at least on a consistent basis. The venture was without a doubt therapeutic for me over the past five years whether my posts were read or not. If nothing else this medium helped me to formulate thoughts and emotions associated with my unique experience of life and produce a somewhat concise documentation on a consistent basis. Often I suggest to a patient that we should not be the same person we were 5 years previously. We should be better through the process of personal growth which primarily comes about through experiencing and learning from mistakes and practicing what one has learned. What comes next?

A couple of years ago I watched my father reach the end of his life. Now I'm witnessing my mother gradually approach the same inevitable fate. Rarely does a work day pass that a patient does not inform me of a recent loss of a loved one. All the while there is news on the TV or Radio of someone passing unexpectedly or prematurely. These realities remind us that we have no control whatsoever over death but must accept it as a constant reality. The one thing we have full control of is the choices we make with the life that we have. Our time is much too short for bickering and persistent anger. Every day is a gift and being alive the ultimate honor.

In my line of work I am brought down emotionally most by seeing the attack of human potential by soul shattering sexual, physical, or emotional abuse or chemical addiction. Abuse victims that are genuine seem to command the most empathy because often they had no choice in the matter but must learn that now they do have a choice of how to deal with the damage. Addicts that suffer silently are not a problem. Addicts that draw others into their distorted and often chaotic world unnecessarily really bother me. Drug and alcohol addiction are essentially suicide in slow motion. Suicide is often viewed as the ultimate of selfish behaviors since it usually involves exclusive concern of only the pain of the suicide victim and disregards the pain of the survivors. Addicts essentially think the same way and are selfishly concerned only about relief of or avoidance of their own pain. Conversely, addicts tend to indirectly or directly abuse those closest to them through continuing to allow themselves consumed and altered by their drug of choice. The child with the addicted parent may never know that parent for their true self during their childhood. That time is forever lost.  As an adult that child may have to forgive and learn to accept and love that parent for who they have chosen to be, flaws and all. This is a challenge but on rare occasions I have been fortunate enough to witness it happen.

I think the most valuable lesson with addicts insincere about recovery is that no individual has any meaningful control over them for they have little or no meaningful control over self. The sincere recovering addict understands the work required in order for their life to change. They are willing to attend as many meetings as necessary, enter any program recommended, and accept that there is not an easy route to recovery. Most important of all they can see where they are headed with continued use and what will be left behind and possibly not recoverable.

The 5th Anniversary was less than a month ago. Just that was a personal best for making a commitment to something and following through with it for that amount of time. Face Book seems to have rendered the format obsolete. So many things have transpired in the last 2 years that The Headoc has become unclear of purpose and mission within the Blogosphere. A better understanding of the process of change has been reached. A more clear understanding of individual limits achieved.

There actually are probably more subjects to explore than ever but the motivation has seemed to slip away. Where did the angst and fervor escape to and will it return? Is it even necessary? For so long there seemed to be a hidden and mysterious enemy that required defeat. Chivalry was not dead it seemed. It turns out that the only enemy there ever was has been ignorance to truth. Sometimes we cannot handle the truth. Some of us choose and prefer denial at different times in our lives. The media, the government, and corporate America thrive on our obliviousness to reality and our fears. An internet hoax earlier this week showed a short video of a Michael Jackson double rise from the back of a Coroners wagon and walk away. The news spread across the internet and thousands believed he was alive. The person making the video did it just to prove a point of how gullible people can be.

It's amazing how people have allowed healthcare reform to become so politicized and so polarized when many don't even understand the facts of the matter. The Headoc is upset at how doctors have become increasingly marginalized in the matter. Shouldn't healthcare be about patients and doctors being able to do what they do? Why are the major players mostly lawyers, managed care corporations, and pharmaceutical companies? I'm sure that money has nothing to do with it. Wrong! The Headoc wishes the President good luck but optimism is not high. The Headoc is more specifically concerned about Mental Health Care Reform. Thus far such reform can be looked at as chemotherapy in a cancer patient and the proposed cure will probably be worse than the metaphorical disease. It appears inevitable that the situation will worsen before it improves. Our leaders will eventually be forced to realize that it will be more cost efficient to provide enough funding to do it right instead of searching for the cheapest way out. I don't think our jails and correctional institutions will make the best public mental health centers as they appear destined to become.

