stark. raving. mad. mommy.

S**t Ignorant People Say to Autistics

2012-02-23T09:24:00.000-06:00

I die.

I thought I had had enough of this meme. And then this morning I saw this brilliant video.

The video was created by StimNation, an independent social media collaborative. You can (and should) follow StimNation on YouTube, and on Facebook.

I cannot wait for more from this group. Also, I couldn't possibly love this video (or the girl in it) any more.

Enjoy.

Autism 2.0: Siblings on the Spectrum

2012-02-21T07:38:00.000-06:00

Photo credit: Suat Eman

My 10-year-old daughter, the amazing and awesome Pork Lo Maniac, has been officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome.

The process of requesting her evaluation, being evaluated by the school district and then by a private psychiatrist, and developing an education plan for her, has taken almost a full year. And we're still not done.

We're not done with the evaluations; a follow-up Occupational Therapy eval is scheduled for sensory issues, fine motor delay, and motor planning deficit. We're not done with the IEP. We're not done hashing out the details, like whether an FBA (Functional Behavioral Analysis, which in this case would help identify anxiety triggers, for example) is appropriate. Or details like exactly what kinds of therapies she needs, and will receive. Important stuff.

We are fortunate. The Pork Lo Maniac's teachers are amazing, and have been going above and beyond the call (and above and beyond the accommodations in her 504 Plan for ADHD) all year long. The school social worker got her into a social skills group before the evaluation was even complete. And the principal, who is in fact a God Among Educators, has backed our entire family 100 percent.

We are fortunate. We already know a lot about Asperger. We've spent the last two years navigating the world of special education and the remarkable quantity of acronyms associated with special needs.

We've also spent the last two years praising Little Dude's awesomeness, and crediting his Asperger as a huge part of what makes him the awesome Little Dude he is. We talk daily about how we are each unique, and how everyone in our family has things they struggle with, as well as things that come easily to them. We talk about the benefits of ADHD (hyperfocusing for the win) and the benefits of Asperger (narrow, focused interest for the win) all. the. time.

We talk about how we don't want to fix Little Dude, but rather to help him find the world less stressful.

So we're going into this in a completely different way than we were when Little Dude was diagnosed at age four.

But it's still hard. No matter how well-prepared you think you are to hear the diagnosis, there's a certain amount of soul-crushing pain that comes along with hearing "your child has autism." There just is.

One thing I can't emphasize enough is the thorough nature of her evaluation. The careful decisions made by multiple clinicians. The vast amount of input taken from not just her parents, but from her teachers and even her Girl Scout troop leader. The observations: in-home, in-school, and in a clinical setting with a "novel peer."

It was thorough. And the diagnosis is accurate. We have known in our hearts and in our guts, for nearly a year, that the Pork Lo Maniac has Asperger. She has been a part of the process all along. She wanted this evaluation. She wanted an understanding of how her mind works, and to know that she isn't "stupid" or "a monster," as she was growing to believe.

So right now, the overarching feeling is one of relief. Our daughter is relieved to know that there is a reason for her social difficulties. A reason she feels like the rest of us are speaking a different language. A reason she sometimes needs to shut out the world. And also, a reason for her consuming passion for all things Chinese, which has lead to her teaching herself Mandarin.

As parents, we have relief that the evaluation process is coming to a close, and we're going to be able to support our daughter in a way we couldn't without the diagnosis. We're going to receive parent training on better ways for us to help her with her meltdowns. She's going to get more support in school, and hopefully, a greater measure of understanding from everyone in her life.

One of the most challenging parts of this situation right now is helping her siblings process this, and in particular, the Pork Lo Maniac's twin sister, Cookie. Over the last year, we've had to entirely shift the way we parent the PLM, and Cookie has had to, in many ways, shift her thinking about her twin. The diagnosis ultimately helps Cookie understand her twin more. But as a twin, there are ways in which this impacts her, in which it can never impact anyone else.

I'll write more about our epiphany about the PLM's Asperger Syndrome, and about the process of her evaluation, soon. It's common for girls to be diagnosed later than boys, and it's important to look at why that is, and how autism, especially in its higher-functioning forms, manifests in girls.

In the mean time, I leave you with this: as I said in a recent post on Strollerderby, anyone who thinks the autism or Asperger diagnosis is being handed out like candy, can suck it, suck it, suck it.

I created the above image for a post on Strollerderby:
Asperger's Is Over-Diagnosed? You Try Getting Your Kid Evaluated

Things That Cannot Be Unseen

2012-02-16T23:01:00.000-06:00

This:

I have nothing to add.

(Photo Credit: Anderson Cooper)

Weekly Ketchup: I'm Losing My Mind

2012-02-15T09:08:00.001-06:00

I've been so busy over the last couple of weeks, I haven't even done a round-up of my other nonsense to post here.

Besides putting on my cowgirl boots and heading to a metric f-ton of IEP meetings, here's where I've been for the last couple of weeks or so:

Motherfunny Stuff on NickMom:
A quick infographic on how Valentine's Day changes after you have kids.

A pie chart of what's on my 10-year-old daughter's mind right this very minute. You'll note that "remembering homework assignment book" doesn't get much priority there.

In our ongoing series "I Wish I Could Be Like," I explained why I wish I could be like any of the so-called Real Housewives. For starters, they never seem to have to clean a toilet.

I also had The Top 9 Lies I Have Told My Children. Because frankly if I didn't have lying and bribery to fall back on, I don't know how I'd get anything done.

And possibly my favorite project I have ever worked on, I wrote the script for a short NickMom video, starring the hilarious Calise Hawkins and Carolyn Castiglia.

Check out Memos from Your Class Moms: Platonic Friendship Day, right here!

Memos From Your Class Parents - Platonic Friendship Day
Get More: Memos From Your Class Parents - Platonic Friendship Day

One of my friends told me that his daughter's class celebrated "Compassion Day" instead of Valentine's Day this year. Neat. I hope for his sake, that means that his kid didn't bring home the Halloween-like quantity of candy that my kids did.

Funny Stuff / Serious Stuff on Strollerderby for Babble.com:

Hotness + humor =
Awareness WIN.

For Valentine's Day, I made you a slideshow of the best "Hey Girl" images for moms from the insanely popular Ryan Gosling internet meme. I was going to glue some macaroni to construction paper, but then I figured you already had enough of that, probably.

I had a small rant about how sick I am of headlines that say "Autism Linked to.." because most people don't read the whole story, they just read the headlines. And I get tired of people asking me if I saw that X now causes autism.

Two posts that I'm particularly proud of were timed for Feeding Tube Awareness Week. I had one post that focused on moms with kids who are tube fed, and another that highlighted the unstoppable nature of these amazing, inspiring and yet ordinary kids. Check out What If You Child Couldn't Eat? and Unstoppable, Inspiring, and Completely Ordinary: Amazing Photos of Tube-Fed Kids.

Oh! And I also had this rant saying that people who think the Asperger diagnosis is handed out like candy can suck it, suck it, suck it.

Random Stuff on Mamarama for Redbook Magazine:
They asked me to write about my worst mommy meltdown. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I couldn't pick just one, but I did manage to narrow it down to a Top Ten.

Also, following the vulture-like news coverage of Whitney Houston's death, and the fawning over Chris Brown's "triumphant return" to the Grammys, I wrote about Talking to My Kids About Fame and (Mis)Fortune.

If I Could Have One Super Power

2012-02-06T13:40:00.000-06:00

Redbook Magazine's blog, Mamarama, asked me if I could have one mom super power, what would it be? The answer was easy: to be able to take away my kids' anxiety.

"Now I'm a Superhero" by Natalie Dee. Available in unbelievably awesome t-shirt format. I think the t-shirts would make a really awesome photo shoot for the stark. raving. mad. family, don't you? Maybe for our next Christmas card.

Head on over to Mamarama to read my post, and let me know what your superpower would be!

Weekly Ketchup: All Kinds of Ranting, Devious Ways to Keep Your Kid Busy, and Toddlers and Tiaras Craziness

2012-01-27T16:48:00.001-06:00

For those of us here in Autism World, it's an exciting / freaky time, what with the possible changes to the autism diagnostic criteria in the Fifth Edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Mental Disorders (DSM-V). The New York Times successfully freaked us all out with a study about how those changes might impact people with autism, but after a cold hard look at the proposed changes, I (and several other people) are calling bulls**t on that study.

