Here are  nine factors at play that she covers in this highly recommended book:  (These are her words, edited only occasionally for the sake of this blog).

1) Affinity and beyond – familiarity does not breed contempt.  It breeds comfort and a sense of safety. Madoff’s  crime is described as an affinity crime,  preying on people like him who knew others like themselves, who didn’t ask questions because their level of comfort was so high that they felt they could take shortcuts.  Our blindness grows out of the small, daily decisions that we make which embed us snugly inside our affirming thoughts and values.  We think we see more but in fact the landscape has shrunk.

2) Love is blind – we blind ourselves to inconvenient or painful facts. Because our identity and security depends on our loved ones, we don’t want to see anything that threatens them. It is easier to be blind than deal with uncomfortable feelings. Neuroscience shows that love activates those areas of the brain associated with reward such as food, drink, money or cocaine.  The chemical processes stimulated by love disable much of the critical thinking about the loved one. There is the paradox of blindness – we think it will make us safe even as it puts us in danger. We make ourselves powerless when we pretend not to know.

3) Dangerous convictions – Psychologist Anthony Greenwald called this the “totalitarian ego.” It operates like a police state: locking away threatening or incompatible ideas, suppressing evidence, and re-writing history, all in the service of a central idea or self-image.

4) The limits of your mind – Focused attention on one thing, to the exclusion of everything else – cognitive fixation or tunnel vision – is a typical performance effect of fatigue. The mind also has its limits. As Psychologist Daniel Gilbert explains, resource depletion specific ally disables cognitive elaboration.  Because it takes less brain power to believe than to doubt, we are, when tired or distracted, gullible.

5) The Ostrich Instruction – We see what we want to see and don’t see what we don’t want to see. So how can we fix a problem that we refuse to acknowledge? Are we opting for knowledge or ignorance?

6) Just following orders – Psychologist Stanley Milgram noted that when the individual is working alone, conscience is brought into play. But when working within a hierarchy, authority replaces individual conscience. He merges his unique personality into larger institutional structures.

7) The cult of cultures – under social pressure, most of us would simply rather be wrong than alone.  Competitive environments seem to exacerbate conformity.  Uncomfortable feelings of social exclusion and physical pain arise, in part, from the same regions of the brain and the same neurochemicals that regulate physical pain also control the psychological pain of social loss. 

8) De-moralizing work – when we care about people, we care less about money and when we care about money, we care less about people.  Our moral capacity may be limited in the same way as our cognitive capacity is.

9) See better – Collaboration between two different thinking style, questions and challenges to a problem and common purpose can lead to inspiring outcomes.  Unearth the unmentionables. Ask more disagreeable questions.   Question the unquestionable.  We need to develop two critical habits: critical thinking and courage.

Margaret Heffernan  finishes the books saying that – as all wisdom does – seeing starts with asking simple questions: What could I know, should I know that I don’t know? Just what am I missing here?

If you read only one book, the next quarter, make it this one!  Individuals and organizations, both, will be better off for it.

Jasbindar Singh is a business psychologist who works with business leaders to sharpen their levels of self awarness including any blind spots.

It is one thing, if there were legitimate reasons for not taking action. However, many a time, we have also not done what we really wanted or taken that next step because of our limiting self-talk and underlying beliefs.  Thinking and beliefs like – “I just need to do one more course before I am ready” (then another and another!); “can I really do that” or “what if it doesn’t work out?”  

We talk ourselves out of things even before we begin.  Our dreams, desires or goals beckon but we don’t honour them sufficiently; instead – prioritizing it to a vague another day, another time, maybe never.

But what if this was the only time you had and the time is now?  Last week while having coffee with my friend and colleague, Amanda Fleming and discussing our work and business, we both agreed that, “the time is now.”   This is also a sentiment I have heard echoed with my clients, colleagues and friends.  Perhaps it’s a gift of the aging process, a recognition that we need to move and do what it takes if we want to give our dreams, aspirations and inner knowing a chance.  There is potency as we realize that life is not limitless and we feel compelled to give it the best shot we can; whatever it takes.

