THESTYLESLUT.COM || WHERE HIP-HOP LIVES

Happy Belated Birthday, Jesus Christ!

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 12:42:00 +0000

Hey guys, did you have a good Christmas? Hopefully you managed to think about more than just stuffing your face with lots of food or moaning about what Santa didn’t bring you, because obviously Christmas is about more than that. It’s a time for family, love and faith. Faith in ‘the real’. So ditch the fakes and frauds and align yourself with something real. Trust us, it will change your life.

EX-OH

Pic via W&M

Donald’s World of Crunk: 5 pop songs that radio has forced me to like

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 14:09:00 +0000

Sometimes I look at music blogs and my head starts to hurt. Why does everything have to be so complex? I don’t need multi-layered beats, intricate lyricism or an abstract band-name derived from an ancient Malayan war-chant to get excited about music. Sometimes I like to flick on Capital FM (or any other commercial radio station), fire up a mug of hot tea and ‘get real’.

Who wrote this hook, was it Will I Am? The guy’s a fucking genius. It’s not that they’re saying anything particularly special, but the melody runs around my brain and slowly massages the part which makes my penis hard. Ok, maybe Will I Am’s not a genius – I mean, look at the guy’s hair - but he’s definitely a little bit smart.

Every part of my intelligent body should hate this song. It’s predictable, factory-line post-pain n’ b. So why do I sing every word line for line whenever it comes on the radio? Who the fuck is this dude, anyways? He’s got 16 million hits on you-tube and I don’t even know who the hell he is. Maybe he sold his soul to the Devil for music sales, like Jay-Z and Rihanna.

This sounds like it was specifically made for 13 year old girls. I wonder if that’s what Lil Wayne was thinking when he put together his little kindergarten-tang clan of ‘wappers’? I guess 13 year old girls are the only ones who are stupid enough to force their Dad’s to buy them CD’s. There’s a Flintstones reference in there, too. Do you remember that show? Wilma was a hottie. I’ve always had a thing for redheads.

She’s so zany and SO wild! I just want to be her friend! She washes her mouth out with alcohol, name-checks P Diddy and Mick Jagger (??) and is just generally KoOl. Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve actually realised how much I hate her and this stupid shitty hipster-club-kid-pop song. Fuck you, Kesha. Fuck you to hell!

This is the ultimate ‘shower song’. When this comes on, my bathtub turns into a catwalk and I start pumping my fist like I’m at Million Man March for fashionista’s. Don’t look at me with your judging eyes; I’m sure you do it too. Oh and before you have a chance to say that sounds a little gay, here’s a picture of Wilma looking hot to verify my manhood ( I found it all by myself on google images).

Words: Donald Crunk

Puala Pashmina: My 13 favourite quotes from this morning’s episode of 90210

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 14:49:00 +0000

Ever since I saw the trailer for the new 90210 series which promised ‘cooler, sexier and more provocative’ storylines, I knew this show was something that I had to be a part of. And if you hadn’t already noticed, the crazy psycho blog/vlogger Erin Silver is actually based on me. Yup, 90210 has totally stolen my life and placed it in sunny Beverley Hills, where the kids are tanned and generally quite manic-depressive. Here are my favourite quotes from today’s re-run Life's a Drag.

“You wanna have sex HERE?!”

‘’You’re so cute when you're nervous’’

‘’There are no small plays, only small actors’’

‘’What’s wrong with the coffee maker?’’

‘’Can we just start over?’’

‘’I would love to hear you take a whack at obtuse angles’’

‘’Have you tried plugging it in’’

‘’He thought he saw a baby alien and it turned out to be a squirrel’’

“This purse happens to be worth more than your car’’

‘’You hid a camera and filmed us having sex…you have no boundaries!”

‘’You said you like movies better than blogs…this was all a set up!’’

‘’What kind of teacher are you?!’

‘’I want…you…to fix…ALL OF THIS!!’’

Words: Paula P

Cath's Photos from Russia

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:52:00 +0000

This is our friend Cath. She’s a photographer. We asked her to take some photos for us and she kindly obliged. Here are some shots from her recent trip to Russia.

