.::Sweet Addiction::.

formspring.me

2011-10-16T11:01:00.001+08:00

Ask me questions about life and love http://www.formspring.me/frostiemint

Midnight Muse

2011-09-16T00:07:00.002+08:00

It's midnight as the title suggests. Ahaha. I love stating the obvious don't I?

Hmm.

It's been awhile that I get to be alone with Papercranes and just...type. It feels nostalgic...and sad. It used to be me and my half-arsed love dilemmas and foolish teenage depression, crying my eyes out in the middle of the night (similar to tonight) and just hoping and wishing and praying so damn hard that I'd find my One True Love to make the pain and suffering go away...so stupid...so immature. But, in a way, the things I went through before were experiences that inspired me to write the stuff I did. And now...well, I've found my soul mate and I realised that I haven't been writing as much.

To be writing again like this, it wrenches my heart. It's like I'm saying hello again to a long lost childhood friend that got lost somewhere when I was busy growing up. What's sad is that it sorta feels like, as I chased other dreams (getting married and studying) I forgot my childhood dreams. I forgot how much I loved writing. I forgot how much I love spending time by myself and just scribble down thoughts and ideas that randomly pass through my mind. I forgot about the calmness midnight hour offers me and how much my imagination cries to run free. In the hectic life I live now...I...I forgot about me. I really missed writing, I realise that now.

I miss losing myself in my emotions and just typing out whatever my heart whispers to me. I forgot to close my eyes and listen to the story my heart yearns to tell. I forgot about my bestfriend, the one that God blessed me with. The bestfriend that stayed up all night just to listen to my crying, that hurt when I hurt, that continued beating me life when I felt like dying. I forgot about the closest bestfriend I had since I was small...my own heart. And while I'm typing this, I'm trying my hard not to cry but it's hard to hold back tears when you have a reunion with someone you haven't seen in a long time.

I used to always depend on my heart for support, for protection against my own mind but now I can stand on my own...I can fend for myself. I changed so much haven't I heart? And I'm not sure whether it's a good change. I miss my heart like a an old person who misses being young again. Sorry my dear heart...I have been so busy. I have neglected you. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. It's cold and I'm shivering. My nose is runny and I'm crying already. Typing like this brings back such fond memories. Everything just suddenly came back to me and I recall every single moment I've been through. The sweet stuff, sad stuff, funny stuff, crazy stuff...everything. And it feels a bit better to know that I can still remember what the old me went through. I don't ever wanna let go of that me...I don't wanna forget the me then.

Sigh.

He's sleeping, my husband, all wrapped up in his thick blanket. Usually I'd go cuddle up to him and fall asleep listening to the beat of his heart but tonight...well, not tonight. Tonight I wanna be with my heart, listen to it beating and feel alive. I won't sleep, I'll stay up all night and keep my heart company like how it stayed up for me. I'll mend every single scar and wound it has. I'll be a good listener and just...listen. Cause sometimes, you always take care of another's heart and fail to attend to your own.

So, tonight, it's just me and my heart. We'll just sit together like old times and talk. We have a lot of catching up to do.

---

XOXO, Eleena

P.Holiday: Nuzul Quran

2011-08-17T14:02:00.003+08:00

It's 2.02pm on a Wednesday. A public holiday. Nuzul Quran.

Last night me and Hubby dearest went back to Ampang. We breaked fast eating a loaf of Gardenia's vanilla-filled bread and drove over to AC, Subang. Serious, sangat mengidam spaghetti AC! Heehee X) Traffic was okay, it wasn't that jammed up. Anyways, we reached there and tawaf dua kali untuk cari parking. Mood down sikit. Ahaha.

Finally, alhamdulillah, we found a spot which was like 60km from AC (okay, exaggeration. LOL). Tapi tak terasa pun berjalan cause lapar. Ahaha. So we walked over to AC and, as we walked past the Cyber Cafe, counted how many computer screens had DOTA on (an amazing 8/10). Kami duduk bawah pokok yang rimbun di situ, menghadap television LCD yang besar dan kemudian Hubby pun pergi order makanan. We decided to share an Alfredo together. It was awwwhsuuum!!!! Argh! Serious, sedap gila spaghetti orang tuuu!!! The last time we went we ate the bolognese (which was equally awhsum!). I heard that the owner of the place is an Italian, explains why his dishes are so...amaziiing. Dreamy sigh.

Anyways, the reason we went back to Ampang instead of our usual Klang and Shah Alam pit-stops was cause Hubby needed Ummi and Ayah's signatures for his PTPTN forms. So, yeah. But it's a nice change of weather. Haa...tak sabarnya nak cuti dah! I will make sure that this week is my last at that college (for this semester that is). Dah la, tak tau nak bebel apa. Ahaha. Ciao!

---

XOXO, Eleena

Perhimpunan Bersih 2.0

2011-07-09T10:44:00.005+08:00

Morning peeps!

Okay, pagi hari yang dingin. Ya, saya bangun awal. Waaay earlier than 10.45am, which is the current time. Saya bangun pukul 8am and before you guys get the wrong idea, saya period. Period. LOL X) So, dimaafkan if bangun lambat. Kan?

Anyways, today is the dreaded (or long awaited, depends on which side you're on) day. Perhimpunan Bersih 2.0. Okay, to be honest, I am all for human rights and freedom of speech to a certain limit. Everything (except dreams) has a limit. So, when Datuk S Ambiga decided that, "Hey, let's see how many people I can rally up against the government", I'm thinking he didn't think of how majorly consequential his actions were on everyone else that didn't want to rally up (cause they have much more fun/entertaining/important matters to do/attend to during their precious weekend).

I would like to quote a friend's status she posted on FB several hours ago:

"klu btul korg nk wat perhimpunan BERSIH, tlg bwk MOP, PENYAPU, KAIN BURUK, PENYODOK dan brg yg sewaktu dgn nye semasa perhimpunan dan BERSIHKAN KL. itu lg BAGUS. tau !!!!"

