Step Parenting with Grace

New Blog at http://stepparentingwithgrace.wordpress.com

2012-02-13T15:57:00.000-06:00

This blog has moved! Please join us at: http://stepparentingwithgrace.wordpress.com/

Thank you!

Gayla Grace

Somedays It's All About Perspective

2012-01-26T10:34:00.003-06:00

"The toilet's overflowing Mom!" My son's words echoed down the hall from my room. I walked into the bathroom to a small stream of water running onto the floor. My son was holding a plunger, prepared for action. But as we watched, the water began to subside and we decided to flush. That was a mistake!

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Water poured over the toilet lid, out the bathroom and down the hall. I couldn't stop the gushing water! I began plunging furiously, water spilling out on all sides. Thankfully, the clog was quickly relieved and water began moving in the other direction - down the toilet!

As the clean up effort began, my son and I both lost track time of time (my husband was already at work). Before we realized it, the clock reminded us we were running late. As I drove my son to school, I knew he would be tardy.

I reflected on my week as I drove home with a heavy heart and deflated spirit. Just days before I had learned one of the few friends I have in our new town was moving soon. That same day I dealt with our leaking swimming pool that had an unknown source and was requiring water every other day to keep it full. I began thinking about the tuition bills piled on my desk for a new semester with our three college kids. My spirit began spiraling to match the dreariness of the weather.

When I arrived home I read a prayer request from my aunt concerning a custody battle her son is enduring with his two daughters. Her son's heart is broken as he's restricted from being a part of his children's lives. It's a bitter battle with little hope of a fair judgment.

It prompted me to be thankful for the part I get to play in my children and stepchildren's lives. Our relationships aren't perfect and our family interactions aren't always harmonious, but I'm thankful for the role I have. We've been down the custody battle road, and I'm thankful we're not there today.

With four children living outside our home as young adults, I don't know all that is happening every day. But I do know if they need something, they will call. Somedays it's a shoulder to cry on, somedays it's an opinion on a pressing issue, somedays it's a little extra money to get by until their next paycheck. But today, I'm thankful for unrestricted visitation and communication with our children.

Life is hard. Life is stressful. But, somedays it's all about perspective. Now please excuse me while I go wash towels.

How is Your Perspective? Does it Need an Overhaul Today?

Related Posts:

You Don't Have to be Super Stepmom

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

Nuggets of Wisdom from Laura Petherbridge, co-author of "The Smart Stepmom"

2012-01-23T09:51:00.000-06:00

I had the privilege of attending the first "stepmom retreat" this week-end in Dallas, hosted by http://www.blendedandbonded.com/ with Laura Petherbridge speaking. It was a wonderful time of connecting with stepmoms from around the country, meeting stepmom friends I talk with on Twitter and FB, and hearing some nuggets of wisdom from long-time stepmom Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom.

I want to share a few thoughts I came away with that spoke to my heart in hopes of encouraging you in your stepparenting role. Many I had heard before but they were good reminders for me.

1. God can teach me how to love kids who are hurting me. I ask Him to help me see them through His eyes and He does. "Chosen" love is still love. I can choose to love my stepchildren.

2. Children are fiercely loyal to a biological parent, even if the parent is unkind, abusive, detached, or emotionally unstable. The more dysfunctional the other biological parent is, the less likely the stepchild will bond with the stepparent. I can't control that.

3. All stepfamilies are formed due to loss. Re-marriage is viewed as another loss for children and the children are at least two years behind the parents in the grieving process. Give them time to heal.

4. Money is going to be tight. My husband is OBLIGATED by God to support his children (I Timothy 5:8). They didn't chose a stepmother or more siblings.

5. The children who do the best after divorce are those who maintain a healthy relationship with both parents. Stepchildren need alone time with their biological parent, without the stepparent.

6. God will reward your efforts. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

There is so much more I could share, but instead I encourage you to read Laura's book. She has walked the path and offers reality with encouragement through her writing.

Do you need encouragement today? What nugget of wisdom spoke to you?

Related Posts:

Marriage is Not Always Blissful, Especially in Blended Families

Tip for Healthy Stepparenting: Learn to Cope with Rejection

Mantra for Stepparents: Don't Take it Personally

Will You Commit to Unwavering Effort and Prayers on Your Stepfamily Journey?

2012-01-18T08:26:00.000-06:00

"Observe the ant," the great oriental conquerorTamerlane told his friends. In relating a story from his early life, he said, "I once was forced to take shelter from my enemies in a dilapidated building,where I sat alone for many hours.

Wishing to divert my mind from my hopeless situation, I fixed my eyes on an ant carrying a kernel of corn larger than itself up a high wall. I counted its attempts to accomplish this feat. The corn fell sixty-nine times to the ground, but the insect persevered. The seventieth time it reached the top. The ant's accomplishment gave me courage for the moment, and I never forgot the lesson." (Quoted in Streams in the Desert devotional, from The King's Business.)

Tamerlane was a Central Asian conqueror and a brilliant military leader in the late 1300s who fought without wavering and gained control of a vast region including Iraq, Armenia, Mesopotamia, Georgia, Russia, and parts of India. He died on an expedition to conquer China.

So how do we relate Tamerlane to our stepfamily journey? Stepparenting requires unwavering effort. And we may not accomplish all that we desire in our lifetime. But that doesn't mean we quit.

We may not see the rewards that Tamerlane did either. We might see very few earthly rewards. But God recognizes our efforts and will reward us.

I've been praying for a precious two-year-old girl, Stella, who was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her parents lost her sister, Charlotte, a few years ago to a different illness and were devastated when yet another child was handed a dismal prognosis. Yet, despite the overwhelming odds, their prayers for their daughter's healing are unwavering.

