Take Those Steps of Faith - It's Well With My Soul

Blessings!

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Sat, 10 Apr 2021 15:06:00 +0000

I have so much to be thankful for! Not only have I been blessed with an amazing family, a beautiful home, the career of my dreams, great friends, but I have been blessed with the gift of LIFE!

I BELIEVE IN GOD'S HEALING POWER

Many reading this know about my health struggles over the years and bout with ovarian cancer. However even though I rejoice knowing God removed the cancer from my body, I have another blessing to share.

Migraines have been a nuisance most of my life. The last six to seven years they have pretty much consumed my life, robbing me of so many important moments.

Besides praying to God for relief and healing, I have seen countless doctors, tried pretty much every drug on the market, remedies, physical therapy, and even a chiropractor to no avail. Approximately 90% of each month is spent dealing with these migraines and their aftermath.

A few weeks ago, (Sunday, March 14^th to be exact) I woke up with my ears starting to ring, my mind was foggy, I was seeing strobing lights, and the anxiousness began. I knew what was coming, another migraine.

This Sunday was different… With the migraine brewing, I still went to church. During the beginning of the worship service my mind was wandering. As we were singing “Ever Be” I struggled focusing on the words and God’s presence… All I could think about was the need to schedule an appointment with my neurologist (it had been some time since my last appointment). I was thinking maybe there was something new she could try. (I was at my breaking point again.) After a few minutes of being distracted I finally was able rein in on the service.

One of the last songs of the service was “See a Victory”. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a dear friend (who is one of the church’s prayer warriors) walking towards me. She stopped and put her arm around me. With tears in her eyes and an excited (yet shaking) voice says to me, “I do not normally do this, but I feel God pushing me to. I feel he is telling me that today is the day! As of today, your migraines are going to be gone! “

As crazy as it may sound to some of you, I chose to believe that God healed me that day! I believe this healing was granted due to not only my faith to believe in his healing abilities but also the faith of this dear prayer warrior. She had to to put her trust in Him to come out of her "comfort zone" and take an uncomfortable step of faith and share what God put on her heart.

Sometimes it just takes those little steps of faith!

Little did she know that I had a migraine brewing that morning. She did not know that I was sidetracked during the beginning of the service dwelling on what I needed to do to prevent them. The rest of the week I was exhausted and went to bed early. My vision went crazy one day (as it does many times before a migraine attack) but only for a few moments, still NO Migraine!

I have been migraine free for almost a MONTH! I cannot tell you when the last time was that I went a month without a migraine. What a blessing!!! God is good!

I Finally Got My "YES"!

Was it the prayer warrior(s) that healed me? No. God is the one who heals!

Does God listen to our prayers and those prayer warrior’s prayers? Yes!

Does God always answer prayers? YES!

However, sometimes those answers are not always "Yes". There are times that he tells us "No" or to "Wait"!

For years I have wondered why these migraines have plagued my life? I even had a family member tell me that I had cancer and that God was not healing me of the migraines because I probably did not pray enough and needed to pray more.

Did I not pray enough? Could I have prayed more? Of course I prayed and could have prayed more, but can’t we all pray more? That person never walked in my shoes and never should have made a claim like this. Little did they know, God was answering my prayers at that moment; he answered by saying “Wait!”. It is God’s timing not mine.

Do I believe I was healed? Yes, I do!

Do I believe that I will never have a migraine again? I have faith that they will never return. But if they do, having a month or more of this “Clarity” has already been such a GIFT! I believe I am healed! Although, if God chooses to allow the migraines to return, I must trust he has his reasonings and he is still working. He never promised that life would be easy, if it was we would forget about him and all he has done.

If you are going through a dark valley, turn to God. Do not listen to the devil’s lies. Do not let people pull you down with their opinions on why you are struggling. Just remember that God will never leave you. We may not understand why God will not move the mountains that we want him to move. We must remember He has a plan and knows what is best for us.

HEROES

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Sun, 05 Apr 2020 17:17:00 +0000

A few weeks ago, I received a brochure for Sight and Sound Theaters. As I opened the brochure, I realized that Esther would be performed in Lancaster this Spring. Over the years we have seen many shows at Sight & Sound Theater, all have been amazing! Esther coming to Sight & Sound had me ecstatic!

I placed this brochure where Jas would obviously see it. When I saw he moved the brochure, I would re-open it move it back into plain sight. He obviously was not getting my subtle hints so I had to resort to telling him much I would love to see the show & how it would be a wonderful anniversary gift. FINALLY, after a couple weeks he ordered the tickets.

Proverbs 12:25 NIV
An anxious heart weighs a man down,
but a kind word cheers him up.

Unfortunately, due to COVID-19 our anniversary trip was postponed. I must admit I was/am a little saddened about not being able to go. I got to thinking about how selfish I was being and how many people have much more to complain about. The whole world is suffering; it isn’t just about ME.

If you are like me, you have lots to think about isolated in your home. I am trying not to be anxious but the thought of temporarily shutting down my store and how to handle this situation, the kids being at home stressed over the thought of not going back to school, not being able to see family or friends other than the video chats (at least we have this), and of course the possibility of the virus hitting home are just some of the worrisome thoughts that have stricken me.

Whining to myself, three women’s names came to me. Three women that back in January & February I had a desire to re-read about them and watch videos/movies on their lives. If you asked me to pick a female hero, I would have a difficult time deciding which of these three it would be. These three women didn’t not make it a habit to complain about their hardships, they all trusted God to get them through the trials and despair. Who were these women? Queen Esther, Harriet Tubman, and Corrie ten Boom.

Queen Esther

Esther is one of my favorite books of the Bible. From the time I was a small child, I just loved to hear the story of Esther and how she risked her life for her people. If you were to open my Picture Bible to the section about Queen Esther it would be one of the most worn selections. As a child, I would even imagine myself as Esther when the book was read, or I would watch cartoon about her.

Reading the book of Esther, you learn that not only was Esther beautiful, she was loving and loyal!

Throughout the book of Esther, God’s name is not mentioned but you see God working through the smallest details and he never abandoned anyone. (Just some examples of these details: Esther being a Jewish orphan and raised by Mordecai. King Xerxes kicks his queen out for not obeying his order & searches for a new queen. Esther is sent away with other eligible women in the land she won the kings favor. Nobody realizes that Esther is a Jew including her new husband & his advisers. Esther risked her life (for her people) by trusting God and going in front of her king, King Xerxes, without being invited (which could have gotten her killed being his queen or not). Esther ends up foiling the plan of Haman (the kings top official) to persecute the Jews.) and Mordecai becomes a top official for the king.

Esther’s story shows that when things seem impossible, God can bring about freedom and even redemption!

Harriet Tubman

I was in third grade when I first learned about Harriet Tubman. Our 3rd grade teacher read a book to us about her and I was instantly fascinated by her and her bravery.

Harriet never turned her back on God or her people. Born a slave she escaped to freedom following God’s instructions. Many times, she could have been caught (especially since she suffered from seizures) but God protected her & helped her escape. Not only did she make it to freedom, she felt the calling to go back and help free more slaves.

As part of the Underground Railroad, Harriet received the nickname “Moses”. She made around 13 missions rescuing around 70 enslaved people.

“Twant me, ‘twas the Lord! I always told him, ‘I trust you. I don’t know where to go or what to do, but I expect you to lead me,’ and He always did.” -Harriet Tubman

Through the toughest moments in time, Harriet chose to follow God and trusted he was working through her and protecting her. She could have let fear consume her, but she chose to look toward Christ.

Corrie ten Boom

When I was a child (even to this day) Corrie ten Boom’s story has always fascinated me. I remember reading parts of her story and her book “The Hiding Place” as a kid. But I felt compelled to re-read the book back in February.

Through this book Corrie talks about her life as a watchmaker. How she was the first woman licensed watchmaker in the Netherlands. Corrie tells of how God used the smallest details (ex. her being a watchmaker) to help her and her family save around 800 lives during the Nazi Holocaust during WWII. Through this book, Corrie told how God helped her family save these lives using something as small as lice to help Corrie and her sister spread His love and to be thankful for everything including things we think are terrible. There were so many times Corrie and her family could have denounced Christ (especially being sent to the concentration work and death camps) but they remained strong & God’s light showed through the Ten Boom family. Through Corrie's biography you can see the many miracles God provided to help Corrie and her family.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength”

- Corrie ten Boom

“Worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear”- Corrie ten Boom

“It is not my ability, but my response to God’s ability, that counts”- Corrie ten Boom

Thankful.

As I look at these three women, their story of selflessness, courage, and strong trust in God through the biggest trials of their lives as well as the lives of the world around them, it makes me admire them all the more!

Right now, I (along with the millions of others) am sitting at home. My business (our livelihood) is temporarily closed (along with millions of other non-essential businesses around the country); uncertain to when we can re-open because of COVID-19. Our children are home from school working on-line classwork, the grocery stores are fighting to keep the shelves stocked, healthcare providers and facilities are struggling to keep above water, and the country/world is in panic mode. Again, I admit I get anxious thoughts about this uncharted territory, BUT I must trust that God will help us get through! Just has God guided the hand of King Xerxes to hold his scepter towards Queen Esther setting in place the deliverance of the Jews from persecution, as He guided Harriet to freedom then helped her return to save others, and as He helped Corrie and her family through the trials and tribulations they encountered when the Nazis invaded Holland & being with them when they made the choice to be selfless with helping their neighbors.

Yes, times are tough (not just for me but for everyone) but already I am seeing in my life what is most important and how blessed I am!

As I said a few times through this blog, I tend to find myself being more anxious the more I dwell on my anxieties about the future; the news and social media are both overwhelming with their post. If you find yourself anxious or depressed, try to limit these fears by limiting the news, limiting the social media posts, and by thanking God for what we have as well as what we don’t have. Also get out your Bible (if you don’t have one download one) and start reading, and just pray.

Pray for you and your family, the people on the frontlines (medical personnel, grocery store workers, those delivering your packages and mail, etc.…)

Know you are loved and not alone!

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16 (KJV)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)"

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)"

He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:2 (NIV)

As I look at these three women, I am reminded that GOD is in control. With Him we don’t need to be anxious.

I have to remember to give thanks for what we have and what we don’t have.

Reading List

While you are sitting at home with plenty of time on your hands, I recommend some reading for you! This reading deals with these three amazing ladies. I only highlighted a few points of their amazing lives, but these stories really place what is important into perspective!

The book of Esther (in the Bible between Nehemiah and Job)
“Bound for the Promised Land: Harriet Tubman”, “Portrait of an American Hero” or “Harriet Tubman: The Road to Freedom”
“The Hiding Place”

TIME---> Where has it gone?

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Sat, 28 Sep 2019 04:03:00 +0000

HELLO THERE

Yes, it is me Jackie… You probably forgot all about this blog of mine. I don’t blame you; it has been ages since I have posted anything. There has been so many times I have wanted to write but I tend to get sidetracked very easily.

Since my last post, our life has not changed too much. We keep ourselves very busy to the point it is nice to be able to crash on the sofa and prop those feet up, this does not happen often.

Our oldest daughter is 19! Ahh yes, how can we have a 19-year-old now?   Our two youngest are 13 and 11. I have a hard time fathoming this!

Oh, we also have a new addition to our family; meet Rosie Jackson!

After being told “NO!” and then Jason joking around saying “If you come up with the money you can get her” I sold bunch of items on Marketplace. The next week (without Jason knowing), I just went and had Rosie delivered to our house.

No, Rosie is not spoiled! Not at All! I don’t care what Jason and Alex say or well anyone else, I DO NOT treat her like she is a baby 🤣😉. But lets just say if she is spoiled and treated like a princess or baby, what is wrong with that?

Not only is Rosie the newest member of our family, but I am praying that we can work with her to become a certified therapy dog (or whatever you call it);I would love to be able to take her to some cancer awareness events, children's hospitals, schools, etc. It would be great to be able to help someone by bringing some joy to their day. So if you could pray about this, I would appreciate it! I would love any input as well!

Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month

Can you believe it is end of September 2019? I can’t! Each year, September is recognized as Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. More than likely you have been hit somehow by the big “C’; whether it was you personally, a spouse, a family member, a friend. Like you, I know many people around me that are/were impacted by cancer from my dad, other family members, friends, and myself. Cancer does not discriminate!

Before I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, it never crossed my mind that I would be told “you have cancer”. Yes, I would see all the ads at the doctor’s offices as well as commercials etc. warning women about breast cancer and screening but I had never heard anything about Ovarian Cancer. Now that my eyes have been opened about ovarian cancer, I am amazed the number of women I know or have come across daily or even heard about on the news (for example) that have been affected by it. Unfortunately, there is still minimal information circulating on women's cancers. Like me, many women know about Breast Cancer but they know nothing about some of the other female cancers like ovarian, uterine, and cervical (unless someone they know has gone through it or they have themselves have). I would probably say if you went and polled people on the street, most would know what pink awareness ribbon stands for and not many would know what the teal is for.

Ovarian cancer is considered a silent killer; unless there is suspicion, there are no yearly tests or screenings proven to detect it. Unfortunately, many times when women find out they have ovarian cancer, it is at the later stages.

Thankfully God knocked me down (literally) forcing me to stop being stubborn and forcing me to see a doctor. I was one of the lucky ones; the cancer was discovered early. The process wasn’t easy on myself or my family especially with the surgeries, the chemo treatments, and all the aftereffects of the chemo. Even four years later, I still have testing to make sure I am still healthy, my family still has fear that it will return, I am still saddened we can not have another baby (but have come to grips with it).

Can you believe it has been four years since my initial diagnosis?

I am heading towards my fourth year of REMISSION!!! YEY!!! Thursday, I had another follow up with my gynecological oncologist; all is great, I am still cancer free! I didn’t have any worries when I went to the appointment, but it always feels good leaving knowing that you are still clear. God is good!

Four years later and this month reminds me of all I must be thankful for. It reminds me to always trust God, God teaching me that He is in control, life is short & to make the best of it, that Jason and I still need to take time to “date” each other (like we did with my weekly chemo trips less the chemo) , continue spending time with family and friends, and ask for help when needed.

I do not care who you are, please be proactive! If you have been dealing with something for a couple weeks or more (it may not have to deal with cancer, it may be some other medical issue you are having) listen to your body. Consult a doctor and continue to search for the answers to what is going on. Do not give up!

Ovarian cancer---symptoms from the NOCC website

Ovarian cancer is difficult to detect, especially in the early stages. This is partly due to the fact that the ovaries - two small, almond-shaped organs on either side of the uterus - are deep within the abdominal cavity. The following are often identified by women as some of the signs and symptoms of ovarian cancer:

Bloating
Pelvic or abdominal pain
Trouble eating or feeling full quickly
Feeling the need to urinate urgently or often

Other symptoms of ovarian cancer can include:

Fatigue
Upset stomach or heartburn
Back pain
Pain during sex
Constipation or menstrual changes

For more information on Ovarian Cancer visit the NOCC website /http://ovarian.org/

L 7

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 03:07:00 +0000

My Lil' Corner of Town

Our small town reminds me of "Mayberry". Five years, Twenty years, Thirty years go by and not much changes. The area of the town where I spend most of my time has a local corner store/restaurant which is the hotspot where the "locals" congregate daily for breakfast and lunch (we joke that if the town was completely snowed tunnels would be dug so the locals could all get there for breakfast). There are also banks, a jewelry store, a barbershop, our local "Macy's" (aka Goodwill), a coffee shop, a discount store, and a laundry mat... You know pretty much everyone you see on a first name basis in this town. There are so many "good" and caring people in this community that look out for one another. If there is someone "NEW" in the town they literally stick out. Like I said it is kinda like Mayberry.

The Window

There are many men and women in this community that I have really grown fond of that are true staples in the community! They are the people that really make a difference, if you don't see them out and about you miss them, they have made an impact in the town, and/or we me, you just know them because they would do anything for you. Many of these men and women have become friends and like family with us at the store and my family as well (I am sure others in this community).

The end of 2017 we lost one of our town's staples. I am so fortunate to have been able call him my friend. So many knew him and knew he was quite the character but unfortunately some who passed him by never got the pleasure to really know him. If you knew him, you knew that he told you like it was, he wouldn't hesitate to tell you if he didn't like something. He didn't like attention on him. He didn't pull any punches. A stubborn man was he (lol).

I loved to see him every day and sometimes numerous times a day. He would come over to tell us the days lunch specials and tease me by saying something like, "Baby Girl, today's special it is your favorite... Meat Loaf!" (you see he knows I don't like meatloaf, or shepards pie, or ribs, well anything like that, so he would love to mess with me). This man would also come in and hang out with us if he saw from his apartment window "a shady character" lurking outside our store (he had a direct view of our store, the bank, and barber shop from his window so he would keep an eye out for all "his girls". He got the nickname at the restaurant as "The Sheriff" so that kinda stuck as well). He would pop in our store from time to time and surprise us with our favorite chocolates or bring us drinks.

Last year on for my birthday, he went out of his way to SURPRISE ME with a lemon meringue pie. He had it specially made for me because he knew it was one of my favorites. When he walked up to the store to pick it up, it wasn't ready! Well that didn't go well for the ladies at the bakery... Granted, I got my lemon meringue pie with a funny story with it. Haha!!!

I wonder how many knew that when no one was watching (in the mornings or near dark) he would water the flowers in the town square's flower beds (I know we all sign up to water them in the summer but I am sure there are times they are forgotten or they may still dry out from heat so he helped keep them alive) and the banks flowers, he would wash my store's windows (sometimes the bank and barbershop's as well), he would sweep the sidewalks, if it snowed sometimes cleared the snow (and he really wasn't in the best of health to do so), and he also go help out at the little store/restaurant I spoke of above? I am sure there are more things I am missing that he did without being asked being rather stealthy about it because he didn't want any recognition.

As I have been leaving or entering the store each morning and evening, I look up at his apartment window (as I always do) ready to wave and then realize he isn't there. I keep waiting each day for him to come in the door but he doesn't... It is just not the same with out him!

Laughs...

I will miss our jokes. Believe it or not he liked to joke around just as much as we did. The best was secretly "tagging" his back with post-it notes that said things like "The Jewel Box Girls are the Best" and he would leave and come back later after going across the street and then to the barbershop. He would come back (after we were busted by the Barbershop Girls) shaking his finger and of course I got the blame because I was the first to post these on his back and the rest of the girls got in on it. But he loved it!

I will miss his stories of "his girlfriend" or him watering the cigarette receptacles outside to prevent people from pulling used "butts" out, re-lighting, and smoking them. Oh how he would laugh!

Last spring he went home with me to help Jason off the porch roof. Jason called me from his cell phone because he couldn't get down... Well of course I couldn't go help him down by myself, I needed back up. We all laughed about this "unfortunate event" for months.

Stories..

I will miss his stories of his life in Panama while in the service and how much he loved it there. How the nickname "Square" or L 7 (the L and 7 together looks like a square) came about and it wasn't because he sat in the square all the time; it was because of a brick hitting his "flat head". Over the last few years there were many stories of his family and just friends... He knew how to make us all laugh.

Last year when we surprised him with the "town" celebrating his birthday week. He played all "cool" but you could see the joy in his face and the extra bounce in his step. He was proud. It made it so worth it for all who participated!

These are just some of the memories of this man, a man I know this community will never forget and neither will I. In the short amount of time that we knew him, he made a huge impact in my life. Not only was he a friend, he basically became like family to us at the store and to my kids...

He will forever be missed!

We all love ya L7.

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 23:42:00 +0000

It has been some time since I have written a blog post. Life has been rather hectic lately. There have been so many topics that have been running through my brain lately, but this topic has literally been smacking my head daily.

My Chronic Migraines

Most of you have had headaches at times in your life, many of you have had a migraine before, and some of you suffer with them. For me, I am pretty sure could deal if it was just a headache; I feel as if I have a fairly high pain tolerance, it is ALL the symptoms that come with the MIGRAINE & the frequency that is so frustrating.

Most who are around me may not realize that I suffer with chronic migraines because I force myself to function in the everyday world. Some weeks consist of daily migraines, while others I may have just two or three. There is no rhyme or reason as to why I get them or how many I will get in a week. I have had migraines since I was a kid but the last two years they have been relentless.

For me, almost every day for the past two years I wake up in what I call a brain fog, because either I am at the start of my next migraine or my body is trying to recover from the last one. With the brain fog, I have an extremely hard time concentrating and focusing, sometimes I even feel so exhausted. My speech even suffers at times, I feel like I am slurring my words. There are times Jason or my girls are talking to me, I hear them & see them mouthing the words but nothing is registering and if it does register there is a high probability I will forget what they said a few moments later. (Those who are close to me, know that I am normally not forgetful, so this is very unlike me. Ex. I normally can remember almost every detail of what happened 15 years ago.) There are days that my head feels like someone is stabbing it and days that I may not have an actual “headache” but my vision is disturbed with auras and sometimes I have tunnel vision; then the nausea sets in, the dizziness and vertigo symptoms. Sometimes I lose my vision, see flashes of light, have the auras, have high pitched ringing in my ears, and sounds are magnified for the day, sometimes just minutes, or hours depending on how the medications I am on decide to work that day. Most of the time when I have a migraine I do have the combination of the headache and the vision but not all the time. Then on top of it all too much stimuli makes the migraines worse.

The one thing that does seem to help is a cool, dark, quiet room where I can sleep it off. Unfortunately, I have so many that I just can’t sleep my life away; I have a family and a job. So, I put a smile on my face and push myself through each day. Most of the time I can disguise it well; but this is exhausting. There are only a handful of people that can tell when I am having one of my “episodes”. When my migraine is over my body feels like Jell-O and I am wiped-out. Maybe if I could go to that cool, dark, quiet room and sleep it would help but that isn’t an option.

As many of you know, I love to run. If I don't run, I do feel worse so there are times I have to force myself through my run. Just the pounding of the pavement makes me even more nauseous at times. There are times on the straight stretches I have to close my eyes to keep from losing my cookies. But lately, I have been so weak that even getting out to run has been hard.

Did you know you don’t have to have a headache for it to be a migraine, just all the other migraine symptoms?

My Triggers

I know of three triggers of mine but then there are days that I wake-up with a migraine and I am unsure what triggered it.

Lights. My first trigger certain types of lights. Florescent lighting is the worst; I can see the constant “flashing”. Really bright LED lights. Certain headlights.

Smells. Certain perfumes, colognes, cleaning products, certain candle scents, essential oils, or anything that has a strong scent will automatically trigger a migraine.

Weather. I am finding that my head is tending to be pretty good at predicting a big weather pattern change.

Things I have tried

I have tried elimination of foods hoping to maybe find a trigger without success. As well as over the counter drugs, physical therapy, and ENT for my vertigo. I have been doing Botox injections for almost a year now. The Botox has not helped me in the fact that it has lessened the amount of migraines, but it has helped with the intensity of the pain associated with them. I feel like a walking pharmacy with all the medications I take to prevent an attack or when one hits. Some of the meds I have to be “selective” when I am going to take because I can only take so many times each month; so I have to decide which is my worse day. Many of the meds that I take just help ease the symptoms and they don’t cure the symptoms.

Cefaly or Sprint TMS

A few weeks back my neurologist sent me to see another neurologist to review everything we have been doing for the last two years. There were hopes that there may be something she was missing or another medication that might work, or something else that we could be doing to help reduce the occurrence. I met with this neurologist for about an hour and a half. She did an exam and reviewed all my records and I am back to square one. She agrees with everything that has been done so far. Although she did suggest a Cefaly unit or a Spring TMS unit, I am doing research on both. Cefaly is a onetime purchase but the electrodes are extra an extra fee and will frequently need replaced. The Spring TMS is a monthly fee. But which is better? Does one work better than the other? I am so confused…

Why am I writing all this?

