“Always believing that God is doing something in you, through you, with you, and for you.”

I really believe that we can get down about life when we stop believing in these truths.   Remember getting notes from a friend of that cute boy or girl that simply said “______ likes you. Do you like him/her? Circle ‘Yes’ or ‘No’”? Like early teenagers, we get excited when we find out that someone likes us. But when it comes to our relationship with God, we have lost the wonder of that note, or don’t really know how to answer it anymore. It’s something that I have to tell myself over and over as well. Since my wife and I left my previous church employment, church family, and place to live, we can get down and “lost in the fog” since we have yet to see God’s “next” destination for my employment. God has still shown us much ministry though.

We visit with people who get lost and can’t see what God is up to in their lives. We visit with people who believe God just doesn’t seem to be interested in their hurt. We visit with people, like ourselves, that often lead others with a limp. If I can confess, there are times that I’ve stop believing God is doing something in me, through me, with me, and especially for me.

To get over this dangerous road or rut creation, I’ve clung to God and His Word. I cling to the truth of God’s statements, to the truth’s of His love note. I cling to words like hope, living hope, love, and joy. I cling to descriptions of His plan and salvation. I cling to the reality that little on this earth matters in the scope of knowing Him and knowing the exceeding great power of God that raised Jesus from the dead. I cling to the promises that He will abide in me and love me, that He will never forsake me, that He who began a good work in me will complete it, and that it is He who provides a hope which does not disappoint. I cling to the reality that there are many others who need such encouragement.

I wanted to pass on these two messages that I recently watched because I know there are countless others who need a little nudge in believing God is up to something good in their lives. Make sure you watch both messages by pastor Steven Furtick.

http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/found-favor/1

Paws and Tales is a radio program from Insight for Living that is now in animation. Paws and Tales‘ aim is to communicate biblical truth through meaningful stories and music and to show kids how they can apply these truth to their real life.

Having never heard this radio program nor seen the animated DVDs, I chose to review their latest installment called “Being Kind and Caring.” It was number 8 in the series. However, the actual lessons on this DVD were on forgiveness and working together based upon Matthew 18:21-22 and Matthew 6:14. The DVD included two episodes, approximately 25 minutes each and includes audio in Spanish. The DVD also includes bonus features such as additional activities and some helpful teaching resources for parents to continue the discussion about the lessons they just watched.

Having a 4 yr old and a 9 yr old, I was quite surprised as they were captivated by both episodes and wanted to watch them again. The animation is well done and the story was well crafted. I expected the story to be cheesy Christianity in which the characters always acted godly and righteously. The characters were not flat, but quite dynamic. They expressed their frustrations, their anger, their thought processes, and their weaknesses to not quite be willing to always do the right thing. The characters bust out in song to carry the lesson across. The video for the music is a retelling of the story. It has a way of repeating the lesson so that the children comprehend the point of the story, rather than just knowing what happened. I’m actually quite interested in getting the rest of the series.

According to FCC regulations, I received this DVD free from Tyndale Publishers for this review. However, the review are of my own thoughts and opinions.

Here are my suggested 5 ways to show real encouragement:

1) Just be there and listen for many days after.

People are pretty good about giving you their condolences during the heat of the battle. They can be quick to show up and help out. But I’ve come to believe that it’s the weeks after and in the particular memorable times later on that become the times when people really need some type of encouragement. The problem is that people don’t go around announcing a battle re-occurrence. Being there right when it counts is huge. And since you never know when those times might arrive, check in often. Job’s friends comforted him for 7 days without saying a word. It’s only when they started talking after Job shared his pain that problems were created.

2) Meet some real physical needs.

In the most commonly quoted Philippians passage of “I can do all things through Christ,” Paul is talking about his ability to live with a lot and the ability to live without. Paul mentions that only a small group of people sent him gifts. This gift contained meaningful items to him. It wasn’t that Paul expected a gift from anyone, but it was nice to actually get something tangible, knowing someone was thinking about him. People enjoy receiving something more than words. Not that words aren’t important. We should give encouraging words. But maybe a little more is required. Sometimes we need to “put our money where our mouth is.”

