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THE BRONZE BADGE CHRONICLES: The Time Trials mega-post

2012-05-21T23:00:30Z

"The Bronze Badge Chronicles" is about my experience with the infamous "Bronze Badge" garage pass. IndyCar fans can purchase one and can be given access to Gasoline Alley for the Month of May. Last year was my first year with the badge. This year, the 2012 Indianapolis 500, is my second year with the badge.

DAYS FIVE AND SIX: May 19 & 20, 2012

The weekend of qualifications. Naturally, this can't be a small one-day post. Many photos were taken over the course of two days, so this is a double-post of sorts.

...with a surprise on Day Two.

What kind of surprise?

Some say, he would've made Bump Day more interesting on the track. And that he DID off of it.

(Photos after the jump)

Stopped by the live broadcast of The Bob and Tom Show. Here is Bryan Clauson...before he hit the wall that day.

Ed was also there. He hit the wall, too. Do I sense a pattern...

Simona de Silvestro and Bobby Unser made an appearance. Neither hit the wall Saturday...so much for that theory.

THE CAPTAIN. Not even Fuzzy's Girls can distract him.

MARIO. High-heels not included.

That morning Pippa Mann learned she wouldn't have a team/car/engine for Bump Day. Still signed things for fans despite the news.

WANT.

ROCKET RICK.

---------------------------------------

BUMP DAY

It appears The Stig wants to join in on Bump Day. Anybody got a T-car or an engine they can spare?

Wandering Gasoline Alley for such an opportunity.

But it was mostly fans who were interested in the Stig's presence...

Even Ana Beatriz wanted to be a part of Stig Day (since Bump Day didn't happen).

...and Randy Bernard.

With no Bump Day drama, NBC Sports ran completely out of ideas...

WHO YA GOT?

Quick question...did I go through the entire day without taking a single picture of Simona?

NOPE.

Think you can shave off .003 of a second?

THE BRONZE BADGE CHRONICLES: Fast(er) Friday

2012-05-19T03:18:31Z

DAY FOUR: May 18, 2012

With qualifications a day away today was "Fast Friday" (or as the Lotus teams would call it: "the day we go faster than NASCAR...sort of") and with it comes faster speeds. Also today was the last full day of practice, so this might be one of my last chances to get my picture taken with a certain Lotus driver that doesn't wear a hat from the 1920s.

Did I succeed like last year?

No chance you say, since Monica Hilton (the one who helped me last year) does PR for Bryan Herta Autosport this year instead of HVM Racing.

Yep, impossible.

...OR WAS IT?

(Photos after the jump)

SUPER TEX.

Pippa Mann still asking around for a ride...and still taking the time to talk to us fans.

Fans are supposed to be the ones taking pictures of drivers. WADE, U R DOING IT WRONG.

Beaux Barfield. RESPECT. MY. AUTHORITAH.

RESPECT. MY. HAIRSTYLE. For no one uses as much product...

...never mind.

Sarah and Josef. Busy being awesome.

No, she's not a member of the Pacers...but still could've grabbed 15 boards over the Heat in Game 3. And sent LeBron into Row 7.

Massive consumer of tenderloins. And receiver of hate mail. Remember, NBC Sports kept him over Lindy Thackston...

Naturally my very next picture after Robin Miller was weaponry.

This is the look of a woman who not only doesn't have to drive the 2nd Dreyer & Reinbold entry again this year or a Lotus, but a woman who drives for Andretti Autosport AND ACTUALLY ENJOYS IT.

Old sleepy Lotus driver is sleepy.

Adorable nose ornament is adorable.

FACT: Moments after this pic was taken Mr. Bernard game him a fist-bump.

With that, the weekday editions of TBBC comes to a close. To answer my original question "Can I get my picture taken again this year with Simona, this time without any help?"

KA. FREAKING. BOOM. Yet again.

Thanks for the hundredth time, Simona.

THE BRONZE BADGE CHRONICLES: Now it's a full field

2012-05-18T03:27:03Z

DAY THREE: May 17th, 2012

You know that awkward feeling that you know today isn't that important as the next day? It was the day before Fast Friday, so we didn't stay too long. I snapped a few pictures, stayed for a bit, and headed home.

