Written by Guest Writer P.C. Anderson

Temperatures are rising, and so is the visibility of LGBT musicians. Get pumped for all of the music that will soon be lodging itself on your mental Repeat button.

Next month begins the wave of LGBT Pride festivals and parades throughout the country, and we have a lot to celebrate now that Obama has officially endorsed his support for marriage equality. Not only that, but Family members have some killer new music coming out right before the end of the month, providing the perfect soundtrack for our festivities. So before you slip on your sequin-bedazzled thong and roll on ecstasy for twelve hours, (What? …you don’t do that? Go re-read your copy of The Homosexual Agenda) take a look at the tidal wave of gayness headed for your ear drums.

RUFUS WAINWRIGHT, Out of the Game (OUT NOW)

I will admit that I’m brand new to the Rufus Wainwright bandwagon, but all the gays in the know at least have Rufus Does Judy at Carnegie Hall, if not this gem. He is just fabulous. For one, he never shies away from being catty or honest. On the eponymous track he dishes “You’re only a child with the mind of a senile man / You’re only a young thing about to sleep with a sea of men,” but in the last verse asks for a favor: “let me smell you for one last time / before you go out there / and ruin all of the world, once mine.” The track that captures my heart however is “Montauk,” a ballad to his new daughter that hopes she won’t be embarrassed by her two dads as she grows up. The album as a whole is a union of style between producer Mark Ronson’s lush orchestration and Wainwright’s Elton John-like whimsy. He is a class act that is worthy of your monetary support.

ADAM LAMBERT, Trespassing (OUT NOW)

And on the other side of the music spectrum, we have “bad boy” (ugh, did I just write that?) and American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. His first album was a bit hit-or-miss, which I attribute partially to the tight turnaround from the competition to putting out a not-so-polished product that nevertheless resulted in an intentionally campy album cover and a world tour. And thus, he puts his feet kinda forward once again. There’s no denying he has one of the wildest vocal ranges out there, and his prowess is not to be underestimated either. His songwriting is still a little rusty though: “Never Close Our Eyes” just feels like an updated “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” with a more club-friendly beat, and a few of his songs fall into the “let’s get messed up” trend of pop music thanks to Dr. Luke, the sadist responsible for Ke$ha’s career. But it’s not all bad news. “Shady” for instance is sleazy in all the right ways thanks to Chic guitarist and Let’s Dance producer Nile Rodgers, plus it features a cameo from dreamboat Sam Sparro. And “Pop That Lock” is certainly gonna start some drunken dance-offs at Tigerheat amongst the demographic of overcompensating OC teens. But the track with the best chance of longevity is “Outlaws of Love.” For all of the pop songs about self-empowerment, it is refreshing to hear someone as talented as Lambert hear how fragile and calculated he is when he croons “you say we’ll rot in Hell / but I don’t think we will.” A perfect snapshot of our struggle with religious bigotry in 2012 that I have no doubt will continue to resonate in the years to come.

GOSSIP, A Joyful Noise (May 22)

After their success of “Music for Men” in 2009, singer Beth Ditto is ready to bring it once again. She is recently engaged to marry her girlfriend Kristen in Hawaii next year and is an occasional plus-sized model who is absolutely in love with her Eric Cartman-shaped figure. Having seen the band perform live before, I can attest that her weight only adds more power to her vocals when she lets it out, which she is wont to do. They are going through a slight transformation of music genre, this time dabbling in smoother productions than all their prior efforts, drifting ever so slightly into an electro-punk hybrid band. This makes Ditto all the more important, and she delivers the spirit of the band with her. She is a punk rocker through and through, and as an outspoken voice in both the feminist and LGBT circles, she should not be crossed. So, you know, don’t.

SCISSOR SISTERS, Magic Hour (May 29)

One of the queerest bands around, they let loose “Shady Love” back in January, an odd amalgam of a Jake Shears rap (???) and even a dash of dancehall, but totally in the realm of their soundscape (the bridge is reminiscent of their ”Comfortably Numb” cover). And then they released their first official single, “Only the Horses,” a Calvin Harris-backed track that is devoid of personality. But the Internet leaked “Let’s Have a Kiki,” which has restored my faith. This pearl is perhaps the gayest track they’ve ever made, which I say with careful consideration. Yes, this supersedes “Invisible Light” which features a guest monologue by Sir Ian McKellan. The song starts after a good 45 seconds or so of telephone conversation with an unidentified voice, who I’m guessing is Sharon Needles, the hot new drag queen who is fresh off her win on RuPaul’s Drag Race and who performed with the band in a recent NYC set. Filled with “hunty,” “werk,” and “I’m gonna let you HAVE it!” and the like, our Scissters have not abandoned us after all. If “Night Work” was inspired from European night clubs, the origin for “The Magic Hour” must have been Carnevale, or Mardi Gras, or both.

AZEALIA BANKS, 1991 - EP (May 29)

I wrote about this 20 year-old bisexual rapper in my Coachella post, and guess what: she’s hotter than ever. This will be her first bundle of songs available for purchase, and it is about time. No more Google-hunting for a perfect Azealia playlist. But I mean, one listen to “212″ should be convincing enough. And you can get a sample of her ego on her Twitter @AZEALIABANKS where she has no reservations throwing it down with the likes of Nicki Minaj or Lil Kim.

SAM SPARRO, Return to Paradise (Soon)

Full disclosure: to say I have a creative and physical crush on this man is 100% accurate. He’s Australian, gay, and has the vocals of an angel since he grew up singing gospel, which is why “Happiness” sounds so effortless and joyous. I had the good fortune of seeing him perform several of his new tracks at LA Pride last year, and when he DJ’d for New Year’s Eve at Rasputin I drunkenly touched his hand (I have witnesses). He’s been working on the album for two or so years now, and you can hear it in the lyrics and nitty gritty of the music itself. Trust me. Just… just buy the album, whenever he finally gives straightforward details of the release date (May 29? June1? June 12?).

You are now out of excuses for not throwing the summer BBQ party of 2012. I know it’s a lot of info, but take it one album at a time, and relish in knowing your summer playlists are set in gay-stone. And don’t forget to be there for the Last Dance, for Donna.