Haa, kan betul macam tu! BUT! The thing is, I don't think it's KL that needs cleaning, it's the other roads leading to KL (namely roads in Selangor) that need cleaning. God! I can't go anywhere with the Goddamn traffic! My last weekend before mid-term hits me and you guys just haaad to make a f*cking perhimpunan! Why can't you guys meet-up at Perlis or somewhere! You say this is for the greater good?!

DAMN YOU SELFISH PEOPLE IWANNAGOWATCHTRANSFORMERS!!! AAARGH!!! X(

---

Dear Diary,

I hate it when people go outta their way to trouble others. They stink a*se!

XOXO, Eleena

What summer movies are you looking forward to seeing?

2011-06-25T07:44:00.001+08:00

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS: PART 2!!! HOW CAN U ASK SUCH AN OBVIOUS QUESTIOOON!!! WOOHOOOOO!!! XDD

i don't bite~ so, ask away~ ♥

.::Pecah Masuk::.

2011-06-04T19:52:00.003+08:00

The television screen is flickering. Teen Titans' on. The living room is dark and cool thanks to the air conditioner. Sayang is on the phone with his friend, tengah terbaring atas sofa kat sebelah ni and me, I'm typing is out while listening to FT Island - I Think I Love You. Ahaha. Mesti pelik as to why I'm listening to K-Pop all of a sudden kan? Tiba-tiba ubah mood :) Maybe cause a few hours before my youngest sister, Not, was watching Invincible Youth on KBS.

Assignments dalam bag masih belum terusik lagi. Ahaha. I guess I'll start on them tonight. Sayang pandai Arabic, boleh mintak tolong dia sikit for my Arabic assignment nanti. Hee :) Anyways, kecoh kat Fb pasal a guy slipped into the girl's dormitory malam semalam. Damn, fun stuff always happens when am not around. Sigh. Mesti rasa cam dalam movie gle! Awhsum! Haih. I hope the guy is still lingering somewhere at the girl's dormitory when I get back. Boleh berlagak jadi detective! Woohoo! X)

I mean, I've played tonnes of Nancy Drew games and online detective games, I should be able to at least work on some evidence and hunt him down.. right? Ahaha. I fancy myself to be quite the sleuth. I bet korang semua rasa yang my imagination is too vivid kan? Over betul ppuan ni. Heehee. Switch music, f(x)'s Pinocchio plak! Best! X) Malam ni tak sure nak tido mana but for sure, I wanna be with Sayang no matter where we are. Ngee :)

Aite then, Imma sign off now. Maybe I'll update later. Nak g minum fresh blended fruit juice!

---

Dear Diary,

This is our lil guy. Mong!

XOXO, Eleena

.::Morning Peeps!::.

2011-06-02T08:28:00.003+08:00

Morning peeps!

Sorry I haven't been keeping true to my word in saying I'll update more regularly but I know you guys would understand since I was SUPER busy with the wedding preparations and PARTICIPATING in the wedding. LOL. For those who don't know, I got hitched last weekend. Yay! Anyways, today all my classes are canceled, that's 4 classes for ya! Ahaha. Lucky or not? :) Kamu la tentukan!

Anyways, woke up around 7am+ and BBMed sayang. Dia x reply, fine, belum bangun. Ahaha. Last night we (as in me and my roommate Anisah) went to sleepover at our friend's room. Alasan: nak siapkan SEMUA assignment so that we could go and have fun today. Pergh! Best gila alasan! Memang SAH la tak kan! Ahaha! Well, I've to give them props I guess. They did get somthing done, Arabic I think, while I just wasted the night away on9. I mean, c'mon 111 notifications on fb. That's crazy! Ahaha.

Oh, sayang BBM balik tapi terpotong separuh jalan cause dia tertidur balik. Fine. Ahaha. Several people have been asking me how it feels like getting married, how the ceremony went and blablabla so, I guess I'll muster up some spirit outta this lazy arsed body of mine and write an entry.. later.. maybe :p Berbalik kepada topik (yang tak wujud) I'm typing this in hopes of at least merajinkan diri pagi-pagi so takde la kepala tertonggek balik atas bantal X)

Aite, masih belum mandi! I'll leave this entry here then :) Thanks new followers and old followers, thank you too! Love you guys! Muaah!

---

Dear diary,

I HAFTA finish them assignments today. Sigh.

XOXO, Eleena

.::Troublesome Tuesday::.

2011-05-24T20:23:00.003+08:00

Cis, tak elok cakap troublesome Tuesday. Kesian dia. Kan? Ahaha.

Okay, before you peeps get the wrong idea, Tuesdays themselves aren't troublesome. It's just that today we have like 4, yes, f.o.u.r classes in a row that I call it troublesome. Hmm. Maybe tiring Tuesday then, or teary.. or whatever.

Thank God there were two core classes today. Terima kasih kerana saya sangat gemarkan mata pelajaran teras! Tersangat best! Gemar! :) We had MUET, short for Malaysian University English Test as our first sub for today. It went swell! Seriously! I love this class! We get to talk, talk, talk, read and talk some more! Best kan? Sounds fun? It is fun! :D Mdm. Fairuz assigned us with our first essay assignment: Free Writing. Oh.My.God! Aweeesoooome! I'm totally psyched to get started on my free-writing assignment! It could be about ANYTHING! AAAAAH! XD

Okay, next up was Advanced English Proficiency with Ms. Zamila. Pun satu kelas dan subjek yang tersangat menarik! Since most of us haven't bought our books yet, she improvised instead and had us group up and assigned us topics. We were given 20 minutes to discuss the causes/reasons as to why blablabla happened. My group and I got the topic on 'Poverty'. Kemiskinan. It wasn't a bore but there were better topics I guess. Anyway, the mini presentation went well and we all had fun. I had lots of fun today since I could talk and talk and TALK! X)

Haa.Kuat bebel kan saya ni? Ahaha. Kesian kat bakal suami saya tu :p Heehee. Sigh. Anyways, keseorangan di bilik dorm. Anisah keluar berfoya! Ahaha! Sakit perut. Benci.

