Take Me Back to Indy

Priorities

2011-10-24T13:07:00.002+07:00

My friends over at United Racers League got myself to think and contemplate (again).

Am I self-sabotaging myself?

"I get so wrapped up with my plans and worrying about things being perfect that sometimes I just can't bring myself to start things."

Yes, I was kinda over-scheduled at times, now I'm trying to balance myself a little bit. In the past few weeks, I've seen things I've never seen before, I've done things I've never done before, and I've felt things I never felt before. So here we go...

1. Better communication with my own family, and that's what really matters.
2. I got a new haircut for the first time since 2010.
3. Managed to study intensively for TOEFL ITP test.
4. Got a quite surprising TOEFL ITP score, beyond my expectation I should say.
5. Just completed my (real) driving course.
6. Finally got my own (real) driver's license after all these years of sim racing.
7. Helped my mom to find a fabulous LCD HDTV for her birthday (I can also play my stuff in 1080p on the thing).
8. Being able to show my true feelings to my significant other.
9. Made 300+ miles round-trip journey in one day to meet up with my significant other. Yep, I know.

But all came with some expenses.

1. Scrapped a handful of my future plans.
2. I relieved some of my duties as a virtual race steward.
3. Canceled my participation in some rFactor/GTR2 leagues.
4. Put several of my video projects on hold.
5. Nuked my future online business plan.
6. Went AWOL on some forums.
7. Got ill after trying so hard to finish what I have to finish (not to finish what I have started).

All in all, I still have a long way to go. Once in a blue moon, I follow "one thing at a time" concept. Now I need to understand the approach better so I could spend my nights clutter-free. Yep, I love racing (literally) and from time to time my mind keeps racing when I really want to crash in my bed once in a blue moon (literally or not).

Maybe someday I should give up the life I planned in order to enjoy life happily without too much to think about, just like Patrick Star perhaps. Nevertheless, I'm going to do another 300+ miles expedition, this time to look for a chance to make yet another trip, halfway around the world.

Thank you again everyone, I'll see you in the funny pages.

The Closest Thing To You Is The Furthest You Can Go

2011-10-23T15:34:00.008+07:00

To cut a long story short, I've been dealing with my so-called real-life recently. Well, I missed Kentucky and Las Vegas too.

On that fateful day, I found some news about Dan Wheldon for the first time from a friend.

Usually, I always wanted to say "It happens, just believe it, and let's move on" to people who said "I can't believe that he/she died"-quite common in some YouTube comments, from talking about the shocking death of Ayrton Senna to the complex chronicle of Michael Jackson's last moments.

I've gotta admit, this was the first time I found myself in disbelief,

"I can't believe Dan Wheldon died!"

What they were doing now? I thought the news was another publicity stunt from INDYCAR since they had been continuously trying to make the final race at Vegas like a circus show with $5M jackpot. Out of my curiosity and just to confirm the news myself, I visited indycar.com and I was shocked, but still couldn't believe what happened. So there I went to YouTube, looking for the footage of the crash, and... I still couldn't believe my eyes then!

Momentum, momentum, and momentum, they wouldn't stop talking that IndyCar Series will rise again from the ashes (back to the good old days of CART maybe?). From the announcement of 2011 IZOD IndyCar World Championship, the month of May, the development of new chassis, until the night at the Vegas strip, everything went horribly wrong in a matter of minutes. The supposedly entertaining season closer has become more heart-wrenching than Hawaiian Super Prix. All the hype prior to the finale sadly has turned the aftermath of Las Vegas race even more tragic.

I managed to record this in August.

When I heard Dan Wheldon, the first thing came to my mind was his old Klein Tools racing machine. Back in 2005, I heard his name a lot from watching IndyCar Series on Star Sports. He was the man to beat, and honestly, I often hoped some other guys to show up in the victory lane. I also remember having a good time with IndyCar Series 2005 for PS2, one time I spent all-night long racing at Texas to beat Dan. Until this year's Indianapolis 500, I was not really a fan. The last race for the old Dallara chassis turns out to be the last one for Dan too.

Death, the closest thing to you is the furthest you can go.

As a tribute, me and some of my friends over at IWK rFactor server did a race at Indianapolis Motor Speedway in memory of Dan's last victory.

(22 June 1978 – 16 October 2011)
Goodbye, Daniel Clive "Dan" Wheldon!

The Unattainable is Invariably Attractive

2011-09-19T14:45:00.005+07:00

"Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted." -Winston Churchill

There were times I made mistakes. There were times I just wanted to give up. For this time, I want to say "Let bygones be bygones." What comes around, goes around. I may stop breathing one day, but life goes on. Although not knowing whether my persistence and perseverance will pay off or not at all someday, at least I will not stop chasing my dreams without trying. And yes, sometimes I need to change my approach, or even change my direction altogether towards the other way.

"It Shoots Further Than He Dreams" by John F. Knott, March 1918. Eventhough I virtually have tons of "unrealistic" dreams, now I'm trying not to bite off more than I can chew so that I do not "hurt" myself.

