The other day I heard the voice of my confused two-year-old daughter exclaiming, “Daddy, the crayon doesn’t work!”  She desperately wanted me to fix it; so, she held the crayon out to me with great expectation.  I examined it.  Everything seemed to be in perfect working order.  I mean, it is a stick of wax – what can really go wrong with it.  I told her that it did work and proceeded to show her as much.

She was still confused.  The colored stick of wax still didn’t do what she wanted it to do…

Then it finally hit me.  It wasn’t that the crayon didn’t work; but, that the she could not see her desired result.  The problem was the combination of the color of the crayon and the the color of the paper being colored upon – they were both white!  So, to the eyes of a little girl, it just didn’t work.

Often times, as parents, it is easy to over-look or dismiss the questions and confusions of our children.  It is easy to expect them to remember everything we have taught them.  It is easy to expect them to see the world the way we see the world.

And, it is easy to be frustrated when our children don’t understand things the way we expect or want them to.

As parents, we want to help our children, we are called to teach our children and we are responsible for leading our children.  But, we are often left asking questions like:

What does my child really want?  Why are they acting that way?  What are they trying to tell me?  How do I connect with them?  How do I inspire my child?

Understanding Your Child

In order to answer these questions (and others like them), you must first learn to understand your child.  Here are two essential aspects to start with:

1. Slow down and listen.  We are often quick to speak for our children.  Instead of putting words into their mouths, we must take time to listen.  Listen to the words, and the heart behind the words, that they use.  You may be surprised at what you will learn.
2. See the world from their perspective.  A child does not see the world the way adults do.  Yet, it is easy to assume that our children “get” the world in the same way we do.  So, we must be intentional in learning to see the world from their vantage point.  Walk around on your knees.  Play their games.  Spend an hour living by the same rules and expectations that they do.  Engage their world.

There is not a formula that leads to complete understanding of your child.  The point, though, is to study your child.  As you get to know your child, listening to them and learning to see the world from their perspective, you will gain incredible insights for understanding and connecting with your child.

Question:  What has helped you in learning to understand your children?  You can click here to leave a comment below.

Photo Credit: mattdoucette

Here is an excerpt from the post.  Be sure to check out the complete story on SomeWiseGuy.

I watched my dad a lot while I was growing up.  I know, we all watched our parents, didn’t we?  Sometimes my dad knew I was watching and sometimes he did not…like the time that he apparently gained clearance from the FAA to perform as a low-flying aircraft.

When I was in 7th grade, my dad took me on a camping trip with our boy scout troop.  We pitched a tent.  We hiked.  We chopped firewood.  We built a campfire.  We cooked food over the campfire (including smores).  It rained.  We had fun.  And we had to leave early so that I could be back home in time for a soccer game.

We were supposed to leave really early Saturday morning.  However, we overslept.  We hurried to get things settled and into the car.  We left late; really late.  And, as my custom was, I sacked out while my dad drove.

Now for the low-flying aircraft part…

Click here to check out the rest of the story and to learn the Four Roles Children Need From Their Dad.  You may even want to leave a comment and engage the conversation while you are there.

Photo Credit: Remco Donselaar

Several years ago, my dad was introduced to a group of young boys as a lion tamer.  Pretty exciting, huh?  I think there was some mention of the chair and whip that he used and the narrow escapes from certain death.  The young boys were captivated.  They hung on every word and wanted to hear every detail.

Interesting side note, though, is that my dad has never stepped foot into a cage with a lion (like a circus hero), into a den of lions (like a favorite biblical hero) or into a pit with a lion on a snowy day (like some other biblical hero).

My dad has done many things in his life, and 4-legged beasts have never been a match for him (he was a dog-whisperer before there ever was The Dog Whisperer).  But, I have never known him to be in the circus or even to have gone on an African safari.  Needless to say, I was a bit surprised at this new twist.

So, why did this leader introduce my dad as a lion tamer?  Simple.  For a weekend trip, the leader wanted this group of boys to have someone that they would listen to, look up to, respect, and obey without question.  And he used a description that would gain the boys’ immediate attention and admiration.  I think there was also a little of that fear factor instilled…like “you don’t want to mess with him, he’s not afraid to battle with lions!”