 Life situations of late appear to have wrestled The Headoc into submission, at least in the area of written expression. He is bound to regain his bearings and return to the blogosphere rejuvenated. Time will tell. Thanks for your past support.

 What a week . . .

I didn't know Ed McMahon was still alive until hearing of his death, I was saddened deeply but not too shocked by Farrah's passing, and I still can't believe Michael is gone. Not to even mention pitch man Billy Mays and a couple of other prominent personalities that left us in the past week. What is this, the rapture or something? I heard an interesting quote from the Kung Fu Panda movie. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift which is why it is called the present." To me that about sums it up. A friend once offered some advise on coping which was to always remember "it's not about you." I took this to mean that there is always a much greater plan at work than our own personal trials and tribulations. In the end everything is guaranteed to work out but karma is an essential ingredient.

Since I was 11 years old Michael has been a part of my emotional and mental make up. In 1969 there was nothing like the Jackson 5. I remember every single recording in sequence to this very day. I could most easily identify with Michael because he was the center of attention and was just 3 months my senior. Everyone adored him as an adolescent. That's the Michael I love most. Every boy wanted to be him secretly. I thought it was so cool when girls told me I looked like Michael Jackson.

MJ remained a presence throughout my college years and in my opinion was at his peak during the Off The Wall period. He still embodied adequate masculinity appeal not to trigger emotional insecurities or discomfort within most male fans during this time. Something seemed to happen during the Thriller years through the Bad album debut. After the Bad promotion I felt no longer able to identify personally with MJ. Physically, I would have found it somewhat offensive to be compared. In retrospect, I believe this is the period when MJ began to transcend race and gender in a way never accomplished before. I was not pleased but over time became able to understand better and appreciate where he was trying to go.

I always felt bad for Michael when he was misperceived and misunderstood or when harsh jokes were made about him. It was quite a sacrifice to forfeit ones childhood in order to give to the world his gift of music and entertainment. Plus having to deal with the issues involved with family, friends, and socialization. I don't believe any of the hype about him molesting children. I believe he longed to be a child and could identify closely with the innocence and honesty possessed by children and pets. I understand how when a person reaches a certain status there is no where to go but down. The media is one instrument often involved in this process.

Joe Jackson commented that he wished most of all that Michael was alive to see the out pouring of emotion across the world since the news of his death broke. Often we don't recognize the true value of something until it is gone.

The HEADoc witnessed his SUV almost demolished by the unannounced falling of a dead tree. This led him to ponder the question of random coincidences versus fate. Thus far, fate is the winner. The HEADoc hopes that readers don't take these adventure stories the wrong way. They are intended to provide a humorous way of viewing human experience and realizing that we all have some short comings and don't always get things right on the first attempt. Most importantly, it is probably unhealthy not to have enough humility to laugh at oneself from time to time. Although, it is likely true that The HEADoc, by nature, from time to time does tend to push the limit a bit with certain situations. But that's what keeps life from becoming a bore. Right?

In the most recent episode, The HEADoc finds himself obsessed with the idea of digging a pond. Unsatisfied with recommendations and expense estimates provided from consulting a couple of individuals who own the equipment to make this happen, The HEADoc is besieged with the brilliant thought and plan of doing the job himself. He knew of a friend who does construction work for a living who would be able to lend a hand if necessary. He finds himself with a little time on his hands. And digging a pond isn't exactly rocket science. Right? So The HEADoc does his You Tube and Google research on mini excavator and bull dozer operation. He figures to be able to do most of the work in a day or two at most.

