Battle of California

Who Is More Dominant: LA The City Or The LA Kings?

2012-05-17T12:00:32Z

Next Game

Phoenix Coyotes
@ Los Angeles Kings

Thursday, May 17, 2012, 6:00 PM PDT
STAPLES Center

Complete Coverage >

So every once in a while I like to have a little fun on Twitter and on Tuesday I made this joke:

But then I got to thinking, 'Hey, I wonder who dominates Phoenix more: LA or the Kings?'

Then I ate some Sour Patch Kids.

Then I drank a Guinness.

Then I lay on my side for quite a long while.

Then I thought about putting in a patent for Sour Patch Beer but decided it would be too much trouble.

Then I watched that bizarre flamboyant man sing about going to Hell on The 700 Club at least 5 times.*

Then I told Meg to stop bugging me about who would win in a fight, M. Bison or Freddy Kruger.

Then I set out to do some research!

*"[This] is what the whole hep world would be doing every Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich."

OK actually I just googled a thing:

	Gross Metropolitan Product (GMP)	Goals For
Los Angeles (Kings)	$735,743	8
Phoenix (Coyotes)	$190,601	2
How much better is LA than Phx?	3.95x	4x

Huh, will you look at that: it looks like the city of Los Angeles and the LA Kings are kicking Phoenix's ass at an equal rate! I wonder if LA is four times better than Phoenix in everything?

Yes. The answer's yes.

Prediction: Kings win, 4-1. Goals by Brown (x4). Smith flops 4 times.

Why the Devils Must Not Win the Cup

2012-05-16T12:00:29Z

I have a co-worker that is close to my own age, and we talk pretty much constantly all day long at work. We share enough interests to get along moderately well, but we're also very different people.

This co-worker (I'll call him Donald for the purposes of this story) is a big basketball fan and, like most people, doesn't care about hockey. However since we have been working with each other for years and I like hockey very much, he's started to read more about hockey and to follow it more closely - and this is a big problem. Because Donald has decided (after watching parts of a couple of games and reading a lot of Bleacher Report articles) that he now knows everything about hockey.

To give you a proper understanding of exactly who Donald is as a person, here is a brief sampling of some of his opinions:

1. He believes basketball is the best sport because they score constantly. In his mind if scoring is good and exciting then the more scoring there is the better and more exciting a sport is.

2. He thinks alcohol should be illegal.

3. He believes hockey is bad because of the hitting. He says that hitting is "cheap" and is not a skill. In Donald's opinion basketball is better than hockey because it's purely based on "skill." Donald thinks it would be pretty easy for him to play in the NHL because all he would have to do would be to learn how to skate and hit.

4. One time we got in to an argument about race and he said that there are "only three races," apparently having a somewhat archaic view of race. I corrected him and he doesn't believe this any more, but the point is he was PASSIONATE and STUBBORN about an opinion which was completely ridiculous and based in ignorance.

5. He thinks a college degree is useless and higher education is a huge scam that doesn't teach you anything worthwhile (and in an amazing coincidence he doesn't have a college degree).

6. And, worst of all, he doesn't really care about hockey but he cheers for both the Ducks AND the Kings and gloats whenever either team wins. When I explained to him that trying to be both a Ducks and a Kings fan meant that he was really neither he rejected the idea.

Hopefully you're all with me here and understand what I'm dealing with.

Here's the problem: prior to the beginning of this season, for some reason Donald started talking about how great the New Jersey Devils were. He couldn't name anyone on their team outside of Ilya Kovalchuk, Zach Parise, and Martin Brodeur, but he was convinced that they were the greatest. They finished the previous year strong but had been awful for the first half of that season, so I didn't share his positive assessment of the team.

So we made a bet.

Donald predicted that the New Jersey Devils would win the Stanley Cup in 2012. I, of course, AS ANY RATIONAL HOCKEY FAN WOULD HAVE DONE, took the opposite view. I found pre-season Stanley Cup odds that listed the Devils as having something like 27 to 1 odds against and I confidently bumped it up to an even 30. If the Devils win the Stanley Cup I pay Donald 30 dollars. If they don't he pays me one dollar.

It became clear pretty early on in the season that the Devils would make the playoffs. That didn't worry me. Plenty of teams make the playoffs.

I was really hoping the Panthers would beat the Devils in the first round, but New Jersey managed to BARELY beat Florida. I still wasn't worried - after all, if the Devils barely managed to beat one of the worst playoff teams in the past ten years, what hope did they have against better teams?

Then they beat the Flyers pretty handily.

And now I am worried.

