The Pacific Northwest train wreck known as Jamere Holland continues to careen out of control, and you’re invited to watch. All it takes is a Facebook account.

Jamere Holland

The former University of Oregon receiver (and former Southern Cal receiver … see a trend here?) was released from the UO football team Sunday after Facebook-punking coach Chip Kelly and writing that he wished he could “block whites” as Facebook friends this past weekend.

Holland seemingly believed Kelly had dismissed teammate Kristian Kiko Alonso after the linebacker was cited for DUII and various other infractions. The funny thing? Kelly hadn’t. Alonso still is a member of the team, while Holland is looking for another team. So, if you found yourself standing in the same steaming pile of dog poop, what would your response be once Monday morning rolled around … maybe lay low for a few days and allow this mess to blow over? Notta chance.

If you’re Holland, you update your Facebook status.

As a rule, your humble Sportspoop staff rarely offers shout-outs to athletes without breasts … that’s just how we roll. But it’s high time we professed our man-love for Apolo Anton Ohno. The speed skater won his seventh career medal Saturday at the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, making him the most prolific American medal-winner ever to participate in the Winter Games.

Man-tastic Apolo Ohno

Let’s be clear, Ohno rubs some people the wrong way — and that’s the exact reason why he has become Sportspoop.com’s Vancouver poster boy.

Yeah, the guy might have an Avril Lavigne “Skater Boy” tinge to his image, but at least he’s not Michael Phelps.

Ohno still has an opportunity to win two more medals before these Games are complete, and we’ll be pulling for the smug little Salt Lake City resident who owns a believable smile. It seems quite simple: The guy enjoys life and the sport in which he competes. That much is obvious and quite refreshing.

And really, who can’t get behind a guy who’s made all South Korea hate him?

Hours after University of Oregon linebacker Kiko Alonso was cited for DUII, minor in possession, failure to maintain a lane and an improper turn, Ducks receiver Jamere Holland had this to say via Facebook status update on Sunday (Exact statement from Holland’s wall):

Jamere Holland “chilln thinking of another status to fuck with the readers heads, I wish I could block whites as friends and only have blacks LOL, cause apparently I’m misunderstood”
3 hours ago via Facebook for iPhone

Somebody please tell these guys they haven’t won a Rose Bowl since 1917.

(Update: Ducks coach Chip Kelly dismissed Holland from the team late Sunday for “violation of team rules” according to multiple media outlets. Here’s one account.)

Holland’s update immediately reminded us of the little diddy underneath the related posts:

OK, so get this: Sportspoop senior golf correspondent Toonces just returned from Tiger Woods’ “press conference” in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla., — yes, he was one of the shills who was invited to the event because, well, he loves him some Tiger.

Let’s just say Toonces is on top of the world right about now. Sure, he had to stand in an adjoining room while the four-time Masters champ spoke, but after warming Woods down with a neck rub when the much-ballyhooed public apology was complete, the crotchety old lush made his way back to the office.

Toonces’ nipples were still a little tender from all the self-tweaking today, but just before we turned out the lights for the weekend, he pulled back the bandages and produced a transcript from the meticulously choreographed presser.

So here I sit, writing this while Toonces and his buddies are working on their fifth vodka-tonics and attempt to convince themselves that in 20 years Americans actually will ask themselves, “Where were you when Tiger gave his apology speech?”

So, in an effort to add some clarity to today’s media fiasco, I’ve decided to share an inside look what the man who’s earned more than $1 billion (mostly due to endorsements and the public’s desire to buy the products he’s pitched) said and what he actually wanted to say:

What Woods said: My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.
What he wanted to say: Look, this bitch might take nearly half my money. Do you really expect me to live the rest of my life on $400 million?

What Woods said: But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did.
What he wanted to say: The Elmer’s Pancake House waitress with those creamy, thick thighs was so worth all of this. In fact, she squealed like a pig for me.

What Woods said: Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night.
What he wanted to say: She used an 8-iron on my ass after reading my texts. Personally, I would have used a driver, but I don’t believe she ever would have picked up that club if she didn’t love me. I mean my God, I have such a tiny penis … she has to love me, or my money. One of the two, I’m sure.

What Woods said: The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.
What he wanted to say: Let’s get this straight: I’ve made a billion dollars. Who here has made a billion dollars? Come on, let’s see a show of hands. Nobody? And again, for the record, I’d so hit that little pig from Elmer’s again. Maple syrup on those creamy, creamy thighs? Mmmmmmm, creamy, thick and tasty thighs.

