How I respond to EVERYONE is important. God never made my mistakes into a funny story. He doesn’t laugh when I mess up. He’s never been angry with me without reason. I don’t annoy him. I’m not his project. He doesn’t look over me so he can get to someone more important to him. He doesn’t judge me or ignore me or manipulate me.

But I do that. Casually, intentionally, subconsciously, however I do it, it happens. But what God DOES do is forgive me. Even for those things. I’m so glad.

- - - - - - -

In a very simplistic sense, you can look at the Bible as a textbook or as a novel - both of which you can learn from, but each carrying some serious perspective differences. I’m learning how to approach the Bible and my faith as an ongoing story, not a set of facts to regurgitate. A narrative of the journey that God wants to lead. For most of my spiritual life I’ve focused so much on learning and understanding and knowing more ABOUT the Christian life and so little on the reason it all even matters.

The stories of believers in Scripture, cover to cover, are stories of intimate relationship. Jesus walked in our dirty world and suffered for a people who not only fail to deserve it, but who so often throw the offer of undeserved love and grace right back in his face. I can’t accept that everything he gave was with the intention of birthing a people who know all about him and live a respectable life in his name but can’t recognize his voice or truly know his presence. I started running from what I saw as the “Christian life” because it was fully attainable even if God isn’t who he claims to be. Because I couldn’t hold to a faith in him that didn’t need him. Fortunately God caught me first.

What Moses begged for and the only thing I believe can actually satisfy the deepest need of the human soul is an intimate relationship with God. I’ve tried so many different angles to accomplish that without realizing that what I needed first was to be captivated by his presence and to allow him to teach me what it means to be in love with him. I wanted to know his will without walking with an open ear to his voice. And I watered down what “God’s voice” meant until it became frighteningly subjective and sounded an awful lot like my feelings justifying my plans.

I believe that God’s heart for me is for a relationship. For a real, supernatural dialogue. For a closeness. For me to crave his presence. For me to know what it means to be lead by his Spirit. For obedience and a right way of life that stem from friendship and adoration and trust rather than from obligation or good habits. I really do believe in and desperately need all of those things. So here we go…

I have to learn lessons the hard way. A lot of us do. Learning to love that well is not an easy process. Just like the prostitute who broke at the feet of Jesus in Luke 7, loving deeply is a sign that you are aware of the depth of forgiveness you have received. “He who has been forgiven little, loves little.” It is the utmost arrogance to believe that you weren’t horrifically flawed when you were trying this thing on your own - and none of us would probably claim that we weren’t. Love is a characteristic mark that we grasp how much we needed what we never deserved. The alternative is the sign that we think the ones we judge are less worthy than we are, like Simon only saw that the woman was a sinner and judged her unworthy of Jesus’ attention.

As God reminds me more and more of what I become when I run away from his guidance, as I fall flat on my face time and time again ashamed of the depth I am capable of falling to on my own, he is creating in me a heart that judges no one and longs to see the love I have been pursued with showered on the ones I once turned away from. Not that I have it all down yet, because I don’t - but my heart is being re-tuned to seek mercy over justice and forgiveness over criticism.

Because I’ve been forgiven of SO much. May I never waste such a huge love.

I don’t handle it well.

I’m learning a lot about myself, and that tops the list. Some people can take uncertainty and seemingly hopeless situations with the utmost outward grace and composure - I just don’t happen to be one of them. My plans usually have a defined end result, and beyond that I would just rather…not. Most days I’d prefer the stuff I screw up on my own than passively wait for life to hit a surprise line drive straight to my stomach. The things I can’t understand or predict or map out about following Jesus even scare me silly because - what happens when I get to them and things don’t go like I think they should? What do you do with all of the questions? Worse, what happens if you never find the answers? But guess what? If I keep living my life that way, I’m going nowhere and learning nothing. I’m getting know me well enough to see the gracelessness coming and fight back instead of running away.

Believe it or not, my “personal development map” at work this summer includes a nice section about Dealing with Ambiguity. Do you know how you learn to deal better with ambiguity on the job? You take something you don’t understand and you DIVE IN. Have faith. Ask questions when you need to, but take a deep breath and actually make a decision. Right or wrong, you keep moving. Always keep moving. Not running away, but moving towards something positive. Never get derailed by your mistakes or unexpected results. Learn. Grow. Be scared and keep moving. Keep moving even when you’re not sure where you’re going. Break something and take the opportunity to put it back together - I bet you won’t break it next time. Trip over your own two feet, or plant that foot securely in your mouth, and then get back up on those same feet and KEEP MOVING.

Funny - that applies to so many things. Here’s to the journey and the people who keep me moving along the way. You’re my heroes.

Why, you ask? Because today at 12:42 pm I bought a Macbook. Anybody have a suggestion for a name??

Yes indeed, my IBM is breathing its last few labored breaths and making its own funeral plans (I have a few ideas for how I might “mourn”…)

I’ve actually been happy to be laptop-less for the summer. I waste INFINITELY less time without one. My puppy has appreciated the extra few blocks on her walks stemming from my lack of after-office connection to the rest of the world. Here’s to hoping I’m a well-adjusted user now that I’ve seen that I really CAN log off for the better part of a few months!

