stark. raving. mad. mommy.

Pissed-Off Parents Take to Social Media to Fight the 'War on Public Education'

2012-05-22T08:08:00.000-05:00

What happens when you piss off parents by effecting the wholesale slaughter of a school district's arts education program?

Used to be they'd have a bake sale. Now they take to social media.

In my district, Upper Darby School District, over 12,000 parents have come together on Facebook and have launched a massive social media campaign to take back public education after a budget was proposed that would eliminate 64 staff positions in what the school board called an "academic realignment."

What's an "academic realignment"? It's what you call it when it's illegal to furlough teachers for economic reasons in your state, but it is legal to furlough teachers for curriculum reasons. It's what you call it when you eliminate separate classes for art, music, physical education, and library from the elementary schools, and foreign language and technology from the middle schools.

Help us. Sign the petition at Change.org.

Because obviously, with the epidemic of childhood obesity in this country, it makes sense to cut PE. Because obviously, in a global economy, it makes sense to cut foreign language and technology. Because obviously, in a district where the median household income is $44,000, you want to take away music, art, and library, where we teach children productive ways to express themselves instead of violence.

Oh, wait. Nope, that makes no sense at all. What the hell?

There are a lot of reasons we're facing these cuts. The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, under Governor Tom Corbett, has slashed nearly one billion dollars in funding to public schools. Our district pays for students to attend charter schools, none of which are even in our district. The state no longer reimburses us for that.

Congress has mandated on a federal level that all children deserve a free and appropriate education, including those with special education needs. God knows my children are utilizing the hell out of that. But the federal government has cut back what it gives districts to help educate those special needs students.

We're still trying to change our school board's mind, though. In a school board meeting that lasted almost seven hours, 1,200 members of the community came out to voice their opposition. I was so immensely proud of our diverse, smart, well-spoken community. I learned a lot at that meeting. For example, I learned that while our school board cries that charter schools are bleeding us dry, two of our school board members, one of whom is our school board president, have taken campaign money from Charter School Management, Inc., the largest charter school company in the state. Gov. Corbett has taken tens of thousands of dollars in campaign money from that company and its CEO.

Say what? Yeah. I knew the privatization of schools was rife with corruption, but seeing it trickle down to my town is heartbreaking.

I learned that the only member of the school board to vote no on this proposal is running for State Representative this fall. (Yeah, he's the other one who took campaign money from CSMI.)

I learned that I need to go to more school board meetings.

Please help us take back public education, and put pressure on Gov. Corbett to restore funding to public schools. Please share our video, and sign and share our petition. You do not need to be a resident of our town to sign. It's free. It takes like 30 seconds.

Thanks.

A Mother's Day Round-Up for My Sister

2012-05-11T15:16:00.001-05:00

This weekend is Mother's Day. For my beautiful sister, it's her first Mother's Day as a mom. She's very visibly pregnant, due in July.

She and her husband are going to be amazing parents; they're already an amazing aunt and uncle to my four kids, and their three cousins.

While my sister hasn't given birth yet, she is now "officially" a mom, because she's already experienced the very special joy that is Being Judged. This week some asshat neighbor made her cry by yelling "No Coke! No Coke! Bad for Baby!" at her, as my already-hormonal sister carried her one Diet Coke of the day to work.

Ah, the irrelevant judgment of an irrelevant person. Welcome to motherhood! You are now one of us, my dear! Also, now you know why so many moms adore that Cee Lo Green song.

To celebrate your official induction (get it?) into motherhood, I give you these:

Words of wisdom from my pal who writes Pregnant Chicken. Her posts about artificial sweeteners, diet soda, and caffeine will re-assure you and also make you pee laughing. Of course, I realize that with a baby kicking your bladder all day, it doesn't take much. But really, anyone who writes like this:

A safe average daily intake has been set at around 20 cans of aspartame-sweetened beverage or about 100 sachets of tabletop sweetener for a 150lb (70 kg ) person and that is considered conservative. "Can I interest you in a bathtub of Fresca, Madam?"

or this:

I think every pregnant woman should be issued a large metal shovel to silence these advice people but, back to caffeine.

should be part of any pregnant mom's daily reading.

Helpful advice from Rebekah at Being Pregnant, who just wrote up 6 Ways to Make Life With a Newborn Easier. See, asshat neighbor? THIS is how you offer suggestions.

Knowledge that motherhood is not a competition and not everyone is going to judge you. Rants from Mommyland is busy packing up Mother's Day gifts for mothers in domestic violence shelters right this very minute. That's the kind of awesomeness moms create. And Lydia posted this photo of herself, which just goes to show you how fun motherhood is going to be.

Lydia's toddler put these stickers on her without Lydia really noticing.
And then she walked around town like this.

Speaking of awkward photos, we should totally start planning right now some awkward sister/cousin photos to submit to Awkward Family Photos. In the mean time, here's Happy (Awkward) Mother's Day! so we can get some ideas and start shopping for matching awkward outfits for ourselves and our kids. I'm thinking maybe something like this:

We can so rock the hats-and-gloves look.

Revenge. The only way to deal with your Judgey McJudgeypants neighbor is to just freak her the hell out at every turn. Some suggestions: you should start leaving the house with a 12-pack of Diet Coke every morning, wave to your neighbor and explain that the caffeine is really helping you wean off the meth.

Take a big swig and mention that without the Coke, the Captain Morgan really tastes like crap.

Then rub your belly and announce happily, "BABY LOVES COKE!"

Then, when the baby comes, we'll walk around with these:

"But I am breastfeeding. I pumped and this is what came out."

Also, I'm thinking that newborn-size poopy diapers, when rolled and taped, might be the exact same circumference of your neighbor's car's tailpipe.

An alternate idea is that I can fly out and kick your neighbor in the taco for making you cry. What else are big sisters for?

Laughter. Of course, you can ignore my ideas and just giggle over the Live Tweets from a Mother's Day Brunch post by Noa Gavin on NickMom. I'm still chuckling over the #Iwinatmothersday hashtag. (Oh yeah, if you want to read my stuff on NickMom, I also had Top 9 Gifts I Gave My Mom That I Would Never Want, and Top 9 Mother's Day TV Specials I'd Like to See.)

Happy Mother's Day, sis.

And happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there who read my nonsense. For one day, may your children not bicker, may no one get a stomach virus, and may someone else change all the diapers.

xoxo

APA Seeks Final Feedback From Public for DSM-5

2012-05-07T09:20:00.002-05:00

Quick and important: The American Psychiatric Association is seeking final input on the drafted changes to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

The public can give feedback on the changes from now until June 15.

The proposed changes to the autism diagnosis have been covered significantly by the media, but several other disorders will also be affected by upcoming changes to diagnostic criteria. These include major depression, anxiety, ADHD, and a bunch more that will be of interest to parents. Or at least they were way interesting to me, given the alphabet soup of diagnoses in our house.

I have the full story, including which diagnoses are being tweaked, and how to give your feedback to the APA, over on Strollerderby.

Weekly Ketchup: The Good, The Bad, and The Awesome

2012-05-04T09:45:00.000-05:00

[Note: comments and contest are now closed. Erin (commenter #4) won the copy of Asperkids!]

Here's what I was doing while I wasn't here:

On NickMom, Nickelodeon's humor site for moms (although dads will find it funny, too):

I Wish I Could Be Like ... June Cleaver. Because June Cleaver could communicate things like “You must be out of your damn mind” with just a look, yet she never actually lost her sh*t with her kids, plus six more reasons I want to be just like her.

Mom's Guide to Saving the Planet: Lazy Is The New Green. Turning your housekeeping and parenting fails into eco-friendly wins is all a matter of perspective. Being a slacker has never been trendier!