Interestingly studies have also shown that when older people were asked about their regrets, their answer was not what they did but more what they didn’t do.  From a mindfulness practice, the time is indeed now as this is the only moment we get to live in and experience.  And in the moment, as Eckhart Tolle says – there are no problems or issues; only awareness.

So how about you? 

1) Is there something you would love to do or be but you are putting this off and have been doing this for a while now?

2) If the time is now, what might you do that you aren’t doing currently?

3) What might you commit to and what might you let go off?

Regardless of our age – the time is now – so give it all you got!

Your Gift   – Amanda Fleming, a sought after presentation skills trainer,  is offering the readers of this SQ-Zine an opportunity to download a FREE e-copy of her popular and practical book , “I can see clearly now.”   This offer is available for the next 48 hours.  You can download here to get your copy. 

Jasbindar Singh is a coaching psychologist and leadership development coach based in Auckland, NZ.

More seriously, this time it hit me that birthdays are only made special because of our loving family and friends. Their warm wishes are like a wrapping of love. It made me feel like the perfect gift.  As my heart expanded, I was able to extend these feelings of appreciation and gratitude back to them. I was also left questioning how most of our days we madly rush around, rarely savouring or letting in the gift that our loved ones are to us.

According to Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, Psychology Professor and author of Positivity, true gratitude is heartfelt and unscripted, not mindless manners or tit for tat reciprocity.  The film and social movement Pay it forward is a great example of gratitude in action.

Gratitude is one of the essential pillars of positive psychology.   It has a direct hit on our feelings of positivity and well-being. Research shows that people, who are more grateful have higher levels of subjective well-being are less stressed, less depressed and are more satisfied with their lives and relationships.  Our resourcefulness and capacity also expands when we are in a more positive frame of mind and we are better able to deal with life transitions.

Gratitude researchers have found that the simple exercise of writing down three positive things that happened to us in our day increases our happiness scores. In fact, why don’t you try this?  Every night when you go to bed, let your mind wonder and identify three things that you feel grateful for that day.  Notice how you feel by the end of the week.  One thing I have noted is when I am feeling out of sorts and or somewhat crabby, invariably my focus would have slowly shifted to what is incomplete and unresolved or basically “what isn’t working well.”  The feelings of gratitude – low.

As Albert Schweitzer put it, “at times our own light goes out and is re-kindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

So treasure the unexpected, heartfelt gratitude that comes your way and be willing to share and pay it forward – whether it is your family, friends, peers, direct reports, manager or a stranger.

Jasbindar Singh is  business psychologist who loves helping her clients achieve their goals and lead  meaningful and  fulfilling lives.

Let us take our colleagues and bosses. How free do we feel to openly communicate our thoughts and feelings with them?  How often do we not share with a team member that their annoying and seemingly disrespectful behaviours perhaps borne of poor EQ skills are getting in the way of a potentially good working relationship?

My experience is that we cannot avoid and gloss over issues and our rumbling feelings for too long.  Sooner or later things do catch up and bubble over at inopportune moments and in inappropriate ways.   When this happens, it is generally not a good look and typically does more harm than good.

The other down side of not being able to discuss and share our concerns is that it does not call for a good, healthy and robust team and or relationship where differences can be voiced, feelings can be heard and decisions still made for the greater good. In fact, what is “present” but not spoken becomes the “pink elephant” which is very much present but everyone ignores and carries on regardless.

On the face of it, it appears that people are working towards the organizational goals and objectives but seriously, what will be stampeding your progress will be the unspoken shadow side. Not dissimilar to the subtle powers of the unconscious mind.

Taking the risk and sharing or giving feedback to another is a challenge most people do not relish.  Managers would rather focus on operational aspects of the business than have to deal with the difficult domain of having to contend with “all the other stuff to do with feelings and emotions – “yikes!” But for managers and leaders this is part of the job. What is negative and not dealt with grows and becomes more toxic and pervasive with time. However, if we can set up the right context and culture for team members to be able to do this easily and routinely then everyone wins.