All photos by Catharina Gerritsen

Awesome stuuf (7)

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 13:50:00 +0000

Donald Crunk's World of Crunk: 5 reasons why you shouldn't get into a fight

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:36:00 +0000

You’ll probably wanna punch me right in my stupid ‘hipster-blogger’ face for saying this, but I think that Steven Seagal is one of the world’s greatest action heroes. Chiselled features? Check. Witty one-liners? Check. A way with the ladies? C.H-E-C-K! But most importantly, Seggars has skilfully mastered the fine art of beating people up. There’s nothing more satisfying than overpowering another male with your fists and/or feet.

Think about it: humans started off as cavemen in Africa. When we weren’t beating the shit out of animals to put food on our hut-tables, we were beating the shit out of other cavemen to impress cave-chicks. Which sounds great, in practice. I mean, I’d love to be ‘that guy’. Only problem is, I can’t fight for shit. The last time I got into a fist-fight, I woke up in a hospital. My girlfriend was standing over me and she was looking at me like I was the complete opposite of the Alpha-male that women want to give blow-jobs and tell all their friends about. Yep, I’d become an Alpha-pussy. I’m never gonna fight again. That way, I can never lose. Here’s five reasons why you should never get into a fight.

You might lose. No brainer, right? I suppose you could do that thing were you pick on people who are weaker than you, but sometimes looks can be deceiving. You may pick a fight with a dude who looks like Urkel, but really fights like one of those nerdy-dude’s in the kung-fu movies who sneakily kicks everyone’s ass. This is called the ‘Trojan Horse’.

You might go to Jail. My only experience with prison has been that tv show ‘OZ’ and an old Ice Cube video. I remember there was this big burly black dude in ‘OZ’ that was also homo-sexual. He used to violently rape other men. This is my worst nightmare. Not because he’s black (I’m not gonna go into the stereotypes, but a big STI-laced penis? Ouch), but I’m just not into guys like that.

Your face might get all fucked up. I like my face. Is that gay? I don’t want it to get messed up. I’m not one of those guys who looks cute with scars and broken noses. Plus my skin takes a while to heal. I’m weighing this up in my head and I think my looks are way more important than my pride.

You might win. Don’t look confused, winning is almost as bad as losing. If you win, I guarantee some dude (let’s call him a ‘tough-guy’ for reference purposes) will hear that you defeated someone and will automatically want to kick your ass to prove his 'gangsta'. ‘Tough-guys’ are the worst people in the world to get into fights with. Not only do they fight dirty, but if you manage to fuck them up, they won’t rest until they get one over on you. They live by their rep. Life is like one big game of Street Fighter 4 to them. And they’ve got unlimited continues.

You might die. I heard about a guy who died from one blow straight to the head. Really, was it all worth it, dude? You could have easily avoided that by just pretending you didn’t see him pinch your girl’s ass. If you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. Now you’re in heaven, looking down while some guy eats out your girl’s pussy and she tells him that her dead boyf has a small dick. Sorry, had. You’re dead now, so everything’s in past tense. Lame!

An edited version of this orginally appeared on Street Carnage

Words: Donald Crunk

Paula Pashmina: My life must improve before I die

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 00:08:00 +0000

I think my life is going down the drain. Everything’s gone brown and smelly like a fat guy’s big piece of fat steaming poo. My mum looked at me the other day and told me I looked like shit. She asked me what I’d ‘been eating ‘and why I was ‘dressed like that’. Thanks for the pep talk, mum. Is it normal for someone in their mid-20’s to feel so depressed? I don’t want to tie this to the opposite sex, but right now, boys are THE worst thing in the world. It's like they’re all broken. Why can’t I find someone with good looks and a nice personality? But fuck moaning about boys, this about ME. And me is gonna make my life AMAZING*.