Top 9 Ways to Get Ready for Your Kids' Sports Season. Pro tip: no such thing as too much Febreze. When I posted this one to my Facebook, someone informed me that Febreze is bad for us and full of toxic chemicals. Turns out I [heart] toxic chemicals. I mean, without Febreze and Diet Coke, I wouldn't even be able to create the illusion that I have my act together.

Overheard: My Kids' Smart-Ass Responses to Dora. I can't believe Nickelodeon lets me writes this stuff.

Also, don't forget to check our mom-funny take on the news headlines, Take 5, Monday through Friday at 6 p.m. Eastern!

On Strollerderby, Babble.com's parenting news site:

Wounded Veterans Denied Autism Treatment for Children. What. The. Hell.

Dad Forces 'Disrespectful' Teen to Wear Sign as Punishment for School Suspension. This is a really interesting story, because it looks like this is becoming something of a trend. Is public humiliation a good method of discipline? I asked parents of teenagers, educators, and a counselor to weigh in.

The Mother Pucker Project: Bloggers Create a Better Mother's Day. My ridiculous interview with Rants from Mommyland's "Lydia" (also known as writer Julie Miner) about RFML's amazing Mother's Day project. I am so proud to know the women behind this effort, which will bring love and acknowledgment to those who might not otherwise get it on Mother's Day, including moms in rural Papua New Guinea.

AGAIN?? School Workers Caught on Tape Assaulting Special Needs Student. If you're keeping track, this is the fifth story like this I've covered in six weeks. I asked why this keeps happening, and it was pointed out to me that this has always been happening; it's just that now we have the technology to catch it. And then I threw up. Something must be done about abuse and bullying of special needs students, particularly nonverbal kids who can't tell their parents what's going on. I don't know what the solution is, but I aim to find out.

Schools Selling Naming Rights? Let Me Help! A school district in Newton, Mass. is considering selling naming rights for some of its buildings. Given the sorry state of my school district, I've abandoned any concerns I have about commercializing public schools. Once you get over the horrendous tackiness of it, the possibilities seem endless!

Here on SRMM, I've been given an award! A cool one! Asperkids.com, a website and book by author Jennifer Cook O'Toole, has made me the first national winner of the Asperkids Seal of Awesomeness. In Jennifer's words:

stark. raving. mad. mommy. is irreverant, in-your-face and "ab fab" (as we used to say back in the day). Hers is a blog about the "hilarious insanity" that is the life of all of us who love our (not always super easy to parent) Asperkids. Through her articles and wit, she empowers Asperkids and encourages the adults who by their sides.

I am totally blushing. Or maybe I'm just flushed from too much coffee. Not sure. Anyway, I am beyond honored.

Can I tell you why this means so much to me? Jennifer is not just a parent to three kids with Asperger, she's also a special needs teacher. And, most importantly, she herself has Asperger, giving her completely unique and invaluable insight. Her book, Asperkids, truly is an insider's guide to loving, teaching, and understanding children with Asperger Syndrom. See my review of Asperkids on Strollerderby for more about the book.

And you know what else? The winner of my give-away on Strollerderby of a copy of Asperkids never emailed me to claim her prize. Too bad, so sad for her, right? But good for you! So, if you've read this far and YOU want to enter to win your very own copy of Asperkids, leave a comment on this post!

'It's About Dignity': Dad Goes Public With Audio of Son Being Bullied By Teacher, Aides

2012-04-24T09:52:00.001-05:00

I don't usually double-post things to Strollerderby and my blog, but this story is important, and word needs to get out. As parents and as human beings, we simply cannot tolerate bullying by educators.

When single dad Stuart Chaifetz started getting reports that his son Akian was being violent in school, he knew something was wrong. Akian, a 10-year-old boy with autism, had always been very gentle. After six months of meetings with school staff with no change in Akian’s behavior, this Cherry Hill, NJ dad made a decision. One morning, he slipped a digital audio recording device in his son’s pocket, and sent him to school.

He was shocked by what he heard.

Over the course of six and a half hours of audio tape, Akian’s teacher and classroom aides can be heard discussing their use of alcohol, joking about lying to parents, colluding to thwart the child’s Individualized Education Program (IEP), complaining about their husbands, and making fun of students.

In one particularly crushing clip, a teacher calls Akian “a bastard” after making him cry.

For my interview with Stuart Chaifetz, his eloquent video, and a petition asking New Jersey lawmakers to enact "zero tolerance" legislation for teachers who bully, click here to see my post on Strollerderby.

After you read it? Please share it. And sign the petition.

Because as Mr. Chaifetz said to me,

“The guilt here is not just the actions taken, but the inaction by people who could have done something. If you watch someone get bullied and do nothing, you’re just as guilty.”

This is not the parent you're looking for.

2012-04-22T08:34:00.001-05:00

Work from home? Blog? Just want a couple of minutes to stare at the wall? I have something for you.

I made this handy sign to put on my bedroom door so I could get some writing done, because apparently my kids can't remember the whole "let's pretend Mommy's not even here" concept. As soon as I made it I realized I had to share it with you.

Of course, I've got plenty of writer friends who are dads, so they might need this:

And then I realized that this could be even more useful:

Because of course you can't just say that Mommy and Daddy are busy. Because then they'll totally want to know, busy with what. Although you could explain exactly what kind of busy you are, and they'll be so freaked out they'll never come in your room again, which would also be a win. (This is, in fact, how I finally got my older two to stop asking to sleep in our bed.)

We Will Never Lose Our Marbles Because They All Have Names

2012-04-10T08:23:00.000-05:00

One of the common bonds of many autistic kids is the sheer joy they take in lining things up. From the time Little Dude could wrap his chubby baby fingers around a rubber ducky, he made them face the same way. Little cars had to all be "parked" before we could even consider leaving the house.

Now, lots of kids like doing this. In a disorderly world, organizing things gives you at least the impression of order. When I was a kid, one of my favorite activities was alphabetizing the spice cabinet. (Foreshadowing my word-nerdiness.) The difference here is that, as a neurotypical kid, I wasn't compelled to do this. I could leave the house and not worry that the cinnamon had somehow scooched behind the cloves.

All four of my kids -- the two with Asperger and the two who are (apparently) neurotypical -- really enjoy lining things up. Cookie, while not on the spectrum, has a lot of anxiety, and organizing things definitely soothes her. The Peanut Butter Kid, also not on the spectrum, is pretty much willing to do anything her big sisters are doing, so she's also game for lining stuff up.

But Little Dude and the Pork Lo Maniac? Excel at this. Looking back, I see all kinds of things in the Pork Lo Maniac's history that are Asperger-y. Her official diagnosis wasn't until she was 10, but, yeah, it was there all along. (Hindsight is 20-20, isn't it?)

A while back, in a post presciently called "Not So Neurotypical," I showed you some photos of our Littlest Pet Shop critters lined up. And named. And with gifts for each other. And holiday cards. That handwriting is all the Pork Lo Maniac. She will hyperfocus on that kind of activity for hours.

This past weekend, the Easter Bunny happened to bring Little Dude a bag of marbles, which were promptly employed in sliding down the ramp in our plastic Little Tykes car garage.

Then, because obviously, the Pork Lo Maniac started naming the marbles. Which led to the marbles needing to be labeled. With their names. And ages. And when a list needed to be made keeping track of all the marbles different personalities, Cookie was right on top of that. Because lists are her raison d'etre.

An entire afternoon later, all 44 marbles were ready for "school." The big shooter marble, Mrs. Marble, is the principal. The kids got up early and got dressed for school quickly this morning so they would have time to play with Jeff, Keke, Carlos, and the rest of the gang.

Each marble is labeled with its name and age.
Also, I really want you to know that my carpet is not actually sparkly. I swear that's just the flash.

Each of the 44 marbles was given at least two descriptors, plus a favorite thing.

