Huh, looks like daddy is awake already. How can I get him to pick me up? hmmmmm… I know! I’ll entice him with cute!

“Duh duh duh. Duh!”

Well… That got a look. Need more cute.

“Bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa bwa”. *cute baby laugh*

Hmmm. That got a look and a smile. Turning the cute to 11.

“Dah dee! Dah dee! Dah dee!”

Success!

Now I’m just chillin’ here on his lap. Oh, what’s he doing with the magic box? Oh, signing time, I love me some signing time.

*zones out learnin’ some sign language*

Huh!? What was that? Over there to the left. Something… Moved. It rolled over. *gasp*! Could it be!? Could it!?

Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg!

IT IS!!!!1!!1!!!11oneone!!!

MOMMY!!!!

I haven’t seen her in SIX HOURS!!!!!

She’s here! In the same apartment as me! In the same room as me! IN THE SAME BED AS ME!!!!!!11!1!!!21!!

I have to touch her. I want to. I NEED to! Let me get to her!

MUST GET TO MOMMY!!

I did it! I’m to mommy! Ok, calm down. Calm down. Just breathe… It’s really her and I’m here and she has me…

*big sigh*

So I was talking to Kincaid (5.984101 years old) today.  He told me, “Ms. Jungee (a teacher at his school) said God died and came back to life”.  I said, “Yes, that’s what some people believe.”

Kincaid: “She said people killed him.”

Me: “Yes, that’s what happened, he was hung to a cross.”

Kincaid: “No, Aidan said he was ran over by a car.”

Me: “No, god definitely wasn‘t killed by a car.”

And that was good enough for him… Fastforward 15 minutes when Janelle (7 years old) gets in the car.

Kincaid: “Janelle! Mrs. Jungee believes in GOD!!!”

Janelle: “Really?!?“

Kincaid: “Yea, and she even has a toy God!”

Me: “What? A toy God!?”

Kincaid: “Yea, it was GREEN!”

Janelle: “Did it look like a beautiful angel?”

Kincaid: “No, it looked like a dinosaur.”

Me (laughing so hard I’m crying): “Do you mean Godzilla?”

Kincaid: “Yea…” (completely confused that God and Godzilla is not the same thing)

Wait about 45 minutes later…

Kincaid: “Godzilla must of stole his name from God.”

1. Healthcare reform is badly needed.
2. Some really smart kids on one side say that it will cost billions.
3. Some really smart kids on one side say that it will save billions.
4. The most important thing to me, personally, was the end of pre-existing conditions discrimination.
5. In order to wipe out pre-existing conditions, you have to either provide a public option or require by law everyone to obtain insurance.
6. I would have preferred the public option.

As far as the costs question, I say who cares?  Time will tell who was right.  I clearly am unqualified to weigh in on speculation for how it will play out.  If it saves billions, *yay*.  If it costs billions, oh well, it’s worth the risk.  If we can drop billions on a war, surely we can drop billions on attempting to improve healthcare for the entire country.  Plus, why can’t we fix it as we go?  We have to start somewhere… and I guess this is the best option to start… wait, no, that’s the other thing.

This was our only option to start.  No one who opposed the bill proposed any compromises or any alternate plans.  This is the first real attempt at sorely needed reform in decades.  So in the end: it’s better than nothing.  Let’s just all get along now and make sure it works.  Let’s see where it fails and where it needs modified and do so accordingly.

Let’s fix healthcare, k?  Together.

A list of claims that are ridiculous:

1. The bill is unconstitutional
2. The bill is “socialized” medicine.  Although I’d like it to be much more socialist like other services we already have, it isn’t.
3. This is the start of DOOOOOOOOOM.  (How is this in any way an argument)
4. SUE the federal government!!!  (come ooooon…. this doesn’t help anything.  Seriously, let’s give our only chance at healthcare reform a go and adjust it as it needs adjusting!)