I am frustrated… I am obviously not only one out there with chronic migraines with these crazy symptoms and maybe we can help each other. I am hoping that maybe this will help people understand why I might seem “out to lunch” at times. Maybe someone reading this will say, “Have you tried …?” Maybe this will remind others to be sparing when using perfumes, colognes, essential oils because there are people who unfortunately have reactions to them.

So if you have any ideas, suggestions, or maybe have tried the Cefaly or Spring TMS units I would like to hear your input.

A Little Wine With My Whine...

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Fri, 16 Jun 2017 02:10:00 +0000

WHAT? We are already ½ way through June!?!?

To say the first half of 2017 has been amazing and the best year ever, well, would be a lie. Let’s just Two-thousand Seventeen has started out with a bang! I feel I am being tested and sometimes I feel I am failing my tests miserably!

The Immediate Family.

Alexandria ended up colliding with a frozen soccer ball to the head during recess playing dodge ball, resulting in a concussion. We treated for just a week and found out that she had Lyme Disease so we assumed her symptoms were due to the Lyme Disease but after her full course of antibiotics her migraines and concussion symptoms remained (at least all of her Lyme symptoms seemed to be resolved and her testing improved). So, we went to a concussion specialist and started physical therapy. All she wanted to do was play softball, dance, and be a kid; she was off for a couple months which was driving her crazy. (She is much better now but is still doing eye therapy and by the end of summer should be back to normal.)

Then there was our Korimae. I came home from work one evening to “Mommy, I think I broke my tooth!” She shows me a piece of a tooth that looks like salt from a soft pretzel. So, I think to myself, “Oh, that can’t be so bad it is probably a chipped baby tooth.” I ask her to open her mouth. She opens her mouth and I see a big hole in a molar and her gum! It is much BIGGER than I think; Oh no! Then on top of it all I see what looks like a bunch cavities! My self-proclaimed “candy monster” has cavities and it is all my fault! (You see, we make a whole day of it and all go as a family to the dentist; when I found out I had cancer and started treatments I had to cancel all our appointments. After I finished my treatments I was in the process of switching dentists and trying to get us all in but time just got away and a year went by; the crazy thing was I had just spoke with our aunt who works at the new office to get everything ready for us all to get in.) Let’s just say her mouth became quite costly after a trip to the dentist & oral surgeon. I am so thankful to God that the broken molar and cracked molar were just baby teeth! She had two teeth removed, a spacer put in, and seven cavities filled!

We asked her if she learned her lesson. Her response, “Yes, Eat More CANDY!” Ugh!!!!

I have to admit, I am quite ashamed of myself the last few months. I have been quite a whiner, more so than normal. Maybe not out loud to others but to myself. I feel like I am always whining about not feeling up to par or about this thing or that thing, and then I feel quite guilty because of how blessed I am.

The end of January, I had a "small" outpatient procedure to remove some adhesions that were giving me some issues with what I am going to call "chronic" pelvic pain. I really thought that I was going to maybe only be off a day maybe two of work, so when I asked at scheduling if I could go back to work the next day, I felt like I was being laughed at as I was being told I needed to be off at least a week.

For those of you who know me, you know my passion is running. Running is my escape from it all, my outlet, my time alone to meditate and pray or enjoy God's beauty. Well I was thinking that this was a "small" procedure so after a week I should be able to go back to running, well I was very sore so I was good and I also listened to my husband who said you better wait and ask the doctor before you start back to running. (UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!)

So, I went to my post-op appointment, and guess what? I did what I said I would, I asked him if I could run (thinking that if not that week maybe next)... NOPE... at least 6 weeks... WHAT???? But at least I got a "You can work up to walking" turned into "You can briskly walk". (UGH).

So President's Day came and I still couldn't run yet and that is when it hit me hard. I know I sound like such a complainer... Booo Hoo Jackie can't run!

But when you take away something you enjoy it really is depressing!

And Do you realize how long it takes to walk 7 miles?

So I have been walking as much as I can up to seven or more miles & sometimes less. But it can be frustrating especially when you know how further you can run in the same amount of time you were walking.

Well, President's Day, I went to the park bright and early. It was so beautiful out, bright and sunny about 45 degrees when I arrived and by the time I left it hit about 60. When I arrived there were people everywhere, so there was NO sneaking a run in (although, I was thinking about it, but definitely would have been busted by someone who knew my "Personal Code's Enforcement Officer", Jason").

I started my walk enjoying the beautiful scenery. I have always said I would never run in a race, because all the people around it makes me anxious and I run to relieve anxiety not to bring it on. I enjoy running by myself or with friends.

I was a little irritated watching everyone who jogged toward me, as I longed to be running. But I realized something about myself I didn't realize existed; I am rather competitive without trying... Yes, I was a tad irritated when runners would run toward me, but as I was briskly walking I had a couple pass me. YES, an area that I normally run, normally no one passes me (well normally because not as busy I am sure) but I was getting more and more annoyed.

At one point a woman passed me and I found myself catching up to her. I wasn't running, I just picked up my speed even more and then I realized I was crying because I was so upset because I wasn't running... Isn't that HORRIBLE!?!?! I think there is actually something wrong with me!

Anyway... At that point I had to basically say "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? You are SO LUCKY! God has blessed you with a wonderful family & amazing friends, health, a home, a business. You had cancer and now are cancer free! And you are here whining and have been for the last few weeks because you are walking instead of running; GROW-UP! There are more important things to whine about and focus your energy on." So I finished my walk focused on just praying for all those around me having hard times.

Then after I recovered from this I had my wisdom removed on Good Friday, and of course I wasn’t an easy patient. It probably wasn't the smartest idea to have them removed before Easter, but I don't always do things the easy way. My chart ended up with a BIG RED FLAG. After surgery, my face bruised and I was the lucky one who got a “dry socket”!!! AHHHHH!!! So painful! So needless to say I saw the oral surgeon not a total of twice as planned, I saw him for I believe a total of 2 and half weeks after surgery. And did you know you can’t run after for a couple weeks after you have your wisdom teeth extracted? Uggghhhh!!!

Then my migraines just won’t settle down which is so frustrating! We switched insurance companies at the beginning of the year which was a mess! I was scheduled for Botox injections for the first week of January for my migraines; this set of injections would help me kind-of determine if they are really helping or not, well because the new insurance kept denying it due to “paperwork issues” I went over a month past the date I was supposed to receive the injections meaning the injections before were completely out of my system and I have to pretty much start over from the beginning to be able to judge if they are really working.

But on the bright side we have met our deductibles so far with all of Alexandria, Korimae, and my tests we have had.

Just like everyone else, there is all the extras that insurance didn’t cover, our truck is about dead… and there is a spot that needs fixed on the other vehicle… the central air went out at the house and is just patched until next year, etc… It just seems like when you think you’re getting ahead you take 20 steps behind…

Then there is our friends and family…It seems like everywhere I turn there is heartbreak.

A precious little girl so sweet, caring, and thoughtful, always one of the first to run up to me and hug me and say “Hey Coach” or “You're going to wear the Blue lipstick, right coach?” was taken too soon and went to be with Jesus. My heartaches and my eyes fill with tears every time I think of her and pray for her family and friends. I almost feel as if I have lost a part of my own family; I don't know how to explain it. I just loved this little one. As I run at the park and I see little blue birds and think of her and her cute giggle. I swear I can hear her say “run faster Coach” then I laugh…. And I think of this upcoming field hockey season and how it is going to be so rough without her!

Then it seems everywhere I turn someone I know well had a heart attack, some crazy disease, they have cancer, or passed away. I am half afraid to answer the phone at times or open the prayer chain email because of who I may hear about next. And I start to question God and I shouldn't and I stop and pray because I know I am wrong, and that there is a bigger picture and don't always know why and I have to just remember hand it over to God...

"Trust In You"- Lauren Daigle

It is crazy when someone you know gets cancer how many feelings return, but when someone really close to you gets the diagnosis the emotions that flow back are so powerful.

I am just almost over 2017…Why am I telling you all of this????

Not to pity me, but to be real! It is to say we all have difficult times. I don’t know why we go through these rough patches? I must believe there is a lesson to be learned. I think my lesson is patience, pray more, and to trust God more. Trust him that he will provide and give him my anxieties; stop worrying.

Is all of 2017 bad, NO???? Not at all!!!

I am still CANCER FREE, Thanks to GOD! I have an amazing family and friends that I have been able to spend time with and share lots of laughter, memories, and stories with.

I have been able to watch my girls play ball all spring. We are all healthy now (minus my exhaustion and migraines). Thanks to God and my amazing doctor the abdominal surgery in January, I will call a success; I still have some discomfort at times but not the constant pain like before! I have witnessed friends of mine healed of cancer. I have seen miracle babies born. I have heard countless stories of how God has been faithful in situations that could have been bad but turned out good.

I get to run any time I want and see beautiful canvases like the picture below that God paints just for me!

I guess I/we have to remember to live each day to the fullest, looking at the glass HALF FULL rather than half empty; only then can we really enjoy the Fruity taste of the WINE.

The Little Big Things

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Wed, 22 Feb 2017 01:39:00 +0000

Really?

It has been a crazy start of 2017. It has started off with dealing with the change in health insurance & fighting with them to get approvals for tests, medications, and procedures. Then our middle daughter, Alex, was hit in the head with a soccer ball at recess causing a mild concussion (which will lead into why I am writing this), our youngest daughter, Kori, ended up breaking a tooth and needed to see the oral surgeon to have it & another removed (thankfully they are baby teeth). Then a week later, I had an outpatient procedure done. No wonder we are already through January and almost through February, with running around with all these appointments for the girls and myself not including the rest of what life entails (New Years Parties, work, school, sports, dance, grocery shopping, birthday parties, Junior Bible Quiz practice and matches, etc...).

Thankful for the soccer ball to the head

Sometimes I feel God gives us warning signs and we either listen or we don't. Reminding me of the movie "Bruce Almighty" when Bruce is asking God for a sign and God has placed plenty of signs in front of him but Bruce fails to open his eyes even though he is begging for a sign.

Well our daughter, Alex, for the last few months had been complaining off and on about having a headache. (She is not one to complain.) We would treat the headache and assume it was sinuses, allergies, or some other logical reason and she would be fine. I hoped and prayed she was not turning into me with the migraines. She would also complain about ankle pain when she didn't even seem to do anything to the ankle.

One day she was hit on the head by a soccer ball during a game of dodge ball & she came home complaining of a severe headache. She whined all afternoon and evening about her head (even after applying an ice pack the head and taking Tylenol). We kept checking on her all night but the pain just wouldn't subside, so the next day I took her to see the doctor. While at the doctor's appointment, I spoke to him about her reoccurring headaches.

We discussed what maybe causing these headaches. Could it be hormonal, could it be her not wearing her glasses, could it be allergy related...or could it possibly be Lyme disease, or something else?

I was praying for an easy fix! I don't want her to suffer with migraines like me. That would just breaking my heart.

If the headaches were from her not wearing her glasses, that's an easy fix! Allergies would be a pain but at least we could maybe adjust her medications and hopefully her headaches would subside.

Then there is the Lyme... Our family is very active. We are always outside. The kids play outside all year, we like to hike and bike. She also goes hunting with her daddy. Given all of this and the area we live there was a strong likelihood she had Lyme.

But if she was checked for Lyme and that came back clear what could it be?

Well blood work was done... and sure enough she was diagnosed with Lyme Disease.

So here is my plea to you

Never once did I find a tick on her or a bulls-eye. I check my girls thoroughly when they come in from playing outside.

Thankfully my husband and I started paying attention to the signs that I feel God was placing before us and we brought it to her doctor's attention and had her tested for Lyme. She was started on antibiotics immediately and thankfully it looks as though it was caught early enough that there shouldn't be any residual affects.

Alex was complaining of constant headaches before we realized anything was going on. And looking back she also had other symptoms like ankle pain and muscle-aches and stomach issues.

