Have you ever wanted to do something that might raise an eyebrow or two but found yourself saying, “What will everybody think?” Concerning yourself with the way it would look to everybody,”They will think I am  irresponsible, insensitive, unstable” so you stay put.

Let me ask you, who is your “everybody” anyway?  Most people I know have a generalized “everybody”.  Foggy.  It keeps us scared to forge ahead  with our true desires.  I have never understood why anyone would call it your comfort zone.  What is comfortable about being stuck?

Let’s get something straight. No one and I mean no one gets to go through life without fears.  We are all from time to time concerned about others’ perceptions but if “everybody” is taking up more space in your head than creating the life you want it might be time to shine a light on who is really holding up your train.

Last Sunday, Dr. Lance Dodes joined me on “Talk With Francesca” on WWZN REVOLUTION BOSTON and we discussed what is at the heart of all addictions. To hear the full interview visit listen here

Here’s an example.  You are recently divorced.  You moved into a neighborhood with all married couples.  It has turned out to be the wrong choice.  Maybe you jumped too quickly.  Who knows but who cares?  It’s the wrong place for you to live.  Being newly divorced is hard enough.  You have found yourself wondering if “everybody” thinks it was your fault?  Now you want to move.  You find yourself thinking, “Will “everybody” think I’m unstable?  Rather than move, you decide you better stay because “everybody” will be talking.  Forget it!

Do you want more control over your life? Below are five steps to being on your way.

Step One

I challenge you to actually clarify who your “everybody” is.  What do they actually say to you? There is usually a sharp contrast between what most of us think that “everybody” will think and what “everybody” thinks.   Find evidence of what “everybody” is really thinking.  Spell out who this “everybody” is and what does “everybody” specifically say?

Step Two

Find out specifically when “everybody” drops in?  I bet if you were to shine the spotlight on “everybody” there are specific times when you feel more vulnerable to “everybody’s attacks”.

Step Three

Talk back to your “everybody”.  Question “everybody’s” intention.  Ask why, if you were to start your own business, “everybody” would laugh or think you are stupid.

Step Four

Surround yourself with people who are encouraging and supportive and dump the dirtbags that criticize you and bring negativity into your life. Cut them out, immediately.  Make your “everybody” your best friends…your fans…people who believe in you!

Step Five

Remember those times in your life when you made difficult choices that turned out to be the best move you ever made?  Right.  Tell everybody about that!

Tell me what you think.  I am stuck with this one.  Today I interviewed Noel Biderman of Established Men on “Talk With Francesca”.  Noel owns an online dating service where the women openly say they are looking for super rich men to pay their bills in exchange for…well, companionship.  Hmmmmmm

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and I think the majority of us will try to find a way to let our significant other know how much we care….maybe we will cook a special dinner, maybe flowers, maybe candy. Not if you are a member of Established Men.  You might just find yourself shopping along Rodeo Drive on a $10,000 shopping spree and your apartment paid for!  If this isn’t thinly veiled prostitution, what is!!! When sex and money are involved, it is a rather blurry line.  Seems to me that it is organized gold digging. Listen to the interview and you tell me.  I have also posted the question on my facebook page, Talk With Francesca.

Donna Palomba, founder of “Jane Doe No More” told us on “Talk With Francesca” her riveting story.  She was sexually assaulted in her home while her children were sleeping and then the police made her out to be the villain based on gossip. Instead of putting her head in the sand, Donna not only saved herself, but also began an unstoppable mission, “Jane Doe No More”, where she is changing, one day at a time, the way sexual assault victims are treated and responded to. She is a woman who cares about people, this important cause and making lasting change.

A resilient woman, Donna went from victim to warrior to survivor and then created R.A.P.E which stands for Raising Awareness Through Personal Experience. The goal of the outreach team is to empower those that have yet to come forward while educating and inspiring others with their stories so that victims of sexual assault can heal. The mission is a brave and powerful one.  Together the hope is to end the silence, the shame, and conquer the fears.

So I’ll ask you again, do you hear a mission calling your name?

To hear the full interview:

Isy Mekler joined “Talk With “Francesca” on Sunday to discuss his extraordinary Bar Mitzvah Project.  Isy  is no ordinary boy.  Listen to how one boy is changing the world, one book at a time….

So What Is Thriving?

Are you able to identify what sets you on fire? What energizes you? What makes your eyes light up? I recently interviewed Coach Meg Moore, Co-director of the Institute of Coaching at Mclean Hospital and Meg explains that we see this in small children; it is inherit in them.  Then we become adults and focus on things other people want, what the world wants and it’s not uncommon to lose contact with what makes us thrive.