...but not before some interesting pictures, and confirming Dragon Racing actually LIVES.

(Photos after the jump)

Obligatory Simona pic. Of course.

Actually, this was my only one of her. I didn't stalk her as much as usual. I must be maturing.

That hat. Seriously, Jean. Somebody NEEDS to tell him.

Will Power's death stare...? Once seen by Dario Franchitti. Just like what Dario discovered, it has no effect.

Okay, why must these bikes have such small wheels? Smaller wheels means you must pedal MORE to generate the same speed as bigger bikes.

Kanaan wonders where the speed is. At least KV didn't stick with Lotus, Tony...

THE DRAGON LIVES.

This is the look of a very, very happy Frenchman. Seriously, that's it.

Katherine Legge in a firesuit at Indianapolis. I repeat, Katherine Legge IN A FIRESUIT at Indianapolis. It's really going to happen for her.

THE BRONZE BADGE CHRONICLES: Sequels never live up to the first

2012-05-17T00:28:38Z

"The Bronze Badge Chronicles" is about my experience with the infamous "Bronze Badge" garage pass. IndyCar fans can purchase and can be given access to Gasoline Alley for the Month of May. Last year was my first year with the badge. This year, the 2012 Indianapolis 500, is my second year with the badge.

DAY TWO: May 16th, 2012

Of course I knew today wasn't going to be as good as yesterday. Getting Simona to sign my helmet was really the primary objective of the entire month. Nothing can top that.

NOTHING.

Unless it involves motorcycle theft?

On to the photos...

(Photos after the jump)

Eventually Simona's going to notice the same dude with an Iron Maiden shirt always following her around. Tomorrow I will put on a disguise: a t-shirt with NO reference to Iron Maiden. Yes, I actually own such clothing.

HVM Racing 2011 reunion.

[sigh]

I miss those days...

Beaux Barfield's chopper was alleged to be parked in Gasoline Alley and...OH F*CK, IS THAT IT? If Steve McQueen found a rusted cycle, rebuilt it using only an Erector Set, installed an engine from a 1969 Plymouth Roadrunner and sprayed it with his corrosive man-seed this bike would be the result. Oh, and tetanus shots required.

Pippa Mann in the house. She sounded hopeful that something was in the works...

What do you mean "this is a family-friendly event, so be sure to bring the kids"??? Anything involving Bronte Tagliani automatically gets tagged with a PG-13 rating. Minimum. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

As you can see Kathernine Legge was in MUCH higher spirits this afternoon. She gets to attempt to race, and NO MORE LOTUS.

Lotus woefully off the pace, HVM Racing sitting in pit lane having radio issues...and Simona's mood?

Of course.

I'm not that strong.

Ironically, just before that photo was taken AJ Foyt drove his golf cart quickly past. I'm guessing if he had Lotus in his corner there could be various Lotus execs with some sort of head trauma.

I WANT THIS IN MY LIFE.

THE BRONZE BADGE CHRONICLES: Year Two, Day One

2012-05-16T01:00:13Z

"The Bronze Badge Chronicles" is about my experience with the infamous "Bronze Badge" garage pass. IndyCar fans can purchase and can be given access to Gasoline Alley for the Month of May. Last year was my first year with the badge. This year, the 2012 Indianapolis 500, is my second year with the badge.

DAY ONE: May 15, 2012

Yep, here I go again.

Many different things about this year. Of course the new cars, engines, etc. are among the many different things, but this year I won't be alone in Gasoline Alley. My brother also has a Bronze Badge for himself this year. So now I get a partner in crime.

...and boy did we score. On day one.

Enough BS-ing, on with the show...

(Photos after the jump)

Here's Helio signing my brother's karting suit. His objective is to get as many drivers to sign the suit. Helio was the first, and definitely not the last. He got nearly a dozen signatures today.

Eddie Carpenter with The Butler Bulldogs...literally.

Lindy Thackston sighting!!! Amazingly, her iPhone was unbroken, which is why I wasn't sure at first if it was actually her...

