I know you’re waiting for some juicy details or some practical how-to’s, and those will come, but rather than knowing how to apply some band-aids or how to cope through your marriage, let us get to the heart of the matter and deal with things in their basic form first. This lays the important foundation for why you should be married in the first place.

So when we talk about what a marriage is suppose to reflect, what do we have as a goal? I believe the standard is shown in God and His chosen people. It is shown in Jesus and the church. Not only in the New Testament, but the Old Testament has much to say about a healthy and redemptive relationship that is worth calling a marriage.

Before we get further into this, we need to note that a comparison between a husband-and-wife with God-and-His-chosen-people does not mean we completely identify the husband to God and the wife to His chosen people (though we will discuss this connection in Hosea), nor do we completely identify the husband to Jesus and the wife to the church (though we will discuss this connection in Ephesians 5).

It’s too easy for some Christians to jump immediately to this connection and play the Bible card in order to set “godly” structure to this power struggle. This mentality places the husband in his “rightful” higher position and often then gives the woman a reason to believe the church sees wives as doormats or service employees. Women evidently lash back because we haven’t changed out of the power struggle described in God’s judgment of sin. When the husband tries to rule over her, she will try to rule over him. And when she tries to rule over him, he will try to rule over her. Calling it biblical or godly, doesn’t necessarily make it righteous or redemptive.

To me, the redemptive power of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is not a better way to move the pieces around, but has always been about a change in the pieces altogether. When God through the blood of Jesus Christ redeemed the relationship between humanity and God, it brought about a new creation for those who believed and trusted in Jesus as the Savior of their sins and the Lord of their life (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 6:4, Galatians 6:15, John 3:1-3). When God talks about redeeming the relationship between humanity and creation, it is brought about in a new heaven and a new earth at the end of the age found in such passages as Revelation 21, 2 Peter 3:7-13, and Romans 8:19-23.

It’s then no surprise why Christian marriages don’t often look much better than non-Christian marriages. At any point of conflict, husbands and wives have the choice to live out their marriage relationship in reflection of the natural and sinful power struggle or to live out their marriage relationship as a reflection of a person changed by the saving power of God. All power struggles are solved when we realize that the power is really God’s. His power was used to completely change the game and win back the power struggle. He redeemed the relationship not only between husband and wife, but between God and His chosen people and between the good and evil that battles within each one of us individually.

If we hope to win in this power struggle in marriage, we need to make sure we understand where the real battle exists and what the goal of winning reflects.

To the woman he [God] said, “I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Gen 3:16 NIV)

The Hebrew word “desire” simple means “longing, desire, urge.”  The word seems to carry the idea of desiring it’s object to the point of control in order to have one’s way with the object. It is only used two other times in the Old Testament. It is used in Genesis 4:7 to describe Cain’s sin as crouching at his door, longing to get him. The solution is for Cain is to master his sin (before it masters him). It is also used in Song of Solomon 7:10 to describe a man’s longing to be with his woman in a romantic and sexual way. The solution for them is to go spend the night at the countryside and in the morning she will give him her love at the vineyards! Desire in these contexts is not just a temptation, but a strong urge and longing to do what it takes to get what one wants.

If Genesis 3:16 is talking about the woman’s desire for her husband in a sexual way (which some seem to suggest and I’m sure the men were hoping for), then it doesn’t make sense to compare how the husband will then rule over her instead. This isn’t a matter of sexual position… It’s a matter of being the boss. Instead, I like how the New English Translation writes this verse:

To the woman he said, “I will greatly increase your labor pains; with pain you will give birth to children. You will want to control your husband, but he will dominate you.” (Gen 3:16 NET)

In this instance, the comparison between the wife wanting to have something greatly, yet the husband ruling over her, describes utter control in the home. The one who wears the pants in the family so to speak. The master of the house. It’s less about mutual understanding and structure than it is about calling the shots.

It is easy to see this practically played out in any marriage. Maybe a husband will put effort into his work, get discouraged by the lack of results, and then come home to his wife who tells him how it needs to be done. This in turn gets the man all fired up, having his pride stepped on by his “controlling” wife, and he responds negatively and perhaps harshly. Just about any scenario when a man feels that his wife is being controlling (even if she is just sharing her thoughts and concerns in a non-ruling manner – it’s just how he’s perceiving it), the husband will want to put the “queen” in her place. On the flip side, when a wife feels she is being stepped on, disrespected, used, overlooked, or belittled she will lash back and demand that she be treated equally or better. It leaves both sides constantly on the defensive, battling for what piece of property they feel they are losing control over.