In my opinion, the DSM-V criteria may actually be more inclusive. See my post at Strollerderby on Why I'm Not Freaking Out About the New Autism Diagnosis Changes.

I mentioned this on my Facebook page, but in case you missed it, I happened to have a meeting this week with a psychiatrist and a special education coordinator for our school district. I asked about what would happen to kids with existing PDD-NOS diagnoses, and Asperger diagnoses, for example. I was told that all of those people would now just be re-classified as "Autism Spectrum Disorder." At least in our district, no one will lose educational services, which are supposed to be based on need, not diagnosis, anyway. I know that's just one district, but it's positive, so I thought I'd share it.

All that being said, there's no denying it's all very, very worrying to parents of kids with autism, and adults on the spectrum, too. In an effort to explain to the rest of the world why we're all so worried about the proposed changes to the autism criteria in the DSM-V, I ran What Happens If You Lose Your Autism Diagnosis? on Redbook.

(Image courtesy of NickMom.)

Also related to autism, I wrote an update about the Caring for Military Kids With Autism Act (HR-2288) for Strollerderby, Situation for Military Kids With Autism Is Shameful. I went a little bonkers over this, so if you're in the mood for a really good rant, check it out. There is a Congressional briefing on Tuesday to educate legislators about some of the barriers and difficulties faced by military families trying to get help for their kids. Seriously, we owe these families better. I called my Congressperson and told him so, and he's sending a staffer to the briefing.

In funnier stuff, over at NickMom, I had:

Games for Kids With Cabin Fever
Top 9 Responses to Unsolicited Parenting Advice
I Wish I Could Be Like ... Estelle Costanza. Because you know you miss Seinfeld.
Also, I contributed to NickMom's daily Take 5, which gives you the motherfunny take on the day's news.

I also came up with a brilliant Etsy
business idea: crocheted merkins!
You could call it CrotchCrochet.
You're welcome.

And, of course, right here we all got to learn about the latest in merkin fashion with Merkins: Because Untamed Va-Jay-Jays Are So 2010. You know, as much as I don't like to judge what kind of crazy s**t people do in their bedrooms, I'm going to go ahead and say that ripping out all of your pubic hair, to replace it with someone else's hair, and paying over $200 for this, is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard of.

OMG, wait! I almost forgot! I also had a thing over on Strollerderby about a Toddlers & Tiaras mom suing several media outlets for sexualizing her five-year-old daughters. Obviously, being on Toddlers & Tiaras wouldn't have done that in the first place, right? And it certainly didn't happen when she let her daughter be videotaped singing LMFAO's "Sexy and I Know It." For more on that special brand of crazy, see Toddlers and Tiaras Mom Sues Media For 'Sexualizing' 5-Year-Old.

Merkins: Because Untamed Va-Jay-Jays Are So 2010

2012-01-25T08:40:00.001-06:00

Way back in 2010, I wrote a post called My Weekend Shopping: Vodka, Enemas, and Untamed Va-Jay-Jays, which brought you, among other things, the news that Brazilian bikini waxes were so old school that it was now totally rad to leave some of your pubic hair alone. (Certainly not all of it, or anything.) That post also detailed some of the other popular crotch trends of 2010, including vajazzling and not using the word "vagina" on the cover of Cosmo.

So imagine my delight when a helpful reader named Susan brought to my attention the following headline from TMZ: 'NY Housewives' Star Cindy Barshop: 'The Merkin Biz is Booming!'

First of all, you know any fashion trend brought to you by TMZ is going to be full-on awesome. Secondly, the word merkin is enough to send me into fits of giggles.

Merkin. Merkin. Snicker.

A merkin, for those who don't know, is a pubic hair wig. A toupee, if you will, for your crotch. According to Wikipedia (thank God SOPA is dead, right?):

The Oxford Companion to the Body dates the origin of the pubic wig to the 1450s. Women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.

Well, that's hot.

So, according to TMZ, there is now a trend for women to have all of their pubic hair waxed off (ouch) and then replaced with fake pubic hair.

Oh, but not just any hair. I did some research on this, y'all. The best ones are made with human hair. Sometimes it's dyed fun colors and sometimes it's left, um, "natural." Because it's totally natural to glue someone else's hair to your crotch.

"Real" Housewife Cindy Barshop, who owns some kind of waxing/vajazzling/merkin shop, says that the newest merkin trends are fur and feathers.

"Carnivale Bikini," for the Vegas Showgirl
in you. (Image: Completely Bare.)

Let me just say that again: According to Ms. Barshop, people willingly shell out $195 to have all their pubic hair ripped out and replaced with feathers. This is called the "Carnivale." She also offers the "Foxy Bikini," starting at $225, in which pubic hair is replaced with glued-on fox fur. The fox fur is available in several different colors.

Because you really want to add more crazy to this story, enter PETA. Huffington Post reports that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, have unsurprisingly slammed the trend. What is surprising, however, is their use of obscenity in their statement. They chose language so foul that I don't even use that word, and I swear like a drunken sailor.

"Foxy Bikini," described by Gawker as "nightmare porno
from the id of Dr. Seuss." (Image: Completely Bare.)

But back to the merkins. I'm sure you immediately have all kinds of questions, just like I did. Happily, I've already researched the topic, to save you from getting your computer all infected with viruses that are surely found on the websites I've been to in the last 24 hours. Here's a summary of my research:

You glue the things on with something called "spirit gum." Spirit gum is waterproof, but I'm guessing the feathers and fox fur are not. Sadly, Cindy Barshop's website does not offer any advice on care and maintenance of the merkin. I'm sure your local dry cleaner has more information on the proper way to clean and store all your fine merkins.

Spirit gum comes off with spirit gum remover (sold separately). That sounds painful, but once you've had all your pubic hair ripped out, maybe nothing else hurts in comparison.

There is an unfortunately-named designer of expensive and really beautiful handbags named Lauren Merkin. If I had $200 to blow, I'd totally spend it on a Merkin clutch rather than a Barshop crotch-wig. Added bonus: I'd be able to say things at the next PTO meeting like "have you seen my new Merkin? It's snakeskin."

Tip: If you get bored with gluing your merkin to your va-jay-jay, you can always use it as fake chest hair or a fake goatee. Top that, Hints from Heloise.

Etsy has a really disappointing selection of merkins. I was hoping for all kinds of crazy-ass crocheted nonsense. And there was like, one thing made out of felt that looked like a preschool art project. So for those of you who are crafty: there's a big business opportunity for ya. You're welcome.

If you were going to craft your own Merkin, I'd like to recommend Martha Stewart's line of "glitter eyelash" yarn from Lion Brands. Martha is totally affordable and always tasteful. Plus, then you could advertise on Etsy as selling exclusive Martha Stewart merkins. You might not even get sued!

Martha Stewart Yarn 'n' Omnimedia: For all your merkin needs.
(Image: Lion Brand Yarn.)

I normally don't like to be too judgmental with people's pubic hair; I mean, if you want to have all your hair ripped out, go nuts. However, I am going to go ahead and say this: if you're spending $225 to have all your pubic hair ripped out, and then replaced with pink fox fur, you might have too much time and money on your hands. You could totally DIY this at home for like, 1/50th the cost.

Weekly Ketchup: Kidney Transplant, Porn for Preggos, and Mommy Apps

2012-01-20T16:42:00.000-06:00

Here's what I did and where I was this week:

Here on SRMM, I had Not Enough Ketchup in the World: 12 Foodie Trends for 2012, which clearly demonstrates why I'm not a food blogger.

At Strollerderby, my week was dominated by the story of Amelia Rivera, a three-year-old New Jersey girl with Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome. Her mom, Chrissy Rivera, says that Amelia has been denied a kidney transplant by my beloved Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, solely because Amelia is cognitively impaired. My original story is here, a second update is here. If you've been following along the whole time, you probably just need my latest installment, which corrects some mis-information that's out there about Amelia's story, and lists some big names that have thrown their support behind her cause.

If you're moved by Amelia's story, please consider signing the change.org petition asking CHOP to reconsider its transplant decision. If you're not already an organ donor, you can register with your state at organdonor.gov.

Amelia Rivera (family photo).

To balance out the sadness of Amelia's story, I also ran

6 Hilarious Eye-Candy Photos for Pregnant Women, although you really don't have to be pregnant to enjoy them,
If I Were Paid for My Homemaking Abilities, I'd Be Broke, in which I explain why no one would pay me for the half-assed job I do at keeping house, and
Should You Break Up With Your Pediatrician? featuring Heinz Doofenshmirtz as our first pediatrician.