As I read the mom's CaringBridge post this morning, her raw emotions tugged at my heart, but she doesn't stop asking for a miracle for her baby. Here is an excerpt:

"So it seems the cancer cells are putting pressure on the brain causing Stella to have seizures. They currently have her heavily sedated while they attempt to control the seizures. As far as I am concerned nothing revealed on the current MRI will change that this is a setback and we have to push on. Dr Saylors confirms this and we are not quitting hoping and praying that our final result will be the complete healing of our Stella Rose.

We are battered but not broken. So many parts of this are reminiscent of watching our Charlotte and I can say this is difficult for everyone who sees her. She is hooked up to a lot of tubes right now, had many fluids and is swollen because of this. ...

Pray for the seizures to get well controlled with medications, pray we get to start chemo as planned and pray we get our Stella back before the next step begins. As always ask God for a miracle."

Does your stepfamily need a miracle? Will you commit to unwavering effort and prayers on your stepfamily journey?

Related Posts:

God's Timing is Different Than Ours

Parenting From Your Knees

Stepfamily Detours - Where Are You Headed?

Lessons Learned about Stepparenting from Tim Tebow

2012-01-12T10:36:00.001-06:00

If you're a football fan (or even if you're not), you've likely heard the ongoing publicity surrounding Tim Tebow. Tebow is currently the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos and has made a name for himself with his unorthodox QB skill set and frequent display of religious devotion.

americanfreepress.net

He's a guy that's easy to like with his tenacious spirit and committed attitude toward living for the Lord. But in addition to being a good guy, his life demonstrates some takeaway thoughts related to stepparenting. Here's a few:

1. Prayer can turn bad into good. Tim Tebow's mother contracted amoebic dysentry while a missionary with her husband in the Phillipines, and was treated with strong antibiotics before realizing she was pregnant. Her doctors advised her to abort, assuring her the baby would be severely disabled due to the drugs.

She refused to abort because of her faith and, instead, prayed for a healthy son. Tim Tebow was born August 14, 1987, reportedly malnourished, but healthy. Nothing is too big for God.

2. There's more than one way to reach success. Tebow has been criticized for his awkward throwing motion, his inaccuracy in passing completions, and his unorthodox method of playing. But you can't deny his quarterback success as his team heads to the AFC Divisional Round this Saturday night.

In similar fashion, stepparenting success is reached in different ways. There's not only one way that works. Determine the techniques that will bond and strengthen relationships in your stepfamily and execute them.

3. Don't give up, regardless of what others are saying. If Tebow had listened to his critics at the beginning of the season, he would have never won a football game. Instead, he continued to believe in himself and work toward his goals, despite the opposition.

Stepfamilies are given a bad rap. Statistics tell us that 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. But those statistics don't have to apply to us. Believe in yourself and your ability for long-term success in your stepparenting relationships and don't look back. Refuse to quit even when it's hard.

Tim Tebow is not perfect but his example gives some thoughts to ponder as we relate it to stepparenting challenges.

Do you agree? What are your thoughts?

Related Posts:

Character that Counts

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

When Stepfamily Life Gets Messy...

2012-01-10T08:30:00.013-06:00

Do you have triggers that send your emotions over the edge quicker than you want to admit? Unfortunately, I do and one of them is the emotional struggle with my ex-husband.

I've had a difficult week as a result of his out-of-town visit with my daughters. The girls get caught in the middle between trying to do the right thing but honoring their embittered feelings toward him due to the unstable history of their relationship.

As a parent, I still feel responsible for helping them make wise choices when they call for advice, as my 18-year-old did the night her dad arrived. I was not malicious, but honest, when I explained to her that she needed to take care of herself and not get caught in an unhealthy situation, despite the poor choice her dad was making. Unfortunately, because of a history of addiction, drama and misshappenings surround him, but I have always sought to keep the girls from being entangled in it.

And the situation becomes more complicated now that we live four hours away and I can't rescue the girls from their dad's inappropriate behavior. But I can still coach them through sticky circumstances, teaching them how to protect themselves from others' bad choices.

I wish it didn't have to be this way. But it is. Life is messy. But I refuse to give in. My children may have unhealthy influences in their lives, but my current husband and I can continue to offer stable influences that overshadow others. Healthy role models are hard to ignore and will have a positive influence in the long run.

I have spent years teaching my daughters, 18 and 21 years old, the dangers of addiction and the consequences to bad choices. They are now seeing painful consequences played out in a defeated life. But I rest on the hope that my words and behavior have not been wasted and am thankful to watch healthy lifestyle choices played out as my daughters navigate their young adult years.

In what area is your stepfamily life messy? Will you make a commitment to sort through the messiness? If so,will you please share about it?

Related Posts:

It's Always Too Early to Quit

Dear Stepparent: Never Underestimate Your Value With Your Stepchild

Coping with Stepfamily Drama

Five Practical Tips for Successful Stepparenting

2012-01-05T07:30:00.000-06:00

Because it's the first week of the new year, I see ideas on how to better ourselves at every turn. So it made me think about what practical tips I would give for someone hoping to better their stepparenting relationships.

If you read my blog often you probably know that the first tip I would suggest is to center your life around God and seek His guidance for you and your family. Take practical steps toward spiritual growth - consistent prayer, Bible study, and fellowship with other believers - to allow for spiritual maturity that will benefit all of your relationships.

The second tip I offer for successful stepparenting is to maintain a united front with your spouse. Don't allow disagreements over the kids to impede on your marital relationship. Discuss "kid issues" in private and reach a mutual decision over behavior before addressing a child. Allow the biological parent to address disciplinary actions of his/her child whenever possible.