---

Dear Diary,

I cannot wait to start writing! :)

XOXO, Eleena

.::Henna Yume::.

2011-05-22T01:21:00.003+08:00

Okay, so, I woke up groggily around 8am+ and, after some moaning, tossing and turning, bla bla bla, I sat up in bed 20 minutes later. 'Weird', I had thought, "Aku ingat mimpi aku". It was a weird mixture of the things I experienced the other day. Actually, come to think of it, I can't remember whether it was this morning's sleep or the nap I had this afternoon :/ Tula, tidur petang lagi, dah tak ingat. Haih.

Aaanyways, the dream was a concoction of child pornography, lecherous old men and a mystery item. Yes. Bizarre. Okay, so before you guys jump into conclusions, which I believe some of you already have, let me explain (at least according to my logic) the links between my worldly experiences and my subconscious.

Last night, before I went to bed, I was toying around with my newly bought, white BlackBerry Curve 8520 and went online using the wi-fi from my house. I clicked into Yahoo! and then the World tab to read the latest happenings around the world. Biasa la, saya prihatin. Ahaha. There was this article on how Microsoft and FB are joining forces to combat child pornography. I found it to be an interesting read :) Here's the link: Microsoft and FB.

What interests me most was Microsoft's latest software, the PhotoDNA. It could be both friend and foe. Yes, memang sangat berguna tapi bayangkan, semua gambar-gambar yang kita upload di FaceBook ada di simpan di dalam software tu. I mean, with all our photos and prolly info, they can do anything. Scary. Cool, yet scary.

So there's the link to my dream about the child pornography. As for the lecherous old men, I guess that comes together with any type of porno :)

Sayang kata jangan terlalu overthink pasal benda-benda ni. Ahahaha. Now that's something hard for me though. When something interests me, I become curious of it and I just hafta know more about it. You can call it obsession. Lebih kurang la but only for certain topics.

---

Dear Diary,

Sekarang ni ingin tahu lebih tentang One Piece.
Haih. Kenapa la diorang ni update sekali seminggu je :(

XOXO, Eleena

formspring.me

2011-05-22T01:17:00.001+08:00

i don't bite~ so, ask away~ ♥ http://formspring.me/frostiemint

.::The Start Of A New 'dramatic' Sem::.

2011-05-19T15:01:00.004+08:00

According to our timetable, we should have had 3 classes today but the last class was canceled since our textbooks haven't arrived yet. So, it made me happy. Ahaha. Teruk kan saya ni? :)

Right now I'm typing this entry inside my bestfriends' room. We're eating..well, they're eating, I'm typing. Ahaha. And of course tengah bergosip pasal the drama within our class. Haih. Banyak betul drama sem ni. Baru je start a new sem, dah ada backstabbing, mengutuk and macam-macam la. I'll tell you guys about it some time. Promise ;) Kadang-kadang tu, saya pelik la. Why do people (esp. Malays) like to bring down other people so much? Like, kadang-kadang tu, budak tu takde buat salah apa pun tapi dah jadi bahan gosip. Haih. Takpe la, guess rezeki dia dapat pahala free. Ahaha.

Nyways, this is just a short post, just to keep myself and this blog going :) Have a nice day guys!

---

XOXO, Eleena

.::10:53::.

2011-05-18T22:54:00.004+08:00

That's the time currently.

At least it was when I first started typing out this entry. Since then, the digital clock at the lower right-hand side of my lappie has changed to 10:54pm. It's night, obviously. Anyways, had only one class today; The principles of Translation.

It was okay. Translation has always been a subject of interest to me. Doesn't hurt that translating pays big bucks either. Today was kinda like an introduction class where we just read definitions of translation by different well-known scholars. Like I said, it was okay. Class ended like 50mins earlier since it was just an introductory lesson.

I am pissed today too. Mega pissed. Like SUPER DUPER FRIGGIN PISSED! Yeah! The reason? Well, my stuuupid dormitory toilets are waterless. Yes, they're dry. No water what-so-ever. I have no friggin clue as to where all the water went since we have a huge-ass lake here. And it's just like certain floors and blocks that don't have water! GREAT! Even water is friggin biased now! WTHeck! Urgh. It's annoying and frustrating! Especially when, like me, you get uncomfy easily and always wants a nice bath to chill off. But nooo, I have to walk a friggin mile - okay slash that, God I exaggerate. LOL. I have to walk aaall the way to my friend's room and have a shower at her place instead.

I'm from block 8, she lives in block 6. Yeah. My daily exercise is awesome.

Sigh. Ranting won't do me any good although it does help in coping with this feeling of resentment I have towards the system here. Seriously, I have a few issues with the way these people run this place. Aaanyways, I won't be naming any names here for the pure sake of maintaining people's privacy and, of course, respect.

It's 11:08pm now and I long for a shower :(
Don't get me wrong I've showered twice already. I just love the cooling (and clean) sensation a cold shower gives me.

---

Dear Diary,

Looks like it'll be a tossing-and-turning night tonight.
Sigh :(

XOXO, Eleena

.::A Message From The Past::.

2011-05-17T18:14:00.007+08:00

The past. History. To some, a period of time to reminisce and cherish. To me, the past contains bitter-sweet memories. Some which, honestly, I rather forget but the past makes me who I am today so, I guess it ain't that bad. Right? Ahaha. Anyways, this post is gonna be short jadi jangan risau sangat.

