhe...I mean super criminal film!

Yeehaw! another superhero movie! Oh my God! so excited! very thrilled! much power! Mmm...No, nope, not like that. Before I get my hands into reviewing today's entry I can't help but post about my sorry emo feelings about a movie genre that despite bringing the Comic Book world to front center, it also has grown tired of itself and dangerously become a derivative cliched parody, the kind you shut down your brain and can still understand the whole story, even with detail. I've been a comic book reader since I was very little (not that anyone cares) and I'm not planning to stop being so. The world of superheroes is fascinating beyond words, yet when greedy film producers turn them into blockbuster films, there is something they're not doing right: They are not bringing the "fascinating" in comic books into their million dollar cinematic universe.

Suicide Squad is, the latest addition to the now ongoing & growing DC Cinematic Universe that started in 2013 with Man of Steel, continued this year with Batman V Superman and clashed into today's film in review. Now, you already know our motto here is "watch the movie by yourselves, and build your own opinion based on your unique personal experience" So, you're totally encouraged to disagree with what we think. Still, the world is built upon experience, facts & science. Film is an art form, and like any other art form it depends strictly on the eye of the beholder. Critics and real people, bashed Batman V Superman, (we liked it) when it came out. Then, when the Ultimate Extended Edition was released, voila! most of the haters became instant supporters of the film. Yes, we're a very weird species walking on Earth. In a nutshell, We're OK if you think our following review is full of crap.

Yeah! we're super bad!

I'm bad too!

Suicide Squad was, and I say "was" and not "is", a mildly popular comic book during the late 80's (make sure you read at least my personal favorite Apokolips Now), the time in which there was a second incarnation of the super criminal team. The original Task Force X (sounds a lot like X-Men, doesn't it?) dates back to 1959 and The Brave & the Bold comic book mag. The film incarnation is somewhat based upon 2011's New 52 Suicide Squad story line. Such arc includes Amanda Waller, Black Spider, Captain Boomerang, Deadshot, El Diablo, James Gordon Jr., Harley Quinn, Deathstroke & Yoyo. The ones marked in bold made it to the live action film. Rick Flag Jr. & Enchantress were added from the 1987-1992 Suicide Squad continuity.

Anyways, there's been two earlier live action incarnations of the team before. One being in the fucking lame and god awful Smallville TV series from 2001 and the other being part of the fourth season of Arrow last year. Therefore, this film is the third live action incarnation of this very unusual team of super baddies.

Looks that kill.

Oh yeah! 90's fluorescent colors!

Suicide Squad happens right after Batman V Superman (there's even a quick scene of Superman's funeral) Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) believes the world is in danger because there could come another Superman that is not so generous with mankind, so, instead of calling Batman & Wonder Woman, or The Flash, she thinks is wiser to leave world security in charge of a bunch of murderers that are beyond rehabilitation. The enemy, is actually, one of her own, June Moore (Cara Delevingne) a researcher, who happens to be possessed by the mystic being known as The Enchantress. This mystical entity hates humans and want to recover her place as ruler of the world. And oh, Yes, She's very powerful. Specially when next to her brother or once she recovers her heart, which happens to be the only weakness she has. Unfortunately for Amanda Waller, not even her military skills will protect it from reaching The Enchantress hands.

David Ayer, director of films that will never enter the annals of great movies, directs this flick with a super extra derivative eye. People expecting exciting moments or "oh my God I didn't think of that" plot twists will be straight forward disappointed by this "two hour Youtube gameplay video". Although you could watch this movie stoned as fuck, You'd still understand what the whole story is about. The sorry ass that wrote this mediocre plot is also Mr. David Ayer.

Bad to the bone!

"Psst, Enchantress..."

"Oh, but what about the "out of this world" Joker performance by Jared Leto?" Well, if you've seen the trailers, that's all the Joker you'll get on this film. Recently, Leto sort of washed his hands off of the matter by declaring he filmed enough Joker scenes as to make a solo movie, but "some of the scenes were so shocking" producers cut them off from the final release. Yeah, right!

"Well, then, tell me about Will Smith! he's a great actor that's made great movies! he can't miss, can he?" Will Smith can't play any other character than himself. If you've suffered seeing one of his films, you've seen them all already. He makes Deadshot look like the Christian version of character, going to church on Sunday and praying every night.

"Oh, c'mon! I'm sure Margot Robbie steals the show as Harley Quinn!!" I find it hard to believe, until this very day, that thousands of young women love the Harley Quinn character, I mean what is wrong? can't you not understand her actual role in the comic books? She's not in love with the Joker and neither is him with her! She's a violently sexually abused woman! The Joker is a son of a bitch! a fucking murdering maniac! he can't feel love! he's fucking twisted! and yet, we get a lot of "I love you Harley Quinn, you're my favorite cosplay character from which I've never read anything before" To me (and to many) She's only an over rated exploited female character and that's exactly where this movie hits rock bottom. Her character is supposed to be the most important, the one that would fit the pieces together, the one that would lead others, and yet She is portrayed as being a dime a dozen teenage angst troubled kid.

Haters gonna hate!

And they thought the movie was about me! ha,ha,ha!

Alright, a few paragraphs above I said this film is a "Youtube gameplay video" meaning exactly that. Characters, are quickly introduced, They are briefed about the mission, They accept the mission, They start on stage 1 until They meet the final boss. End of game. Absolutely predictable! nothing new, nothing shocking and even worse, not a single scene to make you feel these people are actually the bad guys forced to do the right thing! I mean c'mon! They fucking save the day like superheroes do! they don't even kill random people while getting busy! And don't get me started on the emotive flashbacks about their good side. What a bunch of crap! Want more bashing? Well, how on Earth Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc & Harley Quinn add enough power to defeat a supernatural super powered being? Out of the bunch, Killer Croc has animal like force and no more; Deadshot is a mere mortal with bullseye aim; Captain Boomerang? don't make me laugh! and Harley Quinn??!! what the fuck can she do to stop an immortal entity? toss bad jokes stolen from The Joker? shoot a gun? use a knife? hit hard with her baseball bat? That's where this film fucking failed massively to me. The team is evidently over powered by the enemy and yet They manage to save the day with some team work with standard human abilities. I don't mention El Diablo (Jay Hernandez), because he is the only actual character capable of giving a hard time to The Enchantress (which He does by the way)

Alright, let's move on to the long awaited cameos! Yeah! Batman is there, and not only in once, but three complete scenes. First, He's seen capturing Deadshot. Second, he rescues Harley Quinn from drowning while the Joker runs away like a pussy, leaving her "love" to die under water (wow! what a display of caring for each other this turd has!) and last but not least, he's in the after credit scenes requesting some very predictable info from Amanda Waller as Bruce Wayne. The Flash cameo, is quicker, no pun intended, he stops Captain Boomerang and it's gone.

I'm Batman!

The Flash was here!

People that never watched a superhero film before, may find Suicide Squad very refreshing and entertaining. The problem is, who hasn't, even by chance, watched a superhero movie in 2016? Younger audiences, the ones not meant to watch it, will have a thrilling experience, specially if They've never read a comic book before. Comic Book fans, well, We're used to disappointment, most of the superhero films from both DC & Marvel suck some major ass. The newly established DC Comics cinematic universe, may suck but it's selling merchandise like mad! Film producers couldn't care less about what Their viewers think, They just want Your money and They're getting it regardless concepts like quality, homage & respect for the viewers. Compared to Batman V Superman, Suicide Squad is way worse. At least, the former had interesting characters and a less derivative film maker POV. Still, the industry doesn't give a fuck about what We think. My recommendation is to buy comic books instead of movie tickets. Every comic book artist is not being paid shit for their creative efforts. There are no royalties in superhero movies. Do You like comic books? buy them, read them, buy some more, go to Cons, buy art prints. Forget about the movies, forget about that signed picture with the actor that plays Your favorite villain. Comic books are awesome in their own original format and need no updates and/or famous actors to attract new readers.

Overall, another action film supercharged with CGI and fight sequences all over. If that is what you're looking for, then Suicide Squad will deliver massive entertainment. On the other hand, if you're looking for a good movie, well, keep looking! And remember, DC Comics films will keep on coming regardless of what audiences think or experience. The truth is, these are very expensive two hour toy commercials, just like most of the 80's Cartoons.

Here's the movie trailer, and thank God, there's only Doctor Strange left this year! and like 2015, Star Wars will once again save the year for film lovers like You and Me.

Il Conto e' Chiuso: The Last Round

2016-08-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

Revenge, southern style.

What do you get when you sum a mysterious martial artist, a poor man with a blind daughter and two rival mafia families? you get a fucking masterpiece! that's what you get!, a fucking underrated obscure cinema piece everyone should add to their "best of" list as soon as possible.

Il Conto e' Chiuso (something like, "the bill is paid" or "we're even") is a 1976 action packed Italian mafia thriller directed by Stelvio Massi & written by Piero Regnoli. Known in English as "The Last Round", I guarantee you will love this film as much as we do. Besides, Leonora Fani is in it in a minor role that shows her acting skills in full.

A war veteran from southern Italy (played by the World Middle Weight boxing champion for over 7 years, Mr. Carlos Monzon) comes to a northern industrial town looking for work and gets tangled up with two rival clans of mafiosi. The plot of this sounds like another knock-off of "Yojimbo" (the Japanese film that inspired "A Fistful of Dollars" and any number of other spaghetti Westerns and Italian crime thrillers), but it's a little bit different in that the hero turns out to have a very personal vendetta against the leader of one of the rival mafia clans (Luc Merenda) and is not just a pure mercenary. Of course, there's a lot of stuff going on before you tell this is a revenge film.

Fear the worker's union fist!

I love the sound of a firing gun.

First, our working class hero (see what I did there?, a John Lennon reference) Marco Russo (Carlos Monzon) arrives just in the nick of the time, seconds before a group of abused workers are viciously fired by Beny Manzetti (Gianni Dei), who happens to be the second in command in the Manzetti mafia family. Marco is a man of justice, so he uses his bare fists to do justice in no time. This evidently, pisses the mobsters off so they catch him off guard and get rid of him in the outer area of the city. Once our hero wakes up, he meets Nina (Leonora Fani) a blind girl who offers him to stay at her place, and no, she's not offering exploitative derivative sex as you may be thinking, she's a good righteous girl. Later, she introduces her father, Sapienza (Giampiero Albertino), to our one man army. Casually, Nina & Sapienza will end up being the only friends Marco has in the film.

Second, Marco is looking for a job. For reasons unexplained he seems to be unemployed and completely out of money. Coincidentally, the fight he had with the lowlife mobsters, called the attention of Rico Manzetti (Luc Merenda), the real deal of the family, who happens to be looking for more capable men to help him with very illegal businesses, so as soon as he's back in town, he's granted a hitman job. In the past, Marco served as a soldier during the infamous Vietnam war, so he's more than proficient in martial arts, knives & fire guns.

Marco is in trouble dad.

You're going to work for the mafia, I can feel it Marco.

Third, Marco is not only a fantastic fighter, he's also a fantastic negotiator, and he's here to negotiate for himself and himself alone. The Manzettis have a long dispute with rival family, The Belmondos, you see, they both want to control the city but each group has equal force, so a gentlemen agreement is the only way out. However, Marco knows how to play his cards, so he uses this agreement for his own benefit. From then on, the film becomes an action packed revenge tale that keeps on getting better scene after scene.

Stelvio Massi is considered one of the greatest directors in the Italian crime genre. The Last Round's producer is Gabriel Crisanti who was responsible for a series of notoriously sleazy exploitation flicks in the late 70's/early 80's--"Giallo a Venezia", "Malabimba", "Burial Ground", and "Patrick Lives Again" among others. In addition, Mariangela Giordano, Gianni Dei, and our muse Leonora Fani who've worked with Crisanti in other films, are all part of The Last Round's cast.

I'm rich and you're not, fuck you!

Shoot 'em down!

Whenever someone utters the name of Leonora Fani, they are instantly reminded of the sleaziest films she's worked in. Fani did it all in the 70's. She played a coming of age adolescent discovering sex, she masturbated in front of a kid (and even gave him a blowjob), she fell in love with a perv who drove her crazy, she played a girl who was into bestiality, and not to mention she was raped in several roles. Nevertheless, Il Conto e' Chiuso can easily be described as one of her few PG rated roles. When I watched this film for the first time I was like "great, she's playing an innocent blind girl, time to show some real acting skills" As a matter of fact, I for one, think Leonora Fani differs from most Italian sexploitation starlets because she can truly act. Nina's role, although minor, compared to other characters in the film, is a very challenging task. Playing a blind girl, is not that easy and believe you me, she kills it. Unfortunately, just as are you about to say "Yes, she's not naked in this one, she's only here for acting skills" you're reminded she was a sexploitation starlet known for being either fucked or raped in almost every movie she was in.

Mariangela Giordano, another Italian sexploitation regular, is also in the movie playing Rico's submissive wife, and Luisa Maneri plays her daughter Lisa. At the time The Last Round was filmed, she allegedly was 16 years old, thus making her topless sunbathing scene rather controversial. To make matters worse, Rico Manzetti (Luc Merenda's character) is sick and tired of his old wife, so he sends her into oblivion to die of starvation, while her under aged daughter is forced to take her place, if you know what I mean. In addition, the Argentinian TV star, Susana Giménez, has a minor role as a stripper and girlfriend of mafia boss Bobo Belmondo (Mario Brega) So, the gal value this movie has, increases by four.

Sunbathing.

Susana Giménez, Argentinian TV legend.

Although pretty much forgotten, The Last Round is a good example of a familiar story made fresh by the quality of its execution, as a stranger drifts into a decaying Italian industrial looking to settle an old score. But this violent modern-day (well, 1976) poliziotteschi is closer to Dashiell Hammett's Red Harvest than the first two films it inspired, Yojimbo and Fistful of Dollars, set in its own Italian Poisonville divided between two rival gangs that he soon sets against each other. Surprisingly, despite being directed by the sometimes more adequate than inspired Stelvio Massi, it's shot with striking visual imagination and remarkably fluid camera-work from Franco Delli Colli. The two leads are impressive too, with Luc Merendaa wonderfully effective and dapper villain and undefeated middleweight champion boxer and offscreen wife-beater and murderer Carlos Monzon a surprisingly effective leading man in the mould of a young Charles Bronson.

The movie was officially released in 2005 by NoShame on a fully functional Region 1 DVD. The release also featured an extra disc with the original soundtrack written by the legendary Spaghetti Western composer Luis Bacalov. Unfortunately, the DVD is currently out of print.

Here's the movie trailer:

Die Hinrichtung: Naked Massacre

2016-08-14T19:01:00.003-07:00

Bloody murders.

Naked Massacre is a 1976 murder nurse sexploitation filmed on Ireland but produced by an international effort of producers from France, Italy, West Germany (yes, there were two Germanies back in the day) & Canada. Originally titled Die Hinrichtung, which actually means "The Execution", the film is also known as Born for Hell. Released in 1976 in Canada & Italy, Naked Massacre would later premier in 1977 in West Germany and last but not least, in 1984 in the USA. Loosely based in the Richard Speck murders, today's entry follows the story of the mysterious Cain "Jimmy" Adamson (Mathieu Carrere) , a lonesome, apparently retired, Vietnam American soldier who's stranded in Belfast and looking for a way to make enough money to return to his home country. At the same time, political turmoil is causing the city to be under siege and a group of young dedicated nurses is working extra hours to help victims.

Naked Massacre is clearly a sleazy film blending nurseploitation, sexploitation, torture & murder genres all together in one hour and a half movie. Directed by Denis Heroux, and written by F.G. Ranger and the director himself, the film falls flat because the plot is too weak.

The stranger comes to town.

Innocent unaware nurses.