Stumbled across an interesting artifact the other day concerning George Romney, father of the not-official-yet-but-who-are-we-kidding Republican nominee Mitt Romney.  George Romney has come up a couple of times in this campaign, mostly when Mitt was stumping in his home state of Michigan.  What I saw was a letter sent to George (in 1964, when he was governor of Michigan) from Delbert Stapley, an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  It’s worth your time to read the whole, ugly, sugary thing.

The principal point of the letter is that George Romney marched with and supported black civil rights leaders in the early 60′s, and that was against Mormon teachings.  Mormon teachings at that time said blacks were a “cursed people.”

Like a CURSE curse?

Mr. Stapley gently (oh, so very gently) warns Gov. Romney that he [Stapley] remembered “what happened to three of our nation’s presidents who were active in the Negro cause…I am sobered by their demise.”

What he is talking about is the assassinations of Presidents Lincoln, Garfield and Kennedy.  The Kennedy Assassination was just over three months old when this letter was written, so…points for timeliness to Mr. Stapley.  All three Presidents had made efforts, whether succesful (Lincoln) or not, to elevate the status of African-Americans in society.  One could argue about the heartfelt intentions of Mr. Lincoln’s Emancipation Prolacmation and subsequent 13th amendment (was freeing slaves a matter of duty or a grab to enlist black men for the Northern Army?), but free is free.  Kennedy was noticeably lukewarm on the subject during his first two years in office, but began taking major strides towards full civil rights in his final one.

However, Governor Romney was not a president, he did not need to get everyone’s vote, and so full civil equality was something he could wear on his sleeve.

There’s a lot of chatter in conservative-leaning papers (see Washington Times above) that wants to tie Mitt to George.  That sounds like a fine idea, unless anyone makes a big deal out of the fact that George created Michigan’s first state tax (Tea Party!) and championed smaller, fuel-efficient cars (Big Oil!).

George was Secretary of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) in Richard Nixon’s first term.  Mr. Nixon had just come off a highly successful (and odious) “Southern Strategy,” which used subtly pressurized anti-black fervor to stoke Southern voters.  However, George Romney used HUD to start an open communities project, which hastened black/white housing integration.  Mitt has begun flirting with the idea that HUD might not be around under his watch.

HUD and George Romney were dealt major blows in 1972 when it was discovered that there was a scandal-a-brewin’!  Bigoted speculators, now forced to sell to black people, would inflate the value of HUD homes, raising mortgages on blacks who couldn’t afford them.  Those families didn’t get their homes, and the government defaulted on the mortgages.

George Romney, terribly fed up with Nixon and politics, waited until the “Un-Crook” was re-elected, and then resigned.  He gladly returned to private life.

He dipped his toes back into politics in the early 90′s, when he coached Mitt to run against Edward Kennedy for a Massachusetts senate seat; you know, the one where Mitt said he’s better than Kennedy for gay rights.

This one.

George wanted Mitt to rely on his own instincts, rather than political advisors.  On this, too, George Romney was a good man and a total political failure.

It kind of gives a new spin to this scene from the current season of Mad Men:

George Romney was from a time when the Republican Party was changing.  Romney’s sometimes opponent, Barry Goldwater, would reflect on this a great deal.  Mr. Goldwater was nicknamed “Mr. Conservative.”  He was against welfaire and thought social security should be voluntary.  He is considered the godfather of modern conservatism.  Yet, he would always fight the influence Christianity had over the Republican Party.

“…Pat Robertson and others…are trying to take the Republican party and make a religious organization out of it.  If that ever happens, kiss politics goodbye,” he told the Washington Post in 1994.  I wonder why I never hear Goldwater’s name come up on Fox News ever.

Goldwater lobbied that abortion was a woman’s choice and not the government’s.  He advocated for gays serving openly in the military (from his biography): “You don’t need to be ‘straight’ to fight and die for your country. You just need to shoot straight.”  More good shit from Mr. Goldwater on this topic here.

What exactly did happen to the Republican Party?  Mr. Goldwater’s just told you.  What would Goldwater and George Romney, were they alive today, have thought of Mitt Romney’s plan to federally ban gay marriage?

For Goldwater, the answer seems clear, but with George, it’s maybe a little harder to say.  Black civil rights are much, much different than gay civil rights in many serious respects.  However, the heart of it is the same, true conservatism, the old Grand Old Party:  It’s impossible to legislate morality, much less someone’s version of morality, so butt out.

It seems that on this one, Barack Obama, not Mitt, is George Romney’s heir.

It’s a slow day for news.  You can always tell so when news orgs are running stories on which mini celebrity said what bad thing about gay people.

For example, Manny Pacquiao, a boxer or a wrestler or whatever, said he doesn’t support gay marriage.  ”Whoopdie-shit,” says I.  This isn’t news.  I can’t believe you made me put down my Sangria to look up (several times) how to spell Pacquiao for this article.  I’ve written it twice in this paragraph, and I still have to reference it.  Fuck it, from now on, I’m saying it Packy-wow.

A lot of places blew up this story to make it news.  Many of them erroneously reported that Pachyderm followed up his non-support with a straight-up Leviticus quote that says gays “should be put to death.”  He didn’t say it.  In response to this fake uproar, The Grove mall in Los Angeles, which is slowly becoming the set of Extra with Mario Lopez, has banned Pack-of-Gum from shopping or doing press there.

Whut?

I mean, I hope this is in response to the perceived sorta death threat (the Leviticus thing), and not just the gay marriage denouncement because…no, we shouldn’t be doing that.  And I’m not even going to get First Amendment-y in my reasoning.  We shouldn’t be doing that because I don’t want the gay community to become a weird, humorless wet blanket. Not that there’s humor to be found in what Pack-of-Donuts said, but I’m losing faith that we are starting to see turning the other cheek as a sign of cowardice or weakness.

Do we have to ban him from things?  That’s what anti-gay people do, and they look like assholes for doing it.

Can't we let a well-timed withering gaze do the judging?

