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Casual finesse

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Wed, 22 May 2013 22:44:34 +0000

Yesterday's run was tough. I had a cramp in my side from the very beginning and it just made it so much more difficult. At times I could slow down and just look at everything - that was nice, that just makes the cramp hurt less. But after while of looking around and slowing down, it dissipated and although it was easier, my remaining run was still quite strained.

Funny thing is that my time wasn't all that bad...huh wierd. I figure it's because I ain't sleeping too well lately. I run better on good sleep. I don't know what it is. I go to bed and just stare into the blackness of my eyelids and sometimes think, sometimes remember what happened in the day or something else. Maybe its the upcoming exams? Unhanded assignment? Work? Dunno... Its been like this for about a week now.

That said, I've been running, and gyming a lot and they say, "Don't eat too late". That's what everyone says. You should eat well before you go to bed. I don't always follow this, because at times I'm hungry before I go to bed, so I eat. Don't eat too late. That's what everyone else says.

You know, you start listening to what everyone says and you stop listening to what you say... I always find advice a particularly interesting paradox which, like most things, sure has its time and uses and wisdom. Far be it for me to entirely neglect others experiences but generally I feel only that our own experiences really tell us we're are living, albeit at a greater risk. But we're only talking about sleeping here. But maybe they're right in this instance(eating before bed).

Anyway, the other day, a while back now, over the weekend, I was walking back from the gym at night, I was about to pass a bus stop and then I glanced real-quick at its contents, and then this one girl stepped out of the darkness towards me and asked me if I could buy them(two girls) tobacco from this news agent, she pointed at it, behind the bus stop. It was lit up, the bus stop was in the dark, it was around ten at night, Saturday, and I looked at them, then at the street, maybe I seemed friendly or something but it just seemed out of place really, too young, pretty but too young to be smoking. I said "yeah, if they take cards, but I doubt it" which I know they don't normally take. But it was risky because some do. They asked again, would I do it for them? I looked at them, hesitated, but found what I wanted to say easily as my brain was particularly on the ball that night, surprisingly and I said with a certain kinda casual finesse: "I'd prefer not to". They turned and said ok. I said ok. And that was that. Capish. And I thought to myself slightly hazed, "yeah, I'd prefer not to..." And kept repeating that to myself as I crossed the road wondering how my brain had delivered so well all by itself, so automatically as if I wasn't part of the internal discussion. I carried on thinking about my just-now fancy footwork as i walked on towards the train station. Felt like the right thing to do but I felt like automatic. I'm not sure what else I might have said. Still, I thought about that as I climbed onto the Train towards Waterloo. Bizarr-o!

That was Saturday evening. Earlier I had bought myself a new pair of shoes that I'd been scrutinising and had agonisingly considered for the past three weeks. I also bought a blue shirt and a belt to go with these new leather shoes of mine. I went for a walk in them around Wimbledon common. It was a good day and they felt real good, are modest and strong. I wish everything was like this.

There is this laundrette down the road from me. It's classic. Ive said this before, I might have seen it in a movie somewhere. It's vintage really, real 80's. one day I'll visit I think. Just to see.

I have found myself thinking about a very interesting phrase lately. It's about stupid risks that some people take. For example, taking the decision to cross a busy road or perhaps less stupid but still a good example, hurling ones self of a bridge attached to an elastic band or dispatching oneself from a moving airplane only to hurry back down to earth...that sort of stupid junk. Anyway, The phrase is that "you only die once". Right? makes complete and utter sense to me. And as such why risk it? Anyway that's how I feel about Bungie jumping, crossing busy roads and to a limited degree the tube collapsing and dying generally...because generally you only die once. Unless you don't, but if that happens one should keep that to yourself, generally. I sound paranoid or scared but I'm not I'm just real curious and careful! Now that I think about it, perhaps I am paranoid, like that guy in the movie, "Fantastic fear of everything" where the dudes convinced that all people have an agenda which is to kill him. But I'm sure if I told him my little phrase, he'd understand...

My very specialized running watch had a brain fart this evening and logged only 6 minutes or my run today. Thats all I have to say about that.

