The thing about Depression

It’s kind of like being caught unaware in a thunder storm.

You’re walking along on a bright sunny day with a light breeze blowing in your hair and billowing clouds in the distance. You’re busy with this and that and only take a little notice when the clouds begin to cover the sky. They still look white and harmless in any case. The day passes on and soon, because evening is drawing nigh you don’t realize it when the sky starts to darken prematurely. You notice that perhaps the temperature has dropped a few degrees but again attribute it to the setting sun. In a few moments the breeze that played lightly with your hair is now tangling it and swirling a damp smell into your nostrils. Looking up, you suddenly see the clouds, black and ominous above you. You blink rapidly as a torrent of rain bursts forth. Running for cover is fruitless as you are already engulfed in the squall and soaked through but you attempt it anyway. The rain is so thick and blinding that soon you’ve lost your sense of direction and don’t know where to find cover. You can only hope the storm will pass soon.

Rarely does anyone go from fine one day, to dealing with depression the next. There are always signs, but they are easily attributable to other things because they come on so slowly.

Oh, it’s just my stupid period again. I’m just fatigued because I haven’t gotten enough sleep lately. I’m just grumpy because things are hard at work.

These things can all be simple passing things, so how do you know when they’re not? Unless you’ve been dealing with depression for a while it’s nearly impossible to see the signs, and even then it is difficult. You shrug the bad days, the bad attitude, the lack of energy and motivation off saying it will pass. Yes, even if it is depression it will pass, but if it is depression it may get a whole heck of a lot worse and last for some time before it does. It’s usually not until your in the thick of it, till you break down that you think, “What is wrong with me?” and you realize that the little things have been accumulating and that you haven’t felt normal for a while.

That happened for me today, as I learned that my hubby would be home late again and I would need to make dinner. I thought of coming up with some creative meal because I haven’t truly cooked in a long time but the thought of the work that went along with it dissuaded me once again. As I stood stirring the reconstituted instant potato flakes and frozen peas, thoughts of what a crappy mother I am for not wanting to do more for my kids’ dinner kept entering my head. Then I remembered thoughts from earlier in the day about it being Count Dooku’s last day of school. Inside myself I was bemoaning the fact that they the boys are out now. That we live in a tiny, crummy little apartment and I have no yard to put them in. If they go outside I have to go with them to watch them and how exhausting it is to be the main source of their entertainment. My thoughts drifted from what a terrible friend I’ve been because I haven’t even tried to schedule a play date in months to how ugly I think my facial side profile is.

I KNOW my life is good. We are so blessed to have shelter, to have these beautiful kids who teach me so much every day, to have food and a wonderful support system at church. I KNOW I’m a decent mom who tries to teaches my kids good principles, who takes them to places to experience and learn new things. I am fairly certain I’m a good person and hope I at least get credit for trying to be, but lately all I can focus on is what I do wrong and I have no inspiration for trying to make my shortcomings better. It’s so difficult to do what you know is best when you’re heart isn’t in it. KNOWING and FEELING are two different things and you only get more depressed when your feelings don’t compliment what you know.

I don’t feel like eating healthy even though I know it can help my mind and body. I feel like junk so I crave junk.
I know I should spend more time doing worthwhile things but I just want to veg out on video games and TV so I don’t have to think about everything that is making me discouraged.
I know I should cut back the kids TV time and game time but I’m so uninspired and grumpy that I just want them out of my hair at times.

I’ve been fatigued, uninspired, hyper critical of myself and cynical of others and these symptoms have slowly been gathering like storm clouds. The thunderhead burst over me today and I realize that it’s more than just a passing moment. Now that I realize what I’m in the middle of the only thing to do is wait out the storm and hope it passes fast. I may not be able to control the way I feel but I CAN still control what I do. I’ll keep trying to do the things I know I should and hope that my feelings will soon echo my actions. I KNOW I’ve passed through before (and will again) and that gives me some strength. That and the love I feel from my family. No matter how gray I feel, my baby girl’s smile, Obi Wan’s laugh or Count Dooku’s reading out loud to himself can always lighten the downpour a bit.

Fit for His Needs

I learned a very beautiful truth tonight. We are like flowers in a garden and the experiences life hands us shift around us like the seasons. Because of things that happen life may become gray, we may even feel as dead as the earth in winter, but there is always a spring on the horizon. A time to grow again and to fortify ourselves against the dark times that are ceaseless in their return.