*with the help of this list

1. No more Carbs. Carbs are the enemy. And nothing tastes better than being skinny.

2. Sex is evil. I just want my pussy licked. I’ve never had an orgasm through proper sex, anyhoo.

3. Stop reading fashion blogs with skinny girls who have lots of style. I. Hate. You. All.

4. Don’t date Indians. Nothing personal, but based on MY experience, I’m not the biggest fan of date-rape.

5. Read more books. The big words helps me blog better!

6. Date more 18 year olds. So young and so eager to please. LET ME MOLD U.

7. No more double-dates. Anyone up for uncomfortable silences and forced laughter x 4?

8. Don’t throw up on people who write for The Guardian in Jaguar Shoes.

9. Challenge another girl to a fight because I hate her make-up and win.

10. Send some money to some poor kid in another county with no parents or hands/legs.

Words: Paula P
Pic: Ellis Scott

Awesome stuuf (6) Dana Hill

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 19:40:00 +0000

Donald Crunk's World of Crunk: 5 Movie clichés and genres I hate

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 21:24:00 +0000

Old suburban person who talks young and urban. Rule 2 of ‘screen-writing 101’ is to ‘defy traditional stereotypes’, because it provides a curveball which shocks and intrigues the viewer. And what’s more ‘stereotype defying’ than an old white guy who speaks like he grew up in Compton and uses lots of slang like 'dawg' and 'hoes'? I always cringe when I see these characters in movies, because it’s really not funny. Just dumb and lazy.

Smart white person upgrades underprivileged minorities. I’m black. I went to school and got good grades. After that, I went to University. Now I have a job. I’m sure my life would have been better if I’d have been discovered by a Caucasian Samaritan who wanted to devote his/her life to helping me become a ‘better black person’, but I think I did just fine on my own.

Attractive teenager who has no friends and can’t find a boy/girlf. School is all about two things: Being popular and not being popular. If you’re good looking, then people will naturally gravitate towards you. I call bullshit on any film that puts a smoking chick in nerdy glasses and a frumpy outfit, then paints them as the ‘class outcast’. Girls that look like that know what they’re working with as soon as grown men start hitting on them and commenting on how cute they look in their school uniforms. Nerdy glasses, or not.

Dance movies. The only people that like these kind of films are people who 'do dance'. And why are they even watching films? They should be in some class somewhere working on their stupid dance-steps. The ‘dialogue’ is always cheesy and sometimes even the dancing sucks. What's the point if they can't even get that right? And don’t get me started on the ‘inter-racial romantic sub-plots’.

Black Cinema. Guys, what happened? I spent most of my teenage life buying grainy pirated DVD’s from oriental entrepreneurs about drug dealers, family DRAMA and African- American coming of age. And they were all amazing (Or maybe I was just too young to know any better?). The last movie I watched involved Curtis Jackon and it left my soul feeling slightly raped. He didn’t even buy me dinner!

Words: Donald Crunk

Lightspeed Appreciation Year

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 00:24:00 +0000

Oh, you thought LC was played out? Nah, doggy. 2010 will be the year of 'The Champion'. This dude hasn't even peaked yet, trust us.

We love you, Dev!

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: 'Why do men get caught cheating?'

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:53:00 +0000

You know what guys are really bad at? The art of deception. We’re fucking terrible at it. Our ego’s make us think we don’t have to lie or use personality ‘smoke n mirrors’ to get our own way or pull the wool over peoples eyes. We’re like big bulls running through china-shops full of ex-girlfriends with broken hearts and sexually transmitted infections. Sure, we’ll lie up to a certain point, but do you think you actually catch us cheating by accident? Of course not. We LET you catch us.

Look at Tiger Woods. He was so deep in numerous Vagina’s, that he probably just woke up one morning and thought to himself ‘Man, this is some bullshit! I’m a man, I can do whatever the hell I want. FUNK THAT!’ So he PURPOSEFULLY left some clues around so his broad could find out. Sure, he got knocked the fuck out because of it, but I bet you he feels all the better for it. Now he doesn’t have to be all girly and deceptive about it, like some big pink ninja with a set of ovaries. He can go down to the pub with his buds, crack open a bottle of Grenache Rose and laugh about how he didn’t give a fuck about sleeping with numerous women that weren’t his wife.

Women on the other hand, are so skilled at deception that your girlfriend could secretly be a serial killer or one of those Jehovah’s Witnesses’ and you wouldn’t even have a clue. They get trained to do that stuff when they’re in high-school getting their pussy’s eaten out. I mean, you SUCK at eating pussy, but it’s your first time, what does she expect? Never the less, she’s screaming like a trooper, because you’re her man and she wants you to feel AWESOME. So what if she goes back and tells all her friends that you put her off getting her angel-lips (that's what I call it) licked for the rest of her life? She made you feel like a stud, right? That’s their jobs. Women lie to feed men’s ego’s and guy’s let stupid things slip so our girls can knock us out with a nine iron. It’s the circle of life.

