Every once in a while you need to step back and gain a fresh perspective. We’ve tried to plug our noses and forget the stench beatlemania has soured the world with for over forty years, but to no avail. The beatles are the Exxon Valdez of the music industry, and the damage and destruction their tuneless crude has caused to the musical environment will take several months longer to correct than we first imagined. This coming year we vow to stay atop the Deepwater Horizon of beatlemart, the BP of pop, and expose it’s crimes for all to hear (or just turn on the radio and you’ll hear it for yourself).

With that said,

Welcome to the sixth annual Suck My Beatles Free beatles Christmas Cards spectacular!

Once again we’ve tried to leave out the holiday messages so you can give out these beautiful cards all year round! We like to think of it as ‘paying it forward’ as opposed to beatlemarts ‘pay us more, muthafucka.’

To print these cards try holding down Ctrl P, Command P on the Mac, or ask your mom for help if you are a beatle fan.

Proclaim your love of the most overrated, overplayed, over-hyped, sugary pop boy band ever to be crammed down your unwilling gullet. Finally you can walk proudly down the street, holding your head high while watching the heads of the beatle-blind explode when faced with the ugly truth.

Too Hot!

These quality designs have been banned from every online marketplace, and now they can be yours!

How it works

Download the compressed file.
Own a t-shirt.
Black designs are for light shirts, white designs are for dark shirts.
Google ironing directions.
Better yet, get some professionally printed and share with the world.

Right Click and Download [800k]:

Free beatles Suck T-shirts

Celebrities spotted wearing SMB trends

This beautiful work of art was created by designer and photographer Phil Rose. We’d like to salute this brave artist, who has undoubtedly gone into exile after a fatwa was declared on him for slandering the holy name of the beatles.

You can visit the author’s Flickr page here, and do whatever it is you do on Flickr pages:
I hate the beatles, by Phil Rose

Unfortunately the truth is far more grievous. This is simply the normal output for the beatlemart/beatleblind mechanism. Every 45 seconds beatlemart pukes another regurgitated blob of insufferable, un-listenable, unwatchable, inedible, ‘must have’ new releases. You aren’t dreaming when you suddenly realize that the beatles released 12 new albums in 2011, or that there were 47 new books written about them, or 12 documentaries, 2 docu-dramas, 4 musicals, 1 opera and 2 new religions based on the writings of The Four.

This revelation can only mean it’s time for Suck My Beatles fifth annual, insanely popular Free beatles Christmas Cards extravaganza! This year we decided to leave out the Christmas messages so you can give out these beautiful cards all year round! We like to think of it as ‘paying it forward’ as opposed to beatlemarts ‘pay us more, muthafucka.’

To print these cards try holding down Ctrl P, Command P on the Mac, or ask your mom for help if you are a beatle fan.

For More Beatles Christmas Cards:

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2010
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2007

To download printer-friendly versions of these cards see instructions at the end of one of these previous collections.

The beatles, Coming Together and the ultimate circle jerk

Circle Jerk definition:
1. A circle jerk is a sexual practice in which a group of men or boys form a circle and masturbate themselves or each other.
2. A boring or time-wasting meeting or other event
3. (beatles) Worthless or oversimplified ideas; drivel: intellectual pap

What do you get when you combine idiotic lyrics sung without a hint of melody over a turgid, plodding beat? If you said one of the dumbest songs ever recorded and one of the most revered rock anthems of the beatles career, give yourself a pat on the back.

Come Together also happens to be one of the most covered songs of all time, and the second most covered beatles song after ‘Yesterday.’ Every year bands continue to cash in on it’s easily recognized Oompa Loompa stoner groove. It’s become a staple of the live music scene. If you want to make it in a bar band playing lame covers to a room full of disinterested drunks you really need to learn this this cursed monkey paw of a song, alongside of Mustang Sally and Black Magic Woman.

They Muddied Water

Many fans of the FF point to this song as proof of the beatles originality. It stands as confirmation that not only did this band revolutionize rock music by singing about holding hands, they also saved it by showing the world how to rock hard. According to these experts, when this song hit the airwaves nothing came close to matching the rawness or groove of this inspired song.

It might come as a shock to these fans that when this song came out rock music did not need to be saved by a group of semi-mystical, costume clad, success bloated cream puffs. It needed to be saved from them! Rock music was doing fine in spite of the beatles. Just like this song!