The HEADoc presents to Sun Belt Rentals requesting a Bull Dozer for 24 hours. He is informed that such items are no longer available for rent but perhaps a mini excavator might be more suitable. The following day The HEADoc finds himself in the cab of 11, 000 pounds of earth moving metal and rubber. The feeling of power associated with plucking 500 pounds of earth or slapping down a tree with the flick of a couple of joysticks was indescribably exhilarating. It seemed so simple. Why had he waited so long to do this? After several hours of digging like a mad man there were several substantial sized holes in the ground and accompanying mounds of dirt, but nothing remotely resembling the pond envisioned. That's when it began to set in that a monkey could be trained to dig holes but construction of a structure such as a pond requires a bit of knowledge and a lot of skill.

The HEADoc asked his friend Miles for some assistance with what to do about the large mounds of dirt and rock and how to proceed with the digging. He was able to lend a hand after his daily construction job. On day 2 a hose ruptured on the mini excavator and The HEADoc was doused with hydraulic fluid. Not so much fun anymore. The repairman arrived on day 3 at 8:00 am and things were rolling again. The pond was starting to fill from the constantly running spring, which was encouraging. The water caused some of the dirt next to the edge to become unstable. Around 1:30 pm The HEADoc found himself violently ejected from the cab while rotating the machine to dump a bucketload of wet dirt and the stabilizer blade beneath gave way on one side. He could barely believe he wasn't seriously hurt as hard as his head was slammed against the roof. The greatest fear and suspense was wondering if the $50,000 machine would slip further into the hole and be damaged before a tow truck arrived. 911 said they don't normally send tow trucks but they could send an ambulance or, heaven forbid, the Fire Department. 411 said they could only give out one number at a time for wrecker services. The number provided just happened to be out of service. Instead of calling 411 back for another number The HEADoc contacted his friend Miles who was there in just a few minutes and happened to have a neighbor who owns a heavy duty towing service. The machine was saved and ready for service within a few minutes. The HEADoc had had enough high tech excavating and sought out his hand shovel. After a day of rest he returned to the cab but was extra cautious. Never again would The HEADoc take lightly the amount of work and expertise required to construct a project such as a pond.

Where does the psychology enter the picture here? Why would a grown man of presumably sound mind devote so much effort toward a potentially dangerous endeavor, especially for one with no prior experience? Since childhood, going fishing was always near and dear to The HEADoc. Several times he recalls being run away from people's ponds for trespassing or denied access and dealing with the feelings of disappointment. He vowed to one day own his own pond, even if it killed him. When The HEADoc completed his residency training he was fortunate enough to purchase a home that had access to a pond just a few feet away. Still he did not own the pond so apparently that did not fulfill the dream. Maybe that helps interpret some of the madness. The pond, for the most part , has been completed and so far it looks like it will be beautiful. It should be completely filled in the next couple of weeks.

 Saturday marked the one year anniversary . . .

of The HEADoc downing the power lines and summoning the fire department for an afternoon of unplanned excitement. What could he come up with this year to top such a feat? The HEADoc actually just hoped for a quiet afternoon of piddling around the stream and newly developing garden area and an opportunity to become one with nature. Sometimes Mother Nature must get bored and have a need to have a little fun herself. At least that's the way it sometimes seems to happen.