I don’t think it’s much to ask.  And I don’t get why so many people are so outraged over attempting to fix something horribly broken.

Is the bill perfect?  Definitely not.

Could the bill cause harm?  Yes, but not the extreme harm some FUD wants you to believe.

Could the bill help?  If we all just freaking work together, it will definitely help.

So don’t call me a supporter of the bill.   Don’t call me against the bill.  Call me a supporter of doing something rather than nothing.  I’m happy that reform has started and that many uninsured will soon be insured.  I don’t want this to be the end of reform.  I want this to be the start of reform, on our way to the perfect bill.

I am writing to you about Psycho Mom who happens to be a very active volunteer for your school.  Much of your staff is already familiar with Psycho Mom and most likely knows where this letter is going.  The important thing to understand here is that a very active volunteer is just as responsible as staff for communicating your school’s voice and representing what your school stands for.

Psycho Mom, on school grounds, surrounded by other parents and some of their kids, purposefully tried to hurt my daughter Janelle.  She expressed concern for her kids safety around my daughter.  She used labels like “Children of the Corn”.  Yes, Psycho Mom has been telling parents and their children that my daughter is demonic and murderous.  She has told her own daughter to stay away from her and urged other parents to do the same.  A grown adult, who you employ as a volunteer, has been bad mouthing a 7 year old behind her back!  This was during school hours, on school grounds, and said with no regards to who could overhear it.

She has no grounds for these claims.  Only a “feeling” she gets about her.  She also bad mouthed me and my wife.  Claiming our entire family to be dysfunctional.  I have never met this woman.  My wife has barely interacted with her.  We don’t know why she has decided to hate and attack us.  When confronted she is entirely unapologetic and shrugs it off with “it’s just how I feel” and other such generalizations.

When others have brought up her actions to various people, the response was almost always: “Oh.  Yeah, Psycho Mom is like that.”  Often times with a roll of their eyes.

It is apparent that at least some of your staff is aware of these actions from a very prominent volunteer.  So I ask you, is this really the message you’re trying to communicate as a school?  What would you do if a teacher acted like Psycho Mom does?  Honestly, I know the answer.  You run a fantastic school and have some amazing people on staff there.  There is no way you’d stand for this kind of behavior from staff.  So, why would you stand for it from a volunteer?

I have sent this letter to multiple people:

1.  The Principle – For you should be the one who knows what message your staff is communicating.

2.  Awesomest Teacher Ever – For you are probably the one on staff who knows Janelle and my wife the most and can back us up on how ridiculous these claims against them are.

3.  Awesomest Friend Ever – For you are the one who brought this to our attention after seeing it happen.

4.  Psycho Mom – So that you are aware of our complaint and nothing is done behind your back.

Sincerely,

Ryan Hadley

But that’s only when we’re talking about opinions.  There are many times when I’m talking about facts with someone and they pull the “let’s agree to disagree” line in the end.  No, I will not agree to disagree about facts.  Facts can be found from reliable and trusted resources.  Evidence can be presented.  And in the end, one of us will be proven right.  The other will be proven wrong.

And this is a good thing.

If someone says “studies show that X does Y” and someone else argues “no they don’t!”, then one person is right and the other is wrong.  If someone says “country A has 70% income tax!”  He is either right or wrong.  Same thing if someone says “There are no transitional fossils”.  Or, “The 2nd law of thermodynamics proves evolution is false”.  The google is a great tool for discovering who is right and who is wrong in such cases.  There are many reputable pages with the answers, and often with other sources cited for further verification of the facts.  And each case has a very clear cut, non-ambiguous answer.  There is no room to agree to disagree.

You can have an opinion that evolution is false, although it takes a lot of faith nowadays to believe that.  But you can’t state wrong information about evolution and expect it to support your opinion.  You are wrong if you think the 2nd law of thermodynamics disproves evolution.

You can have an opinion that chiropractors can cure the common cold.  But you can’t state that scientific studies prove that chiropractics can cure the common cold.  One is an opinion, the other is just a false statement that can be easily proven as wrong.

