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Another blog about a crush

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 00:01:00 +0000

I’ve had something I’ve wanted to get off my dick for a while. You know that rapper Nicki Minaj? Well, I really wanna bone that. She’s such a sexually-charged pot of sizzling chocolate-lust. I’ve got a humongous crush on her.

I know we talk about crushes on this site a lot, which is a great, because sexual frustration and infatuation directed at people who are out of reach makes the world go round. It truly does. If we stopped fancying pop stars, porn stars and people from TV shows, the world would stop spinning and the sun would blow up. You’d go to the bank tomorrow and they’d be like ‘sorry, we’ve got no money. It’s run out!’ Everything would be topsy turvey.

The best part about Nicki is that whole 'black Barbie/Valley girl from the hood' thing she's got going on. Oh and did I mention that her thighs and ass are GINORMOUS? I can imagine sleeping on them and being transported to a world where racism no longer exists, you get 12 birthday’s a year and Pop Tarts are still the de rigueur breakfast choice. I guess her rapping is strangely alluring, too. Not that I care about that stuff. I’m more concerned with why some jellz hataz made a You-Tube vid full of hatin-ass liez. Butt Pads? My Nicki?? No fuckin way. I call shenanigans!

Words: Donald Crunk

Paula Pashmina’s Style Pic and Crush of the Week (2)

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 19:22:00 +0000

People always ask me ‘hey, Paula, what’s a hot look for S/S 2010?’ - and you know what I say in reply? I point to that dude up there and say ‘this’! From the hat to the blazer to the bow-tie, this guy is ‘on trend’, ‘hot in the streets’ and ‘fierce’! He’s like a big steaming plate of nonchalant attitude. And if you're not clued up on high-fashion lingo, that’s when you look like you don’t care, but your outfit speaks volumes. If I wasn’t already taken, I’d be hitting up all the clubs where people who dress like him go to party, so I can find him, make him put a ring on it and hopefully persaude him to finger-fuck me to eternal happiness.

Note: You need to stock up on your 'whimsical smiles' and 'lazily raised eyebrows' to pull this look off coherently.

If you’d like to be featured in a future PPSPACOTW, then send a pic of your sexy self in your sexy outfit to ‘paula@thestyleslut.com’.

Previously: Part 1

Words: Paula P
Pic: Ellis Scott

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: Ways to stop yourself from falling asleep at work

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 22:05:00 +0000

Doesn’t work suck? Your day drags on and on and on and it feels like you’re there for a fucking eternity. It’s like listening to some shitty Killers album on repeat (Sorry bro, but this album and that album,are both shit). Unless you’ve got a really cool job like an ‘ass inspector’ who goes around testing the thickness of girls butts or something. I was really bored the other day, so I thought of some cool ways to help those boring days zoom by. So now you can say ‘bye bye to boredom’. Sweet!

Check out party pic blogs to see what’s going on in the London party scene and party scenes all across the globe

Can you think of anything worse than sipping on a cup of overpriced coffee, looking at boring files and sitting next to Bill? Bill’s an asshole. He cheats on his girlfriend and wishes he was in a band. He has no talent and goes on about how much coke he takes. What a fucking moron! I wish Bill would just curl up and die. You know what isn’t moronic? Partying! I don’t think there are any parties happening at 12:02 in the afternoon near my office, but I’m sure if I look at enough pictures of other people partying, I’ll start to taste the beer literally dripping drown my throat. Sorry Bill, I left your invite in the trash. Asshole!

Look at people’s blogs for names of new bands to name-drop

The So So Glos - "My Block" from Matt Greeley on Vimeo.

I’m so over (Insert name of previously hyped band here)! They’re not as good as they used to be before they were signed/released any records/took press shots/had their first gig. Have you heard of The So So Glos? That’s my shit!

Go to the toilet and masturbate

Pretty self-explanatory, dontchya think?

