Off the Bar and Out

International Incident

2010-09-02T22:20:39Z

To the Euro qualifiers. No real matchups to set your heart ablaze, so let's look at a couple story lines.

-France's B-team, which really should have been the A-team anyway, take the field with everyone else suspended by their own federation. No question Laurent Blanc will have more of a clue than Raymond Domenech -- so would a stoned tortoise -- but what's he working with now? The on-fire Florent Malouda is still here, and one could look for Saha and Loic Remy to start up top, unless he wants to provide us all with a laugh and throw the ever more pants Karim Benzema on the field. He still has Sagna and Clichy bombing up from fullback, and this group isn't the hardest. Belarus at home should be negotiated, though Bosnia away from home promises to be tricky.

-Fabio Capello can spend two hours watching 90.000 clueless mouth breathers fashioning knives for him at Wembley Quite who the jingoistic press of the Sun and their readers wanted to take the job is really a mystery. Fat Sam Allardyce? No experience at an international level. Roy Hodgson? Maybe, though that seems a reach, and he was already committed to Liverpool. Anyway, Capello gets a chance to clear out some of the old, dead wood (i.e. Frank Lampard) and try some new blood. Adam Johnson surely will be on the wing and James Milner will get a crack in the center of midfield. Michael Dawson will start in defense one has to believe, and probably has a chance to cement a regular place there as well. Joe Hart takes over between the sticks, and barring something unforeseen will be there for a good decade or so. This group could be harder than it first looks. Switzerland can be at least obstinate, and it's not exactly like England are dripping with creativity. One never knows with Bulgaria, there are banana skins here if England take it too lightly.

-Portugal escape the clutches of dunce Carlos Quieroz for a while, and will probably continue to not produce what their talent suggests they should.

-Phillip Lahm and Michael Ballack can get in a fist fight over the captaincy on the pitch in Brussels, which should be fun for everyone.

-I hadn't realized until today that this was the time they were going to the Friday-Tuesday schedule for qualifiers, which actually makes sense. You can imagine my shock at UEFA doing something that actually seems logical.

Deadline Day Madness!

2010-08-31T23:58:49Z

Well, not really, but some interesting goings-on at the least.

-Robinho and his sulking and his 18-hour gangbangs are headed to Milan, where Ronaldinho will turn them into 24-32 hour gang bangs. And in Milan, they're obviously more fashionable than Manchester.

-Rafael Van der Vaart may be headed to Spurs, though we don't know yet. Awfully intriguing here, he would seem to play the same position as Modric, but comes with the Champions League experience. Clearly, Harry is loading up to play with only one striker in Europe, and VDV is meant to play behind a striker. Unless he tries to shoehorn either him or Modric out on a wing, but why would he do that if Bale and Lennon are in such form, and Dos Santos continues to fool everyone into thinking he can play? Keep an eye on this one.

-Sunderland broke the bank and brought in World Cup hero Asamoah Gyan, and if nothing else it gives us a name in the Premier League that's awfully fun to say. While he looked pretty tasty in South Africa, this is a striker who only managed 14 goals in 47 appearances in two seasons at Rennes, and one wonders how he'll dovetail with Darren Bent. He's not the target man that Kenwye Jones was, maybe he and Bent are too similar?

-Liverpool basically failed at everything, per usual. Unless you count bringing in Paul Konchesky something of a coup. And if you do, well, what a wonderful world you must live in.

-Across Europe, Jan Klaas-Huntelaar, who's living hasn't been clearly defined yet, is headed to be Raul's strike partner at Schalke.

And that's all the news worth printing...

US Soccer Refuses To Learn From History

2010-08-30T23:48:16Z

Just breaking is the news that Bob Bradley has signed a four year extension to remain coach of the US. Apparently, tactical idiocy and complete inflexibility is something Sunil Gulati is comfortable with. This is truly disappointing, as there were rumors that Gulati was meeting with Jurgen Kilnsman to become coach. It wouldn't shock me if the same thing happened that did last time, whereas Jurgen wished to have the control and be paid like a real manager would, and the Federation balked.

While on paper one can't necessarily complain too much about what Bradley has accomplished - he's the only manager to take the US to a major final and the second to get them out of the group stage on foreign soil - this really smacks of a lack of imagination. The Confederations Cup only contained 2, maybe two and a half, decent performances, and the US only won one game at the World Cup -- and that was over a decidedly average Algeria side at the death. On the flip side, you could argue the US didn't lose one game in South Africa in the 90 minutes. However, this is the guy who may have tossed away the Ghana game by inexplicably starting Ricardo Clark. It's not Bradley's fault that the US has no strikers beyond Charlie Davies and the touch-less Jozy Altidore, but it is Bradley's fault that he kept trying to shoehorn those below par strikers into a 4-4-2 that he refused to stray from. It's not Bradley's fault that Jose Torres biffed his one audition, but it is his that he put Torres in positions - holding midfielder - that he's complete unequipped for. It wasn't Bradley's fault that Oguchi Onweyu blew out a knee and wasn't fit, though I suppose you could argue it was his fault that he was playing in a meaningless qualifier that he got injured in. Oh, and I guess we can look forward to more Sasha Fucking Klesjtan. Joy of joys.

The US Soccer Federation had a real chance to take a big leap here, to give a real manager four years to build a team and ethos to make some noise in Brazil. They've decided to keep giving us Coldplay when we had a chance to become Radiohead. I'm gonna go punch a wall.

Ten Thoughts From The Weekend

2010-08-30T20:07:39Z

-Should we just skip to making Robin Van Persie the new Bionic Man? It's clear he's never going to last as currently constructed, with this mortal ligaments and tissues and such. That said, good win for Arsenal against a manager and side that usually finds a way to bully them around. While I still find Theo Walcott to be a complete momo, if put through where his only option is to shoot, he's pretty good at finishing those off.

-There was a time when I and others thought Carlo Cudicini was a pretty good keeper. At least I could swear there was. Maybe I hallucinated that. I did my fair share of drugs in high school. It's not good when you have one shot to save all game and you merely wave as the ball goes by. Oh, and what's the point of Wigan if they don't sell half their home tickets and only bring 60+ supporters to an away game against a Top 4 team? If they don't care, why should I?

-Well, I got one right (stop the presses!). Blackpool and Fulham looked like quite the tasty affair.

-Frank Lampard doesn't appear to be able to get out of 3rd gear these days. Not that Chelsea could look better than they do, but it'll be interesting to see what they look like whenever Lampard has to go for his operation and Essien moves into that spot, or Ramires.

-I got West Ham relegated.

-What does Harry Redknapp want with Scott Parker when what he needs is an attacking midfielder besides Modric? What does Parker do that Huddlestone and Palacios don't?

-I bet if we gave Tevez that chance ten more times and told him to purposely miss it, he couldn't do it more than once or twice.