I don’t care which side I’m on.  I don’t care if I’m the one proven wrong.  I don’t care if you’re the one proven wrong.  It’s a good thing either way.  I try my hardest to admit when I’m proven wrong, but others don’t reciprocate.  They weasel out in some way, with the overused “let’s agree to disagree” line, or maybe just laugh it off, “haha, we could talk about this all day.”  I don’t get it.

Being proven wrong is great.  It’s better than learning something completely new.  Being proven wrong changes something you were mistaken on and didn’t know it.  You can embrace it and learn from it.  It often leads to you changing your thoughts on several other things.  It’s like a chain of dominos is tipped over.  It gives you a lot to go and think through and in the end come out better, smarter, and more prepared to defend your opinions.

Sure, it can do all those things and you don’t have to admit it.  But that shows so poorly on you, especially if the debate wasn’t in private.  Let others learn from your mistake.  Admit your wrongness and make corrections.

If someone is proven wrong, they admit it, and multiple people learn from it, then the conversation is so much more enjoyable.  They’ll have more conversations like it and they’ll continue to expand their knowledge.

Don’t take the easy way out.  Start shocking the internet  with the words “I was wrong.”  The times when I’ve out right admitted I was wrong I instantly won points with the people I was talking with.

(It’s also very beneficial to admit your opinions were wrong too, so don’t be afraid of that one either.)

Arguing on the Internet

So that got me thinking about Wicca and what they believe.  I remembered this funny Yahoo Answers question I stumbled upon one day.  This girl, who is apparently a practicing Wiccan, wants to know a spell to turn herself in to a mermaid.  She got a ton of funny responses about sure fire “magic spells” she could do in order to do this, all of them obviously making fun of her.

So I was thinking, “Do they REALLY believe in this stuff?”  Do Wiccans really believe they can curse entire cities, causing mass blindness?  Do Wiccans really believe they can transform in to other forms, including mythical creatures like Mermaids?  Because if they do really believe these things, holy shit are they stupid.

So I googled it.

Turns out, Wiccans are no different than Christians.  Just take away Jesus/God/Holy Spirit and replace it with Nature.  Take out Praying and replace it with Magic.  And *poof*, you have Wicca.

I know, that’s a huge generalization of both religions.  My point is that I’ve gone my whole life thinking witchcraft was just something super-duper-crazy people believed in.  It was obvious to me that “magic” does not exist.  You don’t see people turning in to frogs/mermaids/whatever.  You don’t see people flying on broomsticks.  But that’s not what Wiccans apparently believe.  At least, from the little effort I put in to looking to see what online Wicca communities have to say on this stuff.

What I found is that Wiccan “magic” is the same as Christian “prayer”.

I found lots of Wiccan pages that assert things like: “Sometimes spells work, sometimes they do not. Sometimes prayers produce results. Sometimes they do not.” and “Magic is not guaranteed. Neither is prayer to God.”

What kind of spells sometimes work?

• Spells to help someone get over an illness.
• Spells to help someone find a new job.
• Spells to help someone struggling through financial troubles.
• Spells to bring you extra luck throughout a day.
• Spells to help you come to the correct decision on an important matter.
• Spells for rain.

What kind of spells never work?

• Spells to transform in to mermaids.
• Spells to alter your appearance (i.e. change your eye color).
• Spells to restore an amputated limb.
• Spells that break the laws of physics (flying on a broom).
• Spells to read minds/teleport/etc.
• Spells to move mountains.

In fact, I even stumbled upon some “prayer chain” type sites/forums.  But instead of asking for prayer support, they were asking for spells to be cast for them.  Not “pray for my brother, he has pneumonia” but “cast a spell for my brother, he has pneumonia”.

All of these things can be said for prayer too.

What kind of prayers sometimes work?