What Woods said: I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules.
What he wanted to say: Not everyone in this room could hit that Elmer’s waitress if they wanted to. I’ll repeat the question … who here has made a billion dollars? If I missed someone, please, for the sweet love of God, step forward. The number I’m stuck on so far is ONE. If I’m missing any other person gathered here, please let me know.

What Woods said: I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change.
What he wanted to say: God, I should just blame my father for the way he raised me. He’s dead. What would it matter if I threw him under the bus right now?

What Woods said: I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don’t know when that day will be.
What he wanted to say: I’ll pick up a club when my public relations strategists tell me I can best repair my reputation and make the most money. I stopped loving the game long, long ago.

What Woods said: As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I’ve learned that’s how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy.
What he wanted to say: Are you kidding me? That treatment facility I’ve been at has the horniest damn hotties running all over the freakin’ place. And did I mention that I’ve made a billion dollars? That type of coin will get you laid, Jack … in case you missed that point the first time around.

What Woods said: I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.
What he wanted to say: I ask you to find room in your vaginas to one day believe I actually can please you again with this tiny penis. Daaaamn, I’m glad that’s finished. Who’s up for some Elmer’s pancakes?

And Woods’ mother, Kutilda?

What Broom Hilda said: I am upset the way the media treated him like he’s a criminal … he didn’t kill anybody, he didn’t do anything illegal.
What she wanted to say: Get this straight: We use media types, not the other way around.

What Hildegarde said: They’ve been carrying on from Thanksgiving until now, that’s not right.
What she wanted to say: We absolutely hate it when the media tells the truth.

What Olga said: The tabloids and newspapers just killed him.
What she wanted to say: Please, please, I beg you, kill him. With what’s-her-name out of the picture, I stand to earn some serious long green. Just how much is Michael Jackson’s mother drawing again?

What Earl’s wife said: Mom will always be there for you.
What she wanted to say: Mom will always be there for you, Mr. Moneybags.

Top o’ the morning, poopers! Hope you’re having a better Friday than the U.S. Olympic curling teams, who are staring down the barrel of a combined 0-7 record in Vancouver. The bad news? Arch-curling-nemesis Canada remains unbeaten in both the men’s and women’s draws. The good news? It’s curling, for crissakes.

“It hurts right now,” U.S. lead John Benton told the Associated Press. “We’re definitely on the way, way outside. Something magical would have to happen for us to make the medal round.”

Russian curler Lyudmila Privivkova

For what it’s worth, John, we here at Sportspoop produce something magical all the time … our super-pooptastic linkapalooza! On with today’s potpourri, sponsored by saucy Russian cheese wheel roller Lyudmila Privivkova:

• We’d like to take this opportunity to thank The Big Lead for meticulously updating us on the Tiger Woods news conference, because we have much better things to do (The Big Lead)
• … And by “better things to do”, we mean post links to Lindsey Vonn’s full SI photo shoot (The Beer Goggler)
• … And post links to photos of Christina Hendricks’ cleavage (Pick Me Up News)
• … And post links to odd galleries of Israeli cheerleaders (Unathletic)
• Lovely day for a naked swim in California, if you’re a former University of Michigan basketball player accused of robbery (You Been Blinded)
• At least South Koreans aren’t bitter about Salt Lake City or anything (Josh Q. Public)
• ESPN dials down Hannah Storm’s cougarlicious boots; cheap suits and bad haircuts still OK for male anchors (Deadspin)
• Phil Jackson, Doc Rivers whine whiningly about Antawn Jamison trade (ESPN)
• Busted Coverage’s saucy curling photo is way, way, way more saucy than our saucy curling photo (Busted Coverage)
• As if figure skating could get any more uncomfortable to watch … (Wall Street Journal)
• And finally, 12 “journalists” who absolutely, unequivocally were not welcomed by Elin to attend Tiger’s presser (In Game Now)

Sports fans across the globe have long wanted to slap the smug little smirk off the face of Duke University’s creepy Blue Devil mascot … but we should be careful what we pray for.

Duke mascot (left)

Instead of falling into the fetal position and breaking into tears as the world had hoped, the Blue Devil mascot, a.k.a. sophomore Dusty LaDouche of Reston, Va., broke into hysterical laughter Thursday when he learned that police arrested Crystal Mangum in Durham, N.C. Mangum was charged with attempted first-degree murder, five counts of arson, assault and battery, communicating threats, three counts of misdemeanor child abuse, injury to personal property, identity theft and resisting a public officer after allegedly assaulting her boyfriend Wednesday.

