Extra Spiffy

Things I Learned From This Election Cycle

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 05:13:00 +0000

America is nothing if not a nation of learning and education. This election year has brought us many lessons, as well as many laughs - thanks The Daily Show!

So, I bring you a list of things that this election has taught me:

#1) There is always something that we all, Republican and Democrat alike, can agree upon. In this case, it appears we all agree that West Virginia is a shithole. It's truly the irregularly-shaped, oblong anus of the country.

#2) If you want your son to grow-up to be a brainless douchebag, name him Tucker.

Exhibit A) Tucker Bounds
Exhibit B) Tucker Carlson
Exhibit C) Tucker Max

#3) Should you find yourself loosing any contest, you should throw all decorum out the window and swing wildly at your opponent, preferably using words that are really scary to inbred morons - like your running mate.

#4) You should always vote opposite of anyone appearing on The Hills.

#5) In the Republican dictionary, fairness equals "socialism" and brain-dead equals sassy.

#6) It always takes a Democrat to clean-up the mess left by a Republican.

Goodnight and good luck... oh, and God speed!

P.S. - Check-out Gravy and Biscuits for an awesome giveaway - including a $25 gift card to Macy's and other fun prizes!

Halloween Is Upon Us!

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 11:29:00 +0000

I have never seen The Rachel Zoe Fiasco. I assume that the "project" involves whatever horrible ritual is used to raise the haggard witch from the grave and inflate her to some sort of semi-ordinary proportions by pumping her full of collagen so she won't implode within herself and fold like bed linen. Actually, I take that back - I don't think they use collagen, I think they just buy those industrial sized helium tanks and fill her like a balloon, which would account for the horrible hiss sometimes heard to emanate for her direction.

That being said, it's Halloween-time, kiddies, so you better prepare your costumes. Me? I cannot decided. Won't you help me?

Should I be:

- Inflatable "Raisinface" Rachel Zoe complete with horns, proboscis tongue (for goat sucking), outfit made entirely of bananas with gay-Great-Gatsby and back-up-singer-for-Gem-an-the-Holograms assistants

- Albus Dumbledore on Pride Day with rainbow robes and vibrating "magic wand"

- Johnny McCain complete with walker, tapioca, undead wife and conservative, moose-killing, shaved-Bush running mate

Or, should I just fallback on my old standard: a Mormon missionary who's been hit by a car with bible, copy of The Watchtower, name badge, broken bike, bike helmet and tire tracks on my shirt?

Who Keeps Voting Republican?

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 10:58:00 +0000

It never ceases to amaze me when everyone I meet is baffled as to how George Dubya Shrub was elected to the highest office in our nation, not once, but twice! Someone must have voted for him. I have the sneaking suspension that it's like buying a Pat Benatar album: lots of people did it, but nobody'll own up.

Personally, I have pity on people who vote Republican. Frankly, I think it should be classified as a learning disability. But ah, we only have a little over a month left of Bushy. It's the end of an error, folks.

On a different slant, I must apologize for my absence. I do, however, have exciting news! Ready? My novel is slated to be released by mid 2009! If you like my writing here, I suggest you pick up a copy of A Million Ways To Be Cruel by Shaun Industry.

Wal-Mart Has It's Finger On The Pulse Of Modern Culture

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 05:20:00 +0000

Forever being known as the bastion of social trends, Wal-Mart.com continues its dominance in judgment of pop culture. Recently, they've released a hot new music called "jazz" stolen mostly from people not allowed to drink from the same fountains at Wal-Mart headquarters in Butf*ck, Arkansas.

Now they've tapped into an even bigger trend: monogrammed flasks. I shit you not. I bring you, my readers, a flask full of what the f*ck. I think it's great! I plan to get a flask to go with my Faded Glory bong. Because, if I've learned nothing from recent manufacturing news - and I haven't! - it's that the Chinese are terrific at making intoxicating substances and paraphernalia. I mean, without them, we wouldn't have the roofie doll which caused pedophiles all over America to rejoice - finally, a practical solution for child molestation!

On a serious note: are you f*cking kidding me with this? An honest to God, grab-the-bible-and-lets-do-the-Charleston-flask? What late stage of alcoholism do you have to be in for a flask to seem like a good idea?

Introducing M-U-P-P-E-T Makeup

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 19:08:00 +0000

Now, you too can look like a skanky plastic doll or a velveteen Janice Joplin with MUPPET Makeup.

On a different track, how sad is it that the Bratz Doll has a more natural skin tone than Xtina?

Reality Show Quote Of The Weak

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 18:15:00 +0000

Nathan, 30, of Top Design Season 2 talking about his bickering teammates Preston and Shazia : "It's like I'm Switzerland and they're two pit bulls."

It's a great thing for him that he works with a visual media.