So yeah. This is totally normal, at least in our house. On top of the Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, and anxiety, the PLM was also officially diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder recently, and frankly I'll take the lining up of toys any day over her more disturbing and self-injurious behaviors. In fact, maybe I'll just buy her more little things to name and line up.

Yes, we're working on addressing the stress and anxiety that triggers the OCD, but the reality is she needs replacement activities. So far, besides lining up and naming stuff, she likes plucking/pulling activities, like with those kneadable artist's erasers. Because of the ADHD, we have fidget toys out the wazoo, but we need repetitive actions for her hands, I think. Bear in mind that she does struggle with fine motor skills, so knitting and crochet are out, unfortunately.

What do your kids like to line up? If your or your kiddos have OCD behaviors, what kind of safe/healthy/productive activities have you come up with to replace the troubling ones?

Taking all suggestions!

SRMM Goes to China (Kind Of)

2012-04-04T12:42:00.000-05:00

Do any of you guys remember when I got the best email in the whole history of ever? A young woman with an autism spectrum disorder wrote to me to tell me to keep on keepin' on with what I was doing, because her parents made her the success that she is. For the sake of her privacy, I refer to her on my blog as "Kim."

I just wanted you (and by extension, the other moms with non-neurotypical kids) to know that we can be successful.
We can go to college and live away from home.We can go backpacking.We can ace tests.We can write 20 page papers and turn them in on time.We can play sports. (Just usually not the ones involving tackling or balls.)We can learn to talk to people.We can make friends.
What you're doing makes a difference in the lives of your children.

(Her full letter is here.)

Kim and I have kept in touch. She's been incredibly helpful and supportive throughout the one-year course of the Pork Lo Maniac's Asperger evaluation and diagnosis. As a small thank-you, I sent her a stark. raving. mad. mommy. mug.

These days, Kim is travelling the world--literally. And because she is unbelievably awesome, and she knows of the Pork Lo Maniac's love of all things Asian, she took the mug with her to Central Asia.

She emailed me these photos of the SRMM mug on the Great Wall of China, for me to share with the Pork Lo Maniac. She also said I could share them here.

In return, the Pork Lo Maniac sent Kim this photo of her favorite Lego person, next to some miniature pork lo mein made out of Play-Doh:

The PLM also sent Kim a photo of herself up in a tree. Tree-climbing is kind of her thing, and she's awesome at it. Last week, some "popular" girls made a comment about it being "creepy" that she was up in a tree on the playground after school. Kim told the PLM that it was probably because they were jealous that the PLM was cool enough the climb a tree, and they aren't. She also told the PLM that the popular girl who tormented her in school was later kicked out of her sorority in college.

Today's just one of those days where I'm super-grateful for all the wonderful people this blog has brought me in touch with.

Kim's brilliant, heartfelt and brutally honest blog is Diary of a Non-Neurotypical.

Moms Give Us an Inside Look at Autism and Elopement

2012-04-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

Ian, safe at home.

The wandering started when Ian was three years old. He slipped out of the house in the middle of the night, in 40 degree weather, in the rain.

“Luckily, we woke up because the dog started whining. We found him, naked, on the swing set,” said Marj Hatzell, Ian’s mom. Ian, who has an Autism Spectrum Disorder and is non-verbal, is now a well-known escape artist in his neighborhood.

When you hear the word elopement, you probably think of weddings in Vegas. But to parents of autistic kids, it means something entirely different: escaping, wandering, running away. Although no formal data exists, a 2007 informal online survey showed that 92 percent of parents of autistic children said their child had a tendency to wander. But “tendency to wander” does not describe the experience of a number of parents whose kids frequently escape from home or school.

Despite living in homes likened to Fort Knox, replete with alarms, gates, multiple keyed locks and deadbolts, these kids escape. And disappear. There are parents who live with terror, every day, that in the time it takes to go to the bathroom, their child will go missing. This stress takes immense toll on parents.

“It is literally the most stressful thing I’ve ever endured in my life,” said Ms. Hatzell.

Please read the rest of Marj's story, and the amazing technology that's bringing her some peace of mind, at Strollerderby.

Happy Autism Awareness Month!

2012-04-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

Ah, April. Time to tweak everyone's allergy medicines, work on next year's IEP, and celebrate Autism Awareness Month.

After being told for the zillionth time that my kids don't "look autistic," I asked you guys to send me photos so I could make a video of what autism really looks like.

You guys totally delivered. I received photos from adults with autism, and parents of kids on the spectrum. And all of these photos are beautiful and amazing.

Here's the final cut. I hope I didn't miss anyone. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing these photos of your families. I hope this spreads even a tiny bit of awareness of what autism really looks like.

I would especially like to thank The Eli Story for graciously allowing me to use their song Titles We Hold for the video! You can check out their website, like them on Facebook, and find their music on iTunes! (On iTunes, search for "The Eli Story.") They have a new album out this month, and if you're in the Chicago area, they're playing at the March of Dimes Walk at Grant Park on April 29.

Um, yeah. How much do I love a band with the tagline "Quirky. Nerdy. Fun."?

The Eli Story, in superhero mode.

Weekly Ketchup (updated): Important Autism News and Random Interwebz Nonsense

2012-03-30T07:47:00.001-05:00

Here's what I've been up to over the last week:

Today on NickMom I have "Top 9 Things I Expect to Hear While Watching the Kids Choice Awards."

I also contribute to the daily "Take 5" spin on the news. My favorite story of the week was the cringe-inducing video of Alicia Silverstone chewing her son's food for him, and then feeding him mouth-to-mouth.

For Redbook magazine's Mamarama, I wrote 6 Spring Activities for the Non-Sporty Family. As you guys know, our major sport here is Therapy. Pretty sure my kids are going to letter in it this year.

For Strollerderby, I covered a couple of important autism- and education-related stories:

The CDC released new numbers reflecting the current rate of autism diagnoses, and it's now at 1 in 88, up from 1 in 110 in 2006. During that time, the rate of autism diagnoses in children in my house went from 0 in 4 to 2 in 4.

A study out of the Kennedy Krieger Institute shows that autistic kids face three times the bullying of their typically-developing siblings. The study is particularly helpful in that it details where, when, why, and how these kids are being bullied, and looks at a variety of educational settings. Regardless of your child's placement, it's really important information to share with your school.

Speaking of bullying, a horrible new Facebook app now allows users to add "enemies." I almost didn't cover it, because I'm loathe to give this thing the publicity, but I think it's yet another thing parents need to be aware of in monitoring their kids' Internet usage.

YouTube's VenusAngelic is
laughing her way to the
bank (in a very high-pitched
girly giggle, I assume).

In random Internet weirdness, I also covered:

A story of a 15-year-old London girl who makes insanely successful YouTube tutorials on how to make yourself look like a doll. It's really cool except for the girl's "doll" voice. Go ahead and check it out, then let me know exactly how many seconds you could watch it before wanting to throw your laptop out the window.

My take on Alicia Silverstone's vegan, pre-chewed breakfast with her baby: I'll Just Have Coffee and a Bagel, Thanks.

I also have a post about principals cracking down on risque prom wear, with some extremely specific examples given by actual high schools. Take home message: do not model your prom look on "Dancing With The Stars." I'm feeling rather grateful that the craziest thing going on at my prom was the extreme overuse of hair spray.

On the lighter side, I also created a slideshow (demonstrating my mad skillz with MS Paint) of my predictions 24 Children's Books That Scream Out for Product Placement. Because now that the Lorax is shilling SUVs for Mazda, I'm pretty sure we'll be seeing some of these soon.

Check my slideshow at Strollerderby. And yes, David Beckham does make a fine Captain Underpants.

Weekly Ketchup: Fine, it's more like monthly ketchup. Whatever.