Rebound dreaming

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Sun, 12 May 2013 19:29:24 +0000

I went outside and it was raining. I was hungry and it was that time. I dropped into the local salad shop and bought my usual healthy salad with chicken(for protein), it was still raining so I had my lunch there. After I was through with it, I walked down to the station and bought a magazine and figured that I'd sit down and read it in a coffee shop. So I went into W.H Smiths and bought a Scientific American Mind. I don't really like reading about current affairs. I guess, I should be more intune with the world around me but sometimes if I forget about it, it doesn't influence or affect me. I ordered a grande latte. The girl who served me was nice. I picked up my coffee at the end of the line and carried it with me where I sat down and sipped it before finding the index page in the mag. I read an article about MS(Multiple Sclerosis) and about negativity and the damage it may do to suppress ones own negative thoughts as they can be as therapeutic as positive thoughts are. That was interesting and the coffee was nice. I kept on reading for an hour, and thats how long it took me to finish my coffee too. I'm getting used to people around all the time, even while I'm reading, eating or even running. In this article I was reading, they said that if you try to suppress something and try to avoid it, you tend to dream about it. That's called a rebound dream. I get that sometimes. Its when I can't figure out how to do something in my head but need to. I go home and sleep and dream about it but I figure it out in the morning. Its not a negative thing, its a positive thing. I guess it might be related to stress in not knowing how to do it and then my mind goes into hyperdrive and figures it out. I wonder how much of a psychological toll that has on ones subconscious because we can't feel our subconscious' anguish. Anyway whatever. I had two bowls of cereal this morning, that was too much. I enjoyed it though - its this cinnamon cereal - real nice.

I'm working rather contently at work lately, all my rebound dreaming is paying off it seems and things don't seem as complicated as they were when I started. I pulled out my desk fan today and put it on my desk and it is nice to have it blowing in my face as I work at my desk. I discussed some designs with some of the guys at work about the work I'm doing and we found a flaw which I think I'm going to have to come up with a solution for. I had to think about it so I decided to go for another a coffee break with a colleague, but didn't talk about it, I just needed some fresh air and coffee - actually I didn't have coffee at all I had an orange juice at the coffee shop. I'll have to think about it more. Tomorrow is Friday and thats a good thing. Heard something funny today: This girl rolls over to her boyfriend in bed and says, "Why don't you ever take me some place expensive?" To which he replies, "Baby, get dressed, I'll take you some place expensive." and she says, "Where you taking me?" and he says, " to The Gas Station."

I don't even know where I heard this today but I did somewhere. You know, I probably wasn't even paying attention and was concentrating on something else and the funny part is, I can't remember what that was either but i can remember the thing I wasn't paying attention to) And here I am thinking about it now. All this sorta strange madness loosely amuses me somewhat.

I also thought about that disease where you can just fall asleep spontaneously at any point in the day without any notice. I watched a documentary about it once before on tv but thought about it today when seeing people cross the road a busy high street crossing. If that happened just before you crossed, you're done for and I wonder who fault it is and how unfair life is if that happened? Yes, my thoughts wonder off alone unaccompanied at times…

brI had a 96% sleep lat night, around 7 hours and 43 minutes. Thats real good and I'm going to try that again tonight. I got to run tomorrow .I got to sleep. And it's still raining outside...

Fancy footwork

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Tue, 07 May 2013 23:58:34 +0000

I got an Achilles twitch in my right ankle. I think it's because I was not concentrating on my last run. I think it's because I was not concentrating on my last run. You can't just throw your legs in front of you and land on them. Er, well you can, but it's not good because you tend to not care about how you landed and will not be able to recover from bad footing in uneven surfaces and thus you'll be prone to injury like mine. And besides its careless. So I'm kinda irritated with this because I know that should not run tonight. I want to run tonight. We'll see.I didn't run that night, figured that I should let it rest. Good thing I did because over the bank holiday weekend I did two more 6.7km runs and although I felt perhaps a hint of a twitch, it was all good by the time I went running. Both good runs as far as I'm concerned: sub 5mins per Km.

