Every Day Should Be Saturday

A SCENE FROM CITIZEN DELANY

2012-05-16T20:02:13Z

A huge mansion. The wind rattles huge windows. A fire burns in an inhumanly large fireplace. A man lies on a bed. His bald head rests on pillows made from sewn-together domestic beer cartons.

He receives a text suggesting a sensible playoff scenario. A frown crosses his face. He texts back "NO" without elaboration. The man is tired. In his hand, a snowglobe glows in the firelight.

Citizen Delany: "ROOOOOOOOOOOSEBOWWWWWWLLLLLLL"

He then drops the snowglobe. It rolls down one carpeted step, then another. It hits the floor, and it explodes, leaking ROTEL Cheese Dip all over the floor.

--Excerpt from the classic Citizen Delany: A Story That Is Just As Good An Explanation Of Whatever The Hell The Big Ten Is Doing To Shoehorn The Bowl System Into A Playoff At All Costs As Any You'd Care To Come Up With. The film was particularly controversial, most especially for the scene of an elephant trampling a real wolverine to death for sixty minutes that followed the legendary snowglobe sequence. Are we saying Jim Delany had a sled called The Rose Bowl he used to ride around as a child in the only happy moments of his life? No: Jim Delany has never been happy.

On Wednesday, James told MSNBC's Chuck Todd: "We didn't hire a PR firm." But when Todd pressed the...

2012-05-16T17:47:57Z

On Wednesday, James told MSNBC's Chuck Todd: "We didn't hire a PR firm." But when Todd pressed the issue, noting that James had indeed hired Spaeth Communications, James acknowledged that he had. "There are PR firms for what I needed," he said. "We needed somebody who could represent us."

Courtesy of Chuck Todd, that's Craig James lying his ass off on national television before not lying. That's great, but made funnier by page 255 of Swing Your Sword, where James and Spaeth communications staff email each other on December 28th, two days before Mike Leach is fired as coach at Texas Tech. THE ARISTOCRATS! [/snaps fingers]

LAWYER MIKE IS THE MOST FLORIDA PERSON EVER

2012-05-16T16:05:55Z

Lawyer Mike is possibly the most University of Florida fan person ever, and we say that as someone who just imagined the word "Wuerffelita" as a name for a child. (Only briefly, but even inventing something that heinous is a crime in itself.

We don't want to just give you the simple mock, though. No, internet, we want this to be a relationship, one where we take you by the hand and show you just how deep this runs, and how Lawyer Mike, attorney AND aspiring internet r 'n b star, is beyond your mockery. You may have already realized this just by looking at Lawyer Mike's tonsure-mullet. In case you did not, we illustrate this and the key elements of his Gator-osity below.

1. HAIR. It's not a mullet, it's the mullet evolved. That mullet is growing feathers, and has a prehensile thumb. It saw the monolith and picked up a bone and beat a faux-hawk to death and advanced civilization a step further down the line. This mullet has built the rocket and has won the game by sending colonists to Alpha Centuri. The beard..the beard is so high up the face it's less a chinstrap beard, and more of an equatorial cheekstrap.

2. SINGING AND MOURNFULLY MUGGING FROM VARIOUS FORMS OF TRANSPORT

3. ACCESSORIES. The two Florida colored "LIVESTRONG"-esque motivational wristbands ensure he's not just motivated, he's got enough inspirational fumes run through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid man. Hopefully the wall belongs to a court house, because he's due in one to represent a client in 10 minutes. (No, seriously. He's a lawyer with clients and everything. This makes his basic essential Floridian-ness infinitely deeper.)

He also owns the Gators' surgeon's cap, which no one has ever bought ever.

4. PRAYER.

In church, after scoring a touchdown, or with your son on the curb scaring the shit out of everyone else in the neighborhood on a random Tuesday afternoon. Anywhere, really.

5. FASHION. Cargo shorts (the new jort, if you will,) sleeveless tees, and only the most garish gator gear designed to make you resemble some kind of loudly-appointed sanitation worker from the future. Formal wear are silk-poly blend shirts, pleated pants, nothing tucked or fastened, and some kind of expensive sandal.

6. TATTOOS.

Dead relative, heroically outsized Gator tat, and the scales of justice. What you can't see? The "L" and the "M" in the scales for "Lawyer Mike." There is also a flaming basketball with hoop on his arm, because we have no doubt Lawyer Mike IS the dude who demands to play the point and jack like a thousand threes a game in pickup.

7. BEING A RAGING SUCCESS DESPITE THE STANDARDS OF TRADITION OR TASTE. Oh, you say you don't want an attorney with a side gig as a kind of one-man Color Me Badd? That would be like saying you don't want a successful football program that essentially didn't exist prior to 1990 clad in eye-destroying orange and blue, man. In other words: blasphemy. We'll pray for you, and if you don't believe it, check the back tat for proof, brah.