So be an advocate for yourself or your child. Make sure if there are symptoms you speak up and look into them.

Some Early Symptoms of LYME Disease.

In the first stage, you may have a rash (erythema migrans ) at the site of the tick bite. You may also have a lack of energy or a headache and stiff neck. Sometimes people have no symptoms at this stage.
In the second stage, symptoms may include memory problems and pain and weakness in the arms and legs.
In the third stage, symptoms may include swelling and pain (like arthritis) in the joints, not being able to control facial muscles, and numbness and tingling in the hands, feet, or back.

http://www.webmd.com/arthritis/tc/lyme-disease-symptoms

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

The Struggle Can Be Real…

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Fri, 23 Dec 2016 05:13:00 +0000

It is hard for me to believe that Christmas is only a few days away. I feel like a broken record when I keep saying where did 2016 go? For me this year was a great year with so much to be thankful for. Each month just passed quickly as each day seemed to be “jam packed” with a schedule full of something from work, school, church events, dance, doctor appointments, birthday parties, sporting events, etc. I personally hope that 2017 doesn’t fly as quickly as this year has.

There was a day a few weeks ago, I went on a run. Well I run pretty much every day, but this day was different because it was about 20 degrees out and extremely windy. The wind was not my friend that day; it just beat me down. I was running into the wind and it kept pushing me back. At one point, it almost pushed me into a car, I had to throw myself a little to the left almost onto a bank. As the wind, would blow I would have to turn my head to the side or it would take my breath away. There were also times that as I was progressing up the hills the wind would sort-of lift me as I lifted my feet; it was crazy!

For part of my run, I veered off the main road onto a trail and I saw the wind had knocked down a tree limb.

I normally wouldn’t take pictures of this; but this day it made me stop and think. There are so many things in our lives that we wrestle with: relationships, jobs, health issues, etc. Do we let those issues cover our path and stop us dead in our tracks and retreat, or do we press forward and pick up each of those broken limbs and clear our pathway?

I chose to pick up all the pieces and continue with my run.

Some of you may know about my chronic migraines. I have always suffered with migraines, ever since I was a child but since my hysterectomy and chemo treatments they have been relentless. We are unsure why, I have been to specialists, and through countless testing, as well as different medications including Botox injections, without much success. I would say out of a month, I may go 3-5 days headache free. I may not always have the pounding or throbbing pain; sometimes I just have the other symptoms that go along with migraines ex. Nausea the vision issues, high pitched ringing in the ears, dizziness, lightheadedness, etc. I am pretty much exhausted all the time and in a “BRAIN FOG” … There are times I feel like I can’t remember anything because I have a hard time concentrating. But because I have these headaches constantly, I must push on, I can’t crawl in a dark cold room (which would be great). I must smile and act as if everything is fine. I also have been still having issues with some pelvic pain that just won’t go away…

There are times I just get to a point that I just cry, “WHY?!?!”

So why am I telling you all this? To pity me? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just to say, that sometimes even when things are hard you still should smile and push forward. Even when you don’t want to! That wind pushes hard and harder; but sometimes, you have to be stubborn and push back harder.

Then as I was running near the water I took this video of the waves and noticed that all the leaves were stuck floating in the corner. The sound of the wind was relentless.

It made me think that if I am not careful, I can be like that, stuck in a rut of discouragement, depression, just being a constant “Debbie Downer”, dwelling on the bad; floating in the corner not able to leave, allowing the wind and the waves to beat us against the shore. Trust me, it is much easier said than done. It is easy to just complain about the situation that you are in and to want to give up rather than focus on the good. Just know that you are not alone.

I am not giving up, God healed me of the cancer! I am just waiting patiently now for the other pain to be healed but I have faith and going to keep smiling because I don’t want to get stuck in that “rut”…

Psalm 59:17 (NET) You are my source of strength! I will sing praises to you! For God is my refuge, the God who loves me.

Live Like Your Loved

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Thu, 27 Oct 2016 23:14:00 +0000

We knew this time was coming, it was inevitable. A few months ago if you would have asked me how long I thought my grandmother would be around, given her health at that very moment, I would have said another ten years or more. Unfortunately, as many of us know our days on this earth are numbered.

This Monday, when I received the news that my grandmother had passed away I don't know that it really hit me. As I sit here thinking of tomorrows events, it hit me how much of an impact my grandparents really were in my life and my kids lives.

It has been years but I still miss the visits, the phone calls, and the cards from my Grandma & Grandpa S. (my mom's parents). I would give anything for The "Hug of Death" as I would call it, from my Grandma S. She had this winter jacket that I hated, every time she gave a hug not only would she squeeze you to death but the coat would jab your skin & it would feel like there were a million needles stabbing you to death. My Grandma S. was a hugger, even if she didn't know you she would smile at you and possibly go out of her way to hug you. Then there was My Grandpa S. was a small quiet man, I miss sitting on the ground under the blue sky staring at the clouds for hours and listening to his stories; I also miss sharing our birthday parties since we were 70 years and 1 day apart in age. I miss Grandpa Feaster (he was my Grandma O's second husband) and him pulling my pigtails as a kid calling me "farmer Jackie" and all the fun times with him. Then there were times with Grandpa O. (my Grandma O's third husband) teasing me,the trips to Carlisle, the mounds of mixed food on his plate, all the time spent with him, as well as playing cards together, and watching him do his crossword puzzles & word searches. The day Grandpa & Grandma O. brought us a stroller and I had to be the one to put it together; then the next day I gave birth to Candace.

Some memories just fly back as if it were yesterday; even though some were from when I was maybe only four and some when I was twenty-four. There are times I can still hear them all talking & laughing. I have even often times seen someone walking and think it is one of them and my heart skips a beat.

Now, my Grandma O. has joined the rest of my grandparents. She is now a part of my "past"; that thought is where it finally hit me. They are all part of my past. No more cards in the mail with her beautiful signature, no more phone calls talking about the day and what is going on in the neighborhood, no more visits, no more yummy deserts, no more talking about the kids and their sports or what is going on in our lives, no more talk about our love of jewelry.

I will just have the memories... Memories of sneaking upstairs to her bedroom (when I was to be heading to the bathroom) at the "mansion" (what I called her old house) and getting in her piano jewelry box & wearing her jewelry (thinking she didn't know what I was doing, but she did).

Then the times we would sit down and play duets on the piano, or when my dad and brother took her to get her car and I spilled orange soda all over my dress, and then there was the time I told her I bought my store (the look on her face was priceless). Those are just some to name a few...

This whole death thing isn't easy on this earth; granted knowing she is in a better place makes it easier. I am just very thankful for the last few months with her.

If you know a little about me, my grandmother and I are a little alike in this matter: we don't always show people how much we care about them, like maybe we should. We bottle things up inside until they all come out. Not always a very healthy way to communicate, that is something I have always struggled with, and still do to this day. I have however been working on this and been getting much better!

I also didn't inherit the "hugging" gene. I am one who has to "prepare myself" to give or receive them, or I feel as if I am going to crawl out of my skin. I am afraid I earned this gene from grandma. I remember my mom getting so upset with me as a small child because I was this way. I just know growing up, Grandma O. would hug us but when she hugged there was that sense of distance, but I am sure others could feel that same distance from mine too. But that is just us, it isn't that we don't like someone or love them, to me it is just something that doesn't feel "natural", "right", it is just "uncomfortable", and probably part of just our anxiety issues around people. Maybe was different for her, I don't know? I really never asked.

Last year when I went through my "cancer journey", as I will call it, I learned a valuable lesson: I was going to get many hugs whether I wanted them or not. Through those hugs, I sometimes laughed, sometimes cried, sometimes I wanted to crawl out of my skin, and sometimes I just felt like everything was going to be okay.

I learned through this journey how important a hug is for people. And although I am not a "huggie" person, that I need to "embrace the hug". I have had to pray about it, asking God to make me less "distant" or less "cold" and to let me not feel as if I am going to crawl out of my skin. Am I always okay now that I have prayed about it? No! But it has helped!!! The hug really does show people you care & even if you don't hug it is important to make sure that others really do know how you feel about them, that you do care/love them.

1 John 4:7 (NIV)Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

Although, Grandma always told us she loved us and we knew it; going through her place, I really saw some of the extent of her love for us. She saved each card and drawing from my brother and I growing up, as well as from our five kids. She saved the cards from our my parents and others close to her that she loved as well. I was able to keep her journals; skimming through them, I realized I forgot the date I bought my first car but she had that marked down: October 11, 1999. The date that my brother got his first big job title as a network admin (June 24, 1999) was marked in one of the journals, as well as other special dates that at the time might not have been that significant to us but they were significant enough to her to mark them down.

Over these last few weeks I heard the most meaning full "I love you" and "I love my family" I have ever heard. I am so blessed to have heard them from her and was able to tell her how much we loved her too. That is a gift I will never let go of!

As we go on each day, lets remember that we don't know what our next moment has for us or when will we take our last breath. Let's make the best of the time here on this earth. We, well I, need to remember to live like I know that I am loved, showing it through hugs, small acts of kindness, making sure that I don't go to bed angry at someone, and to remember to tell others how much I care and make sure to say those words "I Love You".

Revelation 21:4 ESV He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Gives me comfort, knowing that some day I will see them again...

I envision you all walking the streets of gold....Until we see you again and we can walk those streets together!

I Will Run & Not Grow Weary

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Thu, 20 Oct 2016 00:26:00 +0000

Isaiah 40:31 NIV but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

When I was sick last year, an anonymous person(s) sent me a stack cards (approximately the size of business cards) with scripture verses to help me though my journey. These all these verses incorporated my name in them (Ex. Though the mountains vanish, My unending love will never leave you, Jackie. Isaiah 54:10 or I will cause all things to ultimately work for your good, Jackie. Romans 8:28). Daily, I would go through the stack; sometimes a bunch of the verses would move me and other times just one verse would stick with me that day. These cards were and still are such a blessing to me. So THANK YOU who ever sent them!

The verse Isaiah 40:31, is one of my favorites & was one of those verses in the stack. When I had or am having a hard time, this verse tends to pop into my head.

When I think of eagles, I see a large beautiful bird, a bird that should have a hard time flying, but eagles soar or glide through the sky so high making it look so effortless. So the analogy of soaring on wings like eagles brings such hope to me.

Some Difficult times...

Honestly, the last few weeks have been difficult and well discouraging. I have still been struggling with constant migraines. After this second round of the thirty-one Botox injections, I was positive I was going to have a successful outcome. Unfortunately, yet again, they haven't seemed to have made much of a difference. These migraines drive me "mad" at times; I just want to rip my head off my neck. The nausea, brain fog, dizziness, as well as the pounding (are just few of my symptoms) can be trying and well exhausting. Even just "sucking-up" the pain or the other symptoms, can be just as exhausting as the migraines themselves. Sometimes I feel that not only am I suffering but I feel as though my family and those around me are as well.

Then I have been watching a woman, my grandmother, who was in decent health a few months ago, suddenly get sick, end up in the hospital, and then be transferred to a nursing home. It was almost a year to the date of my cancer diagnosis when she ended up being diagnosed herself; unfortunately at this point there is nothing that can be done for her, other than making her comfortable. Over these last two months, she looks as though she has aged 30 years. Watching her lay helpless only able to barely talk & communicate, breaks my heart; especially knowing that it is just a matter of time before her life here on earth will be over.

(I found this tank and it is so
"fitting" at times.
It is perfect for those moments
that I needed a reminder
not to give up...
It's one of my favorite tanks &
I have had a few people stop
me to tell me they love the verse!)

On top of all this, I am adding more and more to my prayer list for injuries or sickness, a well as hearing more and more people around me being diagnosed with the dreaded "C" word. It seems like my prayer list is growing rather than shrinking. My heart is just aching for each of these men and women! I just wish I could fix it!

And then there is everything else that life entails...

As I feel myself "growing weary", and questioning God... I am reminded by the verse to focus my eyes on the Lord; He is our strength!