A few weeks ago, earlier this month actually, I got a call from an ex. Let's name him, 'F'. So, remembering the way we split, it was a surprise for me but I picked up none-the-less. Right after the first, 'Hello', he hung up. Weirded out, I texted him inquiring what was wrong. He apologised saying that he got the wrong number. I let it slide since well, we have both moved on.

What was curious, to me at least, was that, right after his 'wrong call', his friend called me up asking how I was and how the marriage preparation is going. Being a curious individual, I cannot help but wonder whether it was a coincidence. I don't believe in coincidences and besides, I think it was too much of a coincidence. Korang rasa macam mana? Ntahla. Ahaha.

But, I've also been getting a few Qs on my formspring asking about mr. 'F'. I don't know what happened to have him suddenly 're-appear' in my life again. I told my beloved fiance about it and he says not to worry and think about it too much :)

---

XOXO, Eleena

.::Sunny Sunday?::.

2011-05-15T17:11:00.005+08:00

"Well, let's just say you won't be needing an umbrella cause it's SUNday!"

No kidding. You lie NigaHiga, you lie. Indeed, today is Sunday but the weather is far from SUNny. For the past hour it's been raining cats and dogs here. I was worrying about my Darling non-stop. I know he drives recklessly sometimes and how he gets road-rage at times. I extra worry when I'm not in the car with him cause, if I were with him, I could calm him down for a bit. Anyways, he was on his way back to his grandparents house from his family's house in Ampang.

Nothing much to talk about these days. Been busy preparing for our wedding ♥ so all my energy was spent for that and all is left of me at the end of the day is a very exhausted girl. My beloved husband to be mesti la lagi penat, dia yang tukang drive and everything. Honestly, I'm a really lucky girl to have such a kind, gentle and loving guy :) Whenever things don't go my way and I get moody, dia sabar je nak melayan. Seriously, he's such a miracle!

---

Dear Diary,
I love this guy so much!

XOXO, Eleena

Such a slow Saturday

2011-03-12T12:36:00.004+08:00

Hello people, it's been awhile huh?

Anyways, as the title states, it's a slow moving Saturday for me. Last night, Mother told us a ghost story. Serious, seram. Dahla true story, memang tak dapat tidur la malam tadi. You can read it here it you wanna: Kisah Seram! Mother told us the story before my friend posted it up on her fb page so it wasn't a surprise for me but yeah, if you've read the story, jangan nak tipu sangatlah korang tak takut kan? Takut, betul tak? Brr! *Gigil* Jadi, kepada yang berani, silalah pergi kutip phone kat rumah tu ya.

I slept with the bathroom door open and it's lights on. Korang mesti pelik as to why I kept the bathroom door open kan? Patutnya, mesti lagi takut. This is cause, tandas bilik saya bersambung dengan tandas bilik adik saya. Ya, saya telah dicop sebagai penakut. I don't care.. at all. Woke up around 7.18am to a text from my beloved guy then tidur balik. 8.20am dapat lagi text, yang ni langsung tak dengar pun bunyi cause phone dah dihempap oleh badan. Finally, around 9.20am (ya, semua hampir sejam je beza.. serious, tak tipu) I woke up and texted him.

He's very busy today having to send his lil brother for shooting here in Shah Alam and run errands for his grandparents. He's all stressed up and I wish I could meet him and give him a long bear hug and serap semua stress dia. Kesian sayang saya :( Y'know, there are times when you feel so helpless and useless, like how I'm feeling now. I wanna help him and carry some of his burdens for him but I can't.. cause certain burdens are internal and all you can do is to be there for him and ease his heart with your words.

Sigh.

My day isn't going great either. Such a freaking slow Saturday it is.

---

XOXO, Eleena

And I Remember

2011-02-08T22:08:00.001+08:00

And I remember..

---

I remember the dirty white of a classroom wall and how rays of sunlight would peek through the multi-tiered windows every morning a couple hours before noon. I remember the still air and how specks of dust float within it as if frozen in time. I remember a noisy background but everything is mute now, in my imagination, my daydream, I only hear your voice. Everyone else is a blur to me but you; you stand out, vivid and clear; you and your voice. I remember your face, your expression and how your words never fail to make me smile. I remember how my smile would then slowly turn into laughter and I’d let it fill the classroom. My eyes like half crescent moons behind my spectacles and my right hand would automatically come up to cover my exposed mouth. And it was just us love, just us two. I remember how you would always say the same jokes and I would still express my amusement. You never cease to amuse me.

Then I remember us hurting. I remember text messages on a dull yellow screen. I remember fear and hasty adolescent decisions. I remember how I hurt you and how you hurt me. I remember the salty taste of my tears as they fell from my tired, swollen eyes onto my quivering lips. I remember how you looked at me, how your eyes carry as much pain as mine did…probably even hate. I remember having my first regret and making my first mistake. And that was the first time my heart hurt so much I was sure I would die. I remember wanting to explain but I held back. I remember wanting to go back to the days when you would make up funny stories and I would laugh untiringly. I wanted to capture that moment and keep it with me forever; a pastel hued photo of us when we were young and knew nothing of how spiteful love can be. But, I know, no matter what I do, I cannot change the past and I remember having to live with it…even till today.

I remember a slightly clammy setting. I remember a room cluttered with bottles of paint, drawing blocks and brushes. I remember gloomy coloured curtains that were drawn together, preventing any light from outside to intrude the darkness within. I remember sitting on the comfortable mattress placed at a corner of the room. I remember how strands of my short blonde hair stuck to my slightly sweaty face. I remember mute cries escaping from my mouth and how I keep on calling out your name and questioning why…why…why. I remember how alone I felt, how pathetic and sad. I remember how my heart hurt so bad it grew numb and I can no longer feel it beating rapidly against my ribcage. I remember the clang of the mirror as I smashed it into bits and pieces just like how my heart was all smashed up by you. I remember the mirror shards and the tip of my cutter, 30 degrees. I remember how good it felt running them against my skin and into my flesh. My hands were trembling and I remember the slight fear before the initial cut. Later, I remember addiction and ecstasy. I remember endorphins brimming over and I’d push the blade deeper to release more. I remember how that was the only way I could forget my hurting…the only way I could forget you.