The Opposite of Thriving-Lying to Others and Ourselves

1.Do you want me to be honest with you?

You are having dinner with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile and she looks exhausted.  You tell her she looks great.  We don’t want to hurt her feelings so we have a completely unauthentic connection and leave feeling like something was missing.  HONESTY.  Why didn’t you tell her she was looking a bit tired; has something changed in her life that is putting a strain on her?  You would have both felt much more connected.

2.Withholding Information

Your friendship is changing.  You see it.  You feel it.  Your best friend since second grade is turning into an idiot. Or maybe your priorities have changed.  So slowly but surely you begin to go your separate ways.  Why not be honest and have a real conversation about how you’ve both changed. Pretending vs. truth telling.

3.Making Excuses and Whining

I don’t have time.  No one will like me.  I am sick of this. LIFE SUCKS.  You’re afraid.  Admit it and realize the there probably isn’t a tiger in the back of the room.  It’s your fear. FACE the boogieman.

4.Refusing To Take Care of Yourself

When we don’t take time to care for ourselves whether it be it going to the gym, eating right, being with people we love, having fun, and or spending quality time with ourselves, our well-being is compromised. It’s harder to be in touch with ourselves when we are not taking care.

 5.Procrastinating.  Need I say more? If not now, when?

So Now What?

There is a direct connection between being honest with others and ourselves and thriving. Ask yourself some of these questions.

• Do you really know yourself?
•  Do you know who is best for you to associate with?
• Do you know which groups to be part of?
• Do you know which books to read?
• Do you know which occupation is really best suited for you?

When you are honestly realizing your life to the fullest you are thriving and being honest with yourself.   Finding out what makes us thrive is worth the effort.  It may seem unreachable but once we begin the process, it’s like a domino affect.  Doors start opening, we have more energy, our connections are better and we are healthier. It’s a process.  One step at a time.  But if you don’t start now, then when?  So shift your focus.  Happiness is merely a fleeting thought.  Now thriving, that is something to arrive at.

Everyone has a story, some have more painful ones than others. Some are locked away, never to be told, securely and neatly wrapped up.

Today I interviewed Judith Black, Stories Alive of Marblehead. Expecting to be entertained(which I was) but I was also  touched by her love  and passion for storytelling.  She explains it is her obligation to speak things that have truth because it is her life’s work.  Quite coincidentally I find it ironic that this is the week to honor Martin Luther King Jr. who says, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter.” That is exactly what I was thinking as I listened to Judith tell us a story on “Talk With Francesca” on WWZN Boston.  Our bodies tell us when a story needs to be told.  Stories are a way to ease pain, help to bond relationships, it’s a photo of the past, a way to journey home to personal moments in our lives.  Most important…it’s about being fully human.

Go ahead, tell your story.  Indulge yourself. You might just feel lighter, your voice might become stronger and who knows, you might even be coming home to you.

To find out how uplifting storytelling can be visit www.storiesalive.com

When my mother-in-law would say, “It’s just a dog!” I would nod and think to myself, “she’s right but what can I do about my love for my dog?”  So I went along my merry way and knew that anyone who knows me knows my dog is like my child.  It doesn’t matter what they say behind my back.  I couldn’t eat when my little guy had surgery on his back. My husband practically had to spoon feed me yogurt until my dog returned home. (I have often said it was the best diet I ever went on).

I am concerned when I leave my home to make sure the alarm is always on, not because the house could be robbed, but that someone could take my beloved bichon. Our neighbor’s dog was taken from his convertible when he went food shopping.  (Personally, I can’t imagine leaving my roof open when I’m not in the car with my boy.)

My husband isn’t much different, however, he is not as open to admitting such. When we go on vacation, we drive three hours to my in-laws to drop off our dog.  We don’t mind.  We know he is happy there and he also gets to play with his favorite cousin, Cosmo (a Yorkie).

If you are asking yourself, “Is she all there?”  I know it’s a bit quirky.  My justification…. if it doesn’t hurt anyone, who cares?  But I did have to live with myself thinking that I was a little idiosyncratic about my pet. To really freak out my friends, he has some arithritis in his hip and has hydrotherapy weekly now. Hey, in addition to helping build strength, he is very entertaining. Besides, it’s what his vet recommends.  Why is that so funny? WELL NO MORE!!!!