Over at Redbook's blog, I had a post called 8 Mommy Apps I'd Actually Pay For (my favorite idea being iNap).

I didn't have any big posts for NickMom this week, except that I contribute to NickMom's daily "Take 5" column that gives you a motherfunny look at the daily headlines. My fave this week was from Thursday, because who doesn't enjoy a good serial killer joke?

By the way, there was a post over at NickMom that I didn't write, but I think is hilarious: A Guide to Your Fellow Facebook Moms: The Oversharing Mom by Margaret Ables.

Finally, thank you to everyone who has emailed me their concerns about the New York Times report about the new proposed changes to the DSM-V diagnostic criteria for autism. I'll have something on that in the next day or so. I'm still processing the trauma of reading them. I was so kind of okay with the original proposed changes (which I reviewed her last January) but I'm pretty horrified by the new proposed changes.

Not Enough Ketchup in the World: 12 Foodie Trends for 2012

2012-01-17T08:46:00.000-06:00

All the media outlets are abuzz with their predictions for 2012, and one of the favorite things to write about seems to be food trends. For those of you who don't know, "food trends" are things that excite people who don't have to make the same dinner every night for their picky, OCD-ish kids.

Here are twelve of the most insane food predictions for 2012, and why they will or won't work for my family. They're probably also twelve reasons I'm not a food blogger, but whatever.

Image: Quick

1. Black Food

Several sources cite black food as being a major 2012 food trend, and we’re not talking about squid ink pasta. We’re talking about “health water” that’s black (because that certainly doesn’t remind me of the Plague). It’s even come to the mainstream (if anything European can be considered mainstream) at the European fast food chain Quick, which presents the Dark Vador Burger. I guess misspelling Vader is also trendy. My family is dying for these things to come to the U.S. I’m on board too, because I don’t need much of a reason not to cook.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

2. Squirrel Meat

CNN reports that squirrel meat may be a food trend for 2012, because it’s ecologically sound. Well, sure. I mean, there are about 20 of those obnoxious little bastards in my backyard right now. As a mom, all I can say is that this is an excellent way to mess with your kids.

“Mom, what’s for dinner?”

“Squirrel nuggets.”

“Fine, I will never complain about your cooking being boring again.”

“WINNING.”

Image: I have mad MSPaint skillz, yo.

3. So, therefore ... Black Squirrel?

OMG! We have a black squirrel in our backyard, too. We call him Darth Squirrel. I bet if I mash up the squirrel trend and the black foods trend, I could be on Top Chef. Remember, people: black squirrel. You heard it hear first.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

4. Creepy “Odd Bits” Cuts of Meat

Good Housekeeping enthusiastically proclaims “odd bits” of meat to be a trend for 2012. “Tongue, gizzards, pigs' ears, tripe, chicken livers, beef heart, pork belly, lamb neck, oxtails! Yes!” Um, no. As hard as this economy is hitting my family, I’d rather just eat spaghetti again, thanks.

Image: Simon Howden

5. Blood

The James Beard Foundation giddily sees blood pancakes, blood cups, sauces thickened with blood, and chocolate -blood ice cream in our future for 2012. You know what? I don’t care how much your tweens love Twilight or how much you love ~~soft core porn~~ True Blood. That's just nasty.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

6. Toadfish

Fox News, always an arbiter of ~~even-handed reporting~~ good taste, predicts that over-fishing of traditional choices will lead us to find some more exotic fish for dinner. Among them: paiche, fugu, and toadfish. My plan: after some whole toadfish shows up at our table a couple times, my kids will be all over the salmon they're rejecting now.

Image: Danilo Rizzuti

7. Moss and Lichen

Chef and author Rozanne Gold, self-proclaimed creator of food trends, predicts that we'll soon be eating moss and lichen. Of course, I just said that people will eating squirrels with Darth Vader helmets, so it turns out that anyone with access to the Internet can say they create food trends.

Image: Joseph Valks

8. Rabbit and Goat

Huffington Post says rabbit and meat will be on our plates for 2012. Before you get on board with this, you should know that when you buy rabbit to cook, it looks like a rabbit. There is no mistaking a bunny leg when you see it, with or without fur. Also, there is probably no stopping your husband from grabbing said bunny leg, and making it "hop" across your counter. I know this, because once, for an allergy test for my son, I had to cook some rabbit meat. The butcher included in the package the teeny, tiny little organs. What the hell? I almost passed out. I was actually grateful my son turned out to be allergic to rabbit.

Fatal Attraction Bonus: My husband picked it up for me on the way home from work. He brought it into the kitchen, holding up the bag, and said “I will not be ignored.”

Image: Wikimedia Commons/Project Guttenberg

9. Whey

Bon Appetit says whey will be trendy for 2012. Finally, the kids can understand what the hell Miss Muffet has been eating.

Image: Jeroen Van Oostrom

10. Cookies for Breakfast

Bon Appetit also says "cookies for breakfast" are hot. Bon Appetit doesn't have autistic kids, obviously, because cookies are not for breakfast. Just like orange juice is not for lunch, pancakes are not for dinner, and sandwiches can only be eaten between the hours of 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Plus, thanks to Little Dude's extremely black-and-white thinking, if I ever did convince him that special healthy cookies were for breakfast, he would then apply that information to all cookies. I would have to call the cookies something completely different. Like flat muffins. It all just seems like too much work for me at 7 in the morning.

Image: Matt Mendoza

11. Mismatched Dishes

Oh! I can do this one! HuffPo also says mismatched dishes will be at all the coolest restaurants. Turns out I have been on the cutting edge this whole time, with my mix of "fine china" from IKEA, Target, and Dora.

Image: Wikimedia Commons

12. Some Extremely Complicated and Expensive Appliance

Foodies are all so excited they could pee, because some extremely complicated machine called a sous vide is now available for home use. Apparently the deal is that you vacuum-pack your food, and then cook it in an "immersion bath" of hot water. Dude. Isn't that how you make frozen creamed spinach? You throw the plastic baggie in a pot of boiling water? Not impressed. For that kind of money (home sous vide machines cost between $300 and $800), someone could just deliver food right to my door and I wouldn't even have to cook. For months.

Weekly Ketchup: Smartphones, Autism Studies, and Rectal Valium

2012-01-13T11:38:00.000-06:00

While I wasn't writing about important topics like Rectal Valium here on my blog, I was whoring myself out on a bunch of other sites!

Over at NickMom, I wrote the Top 9 Signs You're Addicted to Your Smartphone. Because admitting you have a problem is the first step to HOLD ON I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

Also at NickMom, I had I Wish I Could Be Like: Gloria Pritchett from Modern Family. I totally need a kid who can cook and make French-press coffee.

For Redbook Magazine's The Motherboard, I explained why "parenting experts" can bite me.

In my ongoing attempt to prove that there is good news about teachers (even if you have to dig to the very ends of the Interwebz to find it, because the media only runs stories about the douchebags), on Strollerderby, I ran 10 Awesome Teacher Flash Mob Videos and Study: One Good Teacher Can Have Lasting Impact.

I also collected some more good news about teachers in 10 Small Stories About Education That Deserve Your Attention.

Also at Strollerderby, I covered a study about ADHD kids and diet, and an exciting (but small) study showing that kids with autism have completely different bacteria in their guts.

I also covered two Girl Scout cookie boycotts. The first story is about some Scouts in Ohio who are refusing to sell cookies, protesting their camps being closed. The second story is about a teen Girl Scout who, apparently going for her "Prejudice" badge, who posted a rant on YouTube about transgender kids being allowed to participate in Girl Scouts. She seemed to be speaking on behalf of an organization called Honest Girl Scouts, who are an early front-runner in the competition to be 2012's Douchebag of the Year. Apparently they believe that Girl Scouts of the USA has a "pro-lesbian agenda" and are particularly galled by the fact that world-renowned author and feminist Betty Friedan, who founded the National Organization of Women, was a member of GSUSA's board for 12 years. Horrors!

That last story ended up being my favorite one of the week, because it totally backfired and now tons of people are ordering more cookies, because they just realized how awesome, inclusive, and progressive the Girl Scouts organization really is. Thanks, Bigoted Teen!

