Sandy Spadaro

What is Stealth Communication?

Sandy — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:58:55 +0000

Effective communication should be unencumbered by bullshit or games or difficult temperaments, as so many personality types have a tendency to exercise. It should be a clean, crisp and direct message that cuts right to the point. Wasting time and effort on “fluff” may make for a great English Lit assignment submission, but it’s not going to serve toward getting your intended message to the receiver in today’s world of Attention Deficit Disorder sufferers, whether you’re writing it or speaking it.

Where do I get the correlation between “communication” and “stealth”?

By Wiki’s definition, the word stealth is a noun meaning;

the attribute or characteristic of acting in secrecy

“Stealth-like” communication, much like an arrow would cut right through the air in one straight path to its directive, is the practice of getting directly to the point with your message. In fact, the word stealth itself eludes to a sense of “no-nonsense” as if it creeps up on you and before you realize it. You want the person you’re speaking with to get your message without seeing it coming, without anticipating what they THINK you’re going to say, and without formulating a response in their mind before your sentence is out of your mouth. In other words, without all the crap that gets in the way of them understanding what you really meant to say.

Stealth also means;

2. in such a way that the actions are unnoticed or difficult to detect by others

They say that in order to achieve any great change or improvement, practice is the best strategy to making something become a habit. As with any learned or improved skill, getting better at communication involves the practicing of new techniques. Using power-phrasing, diffusing difficult people and finding new ways of painting a verbal picture all help people to understand you better… but the extra effort you put into turning these skills into habits should not be what people notice. The only thing people should notice is that they “get you”, right away, every time.

Additionally, [...and here's my favorite concept about communication...] The word “stealth” itself is such a juxtaposition of terminology in the sense that it’s a word typically used to describe very aggressive or testosterone-driven endeavors. I think the idea of using it to describe a woman who is unafraid of being strong and powerful is just delicious….equaling the concept of using “assertive” (female) communication techniques rather than aggressive (male) ones.

What does “Stealth Communication” mean to you?

Has Book Reviewing Become a Female Dominated Industry?

Sandy — Sun, 30 May 2010 19:15:06 +0000

So I’m at the book blogging convention at the Javits Center in Manhattan Friday (which had immediately followed the Book Expo America) and made an interesting observation. As I sat, hour after hour and session after informative session, I’d look around and see that, at any given moment, there were no more than 5 men in a room packed with attendees. As the day progressed, it became evident that 2 of those men were there to be speakers/panelists, while 2 more of them were event sponsors.

Hmmmmm….

From what I learned, being a Book Reviewer in an online world is an often thankless, arduous job, yet droves of people embrace the activity every day, whether it’s a paid gig or not. What can this tell us about the industry of blogs that review books and the commitment with which women have embraced the opportunity? A few things came to mind;

Women are natural communicators. Their interest in sharing opinions is innate and driven.
Women are compassionate. Countless comments were made about being direct, but sparing negativity in the review process.
Women are multi-taskers. They live life with a voice from inside that screams, “Sure I can fit this into a day ‘cuz I want really to”, when that day is already jam packed with other essential crap to do.
Women are pioneers motivated by passion. For the majority of attendees & speakers, the love of books (not money) is the sole reason for becoming the next big literary critic.

Consequently, as I sat for lunch, the lone author at a table crammed with professional women from book industry giants like Random House, Osprey Publishing and Penguin Books, these observations only became more evident. Discussions revolved around the love of the task itself and the commonality with which each individual pours herself into her work. Inevitably, cards were exchanged and future business connections made, but not until the conversation’s end. The graceful way that women perform these acts of connection-making is more a stealthily executed afterthought than it is a WIIFM (what’s in it for me) format. The exchange of thoughts & feelings comes first, business is a natural outcome. You go girls.

Not for nuthin’, but I was the first person to sit down at an empty table for lunch – the others who joined me afterward were totally unsolicited…or were they? Mental note, write a post about ‘The Power of Intention‘.

So I pose the question…has this viral movement of online book reviewing been claimed by literary femme fatale contributors? Or were the men simply at home with the pets & kids this week?