Even though the Richard Speck student-nurse murders took place in America, most of the movies inspired by the incident strangely enough were foreign. These include the disturbing Japanese film "Violated Angels", the relatively shocking ending to the ho-hum Italian giallo/sex romp "Slaughter Hotel", and perhaps to some extent even the Canadian proto-slasher flick "Black Christmas". This movie, however, is probably the closest in circumstances to the actual incident. Not that it doesn't make some unusual choices, especially for what is basically an exploitation film. It's set in Belfast, North Ireland, for instance, during the height of "the troubles" when bombs were exploding and Catholics, Protestants, IRA terrorists and British troops were fighting in the streets. Also, the murderer is an American Vietnam vet where the real Speck was merely a merchant marine. The movie doesn't do much with this though as the Speck character seems far more motivated by his wife's infidelities than any trauma he suffered in Vietnam, and any on-location realism that is achieved is ruined by the bad dubbing (the Irish and English nurses and American killer all speak in the same stilted continental accents of the usual gang of Euro-idiots that dubbed these things).

The movie was distributed mostly under the more lurid title "Naked Massacre", and after a strangely large amount of character development of both the nurses and the killer, it lives up to that title when they finally meet and he ties them up and starts bumping them off one by one. The real-life Speck only raped one of the nurses (although far more graphically than what is shown here), but the guy here sexually abuses nearly all of them (one of whom, perhaps in a nod to Sharon Tate, is even pregnant). The most lurid scene is when he forces two closeted lesbians to have sex with each other. Although, it's hard to do such a scene sensitively, this scene is handled even less sensitively than the similar scene in the much more infamous "Last House on the Left".

Alternate poster.

The VHS re-release fully available today!

The director, Denis Heroux, interesting enough, is French Canadian and got his start in superior "maple syrup porn" films like "Valerie" and "L'Initiation" but had his career ended when he was made the scapegoat for the failure of hack British producer Milton Subotsky's idiotic horror movie "The Uncanny". This film, made in the middle of his short career, shows an interesting but obviously declining talent. The cast includes Carol Laure and pretty Italian starlet Ely Galeani and obviously our current obsession Leonora Fani.

Unlike Nene, Leonora Fani's role is more of a supporting character rather than the lead. Jenny (Fani) is one of the youngest nurses and her story is that, her best friend is in love with her and later while the psycho is in their house, she's the third to die in his murdering hands.

Let me dry your pussy with my fingers Jenny.

We're best friends, don't be confused.

While, Cain's motives to enter the nurse boarding house are merely "to obtain enough money as to return to the USA" he's a fucking psycho, so instead of getting the money and leaving the girls alone, he sets on a twisted revenge against women just because. His background story is that he quit war and has his wife & daughter waiting for him at home. However, as the story develops, I honestly don't think he was telling the truth. Also, he doesn't seem to get it up unless, there's a big dose of violence beforehand. What clearly kills this movie, is the fact that our psycho murderer only has a knife as a weapon, while the 8 nurses could have easily taken him out with household artifacts for sure. In addition, once he enters their house, he isn't instantly violent, and doesn't seem to be really interested in anything but their money.

The torture, rape & murder scenes aren't shockingly graphic, and do not last long enough to disturb casual viewers of the genre. Nevertheless, the fact that these scenes cannot be shot with positive vibes, as little as they last, you totally get he's a murdering animal who couldn't care less about the women he's about to kill.

Say, how about a threesome?

69 her or die!

Cain seems to be depicted as a soldier gone nuts who was forced to quit his job for the sake of the mission. This isn't the first nor the last film to show this as a result of war trauma. First Blood, AKA Rambo is perhaps the most popular example of this. Take it or leave it! to some this diminishes the heroic image of the heroes of war, while to others it is a crude realistic look at what mass media won't tell you about being a hero.Anyways, Naked Massacre isn't about this, and the fact he's a soldier it's merely coincidental. Moreover, he could be fantasizing he's a soldier as there isn't enough on screen information pertaining his origin. Now, this film clearly doesn't care about expanding character development because the nurses, all eight of them, lack a background story too, they're just there, working at the local hospital, celebrating a birthday and a couple of them are apparently in love with each other.

Psycho Video, is VHS distribution company based on Maine, USA. Yes! you read that right, in 2016 there is an American VHS distribution company that sells online! They specialize in bringing obscure cult films back to life in the proper format you watched them for the first time in the 80's: VHS cassette tapes!! their idea is so radical, that currently all of their products are sold out. Now, they didn't pay us write this paragraph, I'm only telling you this because their first official release, was the Naked Massacre VHS restored tape in 2013.

Table for three please.

Leonora Fani, bushy bombshell.

Ely Galleani, another Italian starlet.

Overall, Naked Massacre doesn't live up to the myth other psycho killer films have. Certainly made to cash in from the success of other similar flicks, the film delivers BUT fucking dies at the very end. The final scene is like "what the fuck? did they run out of money already?" Usually, in a killer movie, we want to see the killer fucking shot to death, or die in some brutally satisfying way (Don't torture a Duckling is a very nice example for this) Still, there are far worse out there. Maybe advisable for Leonora Fani completists like myself and for those curious enough to waste an hour and a half of their lifetimes. As for our latest crusade, there are other films where Fani has the lead or at least more on screen time, so stay tuned because there's a lot more coming!

Here's the movie trailer:

Nené

2016-08-12T18:47:00.002-07:00

Coming of age.

A couple of reviews ago we started checking on the filmography of the beautiful Italian actress & model Leonora Fani. While we picked the sleazy disgusting Giallo a Venezia as the starter, we followed up with Pensione Paura, a much better film, worth watching by all audiences. Today, we keep on raising the bar and chose 1976's Nene as the next entry in our current cinephile obsession.

Nene premiered in 1976 on Italy (contrary to what the idiots at IMDB say), in 1978 on Germany and in 1979 on Colombia. There were no further screenings of the movie and people from other countries had to wait until there was a very limited VHS release of the film in the early 80's & a made for TV UK edition of the same film known as Sweet Adolescents. Nene would later be released on Region 2 DVD, and (I could be wrong) there is no info about an international release with proper subtitles, dubbing and region encoding as of yet.

Meet your new cousin: Nene.

But I'm still your number one? right, Ju?

Directed by Salvatore Samperi, who is considered one of Italy's best directors in the comedy-drama genre, Nene is a coming of age story that has nothing to do with the exploitation genre. The film is a masterpiece from start to finish, and you can tell you're watching serious business in the opening titles. Although, the internet states Leonora Fani's career was all about "B-Movies & sexploitation film" they clearly didn't watch this beautiful coming of age story. Overseas, Samperi is not that well known, people mostly know him for his exploitative Italian classic Malizia, yet most of his career remains rather forgotten due to God awful English dubs and exploitative marketing tricks that completely mislead the viewer (just think of the UK title "Sweet Adolescents")

This movie (just like Pensione Paura is) is set in the late 1940's, a few years after the trauma of WWII. However, The political events happening at that time in Italy are mostly kept in the background. The movie is told from a nine year old boy's perspective. His parents are both emotionally damaged from the deprivations of war. Little Ju (a fantastic acting work by Sven Valsecchi) is coming of age, and since he's surrounded by adults (save for her sister), he is constantly, and casually, a part of adult situations he doesn't fully understand. For instance, he accidentally watches his mother (Paola Senatore) giving his father (Ugo Tognazzi) a blowjob without understanding what's actually going on. The boy's larger awakening into adulthood, however, comes courtesy of his orphaned older cousin Nene (Leanora Fani in what is perhaps her best role ever), who comes to stay with his family. The teenage girl lets him sleep in her bed and confides him about her burgeoning sexuality and the illicit affair she is having with a local mulatto hood.

So, you're Nene.

Can we be the best of friends?

Obviously, this movie deals with topics everyone's been through in their childhood: falling in love with a cousin, trying to behave like an adult, discovering sexuality, etc. However, it has nothing to do with the borderline style of Maladolescenza (a film we've been asked to review a lot of times but, nope, not happening). This is a serious art film, not exploitation, so you're neither going to find any controversial scenes nor explicit behavior. In addition, the sexual awakening theme is taken good care with subtlety in mind. Nevertheless, some viewers may find a few scenes a bit disturbing, mostly because of what it's implied rather than for what it's shown. The 70's was definitely a unique decade in film making. There were no offended audiences and censorship was on permanent vacation thus allowing film makers to come up with some excellent films as well as some bloody disgusting ones.

The cinematography of Nene, in charge of Pasqualino De Santis, is nothing but a fantastic camera work that takes the best of the scenery where it was filmed. Such brilliant work is accompanied by an amazing soundtrack written by Francesco Guccino. Now, when it comes to acting, the presence of legendary Ugo Tognazzi as Ju & Pa's father serves the film well. He's truly a bad father in this one. Leonora Fani, as the lead role, clearly steals the show, this is her ultimate acting role, and I wonder why she didn't continue to film on this line of work instead of choosing sleazy sexploitation films. Sven Valsecchi & his sister Vittoria Valsecchi are two incredible very young actors, a pity their careers didn't last long. Last but not least, Paola Senatore (Ju & Pa's mother) became a full time porn actress!

Check mate!

When was the last time you took a bath Ju?

As for plot quality, within the comedic overall mood Nene has, there are several darker mood sub plots. For instance, the violent relationship Ju's mother has with his father. Also, the fact that his mum is always talking about old glory days and how wealthy she was before she became miserable thanks to her sorry marriage, is a sad example of a disfunctional family. What else? oh yeah, the love relationship Nene starts with Rodi (Alberto Cancemi). Rodi, being mulatto, is discriminated just because of his skin color (not much water under the bridge since this film premiered, right?) Also, the fact that Ju's family is poor as fuck due to WWII is another sub plot that plays along very well with the introduction of Nene to Ju's family. Nene's mum was German and had to run away because of the war, all the while his dying father will leave her almost an orphan girl. So, yeah, things are definitely complicated in Nene.

Overall, a fairly good movie with all the elements that make a good film according to stereotyped award winning standards. We all have lived the coming of age story where we're suddenly infatuated by an older friend or cousin. Unfortunately, I found no online trailers for this film, so today's entry will not end with the usual video section. Still, here's Leonora Fani's nude scenes of the film:

Nene & Rodi.

Bedtime.

Leonora Fani posing for Playmen.

Stay tuned! we still have several Leonora Fani films to review...

Le Notti del Terrore: Burial Ground, The Nights of Terror

2016-08-10T14:56:00.001-07:00

Deadlier than death itself!

While we are currently watching the remaining filmography of the hottie Leonora Fani, we check in our archives and found there are a few reviews waiting to be brought online since God knows when. Such is the case of Le Notti del Terrore AKA Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror. A 1981 zombie slasher that for the uninitiated may look like as if it was directed by Lucio Fulci, but no sir, it was not. However, the similarities or inspiration if you will, it's clearly there and director Andrea Bianchi is not afraid of coming up with something entirely new out of pure homage.

Reviewers out there, have criticized this film value, but as always, our job is, quoting Lion-O's "Sword of Omens, give me sight beyond sight" legendary quot, to see underneath and beyond every single element that makes a film worth watching entertainment, and Le Notti del Terrore will neither disappoint today's standard movie goer, nor film connoisseurs.

"Is there a Starbucks near here, I'm dying for a Latte"

Man made special effects!

This is the one. This is the one that puts them all to shame. Fulci, Romero, no one has ever made living-dead cinema seem so dark, gritty, and down right apocalyptic as Andrea Bianchi. Obviously less expensive than anything from those other guys, Burial Ground is certainly no more complicated than anything else from the genre, three horny as fuck couples and a weird man-child are invited into professor's Ayres to witness his latest discovery regarding an ancient stone. Unfortunately, they arrive too late because their host is horribly killed by recently awoken Zombies that live under his mansion for unexplained reasons. Unaware of what's to come, every couple is assigned a room by the professor's servants (also, unaware of his death) and what do you do inside a luxurious bedroom? you fuck! you fuck until you cum air bubbles! So, while all these couples were invited for this awesome science find, they don't really seem to give a damn about as long as they can fuck indoors & outdoors as they please. One of the characters, Evelyn (Mariangela Giordano) has a son that looks as creepy as the zombies they're about to meet. Anyways, this weirdo is somehow suffering from the Oedipus Complex (Sigmund Freud's way of saying a child could have sexual desires for his parents, in this case mother) and that will add extra creepiness to the overall value of the film.

The first twenty minutes of this epic mostly involves the giddy couples spouting ridiculous dialogue, flirting with each other, and frolicking about with not a care in the world, until it happens, the dead are coming back to life, and unfortunately, for some reason, there are a dozen or so rotted corpses buried in the garden. As bad as the English voice-overs are, they do a great job at sounding terrified once the madness begins. Probably more powerful than it was meant to be, Burial Ground gives you the strong impression that these dozens of zombies, some of which resemble the Toxic Avenger, just might take over the world after they're done with these guys. Burial Ground is a prime example of grainy, bad film quality unintentionally enhancing the horror quality. Some scenes, you cant even make out what's going on. Although the sci-fi-ish sound effects are out of place (there are even some screaming sounds where the actresses are actually not doing that on scene), it adds an apocalyptic feel that makes things seem even more hopeless and dismal. Some how, the unintentional humor doesn't overshadow any of this. Calling Burial Ground creepy would be an insult, nightmarish would be a good start.

What the fuck is that!? I only came here to suck dick!!

Hungry? grab a snickers!

What makes this movie so interesting 35 years later, is the fact the Bianchi did a fantastic job worrying about the one thing that matters in a horror film: Scary scenes, disgusting monsters, graphic violence and helpless characters. Burial Ground is a pretty straight forward film and there are no wasted on screen minutes explaining the science behind these zombies, as well as no deep character development. Just the right amount of spice to make you like the characters and root for them when they're in danger.

The zombie genre is clearly meant to entertain those who know how to watch this kind of movies, you see, we could easily escape zombies that walk slowly and move clumsily. Also, everyone knows shooting them in the head or decapitating them, instantly solves the problem. Nevertheless, our characters always have little to rely on, spending most of the movie time being defenseless. Still, how come they never decide to get out of the house, or run somewhere else away from this deadly bunch of snails? See! a movie goes down to the bottom of shittiness if we start applying real life science facts.

Boner!

Why won't you blow me mum?

However, the zombies in Burial Ground are not your average zombie. They can use tools to attack you, or they can even notice when they're outgunned. They move slow like most Zombies do, but they are smarter than you think. As a matter of fact, they can even disguise to confuse their victims! Also, they seem to be some kind of long gone secret religious cult, but I'll leave that for you to find out once you watch it yourselves.

The special effects are all man made, no CGI shit of any kind. The zombies look so disgusting, they even feature living worms inhabiting their skulls, and they somehow resemble mummified corpses (yes, I've been to museums too, I'm no couch potato) So you may not want to dip Nachos while watching Burial Ground. The movie was made in only four weeks on location in a real Italian castle. The workshop scenes were filmed on the same location for Dario Argento's Inferno. Although this flick premiered in 1981 in Italy & Germany, it was actually filmed a year before. Burial Ground was released in different years on different countries: 1983 on Spain, and in 1985 on Mexico and the USA. An official Region 2 DVD premiered on 2011 on Finland. In addition, Burial Ground was starred by Gianluigi Chirizzi & Mariangela Giordano, some of the most prominent actors & actresses of the Italian exploitation genre

Can you undress a bit more? do it for art!

Yum! a couple of unaware horny teens.

The darkness of this masterpiece goes far beneath the dark, grainy quality of the film, even when they show a sunny day, all I see in this film is darkness, things just seemed doomed from the very beginning, and that, exploitation fans, is the makings for true horror. Burial Ground stands next to the best Italian gore films, and that is next to The Beyond and Beyond the Darkness, Burial Ground has no equal. The only thing I can recommend more than this, is this on VHS, the film quality is even worse, the sky looks almost pink. VHS really brings out "that look" that the DVD format has ruined. Now, I know asking for a VHS tape on this day an age maybe a bit too much, but I' m sure you know about VHS-Rips.

Overall, Burial Ground, is a feast of Gore, nudity,incest creepiness and more importantly, a feast of real horror, featuring the most disgusting Zombies you can find. The Walking Dead? ha,ha,ha, gimme a break, will ya?!

Here's the movie trailer:

Pensione Paura: Hotel Fear

2016-08-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

War makes people go nuts.

Pensione Paura, AKA Hotel Fear is a 1977 World War II Italian film focused on civilians and how they cope with surviving one of the most disturbing events in recent human history. Although the film was internationally released as "Hotel Fear" and even as "Motel Fear" let me clarify one thing for you: a Pensione is neither a hotel nor a motel. In a Pensione (very common in Italy, Spain & Latin America) you can rent a room for a living while enjoying sharing breakfast, lunch & dinner with the other hosts. In other words, a three star (at most) hotel where you can feel at home while you share a family relationship with your people next door. Linguistical explanations set aside, this movie is starred by the astonishingly beautiful Italian goddess Leonora Fari, and unlike Giallo a Venezia, this film is far more easy on the eye, and a wider audience can enjoy it.

Pensione Paura is not listed in any of the usual "must see" giallo lists from the internet, but believe you me, is worth the try. From what I researched on the web, this film never opened overseas when it premiered in 1977. In addition, there's an out of print region 2 DVD release of the film by Mondo Home Entertainment some years ago. Still, that version doesn't feature neither English dubbing nor subtitles on any language. Nevertheless, there are fan subs out there. If your internet knowledge is as good as your movie taste, I'm sure you'll know where to find it.

Rosa's mother is dead. Was she murdered?

an odd farewell kiss.

Now, let's get down to business, circa 1945, in a small Italian village near Rome, a mom and her daughter run an old pensione house, with peeling plaster and bricked windows a plenty, the setting is a sign of what War can do to innocent people. Rosa (Leonora Fani), is amazingly beautiful and innocent, handling the "teenage" role very well in spite of her evidently adult curves and prominent pubes. The rogue's gallery of the pensione include a drunk man-servant, a balding, lonely piano player, a Burt Reynolds type and his older fiancee, a horny fat guy and his two slutty girlfriends, plus a man who doesn't want to be found. The camera work, as well as the way the director manages the usage of color and shades, instantly denote an artsy overall feel. The fact that every pensione's guest is somehow weird, unstable and/or straight crazy is a clear metaphor to what war does to civilian people. Desperation and the sense of having lost it all with no bright future left, is the general mood of the pensione's inhabitants.

The mysteriously hidden man is Rosa's mother's lover, and he remains hidden to the rest of the guests and also hidden to Rosa. You see, Rosa is waiting for his father. His father is serving Italy as an airplane pilot, and while everyone, including her mom, think he died long ago, Rosa refuses to let go of his father's promise of coming home once the war is over.

My father will return and punish you all.

The all seeing eye.

All of a sudden, Rosa's mum falls off the stairs and dies, which leaves the comely Rosa no other choice but to run the family business alone. This proves to be rather difficult since now that her mother is dead, every man in the house openly lusts after her. Evidently, and accidentally at the same time, Rosa is turning out to be a bombshell adult without noticing it. Still, that's no excuse for dirty abusive old men to harass her. And that's not all that's afoot. There's a shadowy killer stalking the corridors and dripping staircases.

Enter a few gangsters who stir things up. A wandering Rosa starts hearing and seeing things she shouldn't, which helps the story along. This movie reminded me of Suspiria, mainly with color use and voyeuristic point of view shots, plus a few eyeball close ups. The score occasionally picks up and dazzles.

Rosa's in love with Guido.

Unnamed scumbag.

Although, every hotel inhabitant eventually dies, this film doesn't play as your average Giallo. There are no graphic violence/murder scenes (well, there's one) and the murder story plays at the very end of the film as a very coincidental thing product of complete causality. However, and since Rosa is the main character, she's the object of desire of every men in the pensione but, there is this one motherfucking son of a bitch (picture above) that has been harassing poor Rosa since the beginning of the film. As a matter of fact, he may have been directly involved with her mother's death since he was told to leave the pensione as soon as possible. Anyways, this son of a bitch is dating an old woman named Marta (busty MILF Lidia Biondi) and, well he's probably the worst of the worst in the pensione. The sole reason he's fucking this grandma is because she's promised to reveal him, the exact location of a few diamonds she's hidden somewhere in the pensione. This motherfucker, is a complete lowlife, his determination to get things his way, even bring a couple of gangsters in the pensione, and believe it or not, he finds a way to use Marta to help him get Rosa into her room and fuck her!!

Fortunately, director Francesco Barilli, knows how to film a controversial scene with taste. While the rape scene is very brief, the amount of violence seen is not excessive, and according to today's standards, it is fairly respectful towards female audiences. In addition, most of the nude scenes where Rosa is involved, are about either dressing up or undressing. Remember she's playing an under aged character, and intends to play it as realistic as possible (according to the 1940's standards at least)

People die, eventually.

Hero of the day.

Leonora Fani stills the show on this movie, she clearly displays all of her acting skills with ease in every scene she's in. Despite playing a younger character, you totally buy Rosa is a teenage poor thing. Another interesting element, is the fact that after she loses her mum, she's completely alone, even when the rape happens, a couple of motherfucking guests, hear the whole thing and do nothing at all! Every inhabitant of the pensione has grown cynical for reasons unknown, so although they all live together, they mind their own businesses only.

Overall, Pensione Paura, starts slow at first, but once the first hour is over, the true plot unravels leaving no room for filler scenes. In a nutshell, this film is the story of Rosa, a young teenage loner trying to survive WWII while trying to cope with disgusting characters. Everyone should watch this movie, since it features a unique look at those who stay home while the rest of your family and friends have to go to war.

Tired of reading? well then, enjoy Leonora Fani's immense beauty:

Rosa.

Young and beautiful.

Hairy times.

Here's the original Italian movie trailer:

And here's the online version of the film thanks to YouTube, and don't mind the Italian language because, you have English & French subtitles available:

Giallo a Venezia: Mystery in Venice

2016-08-04T15:02:00.002-07:00

Not as bad as they say.

If our previous entry was all about making a movie with class, today's entry is the complete opposite. By the late 70's the Giallo genre was replaced by gory horror films, and even famous Giallo film makers had moved on into the new genre of graphic violence and demonic plots. However, director Mario Landi still believed the genre had plenty of potential to exploit, hence today's infamous film in review: Giallo a Venezia, AKA Mystery in Venice is a 1979 hard to find bizarre movie that according to other critics, is best enjoyed while high on drugs and drunk as fuck.

Starred by Italian nude model & actress Leonora Fani, Giallo a Venezia, as the title already suggests, is a movie about a murderer in Venice. Before we get into details, let's say this movie was never released overseas, ever. During the 80's the only chance of watching it was by finding the bootleg VHS tapes circulating in some countries outside Europe. So for years, cult cinema fans had to deal with awful fan-subbed versions plus watching the movie in discolored stained video quality, and let's not forget missing scenes and the worst tracking issues a VCR could face. Today, almost forty years after the theatrical release of this film, finding a VHS bootleg is impossible. Nevertheless, some bootleggers digitized the VHS and uploaded it somewhere on the internet. The problem is, that version is also nearly impossible to download, so what's left for those interested in watching this odd film? well, say no more friends! the film will finally get it's first official release ever!!!! and I'm not talking DVD, but pristine HD Blu Ray disc! Although there is no date yet, this link says it'll come to your nearest store by late 2016.Now, if your sleazy cravings are too high, you can watch a fan made remastered version of the film via YouTube (at the bottom of this read)

A mysterious dead couple is found.

Professionals are in the case.

Before we get into the full review of this odd cult film, let me tell you my fellow connoisseurs that a recent scientific research conducted by the Poetics journal has concluded B movie AKA thrash cinema viewers enjoy an above-average education due to being "cultural omnivores" interested in watching films that are not part of what's trendy or popular these days, what do you know? You can read more about the research here.

Giallo a Venezia is seen as one of the ugliest and sleaziest giallos you could ever hope to see. Plot wise there is very little to say, but a few surprises by the end of the film saves it from being considered as a gratuitous softcore sex film. Anyways, two dead bodies are found at the edge of a canal in Venice. The police start asking friends of the late couple for clues, but as soon as they start their investigations, more dead bodies start piling up. What is the connection, and out of all the unsavory characters that appear on the screen, does any of them have a clear alibi (or conscience)?

Detective De Paul eats boiled eggs at work.

I'm here to tell you what I know about Flavia.

The dead couple are at the center of the plot, and the film consists of many flashbacks in which we see how the husband took pleasure in humiliating and sexually abusing his timid wife (something today's cinema standards couldn't possibly allow). The poor actress who plays Flavia (Leonora Fani) suffers the indignity of being stripped naked and roughed up in nearly every scene she appears. Worse still, her husband Fabio (Gianni Dei) is a fucking degenerate who forces her into orgies, having sex with unknown men in the streets and leaves her alone when she's about to cum. What a fucking prick! In addition, the sex scenes for every character in the movie are mostly about men forcing women into sex, so there is a darker tone implying women are abused up to the point they start enjoying it!! Obviously, a cinema cliché that didn't age well, and that is fortunately no longer used (unless, you're watching a porno)

The sex scenes are 75% of the films running time! Other than that, we have to sit through the police force carrying out their investigations which is kinda boring, even with the running gag of the main inspector eating hard boiled eggs in every scene (why? who knows... It must be an Italian thing), and some half hearted attempts by director Mario Landi to spin a web of mystery around the proceedings. what makes this even more ridiculous is the fact that most of the sex scenes are flashbacks explained by people who knew the dead couple in order to, well, help with the investigation. "Yes, Mr. De Paul I think it's vital you know Flavia diddled her skiddle frequently and, oh! there was this one time she gave a handjob to a random adolescent passing by her place"

Happy forever after?

You know, I haven't cum yet Fabio.

So that just leaves ...the murders. And just as the director manages to make all the sex scenes ugly, violent towards women, unpleasant and graphic, Landi cuts no corners with the violence either. So prepare yourself for some very grim scenes of violence. Although the scenes are not dwelled on in loving detail like they are in a Lucio Fulci gore flick, they all seem to have a very nasty flavor to them. Scissor stabbings to the crotch and a human torch are two that spring to mind. Oh wait, did I say the gore is not dwelled on? Sorry I forgot the film's gore "highlight' in which victim has their leg sawed off while tied to the kitchen table. I have seen a lot of graphic gore but I found this intensely unpleasant. I think it's because it's just all sort of...thrown at you. No artistry to speak of, just events. Besides, the constant screaming of the actresses is really disturbing, I mean, you're like "oh fuck, they're abusing the character beyond good taste" My wife hated this film, mostly because of the way women are portrayed and treated, and I couldn't agree more. Nevertheless, we have to understand exploitation films are called that because they rely on elements that are usually either appealing or shocking to the audience, in order to make you leave the theater with a blatant "Fucking fuck! this film was bloody disgusting, I better tell my friends about it" Hence, this and many other movies ended up being classified as "video nasties" for ages to come.

In today's world, where we're offended almost every minute of the day, making a movie like Giallo a Venezia would be completely impossible. This isn't the sleazy 70's anymore, and despite the fact I love music, fashion, series & movie from that decade, things have changed for the better. The way we see the world today, specially the way we see women today, is where we'd like to stay for sure.

I'll do this myself.

Everyone is naked in their kitchens.

However, the plot isn't as bad as everyone on the internet has lead you to believe. Spoilers ahead (yeah right! in a 37 years old film!) The investigation is following a serial killer but, has found no connection whatsoever between the recent murders and the dead couple. The police tries everything, drug use, vengeance, cheating husbands, orgy clubs and simply cannot come up with the missing piece to solve the puzzle. Here's where Aldo Serio's script adds a touch of decency to the film. By the very end of the film, once detective De Paul has apprehended the serial killer (a philosophy student, what do you know?) they're revealed this blood craving fucker didn't kill the couple. So, the only chance left is a mysterious artist who paints murder art pieces very similar to the dead couple's crime scene. Well, guess what? he didn't kill them either!

The thing is, to fully understand Mario Landi's vision on this film, you have to go through all the shocking scenes until the very end. Since Flavia was not a sex craving maniac, she never quite liked the way Fabio, his sick husband treated her, specially when it came to matters pertaining sex. She was constantly abused because this motherfucker liked watching her wife being fucked by other men. So, when he asks her to fuck a couple of random men, near the canal where the bodies were found, well, she can't avoid the abusive fucking but, once his husband is already turned on by what he just saw, she fucking stabs him several times until he dies. She screams several times "I hate you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you" Once she's done, she decides to commit suicide by drowning in the canal. So, in the end, like many other sexploitation films, the girl gets the revenge she deserves.

Philosophy turns into a psycho.

Reflections of death.

The special effects are really poor, making the gory scenes a joke. The soundtrack is typical for the decade with some jazzy funky tunes written by Berto Pesano who is clearly an Ennio Morricone enthusiast. The scenery, displays the beauty of Venice in several scenes. The acting is nowhere near good, except for the roles played by women who clearly, portray the suffering of abusive men.

Overall, a very sleazy film who's long gone for reasons. If you're OK with simulated violence toward women on film, you may find it worth watching. I for one, rate it a "meh" You can clearly tell, the producers tried too hard to rely only on exploitative scenes to come up with an entire movie.

On a more positive side, here some photos of the beautiful Leonora Fani. We will be reviewing more of her films, just take a deep breath because her filmography has the word shocking all over.

Italian Bush.

Smoking kills, y'know.

There's no movie trailer to show here but some guy took the time to "restore" the VHS bootleg and uploaded it on YouTube:

Le foto proibite di una signora per bene: Forbidden Photos of a Lady above Suspicion

2016-08-02T18:51:00.002-07:00

Sucking unknown dicks.

Following our Italian roots, today's entry is a very different kind of Giallo. Can a Giallo be a PG rated film? Can a Giallo lack graphic violence scenes? Can a Giallo lack gratuitous nudity? Well, apparently director Luciano Ercoli answered those questions with a stunning "Yes, it can!" Le Foto Proibite di una Signora per Bene (The Forbidden Photos of a Respectable Lady) AKA Forbidden Photos of a Lady Above Suspicion is a 1970 "clean" Giallo you should watch with your kids, grandparents and pets all together, while zipping A&W root beer. Nevertheless, this film isn't a Disney roller coaster ride. After all, it's about murder, cheating, blackmailing and fucking, just like any other Giallo would be about.

Forbidden Photos of a Lady above Suspicion is a Giallo that is different to what most fans will be used to, as the graphic, over the top murder scenes have been scrapped in favor of a sexually charged, yet not graphic, plot line. Starred by German redhead Dagmar Lassander & Spanish-Italian brunette Nieves Navarro. Although they have both worked in many Italian sexploitation films where nudity was required, in FPOALAS, they never share a second of their bare humanity, which leads me into thinking it was Luciano Ecoli's conscious decision to film this movie with a more delicate eye, avoiding any exploitative filming trick.

Just chillin'

Are you gonna fuck me or what?

The film works wonders, thanks to Ernesto Gastaldi's clever script, that manages to keep most of the elements that make a movie a recognizable Italian Giallo but the above mentioned items. The movie's atmosphere is charged with desire and frustration, and the plot; which features blackmailing, sex and mystery, makes best use of its array of amoral and perverse characters. The film focuses on Minou(Lassander); the attractive wife of a businessman named Peter. The story picks up when Minou is attacked by a stranger on a lonely late night beach walk. The mysterious man reveals Minou, his husband is a murdering bastard and then disappears as quickly as he run into our lady in distress. Obviously, Minou is immediately affected by the apparent sexual harassment and runs into his husband telling him everything that happened but saving the murdering bastard info for later. For reasons unknown, she somehow mistrusts her significant other.

Later we're introduced to Dominique (Navarro) Minou's sophisticated slutty best friend and that's it. The film revolves around 4 characters from start to finish: Minou, her husband Peter(Pier Paoli Capponi), Dominique and the mysterious unnamed blackmailer. I know what you're thinking "with such few characters, I'm sure the mystery will be solved pretty quickly due to the predictability fact that one of the characters is hiding more than meets the eye" Well, yes and no.

Two best friends checking porno photos.

I can't believe it was you in that bukkake photo.