As a manager and leader, a good first step is to do some self-reflection and identify what your own fears/self-talk might be with regards to giving feedback. Is it time? Trying to please everybody?  Don’t know how? Waiting for the performance review? Organizational politics?    A relationship or team is as good as the degree of openness, trust and flexibility present.  Yes – these things take time to build but if we leave the issues unaddressed and get into  “conflict avoidant” mode than everyone loses. Moving beyond the initial discomfort and taking the appropriate action ultimately benefits the entire team. Feedback given sensitively and appropriately can be the ultimate gift – you care enough to tell it like it is.

 Jasbindar Singh is an experienced business psychologist and leadership coach who is passionate about creating workplace excellence. She speaks on this topic along with employee engagement, leadership and “being in our groove”. She is also the award winning author of “Get your Groove Back.”

“It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.”  

Being responsible for our lives is a no brainer.  If we are asked the question of whether we take responsibility for our lives, the majority of us would say, “but, of course.” Seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it?   But this can be a question worth exploring deeper.  In my earlier work as a clinician, then as a consultant and coach, I discovered that even the most successful person invariably had an area or issue that they had sidled away from taking responsibility – whether consciously or unconsciously.

Here are a couple of examples–a top executive while “hitting the numbers” and running a very reputable and successful business, gave up responsibility of “being a father”  and spending much quality time  ( or any  at all!) with his  young kids.  His rationale – his partner was super organized and while holding down her own demanding job also managed the home life including the children.  Given one of his top values was family, the irony of this hit him sharply and he consequently committed to making time with the kids before they were put to bed.  A solution that he felt was realistic and achievable especially the weeks he was home and not out of the country.

A successful female executive who works hard to keep her life balanced – home, work, her two older teenagers and her fitness including time spent outdoors in physical pursuits. Yet she noticed that as soon as she gets into a relationship, this balance goes haywire. She said, “It’s as if I give up the reins of my life over to my new partner and let him have first call on any free time – very much to my own detriment!”   In both these examples, there were certain beliefs driving the “giving up the reins” behavior and attitude. And our beliefs and attitudes typically come from our early family conditioning.  Sometimes there is even a total blind spot about these.

“Responsibility is the price of greatness”
- Winston Churchill

In the sporting arena, we have recently seen more gross examples where individuals and organizations demonstrate a dire lack of integrity, trust, responsibility and accountability. These include the international match fixing scam in soccer, the Australian doping scandal which has just emerged – a huge blow to their proud sporting self-image and who can forget Lance Armstrong’s continuous denial until he was left with no choice.  And with the latter, I am not convinced that even now he remotely “gets” what values like responsibility and accountability mean. 

If you look at the various aspects or roles in your life  where might you have given up the reins? Is there some place you would do better to “pick up the reins” again and have a greater say in the matter? If you did, how might your life be more enriched, balanced and fuller? I look forward to your thoughts!

Ask yourself every day, were your thoughts, words and actions aligned? Ask someone else what they saw in you too. Feedback is the food of all positive change.
-Brahma Kumaris

 Jasbindar Singh is a coaching psychologist working with managers and leaders to enhance their self awareness and leadership effectiveness. She is also accredited in the powerful Integrity and Values profiling tool to help her clients identify their strengths and trust blind spots.
 

The message here – regardless of what other ventures and or exciting people and projects come along your way, is do not give up your original dream, project or intention in pursuit of the other.   Continue to nurture your dream, goals and intentions.  Like planting seeds in your garden – provide the best growth conditions you can – water it regularly, feed it the right nutrients and generally keep an eye on its ongoing requirements.

It can be a challenge to keep our commitment to our dreams, passion and goals while also maintaining other important aspects of our life.  Our time and energy is limited on planet earth so why not grab it with zeal and give it your best shot.  Research on happiness indicates that our sense of satisfaction comes through engaging in what is meaningful for us.  Once you have identified these –stay on track and remind yourself when you take your eye off the ball for longer than desirable!

Jasbindar Singh is  business psychologist who loves helping her clients achieve their goals and lead  fulfilling lives.

