The “Wicked Uncle” takes Jeremy and Jemima to an Easter Fair. What could possibly go wrong? Well almost anything.

Of course Uncle Jeff is not really that wicked – but he both fun and irresponsible. Mum and dad never feel comfortable when he’s around, but the children know they must expect the unexpected, and it’s probably going to be an adventure.

Dedicated to our friends, at Wicked Uncle - gifts for children.

Read by Richard Scott. Story by Bertie. Duration 15.21.

Jeremy and Jemima stood next to Mum and Dad holding hymn books in their hands. As the church organist began to play “ All Things Bright and Beautiful” a tall man in a smart hedge coat, with a silk scarf tucked into his collar, joined the family at the end of the pew. He said, “Hi Kids”, a little too loudly. Mum turned her head to look at the noisy intruder. Her frown was met by the cheery grin of Jeff, whom the family normally referred to as, “The Wicked Uncle”. It was a joke of course, but like all jokes, there was a drop of truth at the bottom of it.

After the service, they stood on the steps of the church in the crisp air and mellow sunlight of a beautiful April morning. It was enough to make anyone feel springy with the joy of life. But Dad was grumpy because Jeff had put a twenty pound note in the collecting box, and he felt he had to match his generosity. Mum said to her brother-in-law:

“Jeff,  you’re full of surprises. I didn’t have you down as the church-going type.”

“Oh you know, Christmas and Easter, weddings and funerals, the odd baptism, that’s me,” said Jeff.

‘Well you’d better come to Sunday lunch” said Mum, hoping that he hadn’t noticed Dad shaking his head.

An hour later, Jeff was carving the roast beef and saying how a family meal was a rare treat in his bachelor existence. He offered to take the kids to the Easter Fair in return.

“Fantastic. We’d love to go to the fair !’ exclaimed Jeremy.

But this was the last thing that mum wanted. Jeff had an uncanny knack for getting into trouble, and a fairground seemed to offer up untold opportunities for bringing the kids and calamity together. She had visions of her children flying off a Ferris wheel, or being poisoned by a hot dog. She said:

“That’s sweet of you Jeff, but er, Dad doesn’t approve of the fair, does he kids?’

“Only because it’s expensive, “ said Jeremy. “But Uncle Jeff won’t mind about that because he’s loaded.”

“Jeremy! “ exclaimed mum,”What a thing to say!” and then turning to Jeff she pleaded, “Kids ! You never know what they’ll come out with next.”

But Jeff was all smiles. “Don’t worry,” he said, “I know why my brother doesn’t like the fair. It’s because he never wins a prize.”

And the children both laughed and told their Uncle that he was spot on, while Dad smiled weakly and went to clear up the dishes in the kitchen. Mum stalled for time by telling the kids to go out to the garden and hunt for Easter eggs. She hoped that in the meantime, Dad would come up with a good excuse for not going to the fair. While the children were finding mini-eggs, Jeff went out to his Porsche to fetch a giant Easter Egg made of Swiss chocolate. Its hollow inside was filled with clockwork toys like robots and dancing fairies. Jeremy and Jemima were overjoyed when they saw it, and after that, Mum and Dad were almost glad to let Jeff take them to the fair.

“Don’t fret,” said Dad as they watched the kids squeeze into the tiny back seats of Jeff’s car. “He will spoil them rotten, make them dizzy on the rides, and stuff them full of candy floss, but nothing too terrible can happen at the Easter Fair.”

The fun fair was held every Easter on the town’s green. It was an old tradition, and in fact Dad and Uncle Jeff had both gone to it as kids. The amusements hadn’t changed that much, but the prices had doubled and doubled and doubled and – well that’s how things change. But the fair was as popular as ever, and the crowds queued for the old favorites like the dodgems, the ghost train, the roundabouts, the helter skelter and the big wheel. The cuisine still consisted of toffee apples, candy floss, hot-dogs and hamburgers with lots of smelly fried onions. The muddy ground was ankle deep in cartons and waste paper. A cacophony of conflicting disco beats and golden oldies pumped out of speakers from every stall. In short, it was heaven.

Just as Dad had predicted, Jeff indulged the kids with  every dangerous-looking, dizzy-making ride that their hearts desired. But he himself took a particular interest in the side-stalls that offered prizes. The fact is, that nobody ever succeeded in throwing a hoopla ring over a triangular block to win an enormous fluffy pink bear. Nobody, that is, except Uncle Jeff, who scored a prize with all three of his hoops.  Jeremy and Jemima’s arms were so full of fluffy toys that they could hardly walk, let alone lick toffee apples, so Jeff gave them back to the store holder. “The kids are too old for them, “ he said apologetically. Then he moved onto a strongman test. Jeremy lifted up the big hammer and brought it down with all his might. He sent the ringer about a third of the way up the stand towards the gong. Jeff picked up the hammer with one hand and rang the gong first time. Even the store holder was impressed as he handed over his best prize – a china statue of a Dalmatian dog.

“One more piece of kitsch for the collection,” said Jeff as he examined it. “The prizes at this fair ground were never up to much.”

But Jeremy caught sight of something interesting and said: “Except for that one!” He was pointing towards the shooting arcade over which a sign declared “ Win a £1000.”

“A thousand pounds!” exclaimed Jemima, “That can’t be true,” but it was what the sign promised . When they got closer, they saw that to win the prize you had to shoot three plastic ducks. The only problem was that they flew across the stall at lightening speed and random intervals. It cost ten pounds just to enter, and the store holder looked like he was raking the money in, and not paying out any prizes at all. Jeff and the kids watched as three or four punters lost their money. Jeff said, “Right. I must have a crack at that.”

The gun was a fairly serious weapon – a 2.2 air rifle. A duck flashed by, and Jeff fired and missed. He had already lost the prize because you had to score three out of three shots to win. He took the two other shots just for practice, and missed both times.

“Bad luck Uncle Jeff,” said Jemima. “Shall we go home now?”

“Not yet,” said their uncle, “I need to get my eye in.” He paid up another ten pounds and shot and missed another three times.

“You’re not Dad’s brother for nothing,” said Jeremy. But Jeff wasn’t listening. He was examining the line of the gun. Then he placed it between his knees and started work at the barrel with his hands.

“What are you bending it for?” asked Jemima.

“I’m not. I’m straightening it,” said Jeff.

“Hey you can’t do that!” exclaimed the stall-holder, but Jeff already had . He handed over his money and said. “Bring ‘em on.”

This time Jeff sent the first duck flying off its hook. He swiftly reloaded and shot the next target a moment later. The third duck followed very soon after but Jeff was ready his shot was true. A crowd of onlookers applauded and Jeremy and Jemima jumped up and down shouting :

“Yeah for Uncle Jeff ! “

The store holder protested that he must have cheated, but Jeremy said rather menacingly “I wouldn’t argue with Uncle Jeff if I were you.” The man slowly pulled a cheque book from his pocket, and Uncle Jeff said.

“I’ll take cash thanks.”

When Jeff had counted the notes and checked each watermark against the light, he placed the wadge into the pocket of Jeremy’s denim jacket. “Give that to your Dad,” he said. “An Easter present from the black sheep of the family.”

“Wow ! Dad will be delighted !” said Jeremy.

But Jemima wasn’t quite so sure. Perhaps Dad might think that Jeff was showing off.

She asked where Uncle Jeff had learned to shoot so well. “Here and there,” he said allusively, and then said in a hushed voice, “I was in the forces before I went into business.”

They were all in the best of spirits as they walked toward the car park. As they passed the conveniences, Uncle Jeff said: “I’ll just pop in here if you don’t mind,”

Jeremy and Jemima waited outside for their uncle. They were kind of surprised about winning the big prize, but when Uncle Jeff was around, you had to expect to be surprised. Perhaps for that reason alone, they should have been more on their guard. A sea of people was coming and going from the fair all the time, and they were already used to being jostled a little by the crowd. They didn’t realise until too late that they had been surrounded by a gang of youths on all sides. One of them was holding a knife and said:

“Hand it over.”

Jemima gave him her iPod.

“Come on. Don’t make me use this ! “ threatened the boy with the knife, jabbing it towards her brother.

And Jeremy reached into his pocket and handed over the £1000 in notes. A few moments later the boys had melted away into the crowd.

When Uncle Jeff returned, he found Jemima in tears and Jeremy hugging his sister and trying not to tremble.

“What’s happened?” he asked. But he had already guessed. He considered calling the police, but on balance thought it was better to get the children home to the parents rather than keep them hanging around for some officers to arrive. It was two very pale and shaking kids that he buckled into the cramped back seat of his Porsche.

Soon after they had left the car park, Jeremy exclaimed : “There ! That’s them !”

“Are you sure?” asked Jeff.