As it turns out, according to Marc Bekoff, professor emeritus of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology at the University of Colorado, Boulder, who will join me Sunday on “Talk With Francesca” at 3:3opm, says that animals have rich emotional lives. Professor Bekoff has published numerous books on animal behavior and animal emotions. He is a regular contributor to Psychology Today and The Huffington Post.

Here’s what he has to say about thinking of our pets as humans. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/animal-emotions/201111/minding-animals-persons-beatrice-my-mother-and-jethro-my-dog

So go ahead, indulge yourself. Sit back, relax and love your dog!  It’s just a person with a fur coat on.

Just take this challenge. Here we go…..
I challenge you to just sit quietly for 10 minutes every day. That’s it. If you are convinced that you don’t have 10 minutes to spare, that is the perfect place to start. Reflect on why you won’t make time for yourself.

What do I mean when I challenge you to reflect? It’s looking at all of your life; the good and the bad. The happier moments and the sad ones. And of course, everything in between. You start exactly where you are. There is no right or wrong. We all have our own unique way of dealing with what we have experienced, seen, heard or felt. This isn’t about judging yourself but rather about just observing with total acceptance. Almost as if you are an outsider looking in as a witness. It’s what is also known as mindfulness.

We are a checklist society. We love it when we are crossing things off. Seems we are always going somewhere. But really, have you arrived in your life? Now take a pause and be kind to yourself.

No matter what is going on in your life, there is only one way to deal with it. With compassion and empathy. Practicing acceptance will make your life so much easier and help you to see whatever you are looking at with more clarity. Please note, that doesn’t mean that you are settling for what doesn’t feel right. It means accepting and acknowledging exactly where you are without criticism.
I recently interviewed Tara Brach, author of “Radical Acceptance” on my radio show “TALK WITH FRANCESCA” on WWZN Revolution Boston. Tara says that: “Accomplishing for the sake of accomplishing is often driven by feeling not good enough. Being on a treadmill where fear drives our busyness goes against a life based on loving and being loved, being present in the moment and not having to prove yourself.”
So take the challenge; 10 minutes daily and just to cut you some slack, do it during breakfast tomorrow. Have two eggs, sunny sideup with a side order of kindness. See you ate breakfast and reflected at the same time. Who says multitasking is all bad?
To hear how to be more present in your own life, listen to Tara here.

What’s your story?  The story you tell about yourself is the story you live. If we are looking to change but aren’t taking action, then we can stay in our comfort zone. If you begin to unravel the truth, we will most likely encounter pain.  Accepting that pain is a part of change and being present with it will actually reduce the suffering according to Tara Brach who will be joining me on “TALK WITH FRANCESCA” on WWZN Revolution Boston later this month to discuss her book “Radical Acceptance”.  It seems pain is your friend when you are looking to recreate yourself.  Here’s why.

When we get out of our comfort zone there is anything from slight annoyance to full-blown drama.  For example, you have a nasty temper and when someone pushes your buttons, the first thing that you want to do is blast off.  Why, because it relieves  the pain.  Releasing pain is addictive.  But when the pain comes is the time to stop and say, “Here is my signal to change”. When you set an intention (I want to be kinder, more patient for example) you can bet that immediately there will be a test where you have to be kind to the most miserable person out there.  So when the “warning signal” or test comes, be thankful and stop rather than forge ahead with the same old patterns. If you exit off the path, make the correction without beating yourself up.  This is important.  Do not get into a big drama with yourself that you are terrible, you will never do it, etc.

So let’s go.  Set an intention that you need to reprogram living from the same old story. Ask yourself, by digging a little deeper, what stories are you convincing yourself of? GET CLEAR.  Do whatever it takes to find out.  Meditate, do yoga, take long walks. Practice quiet time. Be honest with what you really want and what you are really telling yourself. Do you want to change jobs and have the career you have always dreamed of, or repeat your same old story that there is no way out of your dead end job?  Maybe you aren’t ready to leave that job or leave that relationship; that’s ok.  But again, get clear. Where you are is where you start.  Accept that and don’t make excuses.

If you are ready and really have set an intention to change, be prepared. When you are shifting a pattern, it will NOT feel good.  There will most definitely be discomfort.  There will be an emotional trigger; accept it. Remember to be thankful for the test. It’s all part of the process of change.

Next, find someone who will help you to be accountable.  It will help raise your awareness.  Most important, you will NOT be perfect.  Tell that critical voice that you made a mistake and get back on track.  Now get going and good luck! To listen to the interview: