However, as soon as you start dating someone, you do face the gift giving dilemma.

• Do you get them a gift?
• How much do you spend?
• What if they don’t give you a gift back?
• Will they feel pressured?

It’s enough to make your head hurt.

So much depends on several factors, too many variables for me to cover in one blog article. However, here are some things to ask yourself and some rules of thumb you can use to help ensure you don’t become a Grinch.

Questions:

1. How long have you been dating?
2. Have you discussed Holiday plans?
3. Have you discussed gift ideas?
4. Has the other person been avoiding any holiday talk?
5. Do they celebrate the same holidays that you do?

Ask your self these questions and seriously think about your answers. The longer you have been dating, the more significant (at least in meaning, not in dollars) the gift should be. If you have plans to actually spend Christmas Eve, or Christmas Together, a gift would be appropriate. If you have actually talked about what you want as gifts, you are giving the all clear for some shopping.

However, if he’s been avoiding holiday talk like the plague, and getting very non-committal about holiday plans, signs are good that he’s just not ready to take the relationship to the wrapping paper level. For the guys you’ve just started dating, or are dating on a very casual level (but not just booty calls), there are a few things to take into consideration.

Rules of Thumb:

1. Don’t go overboard. I once spent days tracking down a signed copy of a boyfriends favorite book by his favorite author. It was a bit overwhelming for him, even though we had been dating at that point for several months. There is often a feeling that gifts need to be equal, and setting the bar to high can either scare the guy off or make him feel inadequate in the package department.
2. Do put thought into the gift. Unless you know it’s what he really wants, a gift card is just a little impersonal for someone you are interested in. If you get him something that reflects and interests, you will show that you have really paid attention to things he’s said.
3. Don’t go for “couples” gifts. It’s probably way too soon to get the matching t-shirts with your photos on it. Any gift that screams “I’m already planning our wedding” is going to make the other person uncomfortable.
4. Do get something fun. A practical gift in my house is referred to as an “Aunt Edna” gift, because she always gave something practical, useful and BORING. You are not at the point where socks and underwear are a good gift. Unless the relationship is an exclusive, sexual relationship, even sexy underwear is a big no-no.
5. Don’t give to get something back. If you are going to give a gift, give it for the sheer joy that the act of giving brings. Go into it fully prepared that you might not get a present at all, or that it might not equal what you have done. Have no expectations, and then if you do get something back, it will be wonderful, and you won’t face disappointment.

As we are inundated with commercialized gift giving, it’s hard not to set up expectations of the “perfect” holiday. However, mentally check yourself, and just enjoy spending time with someone you like, and who likes you back.

This is huge! So many women remake themselves for every man they meet, conforming to his expectations of what a girlfriend/lover/wife should be. I did that for years, whether single or married, and looking back, I realize that not only did I betray myself, but I also set myself up for bad/toxic/doomed relationships.

At some point prior to meeting John- probably because I was fed up with the whole relationship “game” – I changed. When I met him I just started saying whatever I thought, and although most (the wrong) men would have said forget it, he responded with whatever he thought, and neither one of us fell apart or got hurt feelings…in fact, nothing bad happened!

Maybe that’s what makes us so right for one another, and why we are happy. We both accept that the other person has their own thoughts and feelings, and they aren’t good or bad, they just are. We’ve both lived a lot of years, have had a bajillion experiences both good and bad prior to meeting, and those experiences make us who we are today.

So today I’d like to encourage you to be yourself. If the guy you’re dating can’t accept you for who you really are, then he’s the wrong one for you. Be truthful about how you feel, say what you really think, and let the chips fall where they may. I promise you’ll be happier in the long run.

So what should you do on a first date?

Remember that the ability to have a conversation is key.

You aren’t on a date with a restaurant or movie theater, you probably already know if you like Italian food or Action Adventure movies. You are there to get to know the other person.

Here are some ideas that will allow you to have a fun, flexible date. Knowing that not everyone will be comfortable staring into the eyes of a virtual stranger for an extended period of time while talking about that time in the 3^rd Grade (you know the one) I’ve included some ideas that offer enough distraction to ease awkwardness, while still allowing for one on one interaction and conversation.

1. Coffee to Go – Why not sit in a coffee house? Well, like I said above, that can get a little uncomfortable. Why not get some coffee and go for a walk in a park? Perhaps there is an interesting waterfront, or window shopping area that would afford lots of views and people watching opportunities. Sometimes what’s happening around you can serve as a conversation starter, rather than a distraction.
2. Miniature Golf – I know, you are thinking cheesy high school stuff, right? Wrong. The sheer silliness of trying to hit a day-glo golf ball past a spinning windmill should help overcome any stalls in conversation. It’s also a great way to see how good natured and competitive the other person is. If golf isn’t your thing, go-karts or arcades can accomplish the same thing.
3. Tourist Traps – Is there a cheesy place in your city? A large ball of twine or a mystery thing? While many may think this is silly, finding something truly local and off the wall can be a lot of fun. In many cases, it can be something that you’ve both wanted to see, but never made the time for. Just try to avoid super long guided tours that would limit conversation!
4. Volunteer – So this one might sound a little altruistic, and you do want to make sure the other person is open to it before you scheduled anything. Many volunteer activities offer plenty of time to talk. Working in a soup kitchen preparing food, or helping sort donations at a thrift shop can be a great way to get to know someone, and help the community at the same time.
5. Artistic Expression – A paint your own pottery shop might be just the ticket. Watching someone decorate something can tell you a lot about them and open up really interesting lines of conversation. If everything goes well, you can work in picking up the fired pieces as part of a follow up date.