Words: Donald Crunk

Paula Pashmina's style pic of the week

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 19:22:00 +0000

If you feel stupid wearing something, then you probably look stupid, too.

Pic from here

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: What white girls love about black guys

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 22:51:00 +0000

Old topic! Yeah, I know, but it’s still a doozy. And a lot of white guys still wanna know why their little white snowflakes are getting piped down by black dudes, so I'm gonna break it down for you.

Curiosity: Do you know when the world’s gonna end? How many Pringles are in those big cardboard tubes? Why Kano started making stuff like this? Nah, me neither. But I really wanna find out. Not saying it’s gonna be that satisfying when you do finally get that (big?) black dick that you've never had before, but sometimes the anticipation is better than the deed.

Hip-hop: Music and sex are best buds. If your favourite song isn’t about sex or inspired by sex in some way, then it probably sucks. When MTV finally decided to start showing rap vids, a nation of white girls were instantly de-flowered. If you check out their I-tunes playlist, there’s gonna be at least one rapper on there. And since no one listens to Eminem anymore, it's definitely gonna be a black guy. Did I mention that girls wanna fuck all the guys on their ‘Most Played’ playlists? I’m pretty sure it’s written somewhere in the I-Tunes FAQ.

Black guys are tough: Women want to feel safe. They want to be secure in the fact that their man can protect them from danger. Do you ever watch sports? What colour are most successful boxers? When you turn on the news and hear about someone committing an act of violence against another man, what colour is the culprit? Black dudes are good at fighting and if they’re not, they use weapons. That’s not racist, it’s just the truth.

Girls love to be treated like shit: Well, that’s not entirely the truth, because no woman will ever admit that. They probably complain all day long about how they hate the way they're treated by men and need to find a ‘good one’, so why do they keep ending up with dicks? It’s because they subconsciously love it. It’s exciting. Plus they think they can use their pussy-power to change the guy, which isn’t really what they want, but the thought of trying to do it is fun.

Mixed-raced babies are cute: I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than a baby with blue eyes, light brown skin and thick negro-ish hair. They truly are amazing creatures.

Words: Donald Crunk

Stuff we found on the internets

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 08:37:00 +0000

Photos by Sandy Kim via Hamburger Eyes

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: Men and women can (still) never be just friends

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 19:48:00 +0000

It just doesn’t work. Sure, it starts off fine, but after a while, silly little things like the fact that women have a vagina and men have a penis starts to get in the way. Men and women were never put on this earth to be friends. Ask God. He wants us to fuck each others brains out. And I’m not being blasphemous. Take off your pants and look between your legs. You see that little reproductive organ sitting there? That’s God’s way of saying ‘fuck friendship. Fuck it right up the ass!’ And who am I to argue with the big G man?

Another ‘silly little thing’ that obstructs boy/girl friendships is ‘emotions’. Women live by them. They use their emotions to figure out everything from ‘how much milk they need to last them through the week’ to whether or not they’re gonna let ‘Simon/Jason/Marlon ejaculate all over their tits'. Men don’t even know what to do with their emotions. Whenever they hear the word, they think it’s a new type of e-mail app for their I-phones. I can barely bring myself to type it without wincing. Yee-uck. And if by some unbelievably slim chance you actually manage to remain friends after you’ve fucked or beaten each other to a bloody pulp over her ovary-led emotions, then you’ll probably end up getting married. Yup, that’s how it happens, people. I probably should have entitled this blog ‘how to find your life partner’ or some shit, but I guess it’s too late for that now.

Look at Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal. They basically ‘dry snitched’ on this whole ‘no-friendship’ thing in ‘When Harry Met Sally’. They spent the whole movie pretending they didn’t want to fuck, but then they ended up getting married (SPOILER!). People saw that movie, then a nation of easily-influenced movie-goers, wised the fuck-up. They threw in the towel and started porking their best buds (Hey, if it’s good enough for Meg and Billy, it’s good enough for me!). Only thing is, that movie’s old. If you’re old enough to remember it, then you’re probably too old to even have friends of the opposite sex. You’re too busy trying to sneak out on Thursday nights to play pool or catch a chick-flick and avoid eating some shitty dinner with your partner and your even shittier kids. They need to make a new version with Michael Cera and that chick with the weird/cute face from ‘True Blood’. If they throw in a cool soundtrack and maybe a cameo from one of those Vampire Weekend guys or Snoop, then maybe all the 80’s babies will wise up and stop trying to fight the inevitable.