This movie works mainly because of the acting. Dagmar Lassander was one of the better actresses to appear in giallo, second only to Edwige Fenech at playing these hysterical, beleaguered victim roles. Even better is Nieves Navarro as her sex-hungry best friend who has pornographic pictures taken of herself and says at one point, after Lassender's character confides about her near rape, that she would have "adored being violated" (there's a kind of refreshingly politically incorrectness to the ridiculous dubbed dialogue of these movies). She is such a dubious and ambiguous character that even at the end it is not clear whether she is a loyal friend to the protagonist or an unexposed villain.

The director, Luciano Ercoli, is the Italian husband of former Spanish model Navarro. He made several other giallo, all featuring his wife, but this is probably the one where he made the best use of her. He is no Dario Argento or even Sergio Martino, but his direction is certainly adequate. The screenwriter, Ernesto Gastaldi, contributed scripts for any number of these pictures and he puts forth a pretty decent and suspenseful one here. This movie is kind of hard to find right now, but it is worth seeing if you like these kind of movies.

a Tape recorder with microphone.

Cassette tapes are making a come back guys!

Luciano Ercoli can be called many things. He might not be the most innovative director, but he definitely is the king of fashion, with all the women dressed up in some truly outrageous '70s outfits. His muse Nieves Navarro in particular parades through the film in some truly skimpy outfits, resulting in unintentional campyness. When talking camp, watch the dancing scene in the club in the beginning of the film with Dagmar Lassander. In God's heaven, this is one tacky dancing scene we're watching. All the men are in suits, the women are outrageously dressed, the music is a hallucinate boggle of easy-listening tunes James Last wouldn't even dare to come up with and the way they dance (how do you even dance to this kind of music?) is truly a perfect showcase of tacky '70s euro-nonsense. Guilty. Case closed. Still, it's a complete riot when watching it now and that's probably why I enjoy these films so much.

In all his three Gialli, FORBIDDEN PHOTOS, DEATH WALKS ON HIGH HEELSand DEATH WALKS AT MIDNIGHT, Ercoli presents his story from a female perspective, but they are presented as utterly helpless when dealing with the various male perpetrators and chauvinist male detectives surrounding them. Even husbands or boyfriends, or any male capable of help turns out to be just as malevolent as all the blackmailers, wife-beaters and murderers. Nudity level and body count are extremely low, but as a mystery it's actually much more effective than most Gialli, stylishly filmed, well acted and permeated with intrigue, blackmail and fetishistic violence, supported by a groovy Ennio Morricone score. Although graphic violence is restricted to a minimum, Dagmar Lassanderhas to undergo quite the ordeal with a mire of sedatives, alcohol and sleazy sex and strange conversations with the assertive bisexual figure of Nieves Navarro. She repeatedly keeps hearing from all male characters: "Get undressed!"

I wonder who's fucking him now.

Don't worry Minou, it's only anal.

Luciano Ercoli is never going to get huge respect from Giallo fans simply for the fact that he hasn't made a great deal of films; but it seems that the ones he has made get rated down too often, and just like Death Walks at Midnight - Forbidden Photos is an underrated Giallo. The director does an excellent job of ensuring that Forbidden Photos fits the plot in terms of look and style. The lighting and scene setting is excellent, and the upper class locations bode well with the central cast of characters. The acting is also surprisingly high quality with Dagmar Lassander impressing in the lead role. She is joined by Pier Paolo Capponi who takes the sinister role of her husband, while the cast is rounded off by the talented Nieves Navarro AKA Susan Scott. The bisexual element of Scott's character fits the film well, and provides more perversion to the already sleazy atmosphere. The plot is significantly less convoluted than most Giallo's, but if you ask me; this is a good thing as it allows the director to put all the implications of the story across without being bogged down by plot details.

Dagmar Lassander.

Nieves Navarro.

Overall, this is a great Giallo film and while I know that it's high praise - I really wouldn't hesitate to list it alongside Gastaldi's collaborations with Sergio Martino in a list of premium Giallo films. Highly recommended!

Here's the movie trailer:

Reazione a Catena: a Bay of Blood

2016-07-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Even for slashers there's a first time.

2016 is proving to be a very sad year for fans of pop culture as they're seeing their precious childhood memories butchered by heartless Hollywood producers. Before I decided to review Rezione a Catena I watched Batman: The Killing Joke hoping to find a fantastic animated adaptation of Alan Moore & Bryan Azarello's groundbreaking graphic novel, I found nothing but a kitsch parody, just like our previous entry.

You know who else butchers? Every character from today's review! Mario Bava's masterpiece, Reazione a Catena (Chain Reaction) AKA a Bay of Blood AKA Twitch of the Death Nerve is one of those films that deserve to wear the "unique" ribbon label from our humble blog. How many movies have you watched where every single character in it gets killed in the most brutal possible way? How many movies have you watched that hold the title of first slasher film ever? fasten your seat belts for today's review!

A death rich lady.

an all-seeing eye.

The definition of a horror film hasn't been the same since Reazione a Catena premiered in 1971, and chances of its influence ever completely receding are next to nil. The first film to exploit its body-count as the main reason for viewing, the flick even hits the ground running (or wheeling rather), with the first two of its thirteen ghastly murders occurring in the first scene alone. Besides the high mortality rate of the characters, and Bava's diabolical tunnel vision of the carnage, another not so easily noticeable (yet perhaps most lasting) influence of this film reliance on set pieces to reach its sadistic goal. Every murder is methodically, systematically designed for optimum shock, and the film's cameraman (Bava himself), art director, actors, writers, editors, FX men, etc., all play their crucial and individual parts to perfection each time, thereby making each piece stand alone like masochistic movements in a sadistic symphony.

Said actors run the gamut from fallen icons of World Cinema (like Isa Miranda), and ex-Bond Girls (Thunderball's Claudine Auger), to Laura Betti, and a Brechtian spaghetti western star (Luigi Pistilli). The writers include none other than Dardano Sacchetti, who had just recently penned Argento's Cat O' Nine Tails, and would go on to give Lucio Fulci one of the finest scripts of his career – The Beyond. Carlo Rambaldi, who would go on to win two Oscars for Alien and E.T., created the then-state-of-the-art special effects. I suppose I should mention the story line, which is often attacked for being inconsequential, illogical, irrational, impossible to sort out, or simply the odious ex machina to simply get from one murder to another. I find it all pretty simple to explain myself – I don't see what's so difficult to understand. Bava's penchant for cynicism and his fascination with humanity's dark side has never been more apparent than on this film, whose plot concerns greed, real estate, the raping of the environment, and revenge.

I wanna buy that bay no matter the cost honey.

The smell of death is upon us, dear.

All the action transpires around a beautiful, undeveloped bay and its surrounding picturesque landscape/acreage, whose owner (Isa Miranda)has been murdered. Those who wish to convert the entire area into a fashionable resort now threaten the forests and natural life. But just who is the real heir to this potential fortune now? And who won't stop at nothing to own it all, or to preserve the land's natural state. Throw in some sex-crazed teenagers who stumble and wander where they shouldn't belong, and you've got the makings for wholesale slaughter. Beheadings, faces cleaved in two, necks gouged apart, bodies run through with spears & tridents, flying pots of boiling water, hangings, strangulations, bodies being blown to shotgun bits – Reazione a Catena's got it all! Video Watchdog's Tim Lucas said it best, "…the horror genre had seen nothing quite like it before – and it's seen very little unlike it ever since." Touché. As with his work on I Vampiri and Black Sunday, Bava likely had no idea that what he was making would change the course of horror film history. Reazione a Catena was a film for which Bava was especially proud – the body count, the blatantly offensive amorality, the over-indulgent carnality, and the ludicrous lump of unlikable characters.

All these things were purposeful commentary on Bava's part – to take a stab at the industry, the genre; to see what he could do with a little bit of money; to push the envelope; to push the buttons and watch people's reactions. Such are valid and fun reasons for doing what he did. Little did Bava know that this film's genius would be singularly responsible for a whole bevy of '80s crap, including Friday the 13th,Part II's blatant theft of two of Twitch's death scenes. Argento's Birdand Bava's Reazione a Catena were the nails in the coffin for the first half of Italian Horror's heyday. The dark, alluring fantasies were now gone. No longer would the plots be semi-innocent, or quasi-Victorian. No more wandering through fogged graveyards and abandoned castles. Though Bava continued to make some work of merit in the '70s (Baron Blood, Lisa and the Devil), never again would he find himself at the forefront of the genre he almost single-handedly created. The future belonged to perversion, degeneracy, gore, hysteria, cannibalism, Teutonic witches, zombies and Goblins…lots and lots of Goblins.

Death is here to stay.

The very first teens to be slashed on the big screen.

The story has it, legendary film maker Dario Argento loved the film so much, he had a friend (who was a projectionist) steal him a print of the film during its first run in Italy. The theater ended up showing Blood Brides (1970) to replace the stolen print for the remainder of the film's run there (about a week and a half according to Argento. He possesses the print to this day).

The film not only had numerous release titles, but also several working titles throughout the production. Among them "The Stench of Flesh", "Thus Do We Live To Be Evil" and "That Will Teach Them To Be Bad". "Reazione a catena" was the final choice for the local release.

One of the re-release titles for this film was "The Last House on the Left Part II", even though this film has nothing to do with Wes Craven's The Last House on the Left (1972). In fact it was made a year earlier than "Last House".

Splitting headache.

Together forever.

The origin of the film was Mario Bava's desire to work with Laura Betti again. Betti had previously appeared in Bava's Blood Brides (1970) and the two had gotten along so well they concocted the premise of this film for another project together.

The film's low budget resulted in Mario Bava being his own cinematographer. He had to utilize a simple child's wagon for the film's many tracking shots. Due to the film's low budget, most of the locations in the film belonged to director Mario Bava or members of the crew. The interiors of Countess Federica's home was shot at a favorite villa of Bava's and the interiors of Frank Ventura's country house were shot at a summer home owned by the producer.

The 1971 Avoriaz Film Festival jurors awarded the film the Best Makeup and Special Effects Award. Carlo Rambaldi's effects work also earned the film a "Special Mention" Award at the prestigious Sitges Festival in 1971.

That's the biggest cock I've ever seen!

I better hurry to get some Vaseline to stick it in with ease.

Although nudity is one of the key elements in a slasher film, Reazione a Catena only features a single scene where we are able to see gorgeous men magazine model Brigitte Skay sporting nothing but her curves and blonde pubes. Coincidentally, her character is the first to witness something terribly wrong is going on near the abandon mansion but just before she's able to tell her friends about it, she's bloodily terminated, and so will her friends. Brigitte passed away in 2012 at the age of 72. During the 70's she would star several Italian exploitation films such as Man of the Year (1971), San Babila 8 P.M.(1976) & La Bestia in Calore (1977) among others.

According to IMDB, Reazione a Catena is probable the number one film of all time to have a lot of different international titles. Some of the titles are: A bay of Blood, Blood Bath, Bloodbath Bay of Death, The Antecedent, Blood Bay, Twitch of the Death Nerve, Carnage, The Last House on the Left II & Ecology of a Crime, not to mention titles in other languages!

Brigitte Skay, the blonde bombshell.

You got something on your sweater, let me get it for you.

Overall, Reazione a Catena is a film that goes straight to the point. With a very simple plot involving every character in one way or another, this film is a total murder feast that I'm sure slasher fans and connoisseurs in general have already watched many, many times. If you've never heard about this movie but enjoy watching Giallo movies and horror movies from the late 70's and early 80's this film is definitely for you. If you've never watched a slasher before (I doubt it in 2016 but...) This film would be a great appetizer to a very interesting genre.

In case you're concerned about the murder scenes and how graphic they are, well, there are far worse than Reazion a Catena if you're faint of the heart.

Anyways, here's the movie trailer, and please make sure you watch it in Italian because the English dub isn't the best.

Ghostbusters 2016

2016-07-22T21:06:00.003-07:00

Who you're not gonna call?

Alright, while our latest entries have all been about cult Italian cinema, We decided to take a break from the wonderful film makers from Pasta country and decided to give a try to Ghostbusters 2016. Hated even before its conception, this new take on the 80's nostalgia classic already has four Teen Choice Awards nominations: Best summer movie, best male movie star (Chris Hemsworth) and two best female movie star (Melissa MacCarthy & Kristen Wiig) meaning absolutely nothing, cause awards are just that, awards. Whether this film nails one or the four nominations, is irrelevant, and in words of legendary Grunge rocker Eddie Vedder "I don't know if this means anything" (referring to the one time Pearl Jam won a Grammy for the "Spin the Black Circle" single in 1994) Art shouldn't take part in a popularity contest but, is Ghostbusters 2016 art? Let's find out!

First of all, the troll rage this film suffered was out of this world! I mean, how can people criticize something they haven't seen before! Man! the world is crazy fucked! and not even the entertainment industry is safe from bigotry. The original Ghostbusters film are remembered as 80's cult items! people worship these films as if they were some kind of twisted religion, so you better not mess up with my original films! Honestly, what a bunch of crap! is it because there's four women in the lead roles? is it because there are no original characters returning from the 80's on their wheelchairs and adult diapers? is it just because? is it because fuck you? Seriously, nobody cares. Movies are a personal experience, just like sex or music, so despite the fact this blog posts opinions about films, we always encourage you, the viewer to take matters on your own and decide according to your enjoyment what's to like and what's not to like.

Girl power.

You can't sit with us.

Anyways, here goes nothing Ghostbusters 2016 is the reboot nobody was asking for, and that is not because the movie is bad, it's just the same thing that is happening to other movies, series, cartoons & anime from the 70's, 80's or 90's: They happened in a very different world, with a very different kind of fandom. Most grown ups, would say "those were the days" when it comes to comparing what they had as growing kids, with what today's kids have now. Maybe this movie, is like the Ninja Turtles movies, or the Transformers movies: Not for everyone, specially not for those deeply infatuated by nostalgia and/or retro pop culture. If you want to see "the real thing" as hardcore fans would say, well, grab those DVDs and play them for the 100th time on your DVD player. Nevertheless, there are interesting cameos and great references to the original films (I won't spoil them for you here)

The movie opens with a quick explanation on who is who in this new film. Erin Gilbert (Kristen Wiig), quantum physics teacher is the new "Peter Venkman", she's written a paranormal activity book about her beliefs in Ghosts along with Abby Yates (Melissa MacCarthy) who is replacing the original "Ray Stanz" character. Some random meaningless character ask them out to check an apparently haunted mansion, and there they meet their first real life (or real dead?) ghost. Aided by do-it-yourself technology geek Jillian Holtzman (Kate McKinnon) who evidently pays homage to the cartoon version of "Egon Spengler" they embark on their quest to show the world ghosts are real. Later they're joined by Patty Tolan (Leslie Jones) who experienced paranormal activity in her former job and eventually resembles and fills "Winston Zeddemore" position in the team. Once they realize they will need extra help, they hire Kevin (Chris Hemsworth) a lazy as fuck secretary that resembles nothing the original Janine Melnitz.

The new proton pack.

The new ECTO-1.

The plot is pretty straight forward: some wacko has built a device capable of creating a portal between the world of the living and the world of the dead, and the new Ghostbusters must find a way to stop him before it's too late and the world is taken over by ghosts. Now, if we talk retro Ghostbusters, whether is the two films or the cartoon, the plots didn't differ from this new take. The cartoon ended up being derivative but that didn't stop producers from trying new animated series.

I think this reboot pays respectful homage to the original films in many ways, and the cameos with the original cast are really good too, so I don't see why there's a lot of butt hurt people all over the internet. However, what I do see is that the acting of the leads does seem forced to a point where the characters become parodies of themselves pretty quickly, so you can't take them seriously for too long. Also, the jokes. While some of them are funny, most of them are not as they cross the line between good and bad taste several times. You know, I'm not and old fashion fuck, we review a lot of dirtier stuff, it's just that some jokes either seem out of place or trying too hard.

Hi, miss ghost.

I'm a DC Comics guy.