I love the analogy about running and not growing weary. By now, you obviously know I enjoy running. If you run, you may have had that feeling at the beginning or middle of your run that you can't run any further; then "BAM," all the sudden a boost of energy hits you & you have the feeling you can conquer anything! So basically when I am weary God helps give me the strength to keep going!

I'm NOT Going to Grow Weary or Faint

As I have stated before, I have always struggled with self-esteem issues. So about a year ago I started writing inspirational quotes as well as verses on a dry-erase board, a chalkboard, as well as the mirrors in my master-bathroom to help remind me of what was really important. Sometimes these quotes I write deal with self-esteem, they remind me to be a better mom or wife, or they just maybe a verse or inspirational saying that hits me that day...

Well the other week I walked into my bathroom and saw that our youngest daughter had drawn a cross on my mirror as well as stick figures (five of them representing our family) with hearts that said "I love my family". Then this past Monday, I walked in and saw her drawing again; at least I thought she was drawing until I saw this!

She asked me for some help with the spelling and the verse references. But WOW!!! Melt My Heart!

It is awesome how God works. He used my youngest daughter at the perfect time. I needed these two reminders! These two verses I had been really drilling myself with and I know she saw my notes around the house and my tank with the one verse on it, but little did she know I needed to see them again and really needed to focus on them. (That's thing I like about using the dry-erase markers on the mirror; while getting ready, when you look into the mirror you have to focus & look past the writing. Numerous times I end up reading it before I can focus on the subject behind the writing).

So when I just want to say forget it, I am tired of seeing these specialists, I might as well just suck-up the pain because nothing is going to change; I have to remind myself "I will run and not grow weary" and " I am going to run with endurance the race that is before me." I am not going to give up on these headaches, I know that God is the ultimate healer. Now, is just not my time for whatever reason!?!? I just need to remain patient, pray, and keep doing my part in trying to find answers.

And as I keep going to see my grandmother, I am going try to take-in these last moments with her. As I have flashbacks of her in her younger healthier years which makes me both happy and sad at the same time, I have to remember at least God has blessed me with having a great family...And he has blessed me these last few weeks with hearing her continually say the heartfelt "I love you" or "You know I love my family" (if you know my grandmother, you know she really didn't say those words freely; although though I knew she did). I at least know that when her time comes to leave this earthly home, someday we will see her again; but watching someone go through this isn't easy.

I feel like the more I pray for a world free of cancer, the more people around me are affected by it. But again, I am reminded not to grow weary & to continue to pray, to continue "to run with endurance this race before us", to remind others to take care of themselves & stress the importance for routine check-ups, to bring awareness to others because their life is important, and to remind those going through the hard times that sometimes it may not seem like there is going to be an end to the trials, but to put trust in God and he will help them through it all.

I am going to put my trust in God...

(The song above is one of my favorites. It is on my inspirtational playlist. Below are the lyrics.)

My Revival

Lauren Daigle

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk, I will not faint

I will soar on wings like eagles

Find my rest in Your everlasting name

You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

I will run and not grow weary

I will walk, I will not faint

I will soar on wings like eagles

Find my rest in Your everlasting name

You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

Oh, You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

Oh, You are my revival

Jesus on You I wait

I'll lean on Your promise

You will renew my strength

Oh, You…

Going Afraid

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Sun, 18 Sep 2016 16:36:00 +0000

So this weekend I attended a wonderful, well amazing women's conference called the "Belong Tour" (what was formally Women of Faith). I was able to spend it with a bunch of amazing women from Friday through Saturday night. My friend Karen introduced me to two lovely ladies that I am so blessed to have met and know that they are also my "Sisters in Christ" and well the fact that our outstanding personalities all meshed really well together was awesome too.

Over the course of the conference were what our team organizer called "nuggets" that I or we would tend to pick up from the conference. These "nuggets" per say were the GOLD or the DIAMONDS as I like to think of that spark my interest, that pull me in, or make me say WHOOOO...

One of the nuggets that I really pulled from the conference that I remember the four of us ladies were talking about was the one phrase that a speaker said... it basically was to "GO AFRAID". WOW! I felt her speaking RIGHT TO ME!!!! This was crazy to me... Because the whole week before I had this struggle... which I will explain later...

So basically she wasn't saying you need to be afraid the whole time when you go out to do something. What I took from it was, she was saying if God leads you to do something and you are scared to take that step, DO IT ANYWAY! If God wants us to do this he will help us through it. If we are scared of the pain it may cause or make you feel, of rejection, of being ridiculed whatever and do nothing & we just sit in our homes how are we going to honor Christ? How are we going to make ourselves stronger?

She basically said that if we stop being scared of pain we will find our purpose. How crazy is that!?!? So if we stop being scared of pain, heartache, and rejection and then take that leap of faith & just do it, God will show us our purpose; wow..

So anyway, here I go again!!! This whole blog thing was a step of faith for me... Hence the name of the blog! TOTALLY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. I am not comfortable talking about me! I felt pulled to do this a year ago and like I said before kept putting it off, thinking that this crazy idea would go away.

One day I was talking about it to a wonderful woman, Elaine; I just love her. I was telling her how I would love to help others and was thinking about writing blog. As we talked, I told her I was struggling because I don't particularly like talking about me and obviously writing a blog I would have to & that is pretty uncomfortable; then the fact was I just didn't really know where to begin. I also was throwing around the idea about maybe writing an article for the newspaper on ovarian cancer awareness as well as just thanking the community. She loved all these ideas.

The next thing she says to me was, "Jackie, I really think you should speak at the Relay for Life. You would be great." "I didn't realize she had any say in who speaks at the Relay, Oh, my... now what have I gotten myself into?" These were some of the thoughts going through my mind as well as "How am I going to get myself out of this mess, I am totally not worthy to speak to all these people, there are so many other people that would be better than me, I am not a public speaker...." So I politely declined. She looked at me and put her hands on my hands and said something like, "Please don't say no yet, think about it and pray about it, and give me an answer in a couple weeks."

After she left I walked back to my computer and checked my e-mail. There was one from our pastor, I started reading it, and stopped. Oh, my! I think this was me being hit in the head with a brick by God! In it our pastor was asking me to speak in front of our entire church body at a brunch giving my testimony on how God has worked in our lives especially over the difficult times. Guess what time it was sent to me???? Yup, you probably guessed it... The same time I was being asked to speak at the relay.

Did I call and say yes to both? No, I talked to Jason about it. I prayed about it. I ran at the park and for days stewed over it. Then the song "I am not Alone" kept playing and the words "you will go before me" kept playing and I kept feeling this burden that I needed to do this! At the park I said, "OK GOD! I will e-mail our pastor and tell him I will do it, and if it goes well then I will say yes to the relay." (Basically making a deal with God...) After I agreed to speak, I felt this burden lifted from my shoulders;it was so crazy!

Well I was SCARED! I was so nervous that Sunday and EVERYONE was there. (You have to understand our church is probably one of the larger ones in the county and we have two services and both services were at this brunch meaning hundreds of people) I prayed that I wouldn't fall! (Because if you know me I am a huge klutz!) After I didn't fall, I trembled as I introduced myself to everyone.. "Hello my name is Jackie and I am 30 years old until I tell you otherwise", God allowed me to use my dry sense of humor to get everyone laughing (I am obviously not 30) and calm me down. Once that happened I don't remember anything else; It wasn't me talking, God was speaking through me! Everything just flowed out of my mouth.

Remember that deal I basically made with God? I shouldn't have made a deal with God. I picture him laughing at me because he knew that I was going to be speaking at that Relay! He knows that ultimately in my heart I want to help others & make a difference even if it is just one person. I spoke at the Relay for Life; it was a wonderful experience, the set up was beautiful, the community support amazing, the love and just I can't even explain what I felt that night it was an experience I will never forget.

I was so scared before that speech! But my biggest prayer was that I could reach one person that needed to see a doctor; it didn't have to be about ovarian cancer, it could be for depression, heart issues, diabetes, or whatever. I was not expecting to hear from anyone but God answered that prayer and he even showed me that he answered it! I had a woman message me that night saying she had the symptoms I spoke of and she was calling her doctor, then another woman contacted me, and I had someone say, "I haven't been to my gynecologist in years I am calling because of you this week." Tears started flowing after each person contacted me and thinking about it they still flow!

So I have been taking those steps of faith and stepping WAYYYYY out of my comfort zone. I was afraid to do something... and kinda like those old Nike commercials the line "JUST DO IT", I felt and still feel God was and is telling me "Jackie, Just Do It! Trust me!". Granted I did it, and I was trusting God and I am amazed at the outcomes so far.

September 6th, I had a phone call from my oncologists office. It was the day before my appointment. I was thinking, "they must be calling to reschedule". The girl on the phone said to me something like, "I have a strange request, someone here at Pinnacle saw your blog and knew you were a patient here and wanted to see if you would be interested in doing an interview; I can't release any info without your permission, would you be interested? If you want I can have them call you and they can fill you in and then you can make the decision." I was on put the spot, and trying to think of what to even say. I knew that I had come this far, so might as well find out what it is about, so I said "OK!"....

Within Two minutes I had a phone call. I was told about this video interview. I was totally nervous! I was thinking, "I am not sure that it was my thing!" Another example of something WAY OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE! As I was being told about the interview I was also told that if I was going to do it they were conducting the interview tomorrow morning. This was to spread awareness for Ovarian Cancer and they wanted to do it right away since it is September and Ovarian Cancer Awareness month as well as show off some of Pinnacle Health's services. "AHHHHH Tomorrow MORNING!!!! Oh my!!!! OK God what do you want me to do????" All these thoughts going through my head. Then the thought went through my head. "You have come this far, it isn't about you, it is about those you can possibly help." That is when I said yes. https://youtu.be/YlR1klFY4LU

So as the speakers this weekend talked about; sometimes we can't just take the "easy button" in life, sometimes we have to run in scared!

This morning we went to church our pastor summed up the weekend's conference perfectly with his message; I love when this happens.

Basically don't let the fear control you. Let God take control of your fear so he can allow him to lead and direct your life.

https://youtu.be/f8TkUMJtK5k

My friends Heidi and Karen both said to me (I never thought of it until they brought it up) something like, "God had a reason for you to create and post your first blog post around the anniversary of you surgery. September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month and he showed it to a person who was moved by your story enough that they wanted to interview you and share your story."

All I can say is---- WOW!

I don't know what God has in-store for me next, but I know I have to remain open-minded and ready to receive.

What About you? What are you going to do, Take the "easy button" or trust God and go for it, even if afraid?

A Little Bit of Stubborn Spunk with Those Fries...

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Mon, 12 Sep 2016 13:32:00 +0000

From the time I was a young child I always had to be on the move. Growing up we didn't have a television in our house until I was in fifth grade. That television was not hooked up to anything but an antenna for local channels to watch the news and to a VCR to watch movies. This gave me a chance to ride bike or run up and down our street, swing for hours, lay under the clouds using my imagination to see what images the clouds would form, jump rope, play basket ball, basically to just be a kid. This is so unlike many kids today, stuck in the "electronic world".

I was a "perfect" child who never got into trouble; you can ask my parents. Ha Ha. Okay, I had my moments. IF my brother and I (he is about seven years older than I) got ourselves into trouble and were disciplined for it, mine was different than his. He got paddled (which was rare because he really was a good kid) and I was stood in the corner. Not because my parents loved me more... It was because it worked best for us. He could have sat or stood in a corner for hours but the paddle was more effective. I begged my mom to paddle my butt so that the punishment would have been DONE & OVER, standing in the corner was TORCHER & BORING; but nope she knew this was the most effective method for me.

When I step in the house where my grandparents lived, the memories flow back. We joke about my permanent nose mark in the corner by the basement door. And I laugh because I can still see my brother running circles around the kitchen and living room to get away from my mom and the paddle.