So, he didn’t say the Leviticus thing, and now he’s banned from shopping like so much Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.  She eventually got to shop in that movie, and the ladies who turned her away before felt like such bitches.  This is what our opponents say we’re going to do:  we’re going to start putting florists out of business because they won’t work for a gay wedding.  Gay Americans are Americans, and as Americans we have the right to choose who we do business with.  Don’t watch a soccer game with him in it anymore if you feel so strongly.  This Smacky-Wow does play soccer, right?

So, now, Pack-of-Yoo-Hoos can’t do his Mario Lopez interview for Extra.  What a missed opportunity.  Instead of banning him, Lopez could have flipped the script on him and pressed him to defend himself.

It could have been a buff mixed race guy "Frost/Nixon"

Also, Bristol Palin is back in the news for nuh-uh-ing President Obama’s gay marriage endorsement with a kind of Noel Coward wit, if Noel Coward had been raised by Sarah Palin.  Again.  Not news.  And unlike, the Pacquiwhoanelly thing, unsurprising news.  Tomorrow, news will break that kids like ice cream.

A lot of people, myself included, immediately started tearing into her lack of self-righteous credentials to make such morality claims, but then, I realized…why am I watching Storage Wars through opera glasses?  It’s simple publicity grabbing.  I’m going to be over here, kissing my boyfriend, and let’s leave Miss Palin to raise her child in the peace and quiet of–

The lights and cameras of her new reality show, Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp!

I didn't make that up! That's a real thing that's happening!

So we gave talktime to Palin, and now she’s used President Obama’s big news as a way to advertise her dumb show, and we’ve given her everything she’s wanted.  Wait.  Including me writing this…

NOOOO! The Internet is a trap!

Oh, also, she’s been getting death threats, folks.  Really, gay people?  Don’t do this.  These threats are horrible, despicable words that do nothing positive and improve no one’s lives.  In that respect, I guess I should say… “Welcome to the club, Bristol!”

We’ll get our rights through pressuring the right people.  While I acknowledge the shameful sway our celebrities have over mass opinion, the amount of control Packi-Ow and Mizz Palin acutally have over our destinies is minimal to zip.  Tell them why they’re wrong, but the most you should be outraged at them is, I’d say, an eye rolling’s worth.

You should be much more pissed off at the Colorado lawmaker who cast the tie-breaking vote to deny civil unions to people like his gay son.  That guy.  Shake your tweeting fist in that direction.  When it comes to everyone else, pour your drink of choice (I’m moving on to Amaretto Sours now), and make like gay icon Glenn “Otho from Beetlejuice” Shadix:

Delia, lighten up!

Well, not exactly like Shadix.  He stayed mostly closeted in his mother’s house until he died.  More like the movie character he played.

Last week, I experienced a rush of shameful joy in the prison sentencing of two former New York senators.  These guys are two of the few Democrats who “voted their conscience” to block gay marriage rights in 2009.  In fact, they voted their consciences on this so hard that they had virtually no conscience left when they defrauded taxpayers of over $1 million and slashed their girlfriend’s face with a piece of broken glass.  I enjoy stories like this because I like sipping coffee from my NY <3 Gay Marriage mug with a sense of accomplishment.

Hiram Monserrate was acquitted of felony charges of GF abuse (mostly on account of her chickening out of testifying), but he was later busted for embezzling $300,000 from a community service project to fund his failed 2010 re-election campaign.  He’s going to probably serve a year and change for that.  Carl Kruger’s bribery and kickbacks reached the million mark, which he laundered into shell companies thanks to the help of his…ahem…close male confidante.  The closet case got 7 years and the aging boy toy got 2.

Well.

There’s more “conscience voting” hypocrisy where that came from.

You see, back in 2008, the GOP lost a 30 year majority in the New York senate.  This year, the Dems outnumbered the Pubs 32-30.  What happened?  The GOP staged a coup.  A Summer of “we ain’t working” gridlock stalled every bill, slowing the amount of bills passed from 1,794 in 2008 to just about 640 by early September 2009, when NBC New York reported the story.

The gridlock ended with a deal of KA-CHING!  The Dems agreed to more funding and staffing for the GOP minority, who netted $17.3 million for the year, compared to $14.9 million for the Dems when they were in minority in 2008.  Those Republicans are just so fiscally responsible!

Alright, enough boring numbers.  Here’s the juice!

With a little South of the Border flair!

The coup, like all coups good and bad, would not have been possible if it weren’t for a few turncoats.  Four Democratic senators helped them do it.  They are Hiram Monserrate (slash-n-dragger!), Carl Kruger (Secret Boyfriend Laundromat!), Ruben Diaz (he likes cowboy hats!), and Pedro Espada (if you can believe it, the biggest piece of shit on this list!).

They all prided themselves on this coup, they all “voted their conscience” on gay marriage, and they all call each other the Four Amigos.  They decided on this because three of the four of them are hispanic, and the fourth one was schtupping a guy who’s name ends in a vowel, so the Four Amigos it is!

Turns out that the slippery slope these guys should’ve been worried about was not the one that starts with gay marriage and ends in man-turtle unions, but rather the one that starts with vast corruption and ends in prison.

The Four Amigos in: "The Four Amigos Go the Fuck to Prison!"

I’ll detail the crimes in a sec, but first:  Look at these guys.  These guys must be on some mission to see how many demographics they can make look bad: Hispanics, blacks, gays, Democrats, politicians, simple boys from New York boroughs (the men represent the Bronx, Brooklyn and Queens).  Oy.  They look like they’re holding, just out of frame, a bag with a dollar sign on it.  I wonder when they all move their hands away, who will have stolen whose pinky ring?

So what did Espada do?  He set up a scheme at Soundview Health Clinic wherein the board of directors were stacked with his family members so they could approve countless credit card purchases to be billed to Soundview.  Those purchases?  A $60,000 car for his wife, $10,000 on home improvements, $60,000 on weekend dinners, $20,000 on a vacation to Puerto Rico, et cetera et cetera all the way down to a buck-nine for a pack of gum.  All this on top of an annual salary of $300,000.  And, of course, his salary as a Senator, which reached just under a pathetic $80K.  He’s been doing this for years to a federally funded nonprofit clinic that, possibly, might need that money for stocks of medicine and paying decent doctors and the like.

