Victory Lager paired with buffalo wing cheese spread and multigrain baguette

Sly Fox Brewing Pikeland Pils with red lentil chili and tortilla chips

Troegs Pale Ale with Asian BBQ boneless ribs and Thai shrimp cocktail

Sam Adams Winter Lager with Landjager and Grand Cru Gruyere with a slice of artisan rye and whole grain mustard

Weyerbacher Blithering Idiot with mini gorgonzola with fig in Phyllo

Lancaster Milk Stout with cranberry Linzer bars

Whew!  My left pinkie was practically twitching in the air while typing all that poofterana.  Phyllo?  What in the wash ‘n’ wear heck?!

Yeah, when it came to much of the food, I just nodded knowingly and prayed my gag reflex wouldn’t kick-in halfway up someone’s back.  The beer, however, was why I was there…

And the standouts were Troegs Pale Ale (my favorite of the day) and the Pikeland Pils.  Both featured the hops I so enjoy, but neither was overpowering.  I especially liked the Troegs, and bought a six-pack to take home.  And they lasted roughly two hours in our presence.

Blithering Idiot is a barleywine, and I didn’t really care for it.  It tasted more like liquor than beer, and the alcohol content was something along the lines of MD 20/20.  Not really what I’m looking for in an adult beverage…

I’d had the Sam Adams on several previous occasions, and don’t think it’s nearly as good as it was last year.  Do they change the recipe every winter, or is it supposed to be the same?  I don’t know, but I remember LOVING it last time around, and not so much this season.

Similarly, I’ve had and raved about several of the offerings from Victory Brewing.  But the lager I tasted on Saturday was unremarkable.  I was prepared for greatness, and instead got a mouthful of so-so.  And nothing pisses me off more than a mouthful of so-so.

I’m sure the Milk Stout would appeal to porter and stout fans, but that ain’t me.  Not really.  I thought it had an interesting complexity of flavors, but it’s just not my thing.  So, make of that what you will.

As far as the food went… the red lentil chili was excellent, as were the ribs.  I also enjoyed the Landjager and Grand Cru Gruyere.  I’m not 100% sure I know what it was, but thought it was mighty tasty anyway.  If it’s balls, please don’t tell me.

So, that was our brief foray into yuppieville this weekend.  Except for the pretentious little shitpouch we kept bumping into, who smacked his lips, blinked his eyes, and took a big dramatic reading of each beer, it was a good time.

Pass the Phyllio, or whatever.

In any case, Wareham mentions something near the end I’d like to explore a little deeper.  Here’s what he wrote:

We made an album called The Days of Our Nights.  Our fifth studio album, it is possibly the worst of the seven that Luna made.  If you study rock-and-roll bands, I think that the fifth album generally tends to suck.  Maybe they all hate one another by this point.  Maybe they need new ideas.  Maybe they’re trying new ideas.  Whatever the reason, the fifth album is difficult.

Is that true?  I’d never considered such a thing.  Pretty interesting.

So, without cheating and putting advance thought into it, I’m going to just pull a few legendary bands out of my crapshaft, and test the theory.  Want to play along?

Wareham goes on to say the Beatles are an exception.  In fact, he claims, they sucked until their fifth album.  So, I’ll leave them out of our little experiment…

Let’s get started, shall we?

The Clash, Combat Rock Definitely not my favorite, but not as bad as their previous album, Sandinista! Does it suck?  No, it does not.  But it’s teetering.

REM, Document A great album.  Their next two were kinda weak, but this is about fifth albums, isn’t it?

The Replacements, Pleased to Meet Me Ha!  One of the best albums ever released, on Earth anyway.  My favorite record by one of my favorite bands.

Van Halen, Diver Down Half the songs are covers, and the whole thing clocks in at just 30 minutes.  Certainly not their finest (half) hour, but still a lot of fun.  I’d have a hard time using the word “sucks.”

The Police, Synchronicity Their final release, I don’t think the Police had any bad albums.  And this one is pretty darn solid.

Led Zeppelin, Houses of the Holy This is the album I reach for, on the rare occasion I’m craving some Zeppelin.  So, I guess that makes it my favorite, huh?

I know this isn’t much of a sample size.  But we can continue our important study in the comments, if you’d like.  Test your favorite band against Dean Wareham’s “Fifth Albums Suck” theory.