Also, when I discussed at dinner with my kids about the girl who opposed allowing transgender kids in Girl Scouts, my daughters immediately pointed out that posting a bullying rant on YouTube is not following your Girl Scout promise. We talked about what it means when you promise to be "considerate and caring," and to "respect myself and others." Then the three of them recited their Girl Scout Promise, and then my heart exploded.

Rectal Valium

2012-01-12T10:44:00.000-06:00

Valium savings bank via Amazon.

I seem to have walking pneumonia. Walking pneumonia isn't the serious kind, where you get to take a nice little rest in the hospital. It's merely the annoying, make-you-feel-like-crap-but-you-still-have-to-go-about-your-day kind. If you'll recall from my super-scientific graph on NickMom, moms don't really get to have sick days.

Last night I was texting with my awesome friend Tina, whining about my lame-ass illness.

Tina has a son who is profoundly disabled. He has cerebral palsy and mito and seizures and all kinds of stuff going on. He also has a stomach virus right now, so his seizure meds aren't really working so well. Regardless, Tina is freaking hilarious and awesome and non-whiney.

My smartphone isn't all that smart, so I can't just show you a screen-capture of the conversation, but it went like this. Watch as my Nyquil high takes me down a path of something that probably only I think is hilarious.

Me: Whiney, whine, whine. (Not what I actually wrote, but might as well have.)

Tina: Aiden had 3 seizures on Monday. Now I'm getting an order for Valium to be administered rectally. Yay me. ::rolls eyes::

Me: Poor kiddo. The least the docs could do is write a scrip for oral Valium for you, then.

Tina: Meh, I already have my Xanax.

Me: I can think of a few people who could use some rectal Valium, actually. Of course, Rick Perry would have to remove that giant stick he's got up there first.

Tina: To clarify, the rectal Valium is only to be administered if a seizure lasts more than 5 minutes.

Me: Oh, well that certainly makes it easy to administer, doesn't it?

Tina: Exactly.

Me: "Rectal Valium" is going to be my new catchphrase.

Me: If I was starting a new blog tomorrow, I would call it "Rectal Valium."

I assume during this time, Tina got bored with my Nyquil-induced insanity, and turned off her phone. Subsequently, I passed out.

This morning, the exchange is staying with me. You know the concept of "it could always be worse"? Sure, I may have annoying pneumonia, but I don't have to attempt to rectally administer Valium to a mid-seizure child. Now, every time I feel like I've got it bad, I'm going to think: Rectal Valium.

It's a multi-purpose phrase, though. Because also, every time I see Rick Perry in the news, I'm going to think: Rectal Valium.

Uptight mom at PTO? Rectal Valium.

Remember the time I had you thinking about untamed va-jay-jays all day? I'm pretty sure now you're going to have the phrase Rectal Valium running through your head for the rest of the day. You're welcome. I look forward to hearing about how you manage to incorporate this useful phrase into your conversations.

Autism and the Immune System: Gahhhhh Why Don't They Always Listen to the Moms?

2012-01-05T07:32:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of crushing on Tan Jun, Ph.D., M.D.,
the team leader on the amazing new
research coming out of University of
South Florida. (image: USF)

Yesterday, some news broke about research results showing a link between autism and immune system function. I immediately linked it on my Facebook page, but I wanted to share it here, as well. Here's the article, from the University of South Florida's Rashid Laboratory for Developmental Neurobiology.

When it was first suggested that Little Dude should be evaluated for autism, I ~~retreated to total denial~~ reached out to my friends who have autistic kids. Some of these moms were moms I had originally connected with because their kids had so many food allergies, something all four of my kids had struggled with. (See my DNA Double Helix of Crap for more on that.)

When I started sending e-mails out, I realized that all my autism mommy friends were also my allergy mommy friends. Now, not all my friends with allergic kids have autistic kids, obviously. But I think that all my friends with autistic kids have allergy kids. Some may have a handful of allergies, and some have extremely restricted diets.

I emailed Little Dude's pediatric allergist, and asked him ~~what the f**k was up with that~~ if there was any research on a link between allergies and autism, and if not, could he please get on that. He replied right away, because he's awesome like that, even though he's the chair of one of the top pediatric allergy departments in the country. He said that although they see a lot of autistic kids with allergies, there wasn't any scientific evidence of a link, or one causing the other.

I did conduct a completely unscientific poll here on the blog, which showed that a full 70 percent of my readers' kids with autism had food, medicine, or environmental allergies. Most had a combination of those.

Yesterday I emailed him the study from USF. His response this time was something along the lines of "I know, I know, we're trying to get research funding right now." Which probably translates to "Of course I read that, you crazy lady, now leave me alone so I can get back to helping kids."

This study out of USF is amazing. To me, it's the most important, and most helpful, autism research to come out in ages. It offers the possibility of actually answering a lot of questions about autism, and it offers the possibility of a blood test for autism.

I wrote more about my view on this research for StrollerDerby today, hopefully bringing more awareness to the mainstream about why this kind of research is so valuable to families like ours. You might want to check it out, because it has stuff like this:

My crappy DNA, personified: See how the asthma guy is gasping for breath?
And the autism guy is actually looking away from the camera?
It's uncanny, I tell you.(Original Image by StockPhoto; Added Nonsense by me.)

Click here to read my post for StrollerDerby on Babble!

The Good News and Bad News for SRMM

2012-01-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

Yes, I'll be mixing
my ADHD meds
directly into my
coffee to keep up
with all this.

2011 was a pretty exciting year for me, writing-wise. I started blogging for Redbook Magazine's online site The Motherboard. I was named to Babble's Top 100 Mom Blogs list. I got in on the ground floor with Nickelodeon's new, hilarious, NickMom project.

Starting today, I'm also writing for Babble.com's Stroller Derby, which brings you parenting news throughout the day. I'm going to do my best to bring special education news, and particularly autism news, to the forefront.

Of course, sometimes I'll just be bringing you nonsense, like today's slideshow post: 8 Celebrity Trends Moms Want to See in 2012. Because when 2011's biggest celeb trend was marriage break-ups, it's time to change tracks, Hollywood. How am I supposed to explain the news to my kids when Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris displayed the best relationship judgment of the year?

I know. All such fabulous news. So where does the bad news come in?

Don't worry, I'm not shutting down the blog. In fact, I'm going to need the therapy of writing here more than ever. The bad news at our house is that my husband, the Absent-Minded Professor, was laid off from his job right before the holidays. Because, you know, Merry Freaking Christmas, right?

Merry. Freaking. Christmas.

Yes. The job we moved back to Pennsylvania for.

As always, we're trying to stay positive. We enjoyed having Daddy home for the kids' winter break, for the first time ever. Having the Professor home also means lots of things are getting done around the house: he pulled the stove out and cleaned behind it yesterday. So that's an up-side to the immense stress and guilt the poor guy has going on.

With all the insanity we've had over the last two years, I don't regret any of the decisions we've made. As parents, and as a couple, we continue to make the best choices we can, based on the information we have at that time. Moving to Texas was a great experience for our whole family; moving back to Pennsylvania brought me back to an immense support network of friends. At the time the Professor took this job, it seemed like a good choice. It was a good choice. And there's not a lot we can do, as two people, to fix this economy.

Don't go feeling sorry for us, though. I'm in a great marriage, to a man I adore and who adores me. I have four amazing kids, who may be ~~nuts~~ quirky, but are healthy and happy. We're grocery shopping at the cheapest of the cheapy-cheap food stores, but we have food. And friends. And family. Life is good and I'm grateful for the problems we have.

My hubby is sending out resumes right and left, and we're optimistic that he'll find a good job soon. In the mean time, I'm going to do my best to bring home the bacon (::drool:: ... delicious bacon...) with my little writing projects.

Thanks for reading my blog, and for checking out my writing all over the Interwebz. Without you, believe me, none of these places would be interested in my writing.

Six Headlines I'd Like to See in 2012

2012-01-01T11:19:00.000-06:00

Gahhhhh the headlines were depressing in 2011. Here are a few I'm hoping for in 2012.

1. 2012's Must-Have Fashion Accessory: Noise-Cancelling Headphones
Sensory dysfunction is the new black!

2. Researchers Stop Studying Things Any Mom Could Have Told Them for Free
Instead work on developing better ADHD and autism screening tools for girls.

3. Politicians Stop Dumping Money into Obnoxious TV Ads
Saved money is donated to public schools; restores special education, arts, textbooks, teacher salaries.