The special effects are standard CGI for this day and age, and although they're good, there's nothing new to say about this over rated technology. What I did like about this film, is how the team comes together. Unlike the original films, here there's more time spent seeing the group getting together, trying out their new toys and even not being able to afford the rent of a very familiar old firefighter's HQ. More time for developing characters is always a good thing for any kind of genre. The problem here is again, the excessive amount of unnecessary jokes, that does not allow the characters to stop being one dimensional. Even Chris Hemsworth's character is dull and one dimensional, despite the fact he is meant to be funny, we get the exact opposite due to the constant one dimension thing. These characters stay the same through the film from start to finish.

Ghostbusters 2016 may be a great experience for newcomers, younger generations and people who have never seen the original movies (very unlikely) Having one dimensional characters strongly suggests this film was made for kids who are used to watching cartoons where the key characters have a single distinctive personality, that allows you to go to the fridge and back without getting lost in translation. If that is the intentional case of director Paul Feig, then this movie is definitely aimed at younger audiences that will crave the official merchandise after leaving the theater.

Rockstars? really?

Ghost orgy!

Is this reboot entertaining? Yes, it is. Is this reboot a masterpiece? No, it isn't and neither were the original films. Let's face it, these movies, the sci-fi genre, the super hero genre, the teen movies, all of these films have one thing in common: Marketing! these are 100% commercial films that will not only thank you for buying the theater tickets, but also will try hard to brain wash you enough to buy the home video version and lots of merchandise. I went window shopping with my wife today, and saw a pretty cool Slimer toy with sounds. See? these commercial films are not necessarily meant to be master pieces. all these flicks work as a bridge between the film makers and your wallet. We're living a time where quality no longer applies to the film & music industry. I mean c'mon! Lorde? the only Lorde I like is the one from South Park which sarcastically criticizes the music industry as a farce. The movie industry is no different, we're constantly told the same stories over and over with slightly minor changes, and we either don't care or don't tell.

The film industry is light years from what it once was. Reboots & remakes have been torturing us for too long now. If you can't come up with something new, try harder! we're tired of new old versions! If Ghostbusters 2016 was doomed from birth, it is merely because it is yet another remake/reboot nobody asked for. The movie industry has given us so much! there are so many great flicks that have trespassed the generational barrier for decades, so why a reboot? why a remake when the original is still fresh and as entertaining and groundbreaking as it was when it premiered years ago?

Slimer had to return!

Yes, the ghost from the Ghostbusters logo.

Now, if we try hard, and simulate the previous Ghostbusters films never happened, this reboot would make way more sense, and it would even be considered as very original horror comedy. Believe you me, this reboot is entertaining, the action scenes, the way the plot develops, some scary sequences, and a few jokes are actually very good, but as an overall experience, this is one of those films you'll forget about as soon as it's taken down from theaters worldwide. After all, a reboot cannot possibly offer anything that hasn't been done before. Had this film premiered in the late 90's, it would have been a better experience for sure. Today, in 2016 we're sick of remakes and reboots. On a yearly basis we're getting five to six films based upon something from the past with a 21st century cynical original twist. I'm not being overly critical here, I'm being realistic, and that's something I suggest we all do or sooner than later the movie industry will be all about reboots, remakes or rip-offs. Art is supposed to be creative, original and revolutionary and Ghostbusters 2016 is yet another mediocre attempt. Hollywood, please! stop investing in reboots and remakes! we're tired and want new stuff!

Oh, wait! Ghostbusters 2016 does have "new" stuff! um, well, not really, not in the original ideas department at least. Once our heroes are done, the credits feature after credit sequences, or more like within credit scenes that suggest a sequel could be on its way despite all good sense. Now don't get me wrong, the film has its moments, it's just that there are very few of them.

Here's the movie trailer:

And here's the awful as fuck updated Ghostbusters theme song by an even shittier band nobody gives a fuck about:

Buio Omega: Beyond the Darkness

2016-07-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

Dark Dusk.

Following our Italian trend we give maestro Fulci a rest to allow another maestro to delight us with one of his best movies: Buio Omega (Dark Dusk) AKA Beyond the Darkness, is a 1979 Joe D'amato horror film. Joe D'amato is a well known cult Italian film maker who's specialty is to imitate massive Hollywood blockbuster with his personal touch, of course. His filmography is so vast and varied that he has almost tried every genre you can think of. Horror, softcore, thriller, Giallo, porn, you name it!

Regarded as his tour de force movie, Buio Omega, tells the story of rich orphan Francesco Wyler, a spoiled kid who can't part ways with his recently demised girlfriend Anna Völk (Cinzia Monreale steals the show in a very special kind of role) In order to move on with his life, his nanny, Iris (Franca Stoppi) will do whatever it takes to help Francesco, and by "whatever it takes" she means doing all sorts of nasty things only perverted minds would enjoy.

Death won't keep us apart.

Mr. Taxman.

D'Amato's notorious horror film is a glorious amalgam of Poe (The Premature Burial), Franju's Les yeux sans visage, Hitchock's Psycho and the furthest reaches of Freudian psychology, with the Oedipus complex finding its climax in an act of castration by the mother imago. It's a compelling and repellent film, an astonishing feat of visual storytelling and an overwhelming mesh of stunning cinematography, fierce editing and driving disco-infused score courtesy of The Goblin. D'Amato manages to both create one of the most punishing nasties in the horror cannon whilst at the same time leaving us with some truly visionary images of twisted love, obsession, death and decay.

The story, unlikely to the rational mind but with the clarity of a dream, tells of a young orphaned heir to a fortune, living in a mansion and spending his time at his favorite pursuit, taxidermy. His insane governess/surrogate mother colludes with an occultist to put the voodoo on the heir's fiancée, causing the beautiful girl's death, which coincides with a kiss he gives her on her hospital bed. Breastfeeding by his governess does little to console our hero, so he disinters his beloved's corpse, brings it home and stuffs it as he has been stuffing various animals. Yet, as so often in drama, one crime leads to another and another, as various young women have to be dispatched after they stumble on his secret. But this state of affairs can't continue, and society in the shape of a greedy mortician who witnessed the body stealing gradually catches up with him, but normality is only restored by the death of our hero and his mad "mother"; her last act is to castrate her errant son.

Are you happy now master Francesco?

I could do this all day.

The heir's predicament is visceral and in some ways universal. He wants rationality and normality but is thwarted by the governess, who represents dark forces and old magical ways (there's a touch of Medea about her). Her spell prevents him from being with his perfect love, but she aids and abets him in maintaining the embalmed corpse of that dream, at the same time as protecting him from the outside world. One extraordinary scene has the heir bringing a young woman into his bedroom and making love to her in the bed next to the stuffed cadaver of his betrothed – he ruts on top of the new girl whilst staying fixated on the old, and when the new girl notices the corpse in the bed, she screams and meets her end by being ravaged, bitten and partially devoured by the crazed young man.

The taxidermy sequence is stomach-churning in its explicitness, and was notorious at the time of release because of rumors D'Amato had used read corpses in the filming. Cuts are explicitly studied by the camera, entrails are unraveled from the stomach, the heart is removed, kissed and bitten into by the love-sick male. To love somebody is to love their body, but the implications of this when the body is deceased is a horrific extension of the loving instinct, and what gives the film its power. The film concentrates on the fate of the body after death, with burials, cremations, dismemberments, taxidermy, rendering in acid all shown in lurid detail. The film is partially about the sea changes that these processes wreak on the body. The most striking of these is the acid bath, where the fleshy corpse of a victim is submerged only for the head to rise again, just a pair of eyes in and a ragged mop on a grinning skull, the death's head. The rendered remains are finally poured into the garden, to disappear into the ground of an unconcerned nature. The film confronts the most terrible truths about death, the body, desire and warped human relationships, and shows us no way out other than death.

Aren't you tired of bringing teenage girls here, master?

Acid: better than soap.

Eventually, the dead fiancée's sister shows up at the mansion and things come to a head. The heir seems to realize that the living thing is better than the dead, but the governess won't allow this, emblematic guardian against life that she is, and she runs at the heir with a knife looking exactly like Norman Bates dressed as his mother. The knife cuts into the young man's sex, the fruition of that castration anxiety which Freud posited as a deep-seated fear in boys and young men. He and the crazy faux-mother rip and bite each other, bringing both of them to their doom. The mortician finds what he takes to be the stolen corpse, and returns it to its coffin, but it's the living sister(mortified into a state of paralytic shock), and she finally bursts from the grave, maddened with horror.

That crazed lady escaping from the jaws of death, reborn from the coffin, is the visual paradigm of the audience at the end of this stunning film – a movie which truly takes us beyond the darkness and brings to light the rotten, the warped, the weird and the dissolutions which we'd prefer not to be confronted with, except in the genre of horror, of which this is surely a masterpiece.

an eye for an eye?

Jogging kills.

Buio Omega, premiered in the USA in 1984. The original VHS release came in two different editions, the Italian edition, which features extended plot scenes, while lacking several of the gory scenes. On the other hand the German VHS featured every gory scene but lacked the extended plot scenes, of course, both of this editions are long gone out of print. Fortunately, the film was re-released on DVD a few years ago and you can still obtain a copy of the fully uncensored edition.

Despite the gory hype this film has, the graphic violence sequences are brief, and not as many as people tend to think, and that's where D'amato's creativity peaks because, each scene is carefully crafted to add to the perverted atmosphere in which Francesco & Iris spend their days and as matter of fact, Iris' complicity with Francesco seems to go back a long time because every time they have to get rid of a dead girl, it seems like the most natural thing to do. Cinzia Monreale, steals the show as Anna. Although she's playing dead 90% of the movie, she does a tremendous effort to keep her eyes from blinking, and breaths very slowly to avoid her chest from being noticed, playing dead for as long as she does is trickier than it seems. Unfortunately, her career wouldn't last that long and clearly, this film along with The Beyond are her greatest parts.

Death never looked this beautiful before.

Shit just got real!

Overall, a must watch just because it's the birth of the gore genre and its one of the finest Italian horror movies ever filmed. Nevertheless, do yourself a favor and try to watch it in its original language, since most of these Italian films were awfully dubbed to English, significantly diminishing the essence of the characters thus inevitably affecting the plot, because Buio Omega is a horror movie based upon the twisted minds of its characters, so nothing beats original language when it comes to captivating the viewer's mind.

Here's the movie trailer and be careful where you go jogging, you could be the next victim of a twisted couple...

Bonus video, "Goblin" the official theme song to the film:

Paura nella città dei morti viventi: City of the Living Dead

2016-07-14T20:04:00.001-07:00

From the bowels of earth...

Having been one of the lucky bastards who spent his weekends browsing through several video rental stores, I'm talking 70's & 80's here, I can firmly state the VHS era allowed an entire generation to discover hidden gems that didn't make it to your local movie theater. Like the internet is today, these wonderful rental stores, where the go to when you wanted to feast on more obscure movies.

Paura nella città dei morti viventi, AKA City of the Living Dead, is a 1980 horror zombie slasher directed by the great Lucio Fulci. While, some people would think of him as a Giallo film maker, others, like me, discovered his 80's films first, so in a way you were under the impression of a single genre film maker. Luckily, I had some really good video stores back in the day. This movie is also known as The Gates of Hell.

Deadly reflection.

Let's play hangman!

Starred by the beautiful Catriona Mccoll (who'd later collaborate with Fulci on The Beyond & The House by the Cemetery) City of the Living Dead is a clever zombie horror film unlike what most casuals of the genre would think. One of the many themes Fulci explores on his films is Catholic/Christina religion, and how the stereotypical vision of it can be used fictionally to convey a deeper message: Religion is violent, vicious, misleading, dangerous, and more evil than Satan himself.

So, the story has it, a priest from the small village of Dunwich, has killed himself in the local cemetery in order to open a gate to hell so that the dead can rise again and, well, kill everybody to bring eternal darkness back to life once and for all. This sacrilege is foreseen by a group of Ouija enthusiasts, thus, enabling the movie plot to exist: Find the small village of Dunwich and close the gate from hell before it's too late. Mary Woodhouse (Mccoll) & Peter the journalist (Christopher George) head to the little town to save the day only to find a doomed village full of witchcraft stories and a scared to hell population. Obviously, evil unravels, people begin to die (in the most graphic way I might add) and the ultimate battle between good and evil will decide the fate of humanity for good.

a girl comes back to life.

She's crying for life.

Unlike The Beyond, where Fulci intentionally wanted a horror movie going straight to the point without too much explaining, City of the Living Dead, takes its time to develop the story, something that allows the characters to have a more consistent presence in the film ultimately leading to a more serious horror film. When it comes to the special effects department, Sergio Salvati did an excellent job as the director of photography. Although some scenes are too dark, due to the video limitations of those years, most of the film is still well photographed. The scenes with the camera moving around town are eerie with their light blue white fog and empty streets. The shots of the underground cemetery is one of the film's eeriest parts. The camera in this film, as in Fulci's other horror films, forces the audience to take a hard long look at the carnage occurring on the big screen.

The make up effects are done with flamboyance by Gino De Rossi as Gianetto De Rossi was not available to do the effects.

The most awesome scenes I can think of, on this film, are four. First, the accurate scene where a woman pukes out her guts (I read somewhere Fulci once studied to be a doctor before turning into his passion, hence the careful work put into the death scenes) . Second, the drill through the head scene (no further explanation needed). Third, Mary's claustrophobic burial scene and last but not least, the rising of the dead in the underground cemetery, which sort of, makes you feel how empowered the dead are and how miserable our heroes are.

You still like blonde girls?

Someone's got a headache.

Catriona MacColl's debut in a Lucio Fulci film is splendid, she's a natural scream queen. City of the Living Dead brings back a few elements from Don't Torture a Duckling. One, the murderers in the two films are priests (yeah! mindfuck Church Fulci's style). Two, Bob, the special needs workshop kid, is wrongfully accused of murder and brutally assassinated, just like what happened to the equivalent character in the Duckling movie. Three, the film takes place in a desolated and isolated town. Four, in both films a reporter and a blonde woman are the main characters, the more you know! haha!

Overall, City of the Living Dead is one hour and twenty minutes of pure classic horror, like the one only the 80's could deliver. No CGI, no dead teens, no viral trends, just pure gory horror with great music and just the exact amount of story telling, and if you live in a small foggy town, be careful! Go watch it now!

Here's the movie trailer:

E tu vivrai nel terrore! L'aldilà AKA, The Beyond

2016-07-11T12:55:00.002-07:00

This movie screams Satan!

E Tu Vivrai nel terrore! L'Aldila (And you will live in terror: The Beyond) AKA The Beyond is a 1981 slasher made by the always versatile, Italian maestro Lucio Fulci. In the late 60's & 70's he gave birth to an interesting collection of films in the likes of the Giallo genre but, once he felt he was done with it, he embraced is darkest most creative side by filming some of the most disgusting, bloody horror flicks of all time. In The Beyond, and I'm sure fans will agree, Fulci goes full slasher with a story that is so well written and acted, you'll believe the seven gates of hell are real!

Unofficially, fans place The Beyond as the second movie in the seven gates of hell trilogy which began with 1980's City of the Living Dead, followed by today's entry and concluded in The House by the Cemetery. However, each of the three films are standalone features that neither work as prequels nor as sequels, the thing is, hardcore fans, see these films as a part of a bigger universe because they have similar plots pertaining to the "seven gates of hell" concept.

a mysterious satanic book (I want one!)

a gorgeous blind bombshell & her best friend.

The 80's spawned a lot of horror films featuring graphic brutality, the special effects that were once state of the art production, today may seem blatantly dated but, still there is a sense of disgust that remains when watching this flicks despite noticing the falseness of the rather crude and modest molds used to emulate people dying. Watching these kind of films today, diminish the author's intention due to the massive CGI overload of recent years in cinema but, only an idiot would watch a movie just because of the special effects. Nevertheless, The make up effects are very good. Despite the low budget, Giannetto De Rossi's work delivers. The effects are done with flair and pizazz. Giannetto De Rossi did his best when working with Fulci.

The cinematography is spliced with atmosphere and style. Sergio Salvalticontributes to the film's gothic flavour. The cinematography contains a dreamish flow that makes the film beautiful. The score is one of my favourites for a horror film. The score fits perfectly with the scenes in the film. As good as anything done for Argento by Goblin. Actually, I dare to say, the music within the film is the best work you can listen to in a horror movie. The dark baritone voices with the synthesizers deliver true Satanic sounds that are nowhere near being your typical horror film score. The music message in this film is a celebration of the darkness, a tribute to satanic rites and Satan himself. I'd definitely say the soundtrack is a close contender to that heard in the Omen's trilogy (why we haven't reviewed those classic films yet is beyond our understanding)

"Hush little girl, you're dead anyways"

it's time for the dead to rise!

The Beyond according to Fulci himself, is "a movie with all the horrors in the world. Its a plotless film, there's no logic to it, just a succession of images". He also said, "In Italy we make films based on pure themes, without a plot and The Beyond like Inferno refuses conventions...people who blame The Beyond for its lack of story don't understand that it's a film of images, which must be received without any reflection" and that's exactly what makes this film a fantastic one hour and thirty minutes thrill ride through the gates of hell, I mean, do you not like the fact that you're watching a film that is an allegory of evils, demons & satanic rites? this is a fucking masterpiece! Nevertheless, there is a plot within.

Blond New Yorker Liza Merrill (Catriona MacColl, a usual collaborator of the Fulci's universe) inherits a defunct hotel in Lousiana and plans to bring it back to life in order to make some money out of it. As soon as she sets foot in the hotel, people begin to die for the most awkward reasons. Later, she meets Emily (Cinzia Monreale, my god! so beautiful! why are all Italian actresses so beautiful!) a blind girl who seems to know what's behind the mysterious deaths in the hotel. Obviously, some time must pass until Liza realizes the awful truth: the hotel is one of the seven gates to hell, and everyone that stays in it long enough, will suffer a brutal death in the hands of Satan's minions just because!
And what could be more evil than pure evil for no reason? Well, nothing!

I can feel your presence you demonic schizo!

Liza, you have to get out of the hotel before it's too late.

Chilling Italian terror flick full of screams, chills, thrills and lots of blood and guts. Gory, gruesome , pretty repellent , and ghastly gore feast in which the stumbling stiff dead are reanimated and committing astonishing murders . This is a classic excruciatingly splatter film in which the intrigue,tension, suspense appears threatening and lurking in every room, corridors , cellar , hospital , morgue and many other places .

Reviewers are divided over both the morals and talents of Fulci, who sometimes directed under the alias ¨Louis Fuller¨. For some critics many of his movies are cruel and shockingly violent, yet their gory surface often conceals religious, social commentaries or intelligent issues. Usually, film makers instead of telling in your face what they think about the current state of the world, rely on other cinematic and artistic elements to state their personal beliefs on a big chunk of human issues.

Don't worry, these fuckers can eat lead anytime now!

My god! that acid you gave me sure was powerful!

Now, let's take a look at some of the trivia for The Beyond:

-'The Book Of Eibon', featured prominently throughout the film, is the creation of American pulp fiction author, poet and fine artist Clark Ashton Smith and is a recurring text associated with the so-called "Cthulhu Mythos" cycle of literature. The book, which deals with various arcane subjects including the resurrection of the dead, demonic magic, parallel dimensions and other black magic subjects is alleged to have been imparted to the infamous necromancer Eibon by the ancient devil-god Tsathoggua in a remote prehistoric epoch.

-Swedish shitty glam rock band Europe based the song 'Seven Doors Hotel' from their first album on this film. The lyrics are a basic retelling of the plot of the film. The song became a big hit in Japan, and is still a popular track at their live shows.

-This film was never seen in America in its uncut form until 1998, when Grindhouse Releasing tracked down the original master and restored the film, playing it at midnight shows at selected cities. Quentin Tarantino's Rolling Thunder Pictures released the restored DVD.

Gorgeous Cinzia Monreale.

Beauty in the nude.

Overall, The Beyond, is one of those must watch films for any serious horror/giallo/Italian fan. Watching the film today, 34 years after it's original release, will take you back to the time horror films were meant to scare and disgust at the same time. The man-made special effects give the film a crude vibe that works for the better despite the dated techniques. Go watch it now, and be careful! next time you may be spending a night at one of the seven gates of hell!

Here's the movie trailer:

And here's the brutally good "Voci Dal Nulla" theme:

Non si sevizia un paperino, "Don't Torture a Duckling"

2016-07-08T18:37:00.002-07:00

Original movie poster.

The American trend of 70's & 80's horror and slasher films clearly owes a lot to the Italian Giallo genre. In previous entries, you can check some of the obscure cult films made by many great Italian film makers that mastered the genre like no other. Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci, Mario Bava, Sergio Marino and many more created such a genius atmosphere in each of their films, that American producers and film makers inevitably took the best elements from the old continent directors and made them more or less, their own genre.

Non si sevizia un paperino, AKA Don't Torture a Duckling (originally titled Don't Torture Donald Duck but changed at the last minute for possible copyright issues) rises above what some might think of the Italian horror film, or in the more specific connotation "Giallo", which refers to mystery/crime stories. Perhaps some of it was director Lucio Fulci's own doing, as he sort of merged Giallo and bloody Horror in the prime of his career and made it over the top (perhaps even other masters like Argento could be partially guilty). But here is a film that takes its subjects seriously, doesn't scoff at anything, and really how could it? It's a story of young boys murdered and a small village in uproar, with a local Priest, a crazy witch-lady with voodoo dolls, an interested Rome-based journalist and an attractive (maybe too attractive) young woman the main figures. When it's violent it stays true to itself- it's not the kind of horror movie where you expect it to go super bloody and gory, but when it does its visceral in impact- and there's even some really good acting, which is hard to find in some of these Italian procedural.

Bad kids had it coming...

Kids who lie don't end up well.

But what makes it a "lost" classic? (Lost as in only discovered for American audiences in the year 2000) For one thing, it rises not only above its expectations of silliness and carnage, as one might see in other Fulci work (not least of which a movie more on common with ducks, New York Ripper), and even its set-up of the usual sort with the crimes being committed and the police being only somewhat apt to investigate leaving open an outsider- i.e. a journalist- and an attractive young woman to look into it themselves doesn't feel worn out or too typical. Maybe it's the setting of the village, and how the people in it respond to the crimes. They're not the more sophisticated or weird types one might find in Deep Red. These are rural folk who have a deep religious feeling to them, and feel real fear at this killer who walks among them but can't really know who is who.

Fulci leaves the audience guessing up until the end, but it doesn't feel cheap or cheating. Far from it, it is a shock that makes perfect sense, and adds a whole other, deeper, philosophical dimension to the film if it was just who we are led shallowly to believe it is (hint, it's not the attractive young woman, played by Barbara Bouchet, who appears stark naked in a staggering, inappropriate but oddly seductive scene in front of one of the boys). What also makes it fascinating to watch is how Fulci shoots and edits his scenes. Sometimes it seems like a scene will cut off short, but it's really a method of editing that is like pre- post-modern cross-cutting, if that makes sense. In other words, Fulci's film feels fresh, like it could have been shot yesterday. Dutch angles, responsible zooms, and a sense of using music that is invigorating and involves the viewer in the suspense and, at one tragic moment, the sadness (hint, it's three songs from a radio).

What do these voodoo dolls have to do with the killings?

Who's holding this dead baby's corpse?

And yes, the acting is somehow better than usual. Some of it comes from that 'witch woman' played by Florinda Bolkan, and also some from Irene Pappas, or the actor playing the Priest. They take the material and the drama therein as serious as Fulci, and it pays off. What should be just a pulpy mystery story has a soul and a presence cinematically. You can feel the tension as Bouchet drives at night or is at the phone booth, or the terror (unintentional or not) when Bolkan is chased by the dogs into a circle where they all are barking, all at once at her.

Another impressive element this film holds is how an Italian film maker can get away with a plot involving one of the most beloved institutions Italians have as a part of their traditional culture, and it's because of this controversial storyline, that the movie was blacklisted and received a limited theatrical run throughout Europe and was never released in theaters in the United States. In 2000, Anchor Bay secured the rights and released the film for the first time in the United States on DVD. 28 years after the theatrical release!

Who is this crazy woman?

Who's truly behind these cold blooded murders?

Lucio Fulci has said in numerous interviews that he ranks this movie as his most personal favorite of all the movies he directed in his career, and it definitely shows. The way Fulci plays with all the mysterious characters that live in the small village of Monte Sant' Angelo is absolutely efficient at misleading the viewer not one, but 4 times into thinking who the children killer is. Also, Fulci delivers a grand finale that everyone will be pleased with. How would a children murderer pay for his crimes? in jail? no way! he will die suffering in the most violent possible way he can. Another fantastic character present through all the film from start to finish, it's the background music, masterfully composed by Luis Bacalov, the famous Argentinian-Italian composer of unforgettable Spaghetti Western soundtracks, including a personal favorite, the theme to Django! In Don't Torture a Duckling, his compositions are haunting and help us understand Fulci's vision of the film even in the scenes where there seems to be not much going on, while there is actually a lot going on.

For newcomers the film may seem a bit uneasy at times, specially when the children strangling/children murdering scenes happen, and you can easily see why since it's not very often you get to see innocent kids murdered by a vicious mysterious being. Another dated, yet shocking element, is the way characters refer to people with special needs. Words like "retarded", "imbecile", "handicapped", and "gimp" among others I don't remember now, are used to refer to several key characters throughout the movie. More shocking stuff? Children smoking? check, nude women trying to fuck a boy? check, insinuating the church is full of pedophiles and murderers? check (and true BTW)

Hey kiddo, come closer!

Do you like my ass?

If you're new to Lucio Fulci's rich filmography I strongly suggest you start with this 1972 rare masterpiece. Although we haven't reviewed a lot of his films, rest assured that we will in the upcoming weeks as my wife & I are feasting with home Giallo movie weekends.

Is it true this film was banned due to graphic violence? No, no it isn't. The film was widely available everywhere with a few countries being the exception not for the graphic violence scenes (there are a few but, c'mon! what about gore movies?) as stated above, some distributors and censors thought the fact that this movie deals with child murder in the hands of the Catholic church, could offend religious bigots, but what the hell, it's only a movie, and unfortunately for Church cocksuckers, religious crimes have happened and continue to happen in real life. Latin American countries are infested with pedophile priests and the Vatican hasn't done anything to help law put them behind bars, but that's another story.

My children, I must preserve your innocence.

Smoking kills father, did you know that?

I tend to get furious when hearing about Lucio Fulci's reputation as a director. Too often he's categorized as a no-talented filmmaker, only out to shock and disgust entire audiences with images of pure gore. True, his films contain more explicit filth and sickness as your average mainstream American production, but his films always are of wide range and the plots are gruesomely morbid. Don't Torture a Duckling is yet another story! This film is a pure gem of the Italian shock cinema! I easily dare to call this film a masterpiece…it's an old-fashioned giallo that includes all brilliant aspects of genuine horror. Like a true mastermind, Fulci knows to find the right creepy tone for his film. He portrays the small town as a claustrophobic and inescapable setting of macabre happenings, supported by a giddy soundtrack. Fulci also develops himself as a genius storyteller here. The script always is one step ahead of you and the complex plot will mislead you more than once. In other words, this is a unique giallo (horror slash murder mystery). The gore isn't presented as grotesque and explicit as in Lucio's later milestones (among them are the legendary Zombie 2, The Beyond and the New York Ripper), although there still are a few nauseating and hard-to-watch shock-sequences shown.

Don't torture a Duckling is the most compelling and effective achievement Lucio Fulci ever brought forward and it easily ranks among the greatest Italian horror movies ever made. Right next to the masterpieces made by Mario Bava and Dario Argento. The film is fascinating from start to finish, some plot aspects are alarmingly realistic and the tension is adrenalin-rushing at all times! A must see for horror fans and an absolute priority for Italian shock-lovers!

The villagers are willing to lynch the suspects.

How about a threesome and we stop this interrogation business?

Here's the movie trailer:

Continuavano a chiamarlo Trinita - Trinity Is Still My Name

2016-07-01T13:18:00.001-07:00

Back in the saddle!

Hello fellow readers, for this week and for the rest of August I had chosen several sexplotation and porn parody films to review but, since the sad news of the recent passing of Carlo Pedersoli, AKA Bud Spencer, I postponed those reviews in exchange for another classic adventure film by the Italian golden duo of action, Terence Hill & Bud Spencer.

Sequels are always a pain in the ass for film makers and those involved in the world of movies. If we take a minute and think about how many sequels are nearly as good as the prequel or how many sequels are superior than their predecessors, I'm sure it won't be easy to make a list. Also, I'm sure Continuavano a Chiamarlo Trinita AKA Trinity is Still My Name! will make it to the list of superior than the original sequels list. So, in this sequel, our heroes, Bambino (Spencer) & Trinity (Hill) moved on from their past adventure with the religious missionaries to find their way to a "better life" in order to fulfill a promise they made at their father's deathbed.

Yeah, wash off that dirt.

Are you talking to me?

Quite honestly, after seeing the first film in this series (They Call Me Trinity), I was a little underwhelmed, perhaps sold out by my own high hopes. That pic was the breakthrough buddy-comedy-western smash that made Hill and Spencer into superstars. I enjoyed it, liked its meandering pace and whimsical attitude, but was not blown away.

Now, after having seen the follow-up, I get it. Everything that was kinda shaggy, kinda loosey-goosey about the first film has been finely groomed here and the difference is notable. The story plays out slowly but steadily, with proper amounts of both slapstick and action, not to mention some damn fine slapstick action.

What do you mean you're poor and have no money?

If we can't make it as bandits we may try the goodfella stuff.

Spencer's Bambino is introduced first, duping a group of crooks out of their freshly cooked beans in hysterical fashion. Not long after the thugs have regrouped from the incident, along comes Hill's Trinity to do the same exact thing! These two gags set the tone for things: The two protagonists are never cocky or cruel in getting their way; rather they use their charm, and occasionally, Spencer's beefy fists if necessary.

The boys head back home in time to hear their father's deathbed wish, that they work together to find their way in the world, rather than constantly bickering. Their resulting adventures lead them to aid (repeatedly) a lost farming family, pose as federal agents, and get involved in a monks-versus-gunrunners battle.

Hands up you bastards!

We're businessmen, we discuss.

The general spirit of the film is kind and genial, and for this reason it reminded me of the films of Jackie Chan's Hong Kong heyday. Much attention is paid to intricate gags (several involving food); there are numerous well-staged and complex fistfights; even a running bit with a flatulent baby that would have seemed right at home in a JC flick.

Terence Hill's Trinity is a happy-go-lucky layabout that is too lazy to even ride his own horse (he prefers to be dragged slowly behind on a makeshift cot). Trinity is handsome, charming, funny … a great character to be sure. Hill is capable of doing intense (e.g., VIVA DJANGO), so his embodiment of Trinity speaks as much to his acting chops as it does his personal charisma. As for big Bud Spencer, as Bambino he is the sour to Trinity's sweet. Perennially grumpy, the character owns an underlying air of geniality that seems at odds with his willingness to swing his fists around. You get the feeling Bambino begins each fight with a big resigned sigh, as if he'd really rather be elsewhere. The two actors had appeared together in films several times before this series, but it was the Trinity and Bambino personas that really clicked with audiences of the day.

So, are you ready to show them your trick?

Huh! too slow!

Now, heading to the sad news, Bud Spencer (born as Carlo Pedersoli in 1929 in the city of Naples, Italy) died 3 days ago. He was 86 years old and lived a plentiful life for sure. He was a national swimming champ, water polo player, a talented comedy actor, an airplane pilot, songwriter, documentary producer, and mostly one of my childhood heroes.

As his son Giuseppe Pedersoli stated, his father "died without pain in presence of his family and his last word was 'grazie'". He was survived by his wife, three children, five grandchildren and six great-grandchildren.