Sometimes, it's hard to believe some of the things that have happened to me. I've come across choices, and I should've known what to do and what not to do. One small mistake could lead into a major catastrophe, but to be mere successful at the end is also not my ultimate goal. It is the courage to continue that counts. Every blink of an eye is a new moment.

"Life can be fragile. One minute, you are minding your own business, making all kinds of plans. The next minute, your life changes in a very drastic way." -Godfrey

So, what now?

"I don't want to waste my time, become another casualty of society. I'll never fall in line, become another victim of your conformity, and back down." -Fat Lip by SUM 41

I really want to do this experiment sometimes. Through my own way, you know I'm not afraid to stand up alone.

As a reminder, had you read "The Ugly Truth", I guess you would have understood what's been up in here lately. It's not about being good and bad anymore, but rather about being good or complete evil. As long as I don't want to let evil deeds to become an accepted "false conformity", I guess I'm in the right path.

These days, I've been talking to peeps here all the time and I guess things went better than I expected. I feel much better now. Bunch of old friends showed up, my parents are cooler now, and I guess I have found a wonderful significant other. Not to mention I can start pwning the world in 1080p now.

My mind was just exploding but now I want to say thank you to everyone who have helped me through my despair.

Last but not least...

"Talking is used to hide one's inability to act." -Jenny Holzer

Would you please excuse me now because I got a dream to catch up.

Motegi 2011 - Sayonara

2011-09-19T13:53:00.002+07:00

I did the preview on race day yet I miscalculated the time conversion. I was only able to watch the last 10 laps. All I could do was just watching the highlights on YouTube. That's it.

Race control screwed the race again to say the least. Clumsy double-file formation and Dario Franchitti "got away with it". I feel bad for Graham Rahal again and that supposedly Motegi dominator guy JP de Oliveira. Couldn't believe EJ Viso made contact with teammate and local hero Takuma Sato as well. Scott Dixon won, but the biggest winner of the day was Will Power.

Two races to go.

Sayonara!

2011 Indy Japan: The Final Preview

2011-09-18T07:40:00.006+07:00

One thing that could hurt me the most is, well, I gotta say, a farewell.

There are times in our lives that we should overcome the inevitable nature of the Earth, and I am pretty sure the people of Japan know it and will be able to move on. The crowd attendance in Motegi probably is going to be massive compared to some of the races in the calendar this year combined. I don't really care where INDYCAR go, if you got a legion of enthusiastic fans, then we should have a race there. For the first and the last time this year, now I can watch the race in a relaxing, sunny Sunday noon.

The week started with a not-quite-so-shocking announcement, 2011 Indianapolis 500 winner Dan Wheldon will race in Las Vegas season finale to steal $5 million cash prize. I reckon the so-called IZOD IndyCar World Championship race will not be that glorius at the end.

I find this video very disturbing. Not so much rocket science, but why do they use oval configuration on a road course? Did they just accidentally lose the 3D file? INDYCAR will race in the road course this year because of the earthquake, I always wonder how bad the damage to the oval track is that they were not able to have it ready for a race. Scott Dixon took pole with a 1:38.3918 lap. I just read the race preview on RACER, 600hp Toyota V8-powered Formula Nippon car pole time was 1:35.012 this year.

We have seen some ugly crashes in the oval. This one particular crash is kinda "related" to me. I currently race Bobby Rahal's #7 machine in a rFactor league. I was not able to start the race in Motegi due to my rF crashing.

Three races to go, one road course and two ovals, my money is still on Will Power.

UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL

2011-09-11T00:25:00.008+07:00

I am not a philosopher, but 9/11 surely affected my future back then. Had these series of unfortunate events not occured, there would have been no Youth and Exchange Study, I could have never gotten a chance to come to America. I could have never met new friends, I could have never learned more. I could have never gone to witness 2010 Indianapolis 500, I could have never seen WWE steel cage match live. Basically, I could have never lived my life like I am today.

Well, I like music. As far as a mark of respect for the victims of 9/11, I'd like to share a song or two as a tribute which could also be related to the racing world.

"Peaceful World" is a 2001 song by John Mellencamp and India.Arie. The song has made its way into the history of Indy Racing League and Formula 1.

The first segment of the video is the ending part of 2001 Indy Racing League season review. Yes, 2001 was also a crucial year in American Open Wheel Racing.

Some of you might find this weird in the beginning:

INDY RACING LEAGUE
"TAKE A RIDE WITH US"
IMS PRODUCTIONS
DIRECTOR: TONY GEORGE

Wassup, TG haters?

At one "If you're not part of the future" part, it shows the mighty Captain Roger briefly. Hmmm, was IRL implying that Penske would finally leave CART forever?

The second segment highlights Helio Castroneves' first Indy 500 win. The team is featured heavily there. I think IRL was trying to show everyone rather than competing in the dying CART series back then, Penske had more fun in Indy. Talk about dying, in mid September, Alex Zanardi almost lost his life in a major accident in Germany.