• Prayers to help someone get over an illness.
• Prayers to help someone find a new job.
• Prayers to help someone struggling through financial troubles.
• Prayers to bring you extra luck throughout a day.
• Prayers to help you come to the correct decision on an important matter.
• Prayers for rain.

What kind of prayers never work?

• Prayers to transform in to mermaids.
• Prayers to alter your appearance (i.e. change your eye color).
• Prayers to restore an amputated limb.
• Prayers that break the laws of physics (flying on a broom).
• Prayers to read minds/teleport/etc.
• Prayers to move mountains.

So, are Wiccans crazy?  No, I can’t say they are any more.  Calling Wiccans crazy would be the same as calling Christians crazy.  And calling Christians crazy would mean that I myself at one point in time was crazy.  When I believed in the power of prayer, I do not believe that I was crazy.  I have a different view on it all now though, and I strongly believe that prayer doesn’t hold up to any of its claims.  But I understand why others do believe in it.

And so now, because of a Simpsons episode followed by some intense googling, I understand why people believe in the power of Wiccan magic.  Now I can rest happily that the question, “Do Wiccans REALLY believe that!?” is answered with, “No, no they don’t.”

But why, why do people believe in Wiccan magic/Christian prayer but not in storybook magic/miraculous prayer?  By “miraculous prayer” I refer to a prayer such as… restoring the limb of an amputee.  What is the difference between the two?  Why can you ask God for many things and seem to get them, but he refuses to grant requests for some things 100% of the time?  Why are there magic spells that seem to work, but others that fail 100% of the time?

To me, it seems awfully convenient that the magic that works “sometimes” is always magic that can not be easily falsified.  If magic ever works, that magic could easily be written off as a coincidence.  The faithful, however, believe that it was “more” than just a coincidence.  If the magic is done in a way that leaves no chance for coincidence, the magic always fails.  (I’m using magic here to be an all encompassing word for Wicca/Prayer/Positive Thoughts/etc.)  So anything outright and bold such as matter transformation/matter generation/breaking the laws of physics, or even not so bold claims done under properly run/double blind/placebo controlled studies, is on the list of things that never work.

So obviously all of these magic based faiths only work if the chance of coincidence is not removed.  The question, “Can ‘magic’ do the impossible?” Is answered with “Yes, if you leave room for coincidence.”  For instance, someone is diagnosed with a horrible form of cancer.  They get magic support and go for a 2nd opinion a week later.  Miraculously, there is no cancer.  Magic?  Or did the first physicians just give a wrong diagnosis?  The true nature of such kind of uses of magic is revealed by properly run studies on the medical benefits of prayer.  They all confirm that prayer has no medical benefit.

I’m happy to find that Wiccans don’t honestly believe that with the right spell they can turn in to a mermaid.  And I’m happy that I’ve come to understand that Wiccans aren’t really all that different from Christians.  I make comparisons between the two only because I am deeply familiar with Christianity, having been a Christian for a large part of my life.  Not because I wanted to “lower Christians to the level of Wiccans”.  I’m not lowering anything, I’m raising my own thoughts on Wiccans to the level of Christians.

Today I am working from home with a Travis (2 years old), sick.  We have been relaxing in our jammies (note: “jammies” for me means boxers and a white t-shirt) while I work and he watches Sesame Street.  Everything was going fine, I was getting a lot done and he was staying calm and safe right beside me.

And then Travis reminded me that he was sick.  In an instant he filled his diaper over capacity.  I instantly knew, since he was sitting right next to me.  It was so fast and violent that there was no mistaking what just happened.  So, quickly I grabbed a clean diaper and some wipes to get him cleaned asap.  But then I discovered just how over capacity this was.  I looked at the time, 11:50 am, and thought, “No problem, I needed a small break anyway, and it’s near lunch break for most everyone else.  I’ll give him a bath.”

Travis’ love baths, so I got no argument here.

I start the bath water running and notice that the bathroom trash is overfull and really needs dumped.  So while I wait for the bath to fill, I take it to dump it in to a larger trash.  Sure enough, that happened to fill that trash up too.  So I tied it off and considered throwing on pants and taking it straight to the dumpster.  “Nah, I don’t want to leave Travis alone with running bath water while I run it down.  I’ll just stick it in the garage until later tonight.”  Great plan, right?  Don’t leave the sick two year old alone in an apartment with running bath water.

So I take it to our attached garage, dropping it off near the garage door, then quickly run back inside.  Only… the door was locked.  “SHIT”.  See, our door to our garage does that sometimes and I always forget.  Somehow in opening the door from the inside, and letting it shut by itself, the lock twists just the slightest bit and *poof*  — you’re locked in the garage.

This is usually no problem.  Usually someone else is home and will hear you knocking.  Usually you’re dressed.  Usually there isn’t a sick 2 year old alone on the other side with a bathtub filling with water.

My only option was clear.  I had to open the garage door, hope no one was outside at the time, and run around to try all the doors/windows until I find one that is unlocked.  And if that failed… well, I guess I could break a window with a rock?  But, knowing us, something was left unlocked, so I wasn’t too worried about having to resort to window breaking.

I peaked through the garage door’s windows (way up high, so it was more of a jumping up and down for a bit) to make sure the coast was clear.  My plan was simple:

1. Hit the button
2. Run around the corner
3. Quickly try the front door
4. Quickly run around the next corner to the side of the apartment facing the road
5. Hop the porch fence and try the living room sliding glass door
6. Hop back over the fence and try the kid’s window
7. Move further down to the spare bedroom and try that window
8. Run around the next corner and try our bedroom window
9. This is where I’d resort to smashing a window

It’s 12:00 PM on a work day, so I figured my chances of going unnoticed were great.  I hit the button and started running, pulling a bit of an “Indiana Jones” as I squeezed under the garage door before it was fully up.  Turned the corner and *BAM*.

Not only was a neighbor in the hall.  But there was a neighbor in the hall at the exact corner I was sprinting around.  He was carrying keys and mail he seemed to be taking to the outgoing slot.  “Was” being the key word there.  We collided, he was very apologetic, even though I’m the psycho neighbor apparently doing laps around the building in my underwear.  I helped him pick up his mail, apologizing, and I’m sure I was beat red.

Got to the front door and it was locked.  I sighed deeply and took off towards the side facing the road.  And of course, there’s not one, but two cars.  One is parked right in front of our porch with some guy waiting in the passenger seat.  He made eye contact.  The other car was driving by.

I hopped the porch in a very stylish single bound, swinging my legs over to my right side as I leaned on the porch fence, really hoping I hopped it without flashing anyone.   Ran to the door without looking back and… it was unlocked!  *whew*

Got inside, ran to the bathroom.  There was Travis, standing at the toilet, hands covered in Gold Bond Anti Itch Moisturizing Lotion, with about half a roll of toilet paper in the toilet bowl.

“Hi!” he yells to me.  I laugh, “Hi!”

The bath was full, but no where near danger of overflowing.  So everything was OK.  Although… I do wonder what my neighbor thinks of the whole thing…

Speaking of lying, read their mission statement: http://www.the912project.com/the-912-2/mission-statement/.

So do you got that?  It’s not a political movement.  But, three key questions to determine if the 9/12 Project is for you are:

1. Do you watch the direction that America is being taken in and feel powerless to stop it?
2. Do you believe that your voice isn’t loud enough to be heard above the noise anymore?
3. Do you read the headlines everyday and feel an empty pit in your stomach… as if you’re completely alone?

So here we have Glenn exploiting your emotions.  Using 9/11, the most emotional event to have happened nationally to me in my entire life.  On top of that, he throws in other emotional jabs about the current Government (Democrats) having power.  But… it’s not political people.  Nothing political here at all.