The Devils can not win the Stanley Cup. They must not win. For the good of the league and humanity, someone has to stop them.

It's not the money that's the issue here. It's pride. It's my sanity. Donald is already insufferable when he talks about hockey, and if he actually gets this right I will never hear the end of it. It will be a victory for smug ignorant douche-bags all over the world. If the Devils win then the only response left to me will be to murder Donald and then flee to a new state and change my identity.

And I don't want to have to do that again.

Sorry, Shane.

2012-05-16T05:15:35Z

Sorry, Shane.

Shane Doan Visits The Pearly Gates

2012-05-15T12:00:33Z

Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ Phoenix Coyotes

Tuesday, May 15, 2012, 6:00 PM PDT
Jobing.com Arena

Complete Coverage >

Shane Doan: Wait, what happened? Where am I?

St. Peter: Oh hi Shane. We've been expecting you. Shane, this is Heaven.

Shane: Oh wow, I'm humbled in your presence. I'm glad my life of piety and good deeds has put me in your presence.

St. Peter: No problem, Shane, you've earned it. Now let me just check your... oh my, uh... I'm sorry, Shane, but it looks like you're not getting in.

Shane: What?!? Seriously? I'm Shane Doan! I've always been a good, honest person. There must be some kind of mistake.

St. Peter: Umm, let me get me my manager. He may be able to help you.

God: Hi Shane, how can I help you?

Shane: Lord, why am I not worthy of Heaven? Have I not always done what you asked? I prayed, I gave to charity, I hated French people, everything you wanted. What more did I have to do?

God: Well look Shane, we appreciated all your efforts, especially the whole hating French people thing, but there was a problem with your record on the ice.

Shane: On the ice? I don't understand, I'm a captain. Everyone loves me.

God: Well you see, the thing is that you can't hide your true self on the rink. You can lie to people at home, in the locker room, even in church, but not on the ice. I'm sorry, Shane, but your actions on the ice have proven you to be... well, you're kind of a little bitch.

Shane: Damn, God, that's harsh.

God: Hey, sorry. But it's true. You can stand up for your teammates but at a certain point elbowing people and jumping into their heads just makes you a dick.

Shane: And the fact that I'm a bitch means...

God: Yeah I don't hang out with bitches. Didn't my son tell you guys, "it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a bitch to enter the kingdom of God?"

Shane: That's not how we heard it.

God: That idiot got so much wrong, I swear.

Shane: Well gee, God, is there anything I can do? I'm truly sorry for my actions. Please, God, give me another chance.

God: Hmm... well, I don't normally do this but maybe there's another way...

Shane: Please, anything!

God: Alright, I'll tell you what: I'll give you another chance. I will send you back and you'll get a chance to redeem yourself on the Phoenix Coyotes. Give another 20 years of good, honest, clean play, and when you're done I'll let you into Heaven.

Shane: ...So my options are to play another 20 years in Phoenix or spend eternity in the fires of Hell?

God: Yep. So Shane, what's it goi-

Shane: -I'm thinking.

***

Prediction: Kings win, 2-0. Both goals by Dwight. All hail the King of Kings.

The World Is Beautiful

2012-05-14T14:17:21Z

(Via our good friend Travis Hughes at SBNation.com/NHL)

I love you, Slava.

Too bad that was the only real highlight of last night's game. Yep, absolutely nothing else gif-worthy anywhere else in that game!

Lalalalalala can't hear you lalalalalala

Kings Gameday: The 'Burbs

2012-05-13T13:30:46Z

Next Game

Los Angeles Kings
@ Phoenix Coyotes

Sunday, May 13, 2012, 5:00 PM PDT
Jobing.com Arena

Complete Coverage >

So the glorious metropolitan city has to lower itself to face their ugly, misbegotten neighbor. Said neighbor has been twisted by jealousy of their more fortunate neighbor and desperately wants to win this hockey series to get a measure of revenge to somehow justify their horrible, rotten existence.

Despite that, I still think the Rangers will win in 6 games.

A few reasons why Phoenix sucks, to prep you for what's to come:

-They're a bunch of East Coasters and Canadians who moved to Arizona and were shocked, shocked I say, at all the Mexicans there

-They continue to vote for Sheriff Joe Arpaio, probably the most racist cop in America

-He's like Italian or something so where does he get off

-They think it's funny to put ~~Mexicans~~ criminals in pink underwear oh and also to make them bake in 110 degree heat with shit food and poor healthcare

-They also headquarter the University of Phoenix, which probably exploits poor Mexicans more than Arpaio does

-Phoenix desperately tries to follow in LA's footsteps but at the same time they're incredibly jealous that they'll never be quite as good as us

-They're basically Jews who, after 39 years, decided, "Ah fuck it, this is good enough."