3) Tell them and remind them of the good things to be done together.

Encouragement comes during times of discouragement. These are times of despair, hurt, and hopelessness. Reminding them of the good they have done in you and could still do may give them a spark to see the value they still play. We, as humans, often respond to what we see. And if we see no one impacted by our existence, it makes us question and even resent many things including our purpose, our personality, our responsibility, our beliefs, our values, our friends, our career, our family, and our God. Yet, it only takes 1 to reset the course of destruction.

4) Make the encouragement personal.

Sometimes there is nothing worse than a boxed encouragement. Christians often like to do this in the form of giving Scripture to the problem. We quote verses like Romans 8:28 or Jeremiah 29:11. Although these verse are very true, they can be misplaced if it makes little sense to the person receiving them. It would be like giving them a snake when they were asking for something to eat.  It would be like saying you would pray for them when they were asking if you could watch their kids or help them move. I’m not minimizing prayer (as you’ll see in #5) or giving of Scripture, but get to know what’s going on with the person so you can rightly land all those types of encouragement on target.

5) Pray for them and, if possible, with them.

Knowing someone is praying for you really does a lot. It helps us know that we aren’t fighting these battles by ourselves. There’s also something about praying with someone in person. It takes that encouragement and makes it personal. We can actually hear the prayers of the other person that said they were praying for us. Jesus said in Matthew 18:20 that “where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am with them.” We already have Jesus and the Holy Spirit speaking on our behalf. Praying with them in person reflects that God is there for us as well.

Certainly I have a long way to learn these suggestions myself. I know that I could have done better in many cases. There’s plenty of opportunities to encourage someone right around us. What else would you add to the list to make encouragement, real encouragement?

There’s a story of Jesus telling certain people that they weren’t there when He needed them. Confused, they asked when that happened. He responded by saying that it happened when they failed to meet the needs of the poor around them or failed to visit those in prison. For when they failed in helping those who needed them, they had actually failed to be there for Jesus.

The writer of James in the New Testament tells us that our true faith is evident when we respond appropriately to God’s Word and message. We can’t just listen. We must also do. For example, if someone comes to our door looking for help, but we tell them we will pray for them and send them on their way without attending to their need (when we actually have the resources to do so), we have answered incorrectly. To say we have faith in God, but lack in responses to show it, then we are spiritually deceived. James says that even the demons are convinced of God and tremble.

God’s message is always awaiting our answer. We aren’t going to get condemned for our incorrect answers. This isn’t about doing good things in order to gain salvation. This is merely about putting your money where your mouth is. This is walking the talk. This is reflecting the One we say we believe in.

As you enter and leave your time of Bible reading, or hearing a message at church, or having a spiritual conversation with a friend, be ready and eager to listen to what God is saying and asking of you. He’ll be looking for our answer, our response. He’s not eager to smash us if we mess up. He’s eager to rejoice in our desire to respond with evidence of our love and belief in Him.

There are some who would say that the Bible is full of wisdom and principles from God that lead us to discover success in life.  In this reasoning, the Bible gives us the keys to know how to unlock God’s secret rooms and methods toward fulfilling our dreams and gaining earthly blessings. These nuggets of wisdom and principles also help us deal with humanity so we can live in the land of peace, liberation, and prosperity. But I don’t think this is what the Bible is for. Most of us would agree that the Bible is God’s story of providing the solution to our sin problem. It is the revelation of Jesus Christ and our need to believe in Him by faith. Yet, why do we continue reading the Bible for anything else?

In one sense, I believe we then reduce the Bible and the hope of its message to following the Old Testament “law of works” to gain spiritual growth. We often resort to learn the “do’s and don’ts” of the Bible in order to practice them to gain something for ourselves or some sort of increase in our spirituality (the way spiritual people would say it). But if we know that we can’t increase our spiritual standing before God, what do we mean by spiritual growth?

We turn into the people of Galatians in the New Testament who added Judaism to Christianity by adding the good works of the Law for their spiritual growth in Jesus Christ. Paul spent a big portion of his letter to this church for deserting the true gospel.  We do the same thing when we buy into this false goal of Bible reading.

When we define spirituality with blessings of this kind, we reduce the idea of spirituality to an odd and unbiblical concept. Spiritual growth is not that we get to a higher level of spirituality (if that would be possible), but that we gain a better understanding of our need for a Savior and God’s solution to that problem. More Bible reading helps us grow in our knowledge of what we learned from the Bible in the first place. Spiritual growth is that we become more obedient to the spiritual life we now live by.  Following those “do’s and don’ts” in the Bible are done only because we know that God commands us to act like we already have a relationship with Him. We show that we are in God when we love one another (John 13:34-35). It’s an expression of our relationship with God rather than a means to gain more of a spiritual standing with God. When we fail to live by those commands, we only express that we don’t live by that relationship, but for ourselves.

We can’t build upon our spirituality with deeds because it’s foundation is not deeds. We live to proclaim our acknowledgement of God in our lives. We read the Bible to understand how we can do that more. We read the Bible to put the goal and center of our existence in God. We read the Bible to be reminded of our need to be corrected and produce more good stuff in our lives for God rather than the pursuit for our happiness and pleasure. Not that God wants us to be miserable. Total opposite. He desires for us to be blessed and have abundant joy, but not so we can spend it on ourselves. During our reading of the Bible, we do find out that God does have blessings for those who live this way. Praise God that He does bless us with every spiritual blessing in heaven through Christ! There’s no secret or key to God’s blessings. They are free for all who live by faith in Christ. Keep reading your Bible to gain more understanding of this truth you believed in already. Keep reading your bible to understand the depth, width, and height of God’s love. You won’t get tired of reading it because it becomes fresh every morning. We have a poor memory, don’t we.

Dan shared some great thoughts about what this time of separation is for and what it is not for. I believe every couple should develop healthy times of separation. Let me describe what I’m talking about.

I’ve always enjoyed the principle that a New Place + New Pace = New Perspective. Jesus frequently withdrew from the crowds to spend time with His disciples. Jesus frequently withdrew from His disciples to spend time with His closest followers. Jesus frequently withdrew from everyone to spend time alone with God the Father. 

Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 describes how married couples are to be united and fulfill their “marital duties” on a regular basis except for selected times of separation for prayer.

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Co 7:5 NIV)

Notice how Paul says “by mutual consent and for a time.” Leaving the house during a fight is not this (I would suggest that it’s okay to leave a room to gain self-control, but not to get into a habit of leaving the house during a fight). A healthy separation involves a conversation which comes to agreeable terms for a selected time, a selected purpose, and for reuniting. A healthy separation is not a time to see if the couple loves each other and should come back together. A healthy separation has concern for each other to reunite after the selected time, no matter what. Unity and a focus on God, His Word, and His Work is the utmost importance. Christian marriages especially should be a reflection of that relationship with God. But all of that gets blurred over because we become so busy with “life.” I would encourage you to read what Paul says in the rest of the chapter.

I wonder what would happen if we would really put this principle into practice more. I would have to believe it could protect us from feeling that our only option is to leave the house without a plan, without a purpose, and without a care. Having no plan is a plan for Satan to step in and make his own. His plan is to tempt you to destroy your marriage and your relationship with God. Don’t be stupid to think it’s not true. Reacting to a situation or spending too much time away from your spouse can be dangerous.