4. No Child Left Behind Ends to Tumultuous Applause
Teachers no longer have to spend 95% of their time "teaching to the test;" my kids' anxiety over standardized testing recedes.

Special education classroom ~~aide~~ bully Kelly Chaffins of Ohio.

5. Standards, Training, Pay Raised for Special Ed Classroom Aides
Schools finally able to hire people who don't think stuffing kids into duffel bags, shoving vinegar-soaked cotton balls into kids' mouths, or verbally abusing kids is a good idea, instead of the douchebags who appeared in the news in 2011.

6. Generic Adderall Shortage Ended Forever
Pharmaceutical companies finally have heads out of asses. Related news: Asshat college students buckle down and/or use NoDoz instead of blackmarketed ADHD meds, thereby freeing up the supply for my kid who actually has ADHD.

DoucheFest 2011: The Year's Top Ten Douches

2011-12-30T11:13:00.000-06:00

In a joint production of Mom-In-A-Million and stark. raving. mad. mommy., we bring you the Top Ten Douches of 2011. (Cue jazz hands.)

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

Doug Hutchinson and his "teen" bride, Courtney Stodden.

#10. Doug Hutchinson

This is the skeevy actor who at age 51, married 16-year-old Courtney Stodden. There is something very, very wrong with this whole situation. First of all, we suspect that Courtney Stodden is actually 45 years old. It seems impossible that any teenager could look quite so, um ... unwholesome as Courtney Stodden. She's got the damaged hair and weathered skin of a much older woman. However, she's got the frosted eyeshadow of a 12-year-old, so who's to say? No matter what her age is, Hutchinson consistently looks like her douchebag creeper grandfather. And even if their love is real? Their Christmas card photo, with Stodden in a bikini and Hutchinson dressed as Santa, put them over the edge into holiday douchedom extraordinaire. -SRMM

Rick Perry attacks a corn dog in Iowa. image: politicalkudzu

#9. Rick Perry

I would like to take a moment to remember the late great Molly Ivins who used to refer to Governor Perry as the Coiffure or Governor Goodhair. I would also like to steal those labels. Governor Goodhair is trying to become Coiffure in Chief for all of us. His dedication to his campaign is admirable. His dedication to his state? Not so much. Texas experienced tragic wildfires this year and the Coiffure debated as Austin burned. I don’t know who was managing the crisis at home while the governor was appearing on tv in GOP debates, but it wasn’t the man elected to do that job. Add in the fact that his budget cuts led to firefighters having to pay for their own equipment and I think they should have given the Governor a squeeze in the direction of those fires and used his essence of douche to extinguish them. -MIAM

For shame. Image: USA Today.

#8. More Than One Douchebag at Dover Air Force Base

We're naming the chain of command that allowed hundreds of military personnel's remains to be disrespectfully dumped into a landfill at Dover Air Force Base as our Douchebag Number 8. These people deserve the middle-finger salute for dishonoring those who have died in service to our country, and for making their families' heartbreak even worse. -SRMM

Image: Kid4Life.com

#7. Everyone Running for Office in 2012

Politicians win this spot for spending obscene amounts of money on annoying television ads when our schools can't afford textbooks, copier paper, and teacher salaries. Granted, Herman Cain appears to have spent approximately 87 cents making what was arguably the worst political ad of all time, featuring his campaign manager Mark Block taking a long drag off a cigarette. (On the other hand, Mark Block is so creepy that it really reinforced to kids that they should never, ever smoke.)

How about we agree to vote for the first one who dumps his or her warchest o' dough into the public school system? -SRMM (Special addendum from MIAM: Also, it's totally whack that the campaign for the 2012 election has been going on for a year already.)

Yes, Ashton. It's a ring. Used to mean something. Image: Access Hollywood.

#6. Lying, Cheating Spouses

I’ve been cheated on. It sucks monkey balls. After I found out, I asked the boyfriend in question why he didn’t just break up with me before diddling around. He had no good answer and I’m betting infideli-douches Kobe Bryant, Ashton Kutcher, and Arnold Schwartzenegger don’t either. These guys has kick-ass wives at home but that still couldn’t keep their zippers aloft long enough to file for divorce before acting like creepy horndogs. Their wives, however, are all taking the Elin Nordergern high road. Every one of them is a class act in the face of epic douchery. Brava, ladies, brava. -MIAM

Words with ~~Friends~~ Douches: Alec Baldwin. Image: Hollywood Reporter.

#5. Alec Baldwin

Oh Alec. You can narrate Thomas the Train, you can frolic with Tina Fey on 30 Rock, you can do hilarious web videos supporting marriage equality in New York. You can do all that and still, the memory of the horrible phone messages you left your daughter linger in our memory. Which is why no one was surprised about the details of your temper tantrum on an airplane when asked to comply with FAA regulations and power down your phone mid-Words With Friends game once the door was closed . Insulting the flight attendant on Twitter after she removed you and your phone from the plane wasn’t too smooth either. And then you shut down your Twitter account, which is tantamount of a confession. Oh Alec, you’re a douche in cool guy clothing but a douche all the same. -MIAM

Nothing says "You can be anything you want to be!" to your daughter like this shirt from JC Penney.

#4. Children's clothing designers who think being stupid and/or trashy = adorable.

You know what? We expect this crap from Forever 21. We didn't expect it (until this year) from JC Penney and Gymboree. This year, Gymboree sold bodysuits for baby boys with "smart like daddy." For girls, there was only "pretty like Mommy." Thanks, Gymboree, for setting the stage for our kids to value only looks in girls, and smarts only in boys. At the top of this dungpile is JC Penney, which may have had the single douchiest clothing item of the year: a shirt for girls with "I'm too pretty to do homework, so my brother has to do it for me" emblazoned on it.

It was also a banner year for douchetastic designers of really, really inappropriate children's shoes. Here's a tip for children's shoe designers: if a little girl can't manage an actual buckle and must resort to Velcro, she does not need platform heels on her sandals. Mmkay? -SRMM

Giggity. Image source: TotallyLooksLike.com

#3. Anthony Weiner

Speaking of Twitter (see: Alec Baldwin), Anthony Weiner was responsible for the Tweet heard round the world. The Honorable Representative from New York engaged in some non-legislative activity with a woman on the West Coast that included a junk shot sent to the whole Twitterverse, instead of as a DM to the intended recipient. Did I mention that the intended recipient was not Anthony’s wife? Who was pregnant at the time? Weiner tried to defend against the snowballing scandal as word of the, ahem, eponymous pictures circulated but alas. The Weiner was cooked. He admitted to the tweet and resigned from Congress. But not to worry, despite one Weiner shrinking away, there are plenty of other douches on Capitol Hill. -MIAM

Do you get the feeling the groom was kind of an afterthought? Image: Celebuzz.

#2. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries (tie)

So, what’s worse? Selecting a potential spouse as if he were a handbag and treating him with the same regard as an accessory? Or marrying a woman you went out with, not out of a genuine interest in dating her, but because the producers of her reality show asked you to ~~be a prop~~ date her? The Humphries/Kardashian nuptials were a multi-million dollar charade, apparently, and they culminated in a divorce filing only 72 days later. Cries of hoax reverberated around the Internet and Kim and Kris were accused of faking the whole thing. My theory? Left to their own devices they would have broken up when they discovered that they have nothing in common but a film crew. But the reality TV world accelerated their courtship into a sprint down the aisle and a scramble to un-do the I do. Also? I betcha something in the pre-nup kicked in at 90 days and Kim bolted before that happened. Regardless, Kim and Kris and the reality TV machinery, in their douchery, maltreated the institution of marriage in a way the gay community never would. Just sayin’. -MIAM

Drumroll please ...

Chaffins (left), and Wilt (right).
Graphic by stark. raving. mad. mommy. Original image: ABC News.

#1. Ohio Special Education Teacher Christie Wilt, and Aide Kelly Chaffins

These two were found guilty this year of bullying a 14-year-old girl with special needs in their classroom. The girl's parents' concerns were initially dismissed by the Miami Trace Local School District. The district's superintendent said that the parents' accusations "bordered on slander and harrassment." The girl's parents then made the decision to have their daughter wired, and recorded the teacher and aide bullying the girl for four days. The teacher and aide were recorded as saying things like, "are you that damn dumb?" and "no wonder no one likes you."