Simona signed my replica helmet of hers. Honestly, this was my primary objective for the entire month. Completed on Day One. She called it "Oh, the famous helmet!!!"

(and for the fourth or fifth time again...THANK YOU)

Forgot to get her picture while I was getting the helmet signed (MEGA DERRRRP!!!), so the best I could do right afterwards was get a shot of her in her office.

The front of Tony Kanaan's car. For extra downforce?

Quick pic of Monica Hilton, PR Czar of Bryan Herta Autosport (and the one responsible for my final and best pic last year: Simona with myself). We kicked the tires and shot the sh*t for several minutes talking about the finer things in life (negativity among certain fans, IMS track food, heat, Trackforum still sucking). Wait, NONE of those things were what you would call "fine"? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOUR LAST BLOG POST?!?!? KNOCK IT OFF WITH THEM NEGATIVE WAVES!!!

(In all seriousness, one of the nicest and bestest people in the garage)

DEREK DALY. And his Irish accent. Wearing green no less.

"DAMN. Nathan's STILL following me? And taking pictures? I guess the helmet signing wasn't enough for him...guess it's time for restraining order paperwork. AGAIN." IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN PIECES OF PAPER TO STOP ME, SWEETHEART. I'VE GOT A JOB TO DO.

...and that's it for day number one. I'm guessing day number two won't be as good, but not bad. I mean, HOW can it get any better than it did today?

INDYCAR: Power Rankings (The Month of May)

2012-05-11T13:03:39Z

"A year's waiting is about to come to an end. The 2 1/2 miles beckon."

Absolutely, Paul Page.

A lot has happened in a year, let alone the last time IndyCar held a race weeks ago. The Turbo Saga (ah, the good-ole days of engine wars have indeed returned), The messy Lotus divorces, Inspector Clouseau getting an IndyCar ride, Jay Howard getting a ride...then not...then so...then not, certain former IndyCar drivers forgetting to act like IndyCar drivers...and it's only the first week of May.

Well, where to begin for this year's Indy 500? I know...blog about DEGENERATE GAMBLING!!!! It's how this country was built and continues to operate, by people getting down and DERPing away coin! Wait, blogging about gambling? ESPN GIG HERE I COME!!!

It appears Sportsbook.ag says that Team Penske, despite their DERPtastic performance last year, are the odds on favorites for the Indy 500. Apparently they think their dominance on the road courses translates to an upcoming oval beat-em-down; obviously they know nothing about Honda's turbo upgrades or the ability of Will Power's pit crew to flush oval races down the drain. Place bets on the Ganasshats if you like placing bets on front-runners and want to receive COIN the easy way.

As for the long shots, Rahal at 30/1? CASH. He was right behind the Wheldon/JR finish last year (and wait a minute...he's a Ganasshat, too! Sportsbook, FIX YO BOOKIES). Oriol Servia at 50/1? CASH. Now that he has a Chevy and is teamed up with Panther Racing expect him to be a legit threat. Tagliani at 60/1? CASH. Last year's pole winning driver paired up with last year's race winning team now with the hot Honda engine? Gimmie THAT.

Simona de Silvestro at 100/1? What, did they run out of zeros? Heh, heh...heh, heh...heh...

[cries uncontrollably]

Why must fate forsaken her AGAIN, now being the lone full-time Lotus car? All the Lotus teams get new and shiny (and WORKING) NON-LOTUS engines and she doesn't? I'm beginning to think that either in a past life she executed millions of innocent puppies, or there might actually be a Lotus pentagram displayed somewhere in her apartment and she wants nothing but the absolute destruction of Colin Chapman's legacy. THESE ARE VERY LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS, PROBABLY.

Speaking of someone who's hot, who's hottest in this week's Power Rankings entering the hot (hopefully not wet) month of May?

Like last year the winner of the 500 will get honorary P1 placement and accolades for the next Power Rankings, even if they are only a part-timer and/or a back-marker.

(This week's Power Rankings after the jump)

THE GRID

1. Will Power

Previous ranking: 1 (no change)

Back on an oval? Guess it's time for him to get hit in pit lane, his pit crew to go knucklehead, or both.