“He’s right,” said Jemima. I’d know them anywhere. But Uncle Jeff please don’t ….. “ but his foot was on already on the accelerator and the engine was roaring. As he passed the gang, he flung open the door and knocked one of them over with it. He skidded to halt and leapt out of the car. The youths jumped over a fence into the park, but Jeff was over it and after them. Jeremy and Jemima looked round anxiously while cars hooted at them for blocking the traffic. They saw Jeff rugby-tackle the one of the boys and the others turned and tried to kick and punch him. By the time a police van came speeding over the grass with its blue light flashing, Jeff had felled three of the boys and held a fourth in a headlock. Ten police officers jumped out of the van and arrested the boys, and Uncle Jeff.

At about 8 pm that evening, Mum heard a car’s wheels on the gravel of the drive. She looked anxiously out of the window and was almost relieved to see a police car. A woman police officer opened the back door of the car to let out Jeremy and Jemima.

“So what happened this time?” asked Mum.

“Oh nothing much. Uncle Jeff got arrested,” said Jemima. “They let him go, but they are keeping  £1000 in ten pound notes as evidence. Uncle Jeff says Dad can have it after the the trial is over.”

“Arrested? Money? Trial ? I didn’t understand a word of that,” said Mum as she hugged both her children somewhat tearfully. “But I can say that your Uncle Jeff is never taking you to the Easter Fair again.”

This is our most ambitious story about the “Wicked Uncle” – Uncle Jeff. Of course he’s not really wicked, merely irresponsible, and somewhat annoying to Mum and Dad. But the kids love him.

This story refers back to our summer story, “The Wicked Uncle by the Sea” when Uncle Jeff and the kids climbed aboard the yacht of a Russian billionaire and were held captive by the crew. By way of apology the billionaire now offers the family the trip of the lifetime – a holiday aboard his new space hotel.

We’ve mixed in some educational space background about space travel. For example, we mention Yuri Gagarin, the first man in space, and we explain about the astronauts have to endure g-force as the rocket takes off.

Several real life companies are promising holidays in space and there are even plans to build a space hotel. Our description of the hotel and the robot butler is fantasy though. Needless to say none of the characters or businesses mentioned in the story have anything to do with real life ones.

The main aim of this story is try and convey some of the wonder of being in space and looking back at the earth, and the marvel of creation and life which is so much part of Christmas.

Read by Natasha. Story by Bertie. Duration 32.47

It was November. Every shop window glittered with Christmas lights, inflatable Santas, Christmas trees, tinsel and glitz.

“Oh no, “ said Mum as she pushed the trolly round the supermarket, “I’m bored with Christmas already. I’m simply not going to order a turkey this year. We’ll just have to get away for the holidays- as far away as we possibly can.”

But she could not quite work out how to win over Dad and and the kids to her get-away-plan, because she knew just how much they loved every detail of Christmas at home, right down to the last bad joke in the crackers.

She was still brooding over the problem that evening when the phone rang. It was Uncle Jeff. She held the receiver about six inches from her ear because his voice was loud and grating.

“Have I Christmas sorted for you and the kids this year, “ he announced, “It’s a surprise that’s, well, out of this world. That’s the only way to put it. “

“Like an all-inclusive luxury hotel in the Maldives out-of -this-world?” asked mum hopefully,

“Not a bad guess. It is a Christmas-get-away. But it’s less boring than a beach,” replied Jeff. In fact the news was so exciting that he had to come round and break it to the family in person.

An hour later, the wheels of Jeff’s Porsche crunched onto the drive. Mum felt a certain amount of dread as she wondered what his Christmas surprise would be. She imagined all the dangerous and irresponsible treats that he might, in his bachelor delusion, believe to be suitable for a family holiday: Big Game Hunting? Scuba Diving with Great White Sharks? Jumping out of helicopters with skis?

She watched her husband grimace as Jeff slapped him on the back and asked “How’s tricks my older bro?”

The kids were supposed to be in bed, but both were sitting in their pajamas at the top of the stairs.

“Hi Uncle Jeff ! “ they chorused. And he gave them a wink and replied, “No listening in now, because what I’m going to say is so exciting that if you hear it, you won’t be able to sleep.”

So of course they both did listen at the living room door while Jeff unveiled his surprise to Mum and Dad.

“I bet,” said Jeremy, “That he knows a rock star or some mega famous actor who’s invited us to stay in a mansion. ”

“I’m not so sure about that, “ said Jemima. “I think Jeff knows business people mainly. Mum says he drives around in sports cars because most of his life is really rather boring.”

And when they both reapplied their ears to the door they heard that Uncle Jeff was indeed talking about a business person, but not a boring one:

“Back in the summer, when you came to stay at my place by the sea, there was a big yacht in the harbour belonging to a mega-rich Russian. Me and the kids ran into him by chance, and there was a little, shall we say, unpleasantness with his staff, for which he was incredibly sorry. And by way of apology, he wants the family – that’s you and the kids – to be the first to try out his life-changing – first of its kind, new frontier -travel service, all absolutely free, gratis, on the house. It will be the holiday of a lifetime.”

“And what sort of holiday would that be?” asked Dad.

“The name of the company is a bit of a giveaway. It’s called ‘Holidays in Space’”.

“I don’t get it,” said Mum.

Well,” said Uncle Jeff. “It does what it says in the tin. Here’s some literature.”

And he handed them some brochures.

“I still don’t get it,” said mum. “What do all these pictures of space rockets mean?”

“Duh ! “ exclaimed Jeremy outside the door. “It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? We’re going to spend Christmas in space, courtesy of Uncle Jeff and his Russian billionaire friend. “

“Don’t be silly and keep your voice down,” hissed back his sister. The could hear that
mum was saying, “Oh no ! Oh no!. Oh no!”

And Jeremy pushed the door open and came flying into the room saying “Yes, yes yes ! Thank you uncle Jeff ! That’s the most incredible idea ever!”

And Jemima was saying “Not me. You won’t catch me going up in rocket propelled bucket!”

Dad just sat looking amazed. Mum was pleading with him. “Explain to your brother why his idea is completely no-can-do, not-on-your-life.”

But Dad got up and hugged his brother.

“You see,” he said, “When we were both growing up, we both wanted to be astronauts. And now Jeff has made it possible. That’s so incredibly kind of him. Of course we must accept. Don’t you see? This is an amazing opportunity for the kids. It will change their whole view of the world. You wouldn’t want them to grow up saying that they had a chance to go into space, but their parents passed it by?“

And when Mum thought about it, she realised that she wouldn’t want her children saying a thing like that.

As soon as the school term finished, the family flew to Russia to begin training for their Christmas holiday. Three and a half hours after leaving London, they landed at Moscow airport. As they came through passport control , surly looking men in leather jackets called out “taxi! taxi!”.

“Nyet, Nyet,” said Mum. It was the only Russian she knew. It means “No.”

“There’s our guide,” said Dad. And he tugged his suitcase on wheels in the direction of a tall blond lady who was holding up a sign that said:

“HOLIDAYS IN SPACE”.

A car picked them up outside airport and drove them along the ring road around Moscow. They looked out at the landscape of snow covered fields, silver birch trees, high-rised flats and signs in unfamiliar Russian letters – and quite frankly they felt that they were already out of this world.

Finally they checked into their hotel inside Star City, the training centre for all the Russian cosmonauts, as well as for space tourists like themselves. The rooms were rather small and poky, and Dad said it was part of the training, to get used to the cramped conditions of the space craft…

A little later, the family went downstairs to meet Uncle Jeff who had been in Moscow for a few days already : “Hey Kids. Welcome to Space City. Have you seen Yuri Gagarin yet?”

“Who’s he?” asked Jeremy.

“Why he’s my hero. The first man in space of course,” said Jeff. “Get you gloves and hats on, and we’ll go and pay homage. He’s just across the square. “

Yuri Gagarin was in fact a statue on the steps of the space museum – - a sliver man flying through a hoop, more like a circus acrobat than a cosmonaut.

As Uncle Jeff explained, the real Yuri Gagarin had died when he crashed his Mig fighter jet. “But he got into space first, in 1961, ahead of the Americans,” he added.

“But the Americans got to the moon first,” said Jeremy.

“That’s true, I well remember watching the Apollo moon mission on a dim television screen when we were boys. The rocket standing on the launch pad in Cape Canaveral. Mission control counting down. And then a blast of fire. Lift off from 0 to 28,000 kilometers per hour, why that’s a bigger rush than my motorcycle can do! Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of trip through space.”

“And now your dream is coming true Uncle Jeff” said Jemima.

“Uh-uh. No room for me. It’s going to be squish getting you four inside the space shuttle,”

And the kids realised just how generous Uncle Jeff had been to give up his chance of fulfilling his boyhood dream for them. Mum would have gladly given him her place in space, but she knew she would be more worried waiting on the ground than if she was actually in orbit with the family.

We’re going to be the first family in space.. It will be like, historic.” said Jeremy.