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/16/2012

2012-05-16T14:14:34Z

MUSCHLAB

Florida's coach feels better about things. Much better about things. Not just because he's seeing better effort and buy-in from his team, but also because this fish tank was really dirty, and now it's clean and those fish can breathe. Look at them just a-swimmin' around in there, would ya? (via ALL HAIL CATLAB)

RELEGATION WEEK UNVEILS EVEN MORE MADNESS. If you can get over how insane this all looks, you'll start to realize how well this might actually work. Does this leave open the possibility of Georgia Southern playing its way into the SEC? Oh, yes. Yes it does, those who've always wanted to taste the sweet waters of Erk Russell's beloved Eagle Creek.*

*SPOILER: It's a drainage ditch on their practice fields. Drink that water and DIE.

ROSE BOWL ROSE BOWL ROSE BOWL ROADS BOWEL ROTEL OH MY GOD IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. Dan Wetzel doesn't get why the Big Ten is so hung up on the Rose Bowl either, and clearly doesn't know about Jim Delany's lucrative job as a valet for the game. He makes, like, at least an additional three-hund-o on it bro, and that money the old lady never sees. You gotta keep a little something for just you, amirite?

LOOK, THAT NEW PRACTICE FIELD WASN'T GOING TO BUY ITSELF. Florida State is in the red, but there's a good reason for that: facilities expansion! There's also a bad reason: spending more money than you thought you'd make, and then having that bad thing happen where you have no money. We're snickering, and watching Jeremy Foley take his daily 30 miler wearing a sweatsuit made of hundred dollar bills sewn together with pure, freshly harvested saffron.

BEING NICKNAMED SQUIRT IN THE INTERNET AGE CAN'T POSSIBLY BE A BAD THING. So a player named "Squirt" isn't salacious at all because he's fast, elusive, and squirts right through holes. Wait, he plays for Dana Holgorsen? We're sorry, it's totally salacious and intentional.

ETC: Adios, sad banner ads of yore. The history of the quiet storm is soooo sexy. Kurt Busch losing his mind at Darlington is so [EXPLETIVE] entertaining. This is totally the key to the game.

NFL BLITZ HAD A VERY SUGGESTIVE PLAYBOOK

2012-05-15T20:26:00Z

1. NFL Blitz was the video game too fast for ADD. If we remember the arcade version correctly, there were a few variations between the rules of normal football and Blitz. Blitz was played with seven players on each side at the start of the snap. Then, eleven men blitzed from the bench on every play. John Brantley would later report it was the most realistic football game he'd ever seen.

2. Trent Dilfer could run for a 30 yard first down in Blitz, so, um, maybe realism isn't the word we're looking for here at all.

3. If you had to guess who knew what they were drawing up here, you'd have to say the defensive coordinator simply based on the nomenclature. Near Zone is Near Zone, Shift Right is Shift Right. This man's toolbox contains wrenches where it says it has wrenches, and not a bolt is out of place. If his car has a spoiler on it, then that car goes 185 mph and requires such stabilizing structures.

4. Then there's the offensive coordinator's playsheet. While there are some recognizable concepts somewhere in there, most of these routes involve not double, but triple moves at the very least, and contributed to Blitz's mania for quarterbacks being blasted 20 yards through the air with tiny popcorn kernels of brain matter flying from their ears. Whatever you do, Steve, make sure the routes take minutes to develop. We want this to look JUST like a Mike Martz offense run in a corn maze! That's what the people want!

5. Roger Goodell's legal staff, in retrospect, has to be very happy they eventually endorsed this product, and its playbook for the N64 edition including "CTE BRAINBLEED NUTSLAP" in the defensive playbook.

6. If the plays designed to put receiver into one tiny, bathtub-sized space did not convince you this is sheer insanity, the names should clue you in that the person making this has no clue what they're doing. This is a football playbook if written by a foreign man whose only English vocabulary has come from watching hours of free Brazzers.com clips.

Flood Slit
Black Rain
Tasty Treat
Smack You
Double Teen Anal Mesh
Deep Attack

None of these plays ever worked, and you just scrambled until something good happened.

7. ...and now we've found Houston Nutt's ur-playbook.

8. This game was magnificent. Please bring back this and Mutant League Football immediately, video game space jockeys.

Image found by Run Home Jack

THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/15/2012

2012-05-15T17:25:11Z

SURE, IT'S BO JACKSON DAY. EVERY DAY IS BO JACKSON DAY. If he did not already exist, we would have had to invent Bo Jackson, and even then people still wouldn't believe you unless you showed them the footage. Then you'd show them this piece on Bo Bikes Bama, and you wouldn't believe them all over again.

