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My tissues go into the biohazard trash can

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:12:40 GMT

What did the doctor say to me on Monday regarding my potential H1N1 flu? Here's how it went down. My normal doctor couldn't see me for another couple days, and i wanted to know if I had H1N1 now. It's Monday and I got work to do. Am I deadly contagious? I set up an appointment to see another doctor I haven't met. I go over to the doctor's office to get my answer.

Maybe he'll be nice
I'm sitting in the super tiny room examining the cute cell poster on the corner wall. The poster is clearly drawn by a child for a science fair project, but it's also signed with the same name as this doctor. It's probably a poster he made when he was in grade school! That's neat. Maybe this doctor will be really nice.

The examination in the doorway
The doctor opens the door but stands in the doorway as he asks me several questions. "Have you been coughing and sneezing today? Do you have a fever today?" Both of which I answer, "no, not today." Still standing in the doorway he looks perplexed and says, "We have these blue charts on the door to warn us when someone might have a virus, I'm going to go wear a mask and come in an examine you. This is only for precaution." I told him, "Oh yeah, that's cool, masks are fun. If you have any extra, I'll wear one too--for double safety." I totally thought the doctor was going to do the full examination with him standing in the hallway with the door cracked open.

The mask
The doc comes back wearing a mask, but none for me. I think he left too soon to hear me say that I wanted one. He fully enters the room this time and sits in a chair in the opposite corner of the room. His mask looks like it's perfectly sealed onto his face. His eyes look very worried.

Seriously. I'm starting to think that I'm in an episode of 24, and I have the world's most deadly virus and I'm going to die in 24 hours--even though I feel fine, this doc is starting to creep me out a bit. We run down the normal list of symptoms. Then asks me to take off my shirt and he'll take my blood pressure. He does the standard leaving the room (to make the patient not feel like he's in a strip show), but honestly I think he left so he could get a breather from an oxygen tank.

Turning his face away everytime I speak
I sit on the paper couch shirtless, and am getting a bit cold (the chills are one of the symptoms). The doc finally returns after a while. I think he covered his entire body in anti-virus cream. As he's taking my blood pressure he has to get in closer, I start to tell some story and every time I speak he turns his head away! I mean, I understand he doesn't want to catch it, but it just seemed so socially unusual.

The biohazard trash can
As he's feeling my lungs as I deeply breath, I have to cough. He quickly hands me a tissue and I cough out a little loogie. He asks to see it, which is REALLY COOL. The fact that a someone--especially a doctor--wants to see my loogie. I dunno. It's neat. After quickly glancing at it, he determined, "Oh, that looks ok." Then I go to throw it away in the standard garbage can. OH NO! He told me to throw it away in the BIO-HAZARD MATERIAL TRASH CAN. I get a huge laugh out of this. Whoa! My tissues are so deadly contaminated, they have to go into a BIO HAZARD trash can. I gotta get me one of these! As I laugh, the doctor turns away his face.

Rivers flowing of hand sanitizer
Then he gets out the hand sanitizer. As much as I make fun of the doctor's attention to catching the virus, he is truly doing a fantastic job. His role is to make sure this thing doesn't spread. To that end, he's fulfilling his role perfectly. It was just funny how it seemed extreme to me. Even with the the hand sanitizer. When he pumps it out into my hands, he pumped out SOOOOO MUCH. I mean SRSLY. I know I'm a guy, so I don't use lotion all that much, but he really put so much sanitizer out, I could have done my hands and all of my arms! But hey, the man is being gracious. Very very gracious.

The diagnosis
At the end of it all, he gives the diagnosis. He says I probably have the seasonal flu. All the symptoms point to that. But the H1N1 virus often acts like the seasonal flu, so I might have that too. He tells if I live by myself or with anyone. I tell him I live alone. He said that I should avoid all human contact at least through Wednesday. If I did live with someone, I think he would have told me those people would have to live elsewhere for the time.

The virus is contagious from 12 hours before the symptoms show up and up to 7 days after the first symptoms. So for me that's Wednesday night. Today is Wednesday, so hopefully by tonight I'll be over the contagious period.

I get to skip checking out
The doctor departs, and so I go to check out at the desk. But nobody comes. I stand there for a few minutes wondering if I should be checking out if I'm so highly deadly super contagious, and maybe that's why nobody is coming to the desk. Eventually the doctor walks by--without a mask, how strange to see his mouth--and says nicely, "Matt, you can just go home." So I did. And I would try to keep a 28-foot distance between me and and people on the way home. (That's four arm-lengths, I walked around imagining four people with their arms out-stretched and tried to keep that distance).

