My friend told me he was at a corporate event where new people (executives and above) were being oriented to the company and the work. He was being called upon to share some information with this group, and he was in an uncomfortable situation. There were more people in the conference room than should have probably been assigned. They had to bring in seats, so it was already uncomfortable. Then, with the enthusiasm of the group, he was being over-talked. His perception was that he was being disregarded and ignored. It was hard for him to get the attention of the group, and hold the group's attention enough to communicate what he was there to do: to share with them. He walked away feeling, first of all, really frustrated, angry, and a little bit bitter. And worse, the people didn't get the information that he had originally been brought in to share.

This is so relatable. If you've ever tried to communicate with someone who is stuck in their own lane, or not paying attention to you, or blatantly disregarding you, you know what this feels like. It can, depending on your interpretation, make you feel really small, really angry, really heated, and it can really take the wind out of your sails. It can make you second guess yourself or have that imposter syndrome peak back up. Today, I want to unpack it a little bit. I want to look at what's happening when this situation comes up. Then, I want to share some executive coaching skills with you. It's four steps that I want you to think through the next time this happens so that you can redeem the opportunity, make the most of it, and work to be heard and understood as a leader so that the other people receive the knowledge, wisdom, and encouragement that you want to share with them.  Are you ready for this? It's going to be super good. 

Why does someone else ignore or disregard or just completely dismiss something that you say? What's happening in their brain when they are having this experience?  Fundamentally, their brain does not care about what you value. They're not trusting you or believing you. Maybe they don't know or like you, and they're definitely not hearing you. Their brain is running this constant filtration system (just like your brain is). It is always filtering for the most vital, the most relevant, and the most impactful tidbits of information in their environment. Always. I'm willing to bet you're probably multitasking, so you've got a wide array of inputs coming through your brain and all of your senses. You are having an experience and weighing whether or not to pay attention to (or give weight to) the words that are coming through this blog post. The same thing happens in real-life conversations. 

Your brain has to value the information that someone else is giving you. When you make that decision, your brain is running this algorithm and equation based on the history they have, the history they have with you, and the most dominant needs they have at that moment. Your brain, when you're ignoring someone, is emphasizing other priorities. This makes sense, but we can kind of objectively understand where your brain is coming from. With the sea of information swirling around our brains all day, it can be tricky to make that call. If we're the ones who're being ignored, our brain is running a similar evaluation to decide how we're interpreting the feedback that we're getting. Okay, so there's feedback upon feedback. It gets really meta, really fast. I have good news and bad news here. You can't control how their brains perceive and evaluate. I know that's a bummer. You may feel like this is a bait-and-switch of a blog post, but hang with me. 

You can't control the ultimate decision that they make about what to listen to, what to heed, and what information is most relevant. So what can you control? You can control your intention to be heard and understood. You can control the messaging that you use, you can control the tone of your voice, and you can control the dance you do while you're trying to persuade them, influence them, or inform them. How do you use all of those different tactics? There's literally a library full of resources that can help you upskill in the arts of persuasion or presentation. What I want you to use is a coaching professional development skill. You have the ability to set your intention around what you want to communicate. Not what is understood, done, or felt by them, but how you feel about the message that you want to communicate, and how you want to communicate it. At the end of the day, the only thing you ever get to control is your own thoughts, feelings, actions, and behaviors. 

The same goes for this example conversation. My friend could not have ever controlled if the other people in the room heeded his advice, or received the training that he was there to give. What he can control is his observations, the meaning that he assigns to those observations, and how he pivots or responds to that feedback. He can also control his intention for the actions that he's taking for his behaviors. What outcome does he ultimately want there? That's the first step I want you to do. When you're feeling over-talked, when you're feeling disregarded, when you're feeling misunderstood, the very first thing that I want you to do is to start with your intention here. What is the data of the message that you want to have understood?

I'm going to give you a silly example. We just went through a recent string of colder weather. It's not our norm. We live in a very hot climate here on the Gulf Coast. So we had temperatures dip into the teens and the twenties, and one of my beautiful children wanted to wear their flip-flops to walk the dog. Now, most of the time (like 99.44% of the time), my kids get to wear whatever they want, however they want. If they underdress or overdress, those are their own natural consequences. It helps them make their own decisions. Honestly, I think I was cold, I didn't want my child to feel cold, and so I felt strongly that my child should not wear flip-flops to walk the dog outside in 22℉ weather. I tried to communicate this with her in different ways, but I felt ignored and disregarded. I was beginning to feel really frustrated because I perceived that she was deliberately ignoring me, didn't care about what I said, or didn't value what I thought or taught her.  

