The Dark Knight Rises

So the first piece of news today is a couple new posters for The Dark Knight Rises.

…

Are those swastikas? WTF? Oh. They’re just x’s, but they LOOK LIKE SWASTIKAS. COME ON. I get that it’s like “X’s and O’s” or some shit and Catwoman is playful, but when your color palette is red and black, try to avoid anything that might even kinda look like the symbol of Nazis. JUST A THOUGHT.

dark knight rises catwoman poster

dark knight rises batman poster

Dark Knight Rises Awesome Poster

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has a new Russian poster (I assume Russian, it’s unintelligible) and it’s actually the coolest poster I’ve seen in a while. Peek-a-boo! I see you.

Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln Poster

Skyfall

Skyfall, the next James Bond film which is due out this November, has it’s first teaser trailer, and it’s halfway decent. Not much in it, but this is a teaser, so what do you expect? I didn’t expect Mr. Bond to be so bored with his own film’s title. That was a surprise.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man has two new viral videos of Dr. Curt Connors essentially chronicling his experiments of splicing in lizard DNA with a lab rat. Oh, and the second one is creepy as shit.

Prometheus

Prometheus has new featurette that focuses on Charlize Theron’s character, who appears to be a bit of a villain, but perhaps really just a self centered lady who is trying to do her job rather than be a customary bad guy. Cool.

The story is pretty much going to be similar to the first I suppose, with Ron Burgundy continuing to act as San Diego’s big dumbass news anchor, like your momma serves as the city’s actual anchor. She’s so fat she holds a CITY down. Ooooooohhhh!! SNAPDRAGON. THE RETURN OF THE ULTIMATE BURN.

Suck it.

Anyways, though actual plot details are currently scarce, it seems the main stars of the original Anchorman will be returning, though Christina Applegate is not yet official.

Anchorman 2

The original Anchorman director/writing team of Adam McKay and Will Ferrell will be returning for the sequel. They’ve made quite a few films together, each smarter than the last.

Anchorman 2 Trailer

Anchorman 2 Release Date

TBA 2013.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

  Will Ferrell … Ron Burgundy
  Steve Carell … Brick Tamland
  Paul Rudd … Brian Fantana
  Luke Wilson … Frank Vitchard (rumored)
  David Koechner … Champ Kind

What’s Good About It?

On occasion Will Ferrell is quite funny. Some of the costars of the original Anchorman have come into their own as comedic stars, notably Steve Carrell, though Paul Rudd leads quite a few films these days as well.

What’s Bad About It?

The original is NOT a classic, and only stupid people think so. (please argue with me in the comments, you’ll prove you’re a friggin MORON and I’ll fart on a banana.)

60% of the time this challenge to people’s stupidity works every time. See? Not that funny.

Our Clever Prediction

I don’t think Anchorman 2 is going to be a big success. If it were a sure thing the studios would have green lit this turd fucker years ago.

Brave

Brave has a new film clip and international trailer. The trailer doesn’t show much new stuff, or any new stuff, but the film clip really showcases main character Merida’s spunk. The kid has got spunk.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World has a new film clip, and blah blah blah Keira Knightley smokes weed. I assume that’s the best time to ask her to be my one and only.

Hyde Park on the Hudson

Hyde Park on the Hudson has a trailer that reveals Bill Murray as this year’s winner for Best Actor at the Oscars. Seriously, this is a no brainer. Who you gonna call? FDR.

Magic Mike

Another possible Oscar contender, Magic Mike, has a trailer, and it is exquisite. If by exquisite I mean FUCKING STOP DANCING.

Excuse me. He should stop fucking dancing though.

Highlander

Highlander is apparently being remade. Huh. And they want to cast Ryan Reynolds as Connor McCloud of the clan McCloud. WTF?

Channing Tatum, start dancing. Let’s end this world with a bang. A big, gay bang. Cause that’s this new highlander. A CANADIAN? COME ON. Maybe as the villain…

My God. Can you imagine an immortal Canadian? Horrifying.

Tyler Perry’s Witness Protection

Tyler Perry’s Witness Protection has a new trailer, and I have to give it credit, it made me laugh. Quite a bit actually. Not for the same reason black people probably laughed at it, but I laughed nonetheless. It’s interesting. I saw The Dictator last night (kinda funny, but also dumber than I thought it would be, which is saying something) and this comes across to me as more racially insensitive, and yet it isn’t at all.