And to be fair, he starts the paragraph by saying sucks, and ends it with the more nuanced difficult.  And if you look at my list of bands above, most were indeed in the middle of some sort of upheaval at the time their fifth albums were released.

The Clash and Police broke up immediately afterward, the Replacements had just fired their iconic lead guitarist, REM was about to leave their longtime label, and that Van Halen album displays evidence of creative arrest.

So, maybe Wareham is on to something, after all?  What do you think?  Tell us about it in the comments.

Big deal, you say?  Who buys CDs these days, anyway?  Well, I do.  And I have a feeling there are plenty like me, who still want to own their music, hold it in their hands, and file it away on a shelf.

Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but seeing the name of a song on a computer screen isn’t quite the same as adding a rare and elusive compact disc to the sound library.  There’s great satisfaction in receiving a package in the mail, containing a CD I’ve been chasing for months.  It beats the heck out of simply dragging and dropping another file into My Documents.  Ya know?

As mentioned, years of training is required to become a high-master, but there are certain techniques we use that can help even the most inexperienced used CD buyer, right away.  And who knows?  Maybe you’ll discover a natural talent, and someday become a used CD ninja, yourself?

We move silently through the night… like the Comic Book Guy only silenter…

Following are my tips for improving your musical spelunking skillz, without delay.  Take my advice and you’ll soon find yourself enjoying great music, in ridiculous quantity, for very little money.  Oh, it’s a beautiful thing, indeed.

Sites To Use I’m partial to three, in particular.  I use Amazon Marketplace, half dotcom, and secondspin.  There are others, like spun and gemm, but I have better luck with the three mentioned.  There’s nothing wrong with checking other sources occasionally, but I believe it’s best to limit yourself to a manageable group of core sites.

Want Lists Your first course of action should be to build want lists at all the sites you’ve decided to monitor.  Get away from the computer for a while, with pen and paper in-hand, and jot down all the CDs you’d like to (need to!) own.  And then return to your machine and load the information into the various want list services provided by the sites.

Over time you’ll think of other titles, and it’s important to add them to every list.  All lists should remain uniform, to avoid confusion and chaos.  Which means you’ll also need to remove items, as you make purchases.

Monitoring Want Lists I check my three lists at least twice a day, and usually more often.  It doesn’t take long, even if you’ve got a ridiculous number of wants, like me.  At this point I can scroll through all of them in less than five minutes, combined.

After a while you get to know the standard prices, and can spot a bargain with nothing more than a casual glance.  But you’ve got to be ready to strike!  Hemming, hawing, dillying, and/or dallying can lead to heartache.  There can be no hesitation, you’ve got to act immediately.

Because there are other ninjas out there, coiled like a cobra!

Conditions Amazon and half dotcom group CDs by condition, and I only buy from the “new” and “like new” categories.  “Very good,” I’ve learned, is a catch-all.

Most people know what new and like new means, but very good is open to interpretation.  And that’s not very good, at all.  It leads to too much uncertainty, and risk.  Sure, you might get lucky and receive a nice disc, but you might also be sent one that looks like it’s been swallowed whole, then shit-out.

My advice:  only shop from the top two tiers, and avoid the temptation of “very good.”  The lower categories shouldn’t even be considered; train yourself to become blind to them.

Seller Ratings Amazon and half dotcom allow buyers to rate their transactions, and I only do business with sellers boasting 97% positive feedback, or higher.  Drop down to 96%, and the quality of service seems to suffer a great deal.  That’s the cut-off, in my estimation.

I’ve bought hundreds and hundreds of used CDs through the years, and have only had a handful of problems.  And every one of them could have been avoided, if I’d learned the above rule earlier.

I once “purchased” a copy of Bad Music For Bad People by the Cramps, from some shitpouch with an 88% approval rating.  I knew better, but the price was so intoxicating…  I tried to justify the purchase in my brain:  Hell, eighty-eight people out of a hundred think the dude is great; everything will be fine!

So, I eventually hit the purchase button… and got bent over the proverbial sofa.

As tempting as it might be, I strongly urge you to only buy from sellers with impeccable ratings.  Conversely, it’s also important that you leave feedback on all your purchases, to help fellow travelers.  It’s almost like the hobo code.

Shipping costs $2.99 is the going rate for shipping a CD.  Once you become experienced, your brain will begin automatically adding three dollars to every price you encounter.  And that extra three bucks can be a deal-killer; it can instantly turn a bargain into nothing special.  So, always remember the shipping costs!