2012-03-23T09:09:00.000-05:00

I'm a little overwhelmed with writing projects right now, so I haven't been very good about posting here on SRMM, or even updating with links to my other stuff.

But here's some of what I've been doing for the last few weeks:

For the motherfunny site NickMom, I had:

Nanny Application: Ke$ha. So. Much. Glitter.
I Wish I Could Be Like: Jane Jetson. Two words: robot maid.
Nanny Application: Darth Vader. This is the nanny you're looking for.
Your Guide to Facebook Moms: Foodie Mom. Shut up about the spiced kale chips, already.

For Redbook's Mamarama blog, I ranted about:

Disturbing and ironic use of The Lorax to shill SUVs for Mazda (IT'S LIKE RAAIIIN...)
Parental Peer Pressure: A Game I Cannot Win (Unlike Lego Harry Potter 2, at which I am kicking ass.)

Over on Strollerderby, Babble.com's parenting news site, here were my favorite posts of the last few weeks:
Nutjobs Rail Against Non-Existent Trans Darth Vader Character. OMG, this is the story bloggers dream of. It has it all: Darth Vader, RuPaul, and a really nutty conservative family values group that doesn't seem to edit or proof their news releases. But they do have mad skillz with PhotoShop, apparently, and created this:

I swear to God, I can't make this stuff up. And thanks to the Florida Family Association, I don't have to!

6 Internet Trends to Skip and 6 to Keep Doing. Did you know that breading cats is a thing?

24 Etsy Toys You Can Never Un-See. It seems the fine artists at Etsy have been watching a tad too much Toy Story.

In more serious news, I covered the following stories:

Autism: A discredited British autism study doctor had his medical license reinstated.

Special Education: A teacher's aide was caught on tape assaulting a 12-year-old nonverbal autistic girl.

Women's History Month: 10 Things We Can Thank Feminists for, and 10 Things We Still Need to Work on

On SRMM
Here in my own world, in case you missed it, the Pork Lo Maniac was finally diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. Also, it's not too late to submit a photo for my autism awareness video project!

Hey, Want to Help With an Autism Awareness Project?

2012-03-07T09:34:00.000-06:00

One of the blog posts I wrote during last year's Autism Awareness Month was one called But He Doesn't *Look* Disabled. I've gotten this comment, in one form or another, several times. Usually what people say is "but he doesn't look autistic."

I have a pretty good idea of what people think autism looks like.

This:

And this:

Maybe this?

If they happen to watch Parenthood, this:

I like the last one the best. But of course, Max Burkholder, who plays Max Braverman on NBC's Parenthood, is an actor. A fabulous actor, but an actor. He does not have Asperger Syndrome, his character does.

Autism looks like my son and my daughter. It looks like your child. It looks like you. So I'm going to make a video for Autism Awareness Month featuring photos of actual kids and adults with Autism Spectrum Disorders.

Perhaps a video like this will stop even a few people from saying "but he doesn't look autistic." And in turn maybe I will stop me wanting to scream THAT'S BECAUSE HE IS NOT MOTHERF**KING RAIN MAN.

Ahem. Excuse me.

Yes, back to the video. The video will be similar in format to my Thank You From a Special Needs Mom video, but will hopefully include lots and lots of photos of people with autism.

I'd love for you to send me a photo of your autistic loved one (or yourself) to include. It can be a family photo, or just a photo of the individual with autism. Whatever you want.

Legal Stuff:

By submitting a photo to the stark. raving. mad. mommy. Autism Awareness Project for April 2012, you are allowing me to use the photo in a slideshow video, which will be put onto YouTube.
No names, ages, or locations will be used in the slideshow. That's to protect your privacy but also because it would take me too freaking long to insert all that info.
No compensation will be provided for the use of the photo, unless you think that having a warm, fuzzy feeling inside is compensation. Then there will be lots.

I'm hoping this video does even a small part to raise awareness that autism is all around us, and knows no boundaries.

To Submit a Photo: Email your digital photo to Photos@starkravingmadmommy.com. Please try not to send me giant files that will take me forever to download onto my craptastic laptop. Smaller-size photos/files will be just dandy.

The Last Potty Post

2012-03-06T12:38:00.000-06:00

Image credit: Brickshelf.com

Tomorrow, Little Dude turns six. At some point, I probably won't be able to call him Little Dude any more, but I'm still taller than him, so for now the nickname sticks. However, as he's getting older, my need to protect his privacy increases.

I believe that it's important to write about the unique issues associated with parenting a special needs child: both the challenges and the rewards. And know I from the comments on my posts, the comments on my Facebook page, and from the emails I get, that when I write about the long, slow potty-training process, it makes other parents feel less alone.

So know this: we are still working on it. Little Dude has made amazing strides in this department, but we are in no way completely there. But I won't be writing about it any more.

But no one understands more than me what a major issue potty-training is. Even with typical kids, it consumes your life. It tests your patience. With special needs kids, there are several extra layers of emotional, social, psychological, and physical factors on top of that. Nothing breaks your heart like a kid on the playground spotting the top of your child's Pull-Up, and hearing that child ask, "Why are you wearing a diaper?"

On the other hand, one of the most important things I've realized over the last four years of banging my head against this particular brick wall, is that it's also not that big a deal. It's important, yes. If your kid is at all capable of someday mastering this, keep plugging away, my friends. But know that this is not the be-all and end-all of your child's development. You will find ways to tuck the tops of those Pull-Ups down so they don't peek out of the tops of the jeans. You can buy loose-fit pants and longer shirts to protect your child from other people's opinions. Remember all the things your child can do, and how hard he or she worked to gain those skills.

For my final Potty Party post, I'll share what hasn't worked for us, what has worked, and what's working right now.

What hasn't worked:
Forcing him to sit on the toilet when he doesn't want to. No duh, right? Except there was a point when I tried that because I thought that's what might work. Only thing it produced was tears from both of us.

Working on a deadline. Little Dude's body really doesn't care when the first day of preschool might be, or the first day of summer camp, or whatever. Does. Not. Care.

Reading to him while he's on the potty. This actually was helpful a little bit in the very beginning, when we were just trying to get him used to sitting on the potty. But it turns out he can't listen to a story and use the toilet at the same time. Just too much going on there.

Letting him play with a Lego guy while he's on the potty. Again, too much going on. He spins Lego guys in his fingers as a stim. When he stims, he pretty much tenses up every muscle in his body. So he simply cannot void if he's holding a Lego guy. We tried it, because we thought the Lego guy would be comforting, but no. So the Lego guys come with us, and stand on the windowsill to keep him company.

50 points to Gryffindor if you can come up with
a magic spell to get my kid to poop on the potty.

What has worked:

Praise. While Little Dude doesn't talk about the potty business outside the family, he's comfortable sharing his successes with his sisters. When he's successful, he gets high-fives from everyone.

Sticker Poster. It's not a chart. There are no particular goals. It's just a poster to put a sticker on. We tried doing goals, but it just put too much pressure on Little Dude, and it backfired. So it's just a place to collect stickers. The reason this was helpful initially was that when his daddy got home from work, Little Dude could show him any new stickers he's earned, and then get a whole fresh round of praise.

Candy. Just like when I potty-trained the other three kids, Little Dude is rewarded with a very small sweet treat for going potty. Initially, he would get a treat for trying. Sometimes I will give him a lollipop just to get him to sit there on the toilet.

A Metric F-Ton of Patience. Once I accepted that this was going to be a really, reeeeeally slow process, things got better. The successes come in smaller, more incremental steps. When the girls potty-trained, it was like this: they learned to pee on the potty. They learned to poop on the potty. They learned to stay dry at night. End of story. It doesn't work that way for Little Dude. A step for Little Dude might be pooping in a Pull-Up in the bathroom. And then it might be to sit on the potty for five minutes, and then get a Pull-Up. Mastering a step like that is just as deserving of praise and reward as any other mastery along the way.