Last week I created a cool programming mechanism/solution which did the job it was designed to do. Then I tried to use and extend it beyond what it was meant for to no avail. Basically I wasted 3 days trying that. Today I'm -3 days in but have some idea on how I'm going to do it but will need some speed and fancy footwork. Space to think, is for me, as being productive straight away. Especially when I got a problem like this. Like in layout, they say negative space is essential design principle. I guess it's the same for me. Unless I'm just slow. Quite possible.

Good weekend though. Made some real headway into one of my projects. Was supposed to study but I didn't feel like it, the thing I'm studying is useless - I'm toying with the idea of dropping it so I can replace it but I've just got in too far really to do that. Argh.

Been great sunshine this weekend. Tried to find some laptop memory for my old but trusty HP Compaq NC6320 but to no avail, I even tried the next town...no I don't think I even need it. Sunday I went for a walk around the common, enjoyed watching this black golden retriever repeatedly fetch a tennis ball thrown into the pond. Can a golden retriever be black? Huh dunno. It was a like seeing a picture if a holiday resort, everyone was out, basking in all their splendour. Colours all over all which way you look. Basking girls in the sun are pretty sexy. You need a certain almost blind confidence to make it through days like that.

Note to myself: I need a cross over cable because deploying java apps onto my app server is terribly slow over wifi. End note to myself.

I also went to watch Iron Man 3 which having been told was not really that good, was absolutely brilliant and I enjoyed it very much. So much for trusting the advice of others, you got to love your own life, it's like I told my dad, trust no one. That's from the X files TV series now come to think about it. I had breakfast at 4am, that's when I woke. It was an uncomfortably warm night. I got up a few times, I don't think I could make it on the coast without a lot of training. I had a colder shower than usual which was nice. I checked some code in; put some veg(I know in the morning right after cereal) in the steamer and eat that later on. I know I've not had a great deal of veg lately so felt the need to do it today, now. Packed my jacket into my rucksack, got a bottle of water, wedged that into the side pocket and I'm off.

I'm on the tube, pulling into Oval tube station now. We've been traveling for about 15 minutes. Half way. Got my iPod in, it's going to be a good day!

To speak freely

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 16:09:53 +0000

Its been an unforgettable weekend. I say this because I forget what i did. I worked late on Friday. I dunno what it is about Friday evenings but it has this appeal for me - I tend to really relax. It might be because the weekend is looming and I know it. I'm there in the office all by myself, writing code, with the space all to myself (and I only stay late on fridays, now to think about it). I can hear the pub downstairs, the restaurants and the guests all busily enjoying their evenings and thats when I realise that so am I or do will I, but in a different way, kinda Zen, isn't it? I tend to enjoy this last hour on a Fridays before my ran back home the most. I guess its because no ones there and everything i want to do from that point on will be entirely mine…and my the silence, I guess my psyche recognizes that.This is how my weekend starts and I love it. Then I get ready for my run home...

When I did get out of the office, the whispers of the corridors welcomed me, i hear only my footsteps. That's a good thing because if I heard anyone else's that'd spook me out! I found that I left my heart rate monitor chest-strap on the table in the living room at home, because It wasn't in my backpack when I looked for it Doh!.I must have forgotten to pack it. When I did get home, it was staring at me... Anyway, So I couldn't track my heart. I figured that that was OK - its not that important. It wasn't. I ran really well, I listened to my body and paced it all the way though to Waterloo. br/I passed a cello player under a bridge who had some people watching him, a guitarist on South bank(who also had some admirers), a beggar and his dog(his only admirer) and many people walking by night, mostly lovers - The Thames at night does have an allure. The mighty Thames on my right watched me as I ran though the streets and I felt all that was the evening around me-my evening. I was free, similar to the last hours, only this was dynamic, like flying, my eyes seeing colours, lights, people, buildings, trees- my legs became numb and ran and ran and ran and I looked at everything. It was a good run. I ran well. I decided to put on my running shorts that night and not my running longs. Its slightly warmer now in the evening, not that its any lighter at 10pm(Friday) at night when I run but It feels different running in shorts, sort of lighter more, airy. My GPS registered a 6.7 Km run. Anything over 5Km is great. 6.7 is fantastic. I even ran up to the steps, right past the London Eye, where I normally end.

I went to the Gym on Saturday, Did my regular 30 mins. That is, 1000 meters on the rowing machine, 3 sets of 15 biceps/back pull downs, 3 sets of 15 chest flys, 3x15 wood chops and I got about 3x30 sits up in but was really cramping around 80 reps - got to not use back but only abs in this exercise. I had a shower and dinner at the Gym, Strawberry protein Shake, which I've come to really like - even when I don't need it(and I don't need it). Went home, watched a movie. It was called The Guardian and was about the US coast guard's rescue swimmers. Then I went to bed. I registered 120% sleep today, thats 9hours and 38 minutes apparently. It was a glorious today, the sun was out and I decided to wear a short sleeve t-shirt and it was really comfortable. I went for a walk. I got some mouth wash at boots. I've been looking for this particular kind that my dentist advised but couldn't find it, so I settled for the regular kind. That and a new game, "Dishonoured", which I started playing when I got home. I relaxed mostly. Thats what weekends are for anyway, right?

I was just thinking, wouldn't it be terrible if we all died in the tube, say if the tunnel collapsed! I wonder if that's ever happened? We must be like 10 meters underground...we'd have no chance. I didn't have breakfast this morning. That's not good. I did have two slices if Rye bread before heading out. Suppose that's something, right. Apparently because it starts of the body's metabolism, it's most possibly the most important meal if the day. Drat. I'll have to buy breakfast when I get to Liverpool street, maybe a tuna-melt- I like those in the morning. Another thing I was thinking: I wish I had my own swimming pool, one that I didn't have to share and I could swim proper lengths in. That'll also help my acquisition of this special swim watch I've had my eye on but cannot justify unless I find a pool that I can use everyday without interruption. I like that watch. I need a pool. Or maybe I just don't need the watch. No, I need the pool...

I have another question. Do you give your seat to children? Why? They can stand, can't they? Interesting.

I think today's gonna be a good day. br/br/That was a good day and that was yesterday. Yesterday was also notable for one other thing. I ran all the way to Waterloo only to find I was missing my wallet. I walked back the entire journey only to find it on my table in the office after my journey. What relief!

Woke up this morning to hear about a bombing in Boston, at a marathon no less. Holy moley wonder how many runners that will deter from running such marathons. I imagination takes off...I can picture some sort of pre-apocalyptic society where fanatic factions are against one another and just blowing each other up, at public gatherings, like marathons, galleries, concerts etc. and it spirals into full blown war. In all seriousness, lets hope that never happens...that a real downer, isn't it?

Dunno, man.

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 13:29:27 +0000

I started running again. It was a hard run. Still over 6 and a half k's or so. It was hard and I think its down to the 4weeks I've been out. Yesterday I decided to goto gym at 8pm and did some weights. I forgot to start my start stop watch but doesn't really matter. I think once you get past proving to yourself you can do something, and you get over recording it - you've got nothing to prove anymore, i think thats a positive thing. Still, kinda irritated that I watched my heart rate the whole time and it wasn't even recording it. Watched a film called Lockout and Wall-e. Two films I liked. I'm drinking way to much coffee when I go out. I had like 4 cups when going into the City. Its funny how you do stupid stuff like that. I bought a slim-fit polo shirt which is pretty cool - the price was pretty un-cool but hey its easter I figured. Trying to concentrate on my stuff has been really hard - the distractions are just too great sometimes. I can goto the gym, go to London etc.. everything except some of the things I'd like to do. but then again, if i don't find time to do them, are they really what I want to do? Bit of psychology there. There was this really strange theme from Wall-e I noticed and it all related to a phrase that was not mentioned but was mentioned elsewhere, "do robots fall in love?". I swear I heard that somewhere before, but in any case, thats what happens in Wall-e which is kinda cute. I was thinking about writing again but again I'm not sure. Its just not right time, I could write while I'm traveling, when I go traveling next year. I guess I could do that, couldn't I? Maybe i should just start writing something and figure it all out as i go, it will be my first crack at writing a story and I'm not a fan of trying to be perfect anyway(story of my life, right? I went to the cinema too, saw Trance which I enjoyed. I figured,sillily(is that even a word?), that I have only have 54 years left to live and that in 2066 I will likely die(yeah, i know that sounds weird and a bit morbid). Its a strange feeling knowing that, kinda makes you appreciate each day, doesn't it? I'll be 80 years old.. Anyway I got 54 years to figure that out. Now, I need a soda and a long walk. One of the things that sometimes trips me up is how wonderful life is, I mean sometimes I get down and out and I'm thinking about the electricity bill or say the things I overheard or something. It just takes a few worthwhile moments to realize that every second of every day of every year is there for you and you're there for it - like a partnership. I kind of think at times that we just take from life, each day and use it, life a tool and I wonder if someone ever notices that? Here's a very silly thought: Perhaps we owe life more than we take from it, perhaps we should be mindful that its there not only for the taking, but for the giving. Is it watching us? What we do, how we do it? Probably not, that would be silly! How though would one pay back life? Perhaps we owe life, enough to pay it back, by doing something great, by being happy, by understanding it, appreciating it. Maybe that payback is just realisation and happiness. I can't imagine one might ever know what is truly what one could do for life, but perhaps being more, seeing life this way, might be it? i dunno but i'd like to see... Started some new project at work, feelin' real good about this. Recently came up with 2 solutions while sleeping which is interesting. I must sleep better. I got an activity band which helps me track my sleep which is useful. Hopefully I can be a little more insightful about my efforts moving forward.... dunno, man

Noticing it fall

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Sun, 24 Mar 2013 23:39:04 +0000

I woke up this morning at 9:30. I wear this plain white v-neck shirt usually when i go to bed, and i noticed myself in the mirror with a stripped blue and white trouser - Its real comfy and keeps me warm. I had breakfast, oat clusters with milk. It's Sunday today.

It's snowed yesterday.

I remember sitting and noticing it falling. Its actually interesting - I have the entire scene, this seemingly unimportant snippet of the day is photographed in my mind - I can see it now. The thing about snow is that snow means different things to people, I guess, like its really cold or the traffic will be tricky or the trains will be delayed or it's too cold to go out or something like that. But for me - I just watched it for a while, I like to think that something noticed is something way different to what it might obviously mean.

You notice beauty, missing buttons, rooms without clocks, watches on right handed wrists, happiness eyes, the weight of the coffee cup in your hand, the cold sore on a woman's lips, the lies you're told, it all means something more special because they're noticed. But that's just me.We had a half day at work on Friday because we celebrated our next version of the product. Sometimes I wonder why I became a computer programmer and will it be something I'll do forever, is there more in life? They did some karaoke, I didn't sing but I watched and listened. I didn't want to, so I didn't. I did it before.

The previous night I was out celebrating too. I remember posing with a beer in my hand, among a crowd of people and glittering lights and tinkling glasses. I didn't talk to everyone I wanted to and when it didn't look like I was going to, I decided to go. I left into a bustling live-grey-london night sky and headed back home. I had a sandwich at Liverpool street station - it's always a good idea to eat something after a few beers. It was a club sandwich(tomato, chicken and bacon etc.)

I walked pass a homeless man selling the big issue mag near Moorgate station and backed up and bought it. I took out £2 but it was £2,50 and I payed him £3 instead. I read it all the way home on the tube. Quite interesting at times. I still have it.

Watched Solaris tonight.

I found out that some migrating birds sleep while they're flying. I can't do that at work.

Yeah you know

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 23:34:32 +0000

I was thinking about this story about a guy who while walking home one evening from work, gets lost in a forest. The more he tries to find his way out the more lost he becomes. As he is negotiating his way trying to find a way out, he starts thinking about his life. That's pretty much as far as I got as far as a plot is concerned. I don't know if that is even a plot. I was thinking about a twist to the story but I can't think of a good one. Maybe he draws parallels between being lost physically and psychologically, but I'm not sure about it. So I wrote that down at least, it's on my computer, waiting for me. I'm sure there is more to it than that.

I think I want to move in 6 months time, because that's when my break out clause kicks in and that said, I don't think I'll ever have a 18 month break clause in my contract or a private landlord.

Watched a cool film two nights back, The Island. It was about cloning humans for organ harvesting, which is kinda yuk(but cool, of course) but it was futuristic and clean and I like that. Went to Selfridges this weekend to see if I could get my hands on a Jawbone Up band. I couldn't. Just going to have to be patient and wait. I'm in my third week of not running and it's ok but.

I rearranged all the furniture in my flat the other day, I feel better for it. You know, I wonder if everyone is really happy or not, especially people in relationships. I have this strange feeling that people aren't really as happy a they pretend to be, and sometimes peoples' lives seem to me like a process that they are 'roped' into dealing with but don't really feel it. It stems from the fact that I don't think anyone really trusts anyone really. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I don't mind or really care but I'm sorta curious but sometimes your gut feeling has got something going on, kinda like a mad scientist who knows something but can't prove it. Or I'm just mad. Entirely possible and plausible.

Mind the gap.

Diamond hub-capped halo

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 21:07:49 +0000

So, I narrowly and very cunningly avoided the full impact of the flu I caught recently.

You know I was just wondering(while sitting here on the tube), at what point do you realise that you've lived too far and it's been too long? Is it on the way to work? On the tube? One Saturday morning as the sun streams through onto your half-open eyes? Does it perhaps happen to you when you're standing at the bus stop or buying groceries? I don't know but I know one thing for sure, if that happens, I'll truly dread that day.

Beside that last earth shattering thought, I did get my passport back from the the government and now I'm considered to be officially "settled" in the UK - yeah, that took its sweet, sweet time...

Yesterday I bought a streamer for £21 and took it home and put some veg in it and let it do its thing. On the other side, the veg came out pretty well and that there folks is the story how I got my vegetables in my diet...but if that steamer even looks at me funny or burns me, it's out on its ace - it surely knows how I feel about owning appliances.

An interesting vegetable, now that I'm talking about vegetables is the Parsnip, now to come and think about it...You know, I had never eaten parsnip before growing up as a child. It's a nice vegetable. We've grown closer since I bought that steamer yesterday and had 2 for dinner. It's a good vegetable. A very good vegetable. I give it 6 stars.

/In other news, I got the flu again this weekend(after avoiding the first one!)and felt rather unusual. You know it coincides once again with walking cold home. I need to be more careful so I'm going to not do that anymore. Sometime ago I heard that being cold doesn't actually make you sick(duh?), but makes you susceptible to getting sick. Perhaps that's down to lowering the natural temperature where the immune system functions best at? I'm also going to lay off running for 2 weeks and take a holiday. That sounds good right? I need it.

I got this Wierd situation at home where I'm having to chase the land lord to pay the electricity bill which is way, way Wierd. The dudes going to call me soon hopefully so i can forget about it.

Started planning features for next release, been involved in what our Chicago based Architect calls "ideating" , which we found was a newly constructed Americanism. Enjoying it. Had two really silly good laughs today. felt great. Sat on the tube going home smiling and giggling which must have seemed Wierd because everyone knows the rule right? Don't show emotion on the tube just in case the police see you and take you out. Am I kidding? Well yeah. Got this new playlist that I've been listening to and it's got all these foreign pop-rock songs on it which are pleasing as mush as they are confusing. Its my traveling playlist.

Someone said to me the other day, while sitting opposite me and having a conversation, "Dude, you're getting skinny" and I kinda thought that was a weird thought...what does one do when you get skinny, eat I guess. Maybe I should start eating again? It feels like just the other day someone said to me "you bulking up or something?". You cant win. Been taking my iPad into the office lately as I'm taking a break from running - the former is a cool thing: using your ipad to do work-work(not just browsing the web)...

I guess I should explain why the title is called "Diamond hub-capped halo", right? Well, in truth I dont have a good reason. I heard it in a song and well, I thought, "did he say diamond hub-capped halo?". He did and i dont know why he did and I suspect he also doesnt have a good reason either. Probabaly for a similar reason to mine. He heard if off a passing lorry with people shouting on the back and he thought, "Did that guy say Diamond hub-capped halo?" and so thats why we dont have a good reason for the title of this blog post.

Sorry.

Learning without instructions.

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 07:37:18 +0000

This weekend I bought Windows 8 from the computer shop on The Broadway, Wimbledon. Took it home, stuck it on my laptop and well, it's mine now. Even though I've had it for some time at the office(and hated it), now that I have paid for it, I'm rather drawn to it and liking it... I went to watch Wreck-it Ralph. That was a good film, I laughed a lot. Probably the best film of 2013 for me so far, and I'm not going to watch Django or Lincoln. Still, love growing up in my 20's...much more fun than growing up for real. It's snowing this morning. I like the snow but I don't like the snow-that way I can be neutral about the fact I realised as I saw it walking out the door this morning: I can't run home tonight. Watched a very interesting channel surfing mistake last night. It was a film on J Edgar Hoover, the first Director of the FBI and the longest standing Director ever:48 years. You see now that's pretty interesting - well to me. The guy died while still being employee as Director, that's a long career.

I was thinking the other day why they don't have clocks in the London Underground tubes. My friend says that in Japan, when he was there, they have clocks in their underground trains. I need to think more about that. Still haven't got my passport. Missed my cousin's wedding because of it but that's ok because she knows I love her to bits. I had a grilled chicken breast, sweet potato and those new green beans, engame I think, for dinner last night at the gym. Ive become to especially like that dish. That was after my gym session. Thinking of grilling my own chicken...at home, save some money - that sorta thing. I figure that working in a restaurant must mean that you know diffirent techniques to cook good food real quick. Maybe i should take a look into this. They bring out a grilled chicken breast and cooked sweet potato in sub hour time, something I haven't been able to do. Work has been hard. I was down in my neighbours flat last night trying to figure out how the boiler/thermostat works and figured that I really like trying to understand things that aren't evidently understandable, like trying to learn everything without instructions. I looked at my email on my phone sometime last night and saw my tutor marker my latest assignment and I was pretty glad that I had a Windows 8 machine because now I can use it for assignments as well. I calculated that if I wanted to visit 14 countries, it could take about 12 months and it might cost around £20,000 which is crazy speak but it's a figure. But I came up with these numbers over a lunch break loosely talking to someone plus I don't have a passport right now.

My run last night was good, very cold. You know, I don't know if I can actually run any further than 7km because as soon as I walk up those stairs going up to Waterloo railway station, I'm proper out. Sometimes I wonder if I knew that I had to run 10km each time, you know psychologically, how I'd feel at the 7km mark. I figure I'd be ok. I had sushi yesterday for lunch and it was pretty great, that's because I haven't really had a real sushi meal since moving a year ago. I user to order out sushi all the time, it's the healthiest fast food I can think of, isn't it? Still drinking a suspicious amounts of coffee and I can hear a echo in my mind saying that that's not moderation. Did I substitute beer for coffee? I think I did.

As I walked with a crowd of people across the road outside Liverpool street station I remembered its Valentines day soon. I sorta like Valentines day. I get to see people show off...maybe that's weird but I like seeing how people get their kicks from it - I don't get it but I like it. That's in 3 days time. Actually, it's almost, now that I think about it, a very stressful time for many people, maybe its that I actually like seeing that! A deranged but amusing thought... Had the silly thought of buying another iPad or laptop just for the office, so I don't have to carry them with me to the office - you see, that's just plain lazy right there but it would be supremely convenient - 1st world problems, huh?

The more I think about it, the more life and everything worthwhile seems like I'm learning it without instructions...but it's ok, I like trying it out.

I should have eaten breakfast this morning

Invariance and relative strangers

stuart@stuartmathews.com (Stuart Mathews) — Thu, 31 Jan 2013 08:00:55 +0000

So let me tell you real quick about invariance: You do something, then you go back to how you were after you do that work. That's invariance, well according to my recent reading on building software. Its an abstract idea. The thing about invariance is that the underlying principle to it is that you always return to the state you were in before. I like that, it's silly but I kinda think that how honesty works - you should revert to how you are. I know it's vague but there you go.

I ran into the old woman who used to be my neighbour in my previous residence this morning. I saw her and I stopped and said hello on my way to the local tube station. Sometimes we forget to be human, especially when enveloped by the business of everything around me. You need to say hi how you doing, have a nice day - that sort of thing once in a while to relative strangers. I like that. I started running last night. I had been on a hiatus for about a week more than I expected. The snow added an extra week to my running rest week so it's great to be back. The nice thing about running is that it's also very personal(well primarily), and you can't escape your body, you're with it the whole time, and you become to be friends with it and understand it, endue pain with and use it to see things: running is really great. Plus, seeing London at night in the lights is as always, lovely. I took a week off, a weeks ago and rested - I've been playing around with more projects that I've started, been enjoying these, adding the code to my portfolio as I go. Been writing up some project ideas and saving them and then coming back to them intermittently. Like the guy at work said, It's all about going through the creative constructive and reasoning process when realising an idea and finding familiar things. My birthday was a few days ago, I bought myself a haircut and went for a walk into town. 26 years, that's really a long time. Been watched the entire Blade trilogy on TV after work - it's a pretty great cool action sci-fi series. I have them on DVD. The thing about my DVD selection in my draw next to the TV, is that I buy DVDs only that I know I like to watch more than one or twice - that way when I open up the draw, I'm pretty impressed with what I got to watch. Simple really but I'm trying to limit my physical items so buying online and storing on hard drive is the way I'd like to move. You know, I'm really enjoying my flat recently, or im just reminding myself recently how nice the space feels. Cleaned my flat last week and it's been as if I've been living somewhere else for the past few weeks! While I was off, I thought it would be good to manage my space better in my room. I went to Argos and bought and assembled a storage unit with shelves and hanging space. I had to reassemble it twice at various stages during construction because I wasn't paying attention.

It looks real good now and works great: I have more space. I also bought a hanging rack which is on wheels so I roll my jackets and suits around the flat easy to where its most convenient and that's also good. I was thinking about people the other day, while crossing the road, how everyone really must live their own lives, by their own goals and wishes but sometimes I think people don't, they never go and get these goals and they rely on people around them to feel ok. They get caught up with other things. My passport is still with the government and I will not be able to fly to South Africa. It's really cold during my lunch breaks and I find myself drinking more hot drinks, coffees especially without sugar. Handed in my next assignment 2 days ago, it took me the whole weekend to do. I'm glad I started well before because I can't wing it anymore with these assignments - they are just too long and there is just too much study material to go through. It's time consuming but it's very useful because I like to learn. I have a respite now, of perhaps another few weeks before needing to do it again. But It's ok, I've learnt about some pretty interesting things: invariance, binary search trees, sets, sequences, forms of data : quite abstract concepts but abstract understanding is the foundation I feel to forming concrete implementations. But whatever, right?

I think London has made a harder person than I ever was before. For instance, less things bother me than they used to: I don't mind if someone gets angry, not specifically at me but just generally - I'm less sensitive, some might say that it's a good thing. Usually I would get sorta uptight or uncomfortable with the distress of someone. That's less of the case I think now or maybe I'm more aware of what distress is worth worrying about and what isn't and perhaps this is good? I kinda worry that I'm not becoming numb to it or loosing my sense of caring but I don't think so, I'm more aware now.Like if someone is frustrated and it's evident but i know he/she is silly, I'm more able to let someone else 'deal' with it. Also, I'm not as worried about other stuff too as i used to be. There is no doubt I'm stronger, less afraid and more confident. I might just be more different in this way than before. I worry about different things now but thats ok. The thing is, there are so many people and attitudes in London, you can't facilitate everyone all the time or I think you'll pop. It's like in that song/article, "wear sunscreen" where it says you should live in New York once but leave before it makes you hard and live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. That's kinda how I see London, a learning process. You can be gracefully friendly, self accommodating and never rude. Beyond that, life is yours - let everyone who's an adult deal with theirs.

Before I had my haircut I had some fun styling my longer hair and putting it backwards, using Gel and it was, erm, well diffirent: I looked like a little gangster or a little banker. I saw this guy on the train, he was a geared up cyclist and I'm thinking maybe I should ride. Dunno about that, never really considered it until now, for some odd reason. I guess I think that cycling allows you to bypass trains: I still catch the train from Waterloo to Wimbledon after my run. And also, it maybe that what's most appealing is that the entire journey is by yourself - you're in touch with your journey, in the drivers seat. That's appealing.

The thing is, don't expect anyone to help you get there, you get there yourself. That's true about running too. That's true for everything I think.