The Possession

The Possession has its first trailer, and I had completely forgotten this film before the trailer. I’d written a preview and everything, and like most people can tell you, I have a memory like a lockbox. It’s a steel trap of superior knowledge.

Yet I forgot this. This… What is it again? The jewish exorcism or something? Meh. It looks fine, but all of these films are rehashing stuff from The Exorcist, and if you watch that you’ll be a hundred times more scared. They have NOT improved on the original.

The Words

The Words has a new trailer and it shows that it is a bad thing to steal other people’s words. I never do that. To be or not to be a plagiarist. I’d never…

Oh, and there are some babes in this. I will now see it.

Skyfall

Skyfall has a new poster, and it’s pretty classic James Bond, though I have to wonder when Mr. Bond is going to be shot out of a cannon. In a suit. While holding a gun. What a dapper carny.

Skyfall Poster

Prometheus

Prometheus has a new poster, and what the F is the dude off in the distance holding in his hand? Ignore the big exploding ship or whatever. WHAT IS HE HOLDING.

Prometheus Poster

Taken 2

Taken 2, or as I like to call it, Took, has a few new photos of Liam Neeson looking like a badass, though I have to question his choice of popping the collar on that leather jacket. If your neck is cold, wear a turtleneck. ASS.

Taken 2 pic

Taken 2 pic1

Taken 2 pic2

Right. Kid’s movie. Keep it clean Banana Hammock. Keep. It. Clean.

So there’s gum in his hair. THEN, he trips on a skateboard and drops his sweater into a sink while the water is on. OMG.

Thankfully, it can’t get worse, right? WRONG. His brothers get prizes in their cereal boxes. Not Alexander. He gets cereal. WHAT? SCREW THIS.

Oh, and he doesn’t get a window seat on the way to school. His teacher doesn’t like his drawing, there’s not dessert in his lunch. NOOOOOOO. He gets a cavity. AAAAHHHHH.

I’m just going to stop and say right now that this kid is having a REALLY bad day, and I am super depressed because of it. Where are you God? WHERE ARE YOU???

Oh, and at the end of this HORRIBLE book, Alexander’s mom says every one has bad days. THANKS, MOM. YOU BIT…

NEVER MIND.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day is being directed by Lisa Cholodenko, who also cowrote the screenplay with Rob Lieber. It’s based on the book by Judith Vorst. Screw her. I LIKE HAPPY ENDINGS. IN BOTH MOVIES AND MASSAGES.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Trailer

No trailer yet.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad DayRelease Date

TBA.

Pictures

Nopesy.

Who’s In It?

Steve Carell… Ben

What’s Good About It?

What’s the most depressing movie you’ve ever seen? This tops it. I don’t know how this a good thing…

What’s Bad About It?

What’s the most depressing movie you’ve ever seen? This tops it.

That’s better.

Our Clever Prediction

I hope the filmmakers have a bad day when this is released. THEY’VE DESCRIBED MY NIGHTMARE.

Anchorman 2

Anchorman 2, though it won’t come out for another year and a half or more, will soon have a teaser trailer, and today it has a new poster. Clearly this new film is for people with a foot fetish.

And is one dude wearing two different pant legs? Or are there two one-legged men? SO MANY QUESTIONS. I will make up my own answers.

They’re women. SOLVED.

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted has debuted it’s first film clip, and it shows a lion being afraid of a tiger, and I’m not sure what kinda animal Chris Rock is playing, but he’s annoying as shit. Screw you, Madagascar. Screw. You.

Prometheus

Prometheus has a new viral video that asks a number of questions, and it also showcases a bit more of Noomi Rapace’s character in the film. She’s basically a scientist who also believes in stuff. Cool with me. Normally I prefer women to not believe in anything, but sometimes it’s cool.

Iron Man 3

Iron Man 3 has cast James Badge Dale as Eric Savin, who won’t be… savin’ anyone!

Get it? Like “Saving” but without the “G” because of slang or something. Anyways, Savin is a bad guy in the comic with codename Coldblood. Sounds like a bad guy name. You can always tell. Like my bad guy name is “Canada.”

But that’s only because I needed something worse than “Adolf Osama Bin Hitler.”