Don’t misunderstand me. The separation I’m talking about is preventative maintenance and not repairing something completely broken (that’s how we normally equate “separation”). Create time for nights out and weekend retreats. Make some of those to be with each other. Make some of those times to be alone. Make some of those times to hash out life with trusted friends of the same sex. Make some of those times to be for personal reflection and prayer. Make some of those times for building the marriage relationship. Make some of those times for having fun. And make the focus about getting back together, ready for life, rather than a time to simply withdrawal or “get away” from the problem.

“So we didn’t follow through on the divorce, and after a month of being apart, we kind of knew that we wanted to reconcile. I can’t say that I would advocate couples who are going through a hard time to separate. It seems to have helped us in a few different ways.  Again, I’m not proud at all of my separation. But I can say that I have learned a lot about myself through this:

“1. I learned that there is not another woman in the world that I want to spend my life with other than my wife. That was an eye opening experience for me. I thought that we were too incongruous to have a good marriage, but when it all boiled down to it, I discovered that loving someone means staying with them even when you disagree with them.

“2. I learned how to make distance when the sparks fly. You know that passage about not letting the sun set on your anger? I was the one who, when tension rose, would demand peace before going to bed. (How do you demand peace?) So I would get more and more frustrated when things couldn’t be settled (and sometimes “things settled” meant “get my own way”). We still have disagreements on the phone, but I have learned that often, peace comes by allowing yourself and your spouse to be alone, to remove yourself from the tension, and relax before you impulsively use your tongue to inflict more conflict.

“3. I have a lot more friends now than I did. Back home now [Dan moved completely to another state during this separation], I have some friendships, and I do open up a little bit about what’s going on in my life with a few people. It is good to have the lines of communication open with other guys who can give you some perspective when you are feeling down or angry or frustrated.

“4. I learned God’s nature… weird as it sounds, from all the badness came forth this renewed fervor.  God, for some odd reason, still blessed me. He blessed me with a great job, great new friends, and a bigger picture of who He is. I didn’t deserve any of that, but that’s grace.  A progression based on unlearning. I was extremely black and white in the way I became. Everything is either all good or all bad. Nothing was ever all good, and when things were all bad, I would let loose on myself. I got to the point where I was ready to walk away from the faith, because I knew I couldn’t ‘do it’ right. I made it way too legalistic, and when you’re under all that tension and anxiety, it is easy to lash out.”

What are some warnings or advice for couples considering separation?

“If a couple is leaning towards separation, I would say consider a few things:

“1. Separation isn’t a trial period for dating other people. I both loved and hated my alone time. I loved it because it gave me a chance to breath, to ponder, to explore my heart and my mind again, to remember the things that are wildly important to me that I may have been overlooking. I learned to read a LOT, and relish it deeply. I had amazing conversations with myself. I hated my alone sometimes because I was lonely. But you have to feel loneliness in order to give perspective to the situation. If you fill your time thinking that you could date others, you will miss the awesome chance for delving deep into your emotions. Not only that, the grass is not greener on the other side. You miss the chance to grow and change, instead covering up your past failures and running headlong into potential new failures. Changing mates won’t make you happy.

“2. If you are fighting about finances, separation will only make your finances worse. Don’t separate over money thinking that you will be financially better off for it.

“3. Find people with whom you can talk. You should do this long before your marriage gets bad anyway. If you don’t have people in your life you can be honest with, without fear of judgement (let’s face it, if you think someone is going to judge you for what you say, you won’t say what is really on your mind). So much of the frustration I was holding in could have probably been vented if I had allowed myself to grow close to people… or continued looking for people that I felt I could grow close to.

“4. Spend one day where you battle yourself anytime you think the problems in your life are caused by your spouse. It is FAR to easy to be discontent with your own life, and blame it on someone else. Simply by proximity, you will always blame your spouse. That is exactly where I was. Discontent with my life, and blaming it on my spouse. If makes nothing better, only worse.”

