such ridiculosity

The Dresses! The Jewels! The Oscars!

2010-03-10T07:50:00.000-08:00

Gah - I had a poor showing on Oscar picks Sunday night...I correctly predicted only 12 out of my 19 categories. If that were a math test, I'd have failed miserably. I thought Avatar would do slightly better than, what? Two wins? Jimmy Cameron's gonna have some 'splaining to do...

My quick thoughts on the broadcast:

- I thought Steve and Alec did a pretty good job as hosts, but my threshold for hosts is pretty low - so long as Billy Crystal isn't there hamming it up, I'm pleased as punch.

- One thing I noticed - NO ONE tripped! That must be a record or something.

- NPH doing a showtune-style intro? I loved it.

- I totally teared up when they did the John Hughes in memoriam/retrospective. That man's work really got me through childhood and adolescence. Plus, did you see the clip of Alec from She's Having A Baby? That man's former gorgeousness almost took my breath away. He's an attractive - if paunchy - middle-aged man now, but he was drop-dead fiiiiiiine back in the day.

And now, on to the sparkly finery...

THE LADYBROADS.

My fave dresses:

Helen Mirren. That woman is untouchably awesome. She exudes class and sophisticosity.

(via JustJared.buzznet)

Queen Latifah. I have never seen her look better. And I loved that color on her.

(via JustJared.buzznet)

Jennifer Lopez. I wish the color was warmer, maybe a champagne, but she looked like a straight CONFECTION.

(via zap2it)

Penelope Cruz. Looked gorgey. Shame about that stupid accent.

(via JustJared)

Cameron Diaz. It's hard for me to admit that she looked good last night. I'm so used to despising her horrible dress choices, unkempt hair and greasy face. But she pulled her shiz together and looked awesome.

(via elespectador)

My "meh" dresses:

Sandra Bullock. Perfect except for that lonely little epaulet. I get that the over-the-shoulder hair was meant to balance it out, but the look did not work for me. If that lil' bit o' fabric had been pulled off, she'd have been much higher on my list.

(via the Telegraph)

SJP. The hair was a vision, but the dress made me claustrophobic just looking at it. That strip of fabric across her clavicles made me feel as if I were choking on her behalf. When I saw her fuss at it onstage, I very literally yelled out "Ha! See, she's FUSSING! It doesn't work!"

(via GMAnews)

Vera Farmiga. That color was absolutely devine, but she just didn't have the personality to bring it off correctly.

(via AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Rachel McAdams. It was a lovely dress. But for the SAG Awards, maybe. Seemed too casual for Oscar. (via AP Photo/Matt Sayles)

Tina Fey. When are we gonna give the one-shouldered look a rest, Tina? I'm so wearied by her choices. (via USAToday)

Carey Mulligan. Firstly, I hate the blonde hair. Secondly, that dress was gorgeous from the knees up. When they panned down to show her hemline and those horrific shoes, I was appalled. (via Daily Mail)

My "Oh Lawd" dresses:

Zoe Saldana. She had me until I noticed the front slit up her leg. For some reason, that killed it for me.

(via My Fashion Life)

Kathryn Bigelow. I told my friend Shaz "That looks like a poorly-fitting 90s prom dress. And who does she think she is, not wearing any Spanx? EVERY WOMAN WITH MORE THAN 0.5% BODY FAT MUST WEAR THE SPANX." Oh, and PS - check out mah guns, everybody!

(via Daily Mail)

Gabourey Sidibe. She's done so much better this awards season. But I did not like this dress. She looked like she was wearing water wings. (via Huffington Post)

Charlize Theron. Those rose boobies were completely off-putting.

(via The Blemish)

THE MENFOLKS.

The only man I even registered on the red carpet (besides a very mangy-looking Keanu) was Robert Downey Jr. Shaz said "Oh, look - he matched his bowtie to his wife's dress! How prom!" And I replied, "Wait - her dress looks black and silver. He didn't match her dress - he matched his GLASSES!" Upon further review and innerwebs research, I believe she did have some iridescent teal going on there, so maybe we were both right. And one thing's for sure - that was a great dress.

During the show, however, I was happy to see that gorgeous hunk o' man Bradley Cooper presenting with Gerard Butler. He's just downright dreamy!

Hope you all enjoyed the show. I know I'll be crossing my fingers that Oscar 2011 comes along quickly!

Oscar Night 2010!

2010-03-07T11:56:00.000-08:00

It's Oscar Night! It's Oscar Night!

I didn't quite get my act together in time this year, but I think I made a pretty good run at watching most of the nominated films this year. No, not all of them, but I made a good dent in watching the ones that matter. And how do I determine which films are worthy of watching?

Well, I don't, actually.

I leave that to my friend Amy, who puts together an Oscar list every year of all the most important categories. She has the top 6, of course - Best Picture, Best Director, Actress, Actor, Supporting Actor and Supporting Actress. But she also lists the behind-the-scenes categories, such as makeup and costumes, cinematography, sound, songs and screenplays.

And it is from Amy's list that I plan my Oscar Assault each year. The 2010 list is shown below. There were 34 films on the list this year, and I managed to make my way through 23 of them. That's almost 70%, and as far as I'm concerned, that ain't too shabby. In fact, if you were to count the few movies I'd snuck into for a few minutes in between the showings I'd actually planned, I could add another two to my list. But the fact o' the matter was that there was no effin' way I was gonna sit through the entirety of The Princess and the Frog or The White Ribbon. No way, no how.

So here's how it played out:

The 23 films I saw were:

A Serious Man - Terrible. Turned it off halfway through. Shame on you, Coen Brothers.

An Education - Creeped me out. Letting your 16-year-old date a dude in his late 20s/early 30s? Those parents should be ashamed of themselves.

Avatar - Spectacular effects, a story we've seen a gajillion times. Too long.

Bright Star - Booooorrrring. So very boring. I know love stories back in the day were awfully chaste, but seriously? Someone needed to take a few notes on building the romantic tension from Pride & Prejudice (not that shizzy Keira Knightley vehicle - I'm talkin' about the BBC show with Colin Firth).