Write a 12 month plan about 6 ways to go about improving your life

If you hate your life, then why don’t you do something about it? Write down all things you hate about your life, then figure out ways to turn all those little (or big, as the case may be) frowns, upside down. Make sure your goals are attainable though, otherwise you’re gonna be sitting at your desk slowly turning into a big ball of insecure depression and nobody wants to see that, ya big pussy.

E-mail your ex partner

Hey, how are you? I haven’t spoken to you in a while, but you’ve been on my mind lately and I wanted to see how you were. Are you still working at (…..)? Is life treating you well? I sure hope so. I really miss our conversations and all the fun things we used to do together. Anyways, I’m not really sure how to put this, but there’s a slight chance that I may have passed some Aids onto you when we were a couple. Hope we can still be friends?

Lulz. I did this to like three seperate girls, today. Burn in hell, bitches!

Eat Snacks

Nothing passes the time faster than tucking into pastry-based snacks. Or just stuff that'll make you fat in general. Yum!

Words: Donald Crunk
1st Pic: Ellis Scott 2nd: Cobra Snake

Nollywood DVD Covers

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 23:16:00 +0000

Nollywood, forever!

Inside a dude’s brain (2): ' I hate approaching women'

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 23:08:00 +0000

I think I’m a pretty confident guy, but this whole ‘approaching women for pussy’ thing is starting to get kind of old. When you’re young, dumb and full of sexual frustration, it’s great fun to run up to every girl that makes your penis wet and stun them with your tweenage charisma, but when you get old enough to realise that ‘dick-power’ is almost as powerful as ‘pussy power’ you just kinda think ‘You know what, I’m better than this. I’m HOT. These bitches should be approaching me!’

Thing is though, that doesn’t usually happen. The only girls that approach men are whores and fat girls. It’s true. And I’m not saying I’m not into whores or big boned women, but I’ve never had the misfortune to experience herpes, and to be honest, I’d like to keep it that way. And all fat girls do is call you all day and complain about why they’re fat and I’m too busy to listen to that shit.

Words: Donald Crunk

Previously: Inside a dudes brain 1: I like To Fantasize about fucking celebs

A video for people who are into skateboarding and art and music

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:01:00 +0000

Bobby Birdman "Weighty Wait" from Audio Dregs Recordings on Vimeo.

www.myspace.com/bobbbirdman

Moviesssss!

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:37:00 +0000

I love movies. Sometimes you get guys running around with guns who do lots of swearing and blow things up a lot. Other times you get men falling in love with women who don’t love them . But then the guy does lots of cool stuff to win the woman over. There’s usually some laughs along the way though, because watching white people fall in love is fucking boring. I think my favourite types of movie at the moment are the ones that don’t make any sense. Like Mulholland Drive. WHATTHE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?

I think I’d be good at making movies. I wrote a script the other day, but my friend told me it was shit. I guess I’ll get better with time. Here are some of my pitches, let me know what you think.

'MASS HYSTERIA 2'

I read somewhere that putting a ‘2’ on the end of something that isn’t a sequel makes people think that there was a really popular ‘part 1’ that they missed out on. Thus making them more inclined to check out ‘part 2’. I don’t have a plot for ‘Mass Hysteria 2’ yet, but I think the name, rocks. Oh and Sarah Silverman will play the lead.

'Always Bet On Black'

Bruce Black has an attitude. Nobody understands him and nobody wants to. Which makes him the perfect serial rapist. And murderer. Scarlett Johansson is the psychic psychologist hired by the police force to track down Bruce. Can Scarlett overcome her fear of rape and solve the case?

'Pick me up'

Tom Cruise has a bad habit. He can’t stop screwing whores! Until he meets a pimp played by Flo Rida. Hilarity ensues in this rom-com for the post-MTV generation.

'See Kim Dance'

Michael Cera (Kim) can’t dance. At least we think he can’t. This kid’s the greatest fucking dancer in the world and he’s gonna prove it by dancing across every state in America. Little do we know that Kim’s dancing his ass off to get closure on the death of his aids-ridden father. Can you say ‘Happy feet’?