-Though they came away with three points, being on the rack by Everton for the entire 2nd half only puts Bob Bradley closer to the Villa job. Though I don't know that'll change anything.

-I like the signing of Raul Meireles, he was the only Portugese player who looked to have a pulse at the World Cup. But I wonder if this means that Roy Hodgson is already giving up on the Cole-through-the-middle experiment. It leaves Meireles, Lucas, and Poulsen all vying for the holding role next to Gerrard if Cole stays there, or two of them if Gerrard moves behind Torres. We shall see.

-Brief thought from Spain. Madrid have about 12 attacking midfielders. Ozil, Di Maria, Canales, Ronaldo, and Alonso isn't exactly defensive either. And yet the disaster of Marcelo is still the left back. Wouldn't Ashley Cole have been a better addition instead of adding to the riches in midfield with Ozil?

Simitar Thrown By A Watery Tart: Your EPL Weekend Preview

2010-08-27T23:09:03Z

Saturday, 7:45AM EST - Blackburn v. Arsenal (ESPN 2): Weekend kicks off with a pretty interesting clash. Arsenal never seem to fly straight against Allardyce teams, and Ewood Park hasn't always been a happy hunting ground for them. Arsenal's last away game saw them struggle pretty mightily with a 10 men Liverpool side, who as we all know are pretty middle of the road right now. They were able to blow away another ten man side in Blackpool, though that game was somewhat even until the sending off. Well, not even but Blackpool had a chance or two, and I expect what is at least an organized, if not spectacular, Blackburn side to make the Gunners work for it.

10AM EST - Spurs v. Wigan (FSC): Coming off their high after drubbing Young Boys (and all the connotations with that sentence), Spurs get back to the reality of the Premier League. And what a softer landing could it be than facing the overturned clown car that is Wigan at the moment? An early goal and Wigan probably chucks in the towel, with memories of conceding nine here last year flooding back. Roberto Martinez is a great TV analyst, but as a manager he's proving to be a....great TV analyst.

Blackpool v. Fulham: The first top flight game at Bloomfield Road, should be quite the occasion. It's hard to know what to make of Blackpool. They swept aside Wigan - and that and 2.25 gets you on a public bus. They created a chance or two at The Emirates before being reduced a man saw the roof cave in. Fulham should have gotten all three points against United, but they were abhorrent on the road last season, and the opening day's draw at Bolton doesn't speak to that getting any better yet. But both teams like to go for it, a more entertaining clash than you might think is on the cards.

Wolves v. Newcastle: With their first three points in hand, Newcastle can relax a bit. They head to a simply-there Wolves side, but these are the types of games that determine whether you merely survive or can progress in the league. Remains to be seen.

Chelsea v. Stoke (FSC +): I'll go out on a ledge here and say Chelsea won't get six. Maybe.

12:15pm EST - Man United v. West Ham: There was a time when West Ham strung together a couple results at Old Trafford. But it is not this time.

Sunday, 8:30am EST: Bolton v. Birmingham: Two sides much better at home than away, so Bolton probably take this. Or a mind numbing 0-0 draw, but probably not worth waking up for if you're not emotionally involved. Sleep it off a little more.

10AM EST - Liverpool v. WBA: Hmm, let's see. What looks to be a winnable league match after a thoroughly underwhelming European excursion. This is exactly the type of match Liverpool have fucked up royally in the past few years, save two years ago. We'll see if Hodgson is different than Rafa, and Gerrard's and Torres's return to the lineup should help. They couldn't be any worse than they were in Turkey, that's for sure. If they are, shoot me in the face.

Sunderland v. Man City

Sunderland haven't had the best of starts, blowing a two goal lead on the opening day (though down a man), and then losing pretty weakly at West Brom. While that score was only 1-0, Sunderland didn't create much. They'll have to here. Man City were pushed all over by Spurs, and then did the same to Liverpool at home. So who knows what to make of them. The Stadium of Light can be a tricky trip, and if Sunderland start well Man City might revert to I-barely-know-this-guy form. Or Adam Johnson will eat souls again. Could be either.

11am EST - Villa v. Everton (FSC): Villa are another schizo, having destroyed West Ham (though who knows how hard that is right now) and then getting bent over the prison urinal at St. James Park. They crashed out of Europe on Thursday, and the honeymoon for interim manager Kevin MacDonald is already over. The pressure of playing for a manager auditioning for his job could prove to be too much, as there's no such problems with Everton. The Blues grabbed a point at home Wolves, though probably would have wanted more, after losing at Ewood Park. Still, clearly Villa are a jittery side, could make for interesting watching.

On You Spurs

2010-08-26T03:36:10Z

It was hard to remember this afternoon that there was a good half an hour last week when we thought we'd be laughing about Tottenham's attempt at the Champions League last week. But since Bassong scored at the end of the first half in Bern, there was only one team in this tie. Well, except for those two hilarious misses by Young Boys' Christian Scheuanlnalkgnlkjdgy or whatever his name was. That would have made today a little more interesting.

I usually deride Tom Huddlestone's contributions. He barely seems to move, I rarely notice him, and some of his passing can be woeful. But it also can be wonderful, and since he came on in the first half in the first leg, Spurs were a completely different side. So I've got another thing wrong there. Spurs are really solid at basically every position -- save possibly up front -- and if they can keep Michael Dawson and Ledley King in one piece (or Williams Gallas's mouth shut), they have an excellent chance of getting out of their group, depending on not getting a nightmare draw.

I still wonder about goal scoring. After all, Jermain Defoe won't always be able to fair catch a through ball to set himself up to finish (and he's going on the shelf anyway). Peter Crouch eventually will see a defender that will consider contesting a header with him, but he'll always provide a contribution. Roman Pavlyuchenko is either a force or abject awful, and there seems to be no in between ground. Do Spurs have enough goals in them?

They might if Gareth Bale continues his Jesus act, and Aaron Lennon is reigning down the right and actually providing a final product. Palacios and Huddlestone are a little one paced, but are a fine shield. Might Harry just go with Modric in front of them behind Crouch? It would certainly be a departure. You also have to compliment Redknapp's work with Benoit Assou-Ekotu, who couldn't find his ass with a road map and a flashlight with Cameroon this summer but is a fine left back who actually covers in his own end at Spurs.

Still teams taking their first crack at the group stages tend to struggle. But they'll be fun to watch.

That Last One Was Werder

2010-08-24T22:52:42Z

Dude, we're like the only ones in this stadium wearing shirts.

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-Surprisingly cracking match today between Sampdoria and Werder Bremen. This is the wonderful thing about being a footy fan, is there are so many chances just to accidentally stumble upon a game you weren't even planning on watching and be endlessly entertained (and not having a real job or adult schedule also helps). Wide open, great goals, some meaty challenges, and tons on the line. For Bremen, Marko Marin had an absolute cracker of a match, finally setting up Pizzaro's winner in extra time. Rosenberg's strike in injury time was pure class, this team could scare a few in the group stages. Would have been easier if they still had Mesut Ozil, but such is the way of the world.