Coco Before Chanel - Not bad for a movie you have to read.

Coraline - Very dark. I almost reconsidered my distaste for animated films after this.

Crazy Heart - Jeff Bridges is The Man, not The Dude. Loved all the parts that didn't contain Maggie Gyllenhall, the human pretzel.

District 9 - Liked the apartheid parallels, loved Sharlto Copley, nice effects.

Fantastic Mr Fox - Loved it! Might exceed Bottle Rocket as my favorite Wes Anderson film.

Harry Potter - I always enjoy films in the Harry Potter saga. Call me a 12-year-old. I'm cool with it.

Il Divo - Ech. Didn't make it all the way through this one.

In The Loop - Very funny. And Jay and I continue to fall to pieces whenever we think of the line "I hate to see a woman bleed at the mouth. It reminds me of that Country and Western music, which I cannot abide." The most quote-tastic movie of the year, I promise you.

Inglourious Basterds - Christophe Waltz was fantastic. The rest of the movie was tough to stay interested in.

Julie & Julia - Meh. I guess it was fine. Didn't really care for the book, didn't really care for the movie. Meryl did a nice job, though.

Precious - I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing this movie. And I would have, but for the fact it was included in the Best Picture race, and I felt compelled to see all of those films. It was, in the words of my friend Amy, "Vile. One of the harshest movies I've ever seen." I totally agree.

Sherlock Holmes - I've enjoyed past Guy Ritchie films, and I love Robert Downey Jr. But there were entirely too many explosions, and I didn't buy Rachel McAdams as a seductress/con-woman.

Star Trek - Excellent (see my detailed thoughts below).

The Blind Side - I felt emotionally manipulated by this film. I guess that was the point, right? But it seemed like the most far-fetched "true story" ever, which annoyed me.

The Hurt Locker - Watching this movie felt like peeling an onion. I liked the slow reveal on the Jeremy Renner character. Of the 10 Best Picture nominees, this is my pick.

The Young Victoria - If the entirety of the film were as interesting as the last 20-30 minutes, I might not have nodded off in the theater.

Transformers - I watched this with half of one eye while sitting at the computer. Ugh. Even that was too much attention paid to such a hot mess.

Up! - Liked it quite muchly. Definitely reconsidered my distaste for animated films after watching this one in 3D at the theater.

Up In The Air - Love George Clooney, love director Jason Reitman. My second choice after Hurt Locker of the movies nominated for Best Picture.

I say "...of the movies nominated for Best Picture" because there are others that should have made the list. In fact, I tell you this for free - the 10 nominees should have included these notable substitutions: Star Trek instead of A Serious Man, The Hangover instead of An Education and (500) Days of Summer instead of The Blind Side.

That's just my personal opinion, of course. But here's my reasoning...

The Hangover - Yeah, I know I didn't learn anything new from the movie, I didn't feel deeply the moral quandaries of the lead characters or spend countless hours analyzing the actions of the protagonists or the choices of the director or cinematographer. But I definitely identified with waking up from a night of debauchery only to have to follow a series of clues to determine what jackassery had gone on the during the preceding 18 hours. The Hangover wasn't high brow cinema, but it was sure as hell a good time.

Star Trek - As a girl that falls a little on the "geeky" side of the techno-spectrum, I knew I wouldn't have any trouble plugging into this film, but I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised to see how many people "got it" despite the lack of familiarity they may have had with the television program. I myself was subjected to a childhood without cable television (I know, right?! I might as well have been homeless with the suffering I had to endure growing up) so reruns of Star Trek on the regular channels got me through those long afternoons of latchkey-itude back in the day. The movie was filled with backstory, beautiful actors (helllooooo, Capt. Kirk and Bones McCoy!) and fantastic effects. I can appreciate the fact that we've got two sci-fi movies in the Best Picture category, but Star Trek should have been one of them. At a minimum, it should have bumped that disappointment of a Coen Brothers film, A Serious Man, out of contention.

(500) Days of Summer - My favorite, favorite movie of this year. Probably I'd hear a lot of arguments about whether the film could qualify as a Best Picture. I mean, it's set in the present, there's no big-haired Southern woman, no kicked-dog pregnant teenager, and it's about hipster boys that don't wash their hair and independent women that wear unflattering high-waisted pants. That type of film wouldn't normally do it for me. Mainly because of my thinly-veiled hatred of hipsters of all kinds. But Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are two of the most adorable actors out there, and their unconventional love story touched me. If you haven't seen this film yet - do it. DO IT NOW. I guarantee that you'll enjoy it. And if you don't? Well, that just means...you're totally effing dead inside.

Well, that concludes my 2010 Oscar summary, peaches. Tonight, Shaz, Dee and I will be viewing the big show from the Mission Theater, so I'll be back tomorrow with my very important thoughts about Oscars fashion and acceptance speeches! Go on and wait with baited breath, now.

Byeeeee!

Is it wrong that I laughed when I saw this?

2010-03-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

Behold, the inflatable automotive donut pillow:

More importantly, to which ring of hell do you suppose I'll be sent for snapping a photo of said donut pillow?

Follow up question: Do you suppose I care?

Exactly.

Potluck and Bloodsports.

2010-02-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't know, there was a pretty big ass change in my household late last year. You see, mah mans and I (meaning me) made the decision to cancel our cable television programming because we (meaning him) were watching entirely too much television.

It may also have had something to do with the fact that as the bill-paying member of this household, I'd decided to stop being fiscally violated each month by our Verizon FiOS television service. Because really, why is it necessary to pay $60 a month for television programming?

That?

Is obscene.

So I cancelled that bizzatch, and Jay and I switched to Comcast's program for little ol' blue-haired ladies - the $9.99/month service for local channels only. We tried that whole HD over-the air-antenna thing, but it didn't work for some of our old-ass televisions. And yeah, we're two people with four televisions, but what of it?