My two big purchases this summer have been a mountain bike and a flippin awesome laptop. I don’t know when I have ever enjoyed two items more. I’ve made measurable improvements in my endurance from peddling (slowly, sure) up steep mountain paths and generally biking around town, and I can understand enough about computers to be excited about the ownership of the shiny new mac that I am presently publishing this post from.

I’m thankful. I live temporarily in a beautiful city, I have the opportunity to get out and exercise and enjoy God’s gorgeous creation, a great job that pays well, and a college education in the making. I’m discovering potential career paths that excite me and give me the opportunity to use the gifts and passions I was designed with. I don’t want to take any of that for granted, or anything else for that matter. There’s just not enough time in a life to spend any great amount of it miserable.

My mom literally counts her blessings every morning. On days like today I’m inescapably reminded of mine.

-Oswald Chambers

But that’s what we do with almost all of the people we meet every day, isn’t it? We start reading on page 582, at that very moment. We get written into their story as anything from an extra to a main character. That means that we don’t have the whole book at our disposal yet - and so, from time to time, I think about the best way to get to know people.

If I could have the honest answer to one question, it would be simple. “Who are you?”

Not every detail about your personality, not your likes and dislikes, not your style or your attitude. Not even “Who do you want to be?” Take a look at what your life says about you - how would you sum up who you right now are at your very core in just a few words? Words like: disciple of Christ, encourager, leader, listener, peacemaker, adventurer, artist, loyal friend…

Most of us want words like those to describe us. I would argue that more often than not, my story and those of many others paints us as selfish, unoriginal, preoccupied, lazy, insincere, fearful, negative, uncommitted, misguided, opportunistic…

My challenge to myself and to anyone else who is willing to be honest is this: allow God to change you, making your story align with the answer to that question that he created you to give.

Reading makes me feel like myself. I become more attuned to the reactions of people around me after analyzing even fictional characters, and I’m almost instantly more observant. I actually feel like a more interesting person to talk to. There’s something about filling my brain with someone else’s carefully edited vocabulary and sentence structure that improves my ability to express myself.

How many times have you heard someone defend a film adaptation with the line, “Trust me, the book is SO much better…” I think the truth of the matter is that movies and television really do act like anesthesia. They force pictures complete with color and tone and inflection and detail and context into your head, requiring nothing beyond sensory acceptance. You are an incredibly inactive link in the transmission of information. When you read a novel, the thing you need is your eyesight to take in the typed words on the page. The beauty of literature is that a good writer can use simple language to create multi-sensory world entirely conjured by the reader’s imagination. Ink and paper actually inspire a more intense experience than hours of light and motion on screen because almost everything has to be invented by the reader. The greatest writers are those whose works have the ability to lead you into exactly the places and feelings they plan for you while maintaining a heavy dependence on individual imagination.

When I get too boring, please hand me a book. I think I’m starting to understand how effective a cure it really is for my occasional mathematically-induced comas.

We know and believe in heartbreaking tragedy, loss, horror, and pain. We readily accept the worst, comforted by the idea that life never was fair to begin with.

Yet somehow, we can’t allow ourselves to believe in outright goodness. We used to imagine that beauty, peace, loyalty, honor, and love existed untainted - somewhere, at least. Poetry was not considered a waste of time and emotion. It was possible to look at the immensity of creation and find yourself breathless. Sometimes the prince really did rescue the princess and live happily ever after.

No, nothing is scrutinized more thoroughly than what claims to be good.

I’m not suggesting that perfect fairytales are reasonable or that disappointment doesn’t exist. I would just like to imagine that people are capable of compassion, that love can be found in a true soul mate, that friendship can be selfless, and that laughter can heal. I have to believe in those things just as I believe in their opposites.

“It would be nearly impossible to bear the most hideous of evils if not for the most beautiful of justices.”

I took a basic ethics course my freshman year of college for which I was assigned an article on the issue of subjective happiness, stemming from the issue of whether an absolute right and wrong existed. This statement was made, and it stuck with me. In a strict sense, it is true - my dog loves having her ears scratched and seems to consider it the utmost source of happiness, but I could make the argument that the happiness I experience in the beauty of a spectacular sunset or in wonderful close friendships is so much more desireable, and she is simply unaware that she is missing out. Are we experiencing similar levels of happiness only because she is not aware that such things can be enjoyed? Are we experiencing similar levels of happiness at all? Is there any way to know or any reason to ask that question?

Ultimately, I don’t know and I don’t think it’s vital that I try to understand it. But I will say this - I have been blessed with a life full of joy, even in some of the worst circumstances. If I even try to use someone else’s life as a standard for happiness, I will either end up too satisfied or too discontent. So many times I get “the grass is always greener” syndrome, where I assume that if I had THAT __________ , life would be better. Other times, I have the reverse problem when I assume that since I don’t have to deal with __________ or didn’t get mixed up in __________ , I must be so much happier than the person to whom those blanks apply.

Truth is, it doesn’t matter. I could spend the rest of my life analyzing whether or not I am happy living it. Ultimately, I would NOT be happy because I really don’t enjoy philosophical thought beyond a reasonable point. And the point of life (though I can’t give you a short and sweet philosophical definition for that either) is not my happiness - that’s just a byproduct.

I’m going to spend the rest of my life enjoying what I can and intentionally avoiding situations in which I might find myself becoming discontent based on my perception of someone else’s life. Call me escapist, I don’t care - I have much more important things to live for.