I am a person with so many follies. Though my heart is often in the right place, I still manage to make poor decisions. In times of great discouragement I am prone to give up on myself. But God who knows me better than I know myself, reminds me of that fact and I find strength to continue on because of His belief in me.

I have realized that one of the greatest joys in life comes from serving others. God has given each of us a gift - the ability to be a tool in His hands. To be given inspiration that will benefit the lives of others. But He’ll only give that inspiration to me if I am fit for the task. If I keep myself sharp and ready and willing. This humbling realization is in and of itself a gift to me, for it helps me find the determination to continue trying to make myself fit for His needs. I want to be the one with an open heart and mind that God can inspire to visit the lonely mother who is afraid to reach out herself. To be the one who is prompted to write a random note of encouragement or thanks for someone who is discouraged. I want to be the help and comfort that someone needs because I know how it feels to be lonely and discouraged and scared.

God has given us the ability to be the answers to each others prayers. I hope that for the sake of someone else in need I am always ready to hear Him and act.

I tried to be nice

I tried to catch those annoying mice in live traps but they just wouldn’t have it, so two days ago I set out the quick snap traps. Two down and probably more to go.

In other news, Obi Wan graduated Kindergarten today. He is thrilled to be done with school, but I had to explain that it wasn’t forever. He is going back in the fall and he’s not happy about it. I don’t know why. He has a good time at school. Maybe he’ll grow to like it more as he gets older. Right now he and Sassypants are jumping on couch pillows spread all across the room. Sassy loves having a big brother here to play with during the day.

Hubby is currently working on a research project that may be our ticket out of here. No matter which way the results go, they ought to be interesting enough to publish. He could start writing his thesis in two months. He could also be starting over on something else if this one doesn’t pan out. Hey, we’ve been here 7 years, what’s one more right? heh…heh…sigh…

If you’re looking for something to do with all those delicious strawberries and mangos that are in season, here is the recipe for a Strawberry Mango Milk Tart I made yesterday. It’s gone already. It was good.

Obviously I haven’t got much of substance to say today. The important thing is that life is good. I love my family and I’m so thankful to be alive and for all the good things in my life. My husband, my kids, my faith and my friends. I’ve been trying to simplify my life more lately and it has brought me greater happiness and a clearer view of all the things I’ve been blessed with.

Liking the Balance

This blog never fully developed into what I envisioned for it. But that’s because my vision changed.

I began to see two separate places for two distinctly different sides of me. I started Perfectly Provident last year, knowing that I wanted it to encompass much more than just frugal endeavors and I’ve finally made that transition. It’s for all the upbeat, busy things I do in my life - do it yourself projects, provident living, frugality, other hobbies and the like. It’s the me that I imagine those who don’t know me very well, always see. It’s a blog I started with the vision of sharing my knowledge freely and as such, it has been a delight. I expect nothing in return from it. I don’t share intimate details of my thoughts because on that blog it’s not what people have come for. I see that people are reading and hopefully learning new things and I am thrilled. I can give away products and knowledge, knowing that’s the only reason people visit, and being ok with that.

Likewise, Summer’s Nook is still a place where I hope people will learn, but about different things. Where I hope you might benefit from my writing and poetry. From my thoughts on motherhood and life. Where I hope some will find encouragement from my honest and open experiences about my battle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, depression and anxiety.

Over at Perfectly Provident you get the happy go lucky side of me and around here you see the inner workings and thought processes that fuel that side of me. I’m feeling much more at peace with having two different venues for expressing the aspects of my personality that never seemed to mesh on one blog. I’m hoping that by dividing the two, I’ll be happier knowing that those who stay around Summer’s Nook are doing so for who I really am and not what products I have to give away.

Not feeling qualified

Do you ever take a step back, look at your children and think, “I have no flipping idea what I’m doing!”

Tonight at dinner it was a fight to get Count Dooku to eat his eggs. He was the last one left at the table and at one point he asked if he could reheat his eggs which had gotten cold. I told him he could and I soon heard the hum of the microwave. Approximately two minutes later he flopped onto the couch and said, “I’m done.”

I didn’t even have to look at the plate to know that I wouldn’t see any eggs. But I also knew they weren’t in the little boys stomach. Opening the garbage can I moved some garbage around to find all of the eggs discarded. I was upset and in one breath I grounded him to his room the rest of the night and from playing the Wii for the rest of the week. I don’t know if that’s harsh or not, but I wish I had taken time to think of something more appropriate for the punishment. I seriously considered making him eat the eggs out of the garbage but couldn’t go through with it. Maybe I’m too soft.