Don't you judge us.

Like I was saying, we're sans-cable television programming now. And that's not been too bad, actually. Mainly because with the local channel package through Comcast, they also throw in the Discovery Channel, which has been a boon to us.

That may also be due to the fact that it allows us to lose entire days to Deadliest Catch marathons. Don't get crazy - you'd watch it, too. Umm, also? Dirty Jobs marathons. We've failed to get out of our PJs for entire days some weekends.

Don't be jealous, you parent-types. We've got ourselves a serious life of leisure going on over here.

But one super mega bummer of the lack of cable television programming is the fact that we can't order up pay-per-view programming anymore.

No, not for that...get your minds out of the gutter for crissakes!

It sucks because we don't get to order OnDemand items or the monthly Ultimate Fighting Championship programs anymore.

And that is very sad. Cuz you know I like to watch them half-nekkid bloody mens beat each other around the Octagon and errything.

Fortunately, we got some new neighbors a few months ago, and they are all about the UFC. They invited us over last weekend for potluck-slash-bloodsports on Saturday, and the event did not disappoint - on either front.

The first thing I noticed was that they have entirely too nice a house for a couple with a four-year-old child. I mean, really - we have ZERO children, and our place still looks like it's in training for a filming of Hoarders. I mean, not that you'd ever know it if you were to come by, but that's only cuz you've never looked in our closets. You must always STAY OUT OF THE CLOSETS, people. There's nothing to be gained from checking out that situation - just you remember that, mmmkay?

Now where was I? Oh yeah. The UFC.

Okay, so there we were, kickin' it next door at the neighbors' house, checkin' out the Saturday night fights. The fella in the relationship works at Intel, so the house was crowded with other clean-room, bunnysuit-wearing types...which meant for the most part, they weren't nearly as bloodthirsty as yers truly. Actually, I take that back, there was one guy that was whoopin' and hollerin' just as much as me - but prolly he was the "other" for a bunnysuit-wearing chickadee. I mean, I'm just guessing.

Anyhoots - the fights were almost universally badass, particularly this one...

...which is where Stephan Bonnar got hizzass seriously busted up by The Polish Experiment, Krzysztof Soszynski. (Which I mean, really - is that not one of the coolest names in the UFC today? And I'm not just sayin' that cuz I'm half Polish. Or maybe I am. Whatevs.) This fella Stephan bled his lil' heart out in the season finale of The (first) Ultimate Fighter teevee show fighting Forrest Griffin, and displayed a similar tendency to spray his lifeforce all over the Octagon last weekend.

It was gory, folks. The Polish Experiment opened a big ol' gash on his forehead, and thus began the filling of the ring with Bonnar Blood. The fight was eventually stopped by the doctor-on-the-scene, something I hear Bonnar is contesting now. But really, I don't understand how that fool could even see what was coming at him, what with all that stuff coursing down over his eyes.

Regardless, I enjoyed the evening immensely, and am happy to say I didn't embarrass myself too much so as to preclude future invites for UFC events.

Which, let's be honest here - is quite fortuitous, given the fact that I'm never going to hand over my hard-earned cash to the cable company again.

I needs me that invite, yo.

And now it seems I've got it. Boo-to-the-yeah!

C-A-R-A-M-E-L

2010-02-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

Today I did something I've never done before.

I told my hairchick that I was unhappy with my hairdid and asked for a do-over.

Normally, I'd hold my tongue...mainly because the difference between and bad haircut and a good haircut is a mere two weeks. But this time it wasn't the cut that inspired major angst in my life - it was the color.

My sister and I go to the same salon, and until late last week, we both had the same hairchick. But I decided to give one of the other women in the salon a try - for two reasons, 1) it meant the sister and I could get our hair done at the same time, rather than back-to-back, and 2) because I wasn't so much clickin' with our hairchick. And that may have had everything to do with the fact that I couldn't understand 55% of the things she said.

You know I'm not good with deciphering that English-as-a-Second-Language scene.

Everything appeared to be going really well with the new chick, Hairchick #2. She even managed to talk me into a different style and whacked about 4 inches off my hair, creating a nice lil' a-line bob that just hits my shoulders. I wasn't sure about it then, but by the next day I really liked the cut.

The color, however...hmmm. I told her I wanted to add a few highlights, but nothing in the reddish category. When I emerged from the shampooing station, my brown hair was laced with super-light blonde highlights. I realized that the high contrast between the colors would lessen once my hair was dried, so I kept my mouth shut and waited it out.

Finally my hair was dry and she spun me around to face the mirror.

Oh. My. Gawd.

It was waaaaaaaay too light. And under the fluorescent lights of the salon, it looked weird. It looked almost...almost gray or something.

I realized I wasn't giving Hairchick #2 the happy look of gratitude she was expecting and I explained that it usually takes me a bit to get used to a new style. I paid her and made my way home, where mah mans took one look at me and said "Ummm, why does your hair look grey?"

Shizzsticks.

I did my best to like the hair color - I did - but it wasn't working at all. I called the salon on Saturday morning and bashfully asked whether I could come back for an adjustment. The only available time was the middle of the day on Monday.

Of course.

I was aggravated that I had to take time off work to drag my azz downtown for the fix, but it was very necessary in my opinion. I strolled into the salon today and was promptly informed that Hairchick #1 would be handling the color fix. What the what? Did Hairchick #2 fire me or something? "Great," I thought, "Now I'm gonna have to find a new salon altogether."

But it wasn't so bad, actually. In fact, it was pretty much a nonevent. I got outfitted with the cape, placed in the shampoo chair and she started massaging something into my hair. After just a couple of minutes, she washed that stuff out, shampooed and conditioned my hair and sent me back to her station. A few minutes later, my hair was dry and just about the perfect color. The super-blonde bits were toned down and my head was looking all golden-y again. I loved it.