And I remember telling myself, no more; I cannot take it anymore, no more hurting. I remember trying to pick up parts of my heart and move forward. I’m sorry love, I thought I was strong enough. I thought I could get over you but I was wrong. I thought acting like I could care less, like I wasn’t affected, would make it easier for me to forget. I didn’t love, I didn’t forget and now the hurt inside me is overflowing once again and it feels like this big wrecking ball is banging the interiors of my being trying to make its way out of me, trying to find an exit…or make one. And some nights, I would lay awake on my bed, phone in hand, and wait. Sometimes, I would just wait and wait and wonder what you’re up to and whether you’re thinking of me like how I am thinking of you. Sometimes, I would miss you so much that it hurts but it’s alright because I love missing you and loving you and whatever feelings you make me feel. I love them all. Now and again, I would sit by myself and start to wonder when did all the pain and hurt merged with the love and happiness. I guess, I wonder too much.

I love you and I know you know because I always tell you that I do. But, at times, I wonder if you love me as much too. I want to believe it’s so but it doesn’t hurt to remind me sometimes…right? You know I think too much and more often than not, my mind tends to over-think negatively.

And they’ve told me, they’ve told me to get over you. To be honest, I think their words are getting to me but I won’t let it love. I won’t let the words or my thinking or anyone get in between us. I admit, it is hard trying to keep this up but it’s cause I believe in us. I believe that we are meant for one another and that is one of the reasons I’m still holding on; because I remember. I remember the silence of your room and the softness of your bed. I remember feeling safe and secure, all wrapped up in your comforter and inhaling your scent. I remember kissing you goodnight and the buzz of my mobile just as I was about to doze off. I remember reading the words within your text message and how your pillow got slightly wet by my tears. And you know what love, those words are one of the reasons I’m still holding on.

And they don’t know how, they don’t know how we are. They just don’t get the way you treat me and to be honest, I don’t either sometimes but I won’t let that get me down. Although you may seem harsh, I know you are soft deep inside. I guess I am to be partially blamed for your callousness. The others may coax me with sugary words and sweet fantasies but they can never make me feel whole, not as whole as when I am with you. It’s different love, being with you is utterly different. I love you because I remember how you make me feel. I remember lying on your bed with you, side by side, and how you don’t seem to care that I looked like a mess. I remember the low squeaking of the ceiling fan and how the gleam of the evening sun infiltrated parts of your room from the window that wasn’t covered by the blinds. I remember how we both talked about nonsense and laughed over nothing and it’s precisely these moments that I get the strength to hold on to us. It’s these moments that make me fall so deeply in love with you all over again. It’s these few moments that they do not see, that they do not understand.

There are times though, I confess, that I feel like giving up and letting go. Because love, there are times when my heart gets tired of wondering and questioning. And these times make me feel so shitty that I start hating myself. There are times when I feel scared and all I want is a small reassurance from you saying that yes, you love me and that yes, you would never let me go. Sometimes, I feel like you don’t care about me…like I don’t matter to you. But then my heart would always back you up whereas my mind would play the role of its enemy. It’s tiring love. It’s tiring to argue with myself and query about you because when it comes to you, it’s like guesswork and I’m no detective, you know that. At times, I don’t know what you’re thinking of or what you feel because you won’t tell and I want to know because I love you so very much. And it’s saddens me when I cannot even figure you out.

Funny isn’t it? I bet you think it is. It’s kinda embarrassing too but if I don’t let it out, I fear it may start eating me from within and all that will be left of me is just my external, peripheral being. I have no idea when it was that I’ve started becoming a chewed on and spit out, broken down mechanism. I have no idea when it was that I got so attached to you that by removing myself from you would result in my complete dysfunction. I am selfish, I know. I keep asking for more…too much…than what you are comfortable of giving. I’m annoying and have my head in the clouds at most times. I know all these. But it bothers me sometimes, to know that you are the only one that is capable of rupturing me this way.

You are the only one that can make or break my day. You are the only one that can make me feel this complete. You are the only one that can make me remember of past days and memories made like how I remember you held my hand for the first time. I remember how you would stand in front of me and kiss my forehead as I close my eyes. I remember how you would kiss both my eyelids and my nose and as I giggle, you would kiss my lips. I remember how protected I feel when you hug me and that is why I love to ask you for hugs, because I want to feel your warmth encircling my being and make me feel like I’m out of harm’s way…even for just a moment. You make me feel at ease and no other can make me feel the way you do. I remember your scent, I remember your affection, I remember your breath against the crown of my head and I remember wanting to always linger a bit longer in your arms…I don’t ever want to let you go because I love you. I know, now and forever, that in your arms is where I belong because you make me feel at home.

So, I guess, it’s okay for me to feel hurt sometimes. What’s love without sacrifice? I love you sayang, so much that if you must, then break me. You may break me and re-mend me as many times as you want because, now, I am certain that my feelings for you won’t ever change. I would still love you no matter what and that is a promise. I love you not just for who you are but also for who I am when I am with you. And because of you, I remember.

---

Written around 11pm something I think and finished around two minutes past midnight. Sigh. Now I feel a bit calmer. Listened to Yiruma's, 27th May, the entire time writing this. Definitely inspirational. Anyways, got a paper tomorrow at 9am, better get some shut eye.