1. Tell us a bit about yourself – your roots and cultural background?

I was born and raised in Hawaii, the oldest of 5 children: I was 5 years old when Hawaii became the 50th State of USA. Like many in the islands, I represent a melting pot of ancestry, and I’m Filipino, Spanish, Portuguese, Russian, and Chinese, yet I consider myself keiki o ka ‘aina (a child of the land) in my value system and prevailing habit, in that I’m completely a product of the islands’ sense of place. In our islands, the locals would call me Kama’aina; one who is native born and bred, but not of Hawaiian blood ancestry. “Of Hawaii” is who I am, in that it is all I know as a resident, other than a very short time when I lived in the Philippines as a teenager, but I’ve been fortunate to have traveled outside of the islands quite a bit – more than most residents do. Haven’t been to your islands yet though, and believe me, it’s near the top of my bucket list!

2. Can you tell us about the traditional Hawaiian culture and its value system?

Oh my, how do I answer that in a single paragraph! We all can trace our roots elsewhere, for even the ancestors of those of Hawaiian blood arrived in Hawaii via sailing canoe long ago, however our location gave us a unique Polynesian identity very quickly, as our islands arose on what would become the most remote inhabited spot on the earth. We’ve had a fascinating history, and in the snippet I’ve had the good fortune to live through, we became quite Westernized after Statehood, and then embarked on the Hawaiian Renaissance of the 1970′s starting with chant, music and dance. The exploration of our cultural identity has broadened and deepened ever since, yet the technological revolution has assured that our worldwide viewpoint remains a global and connected one, especially given our strategic military presence for America. In very general brushstrokes, our value system is largely about family and connection to the land, and it is very spiritual: Everyone here would likely say that Aloha is our primary value, and shared by everyone regardless of race or heritage.

3. What has been your journey leading you to the work you are doing now?

I started working in the restaurant business when I was 15. My dad was sent to the Vietnam War, and I had to contribute to our family income. I kept working through my schooling, grabbing hold of my first management job at 17 because being the one in charge seemed to make everything easier. When I graduated from college I was awarded an internship with Hyatt Corporation, and my hotel career began in earnest. I was a property opener for most of my career, eventually transitioning into resort residential development. I was a manager throughout it all, and so I became singularly focused on getting that thing we called “management” done well, and done better. For most of my career, ‘leadership’ was this buzzword in business-speak and I didn’t relate to it all that much, but I held great respect and admiration for effective managers, and I was lucky enough to work with several of them and have them mentor me. I’ve always been a great student, totally in love with study and with learning as my primary personal value, and once school was over I had the chance to set my own curriculum, starting with values-based management as my target. It became my passion.

4. How and where do you see the intersect of these values with business? How relevant are these values to modern business?

I don’t see any situation where values and business don’t intersect! In short, values are a kind of packaging of our beliefs and convictions, and we gravitate back to them constantly because we also believe they are inherently wise, and good for us. Thus values do two very important things for us: They define our Why – and about mostly everything we want to filter through them – and they give us a How-to we feel we can comfortably rely on: Values drive our behavior.

That question of relevance is exactly what I tackled when I outlined my book. Up to that point I had identified about 50 different values in the Hawaiian culture within my study and interviews with our elders, and I wanted to give managers a modern reference and resource to the values I felt could help them best fulfill our responsibility as managers: I chose 19 as the values I wrote about in Managing with Aloha. I don’t consider it a scholarly or historical book, but a practical and useful one.

5. How do you go about teaching and facilitating these values in the workplace?

I help in culture-building using values as the universal building blocks they are. My initial goal is to help managers understand their own values better than they do (theirs, not mine), so they can reckon with their own behavioral drivers first, and second, so they can better identify values in play in their workplaces as embodied by everyone else – the people who should be their partners. I’ve found that the most effective way of doing this is to get the language of values into their day-to-day work: I call this the MWA Language of Intention. Whatever we talk about most, is what we’ll tend to work on most – we have a naturally human need to honor our own good word, and get our verbal statements and commitments to become true: This is what that phrase “walking our talk” is all about. I push conversation constantly. Managers will say, “I talk to my people every day!” but that’s not what I hear from their people.