“And great publicity for the travel company,” said Dad.

“Providing we all get back safely,” added mum.

In the morning, things started to get even more real when they met their space instructor, a former Cosmonaut called Timor who had spent six months living in the International Space Station which orbits the earth. He told the kids:

“When I was in space, I missed my family. There was nothing else on Earth that I felt the need for. So you are very fortunate to be going up with your Mom and Dad.”

Jemima hugged her mother and said how wonderful it was to be going into space together. Jeremy shuffled his feet.

Timor took them to the quartermaster to try on their space suits for the first time. All the suits had “Holidays in Space” written across the chests and helmets. Jeremy had a blue helmet and Jemima had a pink one, Dad had an extra large helmet, and Mum had a neat white one.

Uncle Jeff joined them for their training too – just to so he could get a taste of what space travel would be like. He brought his own space helmet which he had ordered especially from NASA, the American space agency. It bore the inscription:

Buzz Lightyear. Space Ranger.

Mum said it only went to show that Uncle Jeff hadn’t grown up.

Their first space lesson was fun. It involved picking up toothbrushes while wearing big fat gloves, and sticking things to walls with velcro, because in space everything would be floating around. Then they learned to operate the space toilet, which was a cross between a seat and a vacuum cleaner and had lots of different coloured buttons.

The next day things started to get tough. The hardest part of space travel is enduring the enormously powerful gravitational force – or g-force – when you pass out of, and then back into, the Earth’s Atmosphere. This force feels a bit like being on the biggest, fastest, scariest, and most sick-making fair ground ride – and so space training is a bit like going to the fun fair – only a lot worse.

They met Timor in a large empty room next to the gymnasium.

“Jeremy. Please sit on this chair and fasten the seat belt nice and tight,” said Timor. Jeremy did as he was told. The chair wasn’t particularly confortable. He wondered what was going to happen. Was he about to drop through a trap door? Or shoot up through the ceiling at vast speed? No. Wrong on both counts. He started to spin round, fast at first, and then even faster, then even faster. It would have been fine, only he felt that his stomach and his head were both travelling at different speeds in different directions. He wished he had not eaten pancakes and honey for breakfast. ‘STOP !” he shouted. He span round a few dozen more times, but now more and slowly, thankfully.

“Well done. You lasted 96 seconds before begging for mercy. Not bad. “ said Timor.

Jeremy felt too sick to make any comment.

And then Jemima, Mum and Dad all had a go. Mum lasted the longest – two and half minutes – perhaps that was because she had eaten the least breakfast.

Over the next couple of weeks, they did a lot of whizzing around in circles . And trained inside a giant water tank, to get used to floating, because that’s what what you do in space.

At the end of their training, Timor presented each member of the family with a certificate that said.

Diploma of Moscow International Academy of Space Tourism.
Space Tourist. First Class.

And the next day they flew to the desert of Kazakhstan which, although it is a long way south of Moscow, is still cold and snowy in winter.

Jeremy and Jemima looked out of their hotel window towards the brand new space shuttle that stood on the launch pad pointing straight up to the grey clouds. It was the first of its kind, the jumbo-jet of space craft, especially designed to carry tourists out of the world’s atmosphere. The words “Holidays in Space” were written in English and Russian letters down its sides.

Jemima said. “I wish they hadn’t given us a room overlooking that thing. It makes me want to go home,”

And Jeremy said:

“I’m scared too. But we’ve got no choice. Dad’s determined to go.”

Upstairs Mum and Dad were also looking out of the window towards the shuttle. Dad was saying:

“It’s funny. I dreamed of this all my life. And now I see that space craft on the runway, I’m wondering, should I be taking this risk with kids?”

And Mum said:

“We can’t pull out now. It would be too embarrassing.”

And on the top floor , Jeff was looking out at the spaceship, and saying to himself.

“Oh, oh my…. I hope that contraption is space-worthy and totally safe. If anything happens to them, I’ll never forgive myself.”

Just after dawn, a battered old bus took the family over the slushy runway to the shuttle. They wore their space suits and carried their helmets under their arms. Underneath their spacesuits they wore woolly vests and long johns, because it’s cold in space. And underneath those, they wore special diapers or nappies for space travelers because – well I won’t explain that – but let’s just say they had a long flight ahead before they reached the space hotel.

Uncle Jeff was waiting for them next to the steps up into the shuttle. He hugged each of his relatives in turn, giving his brother the last and longest hug:

“Hey kiddo,” he said. “May the force be with you !”

Sergei, the space travel tycoon, was there too. They all got a kiss on both cheeks from the billionaire. Apparently that was a Russian tradition.

The three crew members were the first to climb up the the ladder to the door of the space craft, and the the family followed.  Jemima was last up, and she turned and waved to the television cameras and gave them a happy smile.

Inside, the the space tourists lay down on their seats with their knees bent towards them, as they had been taught. The illuminated signs above their positions read;

“Fasten Seat Belts. Switch off Mobile Phones. No smoking.”

They slotted their safety buckles into place.

Jeremy looked at Jemima, and Jemima looked at Jeremy. Inside their helmets they could hear the chattering of voices from Mission Control, but they couldn’t understand a word because it was all in Russian. Jeremy and Jemima could talk to each other over the radio, but they had to compete with the background babble which was quite confusing. Jeremy said:

“Jeremy to Jemima. Thanks for being a good sister. I mean, if this space- doohickey blows up or something, I want you to know that you were okay really. “

“Jemima to Jeremy,” replied his sister. “It’s not going to blow up. But thanks for being a good brother – most of the time.”

The Countdown was in Russian and English.

At the end of the countdown there was stillness. The chattering in their ears ceased. It was like the whole world had stopped turning.

And then the rocket blasters pushed off. They were travelling at five miles a second straight up. They all felt their stomachs go heave-ho. “I’m not going to be sick, I”m not going to be sick,” said Jeremy. And he was glad that he hadn’t eaten pancakes for breakfast.

The ship shook and shuddered so much that Jeremy could hear his bones rattling – in fact the Wright brothers probably enjoyed a smoother flight when they took off in the first airplane in 1903.

The view through the window turned grey with cloud but soon the view became blue, then purple, and at last black. It had taken them six minutes to reach space.

The rockets stopped firing. The ship stopped shaking. There was silence. A deep, awesome, silence.

Jeremy was the first to see that the seatbelt sign had been turned off. He pressed the red button to release himself, and he cart-wheeled out of his seat. He flew straight into the wall, but it didn’t matter because it was covered with soft padding.

Dad followed him. They were both floating in total weightlessness. And then the oxygen sign came on which meant they could take their helmets off.

“Wow this amazing” exclaimed Jeremy as Jemima shot past him, flaying her arms around like a baby sea gull learning to fly.

Mum was floating on her back like she was resting on the warm calm sea that she had dreamed of for her holiday.

“I think”, said Mum, “That a baby must feel like this insider the mother’s womb.”

The most remarkable part was yet to come. “Hey look at this! “ called Jemima. She was pressing her face against one of the portholes.

She was looking at the top of the world. A translucent blue curve. And beyond it, all infinity. They were all quiet, lost for words, until Jeremy said:

“Hey, Look there’s Santa,” ..

“Where?” asked Jemima.

“…… Caught you…. just kidding.”

And then they were silent again for a while, until Dad said:

“You wouldn’t think there were any problems down there. Like Mr. Jones is late for work and Johnny’s stuck on his home work,”

And the whole family knew that they would always have a special bond. Not just because they were family, but because they had shared experience this together, and had seen Planet Earth from the outside, and felt the harmony of the universe.

The journey took another two days before they caught up with the space hotel in its orbit around earth. Their shuttle docked with the larger ship on Christmas Eve. The family floated into their hotel through connecting hatches. There was music playing in the reception area. It was Jingle Bells.

The butler was a robot called Fred who wore a Santa Claus hat. He introduced them to the luxuries of their new home. Their floating sleeping bags were more comfortable than the best mattresses, and they would sleep like birds on the wing. The water in the shower floated upwards. The space toilet was a slightly different model from the one which they had trained on, but if they got confused they could consult the instruction manual. The refrigerator had every type of drink, but it didn’t matter if they wanted water or champaign, they still had to drink it through a straw. They should use the rowing machine every day, because your muscles can go flabby in space if you aren’t careful. For a special relaxation, the butler could give them a foot massage, or they could climb into the aromatherapy capsule. They could use the free wifi to check their emails, cruise the net or even to watch TV.

But actually, the coolest thing you could do was to look out of the big window to stare into infinite space. Dad asked Fred to move the Christmas tree because it was blocking part of the view.

For Christmas lunch, they strapped themselves to the table so that they wouldn’t float up to the ceiling Fred brought round the Turkey sandwiches and the Christmas pudding. They pulled Christmas crackers and read jokes like:

I only work when I’m fired, what am I?

A rocket.