8 Ways to Communicate with Difficult People

Sandy — Sun, 16 May 2010 02:36:38 +0000

It’s pertinent to consider why certain people have a toxic effect on our relationships, both personal and professional. But the bottom line is that no matter the reason for behaving in a difficult manner, there are various ways to pacify a difficult situation.

Doctors of psychology suggest that we can salvage difficult relationships by learning about each other through perceptiveness, control of emotion and direct communication. Easier said than done? In the event that you don’t have time for therapy, try the following ideas for controlling your own environment and diffusing difficult situations:

Don’t mirror body language. Contrary to popular belief, you shouldn’t copy or mimic each person you converse with. Should you encounter someone behaving in an aggressive or antagonistic way, you’re better off diffusing the situation by maintaining a more calm and under control demeanor.

Never embarrass anyone – Take them aside. Nothing comes off as more aggressive or thoughtless than embarrassing someone, especially in front of others; you give the impression of being insensitive and unable to negotiate. If you must confront or address an issue directly, take someone aside and do it in a mutually respectful neutral location so as to foster common ground.

Actively Problem Solving keeps you thinking of finding a solution rather than the problem itself, diverting the mind into acting creatively rather than angrily. This tactic also allows you to shine as the respectful concerned one, the team player. This will serve to disarm the difficult person and provide you enough time to gain control.

Ask permission to take notes. In the worst of awkward or seemingly hopeless situations it may make sense to document the conversation “for the record”. After all, imagine the effect on your verbal sparing partner when you announce that you find their information so important that you’ll be writing it down…and by the way, what is their name and employee#? People tend to become more careful with the way they argue, threaten or instigate when they fear having to explain their behavior, or worse…having proof of it.

Watch your body messaging – Don’t move into personal space to prove an adamant point. If you tend to let stance and mannerisms (inclusive of the hands) take control when you speak, be sure to control what your action says. An aggressive form of communication can turn into a negotiation faux pas.

Use a mediator. Whether at the office or sitting around a table of friends, asking for an unbiased opinion from a third party not only assists in squelching an impasse, but forces both parties to step outside of emotion and into a compromise.

Plan your day to limit negative people. It’s about taking control of your schedule, not the difficult people. While it’s true that you likely can’t avoid Monday morning’s meeting with your boss, it might be wise, when and if you can control it, NOT to schedule lunch with your bag-o’downers-best-buddy on the same day. Limit your exposure to difficult people in a short timeframe, wherever you can since lengthy exposure to negativity threatens the survival of your positive attitude.

Above all, show respect. Listen. There is no better diffuser of difficult traits than being heard and feeling understood. Most heated situations and strained relationships stem from the lack of an open connection. By human instinct, once we are “heard” we are less defensive and can better focus on the issue at hand.

Clearly not all situations will be caused by a lack of communication or solved by diffusing difficult or toxic types. It’s our responsibility to remember four essential tidbits of knowledge; Don’t take it personally, Remember that you ARE good at your job/life, accept that you will never please everyone, and be responsible for your own actions.

Whose Contagious Emotions Are Making You Sick?

Sandy — Fri, 14 May 2010 03:37:20 +0000

Emotions are a funny thing. They’re highly contagious entities that can truly make or break the success or enjoyment of each day. Your brain is in constant observation mode, taking in information and creating the reactions that lead to ongoing communications with the people around you. Negative emotions are one of the largest predators of effective communication. While it’s natural to mirror the emotions or attitudes of those around you, it takes a conscious effort and awareness to avoid letting them drag you down.

Do you have one of those friends or siblings that (bless his/her heart) is just the biggest bag ’o downers you know? You’re not alone. They manage to catch you at the wrong time, place or mood. You know they’re gonna ramble on and on about all the terrible things happening in their lives, though they’ll never do anything to change them. Even if you’d previously been having an ace of a day, you finish that conversation and feel… SICK. That’s Emotional Contagion.

What about the folks that are consistently accusatory, paranoid or downright mean? That stuff tends to wear off on those in close proximity. Much as viruses travel swiftly and without control, toxic emotions (and the people that bring them) have the ability to pass along their negativity. Interactions with these folks leave us with the emotions they experience, whether exhausted, angry, depressed or frustrated. Once focus is compromised, so is the communication or negotiation at hand.