SUCK IT CANADA.

Actually, I apologize. Canada isn’t filled with bad people. Just stupid people. Such as Ryan Reynolds.

Ant-Man

Ant-Man is, according to director Edgar Wright, going to start shooting by the end of this year. Yeah, right. Um… it hasn’t been cast yet, but I suppose this is possible. I’m curious about the direction he’s going to go with, as Ant-Man has long been one of The Avengers, but was clearly not involved in the film. Perhaps he’ll tie in for the second or perhaps third film? Maybe? Yes?

Or just Mechs. Either way, it’s aliens invading Earth, and big ass robots are going to fight them. I HAVE AN ERECTION BECAUSE OF THIS IDEA.

I think the pilots are scientists, which is fair, because let’s be honest, if you were a scientist and built a big ass robot, you’d want to drive it. And step on high school football-playing jerks who never treated you with decency and slept with your sister and crush on the same night even though he didn’t care about them or love them like you…

do. Oh. I’M NOT BUILDING A ROBOT OR ANYTHING.

Pacific Rim

Pacific Rim is, as I said, being directed by Guillermo del Toro, and Travis Beacham wrote the screenplay. Del Toro has some awesome films in his past, such as the Hellboy films, and he was very nearly directing The Hobbit films, but he pulled out when it took too long to get financing. Much of The Hobbit may come from his designs though, so he’s pretty good. Pan’s Labyrinth was pretty cool too.

Pacific Rim Trailer

No trailer yet.

Pacific Rim Release Date

July 12, 2013.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

 Idris Elba … Stacker Pentecost
  Ron Perlman
  Charlie Hunnam … Raleigh Antrobus
  Charlie Day … Newt Gotlieb
  Clifton Collins Jr. … Tendo Choi
  Robert Maillet
  Max Martini … Herc Hansen
  Rinko Kikuchi … Mako Mori
  Burn Gorman
  Heather Doerksen
  Diego Klattenhoff
  Larry Joe Campbell … Tommy T
  Brad William Henke … Miles
  Jake Goodman … Child
  Robert Kazinsky … Yancy Antrobus
  David Richmond-Peck … American Rep
  Joe Pingue … Captain Merrit
  Tyler Stevenson … Young Yancy
  Phi Huynh … Mechanic
  Derek Herd … Construction Worker
  Justin Major … Marine
  Milton Barnes … Mctigue
  Alan Tang … Cadet #2
  Mark Baldesarra … Construction Worker
  Emerson Wong … Cadet #3

What’s Good About It?

I really like Guillermo del Toro, and he has quite a cast with Idris Elba, Charlie Hunman and Ron Perlman, so I expect this to be awesome.

Wait, there’s something else. What was it? Hmm…. OH YEAH, BIG ASS ROBOTS!!!!!

What’s Bad About It?

Any problems can be solved with big ass robots. Look at Transformers. No script? Just throw big asss robots at it. Bad acting? Big ass robots.

It doesn’t matter what your problem is, if you have big ass robots, things turn out okay.

Our Clever Prediction

I SAY BIG ASS, YOU SAY ROBOTS.

BIG ASS.

…

HELLO? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! BIG ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard it that time. Thank you.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man has two new video clips of Dr. Curt Connors thanking us all for becoming his interns, and the 4 minute trailer/film clip from some show last night that I don’t watch but probably has singing and boringness is here, and that one is pretty sweet. It has a fair amount of new footage, and while I’m not really getting my hopes up for The Amazing Spider-Man, I do like the special effects and I think Garfield’s a good Peter Parker and Emma Stone is a good Gwen Stacy. That was a nice run on sentence.

Prometheus

Prometheus has a new TV Spot that shows A LOT of new footage. And it’s all pretty darn cool.

Anchorman 2

Though it was just recently announced, Anchorman 2 will apparently have a teaser trailer with The Dictator, which opens tomorrow. This was rumored before, but Will Ferrell apparently confirmed it on his Twitter account today. Here’s an interesting tidbit: the film doesn’t open for at least a year and a half. That’s a long friggin time. And this is a sequel to an average comedy. Wow. I am not getting excited for this. It’s not like it’s The Avengers 2 or The Dark Knight Rises or something. Hell, they haven’t released a Man of Steel trailer yet, and that comes out in about 13 months! What are they waiting for? Let’s get this crazy train rolling!