And

What kind of astronaut can jump higher than a house?

Any kind. A house can’t jump.

And they laughed even more than they would have done at home.

And then they went up to the bridge to look out at the blue planet called Earth.

“Isn’t it just like a new born baby?” said Mum. “It’s so beautiful, so perfect, so fragile. It’s a miracle.”

And Dad said : “Happy Christmas Darling” and he kissed Mum.

And Jemima said:

“I wish we could take something back for Uncle Jeff. Like a piece of moon rock or something.”

And they all remembered how their Wicked Uncle had given them this amazing Christmas present, and Mum admitted:

“For the first time ever, I”m truly sorry that Jeff isn’t with us. It was so kind of him to give up his place on the shuttle for us.”

Their watches were still set to Greenwich Mean Time. Dad noticed that it was almost three o’ clock in London.

“Come on he,” said. “We can’t miss the Queen just because we’re 280 miles above the Buckingham Palace. Let’s fire up the internet.”

A few minutes later, they were all gathered around a screen watching the Queen , just as they watched her at home every Christmas Day.

Her Majesty wore reading spectacles and said: “At this time of peace and goodwill, our thoughts turn to children all over the world”

“Hey, and don’t forget us kids up here in space !” said Jeremy.

When the Queen had finished her Christmas message, Dad wanted to take take “a quick snoop at headlines”. And he picked up the keyboard and switched the screen over to Google News.

“I wouldn’t bother. Nothing ever happens at Christmas,” advised Mum.

“You’re right,” said Dad, “It all looks reassuringly boring down there…. but that’s funny. There’s a news story here that says “Family Stuck in Space”…. Is there another family up here?”

“Here let me see that,” exclaimed Mum in a panicky voice.

The news story – and the 4032 other similar stories on Google News – was about the Crusoe family from Walton Upon Thames, England. There was only one Crusoe family in orbit around the Earth that Christmas. And they were that family. Mum read on.

The Crusoe Family may be spending rather longer in space than they bargained for. The shuttle that was due to bring them back to Earth has failed safety tests. Inspectors from the International Federation for space Travel declared it unsafe to fly after a cleaner noticed that a vital life support system had been fastened to the outside of the craft with masking tape. A spokesman for the Russian Travel company, Holidays in Space, said:

“The Crusoes have enough dried food, water and oxygen to last them another year in orbit. Even if they are celebrating next year’s Christmas in space, they will be OK.”

Mr. Crusoe’s brother, Jeff Crusoe, who is currently in Moscow, said:

“I am working night and day to get the family back down on Earth where they belong.”

When she had finished reading the article Mum said:

“I should have trusted my first instinct. As soon as Jeff said he had got Christmas “sorted” I felt something terrible was going to happen. But I allowed your brother to sweet talk me into this insane space escapade.”

Dad didn’t say anything. He just stared at the Earth and wondered if they would ever see their house in Walton-upon-Thames close up again.

“Next Christmas….” said Jeremy, “That seems like an awfully long time before we get back home”.

“If we ever get down at all ,” said Jemima, who looked more shocked than any of them.

Mum inspected the larder. She found powdered strawberry mousse, powdered milk, powdered chicken broth, powdered lamb curry, and powdered just about any food you could think of.

“It’s back to the 1970s,” said Dad. “That’s what Jeff and I lived on when we were growing up.”

“Don’t talk to me about Jeff,” said Mum.

The week between Christmas and New year passed quietly. Jemima drew maps of the constellations. Jeremy played computer games. Dad practiced virtual reality golf swings, and Mum read War and Peace, which she had always wanted to do, but had never found the time. In fact it would have been a deeply relaxing holiday – if it wasn’t for the fact that they all knew that they were Stuck in Space.

The news did not improve.

“Holiday Space Company Tottering on the Brink…” read Dad on the internet. The millionaires who had booked holidays in the space hotel were cancelling one after the other. The company was in danger of going bankrupt. And if that happened, the Crusoe Family might be stuck in space FOREVER!”

”Like, we’ll just go round the Earth until the End of Time….?” asked Jemima.

“We’ll have to get down to Earth sooner than that ,” said Mum. “Because I’ve sworn a solemn oath to smack your Uncle Jeff around the chops. What was he thinking of, sending us up here? He’s the most irresponsible uncle in the entire world, sorry, in the entire universe “ she said with a gesture towards the universe itself, stretched out just beyond the window.

And then she froze. “Oh my…” she said… “Oh my stars. I’m hallucinating. Or can you see what I can see….”

“I think I can,” said Jeremy.

“Well if you can see Uncle Jeff taking a space walk just outside our window, then your having the same hallucination that I’m having,” said Mum.

“I think we are,” said Dad.

Fifteen minutes later they heard a metallic clunk as the space shuttled docked with the hotel. First Uncle Jeff, and then Sergei, the owner of the travel company, floated into the reception area. Fred the Robot Butler said:

“Welcome to the Space Hotel. The management of Holidays in Space wishes you a happy and comfortable stay .:

“Hey kids, how do you like it up here?” boomed Uncle Jeff.

“Wicked,” said Jeremy. “But it would be nice to get down some time.”

“And very soon you shall,” said Jeff.

An hour later the family were strapped into their seats in the space shuttle The decent to the desert of Kazakhstan took just thirty minutes, but the inside of the shuttle was as hot as sauna on the way down. They landed on the runway with two or three bumps, but no real trouble.

When they climbed down the ladder onto the tarmac, Jeremy looked up at the sky and said:

“Uncle Jeff’s up there somewhere.”

“Yes,” said Jemima. “He got his space trip after all”

You see, after all the millionaires cancelled their Holidays in Space, the only people confident enough to fly in the shuttle were Sergei and Uncle Jeff. According to Sergei, there was nothing much wrong with the shuttle from the safety point of view. It just needed some routine maintenance after its first trip. The story about the masking tape had been spread by a rival company and wasn’t true at all. But the only way to prove that it was true was to make the trip himself. And the only other person who had enough faith to go with him, was Uncle Jeff. And in one week’s time, the shuttle would return to pick them up again and bring them back to Earth.

And that’s the story of how Jeremy and Jemima, Mum and Dad, and Uncle Jeff spent their Christmas Holiday in space.

This is a story about luck, or chance or fate. Some people believe that everything happens is set in the stars at the dawn of time and some people believe everything happens chaotically and at random, and other people believe that we are totally in charge of our own fate. And most of us, well we’re not quite sure what to believe. Perhaps this story will help you make up your mind.

Re-introducing Wicked Uncle Jeff (who is not so wicked at all) and the family of Mum, Dad, Jeremy and Jemima.

Read by Natasha. Story by Bertie. Duration 20.40.

It was Friday morning, and Mum had just managed to pack the kids off to school. But this Friday, Mum had a busy schedule ahead of her – because she didn’t just look after the children, she also worked from home. Her job was cooking for special occasions, like weddings and birthdays and parties. She made cakes and tarts, dainty sandwiches, little nibbles, and all sorts of tasty things on cocktail sticks, and then she packed them all up, put them in the back of the car, and drove them off to the event. Today she had to deliver a feast of snacks to an office leaving-do by 5. p.m. But before she picked up her electric whisk, she thought that she deserved a little time to herself with a cup of tea, a pastry, and the newspaper. As she glanced over the news headlines she thought to herself,

“Oh dear. Sometimes it seems like the only things that ever happen in the world are wars, disasters, and celebrity divorces. And the weather forecast isn’t much better…..”

But one article caught her eye. She couldn’t miss it really, because there was a photograph of Dad’s brother, Jeff, whom the family liked to called The Wicked Uncle because he was totally irresponsible. He never had a proper job, or settled down with a family, and yet he owned several houses and even more cars, boats and motorcycles.

In the picture, he was smartly dressed for the horse races known as Royal Ascot, and at his side was his latest girl-friend, tall, blond, and beautiful, and wearing a ludicrous pink hat. The article said that he was sharing a box at the races with a Russian tycoon whom he had met by chance on a yacht.

Mum sighed. “Some people have all the luck. Jeff seems to live a charmed life. …. why can’t we share just a little bit of his good fortune? I know. I’ll see what my horoscope says…. it’s always fun to know in advance what sort of a day you’re going to have. ”

Mum’s star sign was Libra, which was supposed to mean she was very fair and even-minded. In fact, Mum thought that her star sign gave a very accurate picture of her character. The stars seemed to describe all her family. Dad was a Taurus, which meant that he was stubborn, and that was certainly true, And Jeremy was Leo the lion, which meant that he was cut out to be a great leader, and Jemima was Aquarius, the water sign, which explained why she was so good at swimming. The truth was that really she believed in horoscopes. so as soon as she had finished reading today’s, she immediately wished that she hadn’t. It said:

“The best thing you could do today, is to stay in bed. All the stars and planets are opposed to you. Mars is waging war on you, Sagittarius the archer’s firing her arrows at you, Venus has deserted you, and Taurus the bull is charging you with its horns. Quite frankly, even staying in bed isn’t a fully safe option. Better hide UNDER the bed and stay there until after the weekend.”

