We now know love is an important value to him, so unless he felt important he wouldn’t give his love to her as a punishment. He didn’t want to reward her behaviour.

Of course this scared her and so she became more anxious resulting in her communicating her fear which is translated by him as not being respectful and unloving.

He saw her behaviours as unloving but, in reality so was he!

He would only give love and respect if she did. This means she is the strength in the relationship and he is in conflict with his own values.

By pulling love away he is not showing her resect or love, but he says this is important so now he is inconflict with himself and her. In fact he had so many rules for love and respect that for him to feel loved was not easy and she knew it hence her years of fears.

Unconditional love was one of their solutions, but both felt too fearful to give it. If the role of the man is to keep his family safe and secure and if he has gone to fear who is looking after her? Her fear now doubles and over time she sees him as weaker than her, he become less attractive and so the intimacy dies, of course all he will feel is the loss of her respect.

She now resents him because she feels to stay in the relationship she cannot be her. For some this can lead to depression.

So what does your partner expect from you, that you know they can’t, or won’t give?

If you need help please don’t hesitate to make contact.

Are you aware of what you create from these two directions of focus? If not then this post is for you.

Our perceptions are very powerful, it puts meaning to situations and our lives, those meanings then craft our behaviours, and our behaviours craft our futures.

I will use money as an example to demonstrate this principal because we can all relate to money, but this example could easily be related to relationships, careers or any problem we face.

For example: Let say the person has no money. No matter how positive the person gets at the end of the day they still have no money. So a positive focus alone doesn’t create more money!

So no matter how they dress it up, and they could fake happiness, but they would still have no money, so what’s the point? The result of this perspective is the person runs their habitual coping pattern which keeps them in a poor state emotionally, focused on what’s wrong in their lives.

The surface problem here is a “lack of money”, the perspective/focus is on the “lack of money”. If the person decides to see this as bad, they put themselves in an emotionally resourceless state always focused on what’s wrong.

The way our mind works is any focus is actually a goal, so a “lack of money” becomes their goal. Being negative, upset, down on the world is the perfect state for NOT creating money so they always live a life with a “lack of money”!

The longer they have no money the more they feel they have proof it only happens to others so they give up.

If they focused their mind to what they want i.e. “creating money” and creation of a plan to achieve it, they will create a different emotional state, seeing the quest for money as an adventure a challenge, even fun.

Most at this stage will block themselves again by focusing on another problem i.e. “I don’t know how to do it?” So the mind complies and shows them how NOT to do it. They now receive more proof towards the bad and the emotional downward spiral continues!

If you want amazing things to happen in your life you have to generate the right version of you to create it. If you want more money there is so much information around teaching the principals.

Will it happen overnight? Probably not, but within a few years anyone from no money could create a plan that would significantly change their financial status and most people have a few years.

With anything you want you need to focus on what you want and create a plan to get it.

No plan is a plan too, it is a plan to fail.

With relationships the model is the same. A person is so focused on what’s wrong with their relationship they miss what’s good and so the fear becomes their focus, and therfore their goal.

The result the relationship bit-by-bit dies.

So one emotional state is consistently proven to NOT work in all areas of our lives, this is the focus on what’s wrong!

Do this and failure and a life of “lack” is guaranteed.

What you NOW do is up to you!

Do you really want to wait for your problems to go away? Most don’t, but what they do makes the problems stay.

There are very powerful ways a person can make their problems stay without knowing.

One is No Action ignore the problem, two is the fear of taking the Wrong Action, just one of these two choices will cause problems, both of these will help the person stay paralyzed for years.

For example a person who has been hurt through relationships creates a wonderful solution, no more relationships! Whilst a relationship can no longer hurt them the lack of love and connection will.

So eventually, maybe after a few years they will desire a relationship again, but they will be so locked down through fear, almost waiting for things to go wrong they end up without knowing creating the problems that destroy their new relationship.

In essence the fear becomes the focus and so thus their goal. The only way goals work is if they become your focus. Focus on what you want and where you are going.

So what is the miracle cure for our problems?

Action: Action is the miracle cure! Discover the actions the steps you need to take to free yourself from your problems.

If you don’t know, don’t live with the problem find out which actions will become your solution.

It’s really interesting couples come to me saying they have tried everything! It’s like they have given themselves a permission to give up. What they have tried is what they know and if what they know is limited then their action will also be limited.

Most are really shocked at how much they don’t know about themselves, each other and their relationship.

So the action is simple if you don’t know what to do, or the solutions you have created have not worked then you may be missing the actions that do work.

If you want to rid yourself of your problems and you can’t find the solution take the action of getting help today!

So now they can only be honest to friends, family, children and this hurts the relationship and so resentment starts to grow.

Honesty is a powerful word sometimes linked to trust. Most of us would agree that we want honesty in our relationships. It is a key factor in building successful relationships.

When honesty and trust are mentioned many people go to thoughts of affairs, or not being able to trust your partner with members of the opposite sex.

Whilst this is true the words trust and honesty are much broader in meaning and power.

For example: I discover in sessions that many women are not communicating the truth of how they feel to their partner through fear of their partner leaving them. This is one of many combinations couples experience.

This lack of honesty will create a conflict within them and so they change how they behave without knowing. They become unhappy due to this conflict and as a result they pull away to protect themselves and their partner feels it.

Bit-by-bit the relationship is dying.

So the person in this place feels they cannot trust their partner to stay with them or look after them and they also cannot trust themselves to be honest about how they feel.

Honesty and trust in all forms are critical. You need to be in a situation where you can be you and your partners’ mission is to help you develop and become the person you want to be in the life you want to live.

Of course that has to your mission too, but without the honest circulation of trust and honesty the relationship cannot and will not grow and so if it’s not growing it’s dying.

Is that what you want? If not then communicate, if you can’t communicate then you need help before if gets worse.

If this is you then this is important to know and could change your life…

If you wanted to discover the cure to many of your life problems starting at understanding the immense power of your own values would be a wonderful beginning to a successful life in control of your direction and what happens to you.

Values are the foundation of your emotional life, in other words how you focus and experience the world. If you are not aware of what they are and how they are set-up and working within you, you may find your emotions run you.

Most people are in this place, they live in reaction to their world always moving away from painful feelings, constantly focused internally, going round-and-round in their minds looking for solutions never finding answers. They end up living in smaller and smaller worlds in their quest to control their fears.

The transformation I see clients go through when they understand their values is remarkable, the more extreme their problem the bigger the change they feel.

What the values session does is helps the client understand in detail why their life has been unwinnable. As the client goes through the process they start to learn what they have been focused on consciously and subconsciously without realising and why it works so well to hurt them.

I use this process a lot to help clients remove their fearful states so they can learn new ways to feel safe within themselves. Essentially they discover tools for putting control back into their life, but in a way that frees them to be who they were really designed to be.

This is especially powerful with couples because the individuals in the relationship discover that they can create a wonderful life for themselves no matter what, this takes the pressure off their relationship and focuses them on becoming an amazing version of themselves.

They are able to become amazing partners from this place and instantly become really attractive to be with. This results in a total change of focus towards a life they want.

Now their focus is no longer automatically directed towards destructive feelings such as loss, rejection, worthlessness, feeling unloved, anger etc .

As the person discovers how their fears had controlled their life and how irrational those fears are today, they now embrace a new ways of focusing and behaving in the world and in their relationships.

Thus freeing them to live the life they were born to live…

Would you like to experience this? If so call my office and request a values session.