The tricky part was the L ride home. I picked the car that had no babies and no elderly people. Thankfully the car was pretty empty.

Now where is my biohazard trash can?

The spooky stolen bike mystery on Halloween in Chicago

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:00:50 GMT

The following is what I submitted for the "Incident Description" field on chicago.stolenbike.org. They ask, "Describe in your own words what you think happened to your bike. Please include any important or unusual details that make your situation unique."

Was my thief in a halloween costume? Or perhaps a Halloween ghost?

I locked my bike in front of Chicago's second largest library figuring it would be safe with the constant car traffic and people that always sit in front of the library chilling out. Across the street in Welles Park is a group of older gentlemen who play bocce ball every weekend.

When I left Sulzer library and saw my bike missing, the couple people sitting outside said they didn't steal it. Then I saw my lock sitting on the ground. Cut. Either with a bolt cutter or a hacksaw.

Also, this happened on Halloween. In this neighborhood, all the kids do their trick or treating on Lincoln Avenue, so there were even more people walking around.

How can someone steal a bicycle with all these witnesses? My only guess is some sort of Halloween ghost. All in all this is shaping up to be like a game of Clue.
-- We know the location. The LIBRARY.
-- We know the weapon. The BOLTCUTTERS (or hacksaw).
-- We do not know the CRIMINAL. Who could have seen this? The pedestrians. The trick or treaters. The auto drivers. The library loungers. The bocce ball players.

This is a Halloween mystery that will haunt me for ages.

I tried to write this in a humourous way, because while it is a serious thing, it's also a rather funny story about how all these different things come together on Halloween. Who knows? Maybe the fact that it's funny might garner it more attention. The more eyeballs, the more likely the changes of the mystery being solved.

However, I do kinda regret saying that this mystery will haunt me. Because I do feel at peace with it. It's important to me that I am at peace with it, because:
A) It's just a material possession
B) Justice is in God's hands, not mine. I trust God.
C) I hope that someone else will be able to use and enjoy my bike

My bike is stolen and it's okay

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 11:00:22 GMT

It's Halloween. I'm at home feeling sick. Laying around was only making me feel more sick and I really wanted to be able to volunteer at the mens' shelter tonight, so I take a bike ride to get some fresh air. The ride through Winnemac Park was just beautiful with the autumn leaves.

I ride over to the nearby Sulzer Library to get some photo books as I'm thinking about reviving my photography by shooting again with my DSLR. I lock up my bike in front of the busy library. A couple hours later I come out and my bike is gone! I'm shocked. Plus I'm already a little dizzy and confused from feeling sick (side point: H1N1? Eep).

I look up and down the block, but I totally remember locking my bike to the bike rack. I tell one of the guys sitting in front of the library that my bike got stolen. He said, "I didn't steal it." Yeah, no duh. You are sitting here with no bicycle. Sheesh.

But then... then... there was my bike lock laying on the ground by the bike rack. Cut. They left the bike lock behind? What balls. In a way i was actually grateful, because it gave me real final evidence that my bike was stolen. It actually felt better to have that lock in my hand. Before i had nothing. At least now I have this final closure.

Then here's where a couple interesting things come into play.

A nice older biker guy pulls up to lock his bike among all the other bikes there, and i warn him. At this point I just really need to let out what happened. This fellow listens to me and is very understanding. He also lost a bike a couple years ago. He shares with me how it's hard to lose a bicycle, even if it wasn't worth that much. We talk for a bit and I thank him very much for helping me, that he was a Godsend. Literally. I often find when I'm in the dumps, that there's someone that comes along either a stranger or someone I know that brightens my day. Little did I know I would be getting both in this situation.

I walk (not bike) home. I thank God that at least this happened within walking distance of my apartment (just about five blocks). I'm getting hungry, for some odd reason I feel like Subway. There's all these nice food places on Lincoln Avenue, but I choose Subway. I walk in, get my meatball sub, and as I'm about to leave, who's outside the door? A friend I haven't seen in over a year! My friend who lived above me for six years.

It was really nice running into him. We eat our lunch together and he was also very consoling about my bike loss, and he also agreed with me that this is a good lesson to not hold onto things too tightly.