'Baby Boom'

Whoopi Goldberg is the babysitter from hell. But why? Because she eats them! Megan Fox, Seth Rogen, Shia Labouef and Michael Cera are the ‘Babysitter’s Club’. A crack team of P.I babysitters who infiltrate Whoopi’s cannibalistic operation and give her a taste of her own medicine.

Tagline: 'Dinner is served, but this time it’s your baby'.

Words: Donald Crunk

Girls from the MTV Europe Awards

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:41:00 +0000

When I was young, the annual MTV Award show used to be an awesome ocassion. Big lights, big tits and big performances. The European edition was never as good, but it was still worth checking out. Well, at least it was. I can't even remember the last time I enjoyed any of them. Do people even pay attention to this stuff anymore? ‘Who won what’ isn’t really important anymore, is it? I think it's more fun to check out what the girls are wearing on the red carpet. That never gets old!

Is it wrong to fantasize about a woman who’s slowly starting to look like she could pass for my mother in drag? Maybe. But who's counting? Not me!

If you sip a silicone and STD cocktail slowly and through a thin enough straw it actually tastes pretty darn good.

If I took Katy Perry’s virginity I’d call her 'Katy Cherry'. Because I ‘popped her cherry’. That’s called a ‘pun’.

I bet her crotch tastes like fizzy sherbet.

I wanna customize one of these and change the word 'sex' with the letter 'N'.

Fuck, that outfit really sucks. I bet the immigrant that made this is dead now.

I think Shakira is amazing. I can't even say anything dumb about her. I just want her to have my babies and me to make her breakfast.

Eugghhhhh. If I impregnated this camel-nosed giraffe, I'd make her have an abortion. No way would I let her hold on to my semen.

Words: Idle Shnichtzel

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: Making people think you're smart

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 00:26:00 +0000

Traditionally, you’d think that only doctors and scientists and Albert Einstein were actually qualified to class themselves as brainy. But in the real world, you don’t have to work that hard. Humans believe what they see and if you show them you’re smart, then they’ll believe it. If it looks like a smart and walks like a smart, then it’s a smart. Their brains won’t be able to fathom the fact that you’re anything other than what you’re portraying.

There’s nothing people love more than quotes. Especially from philosophers. It makes you sound well read. Have you heard of any philosophers? Google some. Learn some of their quotes and drop them into conversation. Start with Friedrich Nietzsche. I heard someone at a party drop one of his quotes into a conversation the other day and it made them look more intelligent than I previously thought.

Don’t say much. The more you talk, the more you’re gonna expose just how un-brainy you are. Just keep on pulling those quotes out your ass like a long piece of well-educated turd.

Pop-culture is beneath you. What’s a Britney Spears? Tupac Sha-who? There are no pop-icons dead or alive who are important enough for you to care about them. Did Timbaland ever do anything important? You don’t even know, because you’ve never heard of him and you don’t really care why all his beats on BP3 sounded like retarded mute made them on a 2nd hand PSP.

Wear glasses. Sure, it’s a cliché, but glasses add at least 35% to your overall ‘smarty-pants’ demeanour. Add that whole ‘I broke my glasses and had to use sellotape to put em back together because I spend all my money on books’ thing and you’re gonna be screwing a lot of dummies of the opposite sex who like to bang people who are smarter than them.

Don’t watch TV. Why would any intelligent person watch a vacuous soap opera or God forbid, a music video with black people in it? It just doesn’t happen. They’re too busy reading books and thinking of ways to make the internet land on the moon.

Maths = Power. Everything that ever happens anywhere can be tied back to mathematics. E.G. Master Shortie is a diabolically bad rapper because the square root of his circumference isn’t aligned within a 28 degree angle of the total sum of his girth. Yup, he’s that shit.

Words: Donald Crunk

Young Dro and Young La make a video which looks like art coming to life

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:05:00 +0000

Best hip-hop vid released in a while? Probably.