Britney's Future

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:46:00 +0000

Everyone's talking about how Britney's back and, while I must confess that neither of my balls are crystal, I actually believe that I've seen Britney Spears' future (as seen above). Come on, you can't tell me she doesn't look familiar. Plus, her taste in men seems to be about the same as well. It's either Britney's future, or Brooke Hogan's.

I'm Like A Bird

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 16:56:00 +0000

Oh shoot, y'all! This crackhead think she can fly. At least she's so pumped full of tranquilizers that she won't feel anything when she hits the ground.

We all know how this horrible warning ends:

I'll Be Back Shortly

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:41:00 +0000

Hey guys,

I have good news - well, potentially good news... I may have found a publisher for my novel, A Million Ways To Be Cruel. Wish me luck!

But, between that and going back to school, I'm busier than a rabbit at an orgy. I'll have some more posts for you later on, but in the meantime here are some bumper stickers I made (yes, I came up with the quotes and created them in Photoshop), so you can slap them up if you have the Bumper Sticker App on Myspace.

Hope you are all enjoying your Thursday!

If you like them, you can get them off my profile.

Gay People

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:59:00 +0000

Clay Gaykin, seen cuddling with his new infant, Ricky Martin, Jr., has recently come out to the three people that had no clue. I must say though, he looks stunning with his toned-down red hair and pale pink lipstick. Judging from this photograph, I can only assume the father of his baby is K.D. Lang.

Dear Mr. Aiken,

Thank you for your application. As you can imagine, we at HOMO Corp. receive numerous resumes daily for which we just don't have enough positions available. While your experience and skills are impressive, we believe that we have located candidates that are more suited to our needs at this time. We wish you the best of luck in your sexuality search. We will keep your application on file for a period of one year and inform you should a position become available that matches your background.

Best Wishes,
Sir Elton John

Disasterous Stand-up Routine Leads McCain Camp To Hire Out-Of-Work Comedian

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:50:00 +0000

After being booed off stage for his corny stand-up comedy bit at White-Aide: old white men helping other old white men, John McCain's campaign team has hired an out-of-work comedian (Jerry Seinfeld) to endorse their out of touch candidate.

"I'm John McCain and I'm an abacus."

I don't think this is a good idea, John. Do you remember the last time a public figure told the people to "eat cake"?

On another note, I know I make fun of the old man/dumb bimbo ticket a lot, so I've decided to spend part of this post helping them out. Now, this campaign has had a lot of problems getting hippie, pot-smoking musicians to support their campaign with rock songs from the eighties - which, incidentally, is the last decade in which John McCain could get an erection without the aid of Viagra - so, I've decided to suggest some new campaign songs.

Instead of Barracuda by Heart for Sarah Palin:

1. Stupid Girl by Garbage

2. Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry

3. Barbie Girl by Aqua

4. Stepping Stone by G. Love & Special Sauce

5. Fancy by Reba McIntyre

And for McCain:

1. Hip To Be Square - Huey Lewis and the News

2. Pork and Beans - Wheezer

Adderall Eyes All The Rage In Hollywood

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:32:00 +0000

If you shake a starlet on Sunset Strip, you should expect their eyes to jump around in all different directions, as if drawn on with an Etch-A-Sketch. Inevitably, one will get stuck to the bottom of the lens and roll around, useless at the rim. It's either a problem with blood pressure, or Adderall is making a comeback. Hey, at least these gals can follow a light with only one eye - does that mean they can only be half hypnotized?

The Sex and the City girls debuted their Adderall eyes at the DVD release party for some movie or another and, of course, no one can escape Audrina Patridge's crazy eyes - see how it's almost like their following your every move? I think she may have an extra chromosome or something.

Pamela Anderson Gets Acting Lessons From A Mannequin

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 11:04:00 +0000

You may scoff, but I hear his penis vibrates and plays music. Ariba!

Out of Afrika

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 18:16:00 +0000

American Apparel isn't exactly the classiest clothing company. Mostly, it's a store full of Fruit of the Loom knockoffs in bright colors that are supposed to pass for clothing. They also have a penchant for hiring models straight from seventies porn. But hey, they're hip cause they're on the Internet, right?

Consider this: you rarely see anyone of color in their ads, and when you do its always one with homosexual subtext. What exactly are they saying here? It's okay to be gay if you're a mine-or-itay? I wonder if they're like Aberzombie and make all minorities work in the stockroom where no one can see them.

It seems that, with their new tasteless line, they've gone way too far. The line is called "Afrika" - it's either supposed to appeal to Wisconsin hookers, or people that can't spell, possibly both. What ever it is, their model looks like she's impersonating Kelly Bundy after raiding Peggy's wardrobe.