For Samp, I find Antonio Cassano infinitely fascinating. There's no question he's always been disgustingly talented, but good God could he let his mouth fuck up anything. I remember him being the only Italian at Euro 2004 to apparently give a shit, but he couldn't drag them out of the group single handedly. Now he seems to have grown up slightly and just gone about the game, and he's the joy you may remember briefly seeing at Bari or Roma, when he even used to play Francesco Totti off the park. Shame he won't get to strut his stuff on the biggest of stages.

Does any Sampdoria fan wear a shirt? Is that a law or something?

-The Champions League qualifiers have featured the new ref set up, with extra officials placed behind the goal lines. I don't see how extra eyes can hurt I guess, but I don't know if they solve the right problem. To me, it wasn't that refs were missing anything, they just lacked the nerve to call penalties or balls over the line. I can't recall a significant miss of a call where the ref was unsighted. Barcelona's handball against Chelsea two seasons ago was seen, just not called. If it's still the same men with the same nerve manning these new positions, then we'll have the same problems. This isn't hockey where too much was going on behind the play for the ref to see. I would bet this causes more controversy than it solves before it's all said an done.

Ten Thoughts From The Weekend

2010-08-23T22:49:59Z

Didn't even need a deflection.

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-Chelsea are on pace to score 228 goals. While both Wigan and WBA pretty much threw in the towel after going down two, some of Chelsea's displays have been utterly coma-curing. Florent Malouda picked up right where he left off last season, and with Anelka and Drogba provided a trident up top that no one's going to match. Essien being back in the engine room makes a huge difference, and Ramires hasn't even shown up yet. Despite being an utter tool who only wears pants at training and games apparently, Ashley Cole is still unmatched at his job. There's always a team that starts the season gang busters and eventually falters, but I don't know that Chelsea is it.

-While everyone rushes to praise Paul Scholes -- and don't get me wrong, he has been and is a legend -- to me at this point in his career he's basically a bum slayer. After his goal - a peach, by the way - Scholes was hustled out of the match by Danny Murphy and Dickson Etuhu. Last season, whenever Man U came up against a team with a quality central midfield, Scholes was outdone. Etuhu could have had a brace if he didn't have the touch and awareness of a rapist. Lucas once outplayed Scholes. Against the lesser lights, he'll dominate a match. Against equals? Not so much. Man U didn't look lively at all until Nani's and Giggs' introduction. Still a problem of what to do when Rooney is not around. And Johnny Evans is a clown car.

-Gary Taylor-Fletcher might be my new favorite player. He looks like the dude who tried to fight you at closing time at the bar last night, and then he washes up on a Premier League pitch. He's bald, and fat, and ugly, and he's playing top flight footy. I love it.

-That West Ham pick is looking like genius. I've done it again.

-So's that Jermaine Beckford one. Any day now, I'll get one right.

-Spurs passed the first test that usually befalls most debut entrants in the Champions League. At a tough ground to get anything from, after a European tie, with half the team resting aching bones from a plastic pitch, they found a way to win. And that way is Gareth Bale's face. So that works.

-So much for keeping the Aston Villa job full time there MacDonald. Though I don't know how much better things will get if Bob Bradley gets the job.

-Is Kevin Nolan, Joey Barton, and Allan Smith the angriest midfield ever?

-I find Eddie Johnson's comments about their being a bias in England against Americans. No, Eddie, there's a bias against players who can't even tie their shoes.

-And finally, to this afternoon's "match". There are so many reasons I could complain about Liverpool here, there's no way I'll get them all. But today was a prime example of why not even considering Alberto Aquilani defies explanation. With Joe Cole suspended, Roy Hodgson faced the dilemma of leaving a gap in whichever position - either behind the striker or in midfield - he didn't put Steven Gerrard. With him partnering Lucas, there was no creativity just outside the box, or where Aquilani would have been or Gerrard would have with Aquilani behind him. Liverpool were out of ideas by about the fifth minute. If you play a drinking game where you take a shot every time Lucas completes a pass, I guarantee you can still drive home.

Secondly, when in a 4-4-2, Dirk Kuyt can't be a winger. It barely works when he's behind a lone striker and his runs into the box are in support. But when you generally need a winger, Kuyt comes up woefully short (on the other side, Jovanovic is looking like it's Serbian for "Dirk Kuyt"). Kuyt has no pace or touch, and his crossing ability is on par with a toddler on quaaludes. He's Ji-Sung Park without speed or skill, but with a slightly better nose for goal. Which doesn't help much when there are already two strikers taking up the positions he's trying to get to. With Cole out, maybe Hodgson's options were limited, but Danny Pacheco was eating souls at this summer's U-19's tournament, surely he's earned a punt at this point?

Oh, and Martin Skrtel apparently has come down with lupus or something, because he's been awful for a full year now.

Let's Settle In: The EPL Weekend Preview

2010-08-20T17:29:36Z

The second week is usually a let down from opening weekend. There isn't the excitement of having English Footy back, and you now know you'll be waking up dreadfully hungover for the next eight months earlier than you want to to take in your team's disappointing draw with whoever (thank god for DVR's). But summer's still around, so maybe we all just go out and do something and leave this watching business to others? Yeah, little chance of that. Anyway...

Sat., 10AM EST - Arsenal v. Blackpool (ESPN 2): Okay, now the real season starts for The Living Reflections of A Dream (that one's a little hard to get, but those who do will find it well worth it). Wigan were simply not there on opening day (what is it about former Liverpool keepers being absolutely awful?), and Arsenal will at least show up. Ian Holloway probably thinks he got what he wanted from the opening two games, and won't be terribly bothered with shutting Arsenal down with 11 men in his own area. Blackpool will try and come at Arsenal, which could work, but more likely will lead to an absolute tonking. Arse weren't impressive at all at Anfield, and needed Pepe Reina to paddycake into his own net as if Jessica Rabbit was in there. Still, it's one thing to go against a midfield of Mascherano and Gerrad without your best player, and Blackpool at home.

Everton v. Wolves (FSC): Everton found a way to lost at Blackburn, with Tim Howard gift-wrapping a goal. A side short of goals opening at home should see David Moyes opt for two up top, and not counting on Tim Cahill to constantly pull his ass out of a sling. Wolves come in after a pretty impressive opening win over Stoke, with David Jones pretty clever freekick the highlight. Goodison has been something of a fortress in the past, we'll find out a lot about Everton and if they're going to have their customary toilet start to the season after this.