The Roles

Even though this leader stretched the truth a bit, this does remind us of the roles that we play in our children’s lives – and the kind of roles that they need to see modeled for them.  What are some of these roles?  I am glad you asked…

1. The Authority Figure.  This role represents one who commands respect and elicits obedience.  Even when they do not have the answer for everything, they are trusted as your leader.
2. The Hero. The hero generates admiration and often demonstrates characteristics that children want to imitate.  They battle for their family and for the greater good of their community.
3. The Lover.  The lover is a tender-hearted person who genuinely loves people, shows concern and compassion for others and is not afraid to show a little emotion.  A man hug may be an appropriate greeting for this kind of guy.  And, an ability to cry may be required.
4. The Worker.  The worker demonstrates a strong work ethic and the need to work in all circumstances as if we are working for God.  The sloth and sluggard are direct opposites of this role.
5. The Servant.  The servant consistently leads by setting aside their own needs and desires for the benefit of others. They set the example of how we should treat, help and serve others.
6. The Spiritual Warrior.  This spiritual warrior demonstrates a vital relationship with Jesus, shows how our spiritual life is not separate from our everyday life, and fights for their families in a spiritual battle with the evil dark forces of this world.  The Bible is common reading material and prayer is the weapon of choice.
7. The Wise Guy 1.  Yep, there has to be one.  Our children need to see adults that can have fun in the right way at the right time.
8. The Wise Guy 2.  Along with the funny guy, children also need to see someone who is trusted to share Godly wisdom and insight.

I bet that you can think of some other roles as well.  The point is that children need great examples to follow.  And we need to intentionally demonstrate these roles for our kids.  Otherwise, they will settle for anything the world offers them.

You Don’t Have To Be Everything

One more thought…  It’s tough to be all things for our kids – even as much as we want our children to see us as the best in all of these roles.  This is where community comes in.

Reggie Joiner, in his book Parenting Beyond Capacity, shares a story about his son refusing to tell him the truth behind a late night out – simply because he was dad and there are things that you don’t want to talk about with your dad.  Reggie initially expressed great frustration over this.  However, a new option was soon discovered.

Reggie asked his son a simple question, “If you are not willing to talk with me; then, who will you talk with?”  The son thought for a minute and then named another man that he looked up to.  This man was a trusted family friend with similar ideals and beliefs.  Dad could now trust that the son would still have a great influence; and, son could now speak about those awkward things that you don’t want to talk about with your parents.

Our children need to see Godly people in action.  Sometimes that comes from us; and, sometimes from someone else.

Question: What roles do you play? What have your children learned from watching you?

Photo Credit: kghai (Creative Commons)

Like the good father that I am (or, at least, want to be), I tried to talk with my son.  Initially, he did not say much to me.  However, as I watched him and his reactions to the unfortunate incident, I recognized a look of sadness.

After some time, my son was my son finally spoke a bit with me and used some words that I had not heard him use before.  Instead of words about how mean the other kids had been or what he wanted to do to get even with them, he said to me, “Dad, my feelings are broken.”

My heart sank.

Yes, kids are often mean to each other and do stupid things that hurt.  This simple description, though, caught my attention and I became really sad for my son.  I know that my son contributed to the situation.  But, it broke my heart to hear how heart-broken he was.

Repairing The Broken Feelings

Life can be hard – even for children.  So, what do you do for your child(ren) when they do get their feelings hurt?  This helps my children:

• Love on your child.
• Listen to your child. Let them tell their stories and listen for the deeper meanings.
• Hold your child.  Some children do not like to be touched or held close.  However, a loving touch, a good hug, or even sitting close to your child will make a difference.
• Encourage.  Let your child know they are important – to you and quite often even to those that hurt their feelings.
• Talk with your child about their part in the incident.  No conflict is ever one-sided.  Their is always something to learn about our part.
• Help your child understand that this one incident does not define who they are.
• Lead your child to see that there is hope.
• Laugh.  Sometimes you just need to tell some funny stories and have a good laugh.
• Pray with your child.  Let your child know that they, and this incident, are important to God and that God will help when we ask.
• Love on them some more.

When Broken Feelings Are Because Of You

This story inspired me to start thinking about all the different things that we, as parents, do that break our children’s feelings.  It does happen, doesn’t it?  Even though we would never do something intentionally to hurt our children, it is easy to say or do something that goes further than we intended, that comes out the wrong way, or is just simply a poor reaction to our own situation.