The third tip I suggest is to learn how to resolve conflict. Research shows that stepfamilies have more conflict, on average, than traditional families so it's important for you to know how to manage it. If you need help in this area, seek outside services. Don't resort to using intimidation, manipulation, or avoidance. Learn the skills you need to properly address conflict and resolve it or it will haunt you and your relationships.

Tip #4 for successful stepparenting is to commit to do your part to create peaceful relationships. I don't have to define what "your part" means in a peacemaking role. Each of us knows what we need to do to promote peace in our home. The decision we must make is this: are we willing to do the "hard stuff" in our relationships? Are we willing to be the bigger person? Will we commit to take the high road, regardless of how our stepchild behaves?

The fifth tip I suggest is to maintain a separate identity of who you are outside your stepparenting role. This might seem like an odd tip for successful stepparenting but it's an important one because it allows for better objectivity in your stepparenting role.

I didn't grasp this for a long time and it almost destroyed me in the early years of our marriage. My identity centered on being a good mom and stepmom. Therefore, on difficult stepparenting days (which were often in the beginning) I felt like a complete failure. But when I learned to recognize that my stepparenting role was only one part of who I was, I could walk away from difficult stepparenting interactions and objectively identify what went wrong and how to fix it. It also enables me to recognize that my stepchildren play a role in what kind of relationship we have and I am only repsonsible for my part.

Five practical tips with a meaningful punch to enable successful stepparenting in 2012 and beyond.

Do you agree? Do you have other tips to offer? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

Related Posts:

Steps for Successful Stepparenting

Positive Thinking Elicits Successful Stepparenting

Is It a Privilege to be a Stepparent?

God is Enough for the Stepfamily Struggle You Face

2012-01-03T10:02:00.000-06:00

I just finished reading God Enough: Trusting God when Life Doesn't Make Sense by Kasey Lowery Ewing. It's a beautiful story of God's faithfulness through a horrific loss as Kasey tells her story of losing her two-year-old son in an accident.

But it's not an easy story to read. As a mom/stepmom, I can identify with Kasey's raw emotions and personal struggle over a situation she can't control. I understand her need to make sense of something she can never make sense of. And I admire her courage to heal her broken heart and look to the Lord for guidance for her tough questions and comfort for her pain.

Kasey writes about a close childhood friend who watched her daddy die of cancer and offers a statement her friend wrote in her grief: "It is well with my soul, but I am not alright."

Kasey says, "This one quote resonated very deep inside me and describes how I felt that summer after Jake's death. I was not okay, but it was well with my soul. There was a deep underlying trust that God was going to get us through."

I"ve felt that same way with our stepfamily struggles many times - I was not okay but I trusted God would see us through. The future was uncertain but I knew God had a plan.

Can you relate? Are you facing a struggle in your stepfamily that you don't have answers for? Trust that God will see you through. Ask Him the tough questions, expectantly waiting for answers.

As we look to a new year it's easy to identify what went wrong last year and what we want to change this year. But if we do it on our own accord, we will fail. Only as we seek and trust the Lord for answers will we find the right answers for our struggles.

Do you believe God is enough? Did you see God's hand in your stepfamily struggles last year? Will you encourage others and share them with us?

Related Posts:

"Will You Trust Me?" said the Lord

Making Resolutions that Count

Let Go and Let God

2012 - Making it Your Best Year Yet

2011-12-29T11:41:00.000-06:00

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day." -Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Do you make New Year's Resolutions? I usually make several but I can't say I'm all that good at keeping them.

So this year, I'm making only two and I'm writing them down so I can refer to them and see how I'm doing.

My first resolution applies to my walk with the Lord. I want to seek obedience to God's call in every area of my life as I strive for a more commited walk. However, I must consider that success of my actions is determined by whether I'm obedient to God's request of me, not the end result of my efforts.

For example, if I believe God is calling me to strive for a stronger relationship with my stepchild, I will take small steps every day to show unconditional love and acceptance toward him/her. I will pray for my stepchild to soften his/her heart toward me and accept me as an additional parent in his/her life.

But, I won't weigh the success of my efforts on the reaction of my stepchild. My personal experience reminds me that sometimes my efforts don't matter because my stepchild is in too much pain or confusion to accept my gestures. But that doesn't mean my efforts are futile.

Although my stepson couldn't accept my attempts toward a loving relationship with him during his adolescent years, he now appreciates the efforts I made, and accepts me as an additional parent who loves and cares about him as a 21-year-old young adult.

My second resolution for 2012 is to banish negativity from my thoughts and behavior. 2011 was a difficult year for our family and I fell into a trap of negative thinking in more areas than I want to admit. I allowed my negative thinking to influence my behavior, manifested in selfish actions as a result of our out-of-state move.

I focused on my loneliness and feelings of displacement, instead of God's provision and guidance after my husband lost his job. I became entangled in a web of self-pity as I questioned God repeatedly on why He moved us four hours away from our three children back in college, instead of simply accepting God's plan and allowing Him to guide me through the difficult days.

Negative thinking becomes a powerful motivator when we allow it to control us. I've seen it destroy stepfamily relationships when a stepparent focuses on the negative behavior of his/her stepchild instead of the positive potential that can be created through a loving relationship. I've seen step-couples allow negative thinking to tear down marital bonds when they give up on peaceful communication, instead of creating positive ideas toward harmony.

But it doesn't have to be that way. We can strive to banish negativity from our everyday thoughts and behavior. The choice is ours.

Simple resolutions with a powerful punch. That's what I'm striving for in the upcoming year. I think I'll start today.

What about you? Will you share your resolutions with us? I'd love to hear them!