All in all, the song makes me cringe for some reason. I recall the tension of AOWR split at that time, which at the end would become a war that's not worth winning.

The acoustic version of the song is also featured in the 2001 F1 season official DVD review as a background music, played as an intro to the highlights of the second US Grand Prix in Indianapolis.

"I think it is the whole world's tragedy. We have to look at what is happening and the feeling in the paddock is not the best. No one is happy. Normally F1 is a celebration but there's nothing to celebrate here when we see what is happening around the world. There is stress, everybody is concerned and the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning is to turn the television on to see if there is any news. We still have to carry on, we have to take care of what is happening but we can't stop otherwise the people that attacked the USA will have won their battle and we cannot let this happen." Jarno Trulli, 9/14/01

I always wonder.

Is there ever going to be a peaceful world on Earth?

Broken Promises

2011-09-06T14:39:00.002+07:00

Over one year ago, some people were wondering why I named this particular video as "Broken Promises".

This time I'd like to give you some answers.

Or maybe not.

All I can say is, I made some promises before I left Indonesia for USA. I just thought the promises had been broken in some way. Let me make this clear and simple now. It was NEVER my fault.

Let's move on.

Baltimore 2011 - Please Stay with Us!

2011-09-06T01:06:00.009+07:00

This is actually going to be my first post about INDYCAR. I was going to do a preview for yesterday's race, but my plan fell through due to time constraint. Well, I don't always have 24/7 internet access.

Nevertheless, here are my thoughts on the inaugural Baltimore Grand Prix, through the eyes of a person who doesn't even have VERSUS or ABC or ESPN or SKY or whatever on TV. Lucky you, people. Be thankful for what you have.

All I could do here in Indonesia to follow ICS is watching through the internet, while the livestream itself comes from an "illegal" source, since Race Control doesn't show live footage anymore. You can imagine how uncomfortable it is to deal with webstream, with significant, lower video quality. You have to be prepared for the occasional lag.

I want to start reviewing as early as... right when the track was on YouTube.

I don't understand why INDYCAR didn't seize their partnership with iRacing to make some more virtual videos. All I know Immersion Media has also made some content for other company, like NFL and NASCAR. I was never really satisfied with their product, until they amazed me with a quite detailed city of Baltimore. But only THAT.

I don't like the way the car moves. It's like riding on a constantly galloping horse, and I failed to feel the sense of speed. Probably it has something to do with the animation department, but I couldn't see the driver hands shifting through the gears. Lastly, it doesn't show us the chicane before the start/finish line, and I guess you know why.

In the morning warm up, the crash between Tony Kanaan and Helio Castroneves took many people's concern. Fortunately, the two best friends didn't hurt each other. They had to start the race from the tail end, though.

Please watch this Giorgio Pantano interview I captured, just in case you want to see how "decent" the livestream was. On top of that, the race started at midnight Indonesian time, as usual!

Respect, at least we always get same day highlights. I was expecting Sebastien Bourdais to battle Will Power at front, but it didn't turn out as I expected.

THE GOOD:

- New venue, well attended. American Le Mans Series joined the party too.
- Robin Miller is a character. He should have dressed as Bozo the clown. I wonder if he would meet Tony George again.

- Clean start, yellow flag didn't come until later in the race, disappointing for "crash fan" and some pundits who already predicted there would be so many accidents.
- Classic IndyCar trafic jam, eventhough turn 3 is wider than the old Long Beach hairpin.
- Some nice scrap going on, including when Dario saved himself from a spin.
- Enjoyable race overall, with unexpected turnout in the final results.

THE BAD:

- Please, Pantano. I hope you'll get another chance to show your promising talent.
- Who took control of the mic? Seriously, how many times it happened this season?

- A WTF moment right after the start. Who else to blame?
- Please abolish those kind of knee-jerk chicanes.

- Unorthodox pit road location could have caused some problems I guess, or maybe not.
- Bourdais went out of contention early. Could have played major role in the afternoon.
- Another awkward long caution period.

- When the traffic jam ensued, people were screaming and crying so BB could penalize Briscoe.
- Graham Rahal's day was "screwed" again.
- What's all the fuss about Danica?

Power is now trailing Dario Franchitti closely in the point standings. Prior to this race, I thought it would never be that closer. I voted for Oriol Servia in Firestone Tire-ific Move of the Race, eventhough I should have voted for TK. I don't know, but I think Servia should get more "chances" to shine this year with Newman/Haas. Historically, I support TCGR, but now I dislike their drivers.

I think Baltimore should become a mainstay event, no matter how bumpy the track is. It's going to be good for the sport. IndyCar Series events need to be accompanied by other series events in the same weekend, Firestone Indy Lights is fine and ALMS will surely boost track attendance, but how about Formula 1? Or maybe TG doesn't really want IndyCar to be compared directly with F1. Wonder how Road America and Laguna Seca will fare in the upcoming years. Now we only have three races to go, one road course, two ovals. Too bad, I can't see some "all-star" drivers coming for Las Vegas race.