The beatles – Come Together :

Chuck Berry – You Can’t Catch Me (1956):

The Beatleberry combo (29 calories):

The beats obviously didn’t want to ruin their album with a track by Chuck Berry, it would only serve to highlight how much their songwriting skills had deteriorated by this point in their career. Instead they did the next best thing, they renamed it.

McCartney thought they should slow the song down or something because:

I pointed out to him that it was very similar to Chuck Berry’s You Can’t Catch Me. John acknowledged it was rather close to it so I said, ‘Well, anything you can do to get away from that.’

Lennon:

Come Together is me, writing obscurely around an old Chuck Berry thing. I left the line in ‘Here comes old flat-top.’

As you can see, its just a simple misunderstanding reminiscent of an earlier misunderstanding with Chuck Berry. The seminal beatle classic ‘I saw here standing there’ was written by McCartney and released in 1963, receiving massive critical and commercial success. Compare if you will:

The FF – I saw here standing there:

Chuck Berry -Talkin’ about you (1961 – Take special note of the bassline):

They just do what they please

To derail this article a little further, here’s a small series of coincidences for your listening pleasure.

The beatles – I Feel Fine (1964)

Bobby Parker – Watch Your step (1961)

Bobby Parker on the beatles

The beatles – Lady Madonna (1968)

Humphrey Lyttelton – Bad Penny Blues (1956)

Don’t think of it as stealing, think of it as a series of crazy misunderstandings.

They shill Coca-Cola

This song was wisely banned by the BBC after it’s release. Unfortunately they banned it for the wrong reason: product placement, the cornerstone of the beatles empire. It’s somehow alright to have Corn Flakes forced into your ears, but Coca-Cola rubbed the tea and crumpets engorged censors the wrong way.

Incidentally, this was the second unsuccessful attempt by the beatles to sell Coca Cola. You may remember their other campaign from the same time period:

He Got Monkey Paw

This song continues to grow stronger every year, as though it was blasted by gamma radiation on the way to the airwaves. It should be required to have the listener sign a waiver before being allowed to listen to it, after being read the following warning: “This little ditty had a spell put on it by an old Fakir. He wanted to show how bad music begets bad music and grows exponentially. Those who intentionally listened did so to their sorrow.”

Lets end this on a positive note. Here’s a clip of the MC5 playing their original song Come Together in 1969.
It has nothing to do with the beatles, and a lot to do with the title.

sources:

It’s been a while since our last Fan Mail extravaganza. This is not because of a shortage of messages, but because FF fans seem to share a universal mind and vocabulary. When not writing endless streams of books and articles idolizing this heinous musical abyss, they write to us. In fact, the final message in this post was taken directly from the opening chapter of ‘A Hard Day’s Write: The Stories Behind Every Beatles Song.’

We were asked recently by one of the few coherent folks who write in what percentage of messages are illiterate death threats. Roughly it can be broken down as 94% ignorant rants, 2% intelligible rants, 1% ignorant supporters, 2% intelligible supporters (this last percentage may be exaggerated).

u r an idiot with no taste of music.

We’ve stopped responding to the majority of messages because these people usually leave incorrect contact information (or more likely can’t spell out their email addresses). The time not wasted writing responses has been put to much better use, mainly playing beatle monopoly.

Here’s a slew of recent mail. Please enjoy responsibly

Ringo wrote:

You guys are faggets. You don’t understand music. your brainwashed by this new garbage. You all obviously have no lifes if you make a sight about how the beatles suck and make fucking t-shirts? your fucking retarted

John wrote:

Why do you have to ask me what 4+25 is MOTHERFUCKER! This website sucks, you fucking sucks, the fans here suck. GO FUCK YOURSELF SUCK ASS MOTHERFUCKER AND FFFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!!
FFFUUUUCCCKKK YOU ASSHOLE! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

I agree, math is hard.

Pedro Gonzales wrote:

You people are pathetically jealous because the Beatles had talent and you cretins have nothing. I laugh at your site! The Beatles will live forever while your infamous site will be regarded as incredible Losers with a capital “L” are hated. Get a Life! I really consider it a waste of time even bothering to comment on your Loser site.

Yousuck Yourass wrote:

Beatles are great. You don’t know that the beatles you say is actually you. Why don’t you change the site to suckmysoftass.com? That’d be better. The Beatles are better than any sucking satanist music you listen. So, as i said before, YOU SUCK YOUR ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dany wrote:

hey, to hate that much the beatles you must be the kind of guy that was traumatized and fuck by your sick beatlemaniac father, poor bastard, instead of wasting time doing shity web pages telling how much traumatized you are why you just dont do something it can be comparable to something that the beatles did…jajaja thats a joke by the way, i hardly believe you can do something bigger than the guy that sells hotdogs in the avenue

Whatever man, selling hotdogs is hard.