Stoke v. Spurs (FSC+): Ah, Spurs get their first taste of trying to win a tough league game after Champions League adventures, where they were floored for a great portion of it. Peter Crouch is going to have to play up top alone, because everyone else is hurt. This could see either Modric or Dos Santos floating in behind in a 4-2-3-1 set up, or it would have if both of those guys weren't also carrying knocks, something Harry should get used to if he wants an extended Champions League stay. Stoke were beaten by Wolves last week in a pretty entertaining encounter, and will relish being at home against a Spurs side robbed of most of its teeth. With eyes looking to Wednesday, Stoke could steal this one.

West Brom v. Sunderland: Assuming West Brom's been able to sit down since returning from their trip to Stamford Bridge, they should be looking at this one rather excitedly. Sunderland weren't very good last week, and don't appear to do anything well. This is the kind of team Di Matteo should be able to attack and be successful. If not, well, Championship football will be back at The Hawthorns.

Birmingham v. Blackburn: Brum did well to earn a draw at The Stadium of Light, though they had a helping hand from the Mackems. Blackburn deservedly beat Everton at home, but Brum were pretty stout at home last season. If that continues, it's hard to see Rovers breaking them down.

West Ham v. Bolton: My pick for surprise team of the year started out by getting flattened by the kids of Villa, so that's going according to plan. Bolton didn't manage a goal last week, and never looked like getting one. For the die-hards only.

12:15pm EST - Wigan v. Chelsea (FSC): Duck.

Sunday, 8:30am EST - Newcastle v. Villa (FSC +): While Villa have had an excellent opening two games -- the win over West Ham and the draw in Austria -- this kind of back end of a three game week is exactly what their short squad struggles with. And whatever has been on the pitch, St. James is usually not for the feint of heart, and first game back in the Premier League should see the Geordies baying for blood. Though they were outclassed at Old Trafford, Newcastle probably get this one on pure adrenaline and emotion.

11am EST - Fulham v. Man United (FSC): A ground where United have struggled recently, but that was under Roy Hodgson and not Mark Hughes, whose teams generally roll over to have their belliies tickled by master Alex. Don't expect any different here.

Europa, A Bluer Kind Of White

2010-08-20T04:34:56Z

Pardon the U2 reference, but Zooropa is the only thing that rhymes with Europa, and seeing as how Europa League is the only thing going on today, my hands were tied. Anyway...

-All English sides had decent if not spectacular results. Man City got the away goal they'll need, provided by Mario Balotelli, which was only natural after I questioned his acquisition and if he would really solve their striker problems. Liverpool were apparently pretty average against Trabzonspor, but didn't concede an away goal and a scoring of their own will probably see them through. But that's trickier than normal in Turkey, and those supporters have a tendency to light their stadiums on fire (I know it's Fenerbache, but still this video is cool and we'll look to link it any chance we get). Villa's kids were able to draw with Rapid, and score an away goal, so I'll good there.

-Apparently William Gallas will be taking his sulk and waning ability across North London to Spurs. Remember when those Spurs fans pelted the Arsenal bus with projectiles when Sol Campbell first showed up as a Gooner? Yeah, that probably won't happen here. Is this the best you can do to cover for your permanently crocked center defenders, Harry? This nutbar? Can't wait to see what striker comes in too (and the pants-when-he's-not-in-a-German-shirt Miro Klose is not an answer).

-Looks like Javier Mascherano might be staying but Aquilani is going? Barca haven't stumped up the cash for Masch, and they might not have it. Meanwhile, Roy Hodgson has decided Aquilani is not in his plans and will farm him out to some Italian club. This is asinine to me, because besides for Gerrard Liverpool don't have any creativity from midfield, if you consider Joe Cole an auxilary striker which is where they play him. Masch, Poulsen, and Lucas all fall into the destroyer category. Though Aquilani didn't show much last season due to injury and Rafa incompetence, he's still a player and Pool would be wise to hang on to and use him. But they won't, so whatever.

-Preview up for the weekend tomorrow.

Kurt Cobain Harry Redknapp Is Not

2010-08-17T23:13:48Z

While everything was going tits up for Spurs in Switzerland I texted Jamie that I really wish it I disliked them in any way, as this was pretty hilarious. His response was wait for Harry Redknapp's postgame press conference when he would blame everyone but himself. So it proved.

Harry couldn't wait to lambast the Field Turf surface, which he claimed led to him making four changes, leaving out Ledley King, Robbie Keane, Aaron Lennon, and Tom Huddlestone (who came on in the first half anyway). Notice there wasn't a peep before the game, only when he lost did he mention it. And Gio Dos Santos is, supposedly, not a huge drop off from Lennon, at least to hear Harry tell it. By this point, this team should be well accustomed to not having Ledley King around, and Wilson Palacios v. Tom Huddlestone is at least a push. So clearly, Harry, the surface is not an explanation for the defensive shambles your team was in the first half.

Tottenham's fortunes changed when Keane entered the fray, even though they're doing their best to flog him to whoever will take him. Sebastien Bassong was at sea for the entire half, and Michael Dawson wasn't much better. While deploying Luka Modric in the middle does provide extra creativity, in a game where you're not dominating possession you're going to lose some bite. Redknapp continues with Jermaine Defoe, even though he hasn't really been of use since the calendar hit 2010. Then again, he doesn't have too many other options. He will have Roman Pavlyuchenko to think, who linked beautifully with Keane and finished with venom to bring Spurs back into it. Now he'll probably go back to not starting for a month.

Spurs should overcome this deficit next week, but then again they shouldn't have shipped three goals. If they concede before scoring twice, things will get interesting. In reality, Young Boys (which leads to a whole roster of jokes I'm not comfortable making) should be up two or three, as counter attacks led to two frankly groin grabbingly funny misses from sub Christian Schneuwly. This after some more flapping at a cross from Gomes, who treats every cross like he's being attacked by bees.

Still, fun stuff awaits next week in North London...

As you were: the Premier League weekend review.

2010-08-15T19:02:50Z

Ah,. shit it

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It's been a relatively quiet summer, unless you find yourself clad in the light blue of Manchester's second club (and let's face it, there are a lot who do indeed find themselves in that predicament). Generally the watchword has been caution - a relatively modest outlay on new players, a retention of the majority of the squad and consolidation throughout the world cup ahead of the challenges ahead. City are, of course, the elephant in the room in this respect, although even in Eastlands the threads of the past have come to dominate the expectations of the future (just how many extortionately priced defensive midfielders can one club have?). But on the whole, for whatever reason, the majority of fans on opening day were expecting more of the same - albeit tinged with the hopeless optimism that the start of the season brings to us all. As it happens, more of the same was exactly what they got...