What do you do when this happens?  Use the list above.  And add one more:

• Apologize.  We all make mistakes.  Our children know it.  But, they also need to know that they are important enough for an apology.

Question:  What do you do for your child when their feelings are broken?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.

We know all of this; but, it is still so easy to get stuck in a bad mood, to respond to situations in anger (like I did once) and even to disconnect from everyone and everything.  And, just when we are having our own little self-pity party, we have the privilege of experiencing everyone else reflecting our attitude back toward us.

So, how do we keep the awesome good attitude and fend off the evil bad attitude?

1. Identify your stressors.

Know what things put you on edge and make you more susceptible to a bad attitude and bad responses to other people.

 2. Be aware of the time.

Know when your stressors are most likely to occur and plan accordingly.

3. Plan responses for your stressors.

Having a plan for what to do when stressors occur.  Develop responses that can help to reduce the stress, defuse the situation, and help you to avoid over-reacting.

4. Get some sleep.

We are more susceptible to stressors when we are tired.  be intentional about getting enough sleep.  And, when you don’t get enough sleep, be prepared to work extra hard to maintain your attitude.

5. Maintain margins.  Learn to say no.

Our culture entices us to live lives that are stretched too thin and in too many directions.  When there is no room for errors and the unpredictable occasions of life, we can implode…or explode all over those around us.  Learn to say no to enough things in life so that there is enough room for life to happen.

6. Take time off.

Okay, so you can’t always take a break from life – it’s not like you can take a day every week away from your family, work, and the world around you.  But, you can find a few minutes or a couple of hours (on a regular basis) where you can turn down the volume of life and engage in an activity that refreshes and reenergizes you.  Read a book, listen to music, take a walk, work in the yard, bake cookies, create something…do something that you love to do.  Spend time with Jesus.

7. Manage your influencers.

As much as our attitudes impact others, we are also influenced by the people and media (e.g. books, music, movies, television, etc.) that we surround ourselves with.

I have heard it said that “the books you read and the people you surround yourself with will affect who you become in five years.”  It’s true.  And, it is important to remember that this is an ongoing molding process that touches every part of your life and is affected by everything you let into your life.

Be intentional.  Choose wisely.  Evaluate often.  Always take the high road.

Question: Has a bad attitude ever got the best of you? What do you do to keep a good attitude…especially when you want to have a bad attitude?  You can click here to leave a comment.

I know that my kids do watch me. In fact, I often-times think I am training parrots as my kids mimic everything they see and hear. And I quite often think I am looking at a mirror when I see how my children reflect attitudes, mannerisms, words and actions.

But, sometimes, it seems like my children just don’t notice, understand or appreciate the countless number of times that I do something to help them, to take care of them, to make them feel special or to simply be nice. And then I am left to my downcast feelings about the whole situation (e.g. feeling sorry for myself).

In those times, it is important to remember that children do see more than they let on and much more than we realize. They notice much of what we do, even when we don’t think they are looking. For your encouragement, read the following poem written from a child to her mom.

When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator,
and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw you feed a stray cat,
and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw you make my favorite cake for me,
and I learned that the little things can be very special in life.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick,
and I learned that we all need to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw you give your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that everyone can make a difference.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it,
and I learned the importance of FAMILY.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good,
and I learned that I would need to be responsible when I grew up.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I sometimes saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned there are things that can hurt, yet it’s O.K. to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I saw that you truly cared about people,
and I wanted to be everything that I could possibly be
to follow in your footsteps.

When you thought I wasn’t looking…
I looked at you and wanted to say,
“Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.”

–original poem by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan;
additions by an unknown author

Our children watch. They learn. Even when we are not intentionally trying to teach a lesson. You make an impact. You set an example. You are noticed. You make a difference. Don’t ever stop loving and knowing that you are loved too.

Have you done something, that you thought had gone unnoticed, only to find out later that it had an impact?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

I have the awesome privilege of working with children – at home, of course, and at church.  Some of the most amazing experiences I have in these roles come when I pray with children.