Although we have already reviewed 15 movies featuring Terence Hill and Bud Spencer, we still have a long way to go, as we will undercover some of the darkest films the duo worked in and a few of the most interesting Bud Spencer solo films, so stay tuned, and Mr. Spencer, wherever you are in the ether, thanks for a thousand laughs I had as kid, and for a thousand more I'll have as a grown up that will continue to show your legacy to newer generations...

1929- ∞

Here's the movie trailer:

Corvette Summer

2016-06-23T14:51:00.002-07:00

From a far away galaxy to Las Vegas.

What do you get when you mix the coolest muscle cars of the 70's with new kid on the block Mark Hamill & future Ghostbusters secretary Annie Potts? The answer is an hour and forty five minutes of adventure and guaranteed laughter!

Corvette Summer is a 1978 adventure film starred by Mark Hamill (shit! only a few months after he became the legendary Star Wars' Luke Skywalker!) and newcomer Annie Potts (remembered by nerds for her sexy read hair role in the above mentioned Ghostbusters flicks) Directed by Matthew Robbins and written by Hal Barwood & Robbins, this under rated gem, is a must for every muscle car lover & every adventure/comedy film enthusiast.

The missing Corvette.

Hitch hiking for a dream car.

Mark Hamill, fresh from the astronomical success of "Star Wars," delivers an animated and thoroughly engaging performance as Kenneth W. Dantley, a guileless, but hot-blooded Los Angeles teenage automobile enthusiast who leads his high school autobody shop in restoring a '73 Corvette stingray back to its full pristine turbo-charged candy apple red glory. After the 'vette gets stolen, the extremely obsessive and determined Hamill heads off to Las Vegas to reclaim it. While fumbling and stumbling around Sin City Hamill hooks up with and eventually falls bum over teakettle in love with kooky, saucy, tenderhearted aspiring prostitute Vanessa (a wonderfully flaky and adorable Annie Potts, who's utterly disarming in her film debut).

A winsome, spirited, perfectly enjoyable and infectiously good-natured seriocomic youth coming-of-age tale, "Corvette Summer" bristles along with an easy, carefree, unforced charm that's impossible to resist. Matthew Robbins, who also co-wrote the bright, insightful script with Hal Barwood (these two subsequently collaborated on the equally excellent fantasy treat "Dragonslayer"), directs with tremendous energy and agility, skillfully mixing a swift headlong pace, uniformly bang-up acting, laughs, romance, and such trenchantly examined themes as chasing after one's dreams (both literally and figuratively), joyful adolescent innocence being curdled into sour adult cynicism, staying true to one's beliefs, and one painful rite of passage -- the rude awakening to a harsh, jarring, not always fair reality with all its many disheartening foibles and inequities -- that we all must undergo into the taut, absorbing narrative. Technically, the film is every bit as shiny and attractive as its titular car star: Frank Stanley's lively, colorful, lustrous cinematography, Amy Jones' fluid, sharp editing and Craig Safan's swell, stirring score are all most impressive.

I'll let you suck my dick if you help me find my car.

Let's fuck Kenny, your car will show up eventually.

Kudos to the top supporting cast: Eugene Roche as Hamill's friendly autoshop teacher, Danny Bonaduce and Wendy Jo Spurber as two of Hamill's fellow car-loving autoshop classmates, Kim Milford (the wimpy browbeaten kid hero of the enticingly chintzy sci-fi revenge potboiler "Laserblast") as the cocky, effeminate leader of a stolen car ring, Brion James as the jerk who gains illegal possession of Hamill's car, the ubiquitous Dick Miller as a genial, generous gambler, T.K. Carter as a carwash employee, and Phillip Bruns as a sleazy grifter gas station proprietor. A frenetic chase sequence between a bike-riding Hamill and a car-driving James constitutes as a definite thrilling highlight. The relationship between the naive Hamill and the more worldly Potts is quite amusing, affecting and endearing; they make for a nice, enchanting couple. The film's pretty bewitching as well, thanks to its relaxed, off-beat tone, quirky bits of humor, steady, but laid-back drive, affable leads, and general uplifting air of fresh-faced sweetness. A breezy, cheeky, hugely appealing and radiantly gleaming gem of a sleeper.

Why people don't consider Corvette Summer as a true 70's classic teenage comedy is beyond my understanding. Mark Hamill's career may be forever bound to science fiction and comic books but, believe you me, if you're planning to see another side of his acting skills, look no more because this is the film you totally need to watch. As for Annie Pott's debut, she totally nails the job! Watching the first half of the movie misleads you into thinking who she really is until the other half begins and you see a much wider character developing.

Vanessa's super cool Chevy Van!

This paint won't fool me, this is my car!

As for the 1973 Corvette Stingray, The mold for this film's centerpiece car is part of the collection of America's National Corvette Museum and displayed at the Corvette Americana Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York. The museum also screens this movie regularly!

The Corvette car was a 1973 Chevrolet Corvette Stingray converted to right hand drive so that Mark Hamill could hang out of the curbside window looking at the ladies (Yes, you read that right). The car was also painted candy apple / cherry, given superior mags, a clam-shell hood, Gabriel shocks, Merry tubes, a metal flake, side-pipes, and flames painted on the body.

I'm gonna recover my car no matter what!

Not without a fight kiddo.

Mark Hamill said of this movie around the time of production: "I insisted on looking different. And I'm only interested in the car, not even any girl, until Annie Potts came along. . . It's not a car movie. It's really a love story. And I'm so thrilled to be working with Annie Potts. She reminds me of Judy Holliday. She's a unique creature." Hamill years after the film first came out then said: "Corvette Summer is a great little picture and it's got sort of a title that's a misnomer because you sort of put it in one category when you first see it and you go, 'Oh gee, it's quite a nicely written, uh romantic movie.' And I enjoyed it immensely."

Hamill was badly injured in an automobile wreck in Malibu, California just prior to production. He bares the scars through Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) and Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983) As a matter of fact, Annie Potts also, was in car accidents prior to principal photography. Potts got pins in her legs whilst Hamill got a broken nose.

I got the money now babe.

I can't believe we did it!

Overall, Corvette Summer is pure PG rated entertainment that every member of your family can enjoy (unless you live with inflatable anime dolls, that's not what I'd call family you, nasty freak!) This movie guarantees almost two hours of adventure, comedy, pun intended jokes and even romance! this movie has it all!

Here's the movie trailer:

Porgi l'altra guancia AKA Turn the Other Cheek

2016-06-21T08:32:00.001-07:00

The gospel of fist!

Terence Hill and Bud Spencer have portrayed EVERYTHING. Crooks,pirates,cops,cowboys etc. In 1974's Porgi L'atra Guanca, AKA Turn the other Cheek, they play Priests who sell pepper and coffee on a large boat in Europe, while preaching and healing the ill at the same time.

Padre J (Terence Hill) and Padre Pedro (Bud Spencer) leave European waters to bring their to gospel to Maracaibo, Venezuela (although the filming location was in Colombia according to some sources but, I doubt that either because in South America there are no Asian languages spoken anywhere, and in a few scenes you see some signs written in some Asian language, which leads me to think they must have filmed in the Philippines instead)

Sailing with God's help.

Slavery? let's get busy padre!

Set in Anno dil Segnore 1890, our Padres will not only bring the gospel and supplies to a new land, they will also fight slavery and overpowered rich white men with their strongest weapon: Their fists!

Not being granted funds to build a new church by their bishop (Jacques Herlin) Padre Pedro steals the bishop's ring and and goes to the Maracaibo local casino to play roulette and get money. Evidently, this calls the attention of Marches Alfonso Felipe Gonzaga, the governor (played by Robert Loggia) who is searching for a missing religious idol, as well as some of his slaves that disappeared in a cast away ship. Sooner than later, our religious heroes are exiled to a strict community controlled by the Governor and his men. Not happy with this, our padres decide to take matters on their own through a schemed inside job that will not only set free all the enslaved workers but also, a scheme that will reveal the true nature of the abusive governor.

Padre Pedro, the dentist.

The gospel goes wild.

The film was produced by legendary producer Dino de Laurentis, who has won an Oscar and 22 other awards, not mentioning produced 172 films during his lifetime! Among his most famous works, he produced Barbarella, King-Kong (the 1976 version), Conan The Barbarian, Flash Gordon, Maximum Overdrive, Red Dragon & Hannibal.

The movie title, Porgi L'atra guancia, comes from an old Christian belief that once someone has offended you, you have to give them another chance, hence the cheek (guancia) reference. In one of the film's scenes, Padre Pedro and Padre J discuss this and modify the saying by adding that if you're hit in the wrong cheek you will get fist for breakfast.

A signature scene in Hill & Spencer's films: a feast.

Let's see if your God will stop this bullet.

Overall, Turn the Other Cheek, may not be among their finest works, but the beautiful late 1800's scenery, landscapes and chemistry in the leading duo makes this film worth a try even for those who are not hardcore Hill & Spencer fans. Just don't expect to find religious teachings worth trying in real life here. Unless, of course, you don't give a fuck about religions (as I do) and prefer the action speaks louder than words motto.

Here's the movie trailer:

Piu Forte Ragazzi AKA All the Way Boys!

2016-06-20T09:19:00.001-07:00

Piu forte ragazzi!

Although Bud Spencer & Terence Hill are not a part of the 1001 Movies You Must Watch Before You Die book, there are more than 1001 reasons to watch at least a few of their wonderful movies. The Italian couple worked together in 18 movies and tried going solo for a few films, as well as building a career in local Italian television but nothing will ever outdo the times they worked together.

Today, Carlos Pedersoli (Bud Spencer's real name) is an 86 year old veteran actor, while Mario Girotti (Terence Hill) is a 77 year old veteran actor too. Piu Forte Ragazzi, AKA All The Way Boys! is a 1972 film directed by Giuseppe Colizzi and starred by our two favorite Italian heroes of all time. What makes this movie interesting, is that this marks the very first time where Spencer & Hill are not making a Spaghetti Western movie.

Insurance money? piece of cake!

Well I'll be damned!

Piu Forte Ragazzi follows the steps of air cargo pilots Plata (Hill) & Salud (Spencer) Their latest mission takes them to the amazons to stage a plane accident in order to cash in an insurance policy. Unfortunately, their plane actually malfunctions forcing them to crash land in an unknown wild forest. Soon enough, they find out there is a small mining colony that barely makes it to the end of the day by getting the precious stones to a certain Mr. Ears (played by Reinhard Kolldehoff) The thing is, this Mr. Ears runs the show, and it's a one man's show only. Not only he underpays his workers, he also gets the little money they make by bringing them supplies they can't find anywhere else.

In order to make a living, Plata & Salud find an old plane, fix it, and start running their own supply business, which of course, will lead them into direct trouble with Mr. Ears & his lowlife gang.

Soon enough, the locals start getting supplies from the new vendors and things begin going south pretty quickly.

We may be friends.

But we have our differences.

When watching a Terence Hill & Bud Spencer movie, you're not looking for a masterpiece in story telling, you're looking for action, adventure & lots of laughs. Interestingly enough, their films always come with very educational lessons on how to survive rough times, work together despite differences, help the helpless and in the end, fix what's wrong. Of course, that won't happen until the very end of the movie, where our heroes have convinced wrong doers through a fostering lesson of my fist, your face.

Piu Forte Ragazzi, as mentioned above, is the first time the duo is out of their comfort zone. They're no longer into the spaghetti western genre but straight into the action/adventure genre with a contemporary setting. While this may not be the ideal film to watch if it's your first time into the couple's work, the movie proves these actors could outdo themselves by surviving a decaying genre that ended up becoming a parody of itself.

Let me explain...

Plata knows his game.

After appearing in this film, Spencer became a real life jet airplane and helicopter pilot. He established Mistral Air in 1984, an air-mail company that also transports pilgrims, but alter sold it to Poste Italiane to buy a textile mill that produced clothes for children. Yes, Bud Spencer is also a real life hero.

Piu Forte Ragazzi is probably one of the best Spencer / Hill movies ever made. The soundtrack, atmosphere, jokes, and the fact that the movie is not too childish makes it a "must see" for any fan of Bud Spencer and Terence Hill. Unfortunately, there is one problem: all over there world there does not exist an uncut version. You can rather point out 2 different cuts. The German version misses out on several plot points as well as brawling; additionally it offers alternative footage every now and then. On the other hand there's the Italian/international version which was also released in the USA and Denmark. If you can, stay away from this version. While the German version already misses out on roughly 7 and half minutes of footage (30 cuts), the Italian/international version includes 105 cuts with an overall runtime of 18 minutes of missing footage! A detailed comparison between both versions, split in two parts, with pictures can be found here (scenes missing in the German Version) and here (scenes missing in the International Version).

Here's the movie trailer:

Dolores Claiborne

2016-06-10T19:28:00.003-07:00

These are talented women.

Our two previous entries were an attempt to document Bo Derek's career in our humble movie blog. While we tried as hard as we could, watching two Bo Derek films in a week felt awful, so in order to even things up, we're bringing a real actress, a real movie, a real plot (based upon a fantastic novel I might add)

Talented actresses have already been a part of this blog for years, we're not all about b movies only. There's been a big chunk of great films with fantastic performances that would make every woman in the world proud. Yes! We're feminists despite what you may think! So, if Bo Derek completely destroyed the idea of talented women being hired just because of their skills rather than their looks, well, think again! today we're proud to bring the one and only Kathy Bates!

Kathy Bates became a massive star after she starred 1990's Stephen King's Misery. However, we're not reviewing that film first simply because she did a larger than life portrayal of a mother who never quits in 1995's Dolores Claiborne. Although Dolores Claiborne is another movie based upon Stephen King's wonderful writing, this movie has something no other horror movie can have: real life horror, and by that I mean sexism towards woman, misogyny, male chauvinism and all the dookie that comes attached to the previous terms: mental & physical mistreatment, discrimination, hate speech & rape.

Mother & daughter separated by blocked memories of an incomplete past.

Red neck motherfucker.

Being a long time Stephen King fan I can tell you, he wrote a masterpiece here, because the greatest horror stories are sometimes the ones that display the true disgusting nature of mankind instead of seeing monsters & demons we're seeing dysfunctional families being torn apart by everyday monstrosities.

Selena St George (Jennifer Jason Leigh in a fantastic performance) returns to her Maine island home to be reunited with her estranged mother Dolores (Bathes). Dolores has been charged with the murder of her long time wealthy employer Vera Donovan (another great performance by Judy Parfitt) , and all the evidence points to her guilt. Detective John Mackey (Christopher Plummer) leads the investigation, however his view is tainted as he failed to convict Dolores for the murder of her husband Joe St. George (a disgustingly good role by David Strathairn) , almost 20 years ago - his only unclosed case. As the present murder is investigated the truth about the past is slowly revealed.

How many Hollywood films give good roles to women. Not many - certainly not older women. This stands out because it has three good roles for women and a very strong supporting cast. The story is compelling, the present murder is slowly revealed, while the back story between Dolores, Selena, Joe and Vera is slowly spun out in memories. The various strands are all gripping - the level of detail and back story is excellent. The way the past is weaved into the present is well handled and you never feel like there's too much going on - each strand compliments the others.

Selena, it's time you hear the truth about that eclipse night.

Coward men beat women. They should be murdered with no remorse.

The flashbacks are well filmed - each memory is painted bright with sunshine and gaudy colors. Like Selena's memory, it all seems better in hindsight. The present is filmed in pale greys, not even flesh colors come across - everyone looks ashen and grey. The director also deserves praise with the way he blends the present scenes into the past - the camera moves slightly revealing past action. At the end, every story is revealed and it's very satisfying.

As I said, the cast are excellent. If Bates got an Oscar for Misery then she more than deserved one here. She is superb in older and younger roles. She has some annoying habits, mainly the phrases she uses - but she brings out so much hurt, so many layers and so much resentment really well. Jason-Leigh is as good as always and is suitably disturbed - she is very well matched by her younger version, Ellen Muth, who matched Leigh's manner and speech well. Parfitt is an excellent Vera, she has a smaller role but deals with the changes very well. The support cast are all excellent - three stand out. Strathairn is excellent as the abusive Joe, Plummer is great as the cop, who turns out to have as many unresolved issues as Selena. The cast is rounded off by John C Reilly, who is always great.