Chelsea will still batter rubbish teams at Stamford Bridge

Chelsea 6 (six), West Bromich Albion 0. A result which really wouldn't look out of place in 2009/10, given that Ancelotti's team won by four or more goals on no less than nine occasions at Stamford Bridge last season. Those matches usually saw a ruthless Chelsea team take apart a limited and demoralised outfit (think Wigan, Sunderland, Bolton and Blackburn) with a flurry of second half goals, typically driven on by a stellar performance by Frank Lampard, as was the case today. Stand back and be impressed, but try not to read too much into it. It's a result which is useful to the Blues' goal difference, but as anyone who witnessed their picking apart by Manchester United in the Community Shield will attest, there's still a lot of work to be done on this project. Having said that, the fixture list has been kind to Chelsea - there isn't really a challenge until they rock up at Eastlands at the end of September - so there's plenty of time to work up some further momentum before coming up against a real team. Stoke and Blackpool are the next visitors to Stamford Bridge - don't know about you, but I don't fancy their chances much.

Manchester City will still be constrained by Roberto Mancini

Manchester City spent £130 million during this summer. They brought in the attacking guile of David Silva, the raw talent of Mario Balotelli and are close to securing the dynamic energy of James Milner. Yet as long as their manager sends them out on the field with the mindset of ‘not losing' rather than taking all three points, a tilt at the title will remain the stuff of fantasy. Starting three defensive midfielders is nothing less than an admission of fear. It leaves the top three isolated (and remember, one of those top three was the desperate excuse for a footballer that is Shaun Wright-Phillips) and places ‘not conceding' far above ‘actually scoring' as an objective. And even with the negative set-up, City still looked all over the place and vulnerable, being saved by a virtuoso performance by England's new number one, Joe Hart. If Mancini's men are to genuinely challenge for the title, they'll need to gel much better, and also to set their stall out in a much more positive fashion from now on. ‘Win at home, draw away' used to work back in the 1980s - it doesn't anymore.

Liverpool will still contrive to bugger it all up

A resolute, determined and disciplined second half performance, all undone by a moment of madness. What on earth was Pepe Reina doing?

Arsenal will still flatter to deceive

There can't be many narratives in football which have rung so true and gone on for so long as Arsenal's ability to dominate possession yet somehow contrive not to score. A typical Arsenal game goes something like this: pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, overhit cross. Pass, pass, pass, pass, pass, lose the ball stumbling over. Pass, pass, pass, pass, give possession away attempting a pirouette drag-back, opposition shot, keeper error, concede. There was a point this afternoon when the possession stat was something like 70-30 in Arsenal's favour, yet the only chance of note had come from a 30-yard Vermaelen ‘twat it' free kick. On the day he confirmed a new three year contract, Arsene Wenger could reflect on the fact that he still hadn't solved the same problems that were evident three years previously - an inability to finish a move, and an utterly shit keeper. Until at least one of those issues is resolved, the chance of a title remains completely out of reach.

Wigan will continue to be a total joke of a club

For the moment, let's put aside the fact that the club got tonked 4-0 by a newly promoted side who had actually sold most of their best players. Let's instead talk about the attendance. The ‘DW Stadium' (which, by the way, wins the award of ‘most horrific football ground name in history') has a capacity of 25,138. On Saturday - the opening day of the football season, no less - a grand total of 16,152 people turned up to watch their team play. 4,000 of those were Blackpool fans. That a club in England's top division can fill less than half their stadium with their own fans on the most exciting day of the footballing calendar says it all about Wigan. We should all just acknowledge that it's a rugby town with a rugby focus, so the sooner the football club f*cks off to the lower leagues and lets a Nottingham Forrest or Leeds United come up in their place, the better. More days like this please. Also, Blackpool are pretty nailed on to ‘do a Hull' now (i.e. start well, then go on a record breaking run of crapness).

Bolton will still bore you to tears

Owen Coyle did very well in dragging Wanderers out of the mire last year, but if this weekend's result proved anything, it's that a leopard doesn't change its spots. Lumping it up to Kevin Davies seems to be engrained in the very DNA of most Bolton players. Klasnic probably should have been introduced a bit earlier, but all in all, both managers will probably be happy with an undefeated start of what could be tricky campaigns.

Everton will still lack the consistency and luck to break the top four

I really like Everton. They have a lot of players I genuinely rate - Arteta, Fellaini, Saha, Rodwell. I'd love them to do really well this season - it would be just reward for the incredible job that David Moyes has done on the limited budget he's been afforded. But if they are to make a splash, these are the sort of games they need to take something from. On the whole it was an unremarkable match, with chances few and far between, and a draw would have been a fair result. But because of one piece of sloppiness from T-Ho, they've gone and thrown away points that they really should be picking up if they want to make a bid for a European place. Get it right, and that team's a contender - get it wrong, and it's likely to be broken up with richer clubs coming in for the picking. Let's face it, they could start with getting rid of that pink shirt.

Everyone else will continue to be unmemorable

Games like Wolves - Stoke and Sunderland - Birmingham are the sort that no-one apart from the respective supporters give more than a passing thought to.

Watery Tarts Throwing Swords: Your Opening EPL Weekend Preview

2010-08-13T20:39:20Z

Alex Livesey - Getty Images

Apropos of nothing.

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Before we get to it, the rumors are swirling that Bob Bradley has resigned to chase the Villa job. If you're a US or Birmingham supporter, this is great news. But I'll wait until anything is official before commenting further. Anyway, to it:

7:45 EST - Spurs v. Man City (ESPN 2): The two sides contesting fourth spot last year get right back at it again. League debuts for Jarome Boateng, and Yaya Toure await. Seeing as how David Silva was running around the brown much of Azteca not two days ago, he's probably only going to be on the bench. Spurs will show off their new signing....oh wait, that's right. City are going to piss the hell out of one of their keepers, Shay Given and Joe Hart, with whoever not starting probably moving by the end of August if they can piss and moan enough. A cracking match to open the season, with the Spurs supporters probably not hesitating to remind all who's in the Champions League this year and who's not. Carlos Tevez remains unconscionably ugly.

10AM EST - Villa v. West Ham (FSC): A match of claret and blues, who each could be headed in opposite directions. Possibly. Villa are undoubtedly about the back up, with no manager and the team ready to flog one of its more important pieces in James Milner. It's only a matter of time before Agbonlahor, Young, and others look to the exit door as well. An ugly home loss just seems so right here. Then again, rumor had it the players were so overjoyed that Martin O'Neill hit the bricks that maybe they come out flying. You could make the argument this is the first time we see what kind of manager Avram Grant is. He inherited a loaded Chelsea squad that coached itself, and Portsmouth were doomed anyway so what was there to do there? There is talent at Upton Park, we start to find out if he can make it produce at what could be a vulnerable opponent.

Blackburn v. Everton: Everton always find a way, and starting with what could be a relegation candidate is a nice start. Blackburn haven't done anything this summer, and no one can figure out who the hell they finished 10th last season, and frankly it's about time Fat Sam's magic ran out.

Bolton v. Fulham: Fulham start life under Mark Hughes with one of their most important players, Mark Schwarzer, aching for a move away. That's never good. Roy Hodgson's success was built on a pretty solid defense, and Hughes got shitcanned from City for turning their defense into a flaming short bus, so it'll be interesting to see what happens here. Bolton are Bolton - boring, ugly, but functional and finding a way. Doubt much changes here. Don't set the DVR unless you own a Bolton for Fulham scarf.