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Making Resolutions that Count

New Beginnings

Are You Celebrating the Beauty of Family this Holiday- Even if Yours is Imperfect?

2011-12-22T08:00:00.001-06:00

I was on the phone this week with stepfamily author, Ron Deal. We were chatting about his upcoming move to assume a new position with FamilyLife as the Director of Blended Families Ministries. (Read press release here). I could hear his excitement of continuing his ministy with stepfamilies in a larger fashion through such a great organization.

But I could also hear his grief when he mentioned the upcoming anniversary of the loss of their son, Connor. Connor was 12 years old when he came down with a rare illness that took his life within two weeks of its onset. He was the middle child of three boys and his family will never be the same. It's a parents worst nightmare that leaves unfathomable pain in its wake.

Although the loss of a child may be the greatest loss anyone could experience, each member of a stepfamily has experienced loss too. Through death or divorce, relationships end and pain remains. But through healthy stepfamily relationships, family members can begin to heal and find joy in life again.

Although it may take longer than we desire, beautiful relationships can form if we don't give up. And our family becomes something to celebrate, even if it's imperfect.

So as you celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas this week-end, I encourage you to celebrate the beauty of family also. Although your stepfamily relationships may not be where you wish they were, celebrate the progress you've made. Commit to stronger relationships through intentional effort as you look toward a new year.

Life is short. We don't know what's around the corner that could alter our family dynamics forever. But we do know what our relationships look like today and can choose to celebrate the beauty of our family.

How will you celebrate the unique beauty of your stepfamily as you celebrate the holidays?

Related Posts:

Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

Stinkin' Thinkin' Creates Bitter Quitters in Stepfamilies

Holiday Mantra for Stepparents: Don't Take it Personally

2011-12-19T08:00:00.001-06:00

As we head into the last week of the Christmas holiday, life gets dicey. Emotions are heightened as we try to find the perfect gift for our stepchild or negotiate that last-minute schedule change with our ex.

And if we, as stepparents, are carrying emotions too closely to our heart, we can easily take flippant comments and haphazard looks personally.

But that's a recipe for disaster.

When my stepdaughter was younger, I was overly sensitive to everything she said to me. One day we were talking about how she liked her mom to French-braid her hair and she said, “Why can’t you French-braid my hair? I think it’s weird that you don’t know how.”

Well, that was enough to hurt my feelings. I couldn’t recognize the fact that she wanted me to be more involved in her life and this was something we could do together. Instead, I took it as a personal attack.

The stepmom role is a complicated one but sometimes we make it harder because of our insecurities. We think we’ll never measure up to their biological mom and we compete with her and compare ourselves constantly, always coming up short.

If we learn to spend more time improving upon who we are already, we’ll be a better stepparent. And if our stepchild can’t accept us that way, that’s okay. God created each of us as a unique person.

We might be criticized for being someone different than our stepchild understands. Perhaps she can’t accept our short hair because her mom wears her hair long. Or maybe our stepchild doesn’t understand why we work from home when her mom leaves the house every day at 6:00 a.m. for a corporate job.

But, if we’re secure in who we are, it won’t bother us when our stepchild questions our choices. Our natural reaction becomes: I won’t take that comment personally or get defensive. I will accept her thoughts as her own, even if they’re different from mine.

Stepfamily authority Ron L. Deal says it best in his book, The Smart Stepfamily: “Stepparents cannot afford to be insecure. Stepfamilies were not made for the emotionally fragile.”

It’s easy to be overly sensitive to our stepchildren’s comments, particularly through the holidays. But as we become more confident and at peace with ourselves, we’re better equipped to foster a healthy stepparenting relationship, allowing critical or judgmental comments to slide right past us.

Will you adopt the holiday mantra: don't take it personally? How might that influence your step-relationships?

Related Posts:

Seven Tips for Finding Balance in the Midst of Holiday Chaos

What is our Role as a Stepparent?

Offering the Gift of Prayer

2011-12-14T08:00:00.001-06:00

Our three college children have been taking semester finals last week and this week. I've been praying for them diligently as I remember how overwhelming final exams can be.

As I was finishing my Christmas shopping this week, I ran across a merchant inside the mall who was selling hand-made gifts from Bethlehem. It was intriguing to look at the beautiful hand-carved pieces. When I spotted one of praying hands, I knew immediately I would purchase it. And not only did I purchase one, I purchased six of them.

My idea is to place one of the praying hands inside each of our children's stockings and my husband's stocking. I want each of them to keep it as a reminder that I will be praying for them daily in the upcoming year and if they have a specific need, they can always ask me to pray about it.

Four of our children are young adults, ages 18 - 26, and are making life-changing decisions at this juncture. I'm vividly aware of the mistake I made at 23 years old when I married a man that was a complete mistake, ending in divorce after years of heartache and pain. My hope is that none of our children make a dreadful decision like mine.

So I'm offering the gift of prayer to my family this year. It may not seem like a big gift and I know some of our children will appreciate the gift more than others, but it's a gift I feel is important.

What do you think? Will you consider offering the gift of prayer for your family?

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Prayer Changes Relationships

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Coping with Difficult Emotions Through the Holidays

2011-12-09T07:29:00.001-06:00

If you've stopped by from Tricia Goyer's blog today: Welcome!

Today's post is an excerpt from our e-book, Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success - Unwrapping the Gift of Peace

"My stepson and stepdaughter lost their mother after a short battle with cancer several years after my husband and I married. Because of their loss, the holidays have never been the same for them. She died in August and naturally the first Christmas season was very difficult. But I didn't anticipate how difficult every holiday after that would be also.