The only driver I could think of, was Willy T. Ribbs, but he had a rather uneventful day in his return to FIL.

For some reason, when I hear Baltimore, I always remember my fellow former exchange student Gineng. He said he wanted to be hosted in Baltimore because the music video of Toni Braxton "Un-break My Heart" was made in the city. I haven't asked Gineng again, maybe someone knows something about that song.

OK folks, that's it for tonight, hope you enjoyed it. Take care.

Cep.

EXTERNAL LINKS

2011-09-04T23:17:00.000+07:00

...and he’s on it

1070 THE FAN

15 Days in May

16th And Georgetown

Ask the Expert blog: IndyCar Series

AutoRacing1.com

Autosport

Catchfence

ChampCarStats.com

CrimsonCast

Disciple of INDYCAR Weblog

Drive Hard, Turn Left

Drunk Chicane

Flat Around Tarzan

Formula One America

Fun Race Time

GPWEEK

Grab Bag Sports

I AM INDYCAR

IndianaRacing.net

Indy Race Place

Indy Racing Revolution

IndyCar Advocate

IndyCar Garage

Indycar Racing 3d renders + more

IndyCarScene.com

Is it May yet?

Johnson's Indy 500

JP's IndyCar Blog

More Front Wing

motorsportretro.com

No Fenders

Official Blog of Ibrahim

Oilpressure

Open Whee America

Open Wheel Fury

OpenPaddock.net

Pop Off Valve

Pressdog

RACER

racingnation.com

rFactor @ IWK

rFactor @ Kaskus

So... here's what I'm thinking

SPEED

SpeedCenter

The Backmarker Blog

The F1 and Motorsports Archive

The Official Blog of the IZOD IndyCar Series

The Silent Pagoda

the_race_gIRL

Through The Turbulence

Tifosi Thought

Too Much Racing

TrackForum

Triple League Racing

Turn 5

United Racers League

VirtualR

Welcome to Indiana-ville

You Don't Know Jack

Zona Formula 1

The Ugly Truth

2011-09-04T21:53:00.026+07:00

Dear folks,

Before you start bashing on my grammatical skills, I suggest you to read MY APOLOGY first.

______________________________________

“Though it’s odd, you’re never more alive than when you’re almost dead.” -Tim O'Brien

Enter my life, circa 1990s.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be an astronaut."

A common question, with somehow a rather impossible dream to achieve for a kid from a small town in Indonesia. I recall the reaction from my parents, they realized I wanted to be something that they knew I can never be.

So that's how I started becoming a geek, coupled with my fond love of SEGA GENESIS at that time. I also spent a heck amount of time watching a lot of documentaries on TV (Built for The Kill was my favorite, I was not able to get Carl Sagan docos back then) while digging in my big brother's textbooks. Before long, I discovered auto racing, and got my first Windows 98 computer. I guess my destiny was to become a geek, I should be able to live it to the fullest.

My parents were always by my side. They would always teach me good moral values and righteousness, how to be kind to everyone and everything, and I listened to them. I stayed out of troubles, never said a coarse word, never tried to be a heavy smoker, never drank alcohol, never got high on drugs, and never got into physical fights with my peers except with my big bro. I also did quite well in elementary school, and probably that's why my parents were quite supportive of my hobbies. Sure enough, they bought me the first two generations of SONY PlayStation and a more powerful computer, but not strong enough to run Splinter Cell smoothly.

Let's fast forward to 2004.

"There was a time I could see. And I have seen. Boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off. But there isn't nothin' like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with his tail between his legs, but I say you are... executin' his soul!" -Lt. Col. Frank Slade

In the 7th grade, I was physically and mentally abused by an English Teacher, which kinda made me become a pacifist. I don't want other people to be treated the same. I won't accept the same event ever to be repeated again in the future of all mankind. More details on that later, it's quite a hard story to tell.

The unfortunate event has played a big role in my life. From that point on, I always stand up on what I believe is right. Even if it's against the "reality".

***Rant Mode Engaged***

Here, we all know that many things are being done wrong, yet there are not so many people have the audacity to stand up. My parents said to me once, "Do not be afraid to stand up for what is right." You might think that I made enemies throughout my life, but to be honest, I don't hold any grudges to anyone.

"don't dislike someone for their actions, consider instead the situation that causes it." -Don't Hate The Playa/Playette Hate The Game on Urban Dictionary

I might sound like whining on everything in sight, but that's pretty much what you get to see here. People keep calling it, "reality". However, I define it in my dictionary as "false conformity". Were they happy because they have had "enough" good things or because they choose to ignore the bad? How could you have lived happily, in a rusty, claustrophobic steel cage, with no believe whatsoever that you could have at least invented Rust-eze for all those years?

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." -Albert Einstein.

One day, a teacher from my junior high school said to the class in an assured manner, something like, "Screw video games, they will make you dumb and stupid, not beneficial at all."

Hmmm... What a display of utter ignorance of the history of science and technology, which have been often related the video games industry. It's an insult to the likes of Nolan Bushnell, Alexey Pajitnov, Hideo Kojima, John Carmack, and David Kaemmer. Don't ask me why this place will never be suitable for my geeky life.

I don't know if I was the only one who would think this way, or maybe there a lot of other people in the other part of the world who also think the same way like I do. I did want to break out free, and making some action. There are times when we need to break out of our network to innovate, but was it worth the pain?

Time for another "cool" story, bro (a wisdom story perhaps). It was "LKS" or Student Leadership Training during my 10th grade year, organized by the student body. The so-called training was a prime example how the teachings of "life is cruel, so you have to be cruel to survive it" being inherently practiced. Simply put, I was "tortured", just like what happened to our heroes in the war they said. It was a long night, and this event should have its own dedicated blog post.

On the next day of school, some people said I was not a leader, because they judged I had no concern for unity, togetherness, compassion, blablabla, only considering I did not shed any tears in the previously mentioned "training". I beg to differ, a leader needs to be strong. We don't have to experience another atrocity of war to remember our fallen comrades, do we?

“A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way” -John C. Maxwell.

Alas, they were being "that snobbish" at that moment, and from what I heard, that kind of "training" is still being carried on until today. It's like a tradition, a cancer. I want those kind of people to have a clue. Stop judging others to "open their mind". I suppose in my "training" case, the world already knows who the real clowns were. That night, I should have had running in a hamster wheel to produce some electricity so at least I had contributed something to this world.

People judging you before you actually talk to them. People hating you because you're different. People acting like they are better than you and you should be just like them.

So then...

I always refuse to back down, I cannot be silenced. I stand up for what is right even if I have to stand alone. Some might say everyone needs to lose to stand a chance of winning, but I don't buy it. I won't walk off with my tail between my legs. I am always thrilled to push the envelope, or even rip the envelope apart once in a while. I'm not impeccable, so let me become the first one to say that I'm flawed. I don't wish to be everything to everyone, but I would like to be something to someone.

They say I can't cope with reality, hence I just need to face it. I should just follow the rules and not complaining much about it. Hmmm, wait a minute. Facing the damn reality? It's more like surrendering to a false conformity. It's simply a lame excuse, implying that life is full of clusterf**k, thus you should also be a d**khead to survive it, rather than believing that life could have been wonderful, had you given more faith in humanity.

I don't like swearing, just couldn't find better words to elaborate the issue.

"I am an honest man cast away on an island surrounded by a sea of dishonest parasites, hypocrites and hollow shells of human beings who can't think for themselves. I always speak what I mean and I always accomplish what I set out to do. I speak the truth and the truth is that you people are more than happy to give in to the status quo, and remain in your repetitive, boring daily routines because you don't have the willpower to resist. You refuse to stand out from the crowd or buck the trend for fear of failure." -Chris Jericho

Living in a developing country, every now and then, people are unduly proud for an "insignificant" achievement, and then being overly jingoistic, spewing their pride on a false sense of accomplishment. They enjoy lowering their standards, even if something is awfully bad, we MUST appreciate it since it's a product of my own nation. Beware, confronting them could get you lynched in some neighborhoods.

Guess what, whining about everything isn't helping either, but I don't see that many people from my town actually trying to make a difference. For example, it makes me sick to see my former classmates sit on their asses and thinking that they are just damn fine with some ridiculous treatment from the school. I know there are many other kids who complain about everything at school, but how could you keep your sanity if a teacher is abusing you in a class?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." -US Declaration of Independence

How can I pursue happiness, when my smallest personal rights are not even guaranteed?

"Do not fault the successful participant in a flawed system; try instead to discern and rebuke that aspect of its organization which allows or encourages the behavior that has provoked your displeasure." -Don't Hate The Playa/Playette Hate The Game on Urban Dictionary

So I got to do something on my own, something BIG. I was all thinking "Either I'm staying and get "shaped" by a poor system, or leaving in search of a new hope." In my humble opinion, I'd rather escape rather than being a "product" of a bad system. I was virtually not able to change the current system in an instant, with numbers of people talking behind my back. Soon, I discovered a desire within me that nothing in my place could satisfy, I should begin to wonder if perhaps I was created for another place.

I didn't enter some random sweepstakes to win Wonka Golden Ticket, I started my long journey by entering a go-big-or-go-home type of competition from AFS instead, where the cream of the crop would get an opportunity to live and study in the US for approximately one year. I was not 100% sure, but hell, I've gotta try before I failed.

Bunch of people didn't believe in me. They said I must be dreaming. Friends, teachers, and then... my own family, looked down their noses at me. I've got to say, I had to face insurmountable difficulties, and I felt I didn't get the support I needed when it mattered the most.

There was a time... A teacher explicitly spoke to me in the middle of a class...

"Stop daydreaming of going to America. It's better for you to think about yourself in here, which is far more realistic."