This woman has been to hell and back.

Shit happens Dolores.

Dolores Claiborne is a masterpiece, a film teachers should show their students, a film every mother in this world should show her kids to understand the struggle, to see that the worst enemy is always next door, it could be your parents, your relatives, a close friend, an abusive boss, religious freaks, and even your husband!

The world knows Stephen King is a master of horror writing, and whenever his name comes up, people would usually think about the books featuring monsters, demons, ghosts and all sorts of paranormal entities but, believe you me, there isn't any horror creature that can come close to what Dolores Claiborne has to face: real life horror, a dysfunctional family, a red neck macho town and even a distrusting daughter! I know there are plenty of films out there depicting the same sad issues but this one takes it to the next level. The combination of well placed elements at the right time make each scene a chilling experience that will truly give you the creeps. Although the violence scenes are graphic, they're presented in a very artistic manner, accompanied by the excellent soundtrack written in its entirety by a 90's legend, Mr. Danny Elfman.

The eclipse night, a clever metaphor.

Go Dolores Go!

Abuse towards women is a real threat, and it's happening everyday around the world, if you're being abused please ask for immediate help! and if you know someone is being abused, please, please help them, don't be a silent witness of domestic violence, we can all change the world and I plan to do my part, by respecting and loving my wife, sister, aunt and other female relatives and friends I care so much about. There are women suffering manly abuse out there, let's open our eyes and help as soon as possible. There are many foundations and local groups working together to give women a peaceful life full of opportunities, Google your city and do your part.

Overall, Dolores Claiborne is an absolute triumph, a movie that has it all, and moreover, a very scary film that reveals the true nature of some men who think just because they're men, they can do as they please. Kathy Bates acting is so breathtaking that I'm sure you will see the reflection of many women you care about in every scene she's in. Go watch it now if you haven't!

Here's the movie trailer:

Bolero

2016-06-07T18:33:00.003-07:00

Yeah Bo Derek in the nude!

Alright, we mildly heated things up at SPAM Alternative with our previous entry but today's entry will set thermometers sky high! If 10 launched Bo Derek's career as a big screen bombshell, 1984's Bolero certified her as a true blonde princess of sexploitation. Originally, Bolero was intended to be a rated X film, meaning there would be plenty of T & A but producers, Bo Derek and the film maker (John Derek, Bo Derek's husband) decided there was enough sex in the film so they released it unrated to avoid filming alternate scenes and to attract the growing male fandom Derek built since 10.

Bolero follows the story of two friends who recently finished high school (private education, they're rich as hell) and set up their minds to travel the world while attempting to fulfill Linda McGillivery's (Derek's character) goal: to lose virginity over a very sexy man. Can you believe it? why in the world would she need to travel the world to find someone to fuck her good? with her steaming curves I doubt she would have made it out of high school a virgin. Anyways, Catalina (Ana Obregon) is more than willing to help her friend and they together go visit a young and wealthy sheik that could lend Linda more than a lending hand on the matter. The sheik is more than willing but his pot smoking habits end up making him fall asleep while Linda is all wet and covered in milk & honey. Therefore, they decide to travel to Spain to find a macho torero that can fuck the shit out of her pussy.

Once they arrive in Spain, they find the perfect match and while this torero is already dating someone, he's more than willing to help.

Finally free from high school!

If she wants a good fuck, I'll help her travel the world to find the perfect match.

Bolero like many other films, relied on rumors as publicity stunts. For instance, at that time, it was said the final sex scene wasn't simulated (you can actually see the torero's balls under Derek's bouncing ass) Also, Olivia D'abo, fourteen years old at that time, had several full frontal nudity scenes. Try doing that with today's filming standards. John Derek was so satisfied with his movie, he decided not to have early screenings of the film. Unfortunately, the movie didn't do nowhere near as expected. People bashed it, and movie goers asked for their money after leaving the theaters while the film was an hour away from being over. Bolero was nominated for several Golden Raspberry AKA Razzie awards in 1984. Such awards are the opposite of being chosen for good work, so there's nothing honorable about been nominated.

Despite the terrible ratings, John Derek would still find deals to make more movies with her wife. Nevertheless, Bolero was his last film made with a Hollywood sized budget. If 10 was criticized for not featuring enough T & A, Bolero clearly had that fixed, but the lacking of a good story telling, a decent plot and well, good acting made it fail despite all the tits, pussies & asses on screen.

The sheik is a stoner.

Don't worry Linda, we'll find you a hard cock.

To be fair, Bolero plays like any other softcore/sexploitation flick would do, an onion thin plot to justify all the nude scenes. The problem is, sexploitation films aren't necessary smart. When you try a smart, artsy perspective for an erotic movie where it's audience it's mostly males looking for an excuse to either masturbate or convince their girlfriends that casual fucking is really good, you simply don't know your audience. Bo Derek may be super beautiful but she can't act. To make matters worse, trying to convince the audience she's portraying a virgin it's completely impossible. How many times have you seen a virgin traveling the world for a good fuck with wealthy men? Well, maybe you have, but there are way better sexploitation films out there. Oh, wait! I get it! Bo Derek's are a special kind of erotic genre where there's morals and taste for the sex scenes!

In the early 80's porn wasn't a free online 24/7 service a click away from your filthy hands. Video rental stores where huge, and no under aged young man would dare renting a porno or erotic film because everyone would find out about your dirty habits. I'm pretty sure Bolero belongs in that category, and sadly in that bygone era. The whole vibe the movie delivers is "this is the erotic film your girlfriend would watch because there's a smart plot, and friendship, and romance" Maybe in the 80's innocent girlfriends would buy the idea of an erotic movie made for those who are not perverted minds but young dreamy newbies searching for marriage and a functional family through a one night stand anal sex adventure with a money shot ending.

Hey Linda, I hear you wanna get defiled.

How you like that rich bitch?

Erotic films are really hard to made in this day and age. What separates them from pornography? what makes them appealing to wider audiences? why would you want an erotic film as foreplay instead of a straight porno flick? Very difficult questions, the answers are obviously varied and there are no right or wrong answers. Everything depends on the eye of the beholder. Some say, erotic films are made for women because they feature a romance story and all the sex scenes are beautifully orchestrated, while a softcore flick or straight porno is clearly designed for male audiences because we're easy on the eye, and T & A will keep us interested for 90 minutes even if the film is as bad as a Michael Bay Transformers film.

Wrong! women watch softcore & porn films too! and they do it more often than you think. The world is constantly changing for the better or worse, and today standards do not apply to films from past decades. Bolero is clearly a product of its time. In the 70's sexploitation and porn films were sleazy and didn't care for the beauty of the love scenes. In the 80's they tried stating erotic movies could be art pieces and/or smart films only people with a mind ahead of their time would understand. The same happened with the legendary porn film Deep Throat which opened doors for "smarter" porn films.

Gratuitous nudity.

Oh my god! that cock is gigantic!

If you happen to be a newcomer in the sexploitation genre, Bo Derek will clearly find her way in your constant search for the most important actresses of the genre, and maybe Bolero is the best film out of the few she did while she was still considered the latest Hollywood bombshell. However, most of the sexploitation starlets share the same fate Bo Derek had: a short lived career.

A few paragraphs above I mentioned this movie had romance, and it is true in a certain way. Derek's character behaves mostly like the woman of every man's fantasy: a Sex craving woman. Now, for the most part every female character follows the same thread during the movie. Every girl gets shagged with the only exception being Paloma (Olivia D'abo) which for obvious reasons (she was 15 years old during the filming) who only dreams about belonging to a man. What kills this film is what essentially killed 10 too: a main character who spends 90% of the film with a careless free spirit personality that opposes entirely the grand finale where she marries the man she barely knows. A couple of good fucks won't take you to the altar I'm pretty sure of that but what the hell, the film plot is a joke. As soon as the film begins she gets naked just because, so why won't she fuck the men she already knows through her private school? Nah! she's rich and eccentric, so she needs to travel abroad to find a good piece of dick. Millionaire dick I might add. She won't shag a hobo! only sheiks and rich bullfighters who own the most expensive horses and vineyards.

Look at me!

I need your jizz.

The stereotype of a rich eccentric girl has been exploited hundred of times in cinema before, and still is. The sexploitation films are just like a superhero flick, they end up being derivative, cliched and boring. Even for the most enthusiast sexploitation fan enough is enough sometimes.

All in all, Bo Derek films are nothing but a good publicity stunt, there really isn't anything interesting and worth your time. The fact that she can be nude during her films isn't that surprising either. Without good writing a character is doomed, no matter how hot she looks, we still need a minimum substance to grab onto in order to fully enjoy a movie that I'm sure was intended to be entertaining but got lost in the middle for several reasons.

Extasy!

Steamy pussy!

What about the hyped sex scene at the ending? is it true it was real sex? Man! a connoisseur knows better! of course this wasn't real sex! the brief scene where Derek's ass bounces over the bullfighter balls is a very old trick in sexploitation films.

Verdict? Bolero is one of the worst films I've ever watched, and believe you me, I've seen a lot of awful films that are way better than this one. If you wanna know who she was, Bolero is the least boring crap out of the big pile of dookie films she starred.

Finally, Bo Derek is only a beautiful body. Her acting is terrible, she can't even pretend to be horny during the sex scenes, instead of cumming she looks like she's either laughing or in pain. Also her moves during the sex scenes are so fucking fake! man! even a real life virgin can tell that's not the way you fuck! If you want a real life lesson, here's a good one: the looks may take you to some places, but in the end skills will get you through the rest of your life, and obviously Derek didn't get that far.

Here's the movie trailer:

10

2016-06-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

Exploitation with Bo Derek.

OK, I know I've said this before but, from now on, no more superhero films, I promise. The hype has served us well enough so we can finally move on to what made our blog what it is today: Exploitation films! So far, we've been into a huge selection from the most relevant to the most obscure cult exploitation flicks you can think of. Today we enter the career of a promising early 80's bombshell, whose legacy lives on in the very few films she performed as the leading beauty actress. Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in many years, Bo Derek enters our cult films selection!

10 is a 1979 adult comedy film directed by Blake Edwards and starred by Dudley Moore, Julie Andrews & Bo Derek and follows the story of George Webber (Moore) a famous composer piano player who's facing a midlife crisis torn between his growing love for Samantha Taylor (Andrews), his long time actress girlfriend, and the illusion of a mysterious perfect woman that goes by the name of Jenny Hanley (Derek) Although nostalgia, and weak memory can play tricks on everyone, 10, is not as erotic as you may think, and that's ironic because Derek's sex symbol status is attributed to this film. Nevertheless, her later movies would make it up to sexploitation fans and her blonde sex bombshell status would live up to tell the tale today in 2016, 37 years after her golden debut.

Torn between old and new.

Well, let's pick new.

But, who is Bo Derek? Bo Derek (born Mary Cathleen Collins; November 20, 1956) is an American film and television actress, movie producer, and model perhaps best known for her breakthrough role in the 1979 film 10. The film also launched a bestselling poster for Derek in a swimsuit, and subsequently she became one of the most popular sex symbols in the 1980s. She was directed by husband John Derek in Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981), Bolero (1984) and Ghosts Can't Do It (1989), none of which were critically well-received. However, they feature plenty of Derek's anatomy, so watching them despite the critics is still pleasant on the eye. Further reviews of her infamous filmography will be soon added to our blog.

10 is a fantastic example of what exploitative marketing can do to a mediocre film that hasn't aged very well. Although posters, ads and trailers suggest this film has Bo Derek all over, that is far from the truth. Her role is barely that of supporting cast and she's not in the nude enough time. Actually, she's briefly nude in a couple of very quick scenes (one being with the lights out) She doesn't get much dialog either. Webber (the main character) spends his days facing a boring midlife crisis and deciding whether is worth to be in a relationship that is more intellectual than physical. In the meantime, his neighbor surely knows how to throw a party, as he's constantly surrounded by beautiful naked women willing to have sex at any time. Webber, prefers to sit back and drink while watching the spectacle through his telescope.

A victim of the blue balls disease.

Holy shit! They're going bukake!

The haunting image of the mysterious young bride (Derek) haunts him long enough as to find her whereabouts via her father (who happens to be Webber's dentist) Soon enough, he's miserable & drunk enough to fly to the Virgin Islands in order to find the girl of his wet dreams. The problem is, she's married to Flash Gordon!!! (well, to Sam J. Jones) So, will the girl choose an old miserable musician over a young muscular stallion?

The problem 10 has, is that there are many movies dealing with the same "old man's midlife crisis, old man's find young fuckable girl, old man's cum all over her body" and with a modest budget have accomplished outstanding results while being very straight to the point in filming terms. 10 seems to try too hard to move itself a step above the sexploitation films from the 70's. Trying to make a clever sexploitation film can be a very bad idea. In other words, 10 is about a man who is horny as hell, and wants badly to fuck younger more attractive women without the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship burdens because his girlfriend doesn't seem to be too interested in a good old fuck. The story of a smart successful wealthy musician living in a world of sophisticated boredom makes no sense. I mean, if he's wealthy enough, he should be throwing sex parties like his neighbor every weekend!

Your neighbor knows better.

Yes, he does.

So, if Mr. Webber is so desperate to get a good fuck, he simply needs to go to his neighbor, knock the door and say the magic words "I'm famous & wealthy and need a good fuck" and problem solved! Of course, that would mark the end of the movie and Bo Derek wouldn't get much attention, wouldn't she?

So, as the onion thin plot develops, our blue balls musician manages to get a room in the same hotel our newly wed sex bombshell is spending her honey moon weekend. However, Webber is an idiot, a multi millionaire loser who prefers to get wasted drinking every night while peeping tom his prey. Later, his blue balls disease becomes so painful he actually sees an opportunity to talk to his blonde dream girl. Flash Gordon (her boyfriend) falls asleep on his surfboard while floating away deeper and deeper into the sea, so our resourceful hero, rents a boat and saves the boy! Reason enough to make Jenny (Derek) thank him for saving his adrift husband.

C'mon Webber, let us take care of that cock for you.

So, do you girls spit or swallow?

Later that night, Webber pays a little visit to Jenny's (Room 420!) and is offered the chance of a lifetime: Dinner, marijuana and sex! His dreams are about to happen as Jenny reveals herself to be a very open minded person who enjoys fucking different men because it's good enough for her! and nothing could make her hornier than fucking while listening to Ravel's Bolero which remains one of the most expensive songs to use for film and TV to date; the rights cost more than $25,000. According to SACEM, the French equivalent of ASCAP, Ravel's estate earns more royalties than any other French composer!

Finally, when things are actually looking bright for Webber, he turns off a good fuck because he thinks Jenny wants a serious relationship with him instead of a one night stand. While she reveals, she's interested only in casual sex, he turns her down and decides to leave! Man! you fucking read that right! the point he was trying to make during the whole movie gets completely wasted by the man himself! Jesus fucking Christ! Jenny was all nude and wet, ready to get a big load of jizzy love and everything goes to waste because our lead character is only interested if she commits herself to a serious relationship! what a bummer! what a let down! what a major disappointment!

I'm hungry for cum, do you have some for me?

All I want is a good casual fuck.

Overall, 10 is a film that didn't live up to the myth. Derivative, boring, pretentious and with a plot that is completely screwed up by the end of the movie where our lead character undoes everything he was looking for during the whole movie. This movie isn't sexy either, there are too few sex scenes and nudity isn't enough too. Bo Derek's debut is deserving of a big meh! she neither has enough lines to say, nor she is as nude as publicity stunts lead you to think. If you want to see her in the nude and in hotter scenes, watch her later films. 10 is like a PG rated sexploitation film you could easily watch in a sunday afternoon with your grandparents and nephews and no one would be shocked. Unfortunately, 10 is now nothing but a dated forgettable film, and considering this the biggest Bo Derek's film, it can only mean that she is also dated and going straight to the annals of oblivion sooner than later.

10 in one word? Over rated (well, that's two words) Expect reviews of her later films simply because they were hotter and featured a lot more sex & gratuitous nudity.

Here's the movie trailer: