Decipher My Heart

Why nostalgia might be the devil.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 15:04:00 +0000

Remember the story about the girl who fell into the well? Yes, I'm talking about that same bloody well again.

So the girl heard distant calling of her name from the boy. She can't make out what he was saying because it was a deep well but still, the boy had come back. She waited for him to tell her that everything was alright and he would save her, but try as she may she couldn't hear what he was saying and the longer she stood at the bottom of the well in desperate attempts to catch his words, the more distant his voice got. It was until the point where she wasn't sure if it was really the boy calling her or just her imagination.

All she knew was that she no longer wanted to be stuck in that forsaken well. If he wasn't going to help me get out, she was going to have to climb out of it herself and find that boy.

I wonder if it's possible for a love affair to last forever.

No promises.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:42:00 +0000

We are unusual and tragic and alive.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 07:04:00 +0000

I've given a lot of thought to it, and while I'll end up missing you I know that I'll be fine. I will still smile and see the daylight without any forlorn obscurities. I will still think of you but I will not carry with me a heavy heart.

While I know there is no certain act I must take to validate what we really are, I think the decision I've decided to take has more percentage of preventing me from falling into that damn well I've mention previously.

But I will learn how to built doors for my high walls so that one day when you decide you're ready, I will eventually let you in.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong

is the only choice you have"

Let loose the doves.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:19:00 +0000

Two girls and a guy went rounding Putrajaya at midnight just to see a stupid bridge. They told jokes, laughed and shared stories till 2.00 like the world was theirs, and they could and would do whatever the fuck they wanted whenever they wanted. The sky's the limit.

Being carefree and reckless at times really does set one's heart free from all the petty worries and problems one harbors in oneself. I believe sometimes we just need to forget and let live.

Vita Dolce.

Darkness only exists so the stars can shine.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 06:13:00 +0000

"For a long time, it seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life." -Alfred D.Souza.

The verse.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 17:53:00 +0000

I can't write songs about us,

Because there is no melody which tells our story.

I can't dream of the future us,

Because you and I will never move forward.

And I'm afraid to sleep at night,

Because your face will appear in my mind.

It's terrifying, yet it's mesmerizing.

I'm scared I'll only feel emptiness when I'm not with you.

There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, before this and after this.

Must remember to breathe.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 17:31:00 +0000

"Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.

But not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering" - Paolo Coehlo

Sooner or later, some parts of us will go away... It is not easy to learn how to live with those missing parts.

Its summer, and memories are just waiting to happen. Boy meets girl, boy wants girl. They get caught up in an entanglement of this game called catch. Then the girl is stupid enough to fall into a well of uncertainty, with no means of knowing if she will ever climb back up to see the boy's face staring back at her. What if he's not there anymore?

Seriously, won't you just hold my hand and pull me out of that fucking well?

Everything leaves a mark.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 13:49:00 +0000

Spent the day with my favourites, close friends and coffee.

I can't sleep peacefully through the night anymore. Its been days since I got any proper rest. I go to bed with so many thoughts swirling in my mind, and I wake up still thinking of them with no absolute solution. This has been a reoccurring incident, it has now become a regular.

I try to shut my mind out but it is screaming at me from the inside.

I try to preoccupy myself everyday to the point where I don't even know what I'm doing, as long as I keep busy I'll be alright. My mind won't have much free time to think if I'm always busy, that's what I always tell myself.

Coffee is one of the escapes I turn to. The bitter taste of the grounds soothes me, along with slews of smoke, I can relax a little.

My bed is no more as comfy as before, because when I close my eyes I am haunted by the same images like a bad movie put on replay. And then there's this voice, my voice, telling myself that the garden of flowers I dream of every day is not going to happen.

Still, I fight against myself and refuse to believe that there isn't more to this.

There has to be something more.

No one said this would be easy, I just didn't know it was going to be this hard.

"But I haven't forgotten the feel of your skin, your mischievous smile."

I'll sleep tomorrow.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:51:00 +0000

Sometimes it's hard....

Because sometimes I just need to know that I matter to you.

Your light is ultraviolet.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 17:12:00 +0000

Fuck. I miss your voice.

I can't talk to you so I make up for it by talking about you.

When I think of you, my heart sings a little song.

I've been told that the heart and mind are two different things. You can control your mind but, but not you heart. "The heart wants what it wants".

Maybe I shouldn't wait and start building the new wall now. I don't want to get too attached because then the remains of the old wall will come crashing down and it will take an even longer time to build the new one.

I should learn how to build doors too, so I can throw out anything that is still hiding inside of the walls after I've built it.

But there cannot be a roof because I have to look up at the stars and dream, its the only thing i will have left. Then again, you might find away to climb over the walls.

In a parallel universe, its me you can't resist.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 10:29:00 +0000

The little things you do always makes me smile. I hate that I like it.

I hate it that you make it hard for me not to think of you.

I hate that I genuinely care about you.