2. James Hinchcliffe

Previous ranking: 3 (+1)

A Canadian shaves during the hockey postseason? KARMA WILL NOT APPROVE. Expect either getting bumped from the field or a DNF. Grow it back. You've been warned...

3. Simon Pagenaud

Previous ranking: 2 (-1)

His Indy career was but a day old and the track already gave him the bird. I don't like his chances...

4. Helio Castroneves

Previous ranking: 4 (no change)

Recently had a birthday, and the AP's Jenna Fryer sent him the only appropriate gift for such a man.

5. Ryan Hunter-Reay

Previous ranking: 6 (+1)

He HAS to qualify on time this year...Foyt runs Hondas.

6. Scott Dixon

Previous ranking: 5 (-1)

He was the fastest in the first official oval test in Texas, which means score a big one for Honda in the Turbo Wars.

7. JR Hildebrand

Previous ranking: 8 (+1)

Remember, 500 miles is 800 turns. Not 799...

8. Takuma Sato

Previous ranking: 12 (+4)

Since leaving KV Racing he's been a monster performance-wise and finally got a race that didn't see him blowing up a motor or getting hit. And it was a podium.

9. Rubens Barrichello

Previous ranking: 10 (+1)

Just one race from now he will have gained more respect on this side of the pond than former teammate Schumacher...for he didn't call Indy suicidal or wuss out at the sight of an oval.

10. Ryan Briscoe

Previous ranking: 7 (-3)

One more Indy DERP and he gets Cogan-ed out at Penske...barring a contract-saving win (or three) elsewhere.

11. Josef Newgarden

Previous ranking: 9 (-2)

If Sarah Fisher can improve this team almost overnight this much on the road-courses with a rookie...

12. Graham Rahal

Previous ranking: 11 (-1)

Bud returns to Indycar. With the prodigal Son of 'Stache. Now he HAS to grow a 'stache of his own. It's mandatory at this point...

13. Tony Kanaan

Previous ranking: 14 (+1)

Somewhere beyond our world a certain two-time Indy champion is arranging fate to finally give one to a former teammate and old friend...

14. Justin Wilson

Previous ranking: 13 (-1)

As much as an improvement this team is for him compared to Dreyer and Reinbold Racing...remember last year Dale Coyne Racing BARELY got one in the race.

15. Dario Franchitti

Previous ranking: unranked

Welcome back to the living?

DNQ (Bumped from the field)

Marco Andretti

Over/Under an engine kerblammo and an Andretti slowing on the backstretch: Lap 125 1/2. Under.

Mike Conway

Fitting...the driver who DNQ'ed for Andretti now drives for the owner who gave a spot to another Andretti DNQ'ed driver. Watch your back, Wade.

Oriol Servia

"YAY, I NO MOAR HAZ LOTUS ENGINES!!!"

Alex Tagliani

(see Oriol Servia)

Sebastien Bourdais

(see Alex Tagliani)

Who belongs in the Indianapolis 500?

2012-05-10T22:07:45Z

Jean Alesi is 47 years old. He is an ex-Formula 1 driver who is notable more for his bad luck than his career results. He is also an official ambassador for Lotus Cars.

Today, in the first phase of Rookie Orientation Practice (ROP) at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, Alesi - for the first time in over ten years - stepped into an open-wheel car and took his first-ever laps on an oval track in a Lotus-powered Dallara fielded by Fan Force United, a team which until recently was a competitor in the Firestone Indy Lights Series.

Alesi's best lap behind the wheel of the Fan Force Lotus/Dallara was 186.367 miles per hour, 30mph slower than the next-slowest rookie. It was a speed that would have been the third-slowest qualifying speed for the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series race at Talladega the previous weekend.

For his first laps in an IndyCar - especially one powered by the lowly Lotus/Judd engine - they weren't all that bad. But because Alesi's ride was bought and paid for by Lotus almost as a lark, Alesi's doubters in the fan ranks exploded onto social media, eager to give his seat away to someone else (never mind that the seat wouldn't exist without Lotus or Alesi).

"This guy doesn't belong in an IndyCar at the Indianapolis 500." That was the prevailing sentiment... and one that has been repeated about other drivers over time as well. But it is a sentiment that could not be more wrong.