XOXO, Eleena

Outings: Alamanda

2011-01-14T09:31:00.001+08:00

Alamanda is a mall here in Malaysia, my country. Alamanda translates into 'Your Nature/World', so it is a pretty name and a unique one for a mall. To me at least. Ahaha. And I love how the word rolls off my tongue :)

Anyways, last Wednesday both of my classes were canceled so I decided to drive over to Alamanda with my dearest Adawiyah. I love her, seriously. She's gorgeous and fun and naive (kinda). Ahaha.

---

That's gorgeous Ada ♥ Wondering where we ate lunch?

Yup, you guessed right. Ahaha. We ate at McDonald's. Honestly, out of all the fast food restaurants available, I love McDonald's the best ♥ Especially the Spicy Chicken McDeluxe! Yuuum! ♥

We watched a movie and walked around. It was fun. Kinda like a de-stressing thing, like yoga.. or shopping. Ahaha. Speaking of shopping, we went window shopping and I found this uber cute pastel pink with white polka mini that is TO DIE FOR! Tried it on and it fits absolutely lovely on me! (Pardon my flattering myself.. lol!) Sigh. But, damn it all. I have to save my allowance for something more important. Sometimes, being a ~~poor~~ student sucks. Ahaha.

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XOXO, Eleena

Outings: Sunway Pyramid

2011-01-13T08:04:00.003+08:00

I have not been meeting up with my classmates from my old college for awhile. So, when I came back home couple of weeks back, I decided to text them and meet up. I really do miss them honestly. They're a bunch of freaks that are easy to talk to. I feel at ease with them :)

---

Nad, Aki and Jolene. Love you guys to bits! ♥

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XOXO, Eleena

Whisper Into My Mouth

2011-01-13T07:33:00.004+08:00

---

---

He kissed my lips. I tasted your mouth.

---
---

So Baby, please.. please.. do not leave me.

---
---

Cause I wanna be your Aphrodite. Your Goddess of love.
Your sweet addiction. Your new obssession.

---
---
Exhale.
And then.. we kissed.

---

XOXO, Eleena

I Might Die..

2010-08-30T01:59:00.003+08:00

‘I might die, when I forget how to breathe’

She wishes she could. Stop breathing that is. She wishes she could make wishes out of the airplanes in the night sky for she only has but one wish and that is for her to forget. Forget everything she has been through. Forget every mistake, every confusion, every lost.. every feeling.. everything; just everything. She wants to forget how to love, how to hate, how to laugh, how to cry.. she wants to forget how it felt to be the luckiest girl on Earth and she wants to forget how it felt to fall down so violently that her soul was shattered into millions and millions of tiny bits that attaining them all was no longer attainable. She wishes to forget how to feel. She wishes her mind would just shut down for once. She wishes that the nerves in her body would have an unending blackout so she would not be able to sense anything or do anything. She wishes her heart would stop pumping so hard.. so full of life.. and just stop. She wishes her veins would stop circulating all the dirty, polluted blood in her body. She wishes.. and wishes and wishes.. and none were answered. None.

She lied. She lied to herself. She wanted him to know that she did her best. She tried so, so hard to find a replacement. A substitute that was almost as good as him. She was desperate in finding someone so that she could forget because every time she remembers him, every time his name is mentioned, she would remember how to breathe. She would inhale deeply the rich scent that is uniquely his and, as she closes her eyes, tears would escape from her closing eyelids; tears so pure and untainted that it appeared alien to the corrupted being that is her. And whenever this happens, she would allow her mind to conjure up images from the past and she would allow her heart to guide her down aged lanes strewn with memories of her and him. She would, with her eyes still closed, bow down to an imaginary him and reach out to a proffered hand equally imaginary. Her smile would widen as she starts to dance a make-believe waltz with him and she feels his gentle touch on her hand and around her waist and she remembers how safe she felt.. she remembers the protectiveness he exudes. Then, it would happen, the internal escalation of emotions. It would start from her heart and the feeling of such sincere love would spread throughout her entire body and envelope her in a warm, familiar encirclement that it reincarnates almost forgotten emotions and better-left-forgotten feelings and she would remember everything.. everything that she tried so very much to forget.

“It is not fair”, she would argue with herself sometimes. It is not fair that she can never find someone to take over his place, for no one can ever be him. It is not fair that he would just cut her off in such an unexpected way. It is not fair that he could live his daily life as if nothing happened while she.. she is still trapped in the past. She is still trapped in a time when they were still together, when they were happy.

“It is not fair”, she would argue again; her voice slowly breaking just like her fragile heart, her lengthy, chewed on nails and the rest of her flimsy self. It is not fair love, it never was. It is not fair that she is slowly breaking down. It is not fair that her mind is slowly losing sanity, refusing to live in a world where he is absent. It is not fair that her heart is slowly clogging up, over-pumping thick, murky blood just like the oil spill in the Gulf. It is not fair that her bright, colourful life was gradually becoming dark and grey again. It is not fair that she finds tears sliding down her cheeks every time something or someone makes her remember him. It is not fair that.. that she is still breathing.. still living when, inside, she is carved out and hollow - dead. She is dead inside.

But she would continue on lying. She would continue on this dishonesty so that no one would know. So that he would not know. So she would continue on living her deceitful life. She would continue on living as if everything did not hurt; as if she was happy, as if she was okay.. as if she was whole.. when she is not. She is far from happy, far from okay and far from being whole. She would continue on lying even when it was obvious that everyone around her could see that she was falling apart. She is falling apart, piece by piece, just like an old, rusty toy train that disintegrates little by little with each exhausting round it takes around the mini railway. She would continue on smiling his favourite smile. The smile he used to love, the smile he used to adore.. the one he used to fall for. Other guys have told her to smile more, they wanted to see her smile.. they wanted to see ‘his’ smile. So, she smiled. She smiled once to them before and she would continue on forcing herself to smile his smile till it looks artificial and fake, just like the rest of her.