The good news is that by becoming more aware of the emotional contagions around you, you can control your own reactions and limit the negative stimuli. Relying on direct, concise statements and unwavering decisions will keep your messages on track, regardless of the toxins that make you sick.

Are You Listening to Me?

Sandy — Sun, 02 May 2010 19:17:48 +0000

Are You Listening?

Strengthening your skills in listening is the foundation for ensuring that you “get” the exact message people are communicating to you.

Listening involves taking the responsibility to actively participate in receiving and “decoding” information you receive and is just as important, if not moreso, than delivering the information.

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. In order to effectively LISTEN, you need to be open to provoking the stuff they want to share with you. Consider asking the WIIFM (What’s in it for me) questions…

What are the challenges you’re facing?
What is the most important thing to YOU about this project?
What would be your most desired outcome?
How can we both help make this work for you?
Tell me about why you reacted that way?

Gaining insight to someone else’s point of view, whether at home or in the boardroom, can create your ammunition and strategy for the positive outcome you both seek.

Some more tips on getting the most out of your conversations:

Avoid competing for response time. Don’t focus on getting a turn to speak, but rather on understanding where the other person is coming from.
Always ask for clarification when you do not understand what has been said. Take the responsibility for not understanding – never blame a mis-communication on someone else’s ability to send the message correctly.
Be on the lookout for the opportunity to gauge & assess body language and non-verbal cues. These are clues to better understanding where someone’s coming from.
Don’t jump into the conversation if someone briefly pauses for effect; make sure they have finished communicating their point before you comment on it.
Try minimizing how often you interrupt by saying “Oh me too!”. While this does create a connection with the speaker, if done too frequently it may also be seen as an attempt to turn the focus back to you.

Do you use your two ears and one mouth accordingly, as the old adage says?

The Conversations in Our Head

Sandy — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 21:52:49 +0000

“Nothing was ever so unfamiliar and startling to me as my own thoughts.”

~ Henry David Thoreau

The brain is on a constant mission to process the information going IN and coming OUT in order to communicate any given message at any given time. Not only do we need to remember that intended messages become lost in translation between recipients but that some of our confusions come directly from the thoughts running ramped through our own heads!

Let’s take the example of someone offering a simple compliment. In the moments before our mouth opens and we form a response, the following thoughts might course through the brain;

What a fake…I knew I couldn’t trust that guy!
They’ve gotta be fishing for a return compliment…
I bet she’s buttering me up because reports are due today!
I’ll just blow this off…poking fun of myself could be seen as humility.

And so on, and so on.

What with all this converging and provocative internal dialogue, it’s a wonder we ever finally mutter “Thank You”, truly the only response necessary after a compliment. To understand how we can better communicate with others, we should first identify our own communication delays and roadblocks. After all, how is anyone expected to comprehend us, when our very own messages are uncertain, ambivalent or unclear?

How often does your internal dialogue force you to fudge an appropriate response?

Try these 4 Tips on squelching internal dialogue;

Listen to the WORDS someone has said, not the TONE. Do not assume added meaning.
Reply ONLY to what someone has said to you, not to what you think they may have meant.
Leave judgment out of what you hear. You don’t need to AGREE with what someone has said in order to reply.
When your brain says, “Huh????”, admit to the lack of understanding. Ask them to REPEAT the message.

Communication Breakdown

Sandy — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:24:08 +0000

The Theory of Communication states that the cycle of expressing and understanding a message occurs at four intervals;

Encoding occurs when the sender determines how to send a message.
The sender then conveys the message either verbally or nonverbally.
Decoding occurs when the receiver interprets and determines its meaning.
The response in which the receiver reacts to the sender happens last.

Social psychologists estimate that there is usually a 40-60% loss of message meaning between sender and receiver. Can you imagine? That means that about half the time we think we’re being clear with our messaging, someone else doesn’t agree. According to the steps above, there are four different places within the communication process where a misstep or a ‘break’ occurs. It’s a wonder any of us are able to converse at all!

How many times have you screamed in frustration because someone JUST DIDN’T GET what you were saying?