Loyd Mcmullen wrote:

hio
i saw your profile and i think i like you do you want to see my picture?

Oops, how did this get in here?

oscar wrote:

ojala sepan espaà ±ol. Me parece una tonteria su pagina. Talvez odien a
los beatles pero le dedican tanto tiempo, saben de sus nombres, saben de sus discos, tienen noticias de ellos. Les dedican mas tiempo que un fan.
Busquenlos en enciclopedias, pregunten a verdaderos musicos y artistas, y demas gente culta y todos los admiran. Uds. me parecen unos idiotas que los aman sin darse cuenta. Van a morir con el odio y desprecio que mas bien se sienten a sus propias miserables vidas. cuanto gastan en los beatles, cuanto tiempo invierten en ellos? cuantas canciones se saben? la verdad es que le dedican mas que un fan. Son unos retrasados y se que no va a cambiar nada mi correo, pero miles de personas admiramos su musica y van a trascender muchos aà ±os. Van a sequir siendo los mejores despues de que uds. mueran

Besame Mucho el culo!

Deanna Golden wrote:

ok first off u r an idiot with no taste of music. the beatles have been around since 1958 and the living ones are still in the music industry. and unlike the shitty musicians of today, they dont do it for the money. they do it because they love each and every one of their fans. they have written so many legendary and wonderful songs from I Want To Hold You Hand, all they way to Let It Be and even after the band broke up, they will still producing phenominal music in their solo lives like Lennons Imagine, and McCartneys Band On The Run. not only were they amazing hot but they were also sensitive and caring men, (unlike urself). They have made 5 amazing movies that would kick ur movies ass any day, they are better looking than u, and they have millions of fans around the world.
anyone who does not like them is crap, and people who dont like them r concieded freaks who sit in their mums basement with their crackpipe listening to screamo shit all day long. and yes some of their songs were in 4/4 and 3/4, but thats all everyone knew in that time and as their career as a band progressed, they stopped using 3/4 and 4/4 time. and u sit here and say oh they suck they suck but i bet u have never took a moment of ur time to even listen to them. if u heard one song u would be immediately hooked and shit if u saw their faces u would melt so apparently ur blind and deaf. u say the hell wit the beatle lovers and fanatics but when u post absolute shit like this whole site, be prepared cuz ur dealing with about 1/6 of the population that loves them. and also they were so talented that even pauls left testicle could kick ur ass. yes i said his TESTICLE! so overall ur just a blind deaf retard that has never lived cuz u have apparently never listened to the beatles

Our loyal friend Anonymous, outspoken critic of the dreaded FF menace and seeker of truth and wisdom, has given us a great gift: a paper he wrote for his English class. The prompt was “How I gave something away of value.” Unbeknown to him, the professor was a closet beatlehead. He got a D. This short exercise introduced him to the fierce oppression which faces every free thinking music fan who turns a deaf ear to the cloth eared. It has inspired him to battle on, and write his semester paper on why the beatles are the most overrated band ever. A valiant goal. He will undoubtedly fail English.

You’re Welcome, Mom: Giving Away Something of Value

For this prompt I did not actually give away something of value. Over the Thanksgiving break I drove to Phoenix with two brothers, a sister-in-law, and a dog. My grandmother lives there. My parents and another brother drove to Phoenix from Texas. Before I continue it is important to explain that I have a burning hatred of the beatles, so much so that I do not capitalize the name. I grew up assuming they really were as great as everyone made them out to be. But after listening to the Number Ones album in my 11th grade art class for several weeks, I realized that that was not the case. The more I heard, the more I realized that not only are they not a good band, they are awful! After researching the band, I only found more and more evidence that the members were generally terrible people and marginally talented musicians who were supremely over-hyped by hordes of brainwashed music journalists. I hate the music, the people, the legacy and most of the fans I encounter. I hate the beatles at the loss of friends, relationships, and possibly in the future, jobs.