Hey, I wonder what those guys are really like?! (1): Loverman

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:44:00 +0000

Cheer up guys, it may never happen! Sure, they look a tad gloomy, but the guys from Loverman are pretty fucking chirpy in person. We met up with them the day before Halloween (spooky!) and talked about lots of fun things like which shoe is the ‘right shoe’ and why Disney World is racist. They also told us an interesting story about The Butthole Surfers. Apparently the band used to bring a chick on stage who would gloriously shit on herself during their gigs. Like right on the stage in front of everbody. Pretty fuckin crazy, right?

Being the rock marketing kings that we are, we advised Loverman to incorporate the ‘woman crapping herself’ shtick into their shows. Fingers crossed that they take our advice on board! Oh and Stay tuned for the rest of the stuff we talked about to be presented to you in a shiny and amazing fashion, extremely soon.

myspace.com/lovermantheband

Words: Plush Sofa

Dionne loves ping-pong!

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:36:00 +0000

My friend Dionne really loves ping-pong. I’m not sure why, as I always assumed it was for little girls and people who were locked up in prison, but maybe I was wrong. I noticed that we don’t talk about sports much on here, so I guess this is a good place to start.

Me: Hey Dee, why do you love ping pong so much?

Dionne: Well, it’s lots of fun. Like, more fun than you could ever imagine a game like ping-pong, being.

Really? What’s so great about it?

It’s just an exciting game to play. You really get into it. It’s like the little ball becomes your baby. I give birth to a little white ball every time I play.

Then you use a bat to slap your baby around? That’s mean.

Nah, I don’t mean like that, it’s just that I get so enthralled with it, it’s like I’m playing to save my baby’s life or something.

Do you grunt when you hit the ball like tennis players do?

I have been known to grunt and scream like a little girl. Sometimes I grunt, scream and swear all in one go.

What does that sound like?

Dionne grunts, then screams, then shouts ‘cunt’ so loud I feel deaf in one ear.

Fuck, that’s loud! That would really put me off if I was playing against you.

That’s kinda the point.

Do you know of any famous table tennis players?

Nah, not really. But I did know somebody who won a tournament at Clapham leisure centre, once. I guess he’s sort of famous?

Don’t they have a ping-pong game on the I-Phone?

I’m not sure. I’ve got a blackberry.

Pic: Ellis Scott
Interview: Donny Crunk

E mail re: Heavy Hawaii

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 04:28:00 +0000

HH on DDW

myspace.com/heavyhawaii

Lil Wayne Cake

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:35:00 +0000

We so jellz of Alec Baldwin & Kim Basinger's daughter, right now.

Moaning about boys: 'I hate it when guys don’t call'

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:47:00 +0000

Yeah, what’s up with that? You like me. I know you do. You approached me when I was minding my own business and confidently asked for my number. Then you took me to a crappy bar which didn’t even serve cocktails for Gawds sake. But did I complain? Of course not. You were doing your best Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing impression (minus the cancer x death, obviously) and I lapped it up because I always wanted my own personal Patrick Stud-ze.

You swept me off my feet by ticking the moody, stylish and mysterious boxes, you little pro. I can’t lie, I was in awe of your aura. I tried my hardest to hide it, but once I reached my third drink, I started to picture you being all manly saying ‘nobody puts baby in the corner’, before bending me over the table and getting real ‘Swayze’ with my kitty. But sadly, this never happened. It’s been a week since our date and I’m chilling in ‘lonely-ville’, desperately checking my I-phone every 5 minutes. For the sake of this blog I’m going to call you ‘Pete’. And Pete, if you’re reading, I hope you get run over by that big truck that Chris Eubank used to drive. Prick.

P.S. Call me!

Words: Backyard Betty
Pic: Ellis Scott

Life With The Black Panthers

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:44:00 +0000

Howard Bingham spent 6 months documenting the Black Panthers for Life magazine in the 60's. His work has been collated in his new book Black Panthers 1968. Check out some of the images here.

Ok, well Supreme just became my favourite streetwear label again, gimme 12 box tee's and a skateboard to go!