She is pathetic; simply, pathetic. She does not know herself anymore. She used to know. She used to recognise the girl staring back at her in the mirror but no longer. She no longer recognises his favourite smile. She no longer recognises the dark, round eyes he used to stare in. She no longer recognises the brittle fingers on an equally unrecognisable hand that he used to hold ever so tenderly. She no longer recognises the long, wavy brown locks that he used to smell. She no longer recognises herself. And whenever this happens, she would bow her head down, letting her long, wavy brown locks cover her face and smile. Not the smile that he used to love but a malignant one that sent shivers down her bony spine. A smile that looks as if it split her lips in such an awful way. She does not know this smile. She does not know this girl whose smile scares even her.

She is lost again. This time, she is not sure she would come out alive and in one piece. She is not sure she would still function after all that she has been through. She is not sure what she feels anymore.. or what to feel. She finds comfort in being someone she despises. She finds comfort in forcing her heart to accept whoever that comes knocking at her doorstep. She finds comfort in imagining it was him that was knocking on the door. She finds comfort in imagining it was him that was talking to her. She finds comfort that it was him saying all those sugary, charming words. She finds comfort in blinding her eyes and shading her heart. She finds comfort in such disgusting things that she feels it was better for her to just die. She.. she is just so lost again without him. Yet, yet she continues on with this beautiful lie. She continues on telling herself sweet, poisonous lies on how he still loves her, how he still needs her.. how he still wants her around.

It is repulsive and it repulses even her but it was the only way for her to survive. It was the only way for her to save some pieces of herself in case he decided to turn around and look for her. It was the only way for her to save some pieces of her identity in case he decided to love her for who she is. It was the only way for her to treasure remnants of beautiful memories they made together. It was the only way for her to continue on living while being dead inside. It was the only way for her to show him just how much he means to her.. just how much she needed him in her sad, sickening life.

“It was the only way”, she keeps telling herself, ”It was the only way for me to continue on loving him.”

---

XOXO, Eleena

P/S:
This is something I wrote while studying History of the English Language.
Ahaha. I was bored and decided to write a bit :)

Your Only Lifeline

2010-08-12T23:54:00.002+08:00

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”..And that closeness to your Creator,
which was once unreachable,
becomes your only lifeline.”

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XOXO, Eleena

.::to unpredictableanisah::.

2010-07-11T21:51:00.003+08:00

UnpredictableAnisah asked:

If your friend love the same guy you love. what will you do? hehehehe :)))

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Ahaha. Anisah! XD

Hmm, let's see. Well, one obvious thing is, I will not back off. Ever.

I will not give him up or give up on him. He is someone -no, the only one- I want to be with on this journey called 'life' and I want his hand to hold mine when we finally reach our 'destination'; the Hereafter. Even then, I hope he'll still be holding my hand and calling my name cause I cannot imagine what it will be like not having him around.

I know friendship is as sacred as a relationship but, in this matter, when he is at stake, I cannot give in. Sorry. He has impacted my life too much and too deeply for me to hand him over to someone else. He taught me the true meaning of how love should be and feel and I'm thankful and grateful and I don't ever want to forget.. I don't ever want to forget how this 'love' is like.

You see, he found my soul and he touched it ever so gently with such loving hands and I would always find myself smiling whenever I think of him. Silly, silly, I know. So.. so, I always remember him in my prayers. I'd pray that he will be the one. Cause, I cannot stand for another guy to call out my name the way he does. When he says my name, it sounds so beautiful and special and I'd feel myself tremble inside.

So, if a friend loves him too, it would be selfish and ignorant to say that my love for him is deeper or something. But, one thing is for sure, I know that I want to get to know him more than I do now. I will not give up on him and.. and I will always be by his side. I will do my best so I will never hurt him. I don't mind that we cannot meet up regularly or see each other often cause.. cause I don't need that. I don't need what typical couples need.

As long as can I hold him close within my heart, I'll feel warm inside. The thought of him keeps me strong. I just am so.. completely.. in love with him and if, even for a little, I could make his heart stop beating or make him catch his breath or make him smile his amazingly adorable smile, then I'd be satisfied. I accept him the way he is; with whatever weakness or imperfections he has.

I can only hope this kind of love is enough for him.

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XOXO, Eleena

Eleena's Quest?!

2010-07-11T00:39:00.004+08:00

Someone advised me (well it was Nick) that if I seriously wanted to pursue writing, I should at least write something every day. Since I’m somewhat uninspired (read as ‘lazy’) right now, I haven’t been writing anything decent in weeks.. I think. Nick also advised me to maybe start a journal which I thought was a nice idea and, as of this morning, it evolved into a brilliant idea! So, I shall start writing a journal of the days I’m having. I shall keep this up and do my best not to let the journal die within a week. Ugh. You’re right; even now I feel that this is harder than it sounds. Uuh, I guess step one is to buy a lovely little notebook (I love buying notebooks!) and proceed to carrying it everywhere I go so that I could jot down every single detail that comes to mind.

Yup!

That is what I shall do! But, since I haven’t had the time for notebook hunting yet, I jotted down today’s exciting activities in my phone’s memory. Ahaha. Something terribly funny happened too! You know what the funny thing was? I accidentally deleted it XD

Drats.

Anyways, my memory is quite strong.. I think.. so, today’s entry will be based on my recollection. So, uuh, let’s see. Today, I remember sleeping late and waking up early. Then.. well, I went out and came back home and.. yeah! Here I am, typing this out! :D

THE END!

Anyways, I have got to name this journal haven’t I? Let’s just give it a provisional name first. How about, ADVENTURES OF ELEENA! .. .. ..I’m childish aren’t I? Gah! Okay, well, the name has got to be fun and simple ..and fun! Cause when it’s fun, people might wanna read it. I mean, if I could make people read my writing, even if it is just the title, it will definitely make me happy. Uum, okay, it’s settled then! The provisional title for my journal will be..