Back to the story: while we were driving through the streets of Phoenix, for no apparent reason, my mother tossed a beatles boxed set of CDs onto my lap. My mother has exquisite musical tastes; everything from the intimidating genre of classical music to the folk-pop groups of her youth. (She even admits to liking “Stairway to Heaven.”) Despite such a fine musical pedigree, she claims to enjoy the beatles’ early music for nostalgic purposes. She is well aware of my enmity towards the terrible Brit-pop quartet, and I suppose she anticipated a humorous outburst by confronting me with her boxed set. I’m used to people bringing up the beatles in conversation in order to be entertained by an inevitable vitriolic diatribe. Personally I think this practice is rather sadistic. But no more digressions, back to the story: without hesitating, or even considering what I was doing, I opened the car door and tossed the box set out. We did not turn around to retrieve it. As far as I know, the boxed set of the beatles’ early years to this day lies somewhere on Shea Blvd.

So I did not give away something of value. I threw away something belonging to someone else, whose value, according to the Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price, was $69.98. My suggested retail price for the same item would be slightly lower than the price of a small bag of garbage. What I did may be construed by some as inconsiderate and destructive, but I know that what I did was perform a highly valuable service. My quick action saved my mother from the burden of owning music by the most overrated band of all time. She would no longer be forced to hear their syrupy melodies, treacly ballads and just plain boring songs. No more would the mind-numbingly bad refrain from “I Want To Hold Your Hand” waft through her office, deadening the senses of the coworkers and students who stop by. No longer would such perversions as the “tit-tit-tit-tit” chorus from “Girl” grate on the ear drums of passengers in her car. Never again would our home, a veritable Heaven On Earth, be polluted by the somnambulistic anthem “Love Me Do”. You’re welcome, Mom.

At least in my mother’s defense, her former box set contained only the beatles’ early albums, before they begat the truly egregiously bad songs, such as “Maxwell Silver Hammer,” “Yellow Submarine,” or “Obla di Obla Please Shoot Me”.

After I freed my mother from the shame and guilt of owning The Capitol Albums Vol. I, I saw a stunned look on her face. Perhaps she was not ready to confess and forsake that miscarriage of music. Perhaps she wondered how her sweet third son could have developed such an intense hatred for anything. However she felt at the moment I do not know. I knew that with time she would come to appreciate what I had done for her. And I was right. Later she admitted that their music was starting to get on her nerves.

This site has been known to spend a lot of time portraying the beatles in a less than positive light. It pains us that this needs to be done, that everyday innocent people fall prey to the hype, conditioning and brainwashing which has created the beatle brand. Quite frankly, music is subjective and we don’t really care if there are those among us who wish to self-flagellate their senses with overrated, overplayed, corporate sponsored bubblegum rock, just leave us out of it.

What really drives us is the fight against the extreme musical fundamentalists this band produces, a group whose ideal is musical totalitarianism, a group which won’t stop until every book, record and movie not pertaining to or portraying their idols in a positive light has been destroyed and perpetrators are put to death by having brick walls toppled down on them.

Good music by the beatles, I don’t believe it!

This is why when we hear somebody breathe fresh life into the musical sarcophagus the fab four have left behind, somebody who can take a song and re-invent it so brilliantly that it leaves us astonished this is the same band we’ve spent so much time trying to put into perspective, it really makes us rethink our entire position.

Without further ado we’d like to introduce the musical mastermind Thomas, whose fresh take on the music of the beatles has shaken and inspired us. Please enjoy responsibly:

Click here to listen to the MP3

(This will open a streaming mp3 player. If for some reason it doesn’t work find Thomas’ songs on this page and use the Flashplayer instead.)

If this music makes you want to run out and buy the latest Let it Be remix, Re-un-naked with new spring fashions #13943, take your money and put it instead towards an independent, non-commercial radio station. I think we can all agree the beatles have enough money by now.

There are seventy-five new beatle books this month decorating store windows and displays. Their entire catalogue has been re-released and repackaged twice this year, and the record shops are bursting at the seams with these sugary confections. There were twelve movies about the beatles released in the last six months, and all of them are available on DVD at every convenience store, massage parlour and hot dog stand across the universe. Fab Four muzak is being pumped through speakers and poisoning crowds in shopping malls, elevators, street corners, taxicabs.

I’d like to say this is because Christmas is just around the corner, but the only thing that differentiates the volume of beatlemart’s putrid output this time of year from any other is that the prices have been jacked up, shoppers are more psychotic, and you get your choice of a free soup tureen or lube job with every 40th purchase of a beatles collectible troll doll.

In order to instill some hope for the rest of us and reinstate our faith in mankind, to send out a positive message of good cheer (and more importantly good taste), SMB has returned with the overwhelming popular Free beatles Christmas Cards extravaganza!