The job for the day happened to be completing a small bridge across the stream which basically consisted of a large corrugated PVC pipe with large pieces of lumber on each side then filled in with dirt and debris. Not exactly an engineering wonder but just enough of a challenge for the novice landscaper. As the HEADoc positioned the dump cart to begin filling it with dirt a loud crackle was heard not too far away. He looked up to see a substantial sized dead tree of about fifty feet in length and 2 to 3 feet in girth beginning to break and fall. From the HEADoc's very clear point of view the tree was going to fall directly onto the top of his 4 Runner. Now this tree had probably been in existence for maybe 75 or 80 years. Why was it choosing this particular moment in time to unload its gravitational energy upon a vehicle that had never caused it any harm? There are 168 hours in a week. The HEADoc spends from 8 to 12 hours a week at his retreat. This had to be the worst of luck. Somewhere down a long list of things to do the HEADoc planned to cut down the tree properly but he figured it would stand tall for at least a few more years. This was not to be The HEADoc realized, as he screamed the words "Oh Hell" in terror and realized what was actually occurring. There was a surreal feeling as time seemed to almost halt for the next five seconds. In The HEADoc's mind there were flashing images of glass breaking and metal being crunched followed by thumbing a ride back up Highway 421. The HEADoc winced and prepared for the impact of May Disaster 2009. The tree missed the 4 Runner by about 3 feet or less as it crashed into the ground shattering into several fragments. Only a few small broken branches from the neighboring tree came to rest upon the roof of the vehicle. There was a sigh of relief followed by the sobering thought of just having stood in the very spot where the tree impacted just moments before. Was God or Mother Nature trying to communicate something to The HEADoc through this event or was it just a random coincident?

Different people may interpret such an occurrence in several different ways. The HEADoc, strangely to some, makes the interpretation that he was actually in tune with nature on that particular day. Were he not in tune the outcome could have easily been much different. Some people might say that one is an idiot to entertain such a thought and what happenedwas just one of infinite random coincidences. The HEADoc believes that everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences.

Being elated not to be without a vehicle and most importantly not to be struck dead by a massive piece of rotting wood, The HEADoc had a wonderful day in which to appreciate nature in its entirety. Everything seemed to take on a beauty not previously appreciated. The bull frog seemed to not show the reflexive fear and automatically retreat for cover. The birds would not stop singing. A monarch butterfly lit on The HEADoc's shirt and slowly flexed its wings for several moments. The mosquitoes did not bite nor did the bees sting. A rare orange salamander was a sight to behold. Tadpoles at all stages of development swam amidst the clear pools of water. The crayfish and occasional minnow blended in with ease. The deer could not be seen but the crumpling leaves gave them away. The closest creature to a snake seen this day was a lizard or two. The HEADoc deep within wanted to contact a snake in order to face his longstanding fear of a creature probably undeserving of such loathing and repulsion. Such a creature has somehow even permeated dreams that could have been less unpleasant. To conquer any fear it must be faced. The HEADoc will make a vow to allow any non poisonous species to live. That represents at least a degree of personal growth.

psychiatry

   I like to think happy thoughts and write happy thoughts. . .

For reasons I will not discuss that has been difficult to do lately. My life has entered a twighlight zone but I believe firmly in Nietche's law of that which does not kill us indeed makes us stronger. Over time it becomes apparent that this Quest 4 Sanity never really ends, though it can be ignored or cast aside. When I completed Evolution of a Psychiatrist Against the Odds in 2004, the story ended at a place of great challenge but also of hope. I could have never imagined the unfolding of the following years. In many ways unbelievably wonderful things have occurred in my world view as well as some extremely bad things.

After my last post I was hoping to try and forget about those people from a certain organization and was ready to start doing so until learning the real truth behind the motivation of my recent persecution. I cannot go into it but I found the undisclosed truth to be shocking and almost beyond belief. I have enough to begin a novel right now but I know it would not sell because few readers would find the plot believable. I want to think that I'm just narcissistic but the narcissist is usually incapable of insight to his own narcissism just as the psychotic individual is oblivious to his own delusions and views the voices he hears as reality. So I don't believe myself to suffer from character pathology or a psychotic process.