Faced with that evidence, the school district has settled a lawsuit with the family. The district also requested, and received, Chaffins' resignation. The district did not, however, terminate or suspend Wilt, the teacher in charge of the classroom. She has been required to complete eight hours of classes which will teacher how to stop bullying and spot child abuse.

Sadly, we don't believe those classes will be capable of teaching her not to be a douche. -SRMM

The Book of Doucheronomy

2011-12-29T00:01:00.011-06:00

We asked for your nominations for the biggest douches of 2011, and boy did you come through. If you can't remember who the biggest douches of 2010 were, here's our list.

I have to say, things were a little more straightforward in 2010, and it was easier to pick the douches. Sadly, there was a lot more pure evil in 2011. Therefore, we've had to create some additional categories for this year.

Here are our new categories. Tomorrow we'll run the Top Ten Douches of 2011!

Satan's Minions: Too Evil to Be Douchey
Douche is far too good a word for these evil bastards.

Image: Celebitchy

Casey Anthony
If we had deemed her merely douche, she would be the kind of douche made from a bracing combination of battery acid and 150 proof moonshine. Instead she transcends feminine hygiene and falls into the Pure Evil category. While a jury of her peers found insufficient evidence to convict her of the murder of her child, the rest of us looked into her face and saw a cold black heart. I don’t know what happened to that poor sweet girl of hers but I do know that Casey doesn’t seem to care nearly as much as the rest of us do. -MIAM

Everyone Involved in the Penn State - Jerry Sandusky Scandal

Mike McQueary (inset), and
Jerry Sandusky.
Image: radaronline.

This is a story that just gets more and more disturbing. Jerry Sandusky, former Penn State football coach, has (at last count) been charged with 52 counts of molesting boys. Mike McQueary, the grown-ass man who allegedly witnessed Sandusky raping a 10-year-old boy, did nothing to stop the assault, choosing instead to run home and tell his daddy, a Penn State professor. Please note that McQueary's father didn't, at that point, shake his son and scream "what the hell is wrong with you?" and then call the cops himself.

Head coach Joe Paterno delayed reporting McQueary's report to authorities because he didn't want to interfere in anybody's weekend. The man Paterno told about the abuse, Penn State Director of Athletics Tim Curley, didn't think it was a crime, so he didn't call police. What the f**k is wrong with these people? Exactly what would have to happen before they would think it was a crime? And Paterno didn't want to ruin anyone's weekend? Are you freaking kidding me?

I know it's Pennsylvania, where all things Penn State and all things JoePa have been revered for decades. But there are just too many people who failed to man up and do the right thing. -SRMM

The Coveted Lifetime Achievement Award in Douchiness

Kate Gosselin
There’s probably something disingenuous about me writing about Kate Gosselin because I never watched any iteration of her reality shows. I don’t care whether she let her kids use markers or if her ex-husband wore Ed Hardy or all of that garbage. What I cared about was that these parents were parading their children around for all the world to see every week. I’m no shrink (though my grandfather was so that makes me, like, a shrink twice removed or something, right?) but I’m pretty sure that nothing good can come from being forced into the public eye before the age on consent without even a script between you and millions of judgy snitches gawping at you for the price of a cable subscription.

And don’t get me started on the lack of union protections for reality tv kids: a child actor on SAG overseen scripted show would have an individual contract, their salary put into trust until they’re 18, tutors on set, and limits to their working hours and set conditions. Not so for the Gosselin kids. They’re part of the product unit Kate and her erstwhile husband concocted and they’re not treated as individual professionals despite their parents essentially making them into mini-ATMs. But we all know already why putting kids on television is a bad idea (Dana Plato, ring any bells?). What Kate is proving guilty of is making her kids think that being on television is preferable to not being on television.

Kate went on some talk show and maligned her ex-husband for his stated desire to get cameras out of his (and presumably the kids’) life by sneering if he wants a mediocre life, that’s fine but she wants better and TV is a good way to get it. Better, like those hair extensions, plastic surgery, and private security for the kids whose safety you compromised by putting them on TV, Miss Kitty? Sure. That sounds awesome. Oh and thanks for calling my extension-less, unaltered, private and secure non-televised life mediocre. I’m sure all your fans wanted to hear that.

The final heartbreaking straw that let the douche flood loose was when I saw the clips of her kids saying good-bye at the close of their series. One of her girls thanked the audience for making them what they are instead of some boring family sitting on the couch at home. So, these kids think that their value plummeted when the camera crew went home? They feel reduced to being boring and unspecial by virtue of not being on TV? Kate apparently tied her kids self-worth to being part of a pop-culture phenomenon that ruined their parents marriage, compromised their privacy and safety, and ultimately was going to come to an end. How do those kids feel about themselves today? Thankfully, we don’t know. Hopefully their douche mom is teaching them the value of a more ordinary life. – MIAM

Dishonorable Mentions

Special Education Staff at Mercer County Intermediate School in Harrodsburg, KY
The mother of a nine-year-old special needs student with autism and ADHD, after being called to come pick up her son for his "unruly" behavior, arrived at the school to find him stuffed into a duffel bag in the hallway. Wait ... what? Yes. She found her son in a bag in the hallway. Frankly, this incident would have found its way onto the Satan's Minions list, except everything is still being investigated.

Special Education Staff at Exley Elementary School in Katy, TX

Apparently, staff at this school thinks it's okay to shove vinegar-soaked cotton balls into the mouths of special needs students as "aversive therapy." Because that's not a choking hazard at all. There's a pretty obvious connection between vinegar-soaked cotton balls and this school is being run by douchebags. We have some ideas on where those teachers and aides can shove those vinegar-soaked cotton balls.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for the Official Top Ten Douches of 2011 List!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T12:05:00.000-06:00

I'm busy wrapping every damn thing at the last minute. Because I am an idiot.

If you're in need of some funny, check out my friend Pregnant Chicken's awesome round-up of creepy Santa photos.

If you're in need of some funny but totally sick of all things holly-jolly, check out Chase McFadden's hilarious S**t Moms Say video on NickMom.

If, on the other hand, you have a desperate need to watch Darth Vader conduct a flash mob singing "Carol of the Bells," you can do that right here.

Hope everyone has a meltdown-free holiday!

xoxo,
SRMM

Too Many of These Stories

2011-12-23T09:14:00.000-06:00

No apple for these teachers.

The mother of a fourth-grade autistic boy, after being called to come pick up her child for misbehavior, entered her child's school to find him IN A DUFFEL BAG IN THE HALLWAY.

Let me wait for that to sink in.

The Harrodsburg, KY school called it a "therapy bag." In the ten years that my four children have been getting sensory therapy, occupational therapy, and physical therapy, I have never heard of a duffel bag being used as for "therapy." My kids have had to crawl through stretchy fabric tunnels (sometimes called socks). I think there's a stretchy fabric thing that can be closed with Velcro that some therapists use in sensory therapy. But it's not something that closes with a drawstring, as this mom describes. The original news report is here, and it's covered in more detail here.

I am weeping as I type this. No child should be treated this way. No parent should live in fear that her child is unsafe in school. U.S. laws say that all of our children are entitled to a free and appropriate education. At no point is it appropriate to put a child in a damn "to-go" bag after calling a parent to pick him up.

This comes the heels of a September, 2011 story of special education staff at Ohio's Miami Trace School District being audiotaped bullying a special needs student. In November, news broke about special education staff in Katy, TX, shoving vinegar-soaked cotton balls into the mouths of autistic children as "aversive therapy."

As a stay-at-home mom of an autistic five-year-old, believe me, I get that working with special needs children can be frustrating and difficult. I'm sure that many schools are understaffed in all areas, including special education. I know it's a hard job. I know.

But you know what? I'm with Little Dude 21 hours a day, and never once has it occurred to me to put him in a f**king bag. I have never thought to myself, "Hey, maybe I should shove a vinegar-soaked cotton ball in Little Dude's mouth when he misbehaves."

I really don't even know what the hell kind of mind dreams up these punishments. I do know that it's people who should not be working with children, ever.

It's painfully clear that there is something immensely lacking in the standards and training for special education staff in this country. And I have to wonder, in all these cases, why other teachers and staff at those schools didn't step up to the plate and say, "hey, that's not right." Did no school staff see this child in a duffel bag in the hallway?

The most terrifying part of this story is that I don't believe this would ever happen in my son's school. And I bet this boy's parents wouldn't have believed it either, until it happened.

Happy Hanukkah from SRMM

2011-12-22T09:13:00.000-06:00

There are so many reasons I'm enjoying this meme.