Oh, I tell ya, there's trouble! Trouble capital T, which rhymes with P, which stands for Pool. It also stands for poor sick people I robbed to build that pool.

His trial wrapped up last month in a rather messy fashion.  He was convicted on one count, but the others ended in a mistrial.  If the retrial is half as outrageous as this one was, we’re all in for a treat.  See, Mr. Espada knows that trials are inherently boring– they’re the most fast-forwardable part of any movie– that’s why he put on quite a performance.

When not ignoring the trial proceedings to read to himself from The Good Book, Espada took out a rosary and prayed that the government stop “harnessing evil powers” against him and his also accused son.  It was fun to hear, but couldn’t recapture the wounded sparkle of Redd Foxx’s Sanford and Son heart attack bit.

The government, Elizabeth!

He instructed his supporters to dress all in red to ward off said bad government mojo.  As the former Senate Majority Leader at the heart of a multi-million dollar corruption scandal, Mr. Espada knows a great deal about the evils of government overreach.

Espada, unlike those un-Biblical suckers Monserrate and Kruger, claims innocence.  Not only that, he claims Governor Cuomo has a vendetta against him.  I’ll agree with that.  It’s very clear that Governor Cuomo has a vendetta against hospital-swindlers.  On that, Espada and I see eye to eye.

Which brings me to…¡Amigos Ultimos!  Reverend Ruben Diaz Jr.  The man of God likes cowboy hats, Battlestar Galactica on Hulu, and throwing anti-gay rallies in the Bronx every couple months.  The last Amigo agrees that Espada is the delicate fox, and Governor Cuomo is the filthy hound.

“There’s been persecution on all of us since the coup,” Diaz said to City & State New York.

That persecution would be the embezzlement indictment of Clement Gardner, the head of Diaz’s nonprofit Christian Community Benevolent Association.  Diaz himself remains untouched by allegations, but what do you think the odds are that his buddies have succumbed to corruption for embezzling money using their nonprofits and Diaz hasn’t?

Has a man ever bunked with three junkies and never tried heroin?

Diaz tried to turn on the charm in his interview with such good ones as “They say you could indict a ham and cheese sandwich if you want to!” and “I never worry.  I am a pastor, I am a preacher, and my life is in the hands of my savior Jesus Christ.”

Famous last words.

What did you get your mom for Mother’s Day?

Whatever it is, it don’t hold a candle to the gift ABC gave the anti-gay group “One Million Moms”:  delusions of grandeur.

The radical group (and I mean “far right” radical, not “Gushers commercial” radical) has been calling for the destruction of ABC’s mildly rated hot pink show GCB, and now they’ve got their wish.

What's GCB? Tune in to find out!

It was a show about Christian women running around being obnoxious nut-cases, and OMM was angry because they thought they had the market cornered on that front.  Actually, their list of grievances was a mile long (and an inch deep).  My report from February:

With Desperate Housewives going off the air, the world is anxiously trying to divert a catastrophe that would deprive us of scenes of actresses in full hair and makeup being happened upon while having an affair with a gay soap stud plumber.  Behold, the answer to all our prayers! GCB!  What’s GCB?  It was adapted from a book that wasn’t sure if it celebrated or mocked Christians called Good Christian Bitches.  It was then turned into a TV show script that wasn’t sure if it celebrated or mocked Christians called Good Christian Bitches.  It was shot by actors who weren’t sure if it celebrated or mocked Christians, and then screened before an equally uncertain focus group, who decided they didn’t like the title Good Christian Bitches.  It was then retooled as Good Christian Belles to further deepen the confusion over whether the show celebrated or mocked Christians.  Finally, an ABC Programming marketing team decided Good Christian Belles didn’t do enough to favor ‘having it both ways’ over clarity of concept, so it was slapped on 50 trillion billboards as the sounds-like-a-pill GCB.  That brings us to today.  I’m not sure what kind of audience it’s building, but I don’t think the number of industry-savvy homosexual Southern expatriate chorus boys now living in LA is enough audience to sustain a major network show.

I’m very happy that all these housewife shows, narrative or reality, are exposing mainstream straight culture to gay sensibilities (as in a love for any actress over 40 and a couple gay best friend characters for said actresses to paw at throughout the commercial-filled hour).  I’m also happy that these housewife shows are fulfilling a latent fantasy of  mainstream gay guys who want to be their mothers’ gossipy bridge partners when they grow up.

I’m being sincere.  I celebrate it!  My Mom and I wouldn’t be caught dead shopping together, so I don’t identify with it, but I celebrate it, nonetheless.

The only people harder to please than gays is mothers.  So, I’m sure it won’t surprise you that One Million Moms (fresh off their highly successful ‘ban Ellen from JC Penny’ campaign) isn’t happy with GCB.  I give them credit for sitting through an entire episode.  Having no idea what they’re talking about makes this all the more fun.  Hang on to your Easter Sunday hats; here’s their list of grievances (bolding mine):

-Gossip (Given)

-Sarcastic “God bless you!” (This angry mother’s day job is running corporate sexual harassment workshops)

-”Out Christian You” simulating a competition (Huh?)

-One gives seductive kissy faces to husband in congregation while singing a solo at church (Monocle drops into champagne)

-Grab each others breast and friend’s daughter’s breast discussing the implants they had done (But that’s the screenwriter’s favorite scene! It’s been in there since Draft One, and it totally happens in real life!)

-”Cleavage helps your cross hang straight” (Line written by guy who wishes he were Bruce Vilanch)

-Song playing “Jesus Go to Hell” (Remember when cool, actually controversial, actually important things used to whip people into a frenzy?)

-One daughter’s tiny cheerleading uniform pops open exposing her bare chest and flashing the crowd at a pep rally (Boobs, yes! That’s what those men like! More boobs!)

-One husband has a homosexual relationship with a foreman at a ranch and wife knows and is fine with it to save her marriage (I’m sleepy)

Cut to present day!

The Moms have been yelling about every single episode since then, which means they were probably the show’s only audience.  Because the show was just given the axe by ABC.  Guess who’s taking credit for it?

In their press release, they even say that “God is using One Million Moms to help remove this filth from television.”  I would have rather had God use One Million Moms to prevent 9/11 or slow the melting of the polar ice caps, but mine is not to question why.