All-in-all with this bike loss, I'm happy God brought in two people right away to help me. Tomorrow is a blog post about my submission to chicago.stolenbike.org.

Every 8 years comes extremely bad design on the web

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:00:08 GMT

First Geocities. Eight years later MySpace. What will come next? I'm guessing around 2012 we'll have another attack of extremely poor design online.

But you still have to hand it to Geocities and MySpace. Despite their total ignorance of design, they did innovate new ways to publish on the web. Come 2012, we'll have another wave of web publishing innovation. Perhaps holograms or something. And they'll be continuous animation holograms of construction workers digging and sparkles. Lots and lots of sparkles. Holographic sparkles. I can't wait.

Etymology app for the iPhone

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:00:25 GMT

Etymology. There's no app for that.

Dear iPhone developers,
Please give the world an app for etymology.

Much love,
matt

Verizon is giving away Droid phones via the claw machine on Michigan Avenue in Chicago

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:10:02 GMT

(that is not me in the photo, but that is my bluetooth headset I won)

I won! I won!

Here�s how it happened.

Pre-game
I�m sitting at work in the Tribune Tower. Outside my window at 11am, I could hear a microphone with a guy talking, �Ok let�s start!� Verizon set up a claw machine in Pioneer Court outside the Tribune Tower. They are giving away phones!

A few hours pass, I go to lunch and walk by the setup and snapped this photo. I didn�t bother getting in line at the time.

I�m coming back to work from lunch with a meatball sandwich in one hand, and the Muppet Show comic book in the other. The line looked quite short and the game goes by pretty fast, so I figured what the heck. I�ll play just for the experience of it.

Each person gets two tries to aim the claw to pick up a round ball. This looks very easy as the round ball fits perfectly within the claw�s grips. It�s not like the tricky methods that all other claw games use. The heavy toy. The awkwardly sized toy. The toys jammed all together, so you can�t pick it up.

No.

These are just loose, light simple round plastic balls. In fact, they look like Pokemon balls. That made me giggle. Especially since when you successfully drop a ball into the bucket, the mohawk-wearing Verizon MC takes the ball out and hands it to a woman on the side. She then cracks open the Pokemon ball to pull out a piece of paper that tells you what you win. Super simple. Especially since I�m a claw game MASTER. (It's true, I've blogged about the claw game several times)

Standing in line
When I get in line, I look up at the Wrigley Building�s clock saying 2:00pm. I try to study what the best method is for securing a ball. But the goofy security guards standing there kinda blocked the view. The line moved really fast. I saw one of my coworkers in line and he was playing with his iPhone. I told him, �dude, you can�t be playing with that in line. This is verizon, man!�

While in line I was thinking about having the mohawk dude with the microphone yell out, �SHOUT-OUT TO 14TH FLOOR TRIBUNE TOWER!� When that short 15 minute wait was up, I was so excited to play the game, I dropped my meatball sandwich and Muppets comic book on the ground by the game and grabbed the joystick.

Playing the game
Ok, strategy time. Which ball? Following standard claw game strategy, you go for one on the top and close to the bucket. I eyed a nice ball over the wall, as the claw moved, it had a laser pointer. I yelled out �A LASER POINTER, NO WAY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!� Seriously. I do these things.

As I move the claw to the wall, and think, �WHAT AM I DOING? THIS IS THE WALL? YOU DON�T PICK UP A BALL BY THE GLASS.� Thankfully the claw was multi-directional. That is you don�t get just two movements and that�s it. You can move it around as much as you want. I slide the claw over to another ball closer to the bucket and press the red button. The claw drops.

The claw squeezes.

The claw doesn�t pick up a ball. NO! What?!

I couldn�t believe it.

Thankfully each contestant gets two tries. I become more determined. A steely glaze comes across my eyes. I dance in front of the machine looking for the perfect ball. I hop over to the side of the machine in search of the perfect ball. I found it. Right by the bucket.

I say, �I�m getting that ball right there. Oh yeah.�

The laser gets aimed right on top of the ball. Dead center. This is a winner. I drop the claw. A nervous chill covers my entire body as the claw is slightly off center. I exclaim, �ut oh. It�s a little off center.�

The claw GRABS the ball. YES! YES! YES! But now the deadly carry-over. The claw carries the ball over. The machine is shaking. My heart is pounding. DON�T DROP THE BALL!

