Sydney Psychologist and Psychotherapist

Anxiety and stress – Overwhelm or Existential?

Clare — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 01:21:45 +0000

Anxiety and stress are our alarm bells that tell us that something is not working in our lives. As a psychologist who has worked with hundreds of clients over twenty years, I believe that being out of integrity with our values is always a factor. This means that we are not listening to our own 'inner voice' that says something is not working for us. This may be a relationship, an unresolved conflict, an unbalanced life or compromise in the work we do or how we spend our time. Life has become busy for us all it seems and many of us forget that we have a choice to change things.

There are costs of changing things and there are costs of not. Everyday anxiety can occur in relation to external circumstances or from inner demands and myths we place on ourselves that we can't fulfill. Often this is existential in nature whereby we begin to question how we are living, the purpose of our lives and if indeed there is any meaning at all. Instead of being something to ignore, avoid or distract ourselves from, it can be an opportunity to make some changes and take full responsibility for how we choose our lives – and that doesn't mean responsibility according to external 'shoulds, oughts, or musts' of how we live our lives. It means responsibility for choosing everything in our lives and not blaming anything or anyone else for what happens to us.

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Stress and Anxiety – how can I change my life?

Clare — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 01:38:44 +0000

Stress and anxiety are such a part of our lives and yet many approaches focus on 'alleviating stress symptoms' exclusively without seeking ways to identify the underlying problems. For many people, once the symptoms are removed, they simply return to their daily demanding schedules and routines, only to find themselves, over time, faced with the same symptoms. Stress and anxiety are our internal responses telling that something is seriously amiss in our lives. The rate of change we face, constant background noise, pollution, demanding schedules and the unrelenting interruptions through email, mobile phones and text messages. Not enough time is given to relaxing and reflecting our our life choices, instead our free time is spent 'ensuring we have a great life' which means more stimulation and demands. Changing our lives does not require us to give up all the pleasures of modern living; however, a well life is one where we live 'on purpose' and not merely falling upon the next holiday to recharge our batteries.

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Stress and Anxiety – slow down and enjoy the ride

Clare — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 04:11:38 +0000

Stress and anxiety are our reactions to external circumstances and our own internal expectations,beliefs and memories that trigger a flight or fight reaction. In today's busy world, we increasingly find ourselves totally overwhelmed with the sheer amount and speed of information and demands on ourselves.

A major contributor to stress or factor that exacerbates an already stressful situation, is the amount of noise around us. Stop reading for a moment and listen to what is happening around you – depending on where you are, it is probable that you hear traffic, car alarms, tv, radio, talking and the constant buzzing of electrical equipment- and here comes another text or email requiring your attention.

Under these circumstances, it is hard to listen to yourself think, yet alone develop an internal sense of what is right for you. Whatever your situation, try to find some time each day to shut off as much external noise as possible and work towards sitting with the quiet – if you find this intolerable, then it is definitely something you need to learn to do. If you don't, the chances are that you will go through life reacting to things rather than being the chooser in your own life. Anxiety is often a helpful alarm system that says 'stop and slow down – it's time to enjoy the ride'.

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Relationship Problems – what’s really going on?

Clare — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 21:03:17 +0000

Relationship counselling is often sought when a relationship breaks down. Relationship problems happen for a variety of reasons but invariably a couple reach an impasse where their shared vision of a future no longer exists. Communication difficulties are often the cause of one or either partner wondering how things can go from 'seemingly good' to 'intolerable'. If each individual is not able to communicate their needs to each other whilst anticipating the other's needs, then each partner is living in a inauthentic situation where each is second guessing what is going on.

Myths or unquestioned assumptions often prevail in relationships, identified by phrases like

you should do this
that's what couples do
it's only reasonable to expect someone to do this

In relationships, assumptions are often made through the veil of our own perceptions and when our partner doesn't act in accordance with them, we often feel let down or cheated when in fact it was our own fantasy of what they were like or how we think they should behave. Good communication occurs when each individual is able to identify and communicate what they want to convey whilst at the same time exploring real meanings behind what their partner is saying.

Each partner has different strategies for coping with relationship difficulties. Often one partner closes down, refusing to speak to the other other until they are clear in their own mind what they think. If this need for temporary silence is not communicated, the other becomes angry or frustrated and the situation gets worse. Relationship difficulties present an opportunity for 'breakthrough' or 'breakdown'. Seeking the help of a skilled facilitator can get people beyond the impasse towards creating a relationship that is truly enriching and supportive – whether it is with one's existing partner or one in the future.

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Stress and anxiety – is it contagious?

Clare — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 02:15:33 +0000

Stress and anxiety symptoms seem almost to be reaching epidemic proportions. People are complaining of exhaustion, overwhelm, sleep problems and a host of physical and psychological symptoms that indicate they just can't cope. How do we deal with the symptoms of anxiety in and stress in a world where coping is considered desirable attributes. More importantly, how can we identify and address the causes of stress. Even when we make changes to our own lives, it seems that our fast-paced environment makes stress and anxiety almost contagious. The demands of others, the endless stream of emails and messages and a nagging question of whether we are really living our lives as we wish – all these contribute to a sense of overwhelm, stress and anxiety. We wonder when the tipping point will come and how we can change our lives without giving up much of what we have worked so hard to achieve.