If anything similar to this has ever happened in your marriage, welcome to being human. This kind of trouble will be automatic. It’s as though your marriage is designed for trouble from the day you say “I do.” Though this didn’t seem to be the way it was before Adam and Eve sinned against God’s commands. There wasn’t a sense of hierarchy and control. It was more like a dualism. It was full of freedom and openness. The good thing is that God has always been about restoring these damaged relationships since that Fall in Genesis 3. Left unchecked, un-confessed, and un-Christ at the center, it will leave two people done with a relationship that is meant to reflect the loving-kindness-covenant-faithfulness of God and His chosen people. And that’s what I’d like to talk more about throughout this week.

Apathy – It’s very hard to change and move towards any particular direction when we don’t care about that destination. We fix our eyes on what we want, which means our eyes are most likely not fixed on what is necessary. Apathy about change is often the reason we continue to do the things we know stands in the way of a stronger faith. We don’t care about giving up what feels good to us. Apathy can be caused or enhanced with some of these other obstacles.

Past Hurt – There are circumstances that move us closer to God and circumstances that stand in our mind as blockades to trust God or to care about our relationship with God anymore. These past hurts stand in the way of believing God was doing something in us, through us, with us, and for us. It’s easier to think God was against us or not interested in our lives.  Rather than seeing the past hurt in a truthful and godly manner, we may have thought that we just need to “get over it.” However, carrying it with us will most likely come back to bite us because we really never left it to begin with. We may have to go back (first in our minds) to let God and His Word redeem (“to win back” or “to set free”) that pivotal circumstance.

Comfort and Security – This has to do with being blessed to the point of self-sufficiency. The Israelites in the Old Testament didn’t want to overcome obstacles to gain God’s promises because these obstacles didn’t seem worth the giving up of current comfort and security. Sayings like “life is good” and “God is good to me” can be key ingredients for being complacent with our connection with God. Not that this is a bad place to be, or that we have to be in some sort of struggle to learn. Nor does this mean that we aren’t being thankful for what God has done in our lives. We can often get too comfortable which leads to a drifting away from that deep longing of an abiding relationship with God. It’s the cautious side of being blessed.

Lack of Comfort and Security – When every environment is full of turmoil, hardship, and poverty that it leaves little time or a place to retreat your heart and mind for refreshment, that is an obstacle. We can’t avoid hardships in life.  When we do experience them, we are to be disciplined and focused to remain deeply rooted in God and His Word to withstand the “storms” of life. But even the wise writer, Agur, prayed that God would not make him poor so that he wouldn’t be compelled to steal and do violence to God’s reputation (Proverbs 30:9). Perhaps the first order of business is to find a place and time where we can get alone with God. Perhaps the first order of business is to ask for help. There’s no shame in needing help.

Lack of Knowledge – Sometimes we don’t know how to get somewhere because we don’t know how to get somewhere. That’s why a map or a GPS is so helpful in getting to a place that we’ve never been to before. Lacking in knowledge about God, His Word, and His ways puts us at a disadvantage to strengthening our faith. Education is good. Having the tools to complete the job is as important for our faith as much as it is in any other realm.

Lack of Mentoring Relationships – It’s often easier for someone from the “outside” to notice what’s really going on. We have our own presuppositions, ideals, and desires that cloud our judgment. Becoming stronger in our faith was never designed to be a solo endeavor. It’s good to have people who can share the load of decision making, provide wisdom, and fight on our side to not let obstacles stand in our way. Satan wants to attack those who are hurt and are separated from the pack.

Insecurities – Many of us have a lack of confidence for no reason. Often the culprit is comparing ourselves with someone else. We may not be as smart, have the same connections, or have the same family genetics gifts as someone else. We view ourselves as less than we should. We make ourselves the judge of value instead of God doing that task. But God prepared in advance for all of us to good works for Him. Rather than trusting in ourselves or comparing ourselves with someone else, get out there and begin flaming the passion that God did place in our hearts to do.

Don’t hoard your goods; spread them around. Be a blessing to others. This could be your last night.

When the clouds are full of water, it rains. When the wind blows down a tree, it lies where it falls. Don’t sit there watching the wind. Do your own work. Don’t stare at the clouds. Get on with your life.

Just as you’ll never understand the mystery of life forming in a pregnant woman, So you’ll never understand the mystery at work in all that God does.

Go to work in the morning and stick to it until evening without watching the clock. You never know from moment to moment how your work will turn out in the end (Ecclesiastes 11:2-6).