It's the shot of the fat white kid clearly thrilled to be struggling to stay on Bo's wheel that kills us, but the whole thing is full of moments that transcend the usual "athlete does good for good thing" profile story. Watch it, and then read Jon Bois and Bomani Jones attempt to gauge why Auburn's finest running back ever--and think about that statement for a minute--was the greatest athlete anyone of a certain age has ever seen.

RELEGATION WEEK ROLLS ON. The movement builds as the mothership explains how relegation actually works.

THIS IS WHERE HALL OF FAME NEWS WOULD GO IF IT MATTERED. Hall of Fames require bland consensus and asking other people what's good or bad, and for that reason alone we disdain them. The only sport really serious about their Hall of Fame discussion is baseball, and that fact alone should incinerate any perceived value Hall of Fames have.

The other refutation of any consideration of discussion of whatever the college football hall of fame: Howard Schnellenberger and Tommie Frazier are not in it. So to hell with it. If you're the kind of person who does what you do for a plaque, award, or oddly colored jacket, exit the premises immediately. A viking swings the axe because it feels right in his hands, and lets others count the heads.

TEXAS IS STILL WEALTHY, WATER STILL WET, FLORIDA STATE STILL IN ACC. The annual review of program finances confirms what you know already: Texas is wealthy, and UNLV is really the opposite of that. Please note the position of Florida in that chart. SMELL THE ASS OF OUR HEAD, MICHIGAN.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU STRESS A BERK. Mizzou's backup QB Corbin Berkstresser really committed two crimes: one, not playing lacrosse with that name, and two, leaving the scene of an accident. One is criminally actionable, and that's how you end up in jail in Columbia, Missouri, Ye Stresser of Berks.

ETC. Next Amateur? NEXT AMATEUR. Today's children can't throw an accurate ball or run, and no one's sure why. Andy would grow up to have a horrendous substance abuse problem.

CONFERENCE REALIGNMENT - MAD LIBS EDITION

2012-05-15T16:09:48Z

Today's Curious Index has been held up by Spencer's trip to traffic court but should be up shortly. Unless he insisted on trial by combat. I told him he shouldn't be so overconfident in his morning star skills.

Realignment continues to be an exhausting and inefficient way to give us what we really want - a schedule where Georgia Tech plays 11 games against a parliament of owls and goes 7-4. It does, however, serve as an excellent game for road trips! Pass this back to the kids and enjoy the laughter as they put Auburn into the ACC!

After months of speculation and rumor, (any team except Notre Dame) announced that it is leaving (conference) for (new conference, or possibly the same conference) starting with the 20(SPF level Bob Davie should use but won't minus number of years Lane Kiffin will get on his contract to coach the Redskins) season. Athletic Director (John) (kitchen tool) said that the move would "provide us with the highest level of competition from long-established programs like (Holiday Bowl loser), (perennial 8-5 team), and (basketball school)." (Transferring school) will move into the (synonym for wizard) Division for football, where they are projected to finish (any ordinal number).

Though (transferring school) maintains its payment of the (number of UCLA quarterback ribs broken this year) (unit of currency) exit fee allows it to leave without penalty, (former conference) Commissioner (first name of a Backstreet Boy) (chemical element) says a suit will be filed in (U.S. protectorate) federal court seeking to enjoin (transferring school) from leaving before 20(number of Tony Awards won by "La Cage Aux Bolles," the story of a sentient yam masquerading as an offensive coordinator). According to (same chemical element), "the issue here is whether a school has an obligation to honor longstanding scheduling commitments. We have no doubt that our conference will continue to be strong even with the loss of (transferring school). But it's tough for a (team that always loses to Tulsa) or a (wherever a Forcier is enrolled this week) to find a quality replacement on such short notice."

Many predict this move will have a domino effect on other conferences, possibly imperiling the continued existence of the (conference that rhymes with "whig yeast"). (Former conference) is said to have offered membership to (online college) and (program that always accuses better teams of cheating). Still other teams may be looking to join (new conference) thanks to a new TV deal, which guarantees each team (number of cops who saw Mack Brown strangle a drifter and said nothing) million dollars annually.

(New conference) commissioner (building material) (waffle topping) said he was confident fans would welcome the move. "This is the future of the sport - even with a (phrase that means playoff but isn't "playoff" don't you dare say that word or Roy Kramer will come to your house and hulk the fuck out), each conference needs to be as competitive as possible."

(Waffle topping) was then relieved of his duties by (traditional football power) President (popular 1920s boy's name) (popular 1920's girl's name).

The best thing on the internet right now is BHGP's uniform redesigns, and Minnesota's made us laugh...

2012-05-14T20:13:04Z

The best thing on the internet right now is BHGP's uniform redesigns, and Minnesota's made us laugh 2 death. U r welcome.