If any of this comes off as weird it's because it is weird, even to me. Every now and then I allow myself to free associate a little just to throw the reader off track. This journal is one of the few places I'm allowed to let some of my true thoughts flow. I'll only allow that, however, if I feel there might be a bit of entertainment value or educational value to what I write. Often I will remind a patient of why dreams are thought to be a necessary part of maintaining a healthy mind. Our dreams originate from the subconscious mind where the vast majority of all our thoughts are stored. That includes most of the thoughts and memories we would rather not be bothered with. The more those thoughts and memories are repressed and suppressed the more they want to breakthrough our psychological defenses and invade our conscious thought. Dreaming is one way this occurs and is believed to be one way of emptying some of the garbage from the subconscious mind. Dreaming gives us the opportunity to just go absolutely and undeniably insane for a brief period of time. By doing so in our sleep it becomes less likely certain impulses will be acted out in our waking life. I've heard that the crazier the dream, the more creative the dreamer. There are no rules in a dream. A good therapeutic dream usually will make little sense to a sane individual, though endless interpretations may be possible. Beware of one who claims not to dream.

On a more serious note, tonight I urge any person interested in the future of mental health care to write our Representative Verla Insko in the House of Representatives and urge her to vote against the upcoming N.C. Senate Bill 202 Appropriations Act of 2009. The way it was explained to me is that the Bill will limit the use of Non-generic psychiatric medications for many mentally ill patients. This is seen as a step in the wrong direction because it is not known if generic medications will work as effectively for certain mental conditions where there is data backing effective treatment with the name brand products. The motivation behind the Bill is to save money. I don't think risking the well being of mentally ill individuals is the place to start cutting the budget. I doubt many of those patients would want this if they were able to speak for themselves. Traditionally, they haven't always had advocacy and mental health is one of the first areas to be cut or eliminated when changes are made. I don't think this is what's best for our society. If interested, please email Rep Insko at verla.insko@ncleg.net

psychiatry

  I am forced out of Journal Posting retirement today. . .

I made an entry a few weeks ago and clicked save and it was lost into that black hole of no return. I took this as a sign to take a break, which I did. Alternative outlets to writing had become chopping down trees and digging holes. Since I do it just for fun maybe writing isn't so bad after all. At least it doesn't cause tendonitis and back pain. The real reason for today's post is to hopefully provide equal time for myself. I spoke with the local newspaper yesterday and was informed that they would again be publicizing my situation with the Board today. Since I know that rumors will again be widespread, I want there to be at least one place where people can find the truth from the horses mouth.

I met with the Board on March 20th for formal sentencing and to put some closure to my four year ordeal for choosing to prescribe pain medications without following all of their criteria for every patient. They really had very little to make any case to be taken seriously until the media became involved last June and they were able to get someone to come forward against me. They then blocked my DEA number to prescribe bupenorphrine and accused me of prescribing it without a license. I began to realize that the deck was stacked and it was time to cut my losses and do whatever they wanted. I was fortunate enough to have an attorney who understands the Board because of once working for them. I received some personal validation from learning of this attorney's views about their loss of focus and mission and the way they do business. The doctor receiving his consent order before me pitched a fit and raised a little hell but it didn't make one bit of difference. It probably just made them angry. I was humbled by the experience. I told them I valued my license, I found myself in a difficult situation for a while, and if I knew then what I knew now I would not be before them today.

The way it stands now my practice of psychiatry will not be affected at all. I will have six weeks active suspension of my license during the months of May and June. Personally, that isn't a bad thing because I haven't had a real vacation in many years. I made a plea about not likely being able to find coverage for the time I'm out. That plea fell on deaf ears. If the ER or Mental Health Center have a problem with this I guess they should take it up with them. My hands are tied.