I think Dan’s advice goes a long way. There are things that marriages should put into place before this type of separation comes into play. And we have to be honest with ourselves about what’s really going on in our minds. I have to be willing to accept that the common denominator in my problems might be me. Times of separation help flush those out. I think there are times of “separation” that should happen and can happen in a marriage without ever moving out. That’s what really is helpful and what I want to address next time.

“So, basically my situation is kind of unique in that when I moved out, we had filed for divorce. When I left I was an incredibly angry guy. I mean it didn’t take long to figure out that I was wrong (I knew I was wrong in leaving, but I was such a bear at the time, my wife said she was relieved).

“A part of me wants to give the easy ‘Christian’ answers, because I don’t really want people to know how sucky I was when I left. I mean, for years, my wife and I battled over just about every aspect of our lives. When to have kids, how many kids to have, how to have those kids, where to live, who will work, who won’t work… we were simply never on the same page. Ever. So, I guess the goal for me of separating wasn’t so much to seek reconciliation as much as it was to just get away from a toxic situation. When you’ve had all the arguments you can have, and it just sounds like you’re repeating the same things over and over, it can put you in a rut. I don’t think I realized it at the time just how much of a rut I was in.

“So my intentions in leaving were not noble in any way. They were absolutely selfish. I felt as though I had lost complete control of everything that was going on in my life, and despite the fact that I knew better, I left. I willfully disobeyed God and left. To be honest, at the time, I didn’t really even want to be a Christian anymore. I felt like it wasn’t the life for me. It was too demanding. I was following a set of rules and expectations.

“But regardless of the ugliness of the separation, I can say that I have learned a great deal. Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of accountability now. I had “accountability” before, but I felt like advice I had gotten was canned, the “right Christian answer”… which is important, but can be discouraging at times. Those answers can sometimes leave you feeling like you just have to work harder at it. And then, 3 days later, when you failed again, and people ask how things are going, you don’t want to let them down, so you put on the fake smile and tell some anecdote about how the advice they gave you 3 days before really ‘blessed’ you. The truth is, everyone struggles in marriage. Everyone fights about stupid things, and there isn’t much of anything new under the sun. So don’t be afraid to ask for help when yours is troubled, and don’t be afraid to be honest about it.”

I think Dan’s marriage is like many Christian marriages that struggle. In the sense that Christian marriages often try extra hard to hide behind the goal of looking like a two people loving each other, every minute of the day. Living within this smoke screen eventually chokes us out. Feeling trapped, alone, lost for answers, and unhappy naturally lends itself towards ending the marriage. Some divorce and some separate (whether leaving the house or simply becoming ‘roommates’). The goal of separation is often simply to get away from the situation. To suggest that the goal is reconciliation or restoring joy in the marriage is perhaps a thought lost long ago. I hope this helps describe where a couple may be at in their marriage and better equip you if you are those who want to help them.

Although leaving the house and separating doesn’t always lead towards reconciliation, Dan’s marriage did exactly that. There is hope and healing. I believe there are some things we can think about and have in place during this time of “separation” that will better prepare each other to see reconciliation as an option. We’ll hear more of Dan’s story tomorrow.

I’d love to begin around some questions and thoughts about separation. I’ll also be sharing some testimonies of people who have actually been separated. They’ll share their stories and what happened through their time of separation. I’d love for you also to share your experiences as well. (If you’d be interested in guest blogging for this series, email me at info@steveblumer.com, you can remain anonymous). First, here are some questions I’d like to consider:

What does one do and not do while being separated?

What is the goal of separation?

What might happen during separation that one should be prepared for?

What are some expectations about boundaries, accountability, communications, telling the kids, length of separation, etc. that the couple should agree upon?

And are there ways we can put the idea of separation into place without actually leaving the house?

Think about these questions and how you would respond. We’ll begin shortly in addressing this issue. I’m praying it will be a source of blessing for you, your marriage, and hopefully for marriages that we really didn’t know needed it.