What other obstacles would you include? And how many of these obstacles do you see happening in your life right now?

Even if you have that special someone or not, everyone should think about God with the same emotional sentiment. We often don’t equate feelings of “romance” with God. God is more often seen like a friend, a father, a boss, or this mysterious stranger that you don’t know how to approach. Yet, over and over again the Bible calls us to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Deuteronomy 6:5, Matthew 22:37).

In the first Psalm, we are told than the person who possesses blessings is the one who delights in the law of the Lord.

Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. (Psa 1:1-2 NIV)

A person who is emotionally and intellectually finding delight in God and His ways will be blessed. Delight in this verse does carry that emotional excitement, eagerness, and pleasure that is so easily identified when we talk about a romantic human relationship.  Delight leads to thinking about that person and what you could do for them and the things that they like. You think about those things all day and night.  You schedule time and spend some money, all to show those loving feelings you have for them.

So not to sound blasphemous or out of bounds here, think about taking God on a date too. You can do this in the form of setting aside time reading His Word, praying, reaching out to a hurt relationship or spending some money towards something you know makes Him pleased.

This can be acted out in the length and depth of our conversations with them. It may also be acted out in the way we let them serve the church. It may be acted out in the way we serve them in the church. The higher they are on the spiritual chart, the more valuable they seem to be. They fit all the “requirements” of being spiritual. The lower they are on the spiritual chart, the less “we” get involved with “them” and let “them” get involved with “us”.  I’m not advocating a loss of discretion and common sense.  Certainly there are levels of wisdom that is gained from experience, age, race, education, etc., but this doesn’t place value, less or more, on the person. Often times, we can make these quick spiritual judgments before we actually hear the person speak. We can make these judgments without evaluating our own motives and beliefs against true biblical and godly understanding.

From God’s standpoint, all people who trust in His son Jesus Christ as the Savior of sins and the Lord of their life have the same status: righteous (Romans 5:9). It wasn’t based on anything we did (Ephesians 2:8-9), so how can we gain more or less of it because of our deeds (Galatians 3:3)?  God has given each of us all the spiritual blessings in the heavenly realms through Christ (Ephesians 1:3). God has given us everything necessary for life and godliness through His divine power (2 Peter 1:3).  God does not show favoritism for salvation (Acts 10:34).  God does not show favoritism while giving spiritual gifts (1 Corinthians 12:4-13).  God also does not show favoritism for punishment and correction (Romans 2:11, Colossians 3:25, Galatians 6:7).

We are to show the same impartiality towards others because we are no better than anyone else (1 Corinthians 12:21-25, James 2:1-10).  Likewise, we are reminded that we ourselves are no less than any other believer. We can’t say, “well, since I’m not like _____ or I can’t _____ or I’m not a _____, then I somehow moved down the spiritual chart” (1 Corinthians 12:15-18, Ephesians 4:11-13).

Yes, all believers are in different areas of practically putting that salvation into full character, but all of us suffer from some sort of spiritual-hurting growth development called sin.  Yes, we all have areas where we need to grow more in, exhibit better godly qualities, be more like Christ, and be a better example, but we are not more or less spiritual for it. Yes, there things that we do and don’t do that reflect such a person changed by the Spirit (rather than a person purely living out of their fleshly nature).  We don’t get more or less of the Holy Spirit, we only allow ourselves to be less or more controlled by that Spirit. This is not a free ticket for sinning or exercising our spiritual freedom or thinking it’s okay to overlook clear biblical commands.

The problem I’m targeting comes when we project restrictions (or self-impose restrictions) simply based upon an invisible, subconscious, spiritual chart. We can get intimated by some higher spiritual person. Or we place ourselves as not good enough to get involved. Or we try to become just like that more spiritual person. Or we can overlook an important part of the body of Christ because of their “status,” which sometimes seems to be more based on discrimination than godly guidelines.

A Year with Jesus is very similar to A Year with God in structure and objective. This book is divided into 10 sections: Love and Hate; Truths and Lies; Arrogance and Humility; Friends and Enemies; Belief and Disbelief; Patience and Impatience; Deserved and Undeserved; Good and Evil; Fidelity and Treachery; and Life and Death.  The point of the daily readings and reflections is not to get Nettelhorst’s viewpoint or even personal story applications to the passage. In fact, there isn’t even a page in the book describing who the author is. Nettelhorst keeps the focus brief and seemingly on point with the Scripture used.  Some of the reflections help explain the context or background to the passage used while others just briefly explain something that was mentioned in “Jesus’ Own Words.” The point of the daily readings and reflections is to learn who Jesus is and what matters most to Him as we listen to His own words.