So probably I should have wished you a Happy Hanukkah a couple days ago, when it was the first day of Hanukkah, but whatevs. I figure if you're a mom slogging through eight freaking days of gift-giving, you could probably use the boost right about now.

We're not Jewish, but we feel that it's really important to raise our children to be appreciative of other cultures. Especially when jelly doughnuts are involved.

Besides chowing down on latkes, chocolate coins, and jelly doughnuts, this year I've decided to teach my kids one Yiddish word a night for eight nights. I was born in Brooklyn, so I grew up hearing a lot of Yiddish. Unfortunately, some of my favorite Yiddish words (schmuck, putz) are not appropriate to teach to the kids. But there are still plenty of family-friendly ones. So far they've learned schlub and gelt. (If you'd like to learn some handy Yiddish, here's a good link.)

Last year I posted a whole bunch of my favorite Hanukkah videos. It has all the classics: Elmo's Hanukkah with Veronica Monica, the Neil Diamond version of Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song, the Maccabeats, and more.

Here's the latest from the Maccabeats. It's actually a cover of the Matisyahu song "Miracle" that I posted last year.

Note: Wait -- was that Blossom? Why, yes. Yes it was. Mayim Bialik and the Maccabeats are involved in a project called Miracle Match, raising money for the Gift of Life Bone Marrow Foundation. A donation of $18 gets you a free MP3 download of the song, and the chance to win some other cool prizes.

Happy Hanukkah!

Ten Facts About My Super Glamorous Life

2011-12-20T00:01:00.000-06:00

Pretty much, my life is full of sparkles and unicorns. Sometimes I can't even believe how incredibly freaking glamorous my life truly is. To give you just a little glimpse, I present to you, Ten Facts About My Super Glamorous Life.

1. I have chronic nosebleeds. It's nothing serious, and yes my doctor knows about it. It's just wicked annoying. And disgusting. And happens pretty much all winter long.

2. The only long-term solution is to have a vein inside my nose cauterized. WITH FIRE. Or something. Cigarette lighter from a 1978 Honda Civic? I don't know what they use.

I'm totally glamorous like this. Except for the part
about the seaweed-infused nose tampon.

3. Generally, I try to avoid putting fire inside my head. Granted, I don't have a lot of experience with this, but it sounds bad. I know that when I finally had my horrible Swine Flu diagnosed, the test involved a nurse jamming a Q-Tip of Fire up into my nose and swabbing my brain with it. That sucked hard enough that I'm not looking for any kind of repeat.

4. To try to prevent the nosebleeds, I snort saline spray up my nose many times a day. I'm like a cross between someone who's a little too into yoga and a cokehead.

5. At a certain point, the saline nasal spray system fails me, and then I suddenly go from "slightly irritated" to "multiple nosebleeds a day that look like something out of a really cheap horror flick." That magical point was yesterday.

6. There is no good time for a nosebleed to start. Particularly bad times include while trying to get the kids ready for school and while changing someone's Pull-Up.

7. There are two ways to deal with my nosebleeds: lie on the couch for 40 minutes; or jam what is essentially a very special nose tampon into my head. I do not have 40 minutes to lie on the couch.

8. The nose tampons are coated with some kind of seaweed extract. Also, they smell funny.

9. I used my last very special nose tampon yesterday. I went to four damn stores to find more of the stuff, but it's apparently is a rare commodity in Pennsylvania. They sold it everywhere in Texas, so props to you Texas. Cannot freaking find it here.

10. I just had to order my very special nose tampons online. The nose tampon company doesn't offer any kind of expedited shipping. So I'm just screwed for however long it takes for the things to get here.

I bet you feel just a little bit better about your life right now. You're welcome.

Broke-Ass Holiday Fun

2011-12-19T08:40:00.000-06:00

We weep for you, Kobe.
Um, not really.

I saw in the news (okay, fine, on TMZ) that Kobe Bryant, the poor guy, isn't worth nearly as much money as we all thought. Instead of being worth $400 million, he's only worth about $150 million.

I know. Here's a tissue. I'll wait so you can gain your composure.

Of course, Kobe's wife Vanessa has hired one of the most prominent celeb divorce lawyers, and there was no pre-nup, so I have a feeling Kobe's cheating ass is about to be worth a lot less than $150 million.

Still, I doubt he's shopping for stocking stuffers at the Dollar Store like I am.

Today I'm over at NickMom with my post, Top 9 Reasons My Broke-Ass Holiday is Kinda Awesome. If you're also trying to find ways to convince your family that Ramen noodles are totally festive, you might enjoy commiserating.

Check it out and leave a comment or share it if you like it!

Speaking of broke-ass holiday fun, last week I was on Redbook's The Motherboard sharing my ideas for cheap (but totally hot) holiday presents couples can exchange. If seeing your husband do the dishes is like porn for you, you might like that post as well.

Aspergerism: "Access Mode"

2011-12-16T08:07:00.000-06:00

A quick little story for you: the other day on the playground after school, a little girl from Little Dude's class wouldn't give him the time of day. Little Dude kept trying to follow her around, to see if he could play with her, but she was busy with other (neurotypical) friends.

Finally, Little Dude came back to me. He wasn't sad, just confused.

"She talks to me in class," he said. "Why won't she talk to me now?"

"Well, maybe she's excited to see friends that she doesn't get to see during the school day, so she's busy," I offered.

"Nah," he said. "She's just not in access mode."

"Access mode?" I've never heard him use that expression before. It's definitely not something we say around the house. I have no idea where he picked it up. (Star Wars? Is R2D2 ever in "access mode"?)

"Yeah. When people are in access mode, you can talk to them. When they're not in access mode, you can't."

He shrugged it off and ran to play on the slide by himself.

May he always be this immune to social hurt.

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Program (updated with video)

2011-12-12T00:01:00.004-06:00

I normally avoid all things political on this blog. Autism doesn't care what color your skin is, what your income is, if you vote liberal or conservative, or whether you vote at all. Frankly, I'm so up to my eyeballs in the reality of my day-to-day life, that I don't have time to give a crap.

Oh, except for that time Sharron Angle, a Senate candidate from Nevada, railed against insurance for both maternity care and autism, putting "air quotes" around autism in a speech, as if we're making this stuff up. That pissed me off. Happily, the good people of Nevada remembered her douchiness when she was looking for "votes."

Rachel Kenyon and her 5-year-old daughter,
who has PDD-NOS and 4q-Deletion Syndrome.
So. Much. Cuteness.

So, yeah, I like to keep politics out of this blog. But I'm making an exception after being contacted by Army wife Rachel Kenyon (of the blog Stim City) and asked to support Caring for Military Kids with Autism Act (CMKAA) - H.R. 2288.

Pretty much if you can use the words military, kids, and autism in the same sentence, I'm going to be on board. I served in the U.S. Army. In my experience, no matter what your symptoms were, the Army's approach to medical care was to issue two prescription-strength ibuprofen and orders to get back to work. The process of getting the two ibuprofen tablets usually involved a minimum of 18 military acronyms. I can't imagine what it takes to access autism services for your child in that setting.

Rachel wasn't asking for me to support her efforts with CMKAA financially. That's a good thing because our money situation is always wicked tight. I can't give to every charity I would like to give to. But I can send an email to support a really good cause. Emails are free. (Unlike autism services.) All Rachel was asking me to do was send one email, with one click.

I sent the email, but I'm going to do one better, and ask you to consider supporting CMKAA, too. I read up on it, and here's what I learned:

There are 22,000 children of military families affected by autism.
Less than 10 percent of those children are getting the services they need.
CMKAA would streamline the acronym-filled process for military families to access services for their autistic children through TRICARE, the military's healthcare system.
It would also remove the extremely stringent cap on services that can be received.
H.R. 2288 was introduced last June by Reps. John Larson (D) of Connecticut and Walter Jones (R) of North Carolina. See? It's delightfully bi-partisan.

The bill was initially referred to the House Committee on Armed Services, and then was referred to the Subcommittee on Military Personnel on July 19.

And there it sits.

Rachel's husband, a U.S. Army Sergeant Major,
came home on leave a day after their daughter was born.
He returned to Afghanistan 14 days later.

And sits. While 22,000 children of military personnel are affected with autism, and struggling to get the services they need. Children of men and women who have literally volunteered to die for us if necessary.