Dang, talk about hitting the nail on the head.

Subsequently, several other students discussed the "incident" like a trending topic on Twitter nowadays. Well, eventually I enjoyed the time when they laughed on my impossible, nonsense, non-realistic aspiration. That's when I got a chance to dream much much bigger.

Indeed, I AM A BIG DREAMER.

I was all against all odds, it's like believing that Voyager Golden Records to be found by extraterrestrial life after billions and billions light years of journey.

Maybe I am different. Maybe I am one of a kind.

When I say I am unique it does not mean that I am trying to be smart and a show-off, OK? Too many people are being obnoxious when it comes to talk about intelligence.

It took quite a long time for several people from the school to eventually "admit" that I was slightly gifted, especially since they measured my IQ was somewhere in the "superior" level and I should be able to keep studying (at least) until I get my first doctoral degree, based from a "scholastic aptitude test" I took in 2007 (not the kinda SAT you have in the US, though), and I'm not even kidding right now. I will show you the scan of my test result if you are THAT interested (my parents surprisingly never said anything about it, probably you will find out why later). That's the only test which I wholeheartedly did back then in my Indonesian high school. Usually, my "rebelious" nature against the false conformity kept me away from a decent report card from the school.

"When you dare to be different, expect to be assailed. You may be labeled a misfit. But why worry about what others think, when as soon as you leave their company, they'll stop thinking about you anyway? Besides, it is as Mignon Mclaughlin (b. 1915) said, 'Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.' We owe all progress, discoveries, and breakthroughs to those few men and women who had the courage to be different. Their differences made all the difference to the world. Our responsibility is no less than to follow their example." -Chuck Gallozzi

Every day, I constantly fought the "unjust" system (I shared some of my survival stories at my old blog, but they are mostly written in Indonesian language). Here I have heard some nasty stereotypes about America, but on the other hand, they would have been so proud had they got anything to do with America, having a spouse with US citizenship for example.

"It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not." -Andre Gide

Maybe you wonder why I'm so eager to live in the US.

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself." -Benjamin Franklin

Trust me, I've got a lotta reasons to come up, but the brave lightning-defying man pretty much sums up everything. You may say that your country is declining, but I have seen the worse, although I definitely haven't seen the worst.

Well, I gotta say I was inspired by Borat as well................ not so much.

As a crippled geek living in a technology-deprived environment, I'm sick of f*wits, as defined by urbandictionary.com, "1. f*wit: A person who is not only lacking in clue but is apparently unable or unwilling to acquire clue even when handed it on a plate in generous portions."

I literally went "going the distance", I struggled to reach the final round, until finally....

I was selected to become the next Borat................................ kinda.

Be careful of what you wish for, eh?

Then all I could see was... the sudden change in the faces of some of those naysayers. The person who said I was daydreaming ultimately asked curiously...

"When are you going to America?"

I felt so used as ever.

Before I left for Ohio, the time for my 11th grade final exams came, and the battle was not over yet. My fellow countrymen should admit, it has become an "open secret" that some exams in some schools would not be done in a fair way.

“I’m prepared to lose my life for the sake of upholding the honesty with which I’ve been inculcating my two children. It would be a shame for me as their mother to give only advice without actual deeds.” -Siami

I strongly suggest you to read these news stories:
Siami: The price of honesty
The ugly faces of our educational practices
Cheating is failure of the education system

Have you understood the situation a little bit better now?

Well, in my case, there were some students cheating during the exam in the classroom, hiding a book (literally means "student worksheet" from Indonesian words of "lembar kerja siswa") under the desk. I was fed up, so I broke the silence in the room and said,

"Put your book away."

Then I heard somebody responded,

"Huh, like you've never cheated before."

Everyone gets mad and loses it once in a while, I shouted.

"WERE YOU GUYS WAITING FOR AN ANGEL TO ACTUALLY TEACH YOU SOMETHING GOOD?!!"

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, but not for me.

Finally, I had had enough. I didn't take the final two days of exam. I never did the makeup test, and I decided to "abandon" the school altogether. I should have failed on some subjects, but then I passed them. Probably they didn't want to get embarassed because "How come the kid who was about going to the US as an exchange student didn't even pass the exam?"

Yes, I know it would "damage" my overall GPA as I transfered it to the US system, but I believe honesty shouldn't mean disgrace. I would go after my dream, and was prepared gaining the possibility of losing the very "foundation" of my life.

One thing that wasn't really able to soften the blow at all, my parents didn't really know what I was doing at school. Well, they said I should have followed the "rules", and the "reality". Sad.

My interpretation of The Thinker, "Do I belong anywhere in my own country?", 2009.

Too bad, I was not able to have that kind of epic farewell in my hometown

Well, I bursted into major tears before I attended my pre-departure orientation in Jakarta. I remember I had one session where they asked me what my number one expectation was. Of course, I wanted to have a wonderful host family, enjoyable school, prank-loving buddies, etc., so I wrote down:

1. Indy 500

This was me in April 2007, playing "INDY 500" on SEGA Model 2 arcade at the mall near my home. IIRC, I've been spending a heck amount of time there since as early as 2000.