I'll never forget the second season after thier mother's death. My adolescent children were having a wonderful time decorating the tree, singing Christmas carols, and reminiscing of Christmas' past. Without warning, my stepson abruptly uttered some angry words and retreated to his room. His sour mood dampened the atmosphere for the girls - momentarily for all of us!
...

Difficult emotions present themselves with every holiday season. And in blended families, complicated circumstances compound them. But we can make a choice to refuse to let them consume us.

It's vital that we allow ourselves to "feel" our feelings. That means we don't stuff them, we don't deny them, we don't avoid them through busyness, and we don't compensate for them by overeating, drinking, or using any sort of sedative. Feelings eventually pass if we give ourselves permission to "feel" them.

Seek out support during stressful periods. Talk with a friend, a pastor, or another stepparent as you process your feelings. Relay your concerns to your spouse and ask for his/her support on hard days. You don't have to walk the stepparenting journey alone - a comforting friend or a godly prayer partner may offer the support you need to get through a difficult day."

Read more on coping with difficult emotions when you purchase our e-book here.

Are you struggling with difficult emotions right now? How do you cope with them? Will you share with us in the comments?

Related Posts:

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

Coping with Stepfamily Drama

Immanuel - God is With Us

2011-12-06T08:00:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite Christmas carols is "Immanuel." As we sang it in church this past week-end, I thought about the words to the chorus:

                                Immanuel our God is with us
                And if God is with us who can stand against us
                                     Our God is with us
                                            Immanuel

In the madness of the holiday season, it's easy to forget God is with us. As we frantically seek to meet every obligation, we begin to think only of ourselves and how to survive the craziness. But Immanuel still wants to be part of our lives as we search for the perfect gift for our stepchild, attend our child's Christmas program, or negotiate the visitation schedule with our ex-spouse.

If we remember to include God in our interactions with others, He will "stand against us" as the song says. He will fight for what we want and work on our behalf to meet our needs in the midst of challenging circumstances.

But if we try to do everything in our own strength, we will make self-centered decisions, we will have brash interactions with others, and we will run out of energy before our tasks are accomplished.

So the choice is ours. Will we make it a priority to include God in our holiday schedule or will we choose to walk our own path and miss the blessing God offers when we choose to walk with Him?

I encourage you to listen to the entire song of Immanuel here. It's words will speak meaning to an empty heart or a burdened soul.

"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel - which means, "God with us." (Matthew 1:23)

What choice will you make? Will you share how you make it a priority to include God in your everyday schedule despite the distractions of the season?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tip: Live by Faith, Not Fear

Prayer Changes Relationships

Keep Christ in Christmas

*"Immanuel" is written and sung by Michael Card

If It's Not Working, Do Something Different

2011-12-02T08:30:00.003-06:00

Have you ever become so stuck in your way of doing things that you can't realize there's a better way? Do you insist on doing things the way they've always been done?

Could it be time for a change at your house?

From our Thriving at the Holidays:A Stepparent's Guide to Success e-book:

"From my early years, I had wonderful childhood memories of my parents and three sisters picking out a tree together and decorating it while engaged in lively conversation, enjoying Christmas music in the background. I was determined to carry out that blissful tradition with our blended family. But I soon discovered ... that wasn't possible.

Every year, my husband and I would gather our four children together and hit the streets for the best looking tree we could find within our budget. But every year we ended the evening with grumpy kids who were fighting over what tree looked the best. And we noticed the kids were competing with each other over what sized tree they had at their other parent's home, creating further tension and division among themselves.

So, after several years, my husband and I finally decided to forego the stress-filled tree-shopping excursion and buy an artificial tree.

It was sad for me at first to admit that our family couldn't enjoy the same blissful tree-shopping experience my family of origin had. I wanted our family traditions to be a way of uniting our family, though, and I knew this tradition wasn't working for us. I soon discovered that the new tradition of retrieving the artificial tree from the attic, putting its branches in place, carefully arranging each string of lights and actually enjoying our time together was worth the change."

What about your traditions? Are they working for you or do you need to consider a change?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tip: Live by Faith, Not Fear

Coping with Change

Seven Tips for Finding Balance in the Midst of Holiday Chaos

2011-11-29T08:00:00.049-06:00

Our family leaves on an extended holiday trip in just over 2 weeks and I keep wondering how I'm going to get everything done. So, here are a few tips I've created to help myself maintain balance during this busy time of year - I hope you find them helpful also.

1. Prioritze your schedule to include activities most important to you. Say no to everything else and to obligations someone else can manage.
For me, that includes attending my son's Christmas party at school, special church services, a holiday piano performance in our hometown, a few Christmas parties, and various other events. However, it doesn't include ladies bunko night, the symphony performance, or lunch with each of my girlfriends to exchange gifts - there simply isn't time for all that.

2. Start each day with a spiritual act - prayer, devotional, Bible reading, listening to songs of praise, etc. to center your mind and soul for the day.
When we start our day with God in control, it allows for a God-centered day instead of a man-centered one.

3. Don't allow someone else power over your emotions (i.e. ex-spouses, children/stepchildren).
Commit to staying in control of your emotions instead of allowing someone else to take that power from you. Walk away from volatile emotions or heated conversations. Engage in communication via e-mail or texting if necessary.

4. Stay faithful to healthy eating patterns and a regular exercise routine.
Get up earlier than usual if you need to, but don't skimp on exercise and sensible eating. You will feel better and manage your demanding schedule more competently if you maintain healthy habits through the season.

5. Break down consuming tasks into chunk-size actions that can be completed a little at a time.
For instance, I easily become overwhelmed when I think about shopping for our five children in addition to parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. However, if I choose one child to focus on until I'm finished and then move to the next child or a parent or whatever, the task seems less daunting.