Having the daily readings short and to the point without any discussion questions or form prayers to work through have its advantages and disadvantages.  Sometimes, the readings and reflections felt too brief. They didn’t seem to really resonate or help me understand what Jesus was wanting to convey.  Sometimes, I didn’t see the connection between the passage and Nettelhorst’s reflection paragraphs. Yet, if you looking for something short and where you can gain some knowledge about Jesus and the culture at His time, this would be a fine start. Each daily reading would take around 10 minutes or less. I would certainly find time to read the Bible verses in their context and find ways to meditate on the readings and reflections throughout the day to get even more out of the book.

For me, it was a pretty far stretch to say “A Year with Jesus is an unforgettable 365-day revelation of Jesus’ love through his actual words, plus reflections and insights to encourage and inspire you. Let his words comfort you and fill your heart and life” (back cover).

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

The truth is that when things are urgent, we must give less attention to other things, even if just for a little while. The problem comes that when we put so much focus on one thing, we really become ignorant of other things around us. Daniel Kahneman in Thinking Fast and Slow says:

“Intense focusing on a task can make people effectively blind…we can be blind to the obvious, and we are also blind to our blindness.” (p. 23-24).

This is a good thing in some regards, because the more we focus on something, the less effective distractions will be. We can remain focused to the task at hand. But we must be careful that we don’t allow ourselves to overlook other urgent situations going on around us. All of a sudden, we seem to have the “rug pulled out from under our feet” and left saying “I never really saw that coming!” All of a sudden, someone close to us reveals their troubling health issues, deep marriage problems, spiritual struggles, etc.  Now, the tension to manage becomes a problem to solve.

This often happens because we are just so busy. I’ve heard so many people, including pastors and myself, say “sorry, I was busy.” Being busy all the time makes everything an urgent matter; and, in a sense, being busy all the time makes nothing an urgent matter. It’s impossible to make more than a few things an urgent matter. Daniel warns us about the dangers of over-focusing:

“you will perform less well, or not at all, if you are not ready or if your attention is directed inappropriately.” (p. 23)

Jesus tells many parables about the Kingdom of God and about His immanent return being like urgent matters, yet we never really see Jesus being in a rush to go anywhere or do anything. He tells us to constantly be ready for His return and to constantly be busy about God’s business (Matthew 24:42-46). Yet Jesus was cautious when He started His earthly ministry. He was conscience about every opportunity, but quickly retreated from people to spend time in prayer or with only a few people. He loved His friend Lazarus, but waited intentionally days after his death to go heal and provide comfort. If we follow His example, it’s as though we can only accomplish urgent things when we move slowly. Not slowly for the sake of just moving slowly, but for the sake of being intentional and making a lasting impact. Vince Antonucci calls it “the speed of love” in I Became a Christian and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt.

“Jesus’ method of caring for people was to focus on the person standing right in front of him…When I do life at 150 miles per hour, I lose life. I have a hurried life of not really loving God or people. I have a life of missed moments. I have a life without plotline, narrative, or dialogue” (p. 122).

We often over-estimate what we can do in a day or a week or even a year. We hurry and rush and work ourselves all over the place, trying to squeeze orange juice out of every minute of the day. Yet, we all know what that really makes? It makes the next day just as the one before: busy. We also often under-estimate what we can do in a week or a month or even a few years. It’s like looking at big debt and we can’t see how we are going to get out of it. But if we can put a few extra dollars towards one bill each month, we can cut it down from 30 years to 15 or even 3 years, depending on the amount.

You have the power to create significance when you daily build on those things you worked on the day before. All things are going to take your focus and your attention. We must work on the things that are urgent. We must make sure that the things that are getting our full focus is deserving of our full urgency. We are going to have to minimize our busyness. We also are going to have to make sure our focus on the urgent things isn’t so focused that we miss and overlook the things that become urgent and important in life as they show us their opportunity.

Well, I believe it boiled down to not having a pastor job yet and starting the One-to-One. It was like telling people that I am not good enough to get a church to hire me.  It was anticipating a pressure (that really didn’t exist) from friends and other pastors, missionaries and spiritual leaders when I talked about helping people grow in their relationship with Christ outside of the traditional Western church concept.  My over thinking (anxiety) was causing my brain to believe I was under some sort of attack.  My body responded to that alarm. My adrenaline would kick in, my heart was send blood to the muscles, my muscles would tense up…I would be prepared for a battle.  Tie that with already being stimulated with caffeine and I was ready to wrestle the bear.

