Over a period of time, they contribute or even cause conditions of depression, anxiety or obsessive disorders because the internal landscape is negative and self-critical. Thus, the quality of communication a person has with themselves directly influences the creation or maintenance of psychological wellbeing.

The quality of your communication with other people also has the potential to uplift, inspire and make you feel important and valued by others. Conflict, judgment, friction or feeling misunderstood by others can leave you feeling lonely and misrepresented. Someone who has a healthy relationship with themselves and supportive internal dialogue, may feel lonely in an exchange with another person but doesn’t go down a path of self-judgment and despair that the world is a terrible place. Instead, they may feel hurt or disappointed, but they don’t feel powerless to change their situation, speak up or question their part in the results they get with other people.

Effective communication is essential for psychological wellbeing. We must become good communicators with ourselves and with other people. We must learn to have an open and supportive conversation with ourselves on a regular basis. We must also learn to become expert communicators with others and see our part in getting the results we have in our lives through these interactions.

So what has communication got to do with anxiety? Having worked with hundreds of people, I have learnt that communication is a key component to understanding and alleviating anxiety. This might seem like a strange statement but anxiety is a powerful response and message from within that ‘all is not well’ Understanding the language of that anxiety is the key. Often, the sufferer believes that if only they could remove the ‘anxiety’ then all would be well. If they can learn to communicate with themselves, listen and interpret the message that a part of them is trying to get them to listen to, and then act accordingly, then the anxiety would have done its job. Anxiety is an alert button that something else has to be dealt with – it may worry, fear of consequences, anticipation of something bad; whatever it is, anxiety is the symptom and not the cause. Getting to its meaning starts with learning to communicate with yourself and listen carefully to the messages from within.

Anxiety also comes from difficulties in communicating with other people. Many people dread having difficult conversations with other people where they anticipate negative responses, blame or criticism. They then avoid these conversations and anxiety arises again – anxiety that the problem has not gone away and anxiety and self-blame that they have short-changed themselves by not standing up for themselves.

People can learn to identify, label and understand their thoughts, feelings and meanings. This, combined with skills to effectively listen and communicate with others, empowers the individual to be the author of their own life and not someone who is pushed around by external events and circumstances.
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Shania Twain

Apparently she is suffering from Dysphonia, a condition whereby a person loses their voice following, amongst others things, emotional trauma. It would appear that she has experienced her fair share of trauma, more recently the betrayal of both her husband and best friend (who are now partners) has undoubtedly contributed a lot of stress to her life. She herself states feeling she should keep everything to herself and present a strong face to the world, has taken its toll.

Having worked with hundreds of individuals over twenty years, I have come across others whose inability to speak the unspeakable or express deep trauma, results in losing their voices. This would seem to be particularly the case if a person needs or uses their voice in their professional life. Other examples of the ‘body speaking the mind’ so to speak include a football player who repeatedly broke his right foot (whilst not on the football pitch), a golfer who damaged his fingers on the hand that guided the club (again outside of playing golf) and an opera singer who lost his voice with no apparent physical damage to his larynx (voice box).

Effective communication is more than verbally expressing something. Effective communication skills begin with our ability to have a conversation with ourselves, to listen to that inner voice of what we need and to listen carefully to what we must do to live a life that is congruent and authentic.
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What is a Crucial Conversation?

Kerry Patterson et al (2002) used the term Crucial Conversation in the book Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes Are High. They define a Crucial Conversation as one in which:

• Opinions vary
• Stakes are high
• Emotions run strong

Imagine the potential for crucial conversations in the workplace? Opinions differ all the time together with emotions as people have different beliefs about how things should be done, how resources should be apportioned and the likely outcomes of action. When the stakes are of these differences are high – and this can be in terms of human resources, finances, strategic, diplomatic costs and more, we have a Crucial Conversation.

Whilst I would encourage people to read this book, I would like to share with you some key bits of wisdom I have learnt over the years from my clients that might shed light on how to acquire the art of having crucial conversations.

• Crucial conversations with others must be preceded with the ability to have crucial conversations with yourself.
• When you can handle your own emotions about something, you will handle other people’s emotional reactions to what you have to say.
• When a person is able to reflect on the effect they or their message has on the other person and empathise with the other person’s perspective ‘in the moment’, they can maintain a co-operative dialogue and salvage a conversation that might otherwise be conflictual.
• Trust between people is essential to navigate to a good outcome of a crucial conversation.
• It is easier to convey challenging information when one’s request or comment is balanced with more positive support for the other person’s point of view.

The first three points relate to the changes that must come from within a person – the ‘inner work’ I referred to earlier. This is essential if the person suffering from anxiety is to find long-term solutions to working with diverse perspectives whilst obtaining cooperation from others. I tell my clients that anxiety is a feeling rising from within that is shouting very loudly to be heard. It is my job to work with them to find the language of that anxiety. Invariably, in the social context, it arises when a person fears being criticised, made to feel foolish, undermined or experiencing a feeling of inadequacy. These internal fears are often so great that they prevent a person from attempting crucial conversations. Instead they avoid them at all costs, giving rise eventually to more conflict and cost.

The last two points relate to some of the conditions under which an effective crucial conversation can be had. Whilst it is outside the words of this blog to provide an in-depth training in the art of crucial conversations, suffice to say that trust, empathy and respect for other people’s perspective is essential. Without these crucial ingredients, one has to resort to force or organisational rank to make their point rather than gaining cooperation and ideally collaboration from others.