Sunderland v. Birmingham: More than a few have tipped Sunderland to threaten being relegated. They might be a little too solid for that, but with Kenwye Jones shipped off and Darren Bent not fit, a team of scientists may be required to figure out how they're going to score. Especially against a Birmingham side that specialized in keeping things tight last season. Serbian beanpole Nicola Zigic will make his debut in a game that can't possibly feature more than one goal.

Wigan v. Blackpool: Notable only for the old Buccaneer colors making their first appearance in the Premier League.

Wolves v. Stoke: Move along.

12:30 EST - Chelsea v. West Brom (FSC): Though the Chelsea squad is a little jaded from having almost the entirety of it competing in South Africa (well, I don't know if Anelka "competed", but he was there), and Drogba out, it's still not fathomable to see how they don't thump the Baggies at home to begin their defense. This is the kind of match they've specialized in not fucking up. And they won't here.

Sunday, 11AM EST - Liverpool v. Arsenal (FSC): Geez, why don't you not wait around before jumping into the big matches or something? This match drips with intrigue. How will Joe Cole look? Will Liverpool look refreshed after not being burdened by their fatigue of Benitez? Will David Ngog look like he has a clue for a whole match with Torres assuredly on the bench at best? How will Fabregas be now that he's not buried in Barcelona home listings? How impossibly bad can whatever keeper Wenger throws out there be? Who's playing defense for Arsenal? Is Marouane Chamakh going to be Francis Jeffers or Slyvain Wiltord (like, that Wiltord that was quite useful for about 18 months. Not the one that was total crap for the rest of it)? The answers come Sunday, Neo.

Monday, 3pm EST - Man United v. Newcastle (ESPN 2): Welcome back to the top, Geordies. Now remove this red and white foot from your ass.

The EPL Preview - All Right, Who's Going To Win The Thing?

2010-08-12T23:11:30Z

Shaun Botterill - Getty Images

"Hey, is Terry here? Good, means he's not doing my wife."

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It's been said many other places, but the English always used to make fun of Scotland for having only two teams. Sadly, it's the same below Hadrian's Wall as well. There hasn't been a champion hailing from other than West London or Stretford in six years, and it doesn't look likely that's going to change this time around.

The pretenders: Man City have bolstered the squad, but were 19 points off the pace last season. Can that really be made up in one year? Doubtful. Other than Tevez, their strikers don't exactly convince, and the incoming nutcase Mario Balotelli isn't a cure all. While Mancini may sort out the defense, there just don't appear to be enough goals here to sustain a season long challenge, unless David Silva is going to crash in 15 from midfield. Top four very possibly, but top one is out of reach for now.

Arsenal - The talent is there, but the consistency is not. The midfield is flooded with players who vary wildly from awesome to abhorrent, seemingly week to week. The problem of who fills in for Van Persie when one of his muscles goes twang may be solved by Marouane Chamakh, but we don't know that. Rosicky and Arshavin are made of glass. The defense wasn't bullet proof last season, and is now made up of Vermaelen and.....who? Jonathan Djourou? Unconvincing at best.

As for other's, Liverpool's first 11 are a match for anyone, but the drop off to the rest of the squad is bone shattering. Spurs may have maxed out to finish fourth, have no striker you can count on for a year and a collection of defenders who need all the king's horses and all the king's men to play two consecutive games. Not happening.

So, once again, it's blue vs. red. Both teams this summer have stood relatively still. Chelsea have brought in Ramires from Benfica, which is actually a very good buy. It gives the midfield more steel, gets Obi Mikel off of it regularly, and probably allows Essien to roam a little farther forward. Yossi Benayoun is basically a straight swap for Joe Cole, but won't let you down. Other than that, it's the same team that won the league last year. Drogba is a little behind on fitness, so they'll count on Florent Malouda playing out of his skull once again. I can't see how Chelsea, barring injury, will be much worse than they were last season, unless Drogba completely loses form and Anelka can't fill in for him admirably again and Lampard finally gets old and Essien has a leg fall off or something.

For the Red Half of the debate, the story is kind of the same. Chris Smalling has been brought in, presumably for when Vidic goes all cock-eyed at some point, or if Rio Ferdinand can't every be healthy. Javier Hernandez -- there's no fucking way I'm ever going to refer to him as Chicharito (I'm an American and Liverpool fan, so excuse me if I don't attach a stupid nickname to a Mexican who's going to be a pain in my ass for a decade) -- has been brought in to hopefully pick up the burden when Rooney isn't carrying them, which is what led to their downfall last season. But that seems a lot to ask for a teenager in his first year in England, with the inevitable ups and downs he will have. Valencia had a brilliant end to the season, and if he does that for the whole one this time it will make a difference. Nani actually showed a pulse as well, and Scholes and Giggs are clearly using HGH or something. But the problems of last year still seem to be around.

So I'll go for as you were, as a Chelsea title is only just slightly less nauseating than a Man U one.

The EPL Preview: Who's Going Down?

2010-08-11T06:18:56Z

Blackpool. There, that's one.

In all seriousness, it's hard to fathom how they got here in the first place, and even harder how they'll even stay in it say past Christmas. There's barely any quality here, and when you're counting on Brett Ormerod, you're banking on a miracle. Next.

West Brom have been here before, and left pretty quickly each time except for once. Roberto Di Matteo may be an up and coming manager, but it seems to be in the Baggies DNA to run scurrying for the exit door once they get a look at the big table. They'll be entertaining, they rarely try and grind their way to results, so you have to give them points for that. But not enough points, I fear. There just don't look like there's enough goals here to keep them up. And the last time they stayed up they were piss poor but were lucky in that some other teams magically found ways to be piss poorer (or pisser poor?). Maybe that happens again, maybe it doesn't.

Newcastle were too talented to go down in the first place, and I doubt they'll find a way to cock up so badly again. But this is Newcastle, where anything and everything is possible. Kevin Keegan and Alan Shearer could actually suit up at some point, and I think I'd barely raise an eyebrow.

Wolves will be in the discussion. They were a bore last season, and I don't think the signing of Steven Fletcher is going to solve the problem of scoring. But they were well organized, and tougher than hell to break down, and that formula can work again. If they try and open up though, they'll be beating a hasty retreat to the Cola-ship.

Sunderland have signed Titus Bramble, so there's a chance there.

I would love nothing more than to say that Fat Mouth Sam Allardyce is going down with Blackburn. It was he who started Newcastle's tumble down the drain, though they didn't quite manage it that season. Blackburn were pretty much nondescript last season, can you remember any of their games? But they somehow finished 10th (I had to look that up) and have stood still transfer wise while waiting for a new owner, which is never good. But even standing still, it's hard to see a team that had 50 points going backwards enough to be bounced.