I needed to do what Peter calls us to do with anxiety and worry. Get a hold of it and toss it to God (1 Peter 5:7). Even if I wasn’t sure how to get a hold of it, I needed to own it, confess it and give it completely up to God .  I needed to stop over thinking things, capture every thought, and make it obedient to God’s truth (1 Corinthians 10:4).  I needed to know that my significance was not found in my place of work.  I needed to know that I was doing exactly what God had placed in my path at this moment (Ephesians 2:10). If I could be sure of these things, there was freedom to let things go, stop thinking about them, and to please no one but God. And if I was doing what God wanted me to do, what was there to fear? Nothing (Romans 8:35-39).

John writes in 1 John 5:14-15

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us–whatever we ask–we know that we have what we asked of him.” (NIV)

There was no need to worry about the future if I remained concerned with pleasing God (Colossians 1:10-14). I might have to expose and confront some seeds of evil desires in my life (James 4:1-8), but I could remain confident in spite of what people might say. I could remain confident that God knows exactly what He was doing (Philippians 1:6).  I could remain confident that God had something in store that would blow my expectations and imagination (Ephesians 3:20).  I could remain confident that God could use my inexperience (1 Timothy 4:12) to affect someone, if only one person.

Getting a hold of the truth and really getting a hold of what my mind is thinking and what my heart is desiring, set the stage for getting rid of anxiety.  It wasn’t like an automatic thing. It’s like taking down a sticky note and then placing it back on the wall and then taking it down again. I would have to rehearse the truth and hide God’s Word in my heart for the times I brought it back up. Eventually, my heart and mind stop trying to put it back on the wall. The note was losing it’s stickiness.

I love how the Bible tells us over and over of how sturdy and confident we can be when we truly live our lives loving God with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. A confidence that exists from trusting God, rather than in our own efforts, ideals, and plans. It’s not even about developing a self-confidence. It’s developing a God-confidence about yourself. And yes, it’s a constant challenge for all of us. Yet the results are good. Having the truth leads to confidence. A cup of confidence is better than a cup of coffee, if you ask me.

“Of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.”
(Psalm 27:1-3 NIV)

Sometimes, we (or at least me) can be anxious about knowing the details of what we need to do in life and overlook the structure and framework of what God does tell us. For some reason, reading the Bible, praying, and following His daily wisdom in dealing with Him, other people and even ourselves don’t seem “practical” enough. We lack in obedience because we doubt its ability to “work for us.” We want something specific and when we don’t see it happening, we say “I tried the whole church, bible, God thing and nothing happened.”

Being obedient to His instructions isn’t a burden to follow, a secret code to get the details unlocked, or a prerequisite to having a relationship with Him (Jesus already paid the sin penalty, restored that relationship – we have to believe that it is true by faith – and redeemed the direct access to our Creator).  Being obedient to God’s word is first and foremost a matter of faith and trust. Being obedient is not based upon the circumstances turning out just as we want them to be.  That doesn’t mean the circumstances are always rough and hard to deal with.  It’s not like watching paint dry or licking dirt. I like what Dave Harvey says in Rescuing Ambition:

“Pursuing Christ isn’t about withdrawing to a cave somewhere so we can contemplate his grandeur. Pursuit means passion, purpose, and action” (p. 30).

God doesn’t leave us hanging around and wondering about what we can expect when we obey. I’m always struck by the way the Scriptures describe the one who is doing what God wants them to do.  Psalm 1:3 says:

 He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” (NIV)

Being obedient to God results in steadfastness, unflappability, firmness, strength, and assurance because we are right next to the constant and never-ending source of refreshment. We feel alive and vibrant when we are obedient to God. And during the right time, we can see evidence of our hard work slowly taking shape and growing into something refreshing for others.

Likewise, Jesus finishes His great sermon on the mount in Matthew 5-7 with a description of the ones who are obedient:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.
But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.
The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” (Mat 7:24-27 NIV)

The difference between the “wise man” and the “foolish man” is not access to the right tools and knowledge.  The difference is obedience. The wise man put into practice what he heard and learned. The foolish man blew off the instruction and put his fundamental trust in something else. That something else wasn’t as solid as God’s. The Bible makes it clear over and over that everything you’ve ever needed and wanted for a long and satisfying life (as well as an eternal life with Him) is found living a life with God, in God, and through God.