Most of all, I don't want my patients put into another panic like last summer and think that I am going out of business or going to prison for some crime. In my opinion, this is mostly political. I detest the role I have been cast into but there is nothing I can do about it but play along. I am not completely innocent here but the situation has been blown out of proportion and attention has been distracted from what the true problems are. On a much more grand scale this type of thing happened when the establishment went after President Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal. In the mean time, matters leading up to 9/11 were ignored or placed on the back burner. I see several new patients a week who are abusing opioids that they did not get from me. I haven't written a prescription in over six months for an opioid. The action taken against me has not made one bit of difference with that problem other than making other physicians more certain to avoid prescribing opioids at all. Perhaps heroin will make a come back. I don't have any answers but I feel like I understand the magnitude of the drug abuse problem better than any bureaucrat in Raleigh. I tried to do my part. I was unsuccessful. I am through with it.

Dr. Alex Deluca, Pain Relief Network

psychiatry

   Maybe we can find more understanding and healing. . .

in regards to the elephant in the living room of the race issue. This thought came to mind when I read a comment on a site that questioned why the President is always referred to as African-American even though his mother was Caucasian. The rule in our society has always been that any person possessing one drop of Black blood makes them Black by default. Yes, that rule is absolutely ridiculous but that has been the understanding for the last 150 years. Maybe one day it will eventually change and race really won't be a significant factor.

Change begins where denial ends. Many hold a misunderstanding of what the distinct differences between prejudices and racism actually are. Everyone has certain prejudices, whether they share them with others or not. Most personal prejudices are relatively harmless and insignificant because they don't infringe upon rights or cause emotional pain for the target. The Black Panthers of the 60's and '70's were extremely prejudiced against the white race and the establishment but due to the limited social status they could never be classified as racists. On the other hand the Klan, for many years, possessed the power to break the law without fear of prosecution. The power to do so was based solely on the race of the target. Lingering wounds from the Civil War were at the root.

My personal heritage includes Native American, Irish, African, and who knows what else but I was always taught that I was a Colored Boy, then a Negro, then Black, and lately an African-American. In my family as a child the topic of race was never really discussed. There would be an acknowledgement of what color a person was and that was it. Everyone seemed to know the rules and accept their place. Fortunately, I came along when things were starting to change and opportunities were opening. I could have never settled for the status quo of the '60's.

Africans were the only group to enter America in shackles and chains. The only group stripped of their heritage and self esteem. It didn't kill us but eventually made us stronger. I think much of that is based on the law of survival of the fittest. It is in our genes to overcome adversity. In my view, the only true race is the human race. The Black race has always been about inclusion instead of exclusion which is a good thing for all. This journey remains incomplete. It will require continued leadership and cooperation from those who believe in what is right. It will require perseverance and keeping our eyes on the prize. Dr. Kings' Dream is probably the best mental illustration of the journey which ends when America lives up to the true meaning of its creed, that all men are created equal. All men, women, and children will stand together and sing in the words of that old Negro spiritual Free at Last, thank God Almighty we're free at last.

We need to pray for our new President. Pray that he will be the catalyst to help us complete Dr. Kings' Dream. I believe, as obviously many others do, that he is the right man for the job. Lincoln said that a house divided cannot stand. MLK said we must learn to live together as brothers or we will certainly perish as fools. The opportunity to move forward awaits us all. For those who love challenge, it is a great time to be alive.

        I've thought long and hard lately if I want to continue posting. . .

I feel mixed emotions for the most part. My soul searching of late has forced me to seriously ask myself if this journal serves a useful purpose any longer. I think my spirit just may have finally been broken or maybe I'm just suffering from a severe narcissistic injury. I don't think it is depression that I have been feeling but more of a loss of sense of purpose. Maybe this is part of entering the world of middle age. I hope it gets better with time.