6. Commit to making each day positive.
We have so much to be thankful for and if we choose to focus on the positives in our life, we will manage our schedule with greater ease. If we have a bump in the road one day, we can choose to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward instead of allowing negative thoughts to set in.

7. Read Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success - Unwrapping the Gift of Peace (an easy-to-read e-book) to find additional tips on maintaing balance and creating a peaceful season.

There they are - 7 tips for finding balance during holiday chaos.

Do you another tip to add? Would you please share it with us?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tip: Balancing Your Time as you Consider What's Important

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Live One Day at a Time

Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

2011-11-22T09:23:00.001-06:00

I'll never forget the first holiday season our family celebrated together. My husband and I had married in mid-October and the holidays descended upon us before we could get settled in our new surroundings. My expectations of a joyous holiday season quickly faded as the reality of chaos and heartache took over.

Blending four young children, managing a harried schedule with two uncooperative ex-spouses while grappling with my expectations of a perfect, first holiday ignited a simmering blaze that burned throughout the season, leaving behind a trail of hurt feelings and defeat.

How could I expect it to be perfect? Because I'm a perfectionist. I wanted to prove to myself and others that, despite the odds of our new marriage and complexities, we could have a perfect, delightful holiday season. I was wrong.

In her book, Set Free to Live Free: Breaking through the 7 Lies Women Tell Themselves, Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith writes, "Perfection is not the goal on earth. ... Your life is a progressive journey. There will be times of success and times of failure. There will be times of faith and times of doubt. There will be moments of joy and moments of fear. You cannot maneuver this obstacle course we call life and expect to finish the race perfectly."

I've given up the idea of a perfect holiday season. But that doesn't mean it won't be meaningful. There may be squabbles among the kids, or sour attitudes while shopping, or a less-than-perfect decorated tree by my children, but that doesn't mean I won't cherish the memories of time together as a family.

You see, our time as a family isn't the same anymore. We only have one of our five children still living at home and we will only all be together briefly on Christmas day. So, I choose to value how small or large our family gathering is and enjoy every moment we have together as an imperfect family.

In our book, Thriving at the Holidays, Heather writes, "Life rarely goes as planned and the tighter we hold onto expectations of the perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas, the tighter, tenser and more stressed we are likely to feel. Let the strands of Christmas tree lights, not our emotions, be the only thing that gets tangled up this holiday season. Peace in the heart leads to peace in the home."

Have you experienced lesss-than-perfect holidays in the past? How did you cope?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Face Your Challenges

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Do the Right Thing

Are You Prepared for the Unexpected this Holiday?

2011-11-16T07:52:00.000-06:00

"I took a fall tonight and I'm at the hospital. I'll be okay but I need you to pick me up when you get to town. Please hurry - I don't know if my house is secure because the paramedic broke the window to get in."

Those were the words spoken to my husband this past week-end as we were driving to Austin, TX for a visit with his mom and step-dad. We knew his step-dad had been in the hospital for several days due to complications from his diabetes but we were shocked to hear the news from his mom, and concerned about the urgency of the situation. But once we heard the story, we spoke with her about being prepared for an unexpected event in the future.

When my mother-in-law fell she was home alone. She hit the floor hard and couldn't get up but managed to reach a nearby phone. However, when the ambulance came to pick her up, she couldn't get to the front door and the paramedics had to break a window to enter the house. It was an added stress to the situation that could have been prevented if there had been an extra key hidden outside, as the paramedics requested in case of another unexpected accident.

We can't always anticipate what kind of events are going to invade our home at the holidays, particularly in a stepfamily. But we can prepare ourselves for unexpected events by managing our expectations throughout the season. Here's a snippet of what we included in our new e-book, "Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success:" in regards to expectations.

"At the holidays, we manage our lists, our schedules and our budgets. Yet the most important items to manage during the holiday season are our expectations! As stepparents, we are committed to our families and because we want to give our blended family the gift of a joyous and peaceful holiday, we often take it upon ourselves to bring that joy and peace.

While holidays seem like the perfect opportunity to show your stepkids how much you care about them, this time of year can easily become a source of disappointment and frustration. The problem lies in the fact that we have little-to-no control over those around us. When we attach expectations to those in our stepfamily with whom we have little to no influence over, we set ourselves up for potential heartache.

...Whatever expectations you allow to enter your head also enter your heart and your home. It is important to manage expectations so they don't manage us."

How do you manage your expectations during the holidays? Will you share what works for you?

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Managing Your Holiday Schedule - Define Your Date to Celebrate

2011-11-11T08:30:00.005-06:00

Many blended families are beginning to make visitation schedules for the holidays and I hear co-parents grumbling about the stress of making it work. I love what Heather Hetchler shared in our e-book, "Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success," about her Thanksgiving routine.

"In my family, we have all the kids every other year for Thanksgiving. On the years when my four children are with their father, we make a special Thanksgiving breakfast before they go. We make turkey shaped pancakes and decorate with a chocolate chip eyeball, turkey bacon feathers and maple syrup for dressing.

In addition, when they return home on Saturday, we have a Thanksgiving celebration 'Peanuts' style. We watch 'A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving' while snacking on toast, popcorn, and jelly beans."

Holidays don't have to be on a certain date to be meaningful. If we get hung up on wanting things our way, including always celebrating on Thanksgiving day or Christmas day, we will end up with a tension-filled holiday.

The important thing to remember is the celebration of being together with loved ones and offering thanks for our relationships and the blessings God freely offers us.

Here's another suggestion from our e-book about creating a meaningful and peaceful holiday, even if the kids aren't with you on the actual date:

"You can always tuck a small gift and/or note in your stepkids' belongings when they head back to their other home. Mark it to be opened on the actual holiday. While they won't be with you and their parent, they'll have something from both of you to open that day."