I specifically left off beaches, hikes and forest picnics for a reason. It’s never a good idea to seclude yourself away from others while you are getting to know someone, and if you are doing the asking, you don’t want your date to feel uncomfortable.

Someone who’s concerned about their safety in any way is not going to be a great and open conversationalist. So keeping in mind what you and the other person like to do, finding an environment conductive to talking, and being a little creative can lead to the first of many dates!

Why would I pass up the opportunity for a free meal in this economy? Well, because I didn’t want to be trapped to an hour of tedious conversation if the date wasn’t going well. What could be less appetizing than suffering through a meal across from someone you just don’t want to be with? Maybe trying to make small talk with spinach stuck in your teeth?

We met and got coffee, and found a place to sit and talk. Without the distraction of ordering, menus, waiters and all the other things that happen in a restaurant, we were able to have a real conversation.

So, how about meeting at a bar for a drink; alcohol can make everyone a little more relaxed and help the conversation get going, right? Well, I have a couple of issues with that.

First, I know that I’ll have a tendency to drink more when I’m nervous, and the last thing I want on a first date is to be drunk enough to make an ass of myself, or worse, poor decisions. Secondly, you want to get to know the person, not the party persona. Dosing the date with booze can drastically change the direction of the first meeting.

Most importantly, I value myself enough to know that no one should need to be buzzed to spend time with me, and I have enough confidence to know I don’t need a cocktail crutch to carry on a conversation.

The other idea he had for the evening was seeing a movie. After the coffee, while the conversation was still going well, I asked if we could skip the movie and just continue talking.

Getting to know him as a person was more important than a seeing a movie and eating popcorn. How much can you really learn from person while sitting in silence, staring straight ahead? Ok, there are two VERY important things to learn from going to a movie – seating preference and talking during the show. Both of these things can be important in the long run. However, I feel that you can wait to learn if your date will be constantly chatting during a movie until you decide if you like other things about them.

After our date, he did follow up with an email stating he was glad we didn’t see the movie and got a chance to talk. I was glad that I got an opportunity to have real, in depth conversation with him.

While there’s no future between us (no chemistry!) I felt that I was able to make a real, sincere decision about it because we got the chance to talk. Had we seen the movie, we may not have gotten to know each other well enough, and it could have ended up wasting our time and allowing someone to get hurt.

So when planning a first date, especially a blind date, remember to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid.) Deciding if there will be a kiss goodnight is totally up to you!

So, why do the cheesy pick up lines never work? Well, they are cheesy and we’ve all heard them before. However, we all know someone that’s met someone in a bar.

So, what’s the secret? Why do some guys (and girls) get the digits and others get rejected? I’ve found that there are 3 major components to approaches that work in person.

Clean

Clean as in not overtly sexual, or downright crude. “Nice shoes, wanna f***” just won’t cut it. Instead, something that’s polite and identifies the other person as a human rather than a sex object is a much better approach. And while the nice shoes line could possibly work – do you really want the person that would work on? Physical compliments can be used for things like a smile – but not for body parts like breasts or butts.

Cute

By cute I mean several things. Original, funny, personalized to the situation. Something that shows some clear thought. How flattering is it to know that someone was thinking about how to approach you? It’s much more flattering then a “How do you like your eggs in the morning” at last call. Using a well known line doesn’t do anything to make you stand out. Use something in the current situation to make your approach unique to right here and now.

Confidence

This is important! Yes, the opposite sex is scary as hell, and most of us don’t look forward to rejection. However, most people are attracted to confident people. So speak up, sound sure of yourself. Make eye contact and smile. While rejection is a possibility, don’t approach someone apologetically or sure of defeat.

The 3 C’s in Action

The night before my birthday I was out with some friends for karaoke. At midnight, a group of the guys I know got together and had the entire bar sing Happy Birthday to me. How cool is that. One of them came up to me later and the conversation went something like this:

Him: I have a birthday present for you.

Me: You do?

Him: Yes, but it comes with a condition.

Me: (One eyebrow raised) A condition?

Him: (He pulls three little stuffed animals out from behind his back.) I’m good at the claw game, and you can have your choice, but I get your number so I can take you out sometime.

Me: Take me out where?

Him: Anywhere you want.

So I picked a bear, gave him my number, even though he was not a guy I would have picked out as a potential date. His approach was what won me over and got me thinking about how his “pick up” worked when others had not.