Which brings us to Wigan. They barely survived last season, and may have had the clown car at Portsmouth to thank for it. Teams that try and play open at the bottom end tend to snuff it in the second season Ipswich, Reading, Hull, and others. Martinez is a genuinely bright guy and you root for him, but the JJB or whatever it's called doesn't seem to have any fans, so who's rooting for him there? The squad is thin, there isn't a decent striker to be found, and the only ray of hope is they were able to ship off Bramble to Wearside. They'll be gasping for air in May.

Questions Are The Answers You Might Need - The EPL Preview: Can Spurs Do It Again?

2010-08-09T21:15:05Z

Andy Marlin - Getty Images for the New York Re

This is seriously the only Tottenham photo I could find.

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Before we get to that, some mention of Martin O'Neill's departure today from Aston Villa. One can only suspect that O'Neill didn't like what he heard it terms of the club and team's ambition. He had Gareth Barry sold out from under him, and James Milner is all but certain to follow the same, overhyped and overpriced path. One can only speculate, but either he wasn't going to be given all the cash from that sale to rebuild a thin squad that has wheezed its way to the finish line the past two seasons. Either that, or Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor were not on the "don't touch" list. They certainly won't be now. One wonders how long these promising players are going to want to stick it out at a club that appears to have maxed out its capability. Should that happen, Villa could be in for some dark times. While owner Randy Lerner has done better here than he has with the Browns, Villa fans and the Dog Pound should be sharing beers sometime soon.

Anyway, to the question of the day, and that is can Spurs stay in the top four. You can find predictions everywhere that says they'll challenge for the title or collapse out of everything like the last team to crack the private meeting room, Everton (who fell at the first Champions League and UEFA Cup hurdles and were not heard from in the league). One difference is that A) they haven't drawn a team from a powerhouse league as Everton did with Villareal and B) they actually should be able to attract players to come play for them -- whereas Everton couldn't get anyone with a bevy of drunken Maxim models in tow.

But they haven't yet. They're still going to rely on the players that got them where they were. Which means they'll keep praying that Ledley King stays in one piece for more than five minutes, and counting on Sebastien Bassong when he doesn't, and needing Michael Dawson to maintain the high standards he set last season. It means that Modric and Kranjcar will be required to provide the inspiration from midfield, and Tom Huddlestone to finally explain to everyone what he does for a living. It means Aaron Lennon will continue to terrorize full backs with his pace, and then entertain them with his inability to cross. Though that changes once a month or so. And David Bentley will have two good games this season, and never be heard from again.

With Peter Crouch rumored to be on his way and Robbie Keane certainly going, Spurs will be counting on Jermaine Defoe and whoever they buy. Defoe is an interesting study, as when he's not scoring he's barely helping, and he's streakier than a meth binge. Pavlyuchenko is a fine third striker, and probably should be higher. But it took forever for Harry to trust him, and who knows how quickly that will go. Spurs simply need strengthening here, and decoding how they will fare depends on this.

Will Spurs be worse? No. This is still a very strong midfield and assuming Michael Dawson doesn't collapse a pretty solid defense. But Spurs have stood still, while Man City and Liverpool figure to be better than they were last year. The top three certainly haven't moved backwards, so stating that Spurs can catch them is pretty farcical. Is this squad big enough to get out of a Champions League group? Doubtful, as they'll be drawn in the third pot, one would have to guess and will be thrown in with two experienced teams at least. Will the extra games burden them? They appear to have a squad that can just barely handle it. But 5th sounds just about right, unless some striker comes waltzing through the door.

Questions Are The Answers You Might Need - The EPL Preview: Who Will Be The Breakout Player?

2010-08-06T21:29:42Z

When looking for who might burst onto the scene this year, one has to find a balance of a player who will actually see the field, the players they are surrounded by, and who is managing them. Though Adam Johnson started coming on the scene last year, one wonders if the arrival of David Silva and the constant panic that Man City operate in one wonders if he will consistently start.

Much has been made of Javier Hernandez's arrival at Old Trafford, but Sir Alex usually opts to play Rooney by himself and even with two strikers one would guess that Hernandez and Rooney would want to occupy the same spot. So it's doubtful he'll get enough starts as well to claim this prize. No doubt talented, and he'll contribute from the bench and in Cup competitions or should Rooney get hurt. His teammate Gabriel Obertan is likely to get more chances, and is a slightly better candidate, especially if Nani reverts back to the waste-of-space, would-rather-be-banging-Ronaldo's-leftovers form than the quite useful player we saw last campaign.

Liverpool have a candidate in Dani Pacheco, who started last night in their Europa League qualifier. But again, he's buried on the depth chart, and unless he really sizzles early in the year won't get much of a chance. Martin Kelly would be a better bet, as he plays left back and only Fabio Aurelio is ahead of him, and he gets hurt tripping over a lady bug.

Looking outside the big clubs - and I'll accept that I've just insulted all Everton supporters a la Rafa Beneathus -Jermaine Beckford would be a tasty choice. David Moyes has never hesitated to throw a youngster right out there, and is brilliant at developing them. Secondly, all Everton strikers go through patches of inconsistency (Yakubu) or injury (Saha) or are just plain pants (Anicheb). Now it's awfully different scoring goals in Division One than it will be in the Premier League, and it took Bobby Zamora seemingly 47 years to translate his Brighton form to the top division. And a lot will depend on if Arteta can stay fit, along with Pienaar to provide service. He's one to keep an eye on.

There's the Birmigham duo of Roger Johnsson and Scott Dann, who really broke out last year. Loic Remy could wash up at Stoke (?!) and be a thing. There's the previously discussed Marouane Chamakh at Arsenal. But of course, it'll be someone I haven't mentioned, because I never get these things right.

Questions Are The Answers You Might Need - The EPL Preview: Who Will Be The League's Biggest Disappointment?

2010-08-05T21:04:11Z

Shaun Botterill - Getty Images

Please let Xavi retire, please let Xavi retire...

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Again, a funky question because you can always move the goalposts on this one. But essentially, we're talking about a team that doesn't come close to expectations, or as it's known around these parts, Liverpool '09-'10. So while I'd like to say Aston Villa, squad too thin, center of midfield being stripped and old - what did we expect of them anyway? 7th place? So they'd have to finish bottom half to qualify, and even that wouldn't be a shocker.

One would love to roll in here and say Man City. They still have a coach who treats attacking like it's an STD, if Adebayor and Bellamy leave that leaves only Tevez as a striker who can consistently score (and his clock to start bitching and aching for a move elsewhere is about to run out), and this is a defense that is still consisting of Joleon Lescott and Kolo Toure, so the chance for hilarity is always there. But we know Man City are going to buy ridiculously either now and in January, it's just a matter of who. We have no idea what the squad will look like even a week from now. I don't think Balotellit is going to help exactly, being an utter tool as he is. As presently constructed, they'd be the answer to this question, as it doesn't look like a top four squad. But we'll reserve judgement.