The Moms are outrageous in saying so, to be sure, but it’s no less delusional than anything else that comes out of their Internet-mouths.

In the meantime, using this logic, I can now safely take credit for the ratings dip experienced by NBC’s Smash.  You know, because I posted a negative thing about it on the Internet a while ago.

They're a bunch of actors, and they're walking towards ya. Strike them down, OMM, with your God-imbued strength!

But I’ll give it to you, OMM.  It’s Mother’s Day, you all worked very hard all year, and you deserved a victory.  You’ve taught us all a valuable lesson.  It’s not worth it to do any show about Christianity.  Better avoid the topic entirely.

North Carolina, this woman smiles at your misery today, and that is unacceptable.

She is Maggie Gallagher, she began the National Organization for Marriage, which spends millions of hard-earned Catholic and Mormon tithing dollars every year to keep gay marriage illegal.

North Carolina, You didn’t come through, as expected.  Your citizens were misled to believe they were preventing gay marriage from becoming reality by approving Amendment 1.  It was approved 61 to 39.  What your ballot measure failed to make clear to voters was that it also banned civil unions and existing domestic partnerships.  Had voters been made aware of this fact, the odds were very high that they wouldn’t have voted for it.  But you didn’t, and they did.  Whoops!

North Carolina fulfilled its cosmic destiny to discriminate against a minority until one day the federal government will compel them not to.  It rejoins its Confederate brothers with similar marriage bans in South Carolina, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Texas, Virginia, Arkansas and Tennessee.

But let’s not simply dump on the Confederacy, for there are other states with Constitutional marriage bans:  Idaho, Montana, Utah, Colorado, Arizona, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Michigan, Oklahoma, Kansas, Kentucky, Missouri, Alaska, Ohio and Wisconsin.

Oh, and our big gay meccas of Nevada, Oregon and California have Constitutional bans on marriage as well.

A whole batch of ugly.  So, there’s a Constitutional ban in 30 states.  And it hurts.  It’s created a world of hurt for a lot of people.  Not just for gays, but for the people who love them.

So what now?

We prepare for November.  Because we currently have 6 states (New York, Massachussetts, Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire, and Iowa– you can also marry in D.C.) that allow full marriage equality.

Plus cookies. They get cookies. None for you, other states.

That means 14 are for the taking.  Here’s where they stand, and what you can do about it:

WASHINGTON STATE

The sex-obsessed coffee-servers already approved their marriage law and has been signed by Gov. Gregoire. Signatures are already being collected (they have to get 120,000 by next month) to put the new law up for a Prop 8-y citizen’s vote. Not only that, but there’s gonna be TWO ballots to vote on! It’s Prop 8: Now, with extra confusion!

West Coast gays, this is our only hope this year for a drivable wedding.  Hit your contacts up!

MARYLAND

The crimefighting crab-snappers already approved their marriage law and was signed by Gov. O’Malley in February.  Signatures are already being collected to put the new law up for a citizen’s vote. Want to know where to sign it?  Head over to Fox News.

Those of you who want me to visit them (looking at you, brother and sister-in-law), you’ll get your busy asses registered to vote and vote ‘yea.’  Or as I say, vote ‘YAY!’

MAINE

The lighthouse-admiring Stephen King flipper-throughers already had a marriage law, and it was stripped by a citizen-with-a-funny-accent’s vote in 2009. A November 2012 ballot vote to reinstate it has already cleared the number of needed signatures.

It barely passed in ’09 with a pencil-thin majority.  It’ll pass now.

I’m against citizen’s votes on minority rights.  I believe they’re unconstitutional.  In fact, I know they’re unconstitutional.  However, I fucking can’t stand those antigay motherfuckers, and we’re taking back Maine, and I want them to have the loneliest, unhappiest fucking Holiday season imaginable.  I want to see tears.  I’ll stir them into my eggnog, and eat it with a slice of pumpkin pie, you malignant fucking hillbillies in sheep’s clothing, and I pray that you’re right, and there is a God because when we’re all in Heaven I want you scrubbing my fucking cloud with your tongue, which you are no longer able to use for talking.

Ahem.  And I respect your opinions and beliefs and welcome an open discussion.

I'm not kidding. I want you to watch this movie alone and re-examine your fucking life.

NEW JERSEY

The comedian-breeding Bada Bingers approved their marriage law in February, but it was vetoed by Gov. Christie.  Legally, we have a year and a half to curry the 18 Yes votes to override it. Unlikely, but everything is worth a try when you have nothing to lose and everything to win. I don’t have a joke here, this coffee just gave me a rush of positivity.

What you can do about it is, if you have any voting say in that state, research your state senators and congresspeople and their views on legalizing gay marriage.  If they are for it, make sure they get re-elected.  If they are against it, vote for the other guy.  Politics!

RHODE ISLAND & DELAWARE

Not much movement yet.  The boring states have wishy-washy governors.  If you’re a Boring State Voter, make your boring voice heard to your boring governor, and let them know that you want boring gays to have a legal and highly unimaginative wedding in whatever dull banquet hall or nondescripct gazebo they want in the pinky toenail states of America.

MINNESOTA

Come November, Minnesota will become the new North Carolina.  The state, which has had an epidemic of suicides lately for some reason, has decided that the best way to stop gay teen suicides is to double down and recommit to telling them they are inferior people with a North Carolinian citizen’s vote to Constitutionally ban gay marriage.  That will be during the Presidential election, not the primary election like North Carolina, the swine.  Minnesota has voted Democrat for the past four election cycles.  Its victory isn’t as likely as North Carolina’s was.  That primary election drew out more Republicans, and the Presidential one will bring out a strong Democratic sweep for Barack Obama.

This is far from a lock because, remember, Michelle Bachmann represents Minnesota, too.  Hey, but maybe she’s moving to Switzerland?

What About Those 30 Bans?

Fuck ‘em.

Her too. Fuck her and her fat hand. That fish necklace is for idiots.

Stay out of those states if you can, but if you can’t, I imagine their supposed Constitutionality will be shot full of holes soon.  Why?  There are two cases right now, Prop 8 and DOMA, that are picking up speed and are on a collision course for the Supreme Court.