Racin Gardiner. Brad Murphey. Dr. Jack Miller. Fermin Velez. Billy Roe. Marty Roth. Milka Duno. What do these names have in common? They are all people that, by rights, should never have been in the Indianapolis 500. At least, that's what many fans have said, while naming the names of other, more "deserving" drivers who should have taken their place.

You know what else they have in common? They all qualified for and raced in the Indianapolis 500 anyway.

If you tried to codify the universal merits upon which a driver should or shouldn't be considered for the honor to participate in the Indianapolis 500, you would go crazy before long. Everyone has different criteria, everyone has their own favorites, and consensus is therefore virtually impossible.

Fortunately, the Indianapolis 500 remains an event upon which participation is greenlit by the satisfaction of some very simple requirements, to wit: You must be hired by a car owner, you must pass rookie orientation if necessary, and your car must be fast enough by the end of time trials to be locked into the starting field or - in the tremendously rare event that there are fewer than 33 qualifiers - you must be within 105% of the pole speed.

That's it. No other factors apply. Not gender, race, day job, racing history, past championships, size of entourage, sexual orientation, number of Facebook friends, or anything else.

In the earliest years of the Split, there were howls of derision about the Indy Racing League's collection of drivers from the CART faithful. Who are these guys? they scoffed. There's no way they'd make the field if OUR drivers were there. The problem, of course, was that THEIR drivers and teams had not bothered to try to make the race. Thus, in the stoic calculus by which such things are judged, the IRL drivers who qualified deserved to be in the race, and the superstar CART drivers did not.

In more modern times, there are drivers out there who are proven winners, fan favorites, or just plain nice people who, when time trials at Indy begin, do not have a ride lined up. "Damned ride buyers!" exclaim their defenders. "So-and-so deserves to be in the race more than Driver X!" Unfortunately, they are also totally wrong, their admirable loyalty aside. If Driver X can cobble together the funding for an Indy 500 ride and then make it into the race on speed, how is that undeserving?

It is emotionally frustrating for a driver who remains rideless for the Indy 500, more so for his or her fans. But the brutal truth is that drivers who cannot find funding are in that position because the potential backers to whom they pitch themselves decide that the driver is not worth the expenditure. The same goes for race teams in the case of a driver with a sponsor - if the team elects not to hire said driver, there is a set of criteria that the race team has that the driver, for one reason or another, is not able to meet.

On rare occasions - such as at last year's Indy 500 - the calculus is changed by the introduction of new numbers... specifically, cubic dollars, such as those spent by Andretti Autosport sponsors SunDrop and DHL to ensure that Ryan Hunter-Reay, who had failed to qualify, would still start the race. But even here, the rationale is simple - the car is qualified, and who drives it becomes the whim of the owner of that car. It is the same awful reality which faces drivers who, in hindsight, were fast enough to make the field but had their qualifying runs withdrawn for some reason or another and subsequently missed the race.

What this all boils down to is that, if Jean Alesi successfully passes ROP this weekend and then qualifies fast enough to make the field, he is as deserving as any other driver who qualifies. And if someone else - even a veteran of past Indy 500s - cannot find the funding or the open seat to try to get in, it does not mean that he is more deserving than Alesi.

The reason for this is that the only meritocracy at Indianapolis is speed. And if you think about it, isn't that a refreshing trait?

The Paddock Pulse: May 9 Edition

2012-05-09T15:00:15Z

Coming into the Month of May, it seems as though that we have a bit of division about whether or not this year's Indy 500 will be as "classic" as it has been in years past. To that end, there's been a bit of infighting amongst the fans about whether the glass is half full or filled with liquid despair and decroded feces.

With this in mind, I believe that the best way to inaugurate the festivities at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway this year is a paraphrase of that great American philosopher (and, tragically, Chicago Blackhawks fan) Clark W. Griswold, to wit:

I think you're all f***ed in the head! We're a couple of weeks from the green flag and you want to bail out. Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a MOTOR RACE, it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun, we're all gonna have so much f***ing fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our g******n smiles! You'll be whistling "Back Home Again" out of your a**holes! I gotta be crazy; I'm on a pilgrimage to see a milk bottle! Praise Gomer Pyle! Oh, sh*t!