As we walked out, Hairchick #1 told me that it was simply a matter of applying a toner to my hair after washing out the color. She told me that I should be sure to remind Hairchick #2 to use the toner by telling her to use what sounded like "cah-mah" on my hair.

"Comma?" I asked, "is that a brand name?"

"No," she said, "cah-mah is the color - you tell her you want cah-mah."

Oh.

She meant caramel. That I want caramel-colored hair.

Why the two of them can't just write this shiz down, I do not know. I feel like it sure would save a lot of time and energy if there was a friggin' recipe for creating my perfectly tinted head o' hair.

It's times like this that Jay's do-it-hisself clipper cuts sound so appealing.

But I swear to sweet baby jebus, if he comes near me one more time with those clippers under the guise of saving money at the salon, I will cut him.

Sigh. Being a girl is hard.

Now we're cookin'...

2010-02-21T18:18:00.001-08:00

I'm the first to admit that my cooking repertoire is awfully limited. I can follow a recipe, and I've made some pretty tasty meals in my time, but cooking isn't something that I lurrrrvvve to do or anything. Cooking is simply the means to an end I like to call "Git in mah bellay."

My lack of interest and inventiveness at the oven also extend to the camping trips Jay and I have taken over our years together. I tried to always plan meals that we could cook primarily by stick. I mean, first of all - who doesn't like meat cooked on sticks? NO ONE, that's who. Secondly, skewer-based meals meant less clean-up time, time I could spend digesting my vittles and staring blankly into the campfire, possibly sipping a delightful peartini (what? doesn't everyone take a cocktail mixer when they go camping?)

But last year on our annual (yeah it was only the second time, but twice makes tradition, people) Presidents Day weekend trip to southeast Oregon, we met up with our friends Jon and Amy - and they do things a bit differently. You see, they rolled into camp on Valentine's Day with a dutch oven packed full of hunks of beef and 'taters. After the fire produced some nice ember action, Jon threw that bad boy right into the ring and not too much time later, we were eating like kings. Gluttonous kings.

I knew then and there that camp cookin' was never going to be the same for Jay and I.

The only problem? I didn't know jack diddly about cooking with cast iron. In fact, the previous summer, I'd purchased a nice Lodge skillet, used it once, and completely jacked it up. Rather than figure out what went wrong (seasoning? what's that you say?) I tossed it into a corner of our garage and forgot about it. I didn't want to post a photo of what I'd done to this poor skillet, but you should know, it looked worse than this:

photo via goons with spoons

Seriously. I should have my foodhandlers card taken away (you know, if I had one).

Before we headed out on this year's trip to the desert southeast (see! a third year in a row! that's a tradition if I've ever heard one), I was determined to figure out this dutch oven bidness. So I turned to the innerwebs. I learned all about selecting your dutch oven - and most importantly - how to season a dutch oven.

Just after we returned from our first trip across the river to the hot springs, Jay got the fire going while I assembled my pre-chopped meat and veggies to make Byron's Dutch Oven Pot Roast from this-a-here web site.

Perfection, in process.

I don't think I can express to you the deliciousness of this meal. The rosemary definitely had something to do with it, but so did the sweet, sweet realization that I'd figured out how to prepare a meal over a campfire without utterly destroying my cookware.

We had waaaaaay too much food left over in the end, but I packed it away in the cooler and we availed ourselves of the leftovers on Sunday night. Before reheating everything, I cut the fist-sized chunks of pot roast into 1-inch pieces, tossed them in the pot with the potatoes and carrots and added some beef stock. A hot minute or 30 later, we had ourselves some bomb-ass beef stew.

Yeah, I don't think I'm ever going back to the skewers.

* Note: Thanks to the fantastic Lodge website, I had the confidence to tackle rehabbing that rusty ol' skillet in the garage today. I sanded away all the rust with a piece of very fine sandpaper, washed it, oiled it up and threw it in the oven for an hour. While it doesn't exactly look *good as new*, it might actually be better - cuz now it's seasoned!

Thoughts on Google Buzz...

2010-02-18T12:18:00.000-08:00

I was initially quite concerned about Google Buzz's linkage between innerwebs personas. I like to keep my personal and professional web presences nice and separate, and I was awfully freaked that all my tweets, Facebook posts and Flickr photos could be seen by anyone with my Gmail address. A lady likes to maintain a bit of mystery, amiright?

But after watching some of my friends' comments and shared items come up on Buzz, I decided to give that bad boy a try. I opted to start out slow, only linking my Google Reader profile to Buzz. I'm not ready for everyone in my address book to see the stuff I post on FB or this here bloggity blog, after all.

So this morning, I posted a comment to the Buzz saying this:

craigslist electronics trolling is crazy addictive. I WANT ALL THE GADGETS.

And not long after, one of the dudes in my CD club (once a year, we each post a carefully selected digital playlist with the 11 others in the group - new music every month!) commented on my post, saying "this is even more addictive http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/"

And oh my giddygods, he's totally right.

I have a feeling my lunchtime is going to be spent exhaustively studying the pure comedy gold of some of these posts.

Like, oh, I dunno - THIS one:

Found: Shirt, Bra, Thong and Vomit

Date: 2009-11-20, 6:14PM MST

Friday Morning Found behind 3665 JFK Parkway Building 2 - near corner of Horsetooth.

All CSI work done on the end of a stick.

White shirt with some vomit on it - no obvious logos.
Nice black bra size B+ ish (I guess) with light shorter length dog hair on it.
Thong - black, may have been recently hot. (Looked like some hair scrunchie thing with an extra loop - estimated waist size 8 inches).
Vomit - looked like vomit - you know - diced carrots and slime.

Clean up Kit used - already mentioned shirt plus napkins from Chipotle grill takeaway. (You didn't finish all your takeaway?) If you were at Chipotle grill on Thursday night, have a dog, and are missing underwear - you now know where you were later Thursday night.

Just one thing to say, isn't Chipotle the greatest!

CSI on the end of a stick signing off. (I hope it was not the C part)

Location: Fort Collins

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1475465393

Pardon me.