Dude. Being a military parent (spouse or servicemember) is really hard. Being the parent of an autistic child is really hard. Put those two things together and you have a recipe for an olive drab suckfest that will stretch your marriage and your bank accounts to the freaking brink.

If you've ever seen the Schoolhouse Rock episode "I'm Just a Bill," you know what happens to bills that sit in committee: they die. You know what keeps them alive? Nagging your elected representative. Come on -- you're a mom. You probably nag people in your sleep. How hard can it be?

I've already emailed my Congressman, and let him know that as a veteran of the United States Army, as a mother, and as a voter in his district, I support Caring for Military Kids with Autism Act (CMKAA) - H.R. 2288.

The Sergeant Major and his
little girl.

If you'd like to lend your support, you can click here to let your Congressperson know that you'd like them to support H.R. 2288, too. Rachel has made it incredibly easy to do it -- in one click. You don't even have to know who your Congressperson is. You put in your ZIP Code and the website will tell you! Rachel has helpfully provided a template letter, so you can just fill in your name and the Congressperson's name.

It's so easy.

Unlike being a serviceperson struggling to help his or her autistic child.

One click.

All photos used with permission, courtesy of Rachel Kenyon and StimCity.org. You can read more about Rachel, her family, and their military life here.

If you a military family with an autistic child, or just want to follow the news on CMKAA, you can follow American Military Families Autism Support online, on Facebook, and on Twitter.

* * * * * * *

What's that? You didn't click yet? Here's a little video of a 5-year old, high-functioning autistic boy seeing his dad for the first time in eight months, after his dad returned home from Iraq.

Normally when you see these videos on the news, the dad (or mom) surprises their child in the middle of class, or in the middle of the gym at an assembly, or whatever. Crowds like that don't usually work for autistic kids. This reunion is all the more awesome for its simplicity.

::hands you tissue::

So, um, yeah, that was shameless of me to add this on. But still ... could you click now? Thanks. You're awesome.

Thank you to Amy at Pregnant Chicken for sending me the video; and especially to Nikki, the mom in Virginia whose son and husband are in the video. xoxo.

Who Are The Top 10 Douches of 2011?

2011-12-09T12:21:00.000-06:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year! My friend Mom-In-A-Million and I are taking nominations for the Top Ten Douches of 2011.

Last year we crowned Jennifer Petkov, the woman who had cyber-bullied a dying little girl, as the year's Biggest Douche. It was a tough choice, because there were just so many douches to choose from. Kody Brown in particular seemed like a good spokesmodel for an Ed Hardy-Massengil product tie-in. (See "Douchetopia: The Top Ten Douches of 2010" for the full list.)

2011 was not short on douches, either. Last year we had a whole complicated voting process and frankly I don't think I can manage that this year, so Mom-In-A-Million and I are taking your nominations, and then we'll go through and come up with the top ten in a few weeks.

Remember, douches can be male or female. Don't limit yourself to the obvious celebrity choices, like Charlie Sheen or the various members of the Kardashian family. There are some pretty clear choice in sports, politics (both left-wing and right-wing), and international intrigue. Also, Mother Nature was pretty douchetastic this year, providing us with more natural disasters in one year than I can ever remember.

It'll be a tough job weeding through the biggest douches, but Mom-In-A-Million and I are ready to wrangle with such tough questions as: Is Jerry Sandusky a douchebag, or is that simply too good a word for someone who is (allegedly) evil incarnate? What about the 27-year-old guy who saw something happening in the Penn State locker room shower, and instead of intervening/beating the crap out of Sandusky, he ran to tell his father? Is cowardly the same as douchey?

So many questions, so many douches.

But the most important question is: who do you think were this year's biggest douchebags? Leave your nominations in the comments!

I'm Going to Go Ahead and Be Petty

2011-12-05T00:01:00.001-06:00

I hate to be petty. I love all my children so much it takes my breath away. And you know how I'm all about how awesome Little Dude's Asperger quirks are. But let's face it. Sometimes those quirks are really freaking annoying.

I know. We're totally not supposed to say that. Saying that some aspect of your special needs child's behavior is annoying is pretty much like saying, "Hi there! I totally suck as a mom. You should probably get Child Protection Services over here, because who knows what I might be capable of."

Also? I feel like if a mom comments that her typically-developing child is being annoying, it's totally okay. So we special needs moms kind of get ripped off.

But it's true.

I'm not talking about the human beatbox thing, the flapping, the jumping, the spinning, or the obsession that has led to me knowing more about Star Wars than I ever wanted to know. I'm not talking about the fact that I've been banging my head against the brick wall of potty-training for over three years now. I'm not even talking about the meltdowns.

It's the black-and-white thinking. The total inability to deal with change. It's the fact that I can never, ever skip any component of his bedtime routine or serve cereal for dinner.

Mostly, what's annoying is that slacking is not an option in many areas of my life. And that just sucks. I really like slacking. I am an excellent slacker when it comes to cleaning, laundry, lawn work, and generally getting crap done. Slacking is awesome. Calgon-take-me-away awesome.

Hell to the No

On Friday I did not want to make dinner. Not that I ever want to make dinner. I'm pretty much always opposed to it, but there's the whole issue of how cranky the kids would be if I didn't feed them. And I can't throw that job to my husband because he often doesn't get home until about 7:30, and we are not one of those cool families that can eat fashionably late. I have a twenty-minute window of flexibility when it comes to feeding my kids dinner. If it gets past 5:30, severe crankiness sets in. If I waited until the Absent-Minded Professor came home, the kids would be doing that Exorcist spider walk on the damn ceiling.

The other thing is that we're being really ~~tight-fisted~~ careful with money right now, so ordering pizza was just not in the budget. My attempt at slacking was trying to convince the kids that it was "Make Your Own Peanut Butter Sandwich Night!" (The exclamation point makes it totally fun, right? I even did the jazz hands to make it seem more awesome.)

The girls were totally fine with it. Little Dude's reaction was Hell to the No. Except that information was not presented in a format as enjoyable as the Glee song.

I should have known. Back when Little Dude was still allergic to everything, I used to make "breakfast for dinner" some nights for the rest of the family. Once Little Dude was eating actual food, we stopped with the eggs at dinner time; because it was all wrong.

Little Dude has certain rules in his head, and messing with them is not worth the agony. You just can't mess with categories. Certain things can be eaten at certain times.

We do our best to work in little deviations from his routines. He prefers for his sandwiches (at lunchtime, duh) to be cut into four pieces. To help him work on being more flexible, I started cutting them into only two pieces. Gasp.

Initially, I only tried it when he was in a good mood. At first, even if he was having a good day, he would outright reject the sandwiches, refusing to pick them up, and spiraling into a full-on meltdown. Eventually he came to accept the two-piece sandwiches. Then I started giving them to him when he was already cranky, or on edge. Eventually, he came to accept them at those times too.

Now he will eat sandwiches that are cut in two pieces or four pieces. He will eat them if the pieces are cut into triangles, squares, or rectangles.

Know how long that took? Eighteen freaking months. I am so not kidding. It took 18 months to get him to accept sandwiches cut differently. It's still the same bread, the same peanut butter, the same honey. The only difference is the shape.

No more ~~wire hangers~~ sandwiches for dinner!

It's like that with bedtime, too. Trying to take shortcuts on an autistic child's bedtime routine will only take you on a shortcut right to Hell.

It does not matter how late I've let Little Dude stay up, or how desperately I want the day to end. I cannot deviate from The Routine. The result of said deviation is that there will be a major meltdown, after which we will have to start over, and do it right. He's like a tiny Joan Crawford.

Except Little Dude would never walk around with that much moisturizer on his face. So chalk one up for Sensory Processing Disorder.

On the plus side, The Routine is so effective, that I can move bedtime up an hour and he'll still fall asleep.

One part of the bedtime routine is that I lie down next to him for a little bit, until he falls asleep. When we lived in Texas, I had been able to stop. I sat in a chair right next to his bed. Every night, I moved the chair about a quarter of an inch farther away from his bed. I had almost made it out the door, when we moved. And the whole new bed, new room, new house situation brought on some regression. I should probably start that process up again, but right now we're working hard on potty-training and dealing with school, so bedtime changes will have to wait. We pick and choose.

When it comes to Little Dude, there is no slacking. There is planned spontaneity and microscopic change and tiny bits of progress, and that is all the complete opposite of slacking. It's exhausting.

And at the end of the day, at the end of the week, it's just annoying.