Mum stood up crossly and tossed the newspaper in the pedal bin. “That’s ridiculous. I can’t hide under the bed. There isn’t room!… “ she exclaimed “Oh my stars ! What a day this is shaping up to be. But I’ll just have to struggle on and cook those nibbles even if all the forces of the universe are working against me.”

And all day Mum was very careful not to cut herself with a kitchen knife, not to drop a weight on her foot, and not to leave the kitchen while anything was cooking in case a fire started. But even so, everything seemed ten times more difficult than usual. She ran out of caster sugar, she burnt her quiche, and she put too much mustard powder in the French dressing. And then, to top it all, she tripped over Rudy – he was the cat – and dropped her egg whites all over the floor. Rudy started to lick up the goo.

“A black cat,” thought Mum, “Get out of here you,” she screamed. “You’re nothing but Bad Luck !”

While Mum was bravely overcoming every obstacle that cruel fate threw in her way, Dad was also having one of those days. He was stuck in the mother of all traffic jams. There had been an accident on the flyover, and the police were investigating. They were painstakingly picking up every fragment of glass, labelling it, and putting each one into its own separate plastic bag. And to make matters worse, Dad was desperate to go to the loo. As he sat at his wheel fuming and sweating, he called the office to give them an update. A policeman tapped on his window.

“Excuse me sir, don’t you know there’s a law against using your mobile phone while driving? And by the watywhile we are about it, your front wheel is on the yellow grid. You can’t stop here. You’re blocking the traffic. That will be two fines in one. ”

And Dad had to get out of the car, show his driving licence, and answer all sorts of questions while four policemen examined his tires and searched his boot for lethal weapons.

It was half-past one before Dad arrived at work.

“That makes sense,” he thought as he turned on his computer. “It’s Friday the 13th.  I should have called in sick.”

But Friday the 13th, which is supposed to be an unlucky day, had been just fine for Jeremy and Jemima at school. Jemima had a swimming lesson  – which she loved – and Jeremy was just glad because it was end of the week, and on Saturday he would be playing football. When they got home though, they found that Mum was frantically searching for her car keys.

“I’m having a bit of a day,” she said, sounding like she was having a nervous breakdown. Jemima knew it would be best to stay out of Mum’s way. Even Rudy was hiding in the coat cupboard. But Jeremy asked:

“Have you looked in the kitchen drawer?”

“Oh course I have. Do you think I’m stupid or what?” snapped back Mum.

But Jeremy opened the drawer, which was where they usually kept the keys, and lo and behold, that was where they were.  Mum mumbled thanks and grabbed some trays to take out and load into the car.

“Don’t just stand there, help me” she yelled the kids. “And mind you don’t drop anything. That would be all I need right now!”

Ten minutes later, Mum was gone, and Jeremy went up to his room to program his website while Jemima went to tell Rudy that it was safe to come out of the cupboard now. Then Jemima went upstairs to put the finishing touches to her school project all about Queen Cleopatra of Egypt.

When Mum got home she kicked off her shoes, put her feet on the sofa and said:

“What a day. Thank goodness it’s over !”

But it wasn’t. Ten minutes later the phone rang, and an angry voice asked where was the food for the party.

“But I just delivered it,” protested Mum.

“Not to here you didn’t,” exclaimed the voice.

And after quite a bit of arguing, Mum realised that she must have delivered the food to the wrong office. Some greedy office workers had accepted her snacks and were now celebrating the end of the week with a free feast ! While the real party was going without any food.  Mum had wasted her time and money, and at the end of it all, she had lost a customer.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, Dad arrived home looking looking totally fed up. He had left the office early because he was feeling ill, but on the way back, smoke started rising from the bonnet of his car. The breakdown van towed it away to the garage, and he came home by bus.

“I don’t think I can keep on at this job,” he said. “Ever since the office moved, I spend all my time getting there and back. “

And to top it all, Rudy the cat was sick Not just sick but had diarrhea – and not in any old place, like out in the garden or on the kitchen floor but in Jemima’s bedroom, and not just in Jemima’s bedroom, but all over her project on Queen Cleopatra.

There was a terrible scream from the top of the house

“Oh my goodness, what’s happened !” exclaimed Mum.

And then it was followed by a long heart-felt wail….. “My Project !!!!!!!!”

Poor Jemima. She had worked so hard on her project. And now she was going to have to spend the whole weekend doing it all again. And she would have to miss her ballet class on Saturday and her swimming lesson on Sunday.

But at least Jeremy was OK.  Nothing had happened to him. He was happily working on his computer until way too late. When Mum came to wish Jemima goodnight, she was sitting on her bed hugging a big bear that she had loved when she was little and looking very sad.

“Mum,” she asked. “Do you think our family’s cursed? I mean, we always seem to have bad luck.

“Don’t be silly,” said Mum. “We just had a bad day. There’s no such thing as a curse or bad luck. Things just happen sometimes, that’s all. ”

But Mum didn’t sound at all convincing. You see, she did believe in bad luck. And in the morning, when Dad slipped on some sick the cat had made in the night, and landed in a heap on the kitchen floor, she couldn’t hide her true feelings any more.

‘Listen kids,” she said as she helped a badly shaken Dad up to his feet, “I know this sounds a bit spooky, but we had all better be extra careful this weekend. My horoscope says that lots of bad things are going to happen, and judging by the last 24 hours, it’s coming all too true.”

And that really scared Jemima. “Mum, do you think like, anything really really bad could happen? Like, could we die?”

And Jeremy thought that was absolutely hilarious. He was still laughing about it as Dad drove him to the soccer fields.

He was the goal keeper and he knew that saving the ball required loads of skill just a few drops of good luck. Fortunately his luck seemed to be in. The other side had a some great shots at goal, but Jeremy leapt, stretched and dived and kept the ball from crossing the line. The score was nil – nil until, ten minutes before the final whistle, his team’s defender tripped up the other side’s striker. The referee blew his whistle and pointed to the penalty spot.

The centre forward was about to take the penalty. He placed the ball on the spot and considered the goal. Jeremy reckoned that he was eying up the top left corner of the posts. His opponent ran up and struck the ball cleanly with his boot. Jeremy sprang through the air like a ballet dancer and just reached the ball with his little finger. As he landed on the muddy ground he knew that he was the hero of the match, but oh, his little finger was hurting. The ball had bent it back.

An hour later the phone rang at home. Jemima picked it up, before calling out:

“Mum…. it’s the hospital, Jeremy’s in Accident and Emergency.”

Mum prepared herself for the worst. She picked up the phone as bravely as she could and she had to ask the nurse to repeat what had happened three times before she understood that her son had probably broken his little finger, that his football trainer had to leave, and that somebody should come wait with Jeremy until he had an xray.

“Yes, I’ll come right away,” said Mum. She went to the drawer to look for her keys, but they weren’t there.

“Don’t you remember,” said Jemima. “Dad’s car is broken-down, so he took yours to his golf match…. .but you do you what? Uncle Jeff lives not far from the hospital, maybe he could go and wait with Jeremy.”

“Oh I expect he’s away on one of his exotic holidays, “ said Mum, “You know Uncle Jeff, he spends his weekends scuba diving or trekking in the himalayas. “

But in fact Uncle Jeff was having a quiet weekend at home for once, and when Mum called, he said he would be only too pleased to help out, and besides, it would be an opportunity to catch up with his nephew and have a good chat while they waited.

And by the time Uncle Jeff got to the hospital, Jeremy had already had his xray, and a splint was holding together two fingers on his left hand.

“Good job your trigger finger’s still in tact,” said Uncle Jeff. “Come on, let’s go clay pigeon shooting. I reckon we’ve safely got two hours while your Mum thinks you’re still waiting at the hospital.”

“Wow!” said Jeremy. “You bet !”

But back at home, Jemima and Mum had yet more anxiety. Rudy was still sick and didn’t want to come out of the coat cupboard. They both wished that they had taken him to the vet that morning – but now it was Saturday afternoon, and they would have to wait until Monday.

“This has to be the most unlucky weekend any family ever had” said Jemima.

But Jeremy came back looking pleased with himself. After all, he was the hero of the match, and though he didn’t let on to Mum about it, he had a great time clay pigeon shooting.

When uncle Jeff heard about Rudy he said: “Don’t worry. I know a woman who can do wonders for any cat. She has healing hands.”

And although Mum didn’t have much faith in Uncle Jeff’s cat-healing friend, she was willing to give anything a try. So Jeff took poor Rudy off in his basket and Jemima went with him. They returned that later with a very well and satisfied looking cat.

“That’s a miracle. What did she do?” asked Mum.

And Jemima explained:

“She said that he was suffering from stress and all he needed to do was to chill out. So she gave him a massage for an hour, and he was purring away in cat-heaven – and look – now he’s completely better.”

“Well ,well, “ said Mum. “Jeff seems to have an easy answer to every problem.”

Mum asked Uncle Jeff to stay for supper and he said that he would be delighted to eat some proper home cooking. She made her special cottage pie with steamed vegetables that she had grown in the garden and while they were eating, Jemima asked:

“Uncle Jeff. Why are you so much luckier than we are? I mean, like, you’re Dad’s brother. But everything always seems to turn our right for you, and Dad, well, he just doesn’t seem to have any luck at all.”

Dad gave his daughter an annoyed stare, but he couldn’t protest as his mouth was full of cottage pie. Jeff saw this and smiled affectionately at his brother

“Well first of all, I don’t think I’m luckier than your Dad. Not one bit. He has a beautiful family, and I just have strings of girl-friends. In many ways, I’m quite envious of his steady life. And secondly, luck is just all about how you see things. Everything that’s happened to you this weekend could be seen as bad luck, but if you look at it differently, it could also be seen as good luck.”

“Good luck? “ exclaimed Mum. “What’s been good about anything that’s happened yesterday or today?

“Well lots of things,” said Jeff. “For instance, you delivered your party snacks to the wrong address. You lost a customer – but I’m willing to bet that the other office food were very impressed by your delicious cooking. And probably they are feeling just a bit guilty about eating your food for free. So I see that as an opportunity. They are your next customer, and perhaps they will be a bigger and better customer.”

“And then Dad’s having trouble getting to work since his office moved. So why doesn’t he suggest to them that he works from home? Anyone can work from home these days, and it’s a much better lifestyle.”

“What? Have him at home all day. I’m not so sure about that idea,” said Mum.

But Jeff went on. And as for Jemima. Yes, her project was ruined, but that gave her a chance to do it again, and do it even better. And even Rudy being sick was good luck for him, because he scored an enjoyable cat massage. As for Jeremy, yes he broke his finger, but he saved the match, and breaking his finger to do it made him even more of a hero in the eyes of his mates. And to finally all this has been a wonderful opportunity for a family get-together – which is something we don’t do often enough.”

“So actually Jemima, “ said Uncle Jeff, “I don’t especially have any good luck. In fact, I’m always getting into all sorts of trouble and scrapes. You lead a much more steady life, and in some ways, I’m quite envious of you. But I believe that the whole trick is not to see our little problems as bad luck, but to see them as opportunities. “

And although Mum didn’t entirely see things the way Uncle Jeff did, she now understood the secret of how he seemed to be always followed around by good luck.

The first time we met Jeremy and Jemima’s Wicked Uncle Jeff we discovered that he was not so much “wicked” as “irresponsible”. Mum  and Dad decided that it would be better if he did not look after the children again. But when Dad forgot to book a holiday, the family went to stay with Uncle Jeff in his house by the sea. A little oversight by Jeff led to the children getting into heaps of trouble – and  their uncle getting into even more.

The character of the Wicked Uncle was inspired by our friends at the Wicked Uncle website

Read by Natasha. Duration 21.46. An original story by Bertie.

It was summer. Everyone was going away on holiday. Everyone, that is, except for Jeremy, Jemima and their parents. You see, Dad hadn’t booked a trip this year because he couldn’t decide where to go. Europe was so expensive. America was so far away. India was so hot. Oh dear. He couldn’t think of the perfect place that would be just right.

School had already broken up for the long vacation. The kids were growing bored. Mum was becoming irritable. And Dad was still studying the travel pages of the newspapers.

“Well there’s always England, ” Mum said one Sunday morning in July.

“England….” repeated Dad … as though he had never heard of the place, although he had lived their all his life. And then he added: “Doesn’t it always rain in England?”

At this mum lost her patience: “Well look out of the window? Does it seem like it’s raining to you?” she snapped. Because you see, it had been hot and sunny every day for a month.

And Jeremy pleaded: “Dad we must go on holiday. We can’t stay in this dump all summer long.”

And Jemima began to sing:

“I do love to be beside the seaside. I do love to be beside the sea.”

Dad shook his head and muttered that it was probably too late to go on holiday to the English seaside, because everywhere would be booked up by now.

But Jeremy had an idea.

“I know. Uncle Jeff’s got a holiday house by the sea. Let’s go and stay with Uncle Jeff? Can we please ?”

“Oh NO! said mum. “Not with Uncle Jeff.”

And the thought of staying with his brother was enough to make Dad go up stairs to his study and scour the internet for holiday cottages by the sea. Unfortunately he was right. It was too late. Everything was booked up.

On the first of August, the tires of Dad’s big blue estate car crunched up the driveway of Uncle Jeff’s country house by the sea.

“Wow” said Jeremy. “This isn’t a house. It’s a castle!”

“Don’t be silly, Jeremy,” said Jemima. “In the old days big houses had turrets to look nice, not because they were real castles.”

And although Uncle Jeff’s house wasn’t quite a castle, it was certainly large. His sports car was parked in front of the house. He kept a boat on a trailer in the garage And he had a few sheep to nibble the grass on the lawn. If you went round the back of the house, you could see the sea. And a rather noisy family of sea gulls was living in the turret that had so impressed Jeremy.

As the family clambered out of the car, Jeremy asked : “Dad why is Uncle Jeff so much richer than you? And Dad looked cross and muttered something about ill-gotten gains.

And by then, the “The Wicked Uncle” himself – was standing on the steps leading up to the front door and calling out:

“Hello Gang !”

The kids both waved and called back “Hello Uncle Jeff !” but Dad couldn’t have looked more annoyed if a sea gull had just pooed on his head.

Uncle Jeff’s housekeeper showed the family to their rooms and then they all came down to the dining room for tea and scones.

Mum asked: “Well kids, what do you want do this holiday?” and Jeremy and Jemima chorused “Go to the beach !”

But Dad looked a bit fed up because he thought the beach was boring.

“I”ll tell you what,” said Uncle Jeff. “I’ll take the kids to the beach so that Mum and Dad can have some time together. They can take a lovely walk along the cliffs to the next village where there’s a great old pub. ”

And although Dad thought that the walk along the cliffs to the old pub did sound rather nice, he said: “It’s alright Jeff. We’ll look after the kids”.

Jeremy and Jemima loved everything to do with the beach: Digging sandcastles, eating ice cream, playing volleyball, diving into the waves, and snoozing in the sun. Mum and Dad both wore big floppy hats, put on sun cream, and read big fat paper back books.

In the evenings they went into town and walked along the waterfront where they bought fish and chips. The town was an old port built on the mouth of a wide river leading out to sea. There was always something interesting to look at, as the water was always busy with yachts and fishing boats, and the car ferry sailing to and fro.

On Thursday evening there was something rather different to look at. A sleek white yacht the size of a ship had pulled into port. It was so big that it made the other yachts look like toys. Everyone was impressed, and none less than Jeremy.

“I bet its owner is even richer than Uncle Jeff,” he said.

“Yes, I wonder who owns it,” said Mum.

And later that evening, when they asked Uncle Jeff about the yacht, he promised to speak to his friend who knew all the gossip about the port.

The routine of beach during the day and stroll during the evening continued, but when Dad had read to the end of his book, he began to think how nice it would be to take that walk along the cliffs to the pub. And when he mentioned the idea to Mum, even she said:

“Yes it would be nice to have a break from the kids.”

Dad pondered: “I don’t suppose they could come to any harm on the beach with Uncle Jeff”

And mum agreed:

“No I don’t suppose they could.”

The next day they gave Uncle Jeff his instructions for looking after the kids. They must wear hats and sun lotion. They mustn’t swim too far out to sea. They mustn’t have more than one ice cream each. They mustn’t shriek and make too much noise. And Jeff said:

“Right-oh. Got ya.”

Which didn’t make Mum feel at all reassured.

But Uncle Jeff did make sure that the kids wore hats and sun lotion. And he only them bought two ice creams each. And for a while, he did watch them while they were swimming. He even bought them a little inflatable boat, so that they could have some fun floating on it and jumping on and off into the waves.

But the thing that made the day more interesting than other days on the beach was that the Russian yacht had moved. It was sitting anchored out at sea not that far away from the beach. When a helicopter took off from the deck, Jeff took out his binoculars and let Jeremy look through them.

“Wow that’s amazing” said Jeremy.

Uncle Jeff said that the owner of the ship was called Sergei Manovich and that he was one of the richest men in Russia – in fact he was richer than some countries.

“Wow he must be really wicked,” said Jeremy. And Uncle Jeff agreed that he probably was.

Uncle Jeff watched the kids play all morning, but in the afternoon he decided that it would probably be alright if he allowed himself a short nap. “After all, they are good kids really,” he said to himself. “And they can’t come to much harm on the beach.”

Jeremy and Jemima were playing Pirates with the little boat. At first they didn’t go more than a few yards from the beach, but gradually the waves and their game took them a little further out. They were still among the swimmers and the wind surfers, but Jemima said:

“Jeremy : I think we ought to go back in,” and they both leant over the boat and started to paddle with their hands. But instead of returning to the beach, the current pulled them further out. First Jemima and then Jeremy started to wave and call out “Uncle Jeff! Uncle Jeff!” but he was fast asleep and didn’t see or hear them.

Soon they were really quite a long way out. “Oh no. I think we are in trouble,” said Jemima. And even Jeremy felt frightened.

They were so far out now that they were closer to the Russian ship than the shore. Jemima could see a sailor on the deck as he leant against the side and watched the beach. She waved frantically to him and called “Help Help” and after a while the sailor waved back.

“He thinks your just saying hello” said Jeremy. But fortunately the sailor was smarter than that, because very soon after the yacht started lower a life raft down the side. “Thank Goodness, We’re saved” said Jemima. But when Jeremy and Jemima stood up in their little boat, it tipped over and both of them fell into the sea. A sailor dived off the life raft and swam over to help them. It was a bit of a struggle, but both children were hauled spluttering and shaking up onto the raft. One of the sailors said in a foreign accent:

“Well kids. Would you like a ride back to the beach, or would you like to see on board our ship first?”

Jemima said: “Back to the beach please”.

But Jeremy said: “Oh can we see the ship? Please please can we see the ship”.

Back on the beach, Uncle Jeff sat up slowly and scanned the shore for a sight of the children. He couldn’t see them anywhere, but he said to himself:

“I expect they’ve gone to buy another ice cream.” Then he rummaged in his bag and took out his binoculars to another look at the Russian yacht. He noticed a life boat being winched up the side. He focused in closer and saw two small children in the boat.

“Funny. They look a bit like Jeremy and Jemima,” he said to himself. And then he noticed their little dingy capsized near by. “They are Jeremy and Jemima” he said. “Oh no. I’m going to be in a heap of trouble for this.”

And he ran down to the sea and started to swim out towards the yacht as fast as he could. He was a powerful swimmer, and he soon reached the yacht. He started to climb up the anchor chain. This was no easy thing to do, but Jeff was no ordinary uncle.

On board the ship, two young ladies wearing sun glasses, hats, and bikinis took charge of Jeremy and Jemima. They showed them the swimming pool, the gymnasium, the beauty salon, the cinema, and the helicopter pad.

“It’s like a floating palace,” said Jeremy. And one of the women said, “Yes, it is exactly like a palace.”

“Excuse me. Are you Russian?” asked Jemima.

The lady whose name was Chiara laughed and said “No. I am from Italy and my friend Julia is from Brazil, but the owner is Russian and the crew are from Ukraine.”

And at about that same time, at the other end of the ship, two Ukrainian sailors were amazed to find Uncle Jeff clambering on board from the top of the anchor chain.

“Hi. I’m looking for my niece and nephew,” said Uncle Jeff, as he jumped onto the deck. But the sailors did not understand him. Instead, they tried to grab hold of him.

“Oi. That’s not a nice welcome,” said Uncle Jeff and threw a punch at one of the sailors. This was a rather silly thing to do. The second sailor hit over the head with something heavy and Uncle Jeff fell unconscious on the deck. The sailors dragged him down into the hold and locked him inside a sea container.

Jeremy and Jemima were sitting by the swimming pool and sipping milk shakes. “I think we should go back to the beach now if you don’t mind,” said Jemima. “Our Uncle Jeff will be worried about us.” And Chiara said, “Yes I will go and ask the sailors who rescued you,” and she went off to look for them.

Up in the bridge of the ship, the two sailors who had found Uncle Jeff reported to the captain.

“So we have a British spy, ” said the captain. “We shall put out to sea and get rid of him before the boss gets back.”

Soon after that, Jeremy and Jemima noticed that the ship was starting to move. Jemima ran up to a sailor and said “You can’t go out to sea. You’ve got to take us back to the beach first.” But the sailor didn’t understand what she was saying, and besides, he was busy.

Jeremy ran off to look for Chiara and Julia, but he couldn’t find them anywhere. Eventually he bumped into Jemima who was also looking for help.

“Oh no,” she said. “I think we’ve been kidnapped.

“Perhaps they are going to take us to Russia,” Jeremy said sadly.

But the ship did not go very far out to sea before it stopped and weighed anchor again. A group of sailors gathered on the deck and two of them held a long piece of wood. They started to tie it to the railing so that it stuck out over the edge of the boat. It was a bridge to nowhere.

When Jeremy saw this, he grew very frightened. “Do you know what?” he said. “They are pirates. And I think they are going to make us walk the plank.”

“Don’t be so silly,” said Jemima. “Why would they want do do that?” But Jeremy whispered,

” Hide !” and both of them slipped inside the door to the beauty salon.

Ten minutes later Jeremy cautiously looked out of the porthole to see what was going on. He saw that two sailors were gripping a man by his arms. His hands were tied behind his back. They were dragging him towards the plank.

“Jemima. Come and see this,” said Jeremy. “They’ve got a prisoner and they are going to make him walk the plank.:

“Oh stop being stupid,” said Jemima, But she was curious enough to come to take a look through the porthole.”

“Oh my goodness me!” she said. “That’s Uncle Jeff !”

And both the children rushed out onto the deck.

“Stop ! Stop !” cried Jemima. And Jeremy ran up to Uncle Jeff and threw his arms out to hug his legs.

“Kids, Am I glad to see you,” said Uncle Jeff. ” You won’t believe this. These guys were about to make me walk the plank.”

The sailors seemed confused and one of them went to talk to the captain. A little the helicopter landed on the ship and the Russian owner climbed out, bowing his head under the rotor blades.

The sailors seemed confused and one of them went to talk to the captain. A little later the helicopter landed on the ship and, Sergei Manovich, the Russian owner, climbed out, bowing his head under the rotor blades. Chiara and Julia were up on the helipad to meet him with kisses and hugs. They pointed to Jeff and the children, and he gave them a friendly wave.

A little later, the children were splashing in the pool. Uncle Jeff was chatting to Sergei while Julia and Chiara sunned themselves. Towards evening, a life boat took the visitors back to the shore.

As they drove back to the house, Uncle Jeff said: “I don’t think we need tell mum and dad about this little adventure, do you?” And Jemima said,

“No. And we won’t tell them that you bought us two ice creams either.”

Mum and Dad are going away for a romantic weekend, and “Wicked” Uncle Jeff is left in charge of the children. The children have homework to do, but Uncle Jeff thinks that is far too boring. He has other ideas, and a misadventure follows.

The idea for this story was inspired by our friends at Wicked Uncle, a website that helps Wicked Uncles remember the birthdays of their nephews and nieces.

Read by Natasha. Duration 16.46.

It was Mum and Dad’s Crystal Anniversary, which meant that they had been married for 15 years. To celebrate, Dad was taking Mum away for a long weekend to a secret, romantic location. The children, Jeremy and Jemima, were going to stay with Aunty Jane. Only Aunty Jane was a bit scatterbrained, and she forgot all about her promise to look after her sister’s children, and she also arranged to go away that weekend. And so she couldn’t look after the kids after all.

“Well I suppose I could ask Jeff,” said Dad.

“Oh no, anybody but Jeff,” said Mum.

But as it turned out, there was nobody else but Jeff to be found at such short notice.

Jeff was Dad’s brother. The children hadn’t seen him since they were very small, and Mum called him their “wicked Uncle” because he always forgot their birthdays. Sometimes he sent cards and a ten pound note – but always at completely the wrong time of year.

“I bet he is awfully wicked,” said Jemima, “because Mum really really doesn’t like him at all. I think he went to prison”

“Or perhaps he was a pirate?” said Jeremy hopefully.

But when Jemima asked Dad if Uncle Jeff had been to prison, Dad said that No he hadn’t, at least, not as far as he knew. But he didn’t say it like he was surprised she had asked. I mean, if somebody asked you if somebody you knew had been to prison, you might at least try to sound a bit surprised. But Dad didn’t.

Uncle Jeff arrived late on Friday night, and in the morning, when Jeremy looked out of the window he saw a red sports car parked in the drive next to Dad’s big blue estate car. A taxi came very early to pick up Mum and Dad and take them to the airport. Later, Jemima and Jeremy got up and made their own breakfast, but Jeremy didn’t eat his at the kitchen table like he was supposed to. Instead, still in his pajamas, he took toast and jam into the living room and switched on the television.

“You know that Mum doesn’t let us watch TV on Saturday mornings,” said Jemima. “because they only show rubbish.”

“Well Mum isn’t here. She’s enjoying a weekend of freedom from us,” said Jeremy.

“I bet Uncle Jeff will tick you off,” said Jemima.

At about about ten o’clock, Uncle Jeff came into the living room just as an army of tanks was being destroyed by robots from the Planet Zeeton.

“Bang ! Pehow ! Poook!” said Uncle Jeff, like a lot of guns and explosives going off. Jeremy looked up at him in amazement. Dad never said anything like that.

“Scuse me kids,” said Uncle Jeff. “I need a cup of strong black coffee before I can face the world – Now where’s the kitchen? Oh, I’m your Uncle Jeff by the way,” and he disappeared down the corridor. A little later, he returned and asked, “Well what are we going to do today?”

“Homework,” said Jemima.

And Uncle Jeff said, “Bor-ing. What’s the world coming to? Don’t kids these days get up to any mischief? ”

“Let’s go and buy some computer games” suggested Jeremy.

“Could do,” said Uncle Jeff thoughtfully. “But I had something a bit more outdoors in mind. Come on. Get dressed and I’ll take you on a surprise treat.”

A little later, they all got into Dad’s estate car. Jeremy was supposed to be strapped into a child seat for safety, but he asked cheekily, “Can I drive?” and Uncle Jeff said, “Well alright, but only on the driveway.” Jemima protested that her little brother didn’t know how to drive a car, but Uncle Jeff said that it was never too early to learn, and he let Jeremy sit on his lap and hold the steering wheel. But Just as Jeff was starting the engine, Jeremy moved the gear stick, and the car leapt forward with a great crunching noise. There was a burning smell and smoke started to come out of the bonnet.

“Whoops, there goes the clutch,” said Uncle Jeff. “I don’t think Dennis is going to be too pleased. Perhaps we won’t mention this little incident to your Dad. We’ll just let him think that your mother broke the car. Well, what shall we do now?”

“Can we go in your sports car?” asked Jeremy?

“Well, so long as I drive,” said Uncle Jeff. And they all got out and went over to Uncle Jeff’s car. It was rather cramped on the back seat, even for the children, and there certainly wasn’t room for Jeremy’s safety seat. He reversed out of the drive at quite a pace, and soon was roaring down their street so that all of their neighbours must have heard them. Then Uncle Jeff turned on some loud music and opened the sun roof. His style of driving was not at all like Dad’s. He zipped in and out of traffic and shot through lights just as they were turning from orange to red. Jemima thought he was an irresponsible driver, but she didn’t say anything because that wouldn’t be polite. Jeremy said, “Can we go faster Uncle Jeff?” And Uncle Jeff put his foot on the pedal and they went even faster. He took them out of the town, and down a dual carriageway into the countryside. Eventually he turned up what looked like a farm track. A sign read, “Clay Pigeon Shooting’.

When they stopped and got out of the car, Uncle Jeff opened up the little boot and took a long leather pouch. Jeremy realised that there was a gun inside. “Oh, can I hold it?” he asked. And Uncle Jeff said “Maybe.”

Clay Pigeons aren’t real pigeons, but disks that are shot out of a machine and fly through the air. If you are shooting you try to smash the disk. But it’s extremely difficult to hit a moving target, and requires lots of skill.

Uncle Jeff made sure that Jeremy and Jemima were kitted out with ear protectors because gun-fire is really loud and can make you deaf. They also had to wear goggles in case a bit of clay flew into their eyes.

They stood in a field and when Uncle Jeff called “pull” a clay pigeon flew out of a kind of bunker. Uncle Jeff smoothly followed the target with his gun and squeezed the trigger. There was a loud bang and the smell of gun powder in the air. He missed. But he called out “pull” again and another target flew through the air. This time he hit it and the clay smashed into pieces.

“Can I have a go?, Can I have a go?” begged Jeremy.

And Uncle Jeff showed him how to hold the shotgun broken open at the middle so that it couldn’t go off by accident. And then he showed him how to hold it in firing position so that its kick wouldn’t hurt his shoulder. The shot gun was almost as big as Jeremy, but he thought that holding it was the coolest thing ever.

“Pull” he shouted, and a pigeon flew through the air. He followed it and squeezed the trigger. The gun went “Boom” and it jumped as if it had a life of its own. Jeremy missed by a mile. But he was very excited, and as soon as Uncle jeff had loaded a new cartridge into the barrel, he called “Pull” again and another pigeon flew through the air and he missed one more time. In fact, however many times he tried, Jeremy couldn’t hit the target.

And then Jemima had a go. And do you know what? She was really good at shooting. She smashed the target about four or five times.

Even Uncle Jeff was impressed, “Better than doing homework, eh?” he said as they squished back into his car. Jeremy and Jemima thanked their uncle for their treat.

“It was really wicked,” said Jeremy.

“Well it was fun.” said Jemima. “But I don’t think you should have taken us clay pigeon shooting without asking Mum first.”

“How do you know I didn’t ask her?” said Uncle Jeff.

“Because she would almost certainly have have said ‘no’” said Jemima. “And by the way, please drive more slowly and carefully. There are children in the back, – you are the responsible adult.”

Uncle Jeff slowed down and promised to drive carefully. And Jemima felt better because she realised that safety was even more important than being polite or worrying about causing offence.

When they got back to town, Uncle Jeff took them to a Turkish Kebab restaurant for lunch, and Jeremy tried hot chili sauce which burned his mouth. He had to eat loads of ice cream afterwards to cool off.

But when they got back to the house, Uncle Jeff searched in vein through his pockets for the front door key. And then he realized that he must have got it mixed up with his own from home. They were locked out.

“Is there a way in the back?” he asked. And they tried the side gate and found that it was open.
The French doors at the back of the house were firmly closed. But there was a window open just above the extension had been added to the back of the house only last year.

“It’s a pity. I think I’m too heavy to climb onto that roof” said Uncle Jeff.

“But I can,” said Jeremy. And since there was no other way into the house, Uncle Jeff agreed to lift Jeremy up onto the roof of the porch. He started to scramble up towards the window. But when he got to it, he found that the window was stuck and he couldn’t get it open any more. But there was a higher window that was fully open, and Jeremy thought that he might be able to climb up to that one by getting up onto the garden wall.

“Oh no” called out Uncle Jeff when he saw what Jeremy was trying to do. “That’s too dangerous”.

But Jeremy didn’t listen. He was on the top of the garden wall and now he was trying to stretch across to the high window. But the stretch was too far and he didn’t make it. He fell down to the roof of the porch. The extension to the house hadn’t been made very well by the builders and Jeremy went straight through the roof of the sun room. He landed on top of Mum’s tomato plant.

“Oh,” said Jeremy.

“Oh dear,” said Jeff.

“I don’t think mum’s going to be pleased,” said Jemima.

A nosy neighbour saw what had happened and called the police: He told them:

“There’s a boy who’s just got in through the roof, and man holding what can only be a gun. Then there’s a lass too. She looks really mean.”

“What makes you say it’s a gun sir?” asked the policeman.

“Well I was in the army for fifteen years and I think I know what a gun looks like,” said the neighbour.

It wasn’t often that people with guns tried to break into houses in that area. In fact, Jeremy and Jemima lived on one of the sleepiest and most peaceful streets you could imagine. But the police officer who took the call decided to send an armed response unit just to be on the safe side.

It took Jeremy a few minutes to get over the shock of falling through the roof. He wasn’t badly hurt, but he had cut and bruised himself and he had  earth in his hair and looked quite a sight. The police car screeched up the drive just as he was letting Uncle Jeff and Jemima in through the front door.

“Armed Police Officers, Freeze !” shouted the policeman.

And Uncle Jeff said, “Don’t shoot. I’ve got a licence for this gun.”

Uncle Jeff, Jemima and Jeremy spent the rest of the day at the police station. Jemima and Jeremy were allowed to sit in the waiting room with a policeman and a policewoman sitting on either side of them. They weren’t allowed to talk to each other. Uncle Jeff was taken down to the cells before being interviewed. He gave them his brother’s mobile phone number, but since Mum and Dad were in Paris on a romantic weekend, they had both turned their mobile phones off for the day. It was 10 O’Clock at night before they managed to persuade the police that they weren’t a gang of criminals and could go home.

On Sunday, they all got up rather late.

“Well what shall we do?” asked Uncle Jeff.

“Homework” said Jemima. And Jeremy agreed that they both needed to do their homework. After that, Jemima asked Jeff if they could make a carrot cake, and they got one of Mum’s recipe books out and they all did the mixing and baking. The result wasn’t too bad. Then they went out and bought some flowers from the stall for Mum and Dad. Then they read books and went to bed at seven o clock.

“Well, ” said Uncle Jeff to himself as he watched the football match on TV. “I think a Wicked Uncle has an important role to play in the upbringing of every child. They won’t forget this weekend in a hurry. I’ve set the kids a great example of how NOT to behave. ”

And he had. But funnily enough, Mum and Dad never asked him to look after the kids for the weekend again.