2010-02-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. I should probably be blogging about the day I spent with 1,400 women, 70% of which had godawful hair...or maybe the WineBookClub getaway I took to Central Oregon...or maybe the fact that I dragged mah mans out to the hinterlands of Eastern Oregon this weekend.

Instead, I'm glued to the television, sucking up all the Olympics viewing I can possibly absorb. I'm a big fan of the snowboard cross racing, the slalom racing, and even the curling, people.

But one thing I can't stand?

Men's figure skating. Look, that's just how I feel, okay? Really thin dudes with giant noses, wearing tights and spangles, flitter-fluttering around the rink? No freakin' thank you. I can tolerate the men in the figure skating pairs competition, but just barely.

What I'm especially excited about this year is the lil' fella there in the photo below. Yeah, that guy with the reddish mane, posted up in his leopard leggings, kickin' it with Tony Hawk.

He's Shaun White, the skateboardin' snowboarder.

And I luuuurve him.

He's just about the cutest ginger-headed thing I've ever seen. And he's taking to the halfpipe again shortly. So I'll just have to bid y'alls a big ol' adieu.

PS - I was not aware of this whole "biathlon" competition bidness. Skiing and rifle-shooting? That sounds just like my kind of jam. I'd ski and shoot the shiz out of those mammerjammers, yo.

That's what I call switcheroonie style.

2010-02-09T16:58:00.000-08:00

Eleven months ago today, my sweet baby nephew was born. A few days later, my sister came home from the hospital with her lil' babe and an assortment of goodies packed away for her by the hospital.

Some of those things she needed - the diapers and wipes, the medicine for The Nephew's wee belly button, etc...but there were a few things they sent her with that she didn't need.

And her husband made sure to dispense with those items in the sneakiest, most underhanded ways possible.

Here's a for-instance for ya...the night they were all first home from the hospital, a bunch of us were over to celebrate the new family's homecoming. My sister was away nursing the wee one, and I was in the kitchen pouring myself a glass of wine - as I'm wont to do - when my brother in law called out to me:

Brother-In-Law: Hey there - is this a new bag?

Me: Yes! I got myself the hookup over at the Columbia Sportswear Employee Store. It's cool, right?

BiL: Yeah, I like it.

Me: I think it's supposed to be a tote bag, but I've got my wallet and everything in there. It's a great bag for going back and forth from work.

BiL: Uhhuhmmm...

Now, I should have been at least slightly concerned about this exchange, since my brother in law isn't really interested in things like tote bags unless they're constructed of leather and he's put them together himself with all his Ye Olde Worldery leatherworking supplies. But you see, I was all giddy on new aunthood and everything and couldn't be bothered to notice.

Sometime within the next few days, I had occasion to go searching for something in my fancypants new tote bag.

It so happened that I was at work at the time.

And since I was having a hard time finding what I was looking for, I started pulling things out of my bag and tossing them on my desk...and then I saw a smallish white disk in the bottom of my bag. I had no idea how the item had come to be in my bag, and as I pulled it out, there wasn't much I could do beyond look quizzically at this item, which made absolutely zero sense being in my bag.

It was a brand new container of Tucks Hemorrhoid Pads.

"What the...?!?," I thought, then "Ohhhh, that rat bastard."

So the brother in law thought he'd be slick and pass off some unnecessary hospital items to me, huh? "Oh, just wait," I thought, "I'll get him back."

Unfortunately, his birthday came and went last year and I didn't remember to wrap the Tucks up nice and give them to him as a super special birthday present.

But last week was my sister's birthday, and I didn't forget this time...

And you know what? I think she liked 'em! At least she's smiling, right?

Happy Birthday, Sweet Sister!

An assignment.

2010-02-04T12:49:00.000-08:00

See these sushi minicakes? I need some.

Like, immediately.

photo via epicute

This? Might not work.

2010-02-04T06:56:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I attended one of those at-home sales party things at my new neighbor's house. She was hawkin' something called Scentsy, which I thought had a rick-diculous name, but wanted to check out. These Scentsy things are scented wax warmers that plug into the wall and heat wax using a small appliance light bulb.

I've always loved burning candles, but Jay is not at all a fan. He doesn't like the soot that collects on the walls and ceilings, and he's always worried I'll forget to blow one out - and I've gotta be honest here - he's got a point. Because, uhhh...yeah, that's happened before.

And given the fact that the house directly behind our next door neighbor is sitting vacant because of a recent fire (disgruntled roommate kicked in the door and set that betch on FIRE - nice, huh?), Jay's a big ol' fan of putting safety first on the candle front.

So I ordered myself one of the warmers and some of the bazillion scents the company offers. My selections included Enchanted Mist, which has some apple and jasmine notes, Green Tea Smoothie (delicious!) And White Tea and Cactus. As of last night, we'd tried the first two for a few weeks and liked 'em very well. I was curious about this White Tea and Cactus biz, so I swapped out the scents and waited for the wax to melt and scent the air.

I was over at the desk, sorting out our new wireless router via a phone call to my new best friend Vijay in India, when Jay said "What the hell is that scent you put in the warmer?"

"White Tea and Cactus," I replied.

Jay said, "Well it smells like a cat pissed on a light bulb."

Umm...grosssssssss.

I switched back to Enchanted Mist with a quickness. As I'm sure you would, too.

Amiright?

Damn, that's ewwwy.

2010-02-03T18:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my handy dandy Lonely Planet February e-newsletter, the Eat Something Ewwwy Challenge is back in my head. I feel like I did a pretty good job last year at pushing myself beyond my dietary boundaries, but I didn't quite manage to eat something nasty each month as I'd planned.

So maybe I'll pick it up again for 2010. In fact, I've already gotten one item down - spit-grilled chicken heart! And it was gross. Not as bad as the fried pork skin I had last year, but it was pretty close. The texture of that heart was un-plea-sant. Ugh.

So the Lonely Planet newsletter provided me with some great ideas for this year's continuing challenge...

