I will BRB. Kind of a break, but I want to sit and work on a good design before I blog or anything else. SC Is apart of my portfolio, so it has to look perfect.
So BRB.

OH and here is a photo of me on my graduation.

ALSO I gave the commencement speech. You can see me giving the speech here:

see you all with the new site. no, i’m not just saying all this. i’m really gonna do it…i just need to find….a mountain i can climb..HAHAHA okay okay I’ve been recently obsessed with the strokes. I need to find some time to sit on photoshop and mock up the design. I can do it though :)

The weeks have just barely passed…but they feel like memories already. I can’t explain to you the confusion I feel right now. I feel like I’m lost. No matter how much progress I make, I always feel something is missing. It’s like that one puzzle piece you can’t find in the set of 1000.

Aside from always feeling lost, I am focusing on many things at the moment. Oh, I feel so busy. How important am I? Hahaha. It feels so good to be able to write here, I haven’t done that in a while. :)))))

Trying to keep a low profile on the fact that I’ve been chosen as the commencement speaker for my graduation. What a grand surprise, eh? I’m really honored actually. In the middle of the graduation I’ll just walk up randomly to the podium and be like, “HEY GUYS Y’ALL READY FOR THIS AWESOME SPEECH THAT’S 5 MINUTES LONG AND BETTER THAN THE ONE YOU JUST HEARD FROM THE OLD MAN? HELL YES!!!!!” while “eye of the tiger” plays in the background.

I almost had a heart attack when I got the email saying I was chosen. I mean, how many times do you get to say your name was on the commencement introduction…thingy mc….thing LOL I don’t know what it’s called. But anyways, seeing my name on official brochures always gives me an edge over the competition. I can go around and show it to people and tell them it was for the Oscars or something. I hope I don’t get too nervous and mess up or stutter. That would be bad. Or like, I totally butcher a sentence…and then laugh and be like OH HAHAHAH UM OK WELL THAT’S MY SPEECH HERE IS THAT LADY THAT JUST INTRODUCED ME! OH, IT WAS A MAN? OK, THE BALD GUY IS RIGHT HERE…and then exit and probably trip over something like in Lizzie McGuire.

:O :O LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE. That is gonna be me. Holy crap.

Sooooo dang, I don’t want to go to work in the morning. What a bore. If I have to talk about another flash drive or a computer mouse I will literally google search ways to punch people that are legal and leave no scars.

What the hell is with the expectation that a cashier is supposed to know everything about every single item in the damn store? JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE I am not a freakin encyclopedia of electronics why don’t you do your own independent research because $8 isn’t going to buy me enough time to read about the xbox and why it won’t connect to your wi fi. I mean granted I’m a smart girl, but for $8 an hour I’m really only as smart as the security guard who never uses his taser on all those stupid people.

How about you stop wasting my time and call people who are paid more than minimum wage to do it HMMM xbox live customer service.
Anyways, I better sleep…..even though I haven’t been able to until 3 or 4 AM. I’m a nocturnal owl these days :] HOOOTTT!!!

The week after this is my last of college.
I guess I don’t know how to feel. Can you believe it? God, I can’t. School has been my life for the past 10+ years and now it’s just going to end. You’d probably think this is silly, but if I could, I’d go back in a heartbeat. School is my haven, it protects me. Sometimes I find myself going to school just to escape, it’s like my second home. No one can hurt me at school, I feel very peaceful there. Unlike at my house, which is just a combination of drama and chaos.

For the past few months, I’ve not been doing so well, but I’ve realized why. I knew my job had something to do with it, but I didn’t know how severe it was. This past month, being my last at school, has been extremely difficult. Juggling a job and school is not an easy task, and it got worse towards the end. One day at work I was so stressed out, after being yelled at by a customer (won’t get into this, but yes, it’s happened before…imagine having someone throw their things at you and swear at you for just doing your job) that I just had enough. Refusing to serve him, he demanded for a manager, instead, he got security. Which then kicked him out.

He left…and I remember thinking: don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. There’s no reason too. He’s an idiot. But then I did. And I can tell you I really wasn’t crying because of that jerk…..I’m actually used to it. I was upset of how my life had turned out. It’s not that working retail is such a bad thing, but I feel like this isn’t what I was meant to do for the rest of my life. Sure, I wasn’t going to be a cashier forever, but how much longer? It’s been 2 and a half years and here I am. Same box, same place, standing, waiting, dealing with people, wasting my life away for 8 dollars an hour.

How come I don’t work harder to get a new job? Or work on my portfolio? Or apply for jobs? I was so disappointed in myself. I was so sad of everything. The fact that everytime I had money, I had to spend it on car payments, loans, etc. Damn is this a horribly depressing lifestyle or what? We work just to pay off stuff.

Everyday after that was horrible. Walking into work with a dead look on my face, no emotion, no energy, absolutely nothing. Even looking around, I felt dead. I don’t want to be here anymore. I could be working on my portfolio. I could be outside. I could be anywhere. But I’m here.

While at work, I started getting stomach pains. I felt really sick, and after talking to a manager, they decided to send me home early. I was so stressed out, I was making myself sick. They gave me less hours and for the next two weeks, I was free from work. I could just concentrate on school. For the first time in years, I didn’t have to think about work! Wow. What a strange feeling. But I swear to god, I could sign my life away on this sentence when I say: my life changed in those two weeks.

I met new friends, I stayed at school more, I got so much work done, I was happy. I literally had so much fun, I can’t even tell you! My new group of friends are amazing, it’s kind of sad I only met them a few weeks before I had to graduate and leave. I guess God was blessing me with a goodbye present? Haha.

I’ve enjoyed being happy for these 2 weeks. For a long time I wasn’t, but being away from the anxiety of work….took me into a better place. I literally can’t remember anything prior to this, it’s kind of like a black hole. But I can tell you, going back into work tomorrow, is going to be a huge struggle for me. I’m really nervous…I’m really scared, it makes me sad to think that it’s kind of over. I have to spend my last week of classes with WORK.

I’ve been applying to studios, but it’s harder than I expected.

Right now my plan is to save up enough money to go to Lebanon. I have most of it saved up, I just need a few hundred more for the rest of my ticket + spending money. I’ll stay in Lebanon for a month, forget about my life in the United States and then come back and find another job until I can produce better results in the design field. Until then, I’m going to wing it. I don’t want to keep living like this, I’m going to slowly defeat myself like I have been.

My other plans will be to start working on swimchick again. Probably offer up new resources and update more, maybe that can serve as a backup plan :) I’m excited to start work on it. I plan on quitting my retail job before I go to Lebanon. I can’t do it anymore, and I won’t let myself fall apart. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I can’t do it…..I love my management, they’re the only reason I’m still there. It’s just the customers, the people who I deal with. They make it unbearable. I won’t deal with it anymore.

Well, that’s all I have to say for now. I have much more, but dang, I wrote a lot already. Don’t know who will get this far, hehe.