When I Think of the Term "Strategic Alliance"... [15 Days in May]
Mike is a big fan of Panther/Dreyer & Reinbold's new logo. Me, I'm not sold. It kinda looks like a panther-headed afro pick stabbing a guy SO HARD in the ribs that he's coated in blood and waving a checkered flag desperately to flag down an ambulance. But maybe that's what they were going for...?

What Indy Means [anotherindycarblog]
Eric waxes rhapsodic about Indianapolis, but what I didn't find out is whether he waxed ON or waxed OFF. It makes a huge difference, especially if someone has a roundhouse kick aimed at your junk. HELP ME, MR. MIYAGI!!

Six Quick Questions With Bryan Clauson [IndyCar Advocate]
I was about ready to let fly with a very punny reference to Johnny Carson's classic bit featuring Art Fern trying to give directions to the Slauson Cutoff (CUT OFF YOUR CLAUSON! See? GET IT? HAR.)... then I remembered that maybe three people even remember a "Tonight Show" before Jay Leno. Damnable youngsters.

Not this year [More Front Wing]
Considering how thoughtful and deeply felt this blog post is, I'd probably be better off if I didn't mention the spectacularly phallic photo of the IMS scoring pylon that accompanies the article.

Ten Worthless Opinions – The Shawshank Redemption Edition [New Track Record]
I think this post matching "Shawshank Redemption" quotes to the Month of May is extremely clever. I'm also glad that Mark didn't try to find an analogue for the part when Andy is explaining why jaw rigor makes killing someone in the act of fellatio a bad idea.

Should Jean Alesi Race In The 500? [Oilpressure]
It's a testament to how INTRACTABLE George is that he somehow thinks a near-50-year-old ex-F1 driver who has never driven on an oval and whose last open-wheel experience was over a decade ago trying to race at Indianapolis with a rookie team powered by a Judd-built Lotus engine could possibly be a bad idea. PESSIMIST.

Indianapolis Motor Speedway; Heaven On Earth [Open Wheel America]
I love Indy, don't get me wrong - but if IMS is indeed heaven on earth, then they need to get some frickin' angelic janitors for race day. I mean, have you SEEN the Coke lot?

Uncle pressdog's Fireside Chat -- On TurboGate, Cameron and Other Matters [pressdog.com]
I am starting to think I should just reserve a spot every week for Uncle Pressdog's Fireside Chats. Any blog post that goes on for four pages and includes a beer mug, Will McCarty's Death Star graphic, and a giant photo of Cameron Haven in it deserves admiration.

Promenade to left.... [Rev Limiter]
This is a very brief blog post, largely (allegedly) due to the fact that by the time Joel got around to asking for answers about some very "iffy" INDYCAR partnerships, he was abducted by some very burly yellow-shirted gentlemen driving a windowless Chevy van.

The Month of Mayhem… Part 1 [So… here’s what I’m thinking…]
Meesh is one of my favorite people. She is opinionated, has a Vulcanized tongue, and is as relentlessly loyal a friend as you could ever find. Which is why I hope she doesn't get offended when I kick her ass to Saskatoon for comparing the Indy 500 to Danica Patrick. Although the thought of the yard of bricks in a skimpy thong IS somewhat weirdly enticing. What would you call that... brickstiality?

Inside The Dragon/Lotus Lawsuit [SPEED]
I hear tell this will end up being a special episode of INDYCAR 36 with reenactments from the cast of "L.A. Law" - partially because the cast finds it hard to get work 20 years after their show was relevant, and also because that show fits the era from which many of IMS' musical acts were popular. HA-CHAHHHHH!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year [the_race_gIRL]
Make no mistake - sometimes optimism is the best course if the alternative is getting your ass handed to you figuratively (and possibly literally) by a fiery knuckle-cracking Monica Hilton. Is skepticism worth EIGHT WEEKS OF BED REST?

Driver Tweet of the Week

@Hinchtown: I think my next career will be writing product description blurbs for SkyMall magazine. They clearly need help.

Last But Not Least

Round up the usual suspects.