Mmmm...crispy scorpions! Sign me up!

Giant-ass grubs? Uhhhh...I don't know if I can hang.

Pigfaces? I pass.

According to Lonely Planet, this stuff is chicha, a fermented beverage made from corn, cassava or fruit. It's chewed to break down the starches in the material, which means there is a significant amount of human spittle in this drink. HOLY JEBUS that is disgusting.

What in the hell? Are those...are those what I think they are? Are those testicles? And the red things...those are veins or something?

Oh god. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Becoming Jon Hamm.

2010-02-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

Most of you ought to know the name Don Draper by now. The show Mad Men has been everywhere for the last couple of years, even winning a Golden Globe just a few weeks back. The show features the world of advertising in the 60s, filled with cocktails, cigarette smoke and (ironic? maybe) misogyny.

Actually, I don't know anything about the show. I've never seen it because I declared jihad on cable television programming in my house sometime before figuring out where exactly AMC fell on the channel lineup.

Whatever. I read about it.

Okay?

Anyway, I know who Don Draper is. He's played by this one square-jawed fella named Jon Hamm. So there.

He's this guy:

Scotch, scotch, scotch, I love scotch.

Many people find him very attractive.

Moving right along...I'd imagine fewer of you probably know about Galatea George, but lemme be straight with you - she entertains the hell outta me. She's not blogging as frequently these days (like that doesn't sound familiar, eh, pally-o types?), and to make up for it, she recently provided a guest post from her homie Rupert.

And in his quite hilarious guest post, Rupert described his various new year's resolutions (Item 1 - Make a list of resolutions, so when you've completed the list, you can immediately check one item off the list! Win-win!). But it was Item 4 on Rupert's list that truly caught my eye, reprinted here for your reading pleasure:

4. Become Jon Hamm

'Mancrush' would certainly be the word to describe my feelings toward award-winning actor Jon Hamm, if there was a word to describe my feelings toward award-winning actor Jon Hamm, but there isn't such a word. The feelings that I have toward Jon Hamm are complex, strange, and confusing to say the least. I'll attempt to sum them up (I've bullet pointed the following short list to make it seem manlier):

- I would like to go on an adventure with Jon Hamm, where we fight enemies together and fire crossbows and somebody saves somebody else from a deadly fall by grabbing their arm at the last second and screams "don't you let go!" and maybe there's a castle at some point.

- In another scenario, I'd like to walk through a busy casino with Jon Hamm in slow-motion. There would be a sense of urgency in this walk; we're not rushing, but we definitely have places to be. And we're wearing really nice suits.

- I'd also like to relive the events of the movie Space Camp with Jon Hamm, but in real life.

The post goes on a bit about how Rupert wants to Single White Female up Jon Hamm and be the Corey Feldman to his Michael Jackson, which is all just about awesome. Now, I'd wager that having a violent adventure, strolling in fine suitery and blasting off into outer space with Jon Hamm aren't likely to happen. But at least this guy's got goals, right?

Which brings me to my 2010 resolutions...and I'm slackin', folks. I haven't written 'em down yet, and we're one month into the new year already! Embarrassing.

So here's my first crack at the list of 2010 resolutions:

1. Make a list of resolutions (zing!)

2. Pat self on the back for making it through (mostly) Sober January.

3. Get thee to the multiplex for Oscar prep movie-watchin'.

4. Seriously reconsider recent thoughts about expanding the 2009 Eat Something Ewwwy Challenge into 2010. Wasn't one year enough? (but I did have that chicken heart at dinner last night...)

5. Play more Boggle (so as to not embarrass self at future family game nights).

6. Take a relaxing vacation with mah mans, one that doesn't require a ton of driving or sleeping outside in single-digit temperatures (since that's soooo not his fave).

7. Get back on the bloggin' horse.

8. Become Jon Hamm.*

*just jokes! I'd way rather become Christina Hendricks. Cuz she's va-va-va-voom!

Kinda sorta the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I wanted.

2010-01-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the end of one of the most pain-in-the-ass weeks of my life. Last week, I saw a naturopath for the first time. Say what you will about naturopaths, but I figure it's worth a shot. I've been dealing with migraines for the past few years, and all the drugs that my doc's been giving me haven't helped one bit. And I'm lookin' for options, people.

So I went to this naturopath, and he tells me that my headbone's connected to my stomachbone, and if my stomachbone ain't happy about somethin', then my headbone just might be letting me know about it. So anywayz, he suggested maybe cutting out some stuff in a detox-y like way to see whether I feel any better. And if, after a few weeks I do notice a difference, then I can add one thing back at a time to see whether I have a clear sensitivity to something.

Now, I'm not one for depriving myself of things, so cutting anything out of my diet didn't sound like a super fun dealio. But if it meant no stomachbone and headbone probs? Sign me the hell up.

With a quickness, like.

So since last Tuesday, I've been off gluten, dairy products and alcohol. Well, there was a bit of a stumble during the Haiti benefit dinner I attended last Thursday (benefiting the Mangrove Fund - donate now!) but that slice of cornbread, the few bites of chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream, not to mention the two delicious Ginger Drop cocktails were TOTALLY FRIGGIN' WORTH IT!

It hasn't been too awful, really. There's all kinds of gluten-free products available at the local New Seasons Market, and it's not too terribly difficult to throw together stuff I can eat. But as my mom said this morning "Oh, you're gonna have to learn how to COOK!" Okay, look - I know how to cook, but it's certainly not my favorite thing ever. And I'm a big fan of shortcuts, but shortcuts - I am now aware - typically contain the dreaded gluten. So I can't be a lazyass about food prep anymore. This, again, is something I can deal with if it means no headaches.

But I do miss my bread products somethin' fierce. And sometimes sweet things.

SOMETIMES LIKE TODAY. RIGHT NOW. NOWWWWWWWW.