I am one that has a hard time sitting still, I almost get anxious if I am cooped up for too long. So when I was stuck in my house last year after surgery, I felt like I was under "house arrest". My mother was stuck to me like glue (granted she was wonderful) but I couldn't even lift a finger without getting in trouble. When I finally got the "go ahead" to start working out and going to work I felt like I "BROKE FREE"! It felt wonderful and I definitely tested my limits and probably did way too much (which everyone was worried about). When I did too much, ohhh I felt it!

I had many people keeping me "straight" from my wonderful hubby, to my kids, to my momma (who spent pretty much every day at the house), to my dad, and in-laws, as well as my best friends, and then there was Bobbi Jo... Love her...

Bobbi Jo definitely tried to keep me straight and well still does. There were times that she would check in on me everyday and sometimes a few times a day to see how I was feeling. Like my mother, she could somehow miraculously tell if I had "overdone it"! There would be days that she knew I was doing too much, so she would say something like "I sure hope you are resting sweetie..." and her heart is just so full of love and concern. So in order to assure her I was fine and resting, I would send her a picture of me "resting". (Like this one.)

When I was told by my doctor that I could "start to work back to running" meaning WALK, Jason & my mom were not the only ones who worried about that; Bobbi Jo was I think just as worried if not more concerned! Everyone knew that once I was cut loose and I wasn't going to look back.

At one point, Bobbi Jo threatened to come to my house and take all my sneakers away because she felt I was over doing it. So I told her she would have to find them all or I could just go in my bare feet. And we would both just laugh. But she definitely helped keep me somewhat grounded and still does!

Lately....

As of now you all know I love to run. Running is my outlet.

I get my hubby out with me and he loves it just as much as I do. Okay, now I am lying! He loathes it! But he does it because he LOVES ME! and look he has a smile on his face. And I am a nice wifey and maybe I occasionally bribe him with a nice Bunny Burger and Fries (maybe this actually happened twice) with extra Bunny Dust from the Red Rabbit (a local drive-in traditional food restaurant). (Kinda like those pictures you see on social media with the women running because there is a bottle of wine dangling in front of them, haha...)

Snow, sleet, rain, sweltering heat, it doesn't matter I love to run in it all. Well I have always suffered with migraines. These migraines can be so severe that I feel I can barely function, I sometimes lose my vision or get tunnel vision, I get nauseous, feel so weak, my head feels like it is going to pop off my body, my brain is in a complete fog, and I just want to sleep for years (and I get so may other symptoms). I have over the years learned to just DEAL. SMILE. Act as though everything is fine. (During my the whole ordeal last year even my doctor and nurses had no idea I was in a full migraine attack. Like I said I can hide it well. When you have a family and business to run there is no time to be sick. (I have to say after my momma came to one of my appointments the doctor was clued in on what my mother calls my "tells" of when I am sick (and I could/can no longer get away with it).)

Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Lately, I pretty much have a migraine every day. The severity is different. My meds are adjusted so if my vision goes it tends to only be for moments not for hours for the day. But I still run; if I didn't I wouldn't ever be able to run. There are times in the straight areas when no one is around I have to close my eyes so I don't toss my cookies. As my feet hit the ground the pounding in the head can be so much more intense but it is what it is... Once I am done, I tend to feel a tad better.

But right now I am really bummed because I am on day FOUR, yes FOUR of not running because of this!

Ugh... I am NOW WHINING!!!!!

Normally, nothing can stop me even the darn migraines, I will find a way. WELL THIS DID!

Well originally when I did this, a week ago, I was hit on the inside of the ankle by a flying field hockey ball and the ankle looked like this. I babied the ankle all night, icing it on and off into the next morning;the swelling went down! It was stiff but I ran five miles on it the next evening (although it was sore at first, then turning into pain three quarters of the way through my run) & it swelled up again, so I iced it. Again, the swelling receded and the pain decreased; I ran on it the following day. Each day after seemed better and better. It was as good as new, until I started playing field hockey against my whole youth team (almost a week later). I would say I aggravated it a tad during that little scrimmage.

Even as I am typing this blog, I am trying to think up ways of how I can go for a run with this bummed ankle. Like maybe if I wrap the ankle tighter and make it a shorter run because the swelling is down. What if I just use Mr. Elliptical today that shouldn't jar anything, right? Or maybe I will just ride my bike..... I am such a genius, soooo smart right? Well I have never said that I was smart!

I guess I will Slow Down, TODAY.

Last year before I got sick, I remember we were so busy going from point A-Z that we didn't have time to stop and even breathe. I remember saying to my friends "I just wish I had a day to stay home." (Wish granted. I had many days at home.) Sometimes, I feel that we just need to slow down our busy lives and stop and smell the roses. This just maybe my time to stop and smell those roses. So I will stop being stubborn and rest this ankle as to not make it worse; I don't want to be out of commission any longer than need be. Maybe swimming will be the workout of choice today.

And when things don't go my way, I need to stop having a pity-party and be thankful for all that I have! God has blessed me with my life & health, my family, and friends.

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV) Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character; and character, hope.

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Inspirational Playlist

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 06:10:00 +0000

These are just some of the songs that are on my playlist. They have been such a blessing to me through the good and the bad times. Hope they can be a blessing to you!

One of my favorite hymns. If you read one of my posts you will understand more of the significance it has in my journey...

"It is Well With My Soul" . (Here are a few versions)
https://youtu.be/rQDvTqV5Dq0

https://youtu.be/2f51RxuScoA

https://youtu.be/o7WDJCLlrko

A song that is so special to me "Through All Of It" by Colton Dixon was shared by a friend of mine when he found out I was sick. He was such a fighter and definitely and inspiration! He is now cancer free and free of pain walking the streets of gold with or Lord. The words to this song are so moving and every time I hear this song I think of him; I am SO blessed to have known him! Love you Josh!
https://youtu.be/91KliTa1ksY

"Need You Now" Plumb https://youtu.be/9ylnx0NA9X4

"Eye Of The Storm" Ryan Stevenson https://youtu.be/cp92va3OB6Q

"Trust in You" Lauren Daigle https://youtu.be/n_aVFVveJNs

"O'Lord" Lauren Daigle https://youtu.be/fxr5pckM8i4

"Healer" Kari Jobi https://youtu.be/j2W88vWt30A

"I Am Not Alone" Kari Jobi https://youtu.be/bfveawSAHJA

"Legacy" Nichole Nordeman

"The Unmaking" Nichole Nordeman

"Every Season" Nichole Nordeman

"In Christ Alone" Mercy Me https://youtu.be/c2fZZLwRcBI

"Come As You Are" Crowder https://youtu.be/r2zhf2mqEMI

"I Am" Crowder https://youtu.be/cH_LLGiE0f0

"Lift Your Head Weary Sinner" Crowder https://youtu.be/xPpEOUVpxrM

"I Need A Miracle" Third Day https://youtu.be/bTjimzpyE4k

"I'll Be Your Miracle" Third Day https://youtu.be/sPNF1U6trAE

"Cry Out To Jesus" Third Day https://youtu.be/JmVxRl5bc4Y

"Drops In The Ocean" Hawk Nelson https://youtu.be/bZH13wFGffg

"Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" Chris Tomlin https://youtu.be/Jbe7OruLk8I

"Praise You in The Storm" Casting Crowns https://youtu.be/uHdcyue0bSw

"Set Me Free" Casting Crowns https://youtu.be/Y2HwtWLokSc

"Lifesong" Casting Crowns https://youtu.be/vaia32TsPq0

"Lord You Know" Riana Nel https://youtu.be/O40bH9Kb2Yg

"Brave" Moriah Peters https://youtu.be/6xWBuWtC8MY

"Broken Hallelujah" The Afters https://youtu.be/Fo3DudOzV4k

"Jesus Take The Wheel" Carrue Underwood

https://youtu.be/lydBPm2KRaU

A Sharp Nail...

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Mon, 05 Sep 2016 15:42:00 +0000

I am far from perfect. As you probably read in a previous post I talked about my insecurity issues as well as some of my anxiety issues. We all look at social media at times and see our friend's posts mostly showing the good & fun times (especially if you are looking at their pictures). How often do you see a post with horrible pictures? I know I am guilty, I don't like to post bad pictures of my family or myself. We tend to put our best foot forward, we want the world to see us in our best light.

The other morning I was running, I felt this pain on the side of my toe. I knew what it was immediately. I had just given myself a pedicure not long before and must have not removed a sharp spot on one of my toenails. That nail must have grown enough that when I stepped it hit the side of the next toe. Each step I took I felt the sharp stabbing pain. Ooh it hurt! I thought to myself, "When I get to the top of the dam I should sit down one of the benches and see if I can remove the sharp spot..."

I bit my lip the whole mile and a half until I reached the dam. It hurt soooooo bad!!! Then my stubborn streak started brewing the closer I got to the benches and I started thinking, "If I step a certain way it won't hurt as bad, then I won't have to stop and take my shoe & sock off, and I can just keep going." So I adjusted my step & stride and it did help, just a tiny bit!

I ran to my car, finishing up seven and a half miles, that morning, I thought my toe was going to fall off! The throbbing didn't stop the whole drive home, I took my sneakers off in the garage and put them on the shoe dryer, hobbled into the house, and as I was getting ready to head up the stairs to shower I bent down to remove my socks & realized I had a trail of blood on the floor. My white sock was now a red sock. My toe was completely torn apart because of a tiny sharp edge on my toe nail.

I have also done a similar thing with a small piece of gravel. Somehow a small and even almost microscopic piece gets in the shoe and I am too stubborn to stop to remove it and I end up with a huge blister or a bloody foot. You would think that I would learn my lesson by now!

The little things in our lives, like the sharp nail or the gravel, may not seem like a huge deal but when we don't deal with them immediately they slowly start to tear us apart and before we know it the small wound can become huge and out of control.

Dealing with physical & mental pain has been just something I have learned to do since I was a teenager. I am a "people pleaser". So I try to keep peace as well as if anyone ever said hurtful things to me or about me, I just pretended I had thick skin and dealt with it. Or if I didn't like a situation I would just bottle up my emotions until one day I would explode (not very healthy by the way). An example of physical pain: I remember back when I was a teenager I didn't want to have shoulder surgery. My left arm was pretty much just hanging on, I could rotate it almost a full 380 degrees and couldn't feel my fingers at times as the pain would shoot up and down my arm and radiate down my back. Until finally my parents surprised me the day before Christmas by telling me I was having surgery to repair the torn and stretched-out ligaments in two days (WHAT A GREAT CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! Not!) Then the following fall, I fell on it playing field hockey and re-injured it, I definitely didn't want to have surgery again. So, I dealt with the pain for well over a year before my parents insisted on surgery again.

And then there were the ovarian cysts that I had dealt with rupturing from the time I was about sixteen or so. It got to the point that I just would crawl in a ball and pray the pain would go away at times. The pain medications wouldn't always take it away. There was no use complaining because that only made the pain worse.

The one thing I learned to do is to try to NEVER complain to others about the pain. Yes there are times someone like my mom or husband may notice that I was or am in pain or not feeling well and they will start talking to me about it & then I may whine; but being in daily pain I have just learn to deal or maybe even adjust to it. I found that if I put a smile on my face it helps some and the more I focus on the pain the worse it becomes, kind-of like the sharp toenail, I kept running on it and when I changed my positioning of how I landed on it, ignoring the pain and focusing on something else the pain didn't go away but it made it more bearable.
.

This all being said, I have lots of examples of of how a something so small could cause so much hurt, but today a story comes to mind...it is from our beach trip the other week, A drive that should have taken about four hours took well over 5. I packed the car the night before hoping that we could leave bright and early and be at the beach before lunch hopefully by ten or eleven o'clock. I woke up with yet another migraine, Pudge (one of our cats) realized "something was up" and decided she wasn't happy so she peed on a throw rug (UGH!!!) and I had to clean that before we left, then she peed in front of the litter box and I had to clean that, then my car wouldn't start, and then I spilled a quarter bottle of water down over me (if you don't think that sounds like much water get a water bottle and dump a quarter of it on you.) We obviously had a late start and didn't finally exit our county until about nine-thirty. We made it to the beach by about two o'clock and met up with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and my nephews.