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:33:00 +0000

Spotted @Hypebeast

Male Bonding

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:48:00 +0000

This is the kind of stuff you listen to while you run headlong into your best bud, split open his forehead, then give him that ‘blood…?... Fuck yeah!’ look before doing a celebratory stomp in a puddle of cheap beer. Good times.

myspace.com/malebonding

Paula Pashmina’s Style Pic and Crush of the Week (or ‘Why I Rule')

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 20:46:00 +0000

It’s great when you can do two awesome things at one time. Starting a twitter war with a snarky FHM editor while jerking off a cute guy? Dope. Sending hate e-mails to insipid grime bloggers with bad grammer while watching Tyra eye-smile her ass off on ANTM? Double dope! But I think the golden crown of dopeness has to go to me for combining both my style AND crush columns (writing that word still makes me laugh. ‘Column’. lols) into one mega-blog. Yep, I rule!

This young lady seems to have taken every little nuance of sex appeal that would encourage me to take sip out of the cup-o-lesbian; crushed it up into a small powder-like substance and sniffed it all up without the slightest bit of hesitation. I could so see us going on a date to Nando’s. Sure, she’s got Kink Kong’s bow tie strapped to her weave, but something tells me that this hints at her ability to eat pussy exceptionally well. Don’t ask me how I came to that conclusion, because I don’t think I could give you a coherent answer. I’m too busy wondering how she’s gonna finger-fuck me with those zany, but ever so sassy nails. You better believe I’m taking this pic to Wah Nails 2moz for the hook up! And grillz to boot? I feel like I’m on the ‘screw with Paula’s sexuality’ edition of Punk’d.

Then we have her friend who has some sort of Wolverine-esque nail-thing going on. Does she keep a variety of attachments in her purse? I’m hoping she has a special one called ‘Orgasmo’ or ‘The Pleasure-Tron’. Oh and did you peep her stretch marks? *Swoon*.

Words: Paula Pashmina

Spotted @ Jak & Jill

This Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:50:00 +0000

facebook.com/urbannerdslondon

Blood Orange

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:36:00 +0000

Remember this dude? He was the poster boy for being young, black and ‘doing you’. Here’s his new project 'Blood Orange'. S'Cooled sounds amazing, no? Check the vid below:

Inside a dude’s brain: 'I like to fantasize about fucking celebrities'

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:20:00 +0000

Some women were put on this earth to evoke certain feelings from men. We look at you with your pretty hair and nice shoes and the first thing that pops into our heads is 'sex'. Fuck, you don’t even need to have the pretty hair or the nice shoes! We’re not interested in finding out what books you like to read, what your favourite meal is, or how long you like to spend in the gym. We just wanna fuck you all night long, over and over again.

Celebrities are really good at making men want to have sex with them. They wear all that shiny make up and pose seductively on the front of magazines. And sometimes they say things inside those magazines that make us think ‘is she or isn’t she a whore? If I met her would she let me hit that?’ We love that shit! It’s like dangling the keys to a fast car with massive breasts and low standards in front of our noses.

Girls always get jealous when they find out about our crushes, but I always thought that was dumb. I’m never gonna fuck any of the women that I fantasize about fucking, ever. It’s just not gonna happen. So chill out and just let me have my dreams. It’s my God given right as a human being, dammit.

I have compiled a list of my current Top 6 celeb crushes for dudes to drool over below(in no particular order):

God, aren't women just the greatest? I mean, really!

Words: Donald Crunk
Pic: Ellis Scott

Golden Nuggets of Wisdom: 'Smart Guy' blogs for Styleslut!

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:37:00 +0000

Hey, you may remember me from the show Smart Guy which aired in the late 90's. I played a young genius on the show which centered on my life, or 'misadventures' as Wikipedia puts it. For many years I felt as though I was slightly typecasted after the show was cancelled, as numerous agents tried to push me into 'young boy with smarts' roles, and I don't feel like I was given the chance to truly showcase my range as a multi-layered actor. I'm not just a 'smart guy'. I am 'happy guy, 'party guy', 'stylish guy' 'angry guy', or just simply '...Guy'. I can work around any prefix.