References: Patterson, P. Grenny, J. McMillan, R. & Switzler, A. (2002) (2002) Crucial Conversation in the book Crucial Conversations: Tools For Talking When The Stakes Are High. NY: McGraw HillSimilar Posts:

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“Build the mental picture of what you really want, not what someone else wants you to have or what you think it is your duty to have – but what you really want. Many people lead miserable lives of failure because they try to please others. Your life is a divine gift for you to live, not for someone else to live for you. Only what you sincerely want can make you happy. Build mental pictures upon that and nothing less”.

You owe it to yourself to seek the guidance to help you navigate the changes to live the life you truly want to live. If you are feeling anxious or even experience panic attacks, the answer to your dilemma might be nearer to home than you think. Similar Posts:

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Counselling is a context in which a skilled counsellor works with an individual (or a couple) to help:

• Identify the nature of the problems facing the person.
• Evaluate the options the person has in terms of solving the problem.
• Process difficult or complex emotions associated with the challenges.
• Identify a person’s blind spots and point out their choices – particularly those which are not seen or denied.
• Develop a strategy or plan to make changes for the future.
• Learn and practice social and interpersonal skills to help the person form better relationships.
• Develop better communication skills and the courage to increase assertiveness or autonomy.

Counselling usually takes place over a limited time with approximately 6 – 12 sessions of one hour each. Psychotherapy is a longer term approach to solving a person’s difficulties. It takes place at regular intervals (usually weekly) in the context of a relationship between the client and psychotherapist. Focus is aimed on helping the person understand their life better and identify patterns which they have developed which may no longer serve them.

Psychotherapy is not as focused at working towards an outcome. It is an evolving process in which the individual looks at long-standing behaviours, attitudes and ways of looking at the world which have resulted in their life and relationships being as they are. The aim is for the person to become more autonomous and not be driven by unconscious triggers, instead see the role of reactive behaviours and repeated patterns that no longer serve them. Psychotherapy can result in the person changing dramatically and seeing themselves and the world differently. It occurs when the person is able to become more reflective and open to becoming an observer of their life experience as well as the atuhor of it. It requires taking full responsibility for one’s life and not blaming others or circumstances for what happens to a person. By making conscious, some more unconscious impulses to behave or attract similar dynamics into one’s life, the person can truly become the author of their own life.
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However, whilst self-reflection and examining one’s current circumstances is enormously valuable, I would like to offer something important in how anxiety is often exacerbated.

What mental diet are you on?

We all know that our physical diet is important – a few days of overindulgence or with too many sweet or rich foods, makes us feel tired or sluggish. We need good fuel if we are to perform at our optimum. In the same way, what we feed ourselves mentally is essential for our psychological wellbeing. If we feed ourselves on negativity, trauma and distractions, there is no doubt that we will, over time, feel anxious, negative or even depressed. Watching the news repeatedly, filling our minds with trauma or fear – if only fictitious through a movie, has a negative impact on our outlook on life.

When we view information about an earthquake or tsumani, it is understandably tragic and distressing but to watch it over and over again, makes us more fearful of such a situation or even our ability to trust anyone or anything. We simply feel anxious. As with our physical diet, we feel unbalanced, exhausted and with indigestion.

Whilst I think it is important to be informed of what is happening in your environmment, I suggest you limit filling your mind with negativity and trauma, instead take inspired action to improve your life, those of people you care for and even offer your services to the community – contributing to others reminds us that there are some wonderful things happening in the world as well as trauma, fear and limitation.Similar Posts:

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Saying ‘No’ or ‘Not Yet’ or simply ‘I have too much on my plate at the moment and can’t do this now’ is enormously difficult for many people. Often they appeal to other people about the reasonableness of the demand but regularly they see everyone else doing a lot and may not even stop to consider that they have choice.

Whatever process you go through, the cost of putting aside what you know to be right or good for you is enormous. It also sets up an expectation from others that you can be cajouled into doing something even when you tried to say no. Why is it so difficult to say no? Basically, it causes anxiety which is compounded if others resist our choice, criticise us for it or directly or indirectly threaten us with something that is important to us.

Here are some tips for saying no:

• Firstly decide clearly in your mind that you want to say no. A half-hearted response to a demanding person or situation wil be difficult to maintain.
• Look the person in the eye and say ‘No, I can’t do that now’ or ‘Unfortunately, I can’t meet that deadline but I can do…..’ – in other words, take responsibility for your choice to say no and say exactly what you are doing.
• Don’t appeal to outside circumstances hoping that the person demanding your time will be sympathetic to you. It is your responsibility to decide and whilst offering the reasons for your choice might include more detail, the desired outcome alone should not be due to the person demanding, changing their demand – you have a part to play in this too.
• Extend your response from ‘no’ to ‘I have thought about this in some depth and unfortunately the answer is no’ (or not by this time). When you say ‘no’ on its own, it can come across as reactionary or uncompromising. To say that you have considered it before deciding puts you on much firming footing.
• Accept that you may feel uncomfortable when you say no or negotiate deadlines with others.

When you have been doing something wrong for a while, doing it right is going to seem wrong. Ultimately, you are responsible for your health and wellbeing. Although it is important to compromise with others and consider their expectations and priorities, you alone are responsible for yourself. Burnout is a reality which often creeps up on people unawares – and on hindsight can often be linked to difficulty in saying that small word ‘no’. Similar Posts:

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