"Moo" - a confused sheep

Whale Flatulance:: One Big Bubble or Millions of Tiny Bubbles?

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce the Cat) — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 08:28:00 +0000

I think I've just solved all the world's energy problems at once. Blue whales are big. Really, really big. An animal that big must blow pretty big bubbles when it vents gas, or if not one big bubble, millions of tiny little bubbles. Too put it simply, just think of all the energy that must be released with a whale's fart.

--- I would say the image below demonstrates the difference in size between me and a whale but, not only is it a shoddy attempt at a drawing, the whale is also far too small. So its only real purpose is so that I can now call this a multimedia blog, as it incorporates both pictures and text. ---

All it takes is for someone to attach a giant balloon (an unwanted hot air balloon perhaps) to the front of a submarine and for said submersible to follow the whale around, literally catching their farts.

All this methane could then be brought back to England (because obviously we'd lead the world in whale fart exports. Why wouldn't we?) where it could be bottled off into smaller jars and sold to the home consumer.

Through a system of winches, pulleys, bellows, ping pong balls, valves, hoses, test tubes and small wasps the energy contained within could be passed to whatever appliance needed it (you'd literally be passing wind) be it kettle, oven, tumble dryer, car or even miniature novelty windmill (another great pun there!) and the methane could be burnt off safely, quickly and in an environmentally friendly manner.

Any day now I expect the world leaders, including Bono, to be a-rat-a-tattin on my door and asking for more details on my world saving idea.

The Vend-o-Trifle:: with complimentary spoon(ing)

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce the Cat) — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 19:58:00 +0000

It's a well known fact that 99.999% of the worlds population finds trifle irresistible. (I say that's a well known fact but most people seem to disagree with me when I mention it. Perhaps it's not that well known after all).

My idea is to take trifle and add it to that marvel of the engineering world, the vending machine. Imagine the scene, you've just got off the train after a hard day at the carrot factory and you fancy a bite to eat before the long walk home. You could go for a chocolate bar but that's not very healthy. So what about a nice healthy cereal bar? Well yes that would be a healthy choice but because nobody else buys them those that are available where last restocked in 1942.

This is where the vend-o-trifle would come in. It's healthy (because of the fruit) refreshing (mmmmmmmmm, custard) the jelly gives it the comedy factor and, best of all, each trifle would come with a free plastic spoon.

I think people have had their doubts about my ideas in the past but there is absolutely no way on earth that anybody could disagree with the awesomeness of this one.

Beard Farms:: 100% home grown hairyness

noreply@blogger.com (Bruce the Cat) — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 08:57:00 +0000

Beards have gotten a lot of stick over the past few years but, although we won't admit it, I think everyone knows they're the facial accessory to have if you want to get noticed.

What if my brother/sister/mum/dad/girlfriend/boyfrind/cat doesn't want me to have a beard? I hear you ask. What if they don't like the idea but I think a beard would really help me clinch the deal at the big meeting down at the flange assembly shed today?

Nobody to my knowledge (and feel free to correct me) can grow a beard in an emergency situation. That's where FuzzCo beards would come in, home grown beards for the discerning man/woman about town who wants one to slip on when going about their daily business and slip off when they return home at night. Yes there may be fake alternatives out there but anyone who has anything fake gets found out sooner or later, just look at Timmy the Magic Elf Child, soon discovered to be Helga Von TrappydeGass, Germany's answer to Rolf Harris (and she doesn't need to services of FuzzCo).

FuzzCo Facial Fuzzery would be 100% home grown hairyness, there's nothing better.

If I got funding for my beard farm I could start off small with maybe just a field or two and grow a few varieties of beard, maybe a 'tash or two if the conditions were right. Once I'd learnt the ins and outs of mass beard growth I could branch out, buying even more fields and growing even more beards. Maybe even employing otters to guard against beard poachers (obviously these otters would wear pink hotpants to prevent any confusion with the more common water dwelling variety). Y'see I've really thought this through!!

And once I've cornered the market for beard growth they'll be no stopping me!!!