The claw finishes its trip over to the bucket and releases the ball. I WON! I WON! I turn to the crowd and yell, I win! I win! I think people are thinking I�m crazy, cuz nobody else was doing that.

As I bend down to pick up my meatball sandwich and Muppets comic book, the machine starts spitting out fog smoke, RIGHT WHERE MY SANDWICH IS SITTING. Literally. It was really crazy. It was like the machine was trying to cook my sandwich.

I walk over to the girl on the side to find out what I won. I was just happy enough to have gotten the ball. I didn�t really care what was inside the ball. She opens up the ball and says, �it�s a bluetooth.� That�s cool! I yell out BLUETOOOOOOOOTH!

Post-game analysis
Oh man that was fun. They handed me my bluetooth, which funny enough, doesn�t work with my iPhone. But I�m happy, cuz I�m sure someone will be able to use it. Yeah, I could sell it on eBay, but meh. It came to me free, so I�ll be happy to give it to someone.

So now when I hear the mohawk guy outside my window, yell out, �We have a new winner! Another phone,� I�m very happy. A couple times I have yelled out at work, �A new phone winner!� Now I�m trying to convince my coworkers to play the game. It�s so much fun, everyone should play!

Conversation starter about styrofoam

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:00:22 GMT

Yesterday we talked about how the word Styrofoam has origins in trees. I've put screenshots styrofoam's etymology on my iPhone, so it can be a conversation starter whenever someone is drinking out of a death cup.

Please feel free to put these screenshots on your phone and start a styrofoam discussion.

The word Styrofoam has origins in trees

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:58:40 GMT

What does styrofoam mean?
Styro. You'd think that's made up, right? Styrofoam is a trademark name by Dow Chemical Co. in 1950. It's based from the word polystyrene. (see polystyrene)

What does polystyrene mean?
Etymonline.com says:
1927, so called because it is a polymer of styrene (see styrene).

What does styrene mean?
In 1885, they thought it would be cool to name this hydrocarbon as Styrene, because the resin from Styrax trees have a little bit of this chemical. (see styrax)

Where does styrax come from?
It's greek for "shaft of a lance."

Next time you see someone killing our environment by using a styrofoam cup, you can let them know that the word styrofoam is based on the resin from styrax trees, but the styrofoam doesn't actually come from that resin. Instead it comes from the lovely petroleum industry.

By drinking from these cups, you actually are fullfulling the origin of the word styrax--and that's jabbing a shaft of a lance into your heart and into our planet.

If one thurses on Thursday, does one fry on Friday?

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 09:26:01 GMT

Days of the week as verbs.

Person 1: How are you?
Person 2: I'm frying. You?
Person 1: Yeah, it is very hot in this elevator. Tomorrow I'll be satting.
Person 2: Sweet, I love to relax and sat. On Sunday I'll be sunning.
Person 1: You know what's nice after a good sun? This Monday, I'm gonna be monning.
Person 2: Monning? Wow. That's a little TMI. Last Tuesday I did some tuesing.
Person 1: Tuessing. That's funny. This wednesday, i'm declaring my official love for coffee and wedding myself to a cup.
Person 2: Wow. I'm really thursy for a cup of coffee.

The 10 funniest balloon boy jokes on twitter

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:32:19 GMT

Twitter has some funny quips about balloon boy, you can read the best ones selected at twitter.com/balloonboytweet.

Here's my ten favorite jokes about balloon boy, Falcon Heene:

Is Balloon Boy the new King Of Pop?
The Balloon itself was cool though. Kind of made me hungry for Jiffy Pop popcorn.
Good news...Balloon Boy will be guest hosting Raw the week after next!
The Balloon boy story would be way cooler if he was over inflated like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka
wish I went on a balloon ride today too... which is code for, wish I had hidden in the attic all day
Yo Balloon Boy...Imma let you finish, but Anne Frank had one of the best attic hiding spots of all time!
Balloon Boy hoax about as good as Terrell Owens trade rumors to Bears, just didn't have quite as much hot air.
Predicted Post headline: "Balloon Boy Gets Grounded"
Balloon Boy : World Champion, Hide-and-Seek 2009!
Now assembling my Halloween costume: Cardboard box? Check. Foil balloon? Check. Toy news helicopter? CHECK.

Over 40 more funny balloon boy tweets at twitter.com/balloonboytweet