As a psychologist, I observe many differences in how people cope with the demands of modern living. I have wondered for some some time what the differences between those who cope and those who don't. Better time management, social support, positive thinking, clear goals, personality attributes do make differences but they are not consistent. What is consistent is something about the alignment of one's values with how they are living their lives. In short, when we live out of integrity with what is important to us, we become stressed. When we are in alignment, we are somehow able to navigate external demands and ensure we are living 'on purpose'. The outcome is less stress. When we are out of alignment, external influences impact greatly, making stress and anxiety almost contagious. No amount of time management will remove our stress or provide stress relief – we have to deal with the cause and ensure we are taking full responsibility for our part in creating our lives.

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Therapy for Relationship Problems

Clare — Wed, 26 May 2010 02:06:10 +0000

Many people seek help for relationship and marital challenges and there are many reasons couples find themselves constantly disagreeing and in conflict. Therapy can be particularly helpful to a couple since it focuses on the ‘relationship’ dynamics as well as the individual differences and perceptions of what is going on and what each person wants their life and relationship to be about.

Couples seeking counselling help ask typical questions wondering what happens in a couples sessions. Therapy or Counselling involves regular sessions in which a skilled psychologist or counsellor sets a framework within which each person can share with their partner how they see the relationship. The psychologist or counsellor facilitates them communicating clearly and provides them with skills to communicate their perspective more clearly as well as ask questions of each other to clarify understanding.
Each relationship is different and over time as each person grows, misunderstandings can develop and new ways must be found to accommodate individual changes into the relationship. Therapy and counselling provide the environment in which this can be done effectively.Similar Posts:

Toxic relationships and how to change them

clare — Tue, 04 May 2010 09:02:19 +0000

Toxic relationships are characterized by bitterness, resentment, compromise, conflict and ultimately do not serve any of the people in them. They occur in friendships, intimate relationships, families and in the workplace. They are toxic because they result in people feeling sick, abused, diminished and generally powerless. Toxic relationships continue to exist often because the behaviour of the individual or individuals, which is abusive, is regularly accompanied by periods of regret, apology, good times and romantic courting. When people take time to identify the patterns of these relationships, they learn that unless some fundamental changes are made in the ‘system’ between the participants, the cycle will always continue. Identifying the stages of your particular pattern is essential if you are to change the pattern, address the issue of a particular toxic relationship and ultimately choose whether to leave and create more harmonious relationships. You must know that leaving a toxic relationship without leaving a toxic pattern only provides temporary respite; unhealthy patterns always continue until the pattern is released and changed. That is why similar relationships continue even though the particular person is no longer in your life.

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Mid life crisis and depression

Clare — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 22:30:19 +0000

Mid life crisis is the term given to the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that appear to develop somewhere between the mid forties to mid fifties. It occurs in both men and women but is often talked about more in men. Despite the simplistic phrases given to this period of life like ‘Oh, it’s just a midlife crisis!’, the sufferer may find their predicament highly alarming, confusing and lonely. Without the opportunity to be taken seriously or have a sympathetic person help make sense of their life and choices at this time, it can lead to depression.

A mid life crisis that is trivialised or criticised, does little to help the sufferer. I encourage people facing this situation, to dare to address the questions and choices they have been unwilling to. A midlife crisis can be an opportunity to ensure the rest of your life can be the best of your life – for you and the people around you.Similar Posts:

Divorce and women in their twenties

Clare — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 09:09:35 +0000

Divorce when one is young seems to be influenced by factors that are not so influential in older groups. Women in their twenties divorcing are often criticised for being unable to commit, having too much choice or simply being unable to share with another person. It is my expereince that a major factor influencing young people contemplating divorce relates to beliefs they have about life possibilities they deemed were not available in earlier times.

When I ask a client facing divorce in their younger years for their reasons, a similar story emerges. They simply do not want to do what they believed or witnessed their mothers and grandmothers doing – namely, conforming to social and cultural expectations of how women should be in marriage and society. They report that their role models often ‘put up with‘ a less-than-desirable life because they believed they should. As to whether this was the case for their own mothers and grandmothers, is not important – their beliefs in what happened is formed from many sources. Younger women are simply not prepared to do this and will make the necessary changes to protect themselves from the pain of future regret.Similar Posts:

Fear of disappointing others

Clare — Thu, 29 Apr 2010 22:25:11 +0000

Many people fear disappointing others and find themselves caught in a perpetual state of turmoil, anxiety and stress. It may be due to very low self-esteem with an individual feeling they are not good enough with anything they do for others simply not valued. Others may be facing choices they believe conflict with others’ expectations and, if voiced, will raise conflict and misunderstanding. The person fearing that they are or will disappoint others, will eventually become depressed since there is a price to pay for not speaking our truth and living in accordance with our values.

If you are facing a choice you fear will disappoint others, I suggest you seek help to work through the pros and cons of the choice. There are always consequences to our actions – there is a cost for speaking out or acting but there is also a cost for not. If you have such low self-esteem that you fear your are worthless to others, I encourage you to seek assistance in changing your self-image since a life lived without self-respect and care is one led in quiet desperation.Similar Posts:

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