So I asked Jason if he could pick up a couple items at the store today on his way home. I wanted to make Renee's delishy-lish Ina Garten Peanut Butter and Jelly Bars, so I needed some gluten-free flour, some peanut butter and baking powder.

He came home with this:

And then this happened...

Me: Soooo...this is gluten flour.

Jay: Right.

M: It says "Vital Wheat Gluten Flour."

J: Yeah, I know - that's what you wanted me to get. It's what you texted me.

M: No it's not. I asked you to get GLUTEN-FREE flour.

J: Isn't that what I bought?

M: Nope, this is like entirely gluten. It's like 100% gluten.

J: So that's pretty much the total opposite of what you wanted then, right?

M: Uhh, yeah.

J: Oh, whoops. Sorry. [returns to his solitaire game]

And therefore, I am having a peanut butter and jelly bar-free evening. And I'm not at all happy about it. Sure, I can make them tomorrow. But I wanted them tonight.

Stupid detox-y deprivation diet.

But on the plus side, no headaches since Thursday! So that's kinda badass.

More sharesies

2010-01-21T06:32:00.000-08:00

A while back, I was introduced to Epicute: The Cute Food Blog. It's pretty much adorable. The site features all kinds of delicious little goodies, food-styled like a sumbetch.

I myself don't go in for the creation of cute foodstuffs. I don't see the point in spending all that time making something all adorable - I mean, especially if you're gonna just NOM NOM NOM it with a quickness.

But this stuff is just crazy.

I mean, they're so cute, how can you eat these lil' teeny tiger faces?

They are ador-uh-bull...

Crown cupcakes! Hurrah!

Peeps!

Some sharesies for you

2010-01-20T08:55:00.000-08:00

Go check out Sleep Talkin' Man. Like, immediately.

I started off this Wednesday morning hating everyone and everything, but then I visited this site, written by a woman who records her husband's sleeptalkin' episodes and then blogs about them the next day. As someone who has her very own Sleep Talkin' Man at home, I can fully appreciate such hilariosity as:

- "My badger's gonna unleash hell on your ass. Badgertastic!"

- "No, not the cats. Don't trust them. Their eyes. Their eyes. They know too much."

- "Hey, don't... don't say anything. Why don't you put it in an email, then I can ignore it at my pleasure."

Thank jebus for the mood-enhancing powers of the innerwebs. I thought I'd have to spend some quality time with the Lolcats, but just a few posts in on Sleep Walkin' Man had me smiling from ear to ear.

Brace yourselves.

2010-01-04T21:13:00.000-08:00

I know I've been all absent and everything, but I've been out there, IN THE WORLD, people. Checkin' things out, seeing things my eyes can't UN-SEE. It ain't been pretty, folks. But it sure has been entertaining.

Sometimes in a gross way.

You'll see what I'm talking about.

First up, a book I spied at the Lacey, Washington Cabela's store when Jay and I were searching out Christmas pressies for his dad. I was so bummed that I couldn't come up with any ideas on who I could give this book to. The photograph will just have to do.

A friggin' UNICORN! This one was spotted in its natural, illuminated habitat within the Oregon Zoo's ZooLights display.

Whilst perusing the various Black Friday offerings at Fred Meyer, it was awfully hard to keep my hands off Santa's thong-style banana hammock. IT HAD BELLS, PEOPLE.

Elevator art on the public transit system now comes WITH TESTES.

This was hands down the most hideous skirt I've ever seen - it was just bits and pieces of sweaters sewn together. Typical Portland hipster jackass...can't live with 'em, can't run 'em over with your SUV.

Rick-diculous 3-D glasses at the Avatar IMAX show, as modeled by mah mans and Knuckle Len. I particularly love the clueless man in the background, prolly ever-so-puzzled by the wearing of silly glasses outside the theater proper.

Sticker on a car next to mine in the parking lot at work. Gotta love that sentiment.

Look, you'd think shopping at Pier One would be somewhat refined, right? I mean, it's no Pottery Barn or Crate & Barrel, but it's not like the Nascar bunch shop there or anything. I mean, so far as I know, they don't sell a lot of neon signs and Dale Jr. t-shirts. You know what they do have, though? Elderly women wearing shearling jackets, cropped denim and suede Mary Janes. Oh, what's that? What's wrong with an elderly woman in a shearling jacket, cropped denim and suede Mary Janes?

THESE FRIGGIN' LEGS, THAT'S WHAT.

And last, but certainly not least...this alluring rear view was staring me smack in the face at the local grocery store. I felt like I'd somehow been magically transported to the People of Walmart website or something.

Also? I lost my appetite for like, a week after seeing this.

See what I mean about not being able to un-see some things? Don't say I didn't warn you...

Thank Jebus for Jaywalking

2009-12-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

Jay Leno's Jaywalking segment on last night's show was fan-freakin'-tastic. Mainly because it featured three of the castmates from Jersey Shore, a show that is rapidly becoming my most guilty of guilty pleasures.

I've got to believe that the bit was somewhat pre-scripted (how could they have come by a photo of Lionel Ritchie so quickly?!) but there's no doubt in my mind that some of those answers were genuine.

Genuine HILARITY, that is.

The Coolest Christmas Gift Evrahs

2009-12-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the annual Girlgang Gift Exchange party. Shaz, Kates, Jodles and I got together to grub on some tasty carbs, drink some delish Spanish coffees and open nifty gifties over at Shazzy's house.

My gifties were awesome - owl earrings from Jodles, hot choco mix and an adorbs cup/saucer set from Kates...but I've got to say, there's something so perfect...so amazingly ME...about the present I got from Shazzy.

Behold, the pink princess flask:

I'm thinking of taking it with me EVERYWHERE.

Remember Muggn?

2009-12-11T06:16:00.000-08:00

I myself can't possibly forget Muggn. It's only one of the most amah-zing websites out there in the ether, people. And here's a few of my recent faves.

What's going on here? And why did the video for Thriller suddenly

pop into my head?

Yeah, I'm just guessin' here, but I think she supplemented her head with some synthetic hair-did action.