The DOMA case is made of several cases.  The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) says that even if a gay couple marries legally in New York, their marriage is invalid in the eyes of the country.  No social security, no medicare, no joint tax relief.  It’s a big mama jama that President Obama has refused to defend in court.  The Republican controlled House has stepped in to defend it.  In fact, they’re using a million tax dollars to do just that.  It’s dying a death of a thousand cuts as it’s been judged unconstitutional in several courts.  It will very soon make it’s way to SCOTUS.  That, or, the Republicans will lose control of the House in November, and the Respect for Marriage Act will have a fighting chance to unravel DOMA’s wrongdoings.

Prop 8, of course, is about California’s ban.  This case states that it’s unconstitutional to put marriage rights of a minority up for a citizen’s vote.  They’ve already won their case.  Twice.  It’s currently being appealed again, all the way to SCOTUS.  A Supreme Court win there would make vulnerable at least half these states’ laws, if not all of them.

These cases won’t reach SCOTUS until at least 2013, so I imagine the game will change a lot in that time.

There are 9 Supreme Court justices.  It’s a fairly even see-saw at the moment.  On the liberal side is Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor, Elena Kagan and Stephen Breyer.  On the conservative side is Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, John Roberts and Samuel Alito.  Justice Anthony Kennedy is almost always the swing vote.

When the dust settles on the November election, and 2013 opens its newborn eyes, it will most likely see a monumentual march on Washington, from both sides of the issue, arriving at the steps of SCOTUS like 10 million Gunslingers to the Dark Tower.  Here, we’ll wait for Judge Kennedy to decide either a windfall victory or another delay in justice.

I imagine right now Kennedy is watching President Obama’s full backing of marriage equality on his laptop.  He’s watching, but what is he thinking?

Oh, one last thing.  The thing you can do to help the most is get your asses off of Facebook (yes, liking statuses isn’t enough), and vote for Barack Obama’s second term.  If he loses, our decks will be thoroughly shuffled.

One more time, guys.

Today is a day for schadenfreude!  With Amendment 1 in North Carolina stipping LGBT folk of what pitiful few rights they had left, I think it is appropriate to spend today looking at consequences of similar shit situations.

Pull your chair close, children, and listen to a tale of two corrupt men who are currently stewing in their self-made living hells.

Hiram Monserrate, a former New York state senator, representing the prestigious borough of Queens, attacked his girlfriend in a stairwell four years ago.  He performed what the papers called a “slash-n-gash” on her.

It's Slash-n-Gash! And I helped!

In early 2010, Monserrate was found not guilty on two accounts of felony assault on Karla Giraldo.  He was deemed unguilty of slashing her with broken glass, but was found guilty of a lesser charge of dragging Karla’s bleeding body down a hallway.  I’m still unclear on how a jury could surmise that Monserrate dragged her but didn’t slash her.  Are they suggesting it’s possible that Karen fell onto an upturned Snapple bottle, and he dragged her to safety?

No, it’s most likely because they lacked in evidence and testimony.  Why?  Karla may have initially reported the attack, but she ultimately refused to cooperate with the prosecution.  Good to see she didn’t let herself grow a victim mentality.

And Mariah Carey as Karla Giraldo

It was a misdemeanor dragging, so Monserrate was allowed to hold his senate seat.

That was, until he lost re-election in 2010.  So, we know he had a bad 2010, how was his 2011?  Very indictment-y.

Turns out that late in his political career, Monserrate convinced fellow senator Christine Quinn to financially support his $300,000 dream project:

CORRUPTION!

It was called LIBRE: Latino Initiative for Better Resources and Empowerment.  A nice, warm and fuzzy inner city project that we can all agree on.  Except, it wasn’t.  By ‘Latino,’ Hiram meant himself.  By ‘better resources,’ he meant siphoning LIBRE’s account to secretly fund and employ his failed 2010 re-election campaign.  And by ‘empowerment,’ he meant empower Monserrate.

So, he lost the election, and the corruption was found out.  Now, he faces two years in jail.  Not for slashing and dragging his weird girlfriend, but for this money thing.

Monserrate was one of the handful of Democrats who ‘stood up for’ traditional marriage and killed a marriage equality bill for New York state in 2009.  Well, it’s 2012, New York has marriage equality, he’s out of a job and will spend the next 21 months far from libre.

Who wants lemonade?

The second and final tale is a sad man.  Carl Kruger, another former New York senator, also a Democrat, also voted down 2009′s marriage bill.  But this is far from some story about a hotheaded local boy besmirching the good name of Queens.

Kruger has plead guilty to corruption and bribery charges, to the tune of $1 million.  He used to head the powerful senate finance campaign, where he would accept bribes from health care companies and colluded with lobbyists and assemblymen on various greedy bullshit things and was busted by an FBI wiretap.

He has been sentenced with seven years in prison.  His secret boyfriend has been given two years on conspiracy charges.

What’s that?  Boyfriend?  Voted against gay marriage?  Boyfriend?

Yes, the old, fat and sad Mr. Kruger was closeted and used his crooked money to build fabulous wealth to lavish himself and Dr. Michael Turano, a gynecologist, with expensive whatnot.  In fact, they were so rich, they didn’t really need to worry about things like health benefits and wills and stuff that being legally married gets you.  No, this was much seedier all around.

Kruger moved in, part and parcel, into Dr. Turano’s waterfront estate in Brooklyn (fabulous Brooklyn!), where they shared living space with Turano’s mother and brother.  No word yet, but it’s assumed that they were all in on this corruption equals big fat cash scheme.  Turano’s role in all this (well, his PG-13 role in all this), was to direct the dirty money to shell companies on Kruger’s behalf.

I just get a big old sad whiff from this story.  Particularly, strangely enough, from the least salacious of the story’s details:  Kruger didn’t socialize with anyone at work.  He ate his lunches quietly by himself in the cafeteria, and listed his living quarters as being with his sister on Avenue L.

Ugh.

This would be sad even on a 30-year old guy.  If I was siphoning millions left and right and dumping it into shell companies to build my fabulous wealth… I’d get my own fucking place!  With my boyfriend!  Closet or not.  This extra family members living on top of each other thing is just so incestuous and arrested development.