-It's hot

-They provide a stable supply of elementary school teachers and ex-comm majors for me to have sex with when I go to Vegas

-There are probably a bunch of dudes in Phoenix mad at me for fucking their girlfriends; sorry, losers

-Luis Gonzalez was a cheating steroids abuser who stole glory from righteous American Shawn Green

-Kurt Warner was religious, which is like taking steroids

-Steve Nash doesn't eat sugar, which is the best steroid; fuck you Steve Nash

-"Phoe" = "Fee?" I call bullshit

-Remember John McCain? Don't worry, he probably doesn't either

-It's the 33rd most walkable city in the US; this is the most interesting fact about Phoenix

-Phoenix stinks, and I hate it!

-Not really, the rest of a country gives less of a shit about Phoenix than Phoenix does about its sports teams

'Prediction: Kings win, 3-2. Game-winning goal by Alec Martinez. Take that, Arpaio!

...Not The Best Starts

2012-05-12T12:00:31Z

LA vs. Vancouver, Game 1, first 10 minutes

The Good: 8 shots on goal!

The Bad: 2 penalties (Stoll 4 minutes in, Penner 10 minutes in), 1 goal against, Doughty got rocked and cut by a hit after Quick fed him a horrible pass

LA vs. St. Louis, Game 1, first 10 minutes

The Good: N/A

The Bad: Outshot 6-1 in first 5 minutes and 8-5 overall, 1 penalty (Richards 50 fucking seconds in), 1 goal against

LA vs. Phoenix, Game 1, first 10 minutes

The Good: I'm drunk!

The Bad: Outshot 2,142 to 6, Justin Williams' spine was ripped out, 1 penalty (Dwight King ejected from Earth before the puck is dropped), 1 goal against

30 Embarrassing NHL Team Name Google Image Search Results

2012-05-11T16:34:36Z

Google Image Search is a fast way to find a variety of pictures relating to a certain thing. When you search for a hockey team name, you get hundreds of results relating to that team: the logo, famous players, merchandise, etc. But when you scroll waaaaaaaaay down past all the most popular results, you can find strange and frightening things that are connected to that team's name

For each NHL team I searched for the team's name and have identified the most embarrassing, shameful, or simply insane image that comes up. Here they are for your enjoyment, along with a brief tidbit about what each picture can teach us about the team, fanbase, players, or whatever.

Anaheim Ducks

What the fuck is that?

Ryan Getzlaf and some folks in the whitest picture ever taken.

What does this teach us?

Getzlaf is a dork and a half who should never allow himself to be seen without wearing several hats and a full diving helmet.

Boston Bruins

What the fuck is that?

Some advertisement that for some reason comes up when you search for "Boston Bruins."

What does this teach us?

Boston fans are all fat.

Buffalo Sabres

What the fuck is that?

A 36 dollar 3D replica of that Buffalo logo everyone hated. It doesn't say anywhere how big it is so I'm going to assume it's ten feet tall. It's still wildly overpriced.

What does this teach us?

There is no God.

Calgary Flames

What the fuck is that?

That's Jay Feaster, GM of the Calgary Flames.

What does this teach us?

The GM of the Calgary Flames is a giant fat lesbian baby.

Carolina Hurricanes

What the fuck is that?

It's a horrible denim hat with the Hurricanes alternate logo on it, currently on sale for only 99 cents! Hurry - there are only two left!

What does this teach us?

There are two Hurricanes fans who are not stupid denim-loving rednecks. Either that or those two guys don't like hats.

Chicago Blackhawks

What the fuck is that?

A butt-ugly pink-washed clock thing from a website that crashed as soon as I tried to visit it, probably as a form of electronic suicide due to its shame over offering this piece of shit for sale.

What does this teach us?

In Chicago Blackhawks land, it's always vagina o'clock.

Colorado Avalanche

What the fuck is that?

A glittery motherfucker of an animated .gif file.

What does this teach us?

I don't know but I think I'm having a seizureafdaf afd a239029299999999999

Columbus Blue Jackets

What the fuck is that?

A piggy bank that says "Born to be a Blue Jackets Fan" on it.

What does this teach us?

Some parents hate their children and enjoy tormenting them. Seriously this thing might as well say "Born to Live a Life of Pain and Despair."

Dallas Stars

What the fuck is that?

Hahaha remember these fucking things?

What does this teach us?

Look at his metal boots. They're molded around his individual toes. That can't be comfortable.