The holiday season has enough stress of its own without adding an inflexible attiutude surrounding the schedule. Commit to creating a peaceful holiday season this year - your kids will thank you for it.

Are you comfortable with defining your date to celebrate other than the actual holiday? If you have done this in the past, will you share your experience?

Related Posts:

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Thankful - In Good Times and Bad

2011-11-04T13:42:00.000-05:00

"I have a lesion on my kidney. The doctors are running more tests today. Please pray for me."

"My friend's 2-year-old daughter has just been diagonsed with a malignant brain tumor. Please pray for them."

These are words I've heard this week from friends. Difficult circumstances. Uncertain times. Anxious moments.

How do we continue to be thankful during hard times? I must admit there have been times this past year that I haven't felt thankful.

I wasn't thankful when my husband lost his job. I wasn't thankful when I learned we had to re-locate for a new job. (although I was thankful for the job!). And I have struggled to be thankful in a new town when three of our children now live four hours away.

But God tells us to be thankful in all things. "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess 5:16-18

Did you notice the Scripture says to pray continually before we can give thanks? I think that's the key - stay in an attitude of prayer.

A devotional I read this week by Dr. Fred Lowery said, "The Bible says, 'Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving.' Only when you've spent time in God's presence and drawn strength from him, will you be equal to the challenges you face on any given day."

Only when we've allowed God to penetrate our heart and our mind can we be thankful when our circumstances don't appear worthy of thanksgiving.

So, what are you thankful for today? I'm thankful for a new writing opportunity God gave me that resulted in my first e-book! The e-book, Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success," is currently available on Amazon and will be available on Apple and Barnes and Nobles shortly.

I hope you'll check it out and tell me what you think.

Are you feeling thankful today? Will you share with us what you're thankful for?

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The Holidays Are Upon Us - How Will Your Blended Family Manage?

2011-10-28T07:42:00.001-05:00

As we turn the calendar to November next week, we begin to think about the holidays. As a blended family, holidays bring additional stress: heightened expectations, scheduling conflicts with the ex and children or stepchildren, financial burdens, increased communication with ex and ex-in-laws, and time constraints, just to name a few.

So, how do you cope? How do you find peace through a stress-filled holiday season?

I have a resource to help you. I have teamed up with a fellow stepmom, Heather Hetchler, and we have written an e-book titled, "Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide To Success - Unwrapping the Gift of Peace.

We are excited to offer this new resource for less than the cost of a Startbucks! It will be available October 31st for $2.99 through Amazon and other retailers. I will give you more information once it's officially launched.

Heather and I have 11 children between our two families and understand the dynamics of blended family holidays. In our book, we offer eight tips for blended families to not just survive the holidays, but thrive through them.

It includes a foreword by stepfamily authority, Ron Deal, that says, "Heather and Gayla want to help your family unwrap familial peace. From stepparent's living in the trenches, this booklet is packed full of practical advice, encouragement, and perspective for your holiday challenges."

I will include thoughts from the e-book on my blog during the holiday season but I hope you'll consider reading the complete e-book to help you unwrap the gift of peace this holiday season.

More details to follow...

What are you concerned about this holiday season? Do you need some encouragement for your journey?

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Face Your Challenges

Let Go and Let God

Affirming You in Your Role as a Childless Stepmom

2011-10-19T08:00:00.020-05:00

I'm not a childless stepmom. But I have the utmost respect for those of you who are.

For many years, I didn't give much thought to what it would feel like to be a childless stepmom. But after talking to several of you and watching how you do life, I realize the ultimate sacrifice you make as a stepmom without children of your own.

We know that a stepmom doesn't get to experience the "firsts" of a biological mom. The first one to have a child with your husband. The first one to experience parenting with your spouse and your baby. The first one to make any kind of a decision regarding that child and a host of decisions later.

But a childless stepmom never gets to experience those events or realize the joy of having a biological child, even if it's from a previous relationship.

Many childless stepmoms I've spoken with are not childless by choice. Infertility plays a role all too often. And the roller coaster of trying to conceive takes a heavy toll every time.

If you're struggling with infertility or any kind of extended wait, you might find comfort from a devotion posted by Tracies Mills with Proverbs 31 Ministries, titled "Waiting for God's Best." It speaks of the 20 year wait Isaac endured before his wife, Rebekah, gave birth to their twins (Genesis 25:26). Waiting is hard. And waiting without answers can be unbearable.

A childless stepmom faces different challenges than a stepmom with her own children. She is misunderstood by the parenting community and perhaps not even accepted by other moms. She endures the same parenting challenges but receives little reward for her efforts.

So if you're a childless stepmom, I affirm you in your role. God bless you in your efforts to make a difference in your stepchildren's lives. And although others may not appreciate or recognize the important role you play, you can be assured that you, as a stepmom, have value.

Are you struggling in your role as a childless stepmom? Do you need to reach out to other stepmoms? Will you share how you cope with the challenges you encounter?

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Marriage is Not Always Blissful - Especially in Blended Families

2011-10-13T08:30:00.010-05:00

My husband, Randy, and I celebrate 16 years of marriage tomorrow. If you read my blog often, you know it hasn't all been blissful.

I'll never forget the night Randy called me from a hotel room and said he wasn't coming home that night. We had been married less than a year and we were struggling as we attempted to blend our four children. I realized the truth of his words, "It just isn't working Gayla."

We had had an argument early that evening over the kids and he couldn't deal with the tension any longer. We both began to question if our marriage could stand the stress of stepfamily life: grasping at how to parent together, coping with difficult ex-spouses, dealing with the rejection of stepparenting, accepting the crazy schedule that left little time for a couple relationship, along with the grind of everyday life.