When Styleslut offered me a regular column I was touched. Writing has always been one of favourite pastimes and sharing it with the public is truly gratifying. I hope you guys enjoy what I hope will be the first of many entries. Thanks for walking with me.

How to be great at life Pt 1

Dress Well: After you get dressed and look in the mirror, what do you see? A movie star or an insecure bum? If it’s a little bit of both, then you’re just about ready to roll! People love confidence, but arrogance gets a ‘thumbs down’.

Get a job: People with jobs hate people that don’t have jobs. Your laziness and lethargy just gets multiplied and magnified by a thousand when you call them at work to tell them how great it is to be lying on your couch, eating cereal and playing video games.

Close your mouth when you’re eating: Food doesn't look appetising when it’s mashed up into a puke-like substance and swirling around your mouth like a washing machine.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness: That means take a bath and brush your teeth, because it takes you one step closer to meeting Jesus H Christ.

Respect other people: That guy who picks up rubbish for a living, has a drinking problem, sleeps with underage girls and physically abuses his mother deserves just as much respect as the next man.

Read books: That’s how you learn stuff. Not from the internet, from books.

Words: ...Guy

'GRUNGE': MICHAEL LAVINE x THURSTON MOORE

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:25:00 +0000

You almost certainly wore the tee and the plaid and wallowed in the mindstate, so why not buy the book?

Black people: ‘We eat stereotypes for brunch, honky’

noreply@blogger.com (.) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 17:30:00 +0000

Remember when it was cool to make fun of black people because you knew that your jokes about them never being on time, bad fathers, criminals and generally unemployable, were so on the ball that it wasn’t classed as racism? It was just a bit of humorous ‘social commentary’ (It’s funny because it’s true!). Well guess what whitey, the jokes on you! Black people wised up and decided to give non-blacks the world over a big slice of ‘middle-finger’ pie.

The other day I was assisting my boss while he conducted interviews for a new office clerk. I saw a variety of people: skinny girls with bangs, fat guys with BO, Asians who talked really fast and white guys who stuttered and talked really fast and had BO. It was a smorgasbord of cultural diversity. But you know what really stuck out that day? The blacks. They were well spoken, well dressed and well deserving of the position. Hell, some of them could have stolen my boss’s job from right under his nose. Imagine that!

The first guy who alerted me to this racial ‘turning of tides’, looked much like Omar Epps. Not like his ‘Omar Epps: house negro’ portrayal on the aptly titled hit show ‘House’, but more like the Omar Epps we all knew and loved in ‘Juice’. But this guy didn’t pull a gun out on me or attempt to sell me drugs. He had a degree in marketing and was actually over-qualified for the job. He lived in the suburbs and had a wife and 3 kids. He hadn’t left the mother of his child when he found out she was pregnant, or anything. They lived together. In the same fucking house. I could see him calling her a pet name like ‘moo moo’ while she makes pancakes and the kids play with their DS lite’s at the breakfast table. What a cute fucking family.

Lil Kim used to be a pretty amazing rapper. Remember when the picture of her with her twat hanging out was doing the rounds? Boy, did I offload some ‘five-finger rounds’ into that one! Which is why I expected the next applicant to be a) foul mouthed b) a stripper or c) both. Turns out that Shantell Williams from Peckham hadn’t stripped a day in her life. She was more like a young professor sliding down the stripper-pole of eloquence to the latest track by ‘Sir Smart-A-Lot’. She had so many accomplishments that she made me feel like I had to go back to school to be smart enough to finish the damn interview.

So my ‘assisting boss on interview day’ kinda’ turned into a market research session on how many stereotypes black people like to eat before lunch. I’d advise you guys to watch your back, because while your checking out the American Apparel site on your lunch break and listening to Girls’ Lust for life on your I-Phone, Jerome's gonna be reading the Financial Times. You know, looking at stocks and shares and shit.

Words: Mike Ock