10 years later, I beat the odds to make the journey halfway around the world, and lived my dream, 2010 Indianapolis 500.

Maybe I was not able to become an astronaut, but I was over the moon when I boarded the plane, heading to USA. I knew I could do something that I couldn't do before, in a good way, and yes, I had a fantastic year as an exchange student, despite of some unfortunate moments I should say.

For the time being, I'll let you watch this video to show me how crazy I could possibly be.

Too bad, my mind is now constantly filled with guilt, thinking I wish I could have done my year better. Every second I had there, should have been considered as every last second of my life.

I miss all of you guys overseas. I always have the same dream every night about being back there again, but when I wake up, I feel so painful. Things have not been working well here. I can't stand to face this cruel, injustice place where honesty means disgrace.

I have fallen on hard times (again), even it's not like Ted Williams' case. I'm not homeless, but my home is broken.

Another "reality" that I should face again here back in my hometown, if you are a "smart" kid, then you should be a medical doctor, a physician. Well, I want to do what I love the most, for a living. I'm everything my parents don't want me to be, and I have little to no interest in what they want me to be.

"Leaders who are unduly proud, puffed-up, imperious, and dogmatic never enjoy the just rewards experienced by productive listening leaders. Basic observation elucidates the fact that arrogance claims much for itself and concedes little to others." -Gerald Baraza

I think my parents would fit the description of leaders referenced above. Respect is something that we have to earn but they yell, demand it and give none in return. If something bad happens, they will say it's because I don't follow their advice, and vice versa. It's similar to the old Aztec idea that irreverence to parents will be followed by an unhappy end. I fail to understand that precept, while I know we are not supposed to be disrespectful to others.

I had a time to chat with my parents the other day, talking about what I learned from the US, and told them how cool and nice the Americans were, including my host family of course.

Well, I've told you guys that I'm a pacifist, but I love the "violence" of WWE wrestling. At the end of June 2010 (my last days as an exchange student), I had a chance to watch WWE RAW live from the arena with my "host uncle" and his son, another thing that I could only dream of back in the day. There I wanted to buy a WWE Championship belt replica for $25, but I needed $5 more. I asked my "host uncle" to lend me some bucks, but, well, I don't know if he was kidding or not, he said he didn't have any.

On the next day, I came to visit my host cousins' house, and I got a surprise. Honestly, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I found the belt I was looking for in front of me. Some lovely "trick" that I never found in my hometown.

Then, right when I was still preparing my baggage before I left Ohio, I got another surprise. I would repack my stuff all over again, because I got a breaking news that I should take my cousin's Logitech DFGT wheel back to Indonesia. I really really wanted to cry, but still I couldn't. Not because of anything, but because of thoughtfulness, a form of love they showed me all along, like I've never quite found anything like it 17 years before.

When I was done telling my parents my fairy tale in the US, my dad smiled serenely and said,

===========================

"Nothing is free in this world, be aware."

===========================

Hypocrisy, much?

I shed tears. Yep, I cried only because of "simple words".

Is the life in 21st century so atrocious that forced my parents to change their mind and philosophy?

I am really devastated. Those particular words coming out from a person I loved have made me lose faith in humanity. I hope I'm wrong. I hope it's just the way it happens HERE.

That said, my parents think I could have been brainwashed.

They say TSA is paranoid, well, I think my parents are also xenophobic. Their indictment is way out of proportion. Yes, they have become ardent practitioners of "cognitive dissonance". Being avid fans of political correctness have also caused further distortion in their vision. Talking to them will often end up as endless "argumentum ad hominem" showdown.

Now my parents often give strong opinions, not facts, and get the wrong ideas. Full of prejudice, negativity, and pessimism. They are likely to "enervate" rather than "energize". Every single word they say is stultifying. Everything is bad and no light in the end of the tunnel. They can't live positively, not because they are big fans of Pepsi. My parents have become the biggest naysayers I have ever met. Sometimes people don't turn out to be who you expect.

One thing that I found unbelievably ridiculous, my parents put a story about me on local newspaper without my consent while I was in Ohio. I read it, it was a complete junk. It's no more like they were over-jubilant to have a kid who was able to snatch a scholarship, eliminating 4,000 other candidates out of 240,000,000 population. They boast too much anyhow.

Maybe my parents are not hypocritical. Maybe I should just realize that I'm merely an ornament for them. They are more concerned to buy me a new sandal every year to prove they can afford it, rather than asking what I have learned from Stateside. They are more enthusiastic to hook me up with a wealthy girl, rather than supporting me to pursue my future endeavors.

I said I was inspired by Borat. Yes, I wanted to make a real documentary about my life in America, hopefully to inspire more people. I spent a lot of time with video cameras. I recorded hundred hours of footage, I saved them into my 1 TB external hard drive. The bad news: My hard drive broke, I've lost all the precarious moments. More bad news: My parents could only say, "Get a new hard drive."