Then, he moves on to start talking about how the members of the 9/12 Project outnumber and surround the evil Democratic government.  Almost like this insane man is trying to recruit an army…

Then he leads in to his 9 principles.  The 9 principles that, evidently, make the perfect American.  9 principles that are supposedly a summary of the 28 principles the founding fathers used to build our country.  Are you a little confused by that last sentence?  Didn’t you know that the founding fathers built our country on 28 principles?  I didn’t know this either… In fact, I’ve looked through the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, etc.  These 28 principles are no where to be found.  The best thing I can find is individual quotes given at separate times by various founding fathers that suggest it was a personal belief of theirs.  In no way was our country founded on these 9 principles, or the other 17: http://www.the912project.com/the-912-2/.

Of course, that is probably clearly what they meant when they wrote: “At the origin of America, our Founding Fathers built this country on 28 powerful principles.”  Right?  That can be easily understood as: “If you quote mine all of history and pull individual quotes from individual founding fathers made at vastly different times and remove all context, you can generate this list of 28 principles that may have influenced the founding fathers in some minor way in the building of our country.”  The two sentences are interchangeable.

Let’s go through ‘em.  Evidently you have to believe in at least 7 of these in order to be a part of the project.  In order to be the right kind of American.

America Is Good

Well… what in the world does this mean?  Is it suggesting that some countries are evil?  I definitely don’t agree with the “principle” as is.  I think there are some good things about America, and some bad things, and clearly some evil things too.  I don’t believe that America is any of them.  Ice cream is good.  America?  Well, I like it here and I like that crazy asshats like Beck are allowed to be crazy asshats.  But I can’t fully say that I believe in the principle that “America is Good”.

I believe in God and He is the Center of my Life

Wait… WHAT?  The 9/12 Project is suggesting that to be a true American you can not be an Atheist!  Well shit, I’m 0 for 2 so far.  And not only is the 9/12 Project suggesting that true Americans believe in a personal God, but they’re suggesting that the Founding Fathers built the country on this principle.  The same Founding Fathers who fought for freedom from religion and built a government that clearly states that you DO NOT HAVE TO BELIEVE IN GOD in order to be an American.

So that leaves 7 principles… I better believe in these next 7 or else I’m not wanted in this country.

I must always try to be a more honest person than I was yesterday

Well this principle is just logically stupid.  I have had many days when I was 100% honest.  Sure, maybe I’m ignoring the main point of this principle by looking at it logically… So let’s look at it as it is most likely intended: “A true American strives to be as honest as they possibly can be, every day of their life.”  Ha!  I now know why Glenn says 7 out of 9 is OK!  Clearly he doesn’t believe in this one.  How honest could he truly be as he accuses Obama of having a “deep seated hatred for white people”?

I do try to live an honest life.  It is a personal goal of mine.  I do not believe that this is a requirement for being an American.  I would like my leaders to strive for honesty… although that is hard to find in a politician.

So to be clear: honesty is important to me personally and I value it in my friends/leaders.  I do not think it is a principle required by true Americans.  So here we go, 0 for 3.  How un-American could I be?

The family is sacred. My spouse and I are the ultimate authority, not the government

Again: Holy shit!  Of course I don’t believe in this principle!  For one, it is built specifically to exclude gay marriage.  And number two, I can think of many instances when the government SHOULD have authority over parents.  Also, some people may want to live a life without a partner and without kids.  All power to them and you’re still just as much of an American as I am.  However, I’m not doing so hot.  0 for 4.

If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it

Sure, I think I can get behind this one.  I do have my own opinions on what should be illegal and what the punishments for things should be.  I expect those opinions to be different from many others in America, and that is OK.  But, I do believe that if you haven’t gotten the law changed to fit your ideals, you still are responsible for the consequences of breaking that law.

Woot!  1 of 5!

I have a right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness, but there is no guarantee of equal results

Another I can get behind.  Although, that second half you could really leave off.  And I don’t like the “I” in it.  My version of this principle goes: “Everyone has a right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”  2 for 6.