Making it a family project. Speaking of high-fives from everyone, one thing that has worked with all my kids during potty-training is that whenever the potty-training kid goes potty, everyone gets a treat (a Skittle or whatever). Because then it's not just me asking all the time, "do you need to go potty?" Instead, all the other little people in the house are like, "don't you want to go potty? 'Cause I really want a Starburst."

Another way we're making it a family project is that all the kids have something they're "working on." Whether it's learning new expressions, using relaxation techniques, or taking deep breaths when needed, all the kids earn points for using and practicing new skills. When you get five points, you get to pick something out of the Prize Box, which is essentially a box o' crap from Oriental Trading, the dollar store, and Five Below. That way, everyone's working on something, everyone's earning prizes, and no one is jealous that one kid is getting potty prizes.

What's currently working:

More patience. Little Dude will get there. It's just a longer process for him. I've gotten to a pretty Zen state about it. I have been potty training someone, often more than one person, without stop, for the better part of a decade. It is what it is.

Out and out bribery. You can call it a reward system if that makes you feel better. The key to bribery is finding out what really motivates your kid. What finally got Little Dude to pee on the potty is that he got a Lego guy every single time he peed. Yeah. It was an expensive week. But now we've moved on, and he doesn't need that amazing a prize for peeing. Now he gets a point to apply to the Prize Box.

Pooping is a whole different story. With his sensory and motor planning issues, that's been a huge hurdle. I finally found that a separate box of prizes -- small Lego sets -- is what motivated him to poop. I had to buy the sets in advance because another key to bribery is that the reward must be immediate. Super-expensive strategy? Yes. Still cheaper than Pull-Ups? Also yes. When the Absent-Minded Professor lost his job, we had to stop that practice. And Little Dude pretty much stopped pooping. I finally caved and bought some smaller (but still special prizes) and am hoping to get him back on track. It's an investment.

The thing about bribery is that it's not like he'll need a special prize every time he poops for the rest of his life. It's a short-lived thing; it's just to get over that initial hurdle.

Oh, and how much is our reward system actually like bribery? At one point we were literally paying him to go potty. There's a twist, though. His school was doing a penny drive for Pennies for Peace, a charity that raises money for school supplies for children in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Little Dude wanted to bring in more pennies, so we let him earn them by going potty. He gave all the pennies he earned to the charity.

* * * * *

So there you are. The last potty post. Remember: you are not alone. When your kid gets so big that the potty seat is too small, you are not alone. When some jackass makes a comment about your kid getting a little "too big" for Pull-Ups, you are not alone. When your mother-in-law or aunt or whoever tells you that in Her Day, all the children were potty-trained at 13 months or whatever, you are not alone.

When you can't find a preschool. When you have to explain to the school nurse. When you have the conversation for the trillionth time with your pediatrician. When someone says "well, it's not like he's going to graduate high school in Pull-Ups," and you're like, um, he might.

When you've been potty-training so long that you get rid of the board books about potty-training because your kid can read chapter books now.

When you just want to cry. When you just want to scream, "just poop already!"

Nope. You're not alone. You are not the only parent struggling with this.

xoxo,
SRMM

If you want to read about how freaking long it's taken us to get to even this point, you can start from the beginning:

S**t Ignorant People Say to Autistics

2012-02-23T09:24:00.000-06:00

I die.

I thought I had had enough of this meme. And then this morning I saw this brilliant video.

The video was created by StimNation, an independent social media collaborative. You can (and should) follow StimNation on YouTube, and on Facebook.

I cannot wait for more from this group. Also, I couldn't possibly love this video (or the girl in it) any more.

Enjoy.

Autism 2.0: Siblings on the Spectrum

2012-02-21T07:38:00.000-06:00

Photo credit: Suat Eman

My 10-year-old daughter, the amazing and awesome Pork Lo Maniac, has been officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.

The process of requesting her evaluation, being evaluated by the school district and then by a private psychiatrist, and developing an education plan for her, has taken almost a full year. And we're still not done.

We're not done with the evaluations; a follow-up Occupational Therapy eval is scheduled for sensory issues, fine motor delay, and motor planning deficit. We're not done with the IEP. We're not done hashing out the details, like whether an FBA (Functional Behavioral Analysis, which in this case would help identify anxiety triggers, for example) is appropriate. Or details like exactly what kinds of therapies she needs, and will receive. Important stuff.

We are fortunate. The Pork Lo Maniac's teachers are amazing, and have been going above and beyond the call (and above and beyond the accommodations in her 504 Plan for ADHD) all year long. The school social worker got her into a social skills group before the evaluation was even complete. And the principal, who is in fact a God Among Educators, has backed our entire family 100 percent.

We are fortunate. We already know a lot about Asperger. We've spent the last two years navigating the world of special education and the remarkable quantity of acronyms associated with special needs.

We've also spent the last two years praising Little Dude's awesomeness, and crediting his Asperger as a huge part of what makes him the awesome Little Dude he is. We talk daily about how we are each unique, and how everyone in our family has things they struggle with, as well as things that come easily to them. We talk about the benefits of ADHD (hyperfocusing for the win) and the benefits of Asperger (narrow, focused interest for the win) all. the. time.

We talk about how we don't want to fix Little Dude, but rather to help him find the world less stressful.

So we're going into this in a completely different way than we were when Little Dude was diagnosed at age four.

But it's still hard. No matter how well-prepared you think you are to hear the diagnosis, there's a certain amount of soul-crushing pain that comes along with hearing "your child has autism." There just is.

One thing I can't emphasize enough is the thorough nature of her evaluation. The careful decisions made by multiple clinicians. The vast amount of input taken from not just her parents, but from her teachers and even her Girl Scout troop leader. The observations: in-home, in-school, and in a clinical setting with a "novel peer."

It was thorough. And the diagnosis is accurate. We have known in our hearts and in our guts, for nearly a year, that the Pork Lo Maniac has Asperger. She has been a part of the process all along. She wanted this evaluation. She wanted an understanding of how her mind works, and to know that she isn't "stupid" or "a monster," as she was growing to believe.

So right now, the overarching feeling is one of relief. Our daughter is relieved to know that there is a reason for her social difficulties. A reason she feels like the rest of us are speaking a different language. A reason she sometimes needs to shut out the world. And also, a reason for her consuming passion for all things Chinese, which has lead to her teaching herself Mandarin.

As parents, we have relief that the evaluation process is coming to a close, and we're going to be able to support our daughter in a way we couldn't without the diagnosis. We're going to receive parent training on better ways for us to help her with her meltdowns. She's going to get more support in school, and hopefully, a greater measure of understanding from everyone in her life.

One of the most challenging parts of this situation right now is helping her siblings process this, and in particular, the Pork Lo Maniac's twin sister, Cookie. Over the last year, we've had to entirely shift the way we parent the PLM, and Cookie has had to, in many ways, shift her thinking about her twin. The diagnosis ultimately helps Cookie understand her twin more. But as a twin, there are ways in which this impacts her, in which it can never impact anyone else.

I'll write more about our epiphany about the PLM's Asperger Syndrome, and about the process of her evaluation, soon. It's common for girls to be diagnosed later than boys, and it's important to look at why that is, and how autism, especially in its higher-functioning forms, manifests in girls.

In the mean time, I leave you with this: as I said in a recent post on Strollerderby, anyone who thinks the autism or Asperger diagnosis is being handed out like candy, can suck it, suck it, suck it.

I created the above image for a post on Strollerderby:
Asperger's Is Over-Diagnosed? You Try Getting Your Kid Evaluated

Things That Cannot Be Unseen

2012-02-16T23:01:00.000-06:00

This:

I have nothing to add.