“Bad things happen to those who besmirch this institution,” LaDouche, an international economics major, said between fits of giggling. “You mess with the Devil, and eventually you’ll get the horn … oh yeah, baby, you’ll get the horn real good.”

The extremely wealthy, turned-up collar — basically dickish — Duke reputation took a monstrous hit in 2006 when the stripper accused three of the school’s lacrosse players of gang-raping her at an off-campus party. The three athletes were indicted on charges of first-degree forcible rape, sexual offense and kidnapping. The charges later were dropped after Mangum’s credibility was tattered
and DNA couldn’t connect a single player. The North Carolina State Bar also filed ethics charges against District Attorney Mike Nifong due to his handling of the case.

In related news, the masses still hate Duke and Mr. LaDouche.

Sportspoop.com has uncovered the inside scoop on Tiger Woods’ anticipated “press conference” he’s expected to host Friday morning. While engaging in a typical two- … uh, strike that … eight-martini lunch Thursday, Sportspoop’s own Rogue Palin bumped (er, stumbled) into Newt Gingrich, Woods’ newest speech writer.

Teasing, tantalizing Tiger

An equally intoxicated Gingrich spilled the beans concerning Friday’s festivities. Demonized by the media and scorned by his mistresses, Woods reportedly is in dire need to “tap some ass” after his recent Vanity Fair cover produced absolutely zero takers. While it’s rumored across the Interwebz that Woods will be flanked by wife Elin Nordegren at the presser, Sportspoop has learned the four-time Masters champion has instead decided to be surrounded by his closest friends — Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez and Christie Brinkley’s idiot ex-husband.

(Close pal Bill Clinton was not invited because of his “thing for chunky monkeys,” Gingrich stated.)

Speculation concerning Woods’ desire to play in April’s Masters also will be addressed. Woods will now announce he’s decided to forego golf’s Super Bowl and turn his attention solely to “scoring as much snoochie boochie as humanly possible,” according to Gingrich.

Woods is now expected to make a public plea for “poon” while holding the Vanity Fair cover, which puts his erect nipples on parade. Woods also intends to show highlights of him playing his favorite 14 holes from around the world before firing up a smoke and falling asleep to bring the gathering to a conclusion.

Gingrich added Woods could also opt for “Plan B” — sniffling, acting contrite, offering apologies, etc. — but he doubts the Stanford alumnus would take that course of action because, “He’s a real horn-dog right now.”

While rumors continue to swirl that NFL officials will push for an 18-game regular season when the league’s collective bargaining agreement expires next year, a Texas man is already concerned the initiative will fail to meet the growing demands of the sport’s rabid fan base.

Anthony Rockhold Jr., of Baytown, Texas, said Wednesday he recently sent a registered letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell outlining his demands for a 36-week regular season and 16-week double-elimination playoff slate. Rockhold said he also sent copies of his emphatic plea to a variety of “damn important people” around the league, including ESPN personalities Chris Berman and Colin Cowherd, alleged journalist Peter King, and conservative talk-show host Glenn Beck.

Goodell unavailable for comment

“I’m gonna tell you somethin’ right off the bat — I ain’t watchin’ no damn Olympics!” shouted Rockhold to begin the rambling, 182-minute phone interview. “My wife tried to get me to watch that crap last night, and I told her I’d rather watch two squirrels gettin’ it on in my backyard than watch one of them damn figure skaters. A man ain’t supposed to watch the same sportin’ event as his woman. That’s just a scientific fact. The guy on the ESPN radio told me them Olympics weren’t no good, and I believe him! Hell, half them sports don’t even got a daggum ball!”

“I told that damn Goodell or whatever the hell his name is that I want my damn football every weekend. Hell, them ESPN boys talk about it on my radio every damn day all year long, why can’t I have my games every weekend?”

Rockhold said he engaged in a self-imposed hunger strike last Sunday for almost three hours to prove his point.

“I don’t understand why them boys think they need all that time off anyhow. Hell, they only gotta play once a week. I gotta work five days in a row down at the plant, you don’t see me complainin’ none,” Rockhold said.

When informed that some critics of an 18-game regular season have cited the possibility of an increase in concussions and overall injuries as reason for concern, Rockhold unleashed a string of expletives upon the interviewer before composing himself long enough to answer.

“Look, I got a damn plate in my head from where I fell off the damn scaffold down at the plant in ‘92, you don’t hear me pissin’ and moanin’,” he muttered. “They make a whole flippin’ bunch of money, they can get their sorry butts out there and entertain me.