As a teen, I learned to base much of my self worth on how accurately I could shoot a round ball through a hoop or how fast I could run from point A to point B on foot. I made much more of such things than my God given talent should have warranted. Will power can be an awesome thing. I have always thrived on accepting challenge. From an early age, I never saw regurgitating information taught in a classroom for a written exam as much of a challenge, and except for math it usually came easy for me when the motivation was there. In college I learned that doing so on a consistent and structurally organized basis could lead to earning a degree which actually had some value in making one's life better. Medical School was the ultimate challenge of my life. A challenge simply means either you beat me or I beat you, let's find out what happens. After making it through the basic sciences part of medical school it became less of a challenge and more of a destiny. Like many naive young future doctors I began to dream about making a real difference in the world one day. Somewhere between internship and the first few years of practice the reality begins to set in that being a doctor is really just another job. Yeah, your gross income goes up significantly but so do your responsibilities, expectations of others, and the number and amount of your bills and obligations. Nope, you will do very little to change the world as you once dreamed. But the world will likely do quite a number on changing you from the person you once were. I vowed I'd never change. That vow can be bad for your health. I can only speak from the perspective of a Psychiatrist since that is the only perspective I know.

Everything must change eventually. That is the only constant outside of truth. Change can be difficult. In the past few days I talked with patients struggling with great loss, from the young expectant mother who lost both twins late in the third trimester to the nurse who defeated severe major depression only to take up a battle against breast cancer to the woman attempting to understand why her husband left after 40 years of marriage. Their minister has no satisfactory answer for them and neither do I. Most of us can only believe that God is much too wise to make a mistake. Unearned suffering is redemptive, in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson whom Dr. King quoted on more than one occasion.

I think I've felt most passionately about attempting to treat people in deep pain and people who chose to cope with life through abusing chemical substances. I was close to several people in my younger years who suffered from an addiction. All of them are deceased now. Even with the best treatment an estimated 70% of those with a serious chemical dependency will die prematurely. On the bright side, roughly 30% will recover successfully if they sincerely choose to and are given the help they need. That is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned over time, to help those who would help themselves. I feel in my heart that it is my calling to do that.

I accept that The North Carolina Medical Board is not on my side. I accept losing that battle, as I must. In time they will have to see and understand more clearly the true nature of the problem of drug abuse in our society. They will see that their approach to the problem is close to synonymous with trying to stop violent crime by making guns illegal. In essence, only the bad guys would have guns. If all the doctors become too afraid to prescribe controlled drugs it won't stop addicts from using, and more and more drugs will enter the country illegally.

As far as continuing to post, I will just play it by ear for now. I want to develop a different format that isn't so personal. I'll entertain that thought for a while. Happy New Year to All!

   The procrastination shall stop here. . .

There has been a lot on my mind lately but little that I haven't written about before. In the past I have usually been inspired by things that tended to incite anger from deep within. I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I don't care to entertain thoughts and emotions about things for which I have little or no control over. My 50th birthday will come in three days despite the feelings of denial I have experienced. I just cannot believe that I am actually 50 years old. I remember quite well when I thought 28 was old. I remember how fast the past 20 years flew by and to think that should I live 20 more years I will be 70 years old when it happens again. I don't know if I can grow old gracefully. I suppose growing old does beat the alternative, however.

I'm quite pleased with the outcome of the election. Strangely, there is a part deep within myself that rings of grief. The cold reality that there really is a limit to how good things will ever get has started to set in. I think I realize for the first time that there really is no one to blame for the bad things that happen in life. I gave George Bush and Dick Cheney far too much credit in the past. The whole political arena is actually just an illusion enhanced by the mass media that helps influence one's world view but I'm starting to realize more clearly that the real power lay within the grass roots of society. That is what truly makes America have the potential to be the greatest civilization ever possible. Emphasis must be placed on the word potential, for that is quite the key word. There also exists a potential for America to fail. I feel we have surpassed that threshold but have exposed where we really are as a country. There is an enormous amount of work to be done both individually and collectively if true greatness ever becomes a reality.