I work hard for what I have and I will share it with who I want to. Government cannot force me to be charitable

Again with the misleading manipulation, you stupid, lying, fear mongering asshat Mr. Beck!

<sarcasm>Why should I have to pay to support the Fire Department?  If some poor guys house catches fire and he can’t afford to pay the fire department to put it out, it’s not my problem!</sarcasm>

2 for 7!

It is not un-American for me to disagree with authority or to share my personal opinion

Of course it’s not!  OK, I’m going to say this next sentence even though it makes me wince a little.

Glenn Beck is the perfect example of why I love America.

The fact that you can be as bat shit crazy as Glenn Beck, say such disgusting and revolting lies about the government and the president as Beck, and start a “grass roots” movement to overflow the government based off ridiculous principles that many are clear violations of the constitition…  That you can do all that and you’re not locked up or censored.  That’s what it means to be a true American.  To allow such freedom of speech and expression of opinion.

3 for 8!  But this one is the only one on my list of principles required to have in order to be an American.

The government works for me. I do not answer to them, they answer to me

Again with the fear mongering.  This is not a principle.  This is an attempt to invoke passion and fear in to followers of his movement.  The government is elected by you.  But you definitely answer to your own government.  If you disagree with your government, you fight to change it.  Wait?  This “principal” clearly violates the previous principle: “If you break the law you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it”.

The government here is amazing in that it has a system that allows it to be changed.  Sure, other governments in other countries may be the same, but I’m no expert on world governments.  I know how ours works and I know that change is possible:

1. Abolition of slavery
2. Womans Suffrage
3. The beginnings of the recognition of Gay Rights

Three huge steps in the right direction for humanity.  Three clear cases where Government has been changed or is being changed by the people.

But don’t misunderstand.  Just because the government can be changed does not mean that you don’t answer to the government.  We don’t live in anarchy.

In Summary

On the Glenn Beck 9/12 scale of a true American I have scored a sad 3 out of 9.  A score of 33.33%.  That is not a passing grade, but I don’t care.  Because the whole 9/12 project is bullshit.  I present to you, the true American movement.  I call it, the Declaration of Independence.  The most important part:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

As I typed out the next sentence that my brain formed, I knew I was diving in to nerdom deeper than I had ever ventured:

(06:11:38 AM) Ryan Hadley: I wonder what a constant zombie presence would do for natural selection
(06:11:52 AM) Ryan Hadley: holy shit I’m a dork

Before I get in to my thoughts on this and dive even deeper in to this nerdery, I must admit some major faults of mine on this subject:

1. I am not an expert in any kind of way on evolutionary biology.  I do feel I have a better understanding of it than your average Joe in the USA.  But, this is only because I understand that it is real, a fact, and not random.  Three things it seems we often get quite wrong.  So my guesses on what a constant zombie presence would do are quite limited by the fact that I am not a scientist.
2. I am not an expert in any kind of way on zombie mythology.  There are quite a lot of details and opinions out there on zombies.  I have not looked in to it far at all.  95% of my knowledge on zombies comes from Shaun of the Dead.  The other 5% comes from various other means of hearing about zombies:  video games, word of mouth, movie reviews, etc.

I’m thinking only of the case where zombies have flourished over a long period of time.  Many human generations.  Many years, decades, of a constant, never ceasing and highly dangerous human predator.  The humans lost the war and the zombies are prospering.

First, some thoughts on the changes to the environment:

1. Society as we know it would not be able to survive.
2. Sustenance would be rare and dangerous to find.
3. Life expectancy would drastically plummet.
4. Communication/contact with other humans would be rare.  I’m thinking multiple groups of survivors would just have to do their best on their own.

If my assumptions are correct, there would be multiple pools of people quite possibly evolving in vastly different directions.  What directions would be likely?  Let’s take a look at the predator:

1. Extremely hard to kill.
2. Usually hunts in large packs.
3. Never sleeps, always hungers for your flesh and braiiiiiiinz.
4. Very slow.
5. Very dumb.
6. Main method of attack: powerful bite that breaks the skin.  One successful bite and you’re lost.

So, keeping in mind the other environmental changes, what are some human traits that could offer a higher chance of surviving?

Quickness/Endurance

Being slow will just get you eaten.  You have got to be able to move quickly and not stop too much to catch your breath.  I can imagine it helping in more than one way:

1. Escaping a surprise zombie ambush.
2. Being able to get to resources needed for sustenance/protection and get back to safety without being ambushed.
3. Being able to get to resources needed and safe areas before other humans do.

Obviously, most of the old and crippled would not survive long during the early years of the initial outbreak.   The overweight are typically slow and have little endurance, so they too would be easy targets in the first years.  After the first years, most of the survivors would most likely be the younger, quicker and more physically fit of our species.

After the first couple of years there would have to be a trade off.  Sure, the quicker/fitter are now the ones breeding, but resources would be scarce.  If you need more fuel for your body than someone else, you would probably have a harder time surviving.  There would have to be an equilibrium of fuel needed to physical agility.  In areas where sustenance might be easier to find, those groups of survivors would probably also be more evolved in quickness and endurance.

Reproduction

With a drastically shorter life span, the women and men who become parents will be younger and younger.  The age at which women reach sexual maturity would start to drop.  Having kids young would be preferred, since you most likely won’t be alive past 30 to help raise and train your kids with your zombie surviving knowledge.

Also, possibly the amount of time of gestation could start to shorten.  Mothers who give birth to smaller, but still healthy, babies earlier than 9 months would probably find it easier to survive.  The births would be less complicated if the baby is smaller, and getting around (fleeing zombies) would be quite difficult for a 9 month pregnant woman.

Maturity

In our society now, kids aren’t considered “ready” to be on their own until around age 18.  And even then many kids still rely on their parents through college.  This would not do in a long term zombie outbreak.  Babies would have to be born early in the mother’s life (as mentioned above), and the babies would need to be self sustainable much earlier than 18.

Our rate of maturity would most likely increase.  We would go through puberty at younger ages and we would finish “growing” at younger ages.  All to be a contributing member to the tribe faster, instead of requiring more effort from the tribe to raise you.

Natural Zombie Defenses

What if you happened to be ambushed by a zombie and survived a close encounter?  Maybe the zombie actually tried to bite you, but wasn’t able to break your skin?  I could imagine skin thickness possibly being good for surviving zombie attacks.  Maybe not quite to the extent of being able to flee though.  So maybe not.  But just a thought, perhaps enough quick survivors who also  happen to be able to survive some zombie bites would nudge natural selection in the direction of increasing skin thickness.

Immunity

What is it about a zombie bite that kills?  Is it possible that some day in the long zombie infestation someone has just the right genetic mutations to be able to not die from one bite?  This would be huge.  Their tribe clearly would have much greater chances of surviving.  They would have more options open to them for places to travel to, places to find sustenance, and — they would be the perfect evolved group to start staging a counter attack on the zombies.

Zombies wouldn’t be harmless.  I mean, they’d still be damn hard to kill and the right bite in the right place could be quite fatal.  But they wouldn’t be feared nearly as much by these people.  They wouldn’t be “one bite you lose”.  Which is huge.

In Conclusion

We would be alive, there would be survivors.  Multiple independent groups.  We would be reproducing and natural selection would be continuing to make us properly fit our environment.

Zombies would be dead.  They are the walking dead and are damn hard to stop.  They would survive by “infecting” our weak and because of their insanely long “life” expectancy.

We’d have the advantage, because of natural selection.  We would be near powerless at first, but because we are alive we would adapt.  Eventually the tides would turn and we would be able to best the zombies, who are dead and don’t adapt, who once bested our distant ancestors.

In the case of a zombie apocalypse, natural selection would be our only hope.