I hate it that you give me something to look forward to everyday.

Its getting better though. I do not gush anymore. I'm not 15 after all.

I am preparing myself, stocking up on the materials to build my wall back up and arming myself with weapons to guard my heart so that when this is all over, I will be ready.

And I'll come out of it with some sort of smile on my face. Any one will do.

So this is my life and I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

Remember...

1. Whoever comes are the right people.

2. Whatever happens is the only thing that could have.

3. Whenever it starts is the right time.

4. When it's over, it's over.

I have a weakness for you.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 14:32:00 +0000

1. You tell the lamest jokes, yet still manage to make me laugh.
2. Your randomness makes me smile.
3. I forget all the little bothersome things plaguing my mind when I'm around you.
4. Your eyes. I like them.
5. You are honest and straightforward with me.
6. The ego thing you have going on, don't stop that.
7. You look through my stupid, embarrassing photos and tell me its cute.
8. You tell me I'm interesting.
9. You do not take me for-granted.
10. I like talking to you.

Despite everything, I know I'll be okay when the time comes for us to end. I will not hang on.

Maybe its too soon to think it, but when its all over, there will still be the sweet memories for me to keep safe in my gloomy, stone-like heart. This is the closest I can get for now.

And I am satisfied with that. There is not much I can do for you anyway.

I have dreams I want to chase after.

This will just be a wonderful experience and I will be ready for it mentally when the time comes to say goodbye.

I can't remember what its like to not be tired.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:46:00 +0000

I'm going to wash them all away.... very soon.

Lovers and Fuckers.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 01:38:00 +0000

I'm awake.

There's this great black hole in me which just got even bigger.

I knew it was going to come.

No pain, no sadness or regret, no tears. Just emptiness.

I don't feel a thing. Was it just an infatuation all along? Have I been misreading myself all this while?

There will be no falling for me this time round.

But this is indeed bittersweet.

My great attempt to see the beauty in things.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 18:37:00 +0000

It might be too early to say this, but I think that God has cut me some slack after all. He finally gave me a good experience. This time, I'm gonna get to stand on the stool and peer over the fence at the other side. The side where I think the grass is greener.

I guess I have a lot more to learn and that I'm not ready to take that big leap yet. I should just enjoy what I'm getting now. If it all comes to an end, then the memories will serve as a sweet reminder for me, so that I will always have this to keep in my very black, cynical heart.

A day will come when I can finally cross that fence.

"Life is for deep kisses, strange adventures, midnight swims

and rambling conversations."

Random.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:18:00 +0000

Life is designed to kick your ass.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:00:00 +0000

I realized that in order to get what I want, I'm going to have to do something about it.

Sitting around waiting for my dreams and fantasies to come true is a waste of time, I know that now. I'm trying to adjust that out of my life.

I'm a dreamer. A dreamer with a cynical, screwed up mind.

Good things never do come easy. In an alternate universe they might, but I'm living in the one where I have to fend for myself and kick people out of the very thick, invisible wall I've built around me. Whereas, in another universe I'm rainbows and flowers girl and believe in all the love at first sight crap.

Ok, I am influenced by all of Cheryl's talk about Schrodinger's cat.

"Imagination is the best way to say

Fuck You to Reality."

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 06:30:00 +0000

Fuck it.

I don't need this.

My disease.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 14:09:00 +0000

I think too much. I want the stuff I dream about to happen, yet I don't do anything about it.

Then I go and ask myself "Is there something wrong with me?"

I do not trust my feelings. I'm kinda screwed up that way. I always hesitate.

Yet I expect so much.

I hope I'm dreaming, because I'm sick of this.

Someone, please cure me of this disease.

I turn to caffeine.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 08:56:00 +0000

For my part, I know nothing with any certainty so I'll just opt for believing in myself, what I know and force it on myself not to expect anything more but that there can be less.

I'm still trying to save myself here, but if I don't take a plunge I will never find out what is beyond the murky waters.

I want to float wherever the stream may take me. Feel what I want to feel.

But I'll hold on to a life jacket in case I drown, because only I can save myself.

Paint the Night.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 09:53:00 +0000

Sometimes we just need to let loose and show our other crazier side.

Dance like there's no tomorrow, laugh till our faces hurt, dream as if this world is perfect.

I believe that its good for one's soul.

Mindfuck.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 04:30:00 +0000

Your syrupy sweet words, I just can't believe them.

You tell me to stop playing with your mind.

I don't want to play anymore but I don't want to be at the losing end.

This game we are playing, its dangerous.

I Want to Feel the Sun on Both Sides.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 17:32:00 +0000

I'm waiting so anxiously. Each day passes by as if time chose to turn slow motion.

Lord knows how shit I would feel if nothing happens.

Even I'm scaring myself thinking about it.

It's More than you Know.

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 17:22:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Tan Shereen) — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 13:55:00 +0000

"If you love me only in my dreams,

let me be asleep forever."