In the Survivor of The Future, instead of sending the competitors off to some remote island someplace, they just send them into New York City.  The show is hosted by Kurt Russell, who wears an eye patch and is all dressed up like Snake Pliskin, except that now he weighs like 350 lbs. because I think that one time in a pinch he had to eat Goldie Hawn.

Now it has occurred to me that there may be some of you out there who are interested in knowing more about the things that happen in The Future. And being right here, I happen to be in a better position than most to expound on this particular subject.

So what else can I tell you about The Future?

For one thing, there are no poodles.

And Elton John is the King of Mars.

Now you may also be asking yourself why with all of The Future to travel to I would only journey so far ahead as 2012.

Well, let me give you a clue…The Future doesn’t go any further beyond that.

I’d tell you what happens but you would immediately die of fright*.

*(I was personally innoculated against Fright and a number of other debilitating emotions before ever making my Jump, a safeguard imposed by the Time Traveller’s Council in Geneva, Wisconsin, back in 2001. The vaccine has occasionally been known to cause a few side effects including irrational boldness, but the only thing it did to me was to make my ding-a-ling about two inches smaller. Thank God I had plenty to spare!)

I’d rather talk about the interesting stuff anyways.

Like Survivor.

As I mentioned, here in The Future the show is hosted by Kurt Russell who has by now put on quite a bit of weight. Now I’ve always thought Kurt Russell was alright, even when he did all those cheesy Disney movies, and even when he played that little monkey boy on Gilligan’s Island. But let me tell you, 350 lb. men do NOT look good in leather, and that goes double for Kurt Russell. I don’t know how many cows they butchered to make that outfit but I’m thinking it took the better part of a Kansas feedyard (actually, all the feedyards are on the Moon now). Still, he does a better job than that wuss they had on there back in the Present who wouldn’t have survived 5 minutes in the wild without his air-conditioned trailer and gourmet-catering.

On the Survivor of The Future, the menial challenges such as standing on top of a pole for two weeks straight have been replaced by more realistic tasks. In one episode a guy has to ride his bicycle through Future New York City to try to deliver a ham and pickle sandwich to his pregnant girlfriend. Between the giant chihuahuas and the zombies he really has his hands full. He makes it though, but he does end up losing a couple of limbs and has to retire from the series. His girfriend ends up dying of the Space Herpes in another episode. But the baby survives and ends up winning the $14 Billion, which in The Future is worth about $2.50 (but is still enough for about half a day’s worth of oxygen).

There’s so much more I could write about but I don’t want to end up giving too much away and spoiling everyone’s fun, so I think I’d better stop for now.

But let me just say one more important thing about The Future.

Well…actually…nevermind.

Here in The Future they’ve actually fixed this bug because by now time travel is quite common.

But since you’re reading this before the fix was ever invented I guess you’re all just going to have to sort it out for yourselves.

I have faith in you.

Well actually…no I don’t, considering the shape you left The Future in.

But there really isn’t much I can do about it at this point.

I guess this will teach me not to go messing around with the Laws of Physics.

I am actually writing this post from The Future, and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty kids.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves for letting it come to this.

He said that humans are the only known species who relentlessly pursue amnesia.

Very often neither one of will have any idea what the other is talking about.

So mostly we just drink.

The Beast was testing his powers.

The Beast. Created by man. Given life by a spark.

Things were about to change.