Words: Adolf Obama

Black people are fabulous

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 00:52:00 +0000

Whoever said black people were all about guns and crime and single-female parenting, was wrong!

Spotted: here

Pink Cougar Pussy

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:22:00 +0000

Roseanne Barrr give Mariah’s Touch My Body a makeover.

Spotted @ Pinglewood

Awesome stuuf (5)

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:37:00 +0000

Awesome stuuf (4)

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:22:00 +0000

10 Random thoughts about hip-hop (1)

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 21:09:00 +0000

OB4CL2 was a bit of an anticlimax. Raekwon sounded tired and bored.

DMX takes a lot of drugs.

Nicki Minaj is the best and worst female rapper, ever.

Lil Kim was only good because Biggie wrote her rhymes.

I miss Biggie.

This sounds awful.

I don’t care about Lupe’s new mixtape.

This guy is Tommy Hillfigers Son? I wonder if he's rapping so people stop thinking his dad hates blacks.

This guy , sucks.

Sometimes I like Gucci Mane, other times, not so much.

Words: Donald Crunk
Pic: waxinandmilkin

White pre-teens

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 20:00:00 +0000

I used to love this show, but didn’t want my friends to know I watched it, because it was kinda gay. What did I love about it? I really can’t remember. The song at the beginning, I guess. I just thought it was really cool. And her brother was such a dickhead. I kept watching it to see if he’d get killed off and replaced by a Goldfish or something. Now I look back, the way he acted then, is kind of how I act now.

Words: Capin Crunch

My opinion on the new Vampire Weekend video

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 00:05:00 +0000

Is this any good? I really can’t tell. The video seems like something they’d show in the 'HOT! NEW! TRACKS!' section on Sound. After the short clip finishes, Annie Mac will look at Grimmy and say something like ‘I absolutely loooove that video’, probably whilst clicking her feet together in pure musical-excitement. Then Grimmy will bark some witty little anecdote about seeing the band at a festival and one of the band members doing something ZANY like oh, I dunno, the bogle.

I had a love/hate relationship with the first VW album. Whenever I played it, my sister would ask me if I was playing ‘African music’. Then I’d be like ‘nah, it’s just vampire weekend’. I don’t think this song is anywhere as good as A Punk. Even though they were obviously trying to recreate it's visual style for the video, albeit from a slightly different angle.*

Perhaps they did this so that people would be fooled into thinking they were watching A-Punk. You know, just in case everybody thinks Cousins sucks. That way you'd go and buy their new album, just on the strength of how much you loved A-Punk. Those sneaky fucks!

*This blog is about Cousins as a single and video. I know the title mentions the video and I kinda jumped between talking about both of them, but I had some stuff I wanted to get off my chest.

Words: Donny Crunk

Hip-hop groups that should have blown up

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:54:00 +0000

Hoez With Attitude

Things we found on other peoples blogs

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 01:05:00 +0000

Found here

Inside a dude’s brain (4): Being faithful is boring

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:40:00 +0000

I was watching that movie Burn After Reading the other day and there’s a scene where George Clooney and Tilda Swinton are lying in bed together. They’d been sleeping with each other for a while and were both cheating on their respective partners. The chick looked at George and said something like ‘the fun and frivolity is over, it’s time to get serious’. She wanted to leave her husband and you know, ‘get serious’ with George. He just lay there looking at the ceiling with this ‘oh crap’ look on his face. That feeling he had is basically how all guys feel when girls we’re dating (ie fucking) want to ‘get serious’. Who wants to stop having ‘fun and frivolity’? That shit’s just too good to stop!

Ladies, we love you, but we love our freedom more. It’s kinda like eating cereal. I mean, I love Cheerios. I damn near eat that shit everyday. Well, I used to. Eventually, I got bored. I needed something fresh. That’s what happens when we fuck the same girl. We get tired of pouring our milk on your cheerio’s. Today I may feel like eating Coco Pops or maybe even Frosted Shreddies. Don’t take it personal girls, it's just the way we roll.

Previously: Inside a Dude's Brain 1-3

Words: Mike Ock