space monkey pants

first stop: obvioustown

2010-02-11T13:26:15Z

Yeah… I’m over here now:

I Am Your Canadian Boyfriend

Visit me there. I’m just as loveable.

Toodles!

25 Holo-Chess Strategies Tested by Chewbacca (in order)

2009-04-23T10:50:57Z

wet willies
sexily removing bandolier
regurgitation
Jedi mind trick
Wookiee mind trick
Card trick
purple nurples
singing Life Day carols
threatening to release flock of mynocks
releasing flock of mynocks
hair-pulling
slam-poetry
tongue-kissing
85-slide PowerPoint deck
doing the Hokey-Pokey
doing the Pigeon
doing opponent’s mom
noogies
more slam-poetry
Super-Poking opponent on Facebook
Jello-shots
playing bootleg Zydeco recordings
defending Zydeco as a musical genre
tears
ripping opponent’s arms out of their sockets

godzilla and an alien

2009-04-21T15:06:18Z

Apparently, I draw pictures of Godzilla hanging out with an alien now.

Who knew?

my lovely wife in disney world

2009-04-21T14:52:07Z

My lovely wife at Hollywood Studios.

If you’re really looking for ways to procrastinate, I’ve posted more pictures from our Disney trip.

a true story

2009-04-17T13:09:27Z

So I’m driving to work this morning in fairly heavy traffic and I can see that a truck a little way ahead of me has stopped at the lights and is making a delivery. It’s a cheese truck so I don’t get mad because, hey, it’s cheese. But I turn on my blinker and ease over to the left lane, as do many of the cars around me.

But not all the cars have noticed this. Just when I am almost up to the cheese truck, the driver of a white car directly behind the cheese truck suddenly notices the truck’s warning lights — as well as the open delivery door and two men removing boxes of cheese. So, the driver of the the white car immediately starts to turn into the left lane.

Realizing that the white car might do this, I’ve stopped. It’s not a huge amount of room for the white car to change lanes, but as the light has already turned red, it’s enough.

This is when the driver of the white car notices me and proceeds to lose his shit.

(Quick note about the driver: about 60 years-old, but a hard 60. Gray hair, beard, scowl lines creasing his face so much that I can see them through his rear-view mirror. His wife sits next to him, staring straight ahead, smoking an 18-foot-long cigarette.)

So, he sees me and loses it. In his mind I have cut him off. I have cut him off and done so maliciously and gleefully. He’s screaming in his rear-view mirror, waving his arms around, and pointing at me (periodically using very specific fingers).

I see this and I distinctly mouth, “I. LET. YOU. IN.”

He freaks out even more, screaming even harder, bouncing up and down in his seat, and pointing successively at himself, then me, then at the road, then back at himself.

I roll down my window and I yell, “DUDE! I! LET! YOU! IN!”

And that’s when he grabs a SHEATHED HUNTING KNIFE, holds it up to the rear-view mirror and points at it.

So I do what any sane person would do.

I start laughing uncontrollably.

Yes, I realize he did just threaten my life.

BUT COME ON.

A HUNTING KNIFE?

“OH NO! I MAY HAVE TO ROLL UP MY WINDOW!”

He watches me lose it for a moment. Then he puts the hunting knife down, looks straight ahead, and changes lanes.

Light turns green and we drive on.

And I can’t help it. I keep laughing at him. When I catch him looking at me in his rear-view mirror, I laugh even harder. The whole way.

Two blocks from my work, he pulls off and disappears down a side street.

His wife never turned her head.

mah brain

2009-03-20T13:51:37Z

I was thinking about how to construct a personalized license plate that read “I have to pee”.

I got as far as “IHAF2P” when I realized it could be mistaken for “I have toupee”.

And now men with wigs make me have to pee.

Thanks, brain.

pro-tip

2009-03-12T17:58:59Z

If the email announcing your webinar starts with “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About UNIBA!” — where UNIBA stands for Undefined & Non-Intuitive Business Acronym — and you don’t actually explain what UNIBA means, your email will probably be deleted faster than you might prefer.

I mean, even faster than is normal for a webinar invitation.

the octopus has only so many arms

2009-03-12T13:01:56Z

Long-form text and me aren’t besties right now.

Thusly, mah Twitter and Tumblr are getting the love from me right now.

I still love you, but I have the attention span of a marmoset right now.

And its shiny pelt.

Kisses!

awwww… look at the widdle kitty.

2009-03-12T17:44:07Z

[Pre-bastardized picture found here]

first step

2009-01-30T20:03:44Z

These are two facts about my creative process I am sharing with the world in a hope to break their old lady vice grip on my brain:

If I have to come up with a subject to write about, the first sentence that runs through my mind is “I like cheese”. Every time.
If I have to come up with a name, the first name that pops into my head is Stampy. (Yes. The elephant.) Every time.

There is no punchline. Punchlines imply an ending.

This will, in all likelihood, continue until the doctor turns off my ventilator and – as the light fades from my eyes – asks me if I can suggest a good name for her puppy.