How much does this guy remind me of all the pix of Tiger Woods lately without his ball cap? SO MUCH.

Pretty sure this chick is coming off a helluva meth bender...and that she's likely also being featured on Jersey Douchebags.

When did Famke Janssen* get giant fake boobalas?
And develop her crank habit?

Who the hell put this Delta Gamma sorority headshot
in with the booking photos?

*Disclaimer: not Famke Janssen. But seriously...there's a resemblance, amiright?

Bucky, It's Cold Outside...

2009-12-09T20:35:00.001-08:00

You may not be aware of this, but it has been cooooooooold in P-town lately. The last four days, we haven't managed to rise above freezing. Yesterday it was 15 degrees when I woke up. FIFTEEN DEGREES!!!

I texted a friend of mine in Boise about this crazy cold weather, and received the following response: "minus 1 at my house this morn."

So, clearly - no sympathy was to be found there.

Around the office, most of my coworkers have swapped Gore-Tex for wool peacoats, hats and gloves in an effort to beat the wicked cold.

Except Bucky. Bucky had a different plan entirely.

You see, this fella went ahead and pulled his old-skool puffy NFL Starter jacket out of the closet and wore it nice and proudly into the office.

Now, I didn't see him walk in this morning, but Renee had to go ahead and make sure that I knew about the badassedness of Bucky's outerwear selection post haste. She mentioned that she'd had a nice toasty walk into work because she'd taken a hint from him and dug out her big ol' puffy down jacket.

"Wait. Bucky's wearing a giant women's down jacket?" I asked.

"No," Renee said, "Better." And she called out to Bucky to model his fancypants jacket.

Oh. My. Gawd.

I had to admit, it was one of the most fantastic things I'd ever seen. An actual, authentic Starter jacket worn in the office? And not by one of my coworkers' misdirected children? Pure awesome.

Bucky busted out some poses for us in the hallway as I grabbed my phone to snap a few shots, asking "Should I throw up a set or something?"

"Yesssssss!" we yelled, "Westside!"

Boo to the yeah, y'all.

Han Solo!

2009-12-06T20:05:00.001-08:00

Do you ever see shapes in the clouds overhead? Ever say "Oh yeah, I totally see that!" when someone claims that the image of the Virgin Mary appeared on a piece of toast or under a freeway overpass? I do...like, all the time.

A week or so ago, Renee and I were out and about when suddenly I spied this delivery truck and shouted "HAN SOLO!!!!" and I'm sure almost caused her to wreck the car. I don't think she had any idea what I was going on about, but you see it, right?

How 'bout now?

Oh C'MON NOW! You don't clearly see the hand- and faceprints on the door of the truck? Whaddaya mean? They're right there! I mean, I'll grant you it's not a faithful reproduction of the Han-in-carbonite dealie, but seriously...it's certainly reminiscent of it, right? RIGHT?

Gah.

Nevermind.

Oh, Jay...what have you gotten yourself into now?

2009-12-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

The other day, Jay called to tell me he'd had hisself a lil' misstep at work. It seems he was walking backwards, painting a ceiling...and somehow managed to step into a FIVE GALLON BUCKET full of paint.

Now, I can't speak to the physics of such an error, but I will say this - we're not tall people, Jay and I. And as you can see in the photo, that bucket hits Jay right about the knee level. So how exactly he managed to lift his leg high enough to submerge his right leg in paint, I do not know.

But something I do know?

That I'm hella glad his coworker managed to snap this pic as Jay silently contemplated his brandspankin' new whitefoot.

Those are for one huuuuuuuuge betch.

2009-12-02T06:24:00.000-08:00

Recently, Jay and I went on a scouting trip at the local Goodwill store. Jay had been invited to attend the viewing of one of them thar Oregon Duck foosball games, and he was on the hunt for some UO gear. Of course, bein' that we were in an Oregon-based Goodwill store, that wasn't tough to find. He managed to pick himself up a jersey and a golf jacket. Neither item fit very well - he was straight-up swimmin' in the XL jacket, and I'm pretty certain the jersey was child sized. The thing looked like it was cuttin' off his damn circulation, frankly. Fortunately, he managed to give both items away to more appropriately sized peeps at the party.

While Jay perused the clothing racks, I scoped out the sporting goods section and found a sweet military ammo storage box. And for only $2.99! Of course, it was covered in day-glo kiddie stickers, but those peeled off without any trouble at all. While we were there, Jay and I ran into Renee. She was posted up in the shoe section, lookin' all shifty and such.

It turns out that she was eavesdroppin' on this lil' fella through the racks. When she saw me, she called me over and made me listen in as well. Turns out this dude had just about the highest voice I've ever heard on a guy. He sounded just a little bit like Beaker from the Muppets, except all his meep-meep-meeps were in espanol. Oh, and while we were surreptitiously listening, I also spied a rail thin elderly woman in a fur jacket walking around with a short, curly wig perched upon her head. And it wouldn't have been so fascinating except for the fact that her long grey natural hair was combed down straight and hanging out from underneath the curly wig. Thank jebus for the Saturday entertainment provided by neighborhood thrift stores.

But alla dat was nothin' compared to the shoes Renee found in the ladies shoe section. 'Cuz these ladyshoes? They were bright purple, and the most ginormous heels I'd ever seen. As Renee demonstrates below, those fools were bigger than her damn head.

And clearly donated to the G-Dub by one fierce transvestite.

Doowutchyalike...but that outfit? Is terrible.

2009-12-02T05:37:00.000-08:00

Attention, party people. I saw this outside my office last week:

Are you gettin' this, camera guy? Do you see what this chick is rockin'? By my count, there's three different patterns going on here - stripey socks, leopardy coat, and what appears to be a cheetah on her head.

I saw her and immediately the Digital Underground jumped into my brainpan. I mean, is it just me, or does she bear a striking resemblance to Shock G, aka "Humpty Hump"?

Let's be real, people. You know she does. You KNOW it.