Things were going well. We had a great time for the couple hours we spend on the beach until we left the beach to find the rental office. (We had to go to the rental office to pick up the key to the house we were staying at for the next few days.) At this point I have to admit I was on edge; Yes, I was excited because we were on vacation but I had one of my endless migraines as well as a fair amount of abdominal cramping (that I have still been experiencing), I was being hovered by extreme exhaustion (nothing uncommon for me as I'm still struggling with managing my energy levels),plus a tad bit of disappointment that we hadn't reached our destination earlier in the day (allowing us spend more time at the beach), and then the fact that the now we can't find the office and are driving in circles (and we needed to find the office within the next twenty minutes before it closed didn't help either).

Jason and I had a misunderstanding with the directions to the rental office. I have to admit we were both right and we were both wrong! It is how men and women look at things differently. One book I once read described it as the man looks out of blue glasses and the female looks out of pink glasses. That was exactly how it was! Well lets just say it didn't go well! He was exhausted and started to get upset with me, I started taking it personally and the conversation it got heated. I am totally ashamed of how I acted and the words that came out of my mouth that never come out of my mouth. I actually had to apologize to everyone and to God for my actions because they were unacceptable.

Why am I telling you this? Because I feel we all go through these days... The little things can just start adding up in life. That little piece of gravel or that sharp nail can now become what causes a small wound which in turn can become larger if we are not careful! Maybe if I would not have been so stubborn & would have been upfront explaining to Jason that I had a migraine& that I was exhausted instead of just putting on my "happy face"pretending all was good all day instead of hiding the fact that I didn't feel well and "sucking it up", and if we both would have been more open to listen to each other the trip to find the rental office wouldn't have turned out as "heated". Maybe it would have, I am not sure? Like I said we all have those moments, we are all human. It is how we deal with it once it happens is what matters...

Ephesians 4:26 In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil the foothold.

But IF I would have let that fester & not brought attention to to it, not taken the high road realizing that I was also at fault in the situation, and didn't have to be "always Right Jackie" and apologize; that wound would have gotten larger and what good would that have done? It would not have only impacted me (eventually could have impacting me spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally (obviously)), but it would have impacted my husband, my children, and all of those around me.

Thankfully, we both apologized; traveling (especially the first day) can be very stressful. HA HA

I thank God for an amazing husband and for my wonderful children.

Remember that those tiny pieces of gravel can cause huge wounds! Don't be stubborn like me and take action, remove the gravel from your shoe. You don't know what your next breath will bring so don't go to bed angry. Try to figure out what is upsetting you and work on fixing it.

Words Can Hurt...

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Sun, 21 Aug 2016 19:29:00 +0000

Insecurity & Anxiety

What I am going to say in this post isn't to get any "feel good" responses. It is something that I struggle with daily and I am not proud of. I hope that maybe me bearing my soul about this issue can maybe some how help or empower someone else.

Many who know me do not realize how insecure I am. I hide it very very well. I pretend that everything is fine, I try to stand and walk tall and keep a confident smile on my face at all times, all the while feeling as though I am going to crawl out of my skin at times.

The earliest I can remember having self-esteem/self-confidence issues was around the age of four or five. I remember being in kindergarten (at the age of 5) and twice a year doing the height and weight check; I hated it, I didn't want anyone to see how much I weighed! (Strange for a 5 year old especially because we didn't have a tv at the time so I didn't see commercials about weight, no one talked about weight around me, my parents told me I was pretty, so unsure why I was that way???) I have never felt that I was pretty, just always felt ugly, If I do feel good about myself it is that I feeling of "normal" or that I look "ok".

I actually saw councilors over the years to help with the issue. It is strange & hard to explain: It isn't that I care about what other people think about me, because I REALLY DON'T! It is HOW I FEEL ABOUT ME! When I see someone look at me, if I feel they are maybe looking at me funny, then those insecurities I have about myself jump out. If they don't like how I look I don't care, it is just my perception of my own feelings and they are in my mind confirming my own feelings. It is hard to explain, Jason doesn't quite understand; I know I am not alone with this because I have some friends I have talked to who feel the same way or at least have agreed with my statement & they don't think I'm completely nuts (haha).

There were times I would tear my closet completely apart and just sit and bawl because I felt that nothing looked or felt right on me. Most of the time when I looked in the mirror would I see "ugly" or "deformed" & I ended up picking something apart about my looks. You would never catch me wearing shorts because I absolutely didn't like how my legs looked in them. (Granted I would complain about the shape but thank God for giving me legs that worked!)

For years I wouldn't go to the pool because I wouldn't put a swimsuit on; then a friend of mine told me I was selfish because my girls were missing out on so much fun because of me; then I finally bought a few swimsuits and took the girls to the pool. So glad I did, because my kids were missing out and so was I!

Going into crowded areas is nerve wracking to me. Sometimes, I am OK if it is with people I know or if I have something to keep me occupied, but if I don't know many people or have nothing to keep my busy I just want to crawl in a shell. My comfort zones are at my store, at my house, and at family & friends homes (for the most part).

My anxiety is also not just related to physical appearance it has to also deal with how I articulate what I am saying. Many times I can feel uncomfortable around people because if I am uncomfortable to begin with I begin to wonder are they picking apart my words... then the vicious cycle starts.

Loosing my hair kind-of helped my insecurities. (I still have them but it did help.)

Learning I was going to lose my hair

My hair was to the middle of my back; it hadn't been that length since I was in middle school. It had taken me years for me to get my hair to that length. There would be days I would wear it down straight, or I would curl it with steam rollers, I would braid it, put it in cute pig tails, to funky up-do's, crazy braids. I enjoyed all the possibilities I had! I even wore a purple feather in my hair for years to see if any of my customers would be offended by it before I put a nice sized purple streak through it.

Not only was my hair there to cover my head, it was to help me hide from the world. If I was having a rough insecure day I felt as though my hair helped shelter me. I could wear it down and hide from everyone (in away) or if I did something really fun with it and stylish it would take attention from my face.

I don't know why, but I was blindsided when my doctor informed me that I was going to loose my hair. It was something that I had not expected. As he was removing the staples from the incision site and telling us about the chemotherapy process & the side effects, the first thing he said was "you are going to want to cut your hair"...

What? I was going to loose my hair? No... He had to be messing with me... I started bawling. Those words hit me so hard. I felt guilty, because I was so strong through everything but now I was so upset and crying over "hair". I had so much to be thankful for and again I was crying over hair! Ugh!

I had about 3 days (not in a row) that it bothered me. I told myself I was going to go through my first treatment with my long hair and I did. But my doctor was correct, the weight of the long hair would pull my hair out faster, so after my first treatment my best friend, Heidi, took me to get my hair cut.

The hair cut was emotional. Thankfully, my friend Becca was the the one to cut my hair, which made it easier and my friend Tricia stopped by to help be my emotional support. I had a slight breakdown that day but having my three friends there made the transition easier.

By the beginning of the second month of treatment, my hair was falling out and got to the point that there was large clumps missing. I was shopping for a homecoming dress for Candace with all my girls as well as my mom. I looked in the unforgiving dressing room mirrors and I actually for the first time the way my hair looked I felt it made me look sick. (I didn't feel as sick as what I looked which brought more insecurity over me, something I really didn't need at this point of my life.) I finally made the decision to finish the process and shave the rest off.

A couple days later our Aunt (who is a cancer survivor) did the honors and shaved what was left on my head off. Amazingly, I felt better! I didn't feel like I looked sick any more... It was as if I took control of my insecurity as well (granted I still had my moments).

My husband, who isn't a huge social media fan, insisted that I needed to post a picture of myself with the new bald look. Why? might you ask... Well he knew that I needed to do this. He knew those insecurity demons would be roaring ready to come out again... He knew that if I showed the world what was under the head coverings, I wouldn't feel as though people were staring and wondering what was going on underneath the head coverings, they would already have seen the bald head. I never imagined the response I received by that post; I figured I would hear from my best friends, family members, and co-workers maybe, I never imagined seeing hundreds of responses and likes to the post. The love and support I felt was amazing. At times reading the posts I actually felt beautiful. Although I may not have believed all the positive comments, they were so uplifting & I learned to graciously accept them.

So when you think about it today, when you see someone tell them how great they look or how beautiful they are. You will make such a difference in their life!

Bright Colors

I decided that if I was going to lose my hair I was going to find and wear the brightest lipsticks. So I found the brightest red, pink, and purple lip colors I could find. The lip color helped in my mind also take eyes away from my painted on eyebrows and eyeliner (I never gave it a thought I would loose my eyelashes and eyebrows another thing to attack of insecurity). They have been an everyday part of my routine. My girls ask, "why do you put your make-up on even if you are not going anywhere?" It is because it mentally makes me feel better. In my mind, the bright crazy lips help bring me my confidence, it is "my style" almost like my hair was. My hair is back and at the colored lips are here to stay.

If you find something that makes you feel more confident go for it...

How words can hurt--It is just hair or is it?

Luckily, I like to think I have pretty thick skin or at least pretend I do. I try to be aware of what I say and what I do because I know how it can hurt. Words and actions hurt. That old saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me", false!

There are times that I have gone to bed upset because I thought that I hurt someone's feelings by what I said or how I said it. I have found myself apologizing and many times the person I apologized to can't even think anything of what I did. I am just super sensitive to peoples feelings; probably because I am a people-pleaser.

So talking about insecurity issues and hair I have two examples of how we need to be careful what we say, especially if we don't know the situation.

I was working in my store one day and waiting on a friend of mine when a woman (I will call her "Alice") walked through the door. I started waiting on "Alice" when she looked at me strange and kept looking at me with a look of disapproval (causing the insecurity daemons in my head to start brewing). Finally, "Alice" says to me, "You cut your hair!" (It wasn't in a playful tone, it was in a disproving tone). I really didn't want to have to go through my whole story. So I just replied in as sweet tone, "Yeah" and continued to show her items. "Alice" didn't take the hint, she kept harping about my hair. I could see my friend was getting furious. Finally, after numerous times of her saying things (obviously I could tell she didn't like my hair), she said to me, "why would you go and cut your beautiful long blonde hair?"...( I felt like she just punched me in the gut,,,, (REALLLY!! Be nice, be nice.. be nice." was what I was thinking... now what do I do... ), My response was "Well if I had a choice I wouldn't have done anything to my hair, but I didn't have a choice." Thinking that she would take the hint and drop it, right? NOPE.... "What's that supposed to mean?" she said. (Oh my, really!?!?!?) "Well, I had cancer and lost my hair and it just started growing back," was my response. She looked at me and all she could say was "Ohhh... " The look on her face was priceless.

Which is such a great reminder, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all!

Our words, tone, actions can make a difference. It doesn't have to be just about how someone looks. Treat people how you would like to be treated.

Sometimes people talk just to hear themselves talk. I admit, I think I do it and I need to work on it.

This really nice woman (I will call her "Andee") was talking to me and telling me how much she loved my hair (which has been a normal response now, doesn't sound bad, right?). "Andee" kept on talking about how pretty my hair looks and how she loves how I cut it short and it kind-of has a vintage 20's look with the pin curls. The conversation was going well until "Andee" started telling me how she would love to cut her hair but she is afraid to, because her hairdresser once butchered her hair and it was horrible. Then she started saying something like "if my hairdresser would ever butcher my hair again and make me almost go bald, it would kill me. I would just die". I really wanted to say something, I should have said something, but I was angry at the moment and would have said something I would have regretted; silence was the best option at the time.

If I could go back and say anything it would be. " Go for the new hair style. If your hair ends up butchered it will grow back. It won't kill you. I had cancer and lost mine because of treatments a few months ago, but mine grew back and loosing my hair didn't kill me."

This reminds me that we need to remember we don't always know what people have gone through so choose your words wisely!

Proverbs 21:23 He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity.