Kids may say the darnedest things at the worst possible moments; but, I have also heard them say some of the most

deep, pure, real, innocent and funny thoughts when praying.  Many times I am left thinking about what I can take away to use when I “talk to God”.

Fifteen insights Learned From Children

1. It is okay to pray about anything and everything – even your pet goldfish that must be bored because all he does is swim around in circles.
2. God has a sense of humor and it is okay to laugh when you pray.
3. Prayers do not need a lot of words. In fact, if it is a group prayer, too many words will bore everyone else – either putting them to sleep or sending them into their own giggly conversation (I wonder, does that include God?).
4. You must pray about whatever just happened – even if it is the belch that the person next to you just let out.
5. It’s sometimes necessary to pray for the same thing over and over and over again (just don’t forget #4).
6. It’s okay to repeat the prayer that someone else just prayed.
7. You don’t always need real words to pray (just ask my two-year-old that prays with a mixture of words that I understand and sounds that I don’t – although, you can always decipher her “Dear Jesus”!).
8. Sometimes shouting your prayer is the best way to go and sometimes you need to say it so quietly that no one can hear you.
9. Prayer still works if you are running while you pray (just don’t run with scissors or you will be scolded).
10. You don’t need to know all the details to pray a powerful prayer for someone or some situation.
11. You can pray for your brother to be nicer to you.
12. You can pray for help being respectful to your parents (and everyone else).
13. You can pray when you are happy, sad, hurt, scared and excited.
14. You can pray for the power of God to be in you.
15. And, Talking To God Changes Things!

Thinking about the way children pray, and the words they offer, are often enough to make you laugh (or at least smile a little). Yet, there is much that we can learn about our attitude, posture, methods, subject-matter, and expectations that should surround our connection with God.

Question: What stories do you have and what have you learned from the prayers of children?  Share your story by clicking here.

[This is part of the Why We Cannot Wait For Summer Series. Have you seen the other posts yet?]

Think about it, the task of simply moving a large group of people, in a short amount of time, from one place to another is just like trying to move a few dozen cats from the café serving tuna-surprise to the store down the street that claims the world’s biggest ball of string.

People Are Like Cats

There are challenges, to say the least, when you have a large group of people.  Like cats, people have a mind of their own.  Like cats, people have a hard time listening to authority when they want to have their own way (and even when don’t they want to have their own way).  Like cats, people easily get side-tracked with the simplest of shiny objects.  And, like cats, people will move at their own speed (slow or fast depending on what they want at the moment) even if instructed differently.

So, how do you manage the chaos of a large group of people and a big event like our Vacation Bible School (or even smaller groups of people and not-so-big events)?

Five key ingredients:

1.  Vision

Every great event, starts with an inspiring vision.  Vision, on a simple level, is a mental picture of a preferred outcome.  Seems rather basic; but, this mental picture is essential.  It provides the foundation that everything else will be built on.

A vision does not encompass the “how-to’s” of implementing a project. Instead, a vision gives you direction, purpose and inspiration.  It also becomes the standard by which questions and judgments concerning the overall event must be made.

And the vision often becomes the rally-cry that draws people to your cause.

Without vision, efforts fail and dreams perish.

2.  A Plan

After vision is established, a plan must be developed that will set the framework for accomplishing the vision.

A plan is like a road-map and shows how a vision will be accomplished.  A (good) plan includes tasks, timelines, milestones and information that helps everyone to be on the same page.  A (good) plan can also be used as a check-list to make sure that every necessary component gets accomplished.

A plan may be greatly detailed; or, it may be loosely structured.  My experience shows that the bigger the event, and the more people involved, the greater the depth of details that will be required.

Bonus Ingredient: Communication

Vision and a good Plan are essential and they must be communicated.  Communicate well and people will walk alongside of you. Fail to communicate well, and you will walk alone.

3.  Leadership

From the very beginning, strong leadership is needed. In addressing the chaos of a thousand people and unfathomable numbers of details, it is paramount that the people have leadership whom they trust and will follow. There must be leaders who, not only communicate the vision, but help the group understand and own the vision. Through this process, the group will come to trust those in authority and know what to expect.

4.  Preparation

Before the event ever starts, you must prepare for everything you can think of. For our VBS, we were intentional about many aspects including the venues for each component, how many people each venue (room) could accommodate, how people would move from one area to another (traffic patterns), and what to do in case of emergencies.