And voting for ‘traditional marriage’ too, while doing all this.  Now, he’s going to prison.  Mr. Kruger, you win, you have officially wasted your life.  You’re done.

The South gets a bad rap.  It’s easy to say that the South is a place of intolerance.  I choose to say that the South is a place that is just extra tolerant of the past.  The South has got a troublesome permanent record: low literacy, last to allow interracial marriage, no states that have even the scarcest protections for LGBT folk, and then there’s the whole Civil War thing.

My friends from the South, when they’re not rehearsing in their jug band, love to flip the script on me and decry my own intolerance of the South.

“We have great music, great barbecue, et cetera et cetera.”  No one accused you of not having good decadence.

“We have great manners!”  Like what?  Opening doors?  Who gives a fuck?  You’re oppressing people.

If I sound worked up, it’s because I, you know, am.  Tomorrow is May 8th, a voting day in North Carolina, the “Buckle on the Bible Belt” for the presidential primaries.  The prestigious North Carolinian Congress has passed an amendment that puts a very special vote on the ballet tomorrow.  This vote is called AMENDMENT 1, A1 for short (hey, A1!  Steak sauce! Barbecue again!).

This A1 is finger-lickin' crazy!

Our opponents would say that this vote is just to amend the state constitution that a marriage is between a man and a woman only.  ”Shitty enough,” you may say, “but how is this different than all the other shitbag states that have done this before?  And why are you giving the South such a hard time?”

First of all, you’re being really bossy with all these questions.  I’m getting to that.

Second of all, it’s odd that the North Carolina statespeople would go out of their way to craft this amendment to ban same-sex marriages because…same-sex marriages are already not allowed.  Nor are civil unions.  Sooooo…

Someone has slipped poison into this shit sandwich!  If A1 passes, it rips away the only thing we had: existing domestic partnership laws.  But guess the fuck what?  According to the 2010 census, 223,000 couples were domestically partnered in North Carolina, but only 12% of that number are gay couples.  The North Carolina congress, overcome by their desire to procrastinate creating jobs, is determined to smack a pathetic Red Riding Hood basketful of legal protections from the hands of 27,000 gay couples.  It’s a shame they had to screw over the cohabiting straight couples to do this, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

And what kind of omelet does North Carolina hope to cook here with this?  A boot-on-neck omelet.

This amendment is arrogance that has a whiff of Mint Julep about it.  It is a majority with a will to dominate the smallest of minorities.  It doesn’t have any goal other than to wound.  Although, not if you believe the co-sponsor’s wife, Jodie Brundstetter, who was stumping last week for Amendment 1′s passage and got herself into a bit of verbal stickiness with an African-American man:

There’s no way to prove that Mrs. Brundstetter said that this amendment was to encourage the growth of the caucasian race.  It’s illogical that this would have that effect, anyway; such a statement is not only racist, but baffling.  It’s also likely that Mrs. Brundstetter, unpracticed in political etiquette, said this to the compassionate woman probably with the misconception that they were two conspiring old white ladies, and she was just one more vote for the locking.  By the way, Mrs. Brundstetter didn’t need to worry so much about her horrible onset of heatstroke as she currently enjoys her husband’s government health benefits as part of being his legal wife.

Kentucky is as far south as I go. It's just blah blah blah all the way down to Disney World.

However, I shared that video not as a juicy bit of scandal, but as a reminder that race is still a big deal, and that the South is covered with broken bones that weren’t set right and never fully healed.  I bring this up because I believe that North Carolinians will pass this amendment.  It’s in their cosmic destiny.  If and when A1 passes, North Carolina will join 10 other Southern states, the Complete Confederacy, in having constitutional amendments that ban gay marriage.  The South has made good on their claim to rise again.  When the day comes that all states have equality, you can bet your sweet tea the last holdouts will be in this section.

If you’re a proud resident or former resident of this part of the South, you have less than 24 hours to speak up and vote.  When this amendment passes, the next day the rest of the country will shrug and dismiss this as unsurprising news.  They’ll say you were always hillbillies.  Disgraced in history, again.  For what?  For this?

Everyone is surprised that Iowa has gay marriage and California doesn’t.  Three Iowa justices that were chucked from their seats for allowing gay marriage are about to be given the John F. Kennedy Profiles in Courage Award.  The award will be a sterling silver ship’s lantern, representing a beacon of hope.  Courage can happen anywhere, just as cowardice can.  When this passes, our opponents will celebrate, as we would if we won.  But their celebrations are so quiet and ugly.  Brian Brown of NOM challenged It Gets Better’s founder Dan Savage to a debate on homosexuality in the Bible.  Savage got back to him in a day and said “You’re on.” (Actually, he said ‘You’re on, Motherfucker.’)  That’s been 3 days, and no word back from Brown.  That’s because Brian Brown is a gutless yellow turd.

Yes, I just quoted "Back to the Future 3." Whut??

Brown knows he’d debate Savage as well as an old townsperson would debate a werewolf from eating his lungs.  But Brown will soon be too busy celebrating and smelling his own farts to care making good on his proposed debate.

You control how this turns out.  But, if I may get personal for a moment, I think you will let this happen.  I don’t think you have the guts to change your heart.  Prove me wrong, please.

The South Will Rise Above

PART ONE!: In which Adam reviews The Avengers

Have you ever eaten so much amazing chocolate amazingness that you started getting grumpy and tired about 3/4 through the bag?

END OF REVIEW.

PART TWO!: In which Adam reviews the marketing campaign for The Avengers

The marketing strategy appears to have been two-fold:

Step 1: Over the course of four years, release five films introducing each of the protagonists, most of them human, some of them aliens.  Purposely en-vaguen when exactly the humans learned of the existence of aliens.