This all being said, me being plagued by insecurity my whole life, the journey we embarked on this past year definitely taught me so much!

If you suffer with insecurity, remember it is a daily battle but don't give up. Know that God loves you no matter what!

God doesn't make junk!

I am still learning to stop being so hard on myself. It hit me when I started loosing my hair, "If I don't care about what people think, then why do I care what I think about myself? So I Need To Stop being so hard on myself. Since loosing my hair I pulled out the shorts! If I can walk around bald I can walk around in shorts... Life it too short to care about my thunder thighs.

Our looks are only skin deep and will only last a short period of time. What really matters is what is in our heart, not what our face, hair looks like, or what body shape we have. (This is a hard one sometimes)

Three Verses that helped & continues to help me with insecurity:

There are a bunch of verses that help me though this daily struggle. But these three are ones I have posted in my room and pop up on my phone as reminders.

I have a friend that we made each other accountability partners. When we are being too hard on ourselves we text each other. I recommend it to anyone who is going though this or something similar; it is amazing how much this has helped!

1 Samuel 16:7 (NIV) But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Psalm 34:5(NIV) Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Why Start A Blog???

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 04:15:00 +0000

For months, I have felt led by God to start a blog. This is another big leap of faith for me, I am not sure how this blog will turn out? I feel that I am to share my story on Ovarian Cancer; especially being being diagnosed so young.

This blog may get into what God has done and is doing in my (our) lives, as well as some things that I might struggle with in my daily life and the ways that I find to cope with those struggles that I feel may help others, or maybe inspirational things I may see that day or month. I am not sure how often I may write. I may even just write about the snake I saw on my run that really wasn't a snake but a bungee cord.

If you subscribe, like I said, I am not sure what will come out of this. I am apologizing now for not being the best writer; my grammar & spelling is terrible.

I just pray that this can be a blessing. I really don't feel completely comfortable talking about "me" but I hope that by doing this God will speak through me and help someone.

About Me...

My name is Jackie. I have A wonderful husband, Jason and three beautiful daughters, Candace 16, Alexandria 10, and Korimae 8. I own my own business which I had the incredible opportunity to purchase eleven years ago. I love and enjoy spending time with my family and friends, coaching the youth field hockey in my town, reading, running, watching my kids play all their sports and dance, and taking lots of pictures. To me, running and listening to music takes me to another place and helps sooth my soul...My favorite hymn “It is Well With My Soul” has helped me get through many the tough times (I will explain further, I am sure).

Difficult Times

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 04:07:00 +0000

I love running; it is "Soothing to the Soul" (how I like to sum running up to everyone). Running to me is my outlet helping me to release anxiety and stress. If I go out on my own, it is my one on one time with God. I listen to music, take in his beautiful artistry, meditate and pray, whatever...

This morning I started my run a little later than normal. As I was running so many thoughts and feelings were creeping over me. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. From my constant pain I am still having, to thinking about my grandmother being in the hospital and not doing well, to friends and acquaintances of mine struggling with cancer and other issues. The song "The Eye Of The Storm" by Ryan Stevenson started playing as I started running towards this beautiful painting from God in front of me. (The picture you see above.) My emotions really got the best of me. I had to take a picture.

As I was taking the picture and continuing my run, I thought "Sometimes this road we call 'life' can have it's difficult times, pain, and sorrow. I don't always understand why but sometimes when I allow myself to open up & develop an even closer relationship with The Divine, the issues don't necessary go away; but the peace and comfort I find is what is so soothing to the soul."

You may be surprised that if you asked me, "Would you go though 2015 again?" what my answer would be... My answer would be Yes, if I had to I would. Would I want to, no but I still would do it.. Why would my answer be yes? Because, although it was probably one of the worst years of my life, I learned so much about myself. I thought that I had a faith but I can't explain how I really felt God's presents like no other time in my life! I realized how strong I actually am. I realized how amazing my husband really is... (I knew he was amazing but he far exceeded my expectations). My relationships with my family strengthened. I live in a community that is small and it ended up that it really isn't as small as it looks it has the biggest heart. I also look at is as there is always someone out there that had it far worse than I did. And IF what I went through (my story) can help just ONE person it will all have been worth it!

Your sadness may last for a night, but joy will come in the morning. (Psalm 30:5)

Wow, It has been a YEAR already!

noreply@blogger.com (TJBGirl) — Thu, 18 Aug 2016 03:16:00 +0000

Today is August 15, 2016, and it is hard for me to believe that a year ago, yesterday, I entered the hospital not knowing exactly what to expect. I knew that I had a large tumor that the ultrasound & CT scans showed was "cancerous" but we were praying that they were wrong and the tumor was benign.

But what led up to this diagnosis???

Extreme fatigue (to the point that some days I could barely get out of bed and function), with fainting spells, weight gain, severe heartburn, and other medical issues started plaguing me on a regular basis. I was running daily (up to around 55 mi. each week and I was to the point I couldn't even run). I went to my primary care physician as well as my gynecologist and had countless blood-work and tests done. No big red flags came out of all the testing. I became very frustrated with going to the doctors and not getting answers and stopped going to the doctors.

I knew from some of the results from the testing that my Vitamin B12 & D counts were on the lower end of normal, my hormones were alittle out of wack, and that I had PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome).

For years I dealt with ovarian cysts rupturing as well as infertility issues. The pain had just been a fact of life and I just dealt with it because I am they type of person who doesn't like taking medications.

A year before my diagnosis, a cysts was discovered on my left ovary on an ultrasound. A few weeks later a second ultrasound was completed showing the cyst had decreased in size. (Between the two ultrasounds, I was in so much pain, my guess is, the cyst may have ruptured and shrank.)

I wasn't getting answers to my symptoms & I was feeling worse day by day. My self-esteem was suffering even more so with the weight gain.. Finally, I took matters in my own hands, assuming it had to deal with the PCOS, I did research on diets that would help the PCOS symptoms. At the beginning of 2015, I changed my diet and added vitamin supplements. After making these changes, I started seeing some improvement in my health. I started having a tad more energy (not much but a tad), I was less bloated, it was a start; so being stubborn, I assumed my symptoms were diet related.

July 30, 2015, at the age of 33, I had my worst “attack of heartburn” yet. Some of my symptoms included swelling up to the point that I appeared 6-8 months pregnant & could barely move. The pain was so unbearable that simple things, like breathing or sudden movements, like turning my head or moving my arms, hurt. There were numerous times over the course of two days I almost passed out & I was unable to eat or sleep. Thankfully, I finally listened to my body and saw the doctor, instead of waiting for the symptoms to subside. (If I wouldn't have seen the doctor I am sure things would have turned out way different). An Ultrasound & CT were completed and a grapefruit sized tumor on my left ovary was found and considered to be ovarian cancer.

It Is Well With My Soul

The song was written by Horatio Spafford who lost everything; he lost his business in the Great Chicago Fire, his son died, his wife and daughters left for Europe and their ship sunk and only survivor was his wife...But he kept on going.... and he wrote the hymn "It Is Well With My Soul". Mr. Spafford reminds me of Job (my hero!). Job went through sooooooo many trials but never turned his back on God. Job kept on pushing forward even when everyone told him to just give up!

For weeks leading up to the diagnosis (before I even knew I was sick), this song "It Is Well With My Soul " had been playing in my head. Everywhere I went, the song kept playing. I thought it had to deal with other events happening in my life.

When I went in for that ultrasound I had no idea that it the results were going to show anything more than that I had "gas" or that fifteen minutes after leaving the facility we would receive news that would change our lives. I wasn't worried during the ultrasound & I felt calm the whole time I think because God kept playing that hymn over and over in my head. At the time I didn't know why; I just assumed the hymn was just acting like an "earworm". When my primary care physician called and insisted that I come into her office, I refused making her tell me the news over the phone & I remained calm... I really believe God put that song in my head to prepare me for the journey.

Throughout the whole journey that hymn was with me (well because God was with me). It became such a staple that everyone around me pretty much knew about it and I ended up with a bunch of pictures and plaques with the words "It Is Well With My Soul". Now I have strategically placed around the house these plaques, so when I am having a hard time I see them and it really helps set my mind at ease. God is Good!

The Day of Surgery & Days After.

Our doctor knew we had hopes of another child, which was possible even removing that left ovary. Unfortunately, when he went to remove the tumor he discovered it had already ruptured (probably explaining the extreme pain that I felt, like someone was ripping my insides out which brought me to my knees the week before). Due to the severity, our doctor couldn't save the other ovary and had to do a hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. Which was heartbreaking at the time and still is if I think about it. (I always wanted a large family, if I had kids.)

BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS. DO NOT BE TERRIFIED; DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED FOR THE LORD YOUR GOD WILL BE WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO. (JOSHUA 1:9)

Knowing we couldn't have any more children naturally was and is difficult but I am so thankful that God gave us three beautiful daughters. While I was in the hospital God reminded me that I have three amazing daughters and that they really are miracles. Knowing this helped with some of the guilt I was putting on myself and also helped get through the pain.

I was stuck in the hospital for almost a week. Yes, I was so ready to be at home. While in the hospital I was already "testing my boundaries"... They said that walking around the 5th floor would be good for me, so I had the nurses and the aids help me hobble around the 5th floor. There came a point I convinced them I could go on my own, I WAS FREE!!!! I probably walked a hundred laps. All I wanted to do was go home and I was going to prove it!

I think it was the 4th or 5th morning in the hospital when my doctor realized what he was up against:A stubborn bullheaded woman... It was early in the morning and I couldn't sleep so I asked for help to get up to walk. Not only was I bored and unable to sleep, I was going to prove I could manage at home. I probably had been walking laps for a good 30 min. (I normally walked until I couldn't walk any longer or I got too dizzy. Of course didn't let them know I was dizzy). Well my doctor came to check on me, and couldn't find me, OOPS... You should have seen his face when he found out that I had been walking all morning.

I joked with Jason and my nurses that this must my "Tracking Devise" since I was obviously a "flight risk" and must have been the reason they put this on my wrist.

Road to Recovery

Recovery period was rough... Lots of pain but I got through it with lots of help and support from prayer warriors, as well as family and friends support!

I went through a three-month chemotherapy program. It wasn't fun. There were definitely some rough patches. But on the bright side Jason and I had a "date" day every Monday. Those months of chemo definitely brought us all closer and made us realize our priorities. But praise God, I am cancer free!

Our family gives all the God all the glory for helping us get through all the highs and lows. Our thanks also goes to our AMAZING community for the prayers, love, and support that was given throughout the whole journey! I truly believe that without God, Family, and Community, the healing process would have been IMPOSSIBLE! I had to learn a huge lesson in pride though all of this. I don't like to accept help, (because I am stubborn) from anyone and at a point I finally had to swallow my pride and accept help.

It is crazy, I received hundreds of Get Well and Thinking of You cards and NOT ONE matches... How does that happen? (It has to be a God thing!)

AWARENESS

Lately I feel my mission is to make sure that everyone becomes more AWARE. If you are reading this please don't be stubborn like me & have regular checkups. Listen to your body! You may not have "ovarian cancer symptoms" it maybe symptoms dealing with your heart, or with migraines, or a knee injury for instance; but if you feel something is not right, keep pushing for answers! Make sure you don’t skip having your physicals. Your life is worth it!

Some Ovarian Cancer Symptoms:

In early stages, there may be no symptoms for ovarian cancer and the symptoms of ovarian cancer can be easily confused with other conditions.

These symptoms include: • Vague abdominal pain and pelvic discomfort. • A feeling of being bloated or noticing that clothes don't fit as well as they once did. • Loss of appetite or feeling full even after a light meal. • Gas and/or indigestion that persists over time. • Unusual weight loss or gain. • A change in bowel habits, or a frequent urge to urinate. • Unexplained fatigue or back pain. • Unusual bleeding or discharge. • Pain during intercourse. • Shortness of breath. (If you have symptoms such as these that won't go away, and cannot be explained by other reasons, report them to your doctor.)