We had a decision to make: would we fight to keep going or would we call it quits before we gave it a fair chance?

Randy nor I wanted another divorce. We had walked that road and still felt the remnants of pain and failure. We knew we could make it work - but we needed help.

We began seeing a counselor who addressed the difficulty of our stepfamily dynamics. He also confronted us with the unresolved baggage we were carrying and the role each of us was playing in the tension-filled home we lived in. It was painful and heart-wrenching at times, but we began seeing improvements in our marriage and stepparenting interactions.

We also found a stepfamily support group in a nearby church that was studying literature and Scripture specific to stepfamilies. It was a sacrifice to make the weekly meetings, but it was critical to our growth as we integrated with other stepparents and found healthy ways to unite our four children.

Sixteen years later, those difficult days of early blended- family life blur in the rear-view mirror. I wouldn't want to re-live them, but they are part of our stepfamily memories, reminding us how far our family has come.

We have only one child still at home - it's the only child Randy and I have together. And I must admit - life is simpler, life is less stressful, life is calmer.

But marriage is not all bliss, even at this stage. Our struggles are no longer tied to stepparenting or difficult ex-spouses, but we still encounter stressful periods. We have just come through a tumultuous year that put tremendous weight on our marriage. But our commitment of years' past pulled us through our non-blissful days.

I have a renewed commitment to my marriage. I recognize the short-lived season of child-rearing. And when all our children leave home, I want a thriving marriage.

So, where are you on your marriage journey? Are you plunging through the difficult years of early stepfamily life? Can you recognize the growth your family has made through stepfamily challenges? Are you focusing on your non-blissful days or striving to make the best of whatever season you're in, committed to the long run of your marriage?

How do you cope with non-blissful days of marriage? Will you share your thoughts?

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You Don't Have to be Super StepMom

2011-10-07T08:30:00.002-05:00

I was talking to a stepmom this week who is recently divorced. She had two stepchildren and told of her struggle to be Super StepMom. But it didn't matter how hard she tried, it didn't change the difficult relationship with her stepchildren.

There are so many variables that influence what kind of relationship we have with our stepchildren. And many of those variables are beyond our control.

We can make every effort to be Stepmom of the Year but come to the end of the year with the same relationship we started at the beginning. But that doesn't mean we have to accept the blame for the rejection.

During my stepson's adolescent years, he found all kinds of reasons to dislike me. Some of them might have been legitimate, but most were unfounded. Regardless of how hard I tried to be a good stepmom to him, he rejected my efforts.

I have been married to my stepson's dad for 16 years and after many difficult years, my stepson and I now have a good relationship. It isn't because I became a different person toward him. It's because he has matured into a young man who, at 21 years old, recognizes and appreciates the role I've played in his life.

Did I want to quit being his stepmom during those adolescent years? Absolutely! Did I deserve the treatment I received? No! Am I thankful I didn't walk away? Yes!

Acting as a Super StepMom doesn't guarantee a good relationship with your stepchild, and usually results in unmet expectations. Consistent love over time, through the ups and downs of life, could be the difference. But regardless of your stepchild's behavior, the only way you fail in this role, is if you quit.

Do you need to give up the role of Super StepMom and the expectations that go with it?

What is our Role as a Stepparent?

When Stepparenting Feels Too Hard: Four Ways to Overcome Discouragement

There's Beauty After the Pain

Stinkin' Thinkin' Creates Bitter Quitters in Blended Families

2011-09-29T08:30:00.008-05:00

Are you guilty of stinkin' thinkin' - do you know what it looks like?

Here are some examples:

- My stepchild will never like me so why do I bother trying to have a relationship with him/her?

- No one understands these feelings of rejection as a stepparent - I'm living on an island by myself.

- My husband has no idea how difficult this is - it's useless to talk to him about it.

- Re-marriage is just too hard - looks like I'm headed for divorce again.

Have you had those thoughts? Can you list others? It's easy to get tangled in a web of negative thinking about our blended family. But we can make a choice to think differently and have positive outcomes.

Well known poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A man is what he thinks about all day long." In other words, if we dwell on the negative parts of our life, every aspect of our being will reflect negativity.

But if we focus on the positive nuggets of our situation, we create positive surroundings for ourselves.

In his book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," Norman Vincent Peale supports this thinking when he states, "Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. Think positively, for example, and you set in motion positive forces which bring positive results to pass. ... On the contrary, think negative thoughts and you create around yourself an atmosphere propitious to the development of negative results."

Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. I love that!

Dr. Peale is suggesting that we influence our situation with our thinking. So, if we want our stepchildren to respond positively toward us, we need to create that scenario in our head. When we think positively toward them and expect positive behavior from them, they will begin to respond that way.

Our demeanor reflects what we are thinking. When we have negative thoughts circling through our mind, we give off negative vibes toward those around us. Our stepchildren can feel our negativity and will react accordingly.

I've seen this happen with my own stepchildren. If I choose to dwell on negative thoughts toward them, I respond to them with an insensitive spirit and critical remarks. Even if I don't say anything, my nonverbal language speaks volumes. They can sense my negativity and respond in anger or frustration.

On the other hand, if I choose to think positively toward them and my verbal and nonverbal language reflects a like demeanor, they feel loved and accepted. It's easy for them to respond favorably toward a loving spirit.

Are you up for a challenge? Think only positive thoughts about your stepchildren and re-marriage today. If something negative creeps into your mind, turn it around and find a positive twist. See if it makes a difference. Leave a comment and let me know the results.

Will you make an intentional effort to focus on positive thinking with your stepchildren and re-marriage?

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