Which brings me to Arsenal. Yes, a backup to Robin Van Persie has finally been brought in Marouane Chamakh. But 14 goals in the French League don't exactly scream a show stopper in his first year in England. The midfield is still filled with players who vary wildly from brilliant to a farce, that is when they're not forming a conga line to the training room. But most of all, the Cesc question is going to hang over their heads all season. Remember when Steven Gerrard did this the first time? Liverpool stumbled to a 5th place finish as every time something went wrong every fan and player looked at him and wondered, "Is this the breaking point?" (though they did miraculously go on to win the Champions League, and we still haven't really figured out how). Maybe Arsenal know he's gone for sure after this season anyway, and can relax. But then does he give it his all if there aren't trophies within grasp? Arsenal would have had a tough fight on their hands had Liverpool not been woeful and Man City capable of scoring. With the Pool almost incapable of being that bad again, and surely someone who can score coming to Eastlands, could the Gunners slip out of the Top 4? It's not totally out of the realm...

Questions Are The Answers You Might Need, Your EPL Preview: How Good Will Liverpool Be?

2010-08-04T01:37:34Z

Clint Hughes - Getty Images

Roy kind of looks like everyone's uncle that your mother won't let you talk to.

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Well, I have to get this one out of the way pretty quickly, and I think we all knew that. With Liverpool being twice in the news today -- Torres announcing he's staying (though these things can change as quick as a large roll of bills being waved under one's nose) and the takeover bid by Chinese uber-rich dude Kenny (Kenny?) Huang -- it's apt to look at what the Reds might look like this season.

Certainly, a lot depends on if the team is sold before Aug. 31 and allow new manager Roy Hodgson to strengthen the squad without limits or not. As of right now, Mascherano is going for a heavy price, and the replacement being bantied about - Defour, Parker, Poulsen, are all capable. But Masch's departure might not be all that crippling. Liverpool's problems in the past were not due to lacking steel in midfield.

And any team with Gerrard and Torres, if they both stay healthy for a majority of the time, are a threat. Hell, these two nearly dragged this team to the title alone just the season before last (with a little help from Yossi Benayoun who was off the charts good then, too). And a defense anchored by Martin "Skeletor" Skrtel and Daniel "I've got more tattoos than him" Agger should be pretty stout, as age catches up with Jamie Carragher. But past that, there are so many questions.

Does Joe Cole have anything left? Years of injuries and irregular starts at Chelsea should mean he's a young 29, but how young? Will he be satisfied on the wing? Will he play in Gerrard's spot with Gerrard shifting back in midfield? Will Jovanovic be any good? Can Glen Johnson actually play defense once in a while? Well, we know the answer to that one. What happens when Torres gets hurt, which he already is? No one seems to have answers for these.

Part of Rafa's downfall was his inability to develop young players to provide anything for the first team. Ryan Babel was coveted by everybody, and hasn't been able to establish a run in the first team in three years. By now even my beagle knows he's going to cut in from the left and fire a shot on his right, generally it heads somewhere towards Venus. David Ngog proved to not be nearly ready to replace Torres when he got hurt as the lone striker. Lucas has gone from being abhorrent to only being able to take up space. Dani Pacheco never got a sniff of the first team, and now looks set to be off. Can Hodgson get more out of these? He may have to if he can't buy to shore up the squad.

So basically it's impossible to predict where it will all end up. On top of that, you have a manager who hasn't been at this level in years, and the last time he was was at Inter when they weren't the giants of Seria A. How will he hold up under the increased scrutiny? It's one thing to take a team and make it overachieve to a top half finish that's considered miraculous. It's another to take a squad that underachieved by a factor of 12 and bring them back. But that's the rub. On paper, it's a complete joke that this team finished so far off the pace of the Top 4. If they can get some results early, maybe belief sets in. But how many bad results will it take before they chuck it? Can Roy put that off?

The early fixtures aren't kind, opening with Arsenal and Man City. But a healthy Torres and a happy Gerrard get this team back in the mix of the Top 4. Other things going right -- a return to form for Joe Cole, one of the buys to replace Mascherano turns into a revelation, the development off Babel/Ngog or someone else -- could see them challenging for much more.

Questions Are The Answers You Might Need: The EPL Preview

2010-08-02T19:35:34Z

It's getting close to that time. We're two weeks away from knowing what we'll be doing while we cure our hangovers with an Irish breakfast down at the pub. With that in mind, it's time to get a preview of the league going. Instead of going team by team, which you can find other places -- and done much better there -- we'll go with asking a question each day about the upcoming season, and trying to figure out the answer. So today...

Who Will Be The Surprise Team Of 2010-2011?

This is a tricky one, because the definition of a surprise is so loose. If Blackpool manage more than 20 points, that'll be a surprise. If Newcastle aren't hilarious in one way or another, that's a surprise. If Sam Allardyce doesn't successfully fellate himself, that's a surprise.

Obviously, I'd love to sit here and say Liverpool will open some eyes, just because expectations are so low. They will be intriguing to watch, with Joe Cole and whoever they get to replace Mascherano. They have some kids in Pacheco, Kelly, Ayala, and Spearing who have been knocking at the door for a couple years now and could make a difference. But this team still hinges on Gerrard, who'll chuck it as soon as something goes slightly wrong, and Torres who either has mentally checked out already or won't be healthy enough for long enough to make The Pool title contenders. So I won't go there.

Aston Villa generally surprise for half a season, and then run out of gas with their small squad. They still haven't really beefed that up, are about to lose James Milner and everything else hinges on that. But they've held on to Ashley Young and Gabby Agbonlahor, so they won't be bad. If the 25 million coming for Milner goes to buy two quality players, we'll come back here. But not now.

I don't see anyone outside crashing the contender party, or even the Champions League party other than the six or seven who contended last season. So we'll need to find a side that can jump up the table significantly, and I keep landing on West Ham. Here's a team that under ownership chaos simply underachieved greatly. Though we all wanted Gianfranco Zola to be a competent manager, he clearly cracked under the pressure. Is Avram Grant a genius? No, probably not, but he's been there before. All of this hinges on who stays and who goes. There's a forward coming into his own in Carlton Cole, assuming he stays. A midfield dynamo in Scott Parker, assuming he stays. However, Tomas Hitzlsperger is a decent replacement for Parker, or a great partner for him if Parker hangs around. James Tomkins, Freddie Sears, and Mark Noble are all young players who have shown flashes. Though Jonathan Spector and Matthew Upson spent a lot of time getting roasted last season, they could turn things around with a manager more bent on getting the defense right. And Robert Green....ok, maybe this is where it all falls apart. Still, I'm looking for West Ham to hint at cracking the top half, if not actually do it.