Step 2: Utilize the stars in press junkets much like the Avengers themselves, each with their own gift.  Actors Assemble!:

Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans, Thor and Capt. America, the Chrisses.  Cutie-patooties so early into their careers, they’ll charm any talk show crowd, anytime, and be glad to do it.  Boys, you’re charged with luring in audiences that would otherwise resist seeing a Big Explosions Movie.  The Chrisses will drop interviews over at Out and Advocate magazines, and answer questions like “Do you support marriage equality?” (They do!) and “Why are you so pretty?” (Lots of running on the beach and laughing as the wind hits their faces!)  Gays in the bag.  Chrisses, your next stop is The View, where you will be pawed at by four ladies and Bruce Jenner (It is Guy-day Friday after all).  You will answer questions like “Were you always into comic books?” “Was there ever a moment on set when you couldn’t believe your luck as an actor?” and “Why are you so pretty?”  Ladies and further gays in the bag!

I wonder what they all wish they were doing instead of this...

Next actor! Robert Downey, Jr., Iron Man.  All snark and shrewd experience.  Where the Chrisses are eager, Downey’s stardust is in his carelessness.  Mr. Jr., your role in this marketing strategy is to make the jackoff sign with your hand when everyone else talks about respecting source material.  But when you make the jackoff sign, do it with your eyes.  Downey chats about the film with an easy, “ain’t no thang” grace.  He may even blow a scene or two in an interview.  That cad doesn’t worry none ’bout spoilers.  Mr. Jr. has been arrested on heavy drug possession before, he won’t sweat the spoiler police.

Maybe you'll think next time before you start blabbing about who the villain will be in the next movie.

Next actor!  Mark Ruffalo, The Hulk, the brains of the operation.  Mr. Ruffalo, your film pedigree and liberal hipster hippitude will convey that the movie has a whiff of elevation.  Come on, boy, let’s get some of that indie magic to rub off on us!  Compare the movie to a metaphor for America; several strong egos and viewpoints that need to reach across the aisle to defeat common enemies.  Yeah, that’ll do the trick.  It’s, of course, bullshit.  It’s a terribly exciting movie, and that confection sounds nice, but come on, if that metaphor reads even once in the movie itself, it’s only at the volume of an episode of Glee or a Burger King Kids Club commercial.

He fought to have Karen O do the soundtrack, but lost due to the case of "Theatregoers vs. Where the Wild Things Are"

Final actor!!  Samuel L. Jackson, Nick Fury, the hothead.  Mr. Jackson, sir.  We just love it when you blow your stacks on someone.  We need you to be a pinch hitter; swoop in and read the riot act to any poor schmoe critic who might be experiencing Superhero Movie Fatigue.  A.O. Scott of the New York Times, or as Sam Jackson might say “The New York Fuckin’ Times,” reviewed The Avengers in a way that, I swear, read as mildly positive, save for a general pontificating that a movie with so much CG hooptedoodle got a little much after awhile.  Mr. Jackson immediately tweeted that Mr. Scott needs a new job (the actual tweet contained a lot more CAPS and Exclamation Points!).

If you say anything bad about the movie, he'll have you fired. Seriously. Keep your mouth shut, or he will fuck you in the tweet.

Having seen the movie myself, I have to see where Scott’s coming from.  The movie was a Brinks truck of fun, and it never pretended to be anything it wasn’t, but indestructible superheroes and never-ending CG creature action is turning every big studio movie into an arms race of how much crazy crap we can throw at you for how long a sustained period of time.

For every superhero movie you see, you must read one Elmore Leonard novel.

If you think I’m being a big no fun, a real Inner Child-denier, tell it to my Batman underwear and listen to the thunder.  Something about Avengers is making more than just A.O. Scott crack up under the strain.  Roger Ebert and Lisa Schwarzbaum of Entertainment Weekly both reviewed the movie with sentences that looked like baggy eyes.  With so much branding out there, these characters struggle (even through Joss Whedon’s much witty dialoguing) to be more than properties, corporate commodities, forever repeating, forever multiplying, like CG robot centipede snake alien ninjas.

The last Matrix movie, all Transformers movies, the final two Lord of the Rings, the Clash of the Titans movies, Avatar and Avengers are all showcases of CG orgies that last up to and over an hour, all part of the same 80′s coke party where no one ever wants to come down…

Which means at some point it won’t just come down, but will crash down.  And then no drugs for anybody.  Ask Mr. Jr., he knows.

Written by guest writer Marcus Kaye

You didn’t read that wrong. It’s not supposed to say a problem with “bullies.” Bullies are already a problem. A huge problem. Over 10% of children are bullied every day. A number of those children go on to kill themselves. And while there has been a movement to bring awareness to the issue, nothing has been made a bigger deal than the Lee Hirsch directed documentary entitled Bully. The Weinstein Company distributed documentary made waves when the MPAA slammed it with an R rating. The Weinstein Company made waves trying to defend the documentary. Celebrities from Justin Bieber to Rosie O’Donnell to Channing Tatum took to twitter to support the film. Children need to see this, they argued. THIS is the movie that brings light to the bullying issue that so many of them face, they argued. This movie disturbed me- this issue disturbs me, they argued. And because of them people turned out to see the documentary. A PG-13 version of the documentary (that keeps the “vital scene” in which one kid tells another that he will kill him) is circulating schools. People everyone are taking to social media (and social interaction) to proclaim how great and moving the documentary is.

So what’s the problem with Bully?

It isn’t very good. I support what they tried to do. I support the conversations it’s sparked, but why – when given one movie to go through the school system- are we not sending out our very best material? Kudos to the distribution monster that is The Weinstein Company. You’ve got the world eating out of the palm of your hand. You took a mediocre film, made a buzz and got it everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

But it’s not good.

Of all the children in the world being bullied, these are the stories you chose to tell? I left the movie thinking… this is it? There had to be more. A proposition to a solution! A suggestion of cause! An in depth look at the psychological effects of bullying on children as they grow! Something. Anything to make me remember it. But it’s forgettable. Every single story in that movie is forgettable. The stories are weak, and the issues children are facing ARE worse than being depicted in this documentary. The one gay child in this film is completely well adjusted and not having an issue. The main child in this film isn’t even aware he’s being bullied. We see the bullying, but we don’t see the effect. And without the effect, it’s hard to care.

And what’s worse is that people are going about touting how great the documentary is. How much it moved them and made them think- because heaven forbid they tell the truth: it’s not good.

After all that – all the audiences and children and school watching the film, all the publicity and outcry, all the accolades and support-  I just wish Bully was…. better.