We also looked at each part of each day’s schedule and addressed questions such as how much time will be needed for each element, how much time will be required for setup and how much time will be needed to move from one element to another.

FREE TIP:  Always allow more time than you think you will need – especially as the group grows bigger!

REALIZATION:  You will rarely (if ever) prepare as well as you would like.  And, you may even forget elements until the last minute.  And, you will almost always get to the end and wish you had just a little more time.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Pray.  Do your best through the process.  Allow God to work through the rest.

5.  Teamwork

One person cannot pull off a big event by themselves. One person cannot herd a thousand cats by themselves. It is essential to have leaders throughout the group, at all levels, who will work together in implementing the plan.

There is much to say about teamwork and I will write more on it in another post.

So, there you have it.  Vision. A (good) Plan.  Leadership.  Preparation.  Teamwork.  The 5 ingredients to handling chaos.

Question:  What is the most chaotic event that you have been a part of?  You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Think, for just a moment, about the leaders you have had? Which leaders stand out as the most influential? What is it that you really remember about that person?  What made you want to follow in the footsteps of that person?

There are few people I remember as being leaders worth following. For those that I do remember, I don’t recall many specifics of what they said; but, I do remember their personality, how they treated people and how they lived their lives.

If you were to observe the most effective leaders, you would see three characteristics that are common, and essential, to every successful leader.

These are the essential APC’s of a leader worth following.

Attitude

Your attitude is really how you look at life. It is the mind-set you have regarding life, your position in life and the circumstances of every day life.

I once heard it related to the concept of “attitude” in flying a plane. Basically, the attitude in flying indicates whether the airplane is “nose down or nose up”. Are you looking at life with your nose down – seeing everything negatively. Or, are you looking at things with your nose up – finding the positive side of things and not letting the little things get you down.

A nose-down attitude is self-defeating and is making the decision that you won’t succeed before you ever get started. A nose-up attitude is willing to take on the challenges that lie ahead. A nose-up attitude knows that the journey is just as important as the destination and that failure only comes when you stop trying.

Attitude is very contagious.

Passion

Being passionate is like being sold out for a cause, like chasing after something so hard that you are out of breath and gulping for air.

Passionate people are so “into” what they are doing that they let nothing get in their way. That passion produces incredible drive. That passion brings an excitement, energy, and purpose which creates an atmosphere where you just expect something incredible to happen.

Lack of passion causes dreams to fade away. Strong passion will draw people to join the journey with you.

Character

What you are and what you do when you think no one is looking. How you handle success. How you handle failure. How you handle power. These are just a few examples where your character is encountered.

Ethics. Morality. Spirituality. Your character establishes what you will do in each of these realms.

Andy Stanley, in his book the Next Generation Leader, describes character as “the will to do what’s right even when it’s hard.”

Being of strong character is not always easy. But, it is essential in being a leader who will stand the test of time.

Attitude and passion are essential for being an effective leader. However, attitude and passion must be combined with outstanding character in order to be a leader worth following.

Attitude. Passion. Character. Three simple words. Three essential traits of a leader worth following.

Many people try to manipulate the perspective of others through their actions.  They try to portray a specific desired identity with the things they say and do.  But, our re-actions reveal whether or not our actions are honest.

In his book, Wild Goose Chase, Mark Batterson writes that “our reactions reveal who we really are” (p.99).  I have also heard similar thoughts though the years.  I was once told that it is not the hard times in life that define who I am. Instead, it is how I respond to those hard times that will define who I am.

Growing our reaction muscles (reflexes to what happens in life) takes intention. Mark also writes about these instructions that Jesus gave to condition those reflexes:

• Pray for those who persecute you.
• Love your enemies.
• Bless those who curse you.
• If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.
• If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

It is not enough, though, to just know how we should respond. We need to be intentional about our responses; and, we need to practice.

We can’t just give up the first time we hit trials and hard times. We have to keep working at it, keep learning from our experiences, and keep striving to do better.

So, how are you known? What do your reactions reveal about you, your character, your attitude, your view towards others? Maybe a better question is how do you want to be known?

Question:  Have you had an experience where your reaction to a situation caused others to see something different in you than what the initial situation would have shown?  You can share your story by clicking here.