Hell Hath No Anti-Freeze

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 07:54:00 +0000

Rumor is that Joel Madden (the crappy Good Charlotte twin, not the shoe guy) and Nichole Richie (the crappy adopted daughter of the Caribbean Queen guy, not the sister of the deaf guy on JDMA) are having major problems. Nichole is reported to have packed her things and taken little Harley Quinn to her mom's place.

Joel and Nichole, que passo? Were you unable to coordinate your Mensa meetings? Did Joel take too much time murdering music to make sure you weren't eating, Nichole? Has Harlow put on weight? Can you no longer share her wardrobe, Nikie?

That's it people! If these to well-adjusted, straight-laced pillars of our community can't make it I guess nobody can. Le sigh...

Dangerous Webcamming

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 07:24:00 +0000

In some people's hands, web cams are a dangerous thing. Admit it, I look hawt all pixelated. I bet Max Headroom's getting wood right now! I think Imma gonna try out to be one of those annoying people that tries to get you to go to a ~~sex~~ "dating" site on Myspace.

Cut Please!

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 17:08:00 +0000

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt had their portraits revealed at an eatery named Cut recently, which is ironic, because that's what most Americans want to do to the two of them. The white-matted, white-framed portraits of Snow White and Cocaine-Malibu Ken were unveiled to a bunch of white people at the white restaurant at the white hotel, the Beverly Wilshire, in white Beverly Hills.

“It feels better than winning an Academy Award," Heidi and Spencer said at the unveiling.

Yeah, I'm not sure how those two think they know what winning an Academy Award feels like, but they should savor the moment because this is the closest they're ever gonna get.

On a side note, in choosing Jimmy "J.J." Walker to add a little color to the bland mix of vapid blondes, I was surprised to learn that he was used to being photographed next to vacant, ignorant white bitches. Observe:

Zac Efron To James Franco: "We should do it together, man."

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 20:03:00 +0000

I smell a sequel to Brokeback Mountain! Brokeback Pizza Delivery? Zac was talking about doing a movie with James directed by Gus Van Sant and thanks to the discovery by John Cameron Mitchel of a little something called pornography with Short Bus, I think I know where this one would end-up - other than straight to those dirty video stores where you use tokens and everyone stares at your crotch as you enter (not that I would know what that's like, but I've heard.)

James thinks he and Zac should play delivery boys. Yeah, that movie has William Higgins written all over it. As a matter of fact, I think William Higgins did write that movie. But oh James, you will go to any length to get fresh meat, won't you? Are you going to be able to find an excuse to tie Zefron up and lick some substance off his body before your both explode? I can hear the dialogue now: "I've got a girlfriend, but she doesn't do it as good as you."

I wonder who'll be eating the soggy pizza.

XSpiffy Has Joined The 140-Character Revolution

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 19:57:00 +0000

I've always wanted to get a gift for all my readers here at Extra Spiffy, but I just couldn't figure-out what. Then, a little birdy told me: cheap. So, I thought I'd be extra cheap (and still spiffy) and get you all a subscription to my Tweets on Twitter, where I will tell you about all the twits I encounter on a day-to-day basis.

Hear that sound kids? That's the sound of me jumping on the Twitter bandwagon and gettin' all twitterpated. I'm still more of a thumpee' than Thumper, but I think I can still offend people in 140 characters or less. I'm just going to have to learn to type like Rachel Zoe eats and condense my sizable wit into that slim-fit, size zero wardrobe of hers.

Click the pic to follow my tweets, or you can see the most recent on the right side of the page below the Technorati badge, etc.

The Truth About The Kardashian Sisters

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:05:00 +0000

Caught without any translators, the Kardashian sisters are forced to use interpretive dance, wild grunts, and rapid arm movements in order to express themselves.

When asked about their IQs, the sisters respond clearly and honestly -

Khloe: 2
Kim: 1
Kourtney: (?) L? W?

Citizen On Patrol, Beyonce Knowles, Nabs Local Crackhead Tyrone

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 02:34:00 +0000

Tyrone Biggums, local crack-enthusiast was nailed by crusading avenger, Beyonce Knowles as she patrolled the streets of New York while making mediocre pop music for gay guys to bump bums to while drinking $30 cocktails and telling everyone how "bootylicious" their butts are in their new jeans.

With Beyonce on the case, Amy Crackhouse better be on her guard - she aint got enough matted weave to hide her stash in anymore. Beyonce has X-ray vision and superhuman jiggle moves with which to apprehend that particular trainwreck.

Hate Valentine Is Up And Runnin'

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 21:36:00 +0000

Hate Valentine is here, all!

In the 1800's greeting card companies started a holiday devoted to love and money - mostly money. They decided that they didn't collect enough moola from the Christmas, New Years haul, so they made up a holiday and devoted it to romance. So, I figured, if they can do it why can't I? And that was the birth of Hate Valentine.