Detroit Red Wings

What the fuck is that?

A really giant fancy wallpaper featuring Marian Hossa in a Red Wings uniform.

What does this teach us?

Sometimes, even the fanciest of lens flare effects can fail.

Edmonton Oilers

What the fuck is that?

A 22" x 34" poster of Mathieu Garon in an Oilers uniform. On sale for about 3 dollars.

What does this teach us?

The Oilers will make posters out of ANYBODY.

Florida Panthers

What the fuck is that?

A defaced Peanuts cartoon from SBNation's own Litter Box Cats, the grossest-named sports blog in the world.

What does this teach us?

Linus is a Panthers fan and also a bit of an asshole. Oh and if you Google image search "Florida Panthers" you get quite a lot of the actual animal that lives in Florida.

Los Angeles Kings

What the fuck is that?

A fan-made skin for the Sims.

What does this teach us?

There are some Kings fans who are even more pathetic and lonely than our own RudyKelly.

Minnesota Wild

What the fuck is that?

Homemade Minnesota wild rice and mushroom soup.

What does this teach us?

Minnesota wild rice apparently has a "grassy" aroma while cooking. Yum?

Montreal Canadiens

What the fuck is that?

A stop sign thing warning you to stay out of "Canadiens Country," because apparently Canadiens fans are dangerous. Like they're all probably serial rapists or something.

Aw man, it's out of stock.

What does this teach us?

The Canadiens team logo works as the letter "C" and contains the letter "H" but god damn it the logo can't ALSO be an "O" you bastards.

Nashville Predators

What the fuck is that?

Some big fat idiot who showed off his big fat painted stomach while the Predators got dismantled by the Coyotes in the playoffs.

What does this teach us?

Having no dignity can help you meet celebrities:

"I have been fortunate to meet lots of celebrities. I met Carrie [Underwood] and Vince [Gill]. We are all just Preds fans," he said, adding, "In the arena she is not Carrie Underwood, she is Ms. Fisher, she is Mike's wife. She is a hockey fan and we are just hockey fans."

New Jersey Devils

What the fuck is that?

A trash-talking image from the Myspace page for "New Jersey Devils hockey." Oh man, remember Myspace?

What does this teach us?

Some people actually do use the Jokerman font.

New York Islanders

What the fuck is that?

Everybody knows. It's one of the worst jerseys ever.

What does this teach us?

If you look at the wavy bottom of this jersey for too long you throw up.

New York Rangers

What the fuck is that?

An official advertisement from the Rangers that appeared in Newsday, as reported by deadspin.com.

What does this teach us?

The Rangers are based in one of the media capitals of the world but apparently their marketing team is full of rubes.

Ottawa Senators

What the fuck is that?

Members of the band KISS receiving Ottawa Senators jerseys.

What does this teach us?

Members of the band KISS have all thrown Ottawa Senators jerseys into the garbage.

Philadelphia Flyers

What the fuck is that?

What are you, blind? That's quite clearly Benjamin Franklin dropping the puck for a faceoff. I think this may have had something to do with new Flyers jerseys.

What does this teach us?

Benjamin Franklin is still alive, and he will come to your bullshit media event in exchange for some beer, kites, and dirty French prostitutes.

Phoenix Coyotes

What the fuck is that?

A piss-poor cartoon by some joker on AOL.

What does this teach us?

Coyotes are very difficult to draw from an off-set rear angle.

Pittsburgh Penguins

What the fuck is that?

An extremely muscular penguin furry thing drawn by a guy on deviantart. He also drew this.

What does this teach us?

The true meaning of fear.

St. Louis Blues

What the fuck is that?

An art print of some music thing that is one of many music things called "St. Louis Blues."

What does this teach us?

Blues fans are even more racist than we thought.

San Jose Sharks

What the fuck is that?

It's an anime-style picture drawn by someone on deviant art. I'm not sure if the picture depicts an original character or the most famous anime guy/girl around. If you want to know more you can probably ask blog reader Diamondback15, our official anime expert.

What does this teach us?

Sharks fans are nerdy as hell. But everyone already knew that.

Tampa Bay Lightning

What the fuck is that?

An advertisement for tryouts for the Lightning cheerleading team.

What does this teach us?

Not only does the Lightning cheerleading team have dudes on it, it has wispy blond dudes in giant baggy army pants. That's stupendous.

Toronto Maple Leafs

What the fuck is that?

A Leafs tattoo sleeve. You can buy it for about 13 dollars.

What does this teach us?

Toronto fans all wish they were shit-heads from Riverside.