6. What is the typical feedback that you get from the clients you work with?

When I started coaching, I’d often hear, “I wish you were my manager.” because I was the only one speaking that Language of Intention people wanted to hear, and I had to learn to stop managing too much! As you know, we who coach need to actually coach ourselves out of a job: We have to coach others to be the great managers we leave behind us — they’ll be doing the work needing to be done. What I’d learned about values, as described in answering  question #4, helped me become a better coach by focusing my training for them on their Why (their culture’s value structure), while challenging the managers themselves to get the How-to done. There are some things I offer in my toolkit, which focus on vocabulary building, conversational agreement, and value alignment, such as the Daily 5 Minutes. So today, what I hear most often as feedback is that “You’ve connected the dots for us.” Very, very rewarding when I know the dots they refer to are their values, and how they’ll newly align them within the way they work.

7. What are your top 3 or 5 values which inform the work you do?

Aloha (unconditional love and acceptance) is my rootstock. Ho‘ohana (the value of worthwhile work) shapes my goals and coaching objectives. Alaka‘i (the value of management and leadership) is my passionate and still-constant study, and ‘Ike loa (the value of learning) is why I derive so much joy from what I do, and try to be creative in my efforts. Another value is one I call Hō‘imi which is about positive expectancy, and always seeking better and best so you can do your part in making it happen. There is beauty to be seen everywhere we look for it, and I’ve always been a hopeful optimist expecting to find it.

8. What gives you the most joy about life and living?

Family gets increasingly important to me as I get older, as do friendships (which I realize I’ve got to be better about participating in). I’ve always been one to thrive in my connections to those I knew depended on me: I liked the responsibility, and I think that made me a good manager. As my career transitioned into coaching I had to learn to let go a bit more – let the baby birds fly out of the nest so to speak! However we never let go of family, and so we begin to discover how they keep growing us no matter how much we feel we’ve aged. Those relationships are comfortable, yet they keep changing, and I’m enjoying that learning of new experiences. Outside of my work and my family, I love dabbling in the different creative arts that appeal to my tactile/visual nature. Photography and gardening are hobbies I enjoy.

9. What is your vision for workplace culture? Humanity?

We know we need work, needing it for all kinds of reasons, yet we underestimate it, or only consider it a means to an end. My vision is that work becomes a choice we thrive in, giving everyone the joy it can give them as sense of place, sense of belonging, and sense of purpose in life. Good work makes for a healthy and happy life, and great work is the stuff of legacy. I place my hope, and all my own work’s efforts in managers, because I believe managers matter – with Aloha as their driving force, Alaka‘i Managers can reinvent workplaces to offer that healthy, happy work humanity will thrive in.

Jasbindar Singh is a coaching psychologist working with managers and leaders to enhance their self awareness and leadership effectiveness. She is also accredited in the powerful Integrity and Values profiling tool to help her clients identify their strengths and trust blind spots.

Another colleague, recently challenged with a health issue, successfully used the mantra, “all I have to get through is today” and “all I have is ‘the now’ to do what is needed.”  This helped him get through things in a much calmer and resourceful manner than being on the relentless rollercoaster of anxiety and panic feelings he was familiar with.

The point I want to make in this blog is that while there are positive steps we can take when confronted with challenging times, there is another thing we can also do.  Although all of the above strategies are effective because  we have no control over the unexpected, we can become a bit more proactive in identifying areas or thinking patterns which decrease our resilience.  

 Here are some questions for your exploration. We start off broadly then get more focused:

1)      What is the main area of your life where you feel vulnerable? For example, is this finance, health, relationships and or your own emotions?

2)     Whatever area you have identified, for example, relationships, is it mostly with people at work or home? 

3)      What is the more specific issue or thinking pattern that makes you feel less resilient?

4)      Looking back at your life, is there a trend or pattern which shows up in this area?

5)      What have you done in the past that has worked to address this?  What comes to mind?

6)      More importantly, what are you called to do DIFFERENTLY now?  The latter can be as simple as having a strategic intent or an action that needs to be taken consistently.

7)      If you took this action, what might be the outcome? What could change for the better?

8)      Commit to doing it!

Building your resilience requires awareness, action and reflection.  Get more proactive by becoming more aware of where you can cover yourself with some resilience insurance!

Jasbindar Singh is a coaching psychologist, author and speaker and loves seeing people be more of their authentic self and in their groove. 