Hate Valentine allows you to spread the hate to any twit and every pinhead year-round; as long as you have hate in your heart. Let's get one thing straight though, Hate Valentine is not about violence. We want you to make people cry without punching them - we want you to make them punch themselves and rock back and forth in the dark, cradling their torso while singing Lisa Loeb songs. We are also not fans of sexism, racism, or homophobia. We don't think there should be a limit to the people you can hate. You should be able to hate anyone and everyone with equal vigor.

Hate Valentine is currently looking for contributors: writers, graphic designers and photographers are all welcome. We will sell your designs on merchandise and make certain downloads (e-cards and wallpaper, etc.) available for download to promote your merchandise. All profits from your designs (if you are an artist that contributes designs) will distributed 75% (your share) and 25% (for further promotion of the site, so we can sell more of your designs). There is currently no compensation for written contribution, but it may be available in the near future (if it makes you feel any better, I'm doing it for nothing myself, so...) If you are interested in contributing, please contact me at shaun@hatevalentine.com.

So visit and explore the glories of the hatred in your heart!

Chainmail Links

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 16:35:00 +0000

Announcement Of The NOW:

Sorry about the lack of posts yesterday... I am going back to college, so I have a lot to do before then. Also, for those of you that are unaware of it, I have Asperger's Syndrome, so I have to register with the Students with Disabilities Office, etc. I have a busy day ahead of me today, as well, but I'll try to get some posts in also. How's that sound?

Observation Of The NOW:

Joley Richardson takes her games of Dungeons & Dragons way too seriously. I wonder if the wizard gave her a +1 heart?

Linkage Of The NOW:

Christina Aguliera leans like a chola in her cat-eye eye makeup. Chu wanna start sumthin', homes? (Cityrag)

Wilting "sylist" Rachel Zoe is in desperate need of more preservatives. She's starting to look, once more, like the rotten tomato she is. (Jossip)

"He's just like Jesus in a wife beater," says Miley Cyrus Chippette. (Pink Sheep of the Family)

Is Jocelyn Wilderstein a cougar, or does she just look like one? (Best Week Ever)

Slutty Sienna Miller keeps mistaking her boobs for silly putty. (Agent Bedhead)

Don't sport moose knuckle to your office Halloween party. I gotta write that down somewhere. (9 to Fried)

Mary-Kate Olsen announces her new fashion accessory, Ugly Best Friend! Forget about all that anorexia nonsense and hire someone far less attractive and in need of both mirror and gym membership and - voila - instant improvement. (INF Daily)

Lehman Bros Clogs The Toliet As It's Flushed

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 21:59:00 +0000

In the latest inept game of Wall Street Monopoly, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy after landing on Park Place upon which the Fed had placed a hotel. Lehman Bros agreed to go to jail, directly to jail, did not to pass 'go' and did not collect $200. The banker later repossessed all four of it's houses, the waterworks and two rail roads. It's not all doom and gloom, however, as we hear that the Bros have recently been asked to judge a beauty pageant.

Perhaps their failure will compel the rest of the financial world not spend money like it's multi-colored strips of paper with trains printed on the back. Although, the way this administration runs our national economy, we may all be rolling dice to decided who has to butcher the family pet so we can eat for the night. Hmmm... I seem to remember President Shrub saying something about his support for pouring workers' retirement funds into the stock market (I'll take 1000 shares of Lehman Brothers, I feel a cold coming on and I'll need to wipe my nose.) Yeah, that's almost as great an idea as following antiquated "trickle down" economy theories that form the basis of the Bush administration's economic polices - despite the fact that they were a disaster in the eighties - and have caused a deep, almost insurmountable gulf between the have and havenots in this country. Great job, President Dipshit!

RIP Wentz

noreply@blogger.com (BlogKat.net) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 16:14:00 +0000

With all the talk surrounding major Hollywood names playing gay characters in upcoming movies - especially Sean Penn as Harvey Milk - Pete Wentz has decided to "bulking-up" for his bid to win the role of Rip Taylor in the upcoming bio-film, Rip Taylor: My Gay Life and Times. Turns out, Rip's not openly gay ~~either~~. Hmmm... Yes, who could ever think that strappin' hunk of a man in a Ken doll wig could ever be light in the loafers?

I think they should cast Ed Westwick as Rip's secret gay lover, Liberace. No, actually, I take that back. Even Liberace would've gay bashed Ed Westwick. Straight people please take notice: I can say the word 'fag' because I am one - it's like the 'N' word for homos.

Also, have you noticed that Pete Wentz and Rip Taylor both have 9 letters? Coincidence? Maybe... Santa and Satan both have 5 letters. I smell a conspiracy! Someone alert Scooby and the gang.