The audience has spoken and consecutively voted our cards the Best Free Beatles Suck Christmas Cards of 2007 , Best Free Anti-beatle Christmas Cards of 2008 and the prestigious Best Free I Hate The Beatles Holiday Cards of 2009. With your help we expect this year will be the greatest FF free holiday season to date.

Send these card to fab-blind fans, clueless relatives and brain dead associates. Do your part to stamp out the beatlemart this year, free of charge. Save your money for the important things in life like Hannah Montana smart cars and Justin Bieber jock straps.

To download printer-friendly versions of these cards see instructions at the end.

Printing Options:
1. These cards are formatted to print out at the traditional 5×7 size. Print it on a sheet of paper and cut, or for a professional look get some Blank Greeting Cards and Envelopes and go to town.
2. For the best results, have the enclosed pictures printed out at the standard 4×6 size on high quality photopaper, and paste them on a blank card using either glue or drool from a beatlefan.
Download Cards Here: freeBeatleCard2010.rar[7952kb]

For More Beatles Christmas Cards:

Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2009
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2008
Free Beatles Christmas Cards 2007

An Alternative History of American Popular Music

HTBDR&R is an exhaustively researched history of popular music, analyzed in excruciating detail from its rural African-American songbook, through jazz, swing, and R&B, all the way up to relatively modern times.

Unfortunately for readers, it’s also an exhausting read (as 75 pages of footnotes attests to), appearing in the form of a thesis written for undergraduates to wade through, quote from, and pretend to agree with before racing home and crankin’ up ‘She Loves You’ on their laptops and ipod docks, dancing their bespectacled tushies around dorm rooms until the last of the Red Bull wears off. Afterwards they remove the elbow padded tweed jackets and enter the land of golden slumbers where Blue Meanies sing duets with bands named after wolves and bears. I digress.

The book never quite lives up the potential of its fantastic title, which the publisher warned us before mailing out a copy, “is meant to attract attention, debate and controversy.”

Nor does the promise ever realize the heights touched upon in the brilliant opening remarks by the author,

The idea of a steady progression from ragtime to rap is tempting to a historian because it shows a clear live of development over an extended period of time. And if one accepts that continuum, then the Whiteman orchestra and the beatles played very similar roles: not as innovators but as rear guarding holding actions, attempting to maintain older, European standards as the streamlining force of rhythm rolled over them. Within the small world of music nuts, there have always been some who regard the beatles in just this way. In their view, rock is rooted in African-American music, and it’s evolution was from blues and R&B through Little Richard, Ruth Brown, and Rat Charles toward James Brown and Aretha Franklin, and on to Parliament/Funkadelic and Grandmaster Flash.

By the time the beatles hit, still playing the rhythms of Chuck Berry and Carl Perkins, that style was already archaic and their contributions were to resegregate the pop charts by distracting white kids from the innovations of the soul masters, to diffuse rock’s energy with effetely sentimental ballads like “Yesterday” – paving the way for Simon and Garfunkel, Crosby, Stills and Nash, Elton John, and Billy Joel – and then to drape it in a robe of arty mystification, opening the way for the Velvet Underground, Pink Floyd, Yes, and Emerson, Lake and Palmer. In other words, rather than being a high point of rock, the beatles destroyed rock‘n’roll, turning it from a vibrant black (or integrated) dance music into a vehicle for white pap and pretension.

The incredible scope of this tome can’t help but draw the author in meandering circles, distracting his focus and causing him never quite hit the mark, instead he only glances a few limp wristed blows against the broad side of the creaking old plastic surgery enhanced, steroid impregnated barn we call the FF.

Nevertheless, books on subjects as important as this are rare. These pages contain a wealth of interesting material, and some strong points are touched upon. It happily reinforces the fact that the FF whitewashed rock music by sweetening it with an unthreatening candy coating, causing white America to listen to the same songs which had been shunned when performed by the original artists with energy, emotion, inspiration and real danger, all of which horrified and repulsed them.

It’s hard to say anything negative about a book which Tom Waits claims, “nailed me to the wall,” and is “suave, soulful, ebullient and will blow out your speakers.” Then again, Tom Waits also once said, “The stories behind most songs are less interesting than the songs themselves,” and this may be the story of this book.

If you’d like to read more about the beatles and learn how to distinguish between articulate, cutting edge rock ‘n’ roll and bombastic, bubblegum claptrap, I heartily recommend our dear friend Gary Hall’s insightful treatise on the subject:

Living Life without Loving the Beatles – A survivors guide.

If you order directly from Gary your copy will be lovingly signed by the author.