“I want my damn football every Sunday, and I ain’t watchin’ no skate-wearin’, foreign-talkin’ sumbitch instead. So write that down on your damn computer!”

Sportspoop was unable to reach NFL officials for comment.

University of Oregon running back LaMichael James was arrested Wednesday morning on domestic violence charges including assault, menacing and strangulation. James was booked into what Oregon football players have come to call “The Revolving Door” — the Lane County Jail — and if convicted, he could face up to a year in prison.

Obviously, the prospect of losing James — who rushed for 1,546 yards this past season as a freshman — caused concern among current and even former UO players … or those who were out on work release.

Unspeakable acts in Eugene

“I pray to God that LaMichael’s problems go away … we’re aiming to lose another Rose Bowl next year,” said UO?quarterback Jeremiah Masoli, who was identified by a Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity member as one of two UO players who broke into the frat house and stole electronic equipment in January.

Earlier this week, Ducks kicker Rob Beard was cited for investigation of misdemeanor assault, concerning a Jan. 24 incident in which Beard allegedly entered a brawl to assist fellow kicker Mike Bowlin. (Yes, you read that right. Both Beard and Bowlin are kickers. Who else would hang out with a kicker other than a fellow kicker … OK, maybe a punter. And, just in case you were wondering, yes … both kickers had their asses handed to them.)

Later, UO defensive end Matt Simms was cited for investigation of misdemeanor assault after he allegedly put a hurtin’ on a person thought to have injured Beard. Bowlin and Simms are no longer with the team.

“I don’t see no damn problem here,” said LeGarrette Blount, who was suspended nearly the entire 2009 season for punching Boise State’s Byron Hout after the teams’ season-opening showdown. “Y’all just need to get out of our way and allow us to do our ballin’.”

The senior later was reinstated by UO coach Chip “Forgive and Forget” Kelly before the Ducks’ rivalry game with Oregon State and the 2010 Rose Bowl. Kelly, who was thought to be attempting to brainstorm plausible excuses for James, was unavailable for comment.

Residents of Whistler, British Columbia, and 2010 Winter Olympic visitors alike are up in arms due to increased police presence in the small city.

Whistler, which was once was a safe haven for those who wished to smoke cannabis in public, more than doubled its police force of 30 in preparation for the Games.?The police are making hourly inspections of clubs and pubs, putting a halt to the need to serve bar munchies.

Marijuana! Hey, at least it’s not crack!

Whistler Mountain High

Several of the city’s 9,965 residents believe authorities are using buzzkill-esque methods in an effort to sanitize Whistler’s image, while club managers and patrons simply want to get stoned alongside strangers once again.

“Usually in Whistler you won’t even see a cop,” Donnelly Gellar, a 20-year-old snowboarder in a grungy rainbow poncho, told the Associated Press. “It’s so weird right now. Wow … just wow.”

Several visitors and club owners have stopped displaying the 2010 Olympic logo and adopted what they call a new and improved Whistler logo, which is green and has an image of a middle-aged man sporting a tie and a cannabis pipe.

The words printed on the logo have become somewhat of a rallying cry and can be heard on the streets of Whistler at all hours of the day and night:

“Marijuana! Hey, at least it’s not crack!”

In other news, next week’s annual Sportspoop.com staff retreat has been moved from Whistler to Weed, Calif.

On with Wednesday’s poopery! …

• Bitches, man. Scottish lass wins Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten (NY Daily News)
• Bitches, man. Tila Tequila resolves lawsuits with Shawne Merriman. At last, our long national nightmare is over (Sign On San Diego)
• The Oakland Raiders just gave a kicker $9 million in guaranteed salary. Fill in your own punch line here: __________ (Inside Bay Area)
• Former Lions coach says he doesn’t remember naked Wendy’s romp. Sounds like he has a bright future in politics (Detroit News)
• Barry Melrose produces a memorable on-air moment for ESPN’s “First Take”. That makes memorable on-air moment No. 1 for ESPN’s “First Take” (You Been Blinded)
• If you’re scoring at home, that’s 27 player arrests and counting during the Urban Meyer era at Florida (Orlando Sentinel)
• Kansas fans transfixed by the mysterious Texas A&M panda (Lawrence (Kan.) Journal-World
• Gasp! … is it possible David Stern isn’t actually the genius the media has annointed him? (answer: yes) (The Big Lead)
• IOC puts kibosh on excessive jingoism, ’70s beer slogans (Reuters)
• It’s official: Everyone hates the Olympic coverage. And by everyone, we mean surly, cynical media-types (Deadspin)
• Break up the Nets! (Yahoo! Sports)