(Photo Credit: Anderson Cooper)

Weekly Ketchup: I'm Losing My Mind

2012-02-15T09:08:00.001-06:00

I've been so busy over the last couple of weeks, I haven't even done a round-up of my other nonsense to post here.

Besides putting on my cowgirl boots and heading to a metric f-ton of IEP meetings, here's where I've been for the last couple of weeks or so:

Motherfunny Stuff on NickMom:
A quick infographic on how Valentine's Day changes after you have kids.

A pie chart of what's on my 10-year-old daughter's mind right this very minute. You'll note that "remembering homework assignment book" doesn't get much priority there.

In our ongoing series "I Wish I Could Be Like," I explained why I wish I could be like any of the so-called Real Housewives. For starters, they never seem to have to clean a toilet.

I also had The Top 9 Lies I Have Told My Children. Because frankly if I didn't have lying and bribery to fall back on, I don't know how I'd get anything done.

And possibly my favorite project I have ever worked on, I wrote the script for a short NickMom video, starring the hilarious Calise Hawkins and Carolyn Castiglia.

Check out Memos from Your Class Moms: Platonic Friendship Day, right here!

Memos From Your Class Parents - Platonic Friendship Day
Get More: Memos From Your Class Parents - Platonic Friendship Day

One of my friends told me that his daughter's class celebrated "Compassion Day" instead of Valentine's Day this year. Neat. I hope for his sake, that means that his kid didn't bring home the Halloween-like quantity of candy that my kids did.

Funny Stuff / Serious Stuff on Strollerderby for Babble.com:

Hotness + humor =
Awareness WIN.

For Valentine's Day, I made you a slideshow of the best "Hey Girl" images for moms from the insanely popular Ryan Gosling internet meme. I was going to glue some macaroni to construction paper, but then I figured you already had enough of that, probably.

I had a small rant about how sick I am of headlines that say "Autism Linked to.." because most people don't read the whole story, they just read the headlines. And I get tired of people asking me if I saw that X now causes autism.

Two posts that I'm particularly proud of were timed for Feeding Tube Awareness Week. I had one post that focused on moms with kids who are tube fed, and another that highlighted the unstoppable nature of these amazing, inspiring and yet ordinary kids. Check out What If You Child Couldn't Eat? and Unstoppable, Inspiring, and Completely Ordinary: Amazing Photos of Tube-Fed Kids.

Oh! And I also had this rant saying that people who think the Asperger diagnosis is handed out like candy can suck it, suck it, suck it.

Random Stuff on Mamarama for Redbook Magazine:
They asked me to write about my worst mommy meltdown. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I couldn't pick just one, but I did manage to narrow it down to a Top Ten.

Also, following the vulture-like news coverage of Whitney Houston's death, and the fawning over Chris Brown's "triumphant return" to the Grammys, I wrote about Talking to My Kids About Fame and (Mis)Fortune.

If I Could Have One Super Power

2012-02-06T13:40:00.000-06:00

Redbook Magazine's blog, Mamarama, asked me if I could have one mom super power, what would it be? The answer was easy: to be able to take away my kids' anxiety.

"Now I'm a Superhero" by Natalie Dee. Available in unbelievably awesome t-shirt format. I think the t-shirts would make a really awesome photo shoot for the stark. raving. mad. family, don't you? Maybe for our next Christmas card.

Head on over to Mamarama to read my post, and let me know what your superpower would be!

Weekly Ketchup: All Kinds of Ranting, Devious Ways to Keep Your Kid Busy, and Toddlers and Tiaras Craziness

2012-01-27T16:48:00.001-06:00

For those of us here in Autism World, it's an exciting / freaky time, what with the possible changes to the autism diagnostic criteria in the Fifth Edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Mental Disorders (DSM-V). The New York Times successfully freaked us all out with a study about how those changes might impact people with autism, but after a cold hard look at the proposed changes, I (and several other people) are calling bulls**t on that study.

In my opinion, the DSM-V criteria may actually be more inclusive. See my post at Strollerderby on Why I'm Not Freaking Out About the New Autism Diagnosis Changes.

I mentioned this on my Facebook page, but in case you missed it, I happened to have a meeting this week with a psychiatrist and a special education coordinator for our school district. I asked about what would happen to kids with existing PDD-NOS diagnoses, and Asperger diagnoses, for example. I was told that all of those people would now just be re-classified as "Autism Spectrum Disorder." At least in our district, no one will lose educational services, which are supposed to be based on need, not diagnosis, anyway. I know that's just one district, but it's positive, so I thought I'd share it.

All that being said, there's no denying it's all very, very worrying to parents of kids with autism, and adults on the spectrum, too. In an effort to explain to the rest of the world why we're all so worried about the proposed changes to the autism criteria in the DSM-V, I ran What Happens If You Lose Your Autism Diagnosis? on Redbook.

(Image courtesy of NickMom.)

Also related to autism, I wrote an update about the Caring for Military Kids With Autism Act (HR-2288) for Strollerderby, Situation for Military Kids With Autism Is Shameful. I went a little bonkers over this, so if you're in the mood for a really good rant, check it out. There is a Congressional briefing on Tuesday to educate legislators about some of the barriers and difficulties faced by military families trying to get help for their kids. Seriously, we owe these families better. I called my Congressperson and told him so, and he's sending a staffer to the briefing.

In funnier stuff, over at NickMom, I had:

Games for Kids With Cabin Fever
Top 9 Responses to Unsolicited Parenting Advice
I Wish I Could Be Like ... Estelle Costanza. Because you know you miss Seinfeld.
Also, I contributed to NickMom's daily Take 5, which gives you the motherfunny take on the day's news.

I also came up with a brilliant Etsy
business idea: crocheted merkins!
You could call it CrotchCrochet.
You're welcome.

And, of course, right here we all got to learn about the latest in merkin fashion with Merkins: Because Untamed Va-Jay-Jays Are So 2010. You know, as much as I don't like to judge what kind of crazy s**t people do in their bedrooms, I'm going to go ahead and say that ripping out all of your pubic hair, to replace it with someone else's hair, and paying over $200 for this, is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

OMG, wait! I almost forgot! I also had a thing over on Strollerderby about a Toddlers & Tiaras mom suing several media outlets for sexualizing her five-year-old daughters. Obviously, being on Toddlers & Tiaras wouldn't have done that in the first place, right? And it certainly didn't happen when she let her daughter be videotaped singing LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It." For more on that special brand of crazy, see Toddlers and Tiaras Mom Sues Media For 'Sexualizing' 5-Year-Old.

Merkins: Because Untamed Va-Jay-Jays Are So 2010

2012-01-25T08:40:00.001-06:00

Way back in 2010, I wrote a post called My Weekend Shopping: Vodka, Enemas, and Untamed Va-Jay-Jays, which brought you, among other things, the news that Brazilian bikini waxes were so old school that it was now totally rad to leave some of your pubic hair alone. (Certainly not all of it, or anything.) That post also detailed some of the other popular crotch trends of 2010, including vajazzling and not using the word "vagina" on the cover of Cosmo.

So imagine my delight when a helpful reader named Susan brought to my attention the following headline from TMZ: 'NY Housewives' Star Cindy Barshop: 'The Merkin Biz is Booming!'

First of all, you know any fashion trend brought to you by TMZ is going to be full-on awesome. Secondly, the word merkin is enough to send me into fits of giggles.

Merkin. Merkin. Snicker.

A merkin, for those who don't know, is a pubic hair wig. A toupee, if you will, for your crotch. According to Wikipedia (thank God SOPA is dead, right?):

The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origin of the pubic wig to the 1450s. Women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.

Well, that's hot.

So, according to TMZ, there is now a trend for women to have all of their pubic hair waxed off (ouch) and then replaced with fake pubic hair.

Oh, but not just any hair. I did some research on this, y'all. The best ones are made with human hair. Sometimes it's dyed fun colors and sometimes it's left, um, "natural." Because it's totally natural to glue someone else's hair to your crotch.

"Real" Housewife Cindy Barshop, who owns some kind of waxing/vajazzling/merkin shop, says that the newest merkin trends are fur and feathers.

"Carnivale Bikini," for the Vegas Showgirl
in you. (Image: Completely Bare.)

Let me just say that again: According to Ms. Barshop, people willingly shell out $195 to have all their pubic hair ripped out and replaced with feathers. This is called the "Carnivale." She also offers the "Foxy Bikini," starting at $225, in which pubic hair is replaced with glued-on fox fur. The fox fur is available in several different colors.

Because you really want to add more crazy to this story, enter PETA. Huffington Post reports that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have unsurprisingly slammed the trend. What is surprising, however, is their use of obscenity in their statement. They chose language so foul that I don't even use that word, and I swear like a drunken sailor.

"Foxy Bikini," described by Gawker as "nightmare porno
from the id of Dr. Seuss." (Image: Completely Bare.)

But back to the merkins. I'm sure you immediately have all kinds of questions, just like I did. Happily, I've already researched the topic, to save you from getting your computer all infected with viruses that are surely found on the websites I've been to in the last 24 hours. Here's a summary of my research:

You glue the things on with something called "spirit gum." Spirit gum is waterproof, but I'm guessing the feathers and fox fur are not. Sadly, Cindy Barshop's website does not offer any advice on care and maintenance of the merkin. I'm sure your local dry cleaner has more information on the proper way to clean and store all your fine merkins.

Spirit gum comes off with spirit gum remover (sold separately). That sounds painful, but once you've had all your pubic hair ripped out, maybe nothing else hurts in comparison.

There is an unfortunately-named designer of expensive and really beautiful handbags named Lauren Merkin. If I had $200 to blow, I'd totally spend it on a Merkin clutch rather than a Barshop crotch-wig. Added bonus: I'd be able to say things at the next PTO meeting like "have you seen my new Merkin? It's snakeskin."

Tip: If you get bored with gluing your merkin to your va-jay-jay, you can always use it as fake chest hair or a fake goatee. Top that, Hints from Heloise.

Etsy has a really disappointing selection of merkins. I was hoping for all kinds of crazy-ass crocheted nonsense. And there was like, one thing made out of felt that looked like a preschool art project. So for those of you who are crafty: there's a big business opportunity for ya. You're welcome.

If you were going to craft your own Merkin, I'd like to recommend Martha Stewart's line of "glitter eyelash" yarn from Lion Brands. Martha is totally affordable and always tasteful. Plus, then you could advertise on Etsy as selling exclusive Martha Stewart merkins. You might not even get sued!

Martha Stewart Yarn 'n' Omnimedia: For all your merkin needs.
(Image: Lion Brand Yarn.)

I normally don't like to be too judgmental with people's pubic hair; I mean, if you want to have all your hair ripped out, go nuts. However, I am going to go ahead and say this: if you're spending $225 to have all your pubic hair ripped out, and then replaced with pink fox fur, you might have too much time and money on your hands. You could totally DIY this at home for like, 1/50th the cost.

Weekly Ketchup: Kidney Transplant, Porn for Preggos, and Mommy Apps

2012-01-20T16:42:00.000-06:00

Here's what I did and where I was this week:

Here on SRMM, I had Not Enough Ketchup in the World: 12 Foodie Trends for 2012, which clearly demonstrates why I'm not a food blogger.

At Strollerderby, my week was dominated by the story of Amelia Rivera, a three-year-old New Jersey girl with Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome. Her mom, Chrissy Rivera, says that Amelia has been denied a kidney transplant by my beloved Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, solely because Amelia is cognitively impaired. My original story is here, a second update is here. If you've been following along the whole time, you probably just need my latest installment, which corrects some mis-information that's out there about Amelia's story, and lists some big names that have thrown their support behind her cause.

If you're moved by Amelia's story, please consider signing the change.org petition asking CHOP to reconsider its transplant decision. If you're not already an organ donor, you can register with your state at organdonor.gov.

Amelia Rivera (family photo).

To balance out the sadness of Amelia's story, I also ran

6 Hilarious Eye-Candy Photos for Pregnant Women, although you really don't have to be pregnant to enjoy them,
If I Were Paid for My Homemaking Abilities, I'd Be Broke, in which I explain why no one would pay me for the half-assed job I do at keeping house, and
Should You Break Up With Your Pediatrician? featuring Heinz Doofenshmirtz as our first pediatrician.

Over at Redbook's blog, I had a post called 8 Mommy Apps I'd Actually Pay For (my favorite idea being iNap).

I didn't have any big posts for NickMom this week, except that I contribute to NickMom's daily "Take 5" column that gives you a motherfunny look at the daily headlines. My fave this week was from Thursday, because who doesn't enjoy a good serial killer joke?

By the way, there was a post over at NickMom that I didn't write, but I think is hilarious: A Guide to Your Fellow Facebook Moms: The Oversharing Mom by Margaret Ables.

Finally, thank you to everyone who has emailed me their concerns about the New York Times report about the new proposed changes to the DSM-V diagnostic criteria for autism. I'll have something on that in the next day or so. I'm still processing the trauma of reading them. I was so kind of okay with the original proposed changes (which I reviewed her last January) but I'm pretty horrified by the new proposed changes.

Not Enough Ketchup in the World: 12 Foodie Trends for 2012

2012-01-17T08:46:00.000-06:00

All the media outlets are abuzz with their predictions for 2012, and one of the favorite things to write about seems to be food trends. For those of you who don't know, "food trends" are things that excite people who don't have to make the same dinner every night for their picky, OCD-ish kids.

Here are twelve of the most insane food predictions for 2012, and why they will or won't work for my family. They're probably also twelve reasons I'm not a food blogger, but whatever.

Image: Quick

1. Black Food

Several sources cite black food as being a major 2012 food trend, and we’re not talking about squid ink pasta. We’re talking about “health water” that’s black (because that certainly doesn’t remind me of the Plague). It’s even come to the mainstream (if anything European can be considered mainstream) at the European fast food chain Quick, which presents the Dark Vador Burger. I guess misspelling Vader is also trendy. My family is dying for these things to come to the U.S. I’m on board too, because I don’t need much of a reason not to cook.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

2. Squirrel Meat

CNN reports that squirrel meat may be a food trend for 2012, because it’s ecologically sound. Well, sure. I mean, there are about 20 of those obnoxious little bastards in my backyard right now. As a mom, all I can say is that this is an excellent way to mess with your kids.

“Mom, what’s for dinner?”

“Squirrel nuggets.”

“Fine, I will never complain about your cooking being boring again.”

“WINNING.”

Image: I have mad MSPaint skillz, yo.

3. So, therefore ... Black Squirrel?

OMG! We have a black squirrel in our backyard, too. We call him Darth Squirrel. I bet if I mash up the squirrel trend and the black foods trend, I could be on Top Chef. Remember, people: black squirrel. You heard it hear first.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

4. Creepy “Odd Bits” Cuts of Meat

Good Housekeeping enthusiastically proclaims “odd bits” of meat to be a trend for 2012. “Tongue, gizzards, pigs' ears, tripe, chicken livers, beef heart, pork belly, lamb neck, oxtails! Yes!” Um, no. As hard as this economy is hitting my family, I’d rather just eat spaghetti again, thanks.

Image: Simon Howden

5. Blood

The James Beard Foundation giddily sees blood pancakes, blood cups, sauces thickened with blood, and chocolate -blood ice cream in our future for 2012. You know what? I don’t care how much your tweens love Twilight or how much you love ~~soft core porn~~ True Blood. That's just nasty.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

6. Toadfish

Fox News, always an arbiter of ~~even-handed reporting~~ good taste, predicts that over-fishing of traditional choices will lead us to find some more exotic fish for dinner. Among them: paiche, fugu, and toadfish. My plan: after some whole toadfish shows up at our table a couple times, my kids will be all over the salmon they're rejecting now.

Image: Danilo Rizzuti

7. Moss and Lichen

Chef and author Rozanne Gold, self-proclaimed creator of food trends, predicts that we'll soon be eating moss and lichen. Of course, I just said that people will eating squirrels with Darth Vader helmets, so it turns out that anyone with access to the Internet can say they create food trends.

Image: Joseph Valks

8. Rabbit and Goat

Huffington Post says rabbit and meat will be on our plates for 2012. Before you get on board with this, you should know that when you buy rabbit to cook, it looks like a rabbit. There is no mistaking a bunny leg when you see it, with or without fur. Also, there is probably no stopping your husband from grabbing said bunny leg, and making it "hop" across your counter. I know this, because once, for an allergy test for my son, I had to cook some rabbit meat. The butcher included in the package the teeny, tiny little organs. What the hell? I almost passed out. I was actually grateful my son turned out to be allergic to rabbit.

Fatal Attraction Bonus: My husband picked it up for me on the way home from work. He brought it into the kitchen, holding up the bag, and said “I will not be ignored.”

Image: Wikimedia Commons/Project Guttenberg

9. Whey

Bon Appetit says whey will be trendy for 2012. Finally, the kids can understand what the hell Miss Muffet has been eating.

Image: Jeroen Van Oostrom

10. Cookies for Breakfast

Bon Appetit also says "cookies for breakfast" are hot. Bon Appetit doesn't have autistic kids, obviously, because cookies are not for breakfast. Just like orange juice is not for lunch, pancakes are not for dinner, and sandwiches can only be eaten between the hours of 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Plus, thanks to Little Dude's extremely black-and-white thinking, if I ever did convince him that special healthy cookies were for breakfast, he would then apply that information to all cookies. I would have to call the cookies something completely different. Like flat muffins. It all just seems like too much work for me at 7 in the morning.

Image: Matt Mendoza

11. Mismatched Dishes

Oh! I can do this one! HuffPo also says mismatched dishes will be at all the coolest restaurants. Turns out I have been on the cutting edge this whole time, with my mix of "fine china" from IKEA, Target, and Dora.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

12. Some Extremely Complicated and Expensive Appliance

Foodies are all so excited they could pee, because some extremely complicated machine called a sous vide is now available for home use. Apparently the deal is that you vacuum-pack your food, and then cook it in an "immersion bath" of hot water. Dude. Isn't that how you make frozen creamed spinach? You throw the plastic baggie in a pot of boiling water? Not impressed. For that kind of money (home sous vide machines cost between $300 and $800), someone could just deliver food right to my door and I wouldn't even have to cook. For months.

Weekly Ketchup: Smartphones, Autism Studies, and Rectal Valium

2012-01-13T11:38:00.000-06:00

While I wasn't writing about important topics like Rectal Valium here on my blog, I was whoring myself out on a bunch of other sites!

Over at NickMom, I wrote the Top 9 Signs You're Addicted to Your Smartphone. Because admitting you have a problem is the first step to HOLD ON I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

Also at NickMom, I had I Wish I Could Be Like: Gloria Pritchett from Modern Family. I totally need a kid who can cook and make French-press coffee.

For Redbook Magazine's The Motherboard, I explained why "parenting experts" can bite me.

In my ongoing attempt to prove that there is good news about teachers (even if you have to dig to the very ends of the Interwebz to find it, because the media only runs stories about the douchebags), on Strollerderby, I ran 10 Awesome Teacher Flash Mob Videos and Study: One Good Teacher Can Have Lasting Impact.

I also collected some more good news about teachers in 10 Small Stories About Education That Deserve Your Attention.

Also at Strollerderby, I covered a study about ADHD kids and diet, and an exciting (but small) study showing that kids with autism have completely different bacteria in their guts.

I also covered two Girl Scout cookie boycotts. The first story is about some Scouts in Ohio who are refusing to sell cookies, protesting their camps being closed. The second story is about a teen Girl Scout who, apparently going for her "Prejudice" badge, who posted a rant on YouTube about transgender kids being allowed to participate in Girl Scouts. She seemed to be speaking on behalf of an organization called Honest Girl Scouts, who are an early front-runner in the competition to be 2012's Douchebag of the Year. Apparently they believe that Girl Scouts of the USA has a "pro-lesbian agenda" and are particularly galled by the fact that world-renowned author and feminist Betty Friedan, who founded the National Organization of Women, was a member of GSUSA's board for 12 years. Horrors!

That last story ended up being my favorite one of the week, because it totally backfired and now tons of people are ordering more cookies, because they just realized how awesome, inclusive, and progressive the Girl Scouts organization really is. Thanks, Bigoted Teen!

Also, when I discussed at dinner with my kids about the girl who opposed allowing transgender kids in Girl Scouts, my daughters immediately pointed out that posting a bullying rant on YouTube is not following your Girl Scout promise. We talked about what it means when you promise to be "considerate and caring," and to "respect myself and others." Then the three of them recited their Girl Scout Promise, and then my heart exploded.

Rectal Valium

2012-01-12T10:44:00.000-06:00

Valium savings bank via Amazon.

I seem to have walking pneumonia. Walking pneumonia isn't the serious kind, where you get to take a nice little rest in the hospital. It's merely the annoying, make-you-feel-like-crap-but-you-still-have-to-go-about-your-day kind. If you'll recall from my super-scientific graph on NickMom, moms don't really get to have sick days.

Last night I was texting with my awesome friend Tina, whining about my lame-ass illness.

Tina has a son who is profoundly disabled. He has cerebral palsy and mito and seizures and all kinds of stuff going on. He also has a stomach virus right now, so his seizure meds aren't really working so well. Regardless, Tina is freaking hilarious and awesome and non-whiney.

My smartphone isn't all that smart, so I can't just show you a screen-capture of the conversation, but it went like this. Watch as my Nyquil high takes me down a path of something that probably only I think is hilarious.

Me: Whiney, whine, whine. (Not what I actually wrote, but might as well have.)

Tina: Aiden had 3 seizures on Monday. Now I'm getting an order for Valium to be administered rectally. Yay me. ::rolls eyes::

Me: Poor kiddo. The least the docs could do is write a scrip for oral Valium for you, then.

Tina: Meh, I already have my Xanax.

Me: I can think of a few people who could use some rectal Valium, actually. Of course, Rick Perry would have to remove that giant stick he's got up there first.

Tina: To clarify, the rectal Valium is only to be administered if a seizure lasts more than 5 minutes.

Me: Oh, well that certainly makes it easy to administer, doesn't it?

Tina: Exactly.

Me: "Rectal Valium" is going to be my new catchphrase.

Me: If I was starting a new blog tomorrow, I would call it "Rectal Valium."

I assume during this time, Tina got bored with my Nyquil-induced insanity, and turned off her phone. Subsequently, I passed out.

This morning, the exchange is staying with me. You know the concept of "it could always be worse"? Sure, I may have annoying pneumonia, but I don't have to attempt to rectally administer Valium to a mid-seizure child. Now, every time I feel like I've got it bad, I'm going to think: Rectal Valium.

It's a multi-purpose phrase, though. Because also, every time I see Rick Perry in the news, I'm going to think: Rectal Valium.

Uptight mom at PTO? Rectal Valium.

Remember the time I had you thinking about untamed va-jay-jays all day? I'm pretty sure now you're going to have the phrase Rectal Valium running through your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome. I look forward to hearing about how you manage to incorporate this useful phrase into your conversations.