ELEENA’S QUEST!

..uuh, then I shall add the number of the entry and the title of the entry. So, uuh, please stop reading the title and just move on to the quest. Thank you!

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ELEENA’S QUEST! 001: CAR COLLECTING!

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Saturday, July 10th 2010

I have no idea what got into me last night. Oh, that’s right, my soul. My soul was in me and that made me unable to sleep. See, I believe that when a person sleeps, their soul goes out for a nightly walks and clandestine escapades to far-off realms. Anyways, I did not get to sleep last night so I decided to read online comics to.. uuh.. inspire myself. I started reading a couple of one-shots and those couple of one-shots turned into a full-blown marathon of one-shots. Gosh. Shoujo and shounen-ai mangas are so sweet and romantic! Ahaha. I never knew reading online mangas could be so time-consuming. The next thing I knew, it was already 5.15am. Uuh, but to tell you the truth, I kept on looking at the digital clock on my desktop and..

2.17am.

“Oh Gosh, it’s late. Needta wake up early tomorrow. Okay then, last chappie here we go!”

3.26am.

“Aah! Gotta sleep! Okay, last one-shot!”

4.45am.

“AJSJHDHGSGDSHFHD!!! This story is sooo sweet!”

How can I believe myself ever again? Sigh.

Well, after realising the time, I decided to wait until morning prayer starts. After performing my daily morning prayer, I switched off the lights, left my bedroom door slightly ajar, jumped onto my bed, Swiss-rolled myself with my comforter and before I knew it, I was sound asleep.

Meow meow!

I remember mumbling incoherent words and waking up to a very, very shrill sound and it sounded close too. Opening my eyes tiredly, I sat up in bed and tried to search for the source of the high decibel noise. It took me awhile to realise that the sound I heard was actually a baby kitten meowing and that its mother, Figaro, carried it all the way upstairs to play moving houses. I face-palmed and hissed.. a bit. Annoyed, I got off from my bed, picked up the small, brownish, meowing bundle of warmth and carried it downstairs while verbally scolding Figaro on the etiquettes of Motherhood. Figaro followed behind me meowing dejectedly. Serves her right for always wanting to move her adorable little kittens some place where they might get squished. When I set foot downstairs, I saw another one of her kittens near the kitchen counter. Sighing hard, I picked it up and, along with the brown one, brought them back to their home.

Figaro and her new family have a small room all to themselves and Mother even made sure Gojimi doesn’t ever set his soft pink paws there. Yet, Figaro always tries to move her kittens. I put the two kittens back into their cage and turned around to face Figaro who, in turn, stared up at me with her light, sky blue eyes. Sighing for the second time this morning, I sat down on the tiled floor and beckoned Figaro to come closer to which she did.

“Figaro, don’t do that to your kids again okay”, I stated while stroking her head. She meowed in response. I smiled. I guess, she feels left out being in that small room. Maybe, she wanted her kittens to be somewhere where someone can watch over them, somewhere where she feels is safe.

Wait.

“Eh.. does that mean you think my room is safe?”, I questioned out loud while pointing to myself. She just looked at me and purred. My smile widened and I hugged her.

“Awwwh! Fiiig!”

---

After spending some more minutes with Figaro and her kittens and feeding both her and Gojimi, I went back upstairs to wash up. Since I was already so awake, there was no point in going back to sleep. The digital clock on my phone declared it to be 8.30am. That means I only slept for an hour or so, I thought to myself, go me! My parents had alread return from buying breakfast when I came back downstairs so I helped Mother to set the table and serve breakfast. Mother told me that she and Father will be visiting my older sister later after breakfast so, if I wanted to tag along, I should get ready quickly. I considered the idea and decided to go since she (my oldersister) was going to be operated on and besides, I had nothing planned for today.

Past breakfast, I went back upstairs and hurriedly packed my stuff. I planned on bringing my laptop there just in case I got bored and Mother did tell me we will be there until quite late so yeah. They were already inside the car when I reached downstairs so, shouting goodbyes to Grandmother and my younger siblings; I locked the grill, slipped on my shoes and was on my way to the quest of the day.

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To be continued.

XOXO, Eleena

.::to anonymous::.

2010-06-29T13:59:00.001+08:00

Anonymous asked:
Would you always open your heart to anyone you haven't know yet?

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umm.. how should i put this. uhh, i wouldn’t open up my heart to someone i barely know, let alone someone i haven’t known yet. u see, it’s very easy for people to view me as a carefree girl; one that shares her problems with the world, one that talks about herself openly. but.. i’m not that kind of girl. i keep secrets and parts of my life within me so that i know it will always remain safe from prying eyes and ears. i rarely trust people cause.. cause most people tend to judge without thinking about another’s emotions.

but.. but there is someone, someone that knows about me. he may appear to be indifferent but in actuality, he is nice and kind. although his voice is rather deep but it’s very gentle. his hands are callous and rough but his touch is soft and silky.. just like his hair. i used to think i was in love before but i was wrong, when i met him, i realise that it was something much stronger and much more beautiful than that. the word ‘love’ can never define this feeling i feel for him.

this emotion is so firm and secure that just feeling it tingles my nose and i feel tears forming in my eyes. it is a very powerful feeling, one that you have to experience in order to understand. he was the one that lit up my heart and touched my soul so gently and softly that i cannot help but melt.

i was reborn. this guy, this amazing person, showed me a whole new world and no one can ever and will ever take his place cause.. cause to me, he is the best guy there is. so no anonymous, i won’t always open up my heart to anyone. he is the only one i could ever open my heart to :)

thanks for asking though!

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XOXO, Eleena

I'm Here. I Love You.

2010-06-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me ♥"

- Elizabeth Gilbert

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XOXO, Eleena