I don’t want any child of mine to develop a habit of lying, but I’m not sure how to prevent it and I sort of feel like I’ve failed already since it’s a recurring problem. This isn’t the first time Count Dooku has lied to me. It’s a stage that has begun fairly recently but seems to be increasing in frequency. I’m sure that’s not unusual for children but I’m having a really hard time dealing with it. Any suggestions?

Reader Questions

In a recent post I asked those of you reading if there was anything in particular you wanted me to write about. I wrote my Of Boys and Urine post in response to Dave who was very kind in saying, “…you have the writing ability to take the normal, take for granted, day-to-day things and make them special.”.

Though I wouldn’t classify that post as a special moment I did have fun bringing to life something I could have kept to one sentence. And certainly I’ll keep looking out for opportunities to magnify every day experiences.

Kym of Temporary?Insanity asked me three questions which I will attempt to answer briefly below:

1. What things do you dream of doing when your kids are grown?

I couldn’t wait to get out of school when I was a teen and now I can’t wait to get back into school. I never finished college and though I don’t regret my decision to get married and start a family instead, I definitely would like to go back and get a degree in something, someday. My only problem now is deciding what to go for. Should I be a pastry chef? A zoologist? A forestry expert? An English major? An actress? A TV Host? I have so many interests I may never figure it out. All I know is that anything I put my mind too can be accomplished, and more than that, can be done well.

2.What three material things do you most want right now?

Only three?! Oh dear. Perhaps I have too many material wishes. Well, number one on my list is a Digital SLR camera of some type. I have long been interested in photography (ever since I was the designated sports photographer in High School) but have never had the money to afford the equipment I would need to get into it.

Number two at this point in time would have to be a 30 foot long midi to computer cable and some nice piano music writing software so I can stop half forgetting all the songs I’ve composed over the years.

Number three would be cocoa brown leather or pleather couches with built in pillows and seat cushions so I never have to pick up pillow fight remnants and so that spills can just be wiped right off.

3. If you could undo one past decision what would it be and why?

This one was pretty easy for me. *gulp* In 9th grade I stole a bunch of books from my school book fair. I didn’t have money to get my family Christmas presents so that’s why I did it. Then after I did it I realized how very wrong it was, despite my motivation for doing it. It took me three years to work up the courage but in my senior year, even with fear of jail time in my mind, I confessed to the librarian. She was so nice and understanding. I wrote the school a check for all I stole plus interest and my conscience was finally clear again. Well almost, I have two or three library books lying around here that somehow never got checked back in and which I need to ship back to the school….argh.

That’s it for today. If you left a question or writing suggestion for me on my earlier post it will be addressed. And if you would like to leave additional questions or writing suggestions, feel free and I will get around to them.

Bursts of Emotion

I know that I wrote various stories and poems between the age of eight and twelve, but only the first remains, reminder of a happier mind. It was around age twelve that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (unknown to me at the time) set in and with it came depression, anxiety and a dark shadow that crept into my writing. Poetry became more meaningful as I found through it, a way to express my jumbled feelings. The following pieces were written sometime between ages 12 and 15.

“Come with me while the sun grows old, grows dim, grows cold.
Earth will be bathed in continual night.
It’s freezing over permanently, this hell we maintain
and everyone in it too.
More devastating than fire is this frost.
With fire there is at least passion.
Indifference, with its icy grasp spares no feeling.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I drift through deep waters.
Wet, black desires ride the expanse.
Oh, delicious darkness laughs!
Among mystery is the will.
I slip into me
through these scattered thoughts,
where fear is.
All things are found deeper.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Later in the afternoon
before the light departs,
I’ll catch her whisper on the wind.
Whisper, whisper, they won’t hear
You’ll reach, alone, my searching ear.
The love I had, I gave away.
Malice suited me better.”

It seemed to me that I could only write when I was in the depths of despair or anger and I wondered if it would be that way forever. If the clouds in my mind would ever part.

Why writing a complete story is so difficult for me

Kym, who is is one of my all time favorite bloggers published a very interesting post tonight. She did a little experiment to try and figure out what draws her into a book so that she can get an idea of how to write her own compelling first chapter. So of course I started thinking about all the things that draw me into a book. The usual elements of suspense and intrigue in the first chapter never fail. Then I thought past that about what keeps me reading after the initial pull. It’s almost always character development.

On occasion, as with the Twilight series, a story with somewhat unbelievable (and I don’t mean that in the vampire sense) characters can still keep me interested because of its twists and turns. But if twists and turns are the only compelling aspect about a novel then I simply can’t think of it as truly great literature.