Very nice................................................ not.

When your family don't even believe in you, it's one thing that could hurt you the most. I tried to talk nicely to my parents, to no avail. The only talking has been arguments. They always say,

"No. You're gonna fail. You're not gonna able to do that. You're not good enough. You don't know what it's like. It's impossible."

My parents have also asked many other kids (not only me) about their future aspiration with some cutesy motivation, but then when they talk to many other grown-ups, my parents will say it's impossible to achieve their childhood dreams. My parents would say "life is peaceful", but then then they act like warmongers. That sad.

Not for long until these kids have to face the "reality". Maybe Barney is really a pedo in disguise.

Heinous.

"I guess things are not how they used to be, there's no more normal families, parents act like enemies, making kids feel like it's World War III. No one cares, no one's there I guess we're all just too damn busy, and money's our first priority. It doesn't make sense to me."

Remember our awesome Mr. Anti-videogames I mentioned earlier? Well, he was teaching "Arts and stuff", so I had to sing a song in one of his tests. I decided to pick this song from Simple Plan, and stood in front of the class. Afterwards, he asked me did I know the meaning of song's title (probably I was the only one who sang a foreign song in his class). I said "Gila" which means "crazy". He replied, "Berarti di dinya gelo" or "So you are crazy."

*************************************************************

I believe in the ugly truth rather than the beautiful lie. Now some of you probably want to pronounce the verdict already, declaring me as a cursed son, but why the hell would I care? I'm not keen on living a bogus life anyway.

"Look another year went by, they keep passing by, but damn I didn't even die, too old and slow I've grown, I fought time but lost." -Matroshka (The Ornament) - dredg

I want to give life another chance, but I can't stand this place anymore. Time after time, I do think the only reason I’m still alive is because I do not want my family to see my vile dead body, otherwise I could just give up. If I die right now, my fairy tale will end tragically. Probably I should have been dead on 2010 Memorial Day weekend.

I'm alive, but on life support. I'm just trying to get through the day without falling apart. Following my passion like racing online with my rFactor and GTR2 friends are my coping resources to reduce the pain. Sure, writing on this blog helps too.

I don't want my previous struggles, and stuff I learned abroad will finally become useless.

I'm suffering. I have become a shadow of my former self.

I'm still young, and aspiring, yet I guess I'm pathetic. I will always be a "might have been", I will never reach my full potential.

Who am I to judge, eventhough I have been living together with my parents for almost 20 years. There's nothing like having disheartening parents, and I guess my parents will never understand what my host dad said to me,

"You don't have to pay for everything I gave to you, spread kindness others" -My host dad.

OK, folks. This blog post should clear things up a bit. Hopefully, people will look at my life as a learning experience for all involved, especially myself. Hindsight is 20/20.

Now, I'm despondently running on empty. I'm tired, I'm filled with anguish.

I still believe that I could still do something for this world, but sometimes we all need a helping hand.

How can I change the world, because I can't change my parents' mind? I don't want to just "abandon" my parents, and pursuing my goal alone without the support from my own family. Last resort? Maybe.

It's not all about what I need. I also want to contribute, to serve. I've seen enough stories like make.believe series from SONY, including this exclusive story published in INDYCAR NATION.

Do I still have something left to live for?

When I was young, people told me that the world was so WONDERFUL and I should dream BIG. As I grew older, they showed me the CRUELTY of life which IS full of DECEPTION. They have killed every single dream I had, except ONE. Just ONE.

I want to continue my study and pursue a career in the US, then I'll see what I can do to my homeland.

Whatever happens then, I'd be more than happy to hear your comments. Let me know what what you think about my hardship. Maybe you can help me find the solace I need.

One last thoughts I have, maybe I was all wrong, I just need to finally face the reality.

It's all just a DREAM, and I have to be asleep to believe it.

Well, I'd rather sleep forever then, for real.

My Apology

2011-09-04T13:27:00.011+07:00

Admission of guilt

Writing this apology does not make me feel guilt-free because I know the damage has been done. I admit the offense. Please acknowledge what I have been through. I am in no way proud of my wrongdoing. I feel guilty, and I deserve your punishment to some degree.

I am sorry.

To all Americans I have met, I would like everyone to understand that the cultural differences from all around the world are vast. Please forgive me for the language miscommunication and faux pas I might have conducted in the past. There were times when I struggled to show how grateful I was. Consider me as Borat, with good intent.

I beg your pardon.

*************

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Mahatma Gandhi

*************

About Me

2011-09-04T13:26:00.004+07:00

Dreamer - Daydreamer

Please consider reading THE UGLY TRUTH to learn more about myself.

CONTACT:

Email:
takemebacktoindy[at]gmail[dot]com (replace "[at]" with "@" and "[dot]" with ".")
Facebook:
Take Me Back to Indy
Twitter:
@goldenboy91 (I barely use it)
SKYPE:
goldenboyf1

Geek - Gamer - Race Fan