Because he is essentially untouchable, a small group of good policemen who are without fear decide to operate outside of the law to take Cohen down. They’ll lie, cheat, steal and kill to get him. This vigilante group is known as the gangster squad. They kick some booty.

Gangster Squad

Gangster Squad is being directed by Ruben Fleischer, who has a sort funny background to be making a film like Gangster Squad. His main successes are comedies Zombieland and 30 Minutes or Less. Not exactly hard hitting crime dramas. Oh well.

Gangster Squad was written by Will Beall and based on the book by Paul Lieberman.

Gangster Squad Trailer

Movie Release Date

TBA 2012.

Pictures

Who’s In It?

 Ryan Gosling … Sgt. Jerry Wooters
  Emma Stone … Grace Faraday
  Josh Brolin … John O’Mara
  Sean Penn … Mickey Cohen
  Giovanni Ribisi … Conway Keeler
  Mireille Enos … Connie O’Mara
  Nick Nolte … Bill Parker
  Michael Peña … Navidad Ramirez
  Robert Patrick … Max Kennard
  Anthony Mackie … Coleman Harris
  Frank Grillo … Jimmy Reagan
  Josh Pence … Darryl Gates
  Derek Mears … Goon #1
  Sullivan Stapleton
  Holt McCallany … Karl Lennox
  Brandon Molale … Jimmy Knox
  Ambyr Childers
  Troy Garity
  Jonny Coyne … Grimes
  Jeff Wolfe … Giovanni Vacarezza
  Jon Polito … Dragna
  Maxwell Perry Cotton … Charlie
  James Carpinello … Johnny Stompanato
  Austin Highsmith

What’s Good About It?

The trailer for Gangster Squad is pretty badass, and after Drive I’ll watch anything with Ryan Gosling. Also, I’ll watch anything with Emma Stone, but only if she’s sitting next to me and we’re watching it TOGETHER. AS GOD INTENDED.

What’s Bad About It?

The only thing that gives me pause about Gangster Squad is director Ruben Fleischer. I’ve liked his other stuff, it’s just that those were comedies. I worry about his abilities as a dramatic director.

Our Clever Prediction

I think Gangster Squad is going to be a decent success commercially, but a bit more successful critically. The trailer looks awesome, and we haven’t had too many gangster films recently. I think the cast is outstanding, and the story looks good.

Safety Not Guaranteed

Safety Not Guaranteed has a new featurette that basically describes the premise and inspiration for the film. Essentially, the film is about a real ad that was put in the newspaper about 15 years ago, and it was about a guy who was saying he’s planning on going into the past and wants someone to come with him. The guy was apparently kidding, but the film takes the angle that he was serious, and a couple journalists hunt him down and try to get a story out of it. It’s a pretty funny idea. Maybe I’ll see it.

Oh. April from Parks and Recreation is in it. I WILL DEFINITELY SEE IT.

Total Recall

Total Recall has a few new photos today that really illustrate how attractive the future is going to be. It’s actually quite a bold move, as I see the future getting fatter and fatter. GO AMERICA!!!!

[Show as slideshow]

[View with PicLens]

The Dictator

The Dictator has a new film clip and it is pretty darn long. Not as long as my pee pee, but pretty long nonetheless. It’s a clip of the Dictator himself and the lead up to and part of the helicopter ride from the trailers.

Prometheus

The first film clip from Prometheus is online now, and I can’t be 100% sure, but it looks pretty heavily edited. I DO NOT LIKE IT EDITED. I like it all natural baby. Still, it’s a pretty cool clip of the ship from the film, called Prometheus, landing on the alien planet.

The Amazing Spider-Man

The Amazing Spider-Man has a couple new posters today, and they really focus on the webshooters. Apparently they’re international posters, and in other countries they really like innovation. Unlike America? HELLO? WE INVENTED INNOVATION. IT WAS OUR FIRST INNOVATION. Sheesh. Morons.

[Show as slideshow]

[View with PicLens]

GI Joe 2: Retaliation

GI Joe 2: Retaliation has 2 new posters today as well, and I can’t be 100% sure, but I think they gave female star Adrienne Palicki a bit of a booby upgrade. APPROVED.