Of course “great literature” cannot be defined, as it differs with opinion. But as for myself, well fleshed out characters (or lack thereof) make or break a novel. Take Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights for instance. Many people I know say they absolutely hate the novel. But I think their hatred of the characters is blinding them to the quality of the novel. If an author can make me loathe a fictional person that much and yet invoke some small amount of pity and understanding for them at the same time, then I think their writing is freaking brilliant. It’s not enough to tell the reader why a character is doing something, it’s more believable and personal when you come to know who they are through their actions and dialogue. Consistency and plausibility is key. I know an author has written a character well (especially if I don’t I relate to that character) if I believe their motivations. My dilemma then is bringing to life the aspects of the characters I envision without excessive dialogue and omniscient statements.

There is certainly more of that than I would like in my first novel in progress, but there is also ample opportunity to expand situations in a way that demonstrates rather than tells about the characters I love or love to hate. I’m determined to strike the right balance and improve myself as a writer as I go through the process of molding my story into something I’m ready to share. And since I made myself write the entire thing out before I started polishing it, I’d say I’m off to a good start.

My first step into the world of writing

For as long as I can remember I’ve been a lover of language. The moment I learned to read I strove to improve my skills and devoured any book in sight. Whether I could understand the words made no difference to me. I simply loved to hear them roll off my tongue. I still do. Reading aloud to my kids or to myself is one of my favorite things to do. I’ll even pick up foreign language books and read them aloud, fancying I’ve got a perfect accent.

At around age eight I discovered a book of poetry in my school library. It contained various works from famous poets and I read each poem over and over, delighting in the rhyming beat. Of course, I’ve since learned that poetry doesn’t have to rhyme, but a rhyming poem is where I started. I was at my babysitters house when I decided that I was going to write my first poem, right then and there. So I did that afternoon. And what else would a frivolous eight year old write about but something they truly loved? Without further ado I give you, Sweets.

Sweets
copyright Summer Owens 1989-2009

When I think of sweets I think of cake
And chocolate chip cookies that bake and bake

The sweets of every shape and kind
Some of these sweets won’t leave my mind

The sugar plums and pudding so good
I could eat all the pudding in my neighborhood

Candy Canes and gummy drops
Sweet Red Licorice and lollipops

The sweet scent of Ginger
That sometimes does bake

The taste of my moms
homemade bread and iced cake

All sweets are so nice
and so tasty to me

That when I eat a sweet
I’m completely happy

Had I ever had a sugar plum? No. Did my mom ever bake bread or gingerbread? No. Haha! But these romantical notions fit the poem and the rhyming. I can honestly say that I’m still proud of my very first poem and funny enough, my sweet tooth hasn’t change one bit.

Evolution of a Blog

In a month I’ll hit my two year bloggiversary. I was thinking last night about how much this blog has evolved since it began.

Beginning a blog was a thrilling new adventure. The thought of people coming to read my content made me almost giddy with anticipation. I could be somebody. I could have fans! Obviously I started it for the glory, no matter how I may have tried to convince myself otherwise. And at first, it worked.

I browsed blogs by the hundreds, leaving comments everywhere. I posted two and three times a day and comments started coming in. My readership was growing. My stats soon became high enough I was accepted to work with different companies trying out and reviewing products. I held giveaways on occasion but I tried not to let these new opportunities over run my more solid content. It was fun for a time but then the novelty wore off. Sadly, as I stopped doing giveaways some of my readership dropped away. With comment decline came a bit of depression actually. I suppose that’s when you know blogging has taken too much of a priority in your life. When you feel pressure to post quality content or to try and do something drastic to increase your readership again.

It was time to step back and evaluate why I was still posting here. Why I hadn’t just decided to delete the whole thing. I’m sure I’d feel some relief, but I’d also feel some sadness. There are pieces of myself on here that I want others to know about. That I hope will help others in similar circumstances. So I’m going keep it around. And I’ve decided now that for the first time, I want to blog solely for me.

As uninhibited as I’ve become over the years, I’ve still had reservations. I’d always hoped to publish a book of my poetry so I’ve hesitated to share much of it here because if it’s on the web, it will get plagiarized. But I want to share my heart freely even with the probability that to do so will see it pierced.

I’m going to be posting my poetry and videos of the piano pieces I’ve composed and who knows what else. I’ve discarded the feed reader stats and I won’t be logging into wordpress stats anymore. I’m going to post what I want to post without reservation to whether it will make me liked or hated and that is what will make all the difference.