Becoming a life member at the gym at the then lowish prices, some 20 years back,  has to be one of the best investments I ever  made.  Over the past year, the ritual of seeing my ” instrutor gostoso”  has also kept me on track!  Catching  up with my colleague and friend after the  workout is another comforting and supportive ritual. I’m aware there has been an absence of this ritual as she is currently in New York looking after her ailing mother.

So how about you?  What are some rituals that enhance your life? Whether in
work, business or personal life, positive rituals help ground us, advance
our intentions and goals and lift our spirit. 

What are some rituals that nurture and nourish your life?

 Jasbindar Singh is a business psychologist who loves helping her clients become more of what they desire!

While there is no simple solution to the above, and everyone is different, there is a delightful ANTIDOTE to this conundrum.

Do more of what you love most and integrate this in your life as much as practicable.   Do this on a daily, weekly or monthly basis and you may just be surprised at the outcome.  More often than not, as we get busier, the very things that we love, that give us joy, slip through the press of time and deadlines.

Such is human psychology that if we don’t express our joy, we soon cease to feel it.
- Lin Yutang

Integrating what you love but may have ignored is what refreshes and recharges us.  Integrating what you love doing most, (but may have ignored) is what refreshes and recharges your life’s battery.  It is “food for the soul.”  We find that “joie de vivre” returns.  As positive psychology encourages, we then live a meaningful life through engaging in these activities and savouring their uplifting moments.  These positive experiences become part of our ongoing emotional bank account and final legacy. 

This change of activity and pace through integrating what we enjoy can be as good as a holiday.  Conversely, not integrating them in our lives leads to life’s batteries running low.

The secret to life’s purpose is to be happy.  In order to be truly and permanently happy , we have to fulfil our best intentions and act on them right away … even if that means we start by just giving good thoughts to them.
-Brahma Kumaris, London

By way of example, one of the things I enjoy is creative writing.   Just making time to let the mind drift – letting thoughts and ideas emerge in whatever intuitive and random manner they do and then giving it shape is an enjoyable act for me.  I love words and language.  However, I noticed as things got busier this year, I let my writing go as I succumbed to other demands.  Julia Cameron, author of “The Artist’s Way” puts it well, “When we don’t pursue our creativity, we find ourselves feeling restless, irritable and discontent.  And when we do pursue our creativity, we find ourselves unexpectedly happy.”  Having reclaimed my writing, I feel whole again.

Your personality will also have a part to play here.  If you are more inclined to have an introverted preference and get energy from being by yourself with your own reflective thoughts, it is likely that you find solo activities more replenishing.  On the other hand for the more extroverted personalities, activities where there is opportunity for companionship and banter may have a greater pull.  Having said this, sometimes it is the opposite – where extroverts need quiet self reflective time and introverts need social contact for balance!

A consulting engineer client – quite gregarious by nature – loves to strum his guitar.  As he puts it, “I trained as an engineer, I’m good at it and it’s my living, but it’s when I play my guitar I lose all sense of time.  I lose all sense of any issues or problems that we all face on a daily basis.”  Last year,  this led  him to create  a band of mostly other fellow engineers who jam monthly – finding pleasure in Rock and Roll and each other’s company,  followed by a big shared feed at the end.  As he puts it: “This brings intense joy and pleasure not only to me, but to ALL THOSE AROUND ME.”

 As we get older, doing more of what we love becomes even more critical as we are forced to contend with unforeseen mental and or physical limitations which can impact on our good intentions of “when I have time I will do this.”  But time waits for no one, as we know too well.

SQ Reflections:

So how about you? 

What makes your heart sing?

When you are in your ‘flow state’ what are you doing?

 What is inside of you needing a voice and expression?

 What is something you enjoy doing but haven’t done in a long while? What is that one thing that you absolutely must do before time runs out?

What is something you can integrate in your life on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis? 

We all have many facets to us – why not express these more fully? Now!

P.S.  If you or a friend or family member have lost your groove, are looking for your  purpose and  wanting to explore this further, you may wish to read “Get your groove back” over the holiday period.  You can order a copy via: http://www.sqconsulting.co.nz/page.php?19. There is also a workbook version available as either hard or e-copy.

Jasbindar Singh is a coaching psychologist, author and speaker and loves seeing people be more of their authentic self and in their groove.  She is also re-discovering the joys of writing again!