If you’re planning to use secondspin as a source, and I recommend you do, you should definitely sign up for their mailing list (by registering at the site).  They often run specials, including weeks with free shipping on every order.  Some great deals can be had during those weeks, if you play your cards right.

eBay Speaking of shipping, I don’t go to eBay for used CDs much, because there’s no uniform cost.  Sellers are allowed to plug any price into the shipping & handling field, and often advertise an item at a low price, then take their profit from wildly inflated “postage.”

Many people swear by eBay, and I’ve found some good deals there myself, but you’ve got to be extra-careful.  Everything hinges on the fine print.  Never go to eBay while drinking!

I’ve also had some bad luck with discs being rated a tad, shall we say, liberally at eBay.  My definition of excellent condition doesn’t always line up with Big Red’s in Dog Balls, Arkansas, it seems.

So, I’m a little leery of eBay for used CDs.  Needless to say, you’re free to develop your own opinion on the subject.

Prices This one is difficult, because there are so many factors to be considered.  A release on a tiny label will usually cost more than a CD distributed by Warner Bros. or Capitol.  Simply because the major labels are able to get more discs into circulation…

Also, I’m often hunting CDs that are out of print, sometimes not having been available in stores for a decade or more.  So, you’ve got to take that into account, as well.  You’re probably not going to find a long out of print title for four bucks.

But, generally speaking, I don’t like to exceed ten dollars, total cost.  In fact, ten dollars is at the high end of the spectrum.  I bought a David Baerwald CD a few days ago for $1.17 (with free shipping!), and that’s what I’m chasing, that’s the goal.

Which brings me to the final item…

Be Patient It’s important not to get yourself all cranked-up about a certain disc, and make a mistake while in the throes of a wild frenzy of want.  You’ve got to remain disciplined, and patient.

Indeed, I’ve had a certain CD on my lists for five years now, maybe longer, and will eventually secure it for a reasonable price.  I know this, because there were similar titles in the past, that I now own and enjoy in the comfort of my ninja lodge.

It’s almost like fishing.  Just sit back and relax, and your patience will likely be rewarded.  And if not, you’ve still had yourself a pleasant day on the lake, or whatever.

So there you go…  Those are my tips for building a better used CD experience.

Use them for good, never for evil.

 A few years ago

I don’t know the legal ramifications of such a thing (would the labels need to have the approval of each individual artist, for instance?), but it seemed like a can’t-lose proposition to me:  no inventory, no warehouses, no handling, no freight costs… 

Heck, after royalties, and whatever fees they’d have to pay to iTunes or whatever, every cent would be company profit.  Right?  I couldn’t see a downside, and prepared for the coming data dump.

And nothing happened…

Every once in a while I checked the sites, and didn’t find much.  What the hell, man?  Where were my promised rarities?  I know a person can obtain almost anything illegally, but I was/am willing and eager to do it on the up and up.

So, what gives?  What happened to the plans detailed in the article I read?  Why aren’t labels offering every single album they own the rights to, as mp3s?  Even if they only sell fifty copies of each per year, it would be found money.

I’d pretty much given up on it, figuring some shitbox in a suit ruined all our fun (yet again).  But a few days ago I happened upon something that gives me hope.

One of the most sought-after CDs on my various want-lists is The Right to Be Italian by Holly and the Italians.  It’s a semi-obscure gem from the early-’80s New Wave/punk era, and was only available on CD for roughly fifteen minutes.  As I type this, a used copy is available through Amazon – for $179.98.

But check this out.  Has the dump finally begun?!  I still don’t see any of the old Fleshtones albums from the IRS years, but this is undeniably a good sign.

My nipples are exploding with delight.

So, theoretically, a budding young hipster of today might look at this iconic album the same way we looked at Nat King Cole, or Patti Page, or Rosemary Clooney.  I can’t imagine such a thing, but the numbers don’t lie.

Despite my hard-charging decrepitude, however, I’ll be picking up this CD, with enthusiasm.  The live recording sounds like an essential artifact, and I’m in urgent need of a remastered version of the main album.

Murmur, of course, is one of the great touchstones of alternative rock, and the soundtrack to an especially happy part of my life. I’m looking forward to enjoying it again, all fancied-up.

Now, will somebody please help me change my sack?