I'm an idealist in my thinking.It took me years to stifle the competitiveness within my personality, even though I'm aware that I would have accomplished very little in life were it not for that very trait. I never became the professional athlete or actor that I dreamed of for years. That doesn't really matter. What is important is that America gave me the opportunity to have those dreams. Without such dreams I probably would have never become The HEADoc. The problem with the competiveness is that one can never reach a point where one is truly satisfied and in harmony. There always has to be more. Someone must always win and there must be a loser. Thank God I no longer think that way. It really has been a process of adapting. Adapting to diminishing physical limitations over time and compensating through other means. I know that if I could regenerate my 18 year old body and keep the wisdom gained over time, I would somehow figure out a way to have been successful in a professional sport or as an actor. But... after achieving such an accomplishment I truly believe that I would have regrets about not knowing whether or not I could have become a doctor. There still would have been a lack of total satisfaction because the accomplishment would have been achieved through competing instead of being a gift and a natural calling. It took some competing (and luck) to get into and out of Med School but becoming a Psychiatrist was totally by choice. I believe it to be my true calling.

So what is the point I'm trying to make here??? Maybe it is that our free will in an atmosphere of freedom is an awesome thing. Each day I exert great effort in hopes of shining some light on the source of the emotional pain that brought a given patient into my office. I know that if the individual can ever gain the insight to understand some of why they feel the hurt it then becomes possible for them to move beyond it. One prototype is the sexually abused child who is betrayed in the worst possible way by an adult who was charged with the responsibility of protecting and nurturing. After repeated assaults that child understands on a gut level that something is terribly wrong and seeks protection from another adult where there still remains some trust. More often than not, that adult may not be up to the task and either blames the child or refuses to believe the child's story. Thus the child is emotionally traumatized again and perhaps scarred for life. Who in this world can this child trust? From their young and restricted point of view they conclude that no one can be trusted. That child then retreats within themself and develops whatever coping mechanisms that will allow them to survive, or in many cases to self destruct over time. Another prototype that really bothers me is the case of the dead beat dad. I see no excuse for such behavior. The only thing a child cannot forgive a parent for is voluntary abandonment. This is so difficult because it forces that child to question and explore themselves for answers that do not exist. Such a child may conclude subconsciously and erroneously that he left me because I am defective or I am bad or was not worthy. A child without a healthy self esteem has little chance of success and happiness. Children, by nature,  have no means of expressing frustrations and emotions other than acting them out. A child who is hurt and angry may know only one recourse, to make others feel the same as them. Often that other person is their single mother who already has issues from the disappointing relationship with the child's father. Those closest to us are capable of causing the deepest pain.

The free will exercized in a dangerous manner by the adult examples mentioned above is capable of catastrophic emotional damage to the most innocent of victims. It is extremely difficult for a victim to break free from the bondage created by such situations. I suppose my work sometimes causes me to feel that hypocrisy is pervasive throughout our society. We often pretend that certain atrocities within our culture don't really exist or they may be minimized or dismissed as though fictitious. We tend to only acknowledge what we are fed through the media and accept that as an accurate portrayal of our social reality. Unfortunately, the media is limited in the ability to reflect an accurate and precise reality of human life. This too happens concerning the problem of drug addiction. Those higher up are charged with protecting the metaphorical child. In reality, they essentially look the other way or allow our attention to be diverted as literally tons of poison are dumped on our streets. An occasional bust or arrest is publicized to reassure the public that the war on drugs is being fought and progress is being made. It is total B.S. in reality. There is absolutely no intention of ever winning a war on drugs. That is what really hurts me most about the way I have been treated by the State Medical Board and the local media. I know the real truth so it doesn't really matter how they choose to portray me. I know that it all is political in nature. I understand on a street level how their approach is ultimately part of the problem and not the solution. The unfortunate irony and cold reality of the big picture is that there is a need for misery in our society, due to its profitability and economical importance. There is a need for prisons. There is a need for crime. Could you really imagine a world without those things? What would all the lawyers, judges, and prison guards do? Bush vowed to stamp out evil in the world at one point and was greatly criticized. I don't think he was altogether wrong with the idea. I think we just need to start at home.