Are you with me? Does that sort of make sense? You can see this happening right now. I caught my brain, and you can do this too. You can listen to your thoughts, you can listen to your body, your emotions are trying to show you things. I heard my frustration. I could see the sentences running through my mind. I could feel myself getting elevated in this state of frustration, and what I did next was I got really clear about what I wanted her to know. I want you to do the same thing. What I wanted her to know was that it was cold, and she would be uncomfortable and would not enjoy the outside time, or the walk with the dog, if she was uncomfortable. That's it. That's the data that I really wanted her to internalize. Now, for my friend who was feeling disregarded and ignored, the data he wanted to transfer to these other people were the facts about the product he was there to talk about, the features he was there to talk about, and the plan for what was coming. As you set that intention, you also get to choose your intentional feeling. How do you want to feel as you're communicating? How do you want to feel in this conversation? For my kid, I wanted to feel pretty neutral, right? I wanted to feel unruffled. I want to feel fine either way. Calm. Collected. My friend wanted to feel empowered and encouraged to entertain and connect to his peer group. How do you want to feel in this conversation that you want to have? 

Once you know the data you want to communicate, you want to know how you feel while communicating that information, too, so pay attention. I want you to pay attention to how you're presenting it, what's not working, and what's going on with them. I'm not asking for a dissertation, what are the competing sources of information that their brain is trying to weigh against your message? Just for the sake of empathy, for the sake of understanding how their brain is making that evaluation so that you can address them more impactfully in the next step.

I'll use the example of my kiddo again: she was really excited to have outside time. The dog was hyped up because he needed outside time, and she was busy hustling to get ready and go out quickly. That makes a lot of sense. Of course, her brain is deprioritizing the mom's voice that she was hearing, which may (or most likely) have sounded like nagging a little bit, or one more thing to do.

Now, I want you to imagine my friend in this conference room, observing his colleagues in tight quarters. They were new people. They were having a fun event. They were distracted. There were people who were members of the company who had greater deals of influence, and higher-ups in the company were also present. So these new people were trying to make a good impression and sort of schmooze. These were all neutral observations, and it made sense why their brains would deprioritize the information my friend wanted to share. Okay, so we have a little bit of empathy. If you're doing this attention-giving step correctly, you will generate a little bit of an understanding. It may even feel like, “Oh yeah, of course. That makes sense.” 

You've set your intention. That was step number one. You've paid attention. That's step number two. Now, step number three, with what you've observed so far, I want you to message to them and for them. Now we're switching to actually taking action. If you're an office fan, do you remember the episode where Michael Scott negotiates a salary for Darryl? Michael went to Wikipedia and pulled down all the negotiation tactics, and one of them is that you speak really softly, so the other person has to lean in more. Anyway, it's a comedy of errors, of course. There are all sorts of different ways that you can frame your message. There is no right or wrong way. If you're interested in this, I would love to nerd out with you and share some resources that have been fascinating to me as I learn about how human brains receive information, but what you need to hear in this step, what you need to take away from this step is compassion for where the other person is and compassion for what they need to know. Then, figure out the message that will most directly translate that information to them in a way that feels good to you. In a way that feels like how your intention was to feel.

So for me to calmly relay to my kid that I want them to be comfortable, to be warm, and to enjoy their time is a much different message than, “Oh my God, put on your socks and shoes!” I'm making a joke out of this, but you can literally feel the emotional and energetic difference between those two approaches, right? Create your message to them and for them. There are all sorts of different ways to do this. If you are really not getting through with someone in a situation that does not feel lighthearted, like the example I'm giving about my kid dog walking and flip-flops in 22 degrees, I want you to think about switching how you're messaging. What other avenues of communication do you have besides what you're trying right now? 

If things are escalating, if you are in a conversation and you're feeling disregarded or unheard, and you feel your own emotional reaction peaking, you have an intention for what you want to recommend, what you want to have heard, and you can observe where they're coming- the data of the circumstance that another person is in. I want you to see what other options you have for how you can communicate, where you can communicate, and what modes you can use. If conference calls in front of 20 other people are not working, maybe a one-on-one call would. Maybe an email that bullets your points could work. Maybe the best possible thing for you to do is to ask questions.

Sometimes question asking can be the best messaging, and I gotta tell you, that's actually the tactic that I took with my kid. Instead of reframing and trying to use the same words in a different tone, or trying to use the same setting, I stopped saying things and started asking:

“Why do you think I'm asking you to put on your socks and shoes?” 

This is a conversation that's a little familiar to her, so she's like, “Because you love me.” 

“Right. I totally love you. Why do you think I would want someone who I love to have on socks and shoes today?” 

She says, “I don't know. You don't want me to be cold.”

“Yeah, I don't want you to be cold. Because if you're cold, what's going to happen?”

She says, “I guess I'll just come in.”

“And do you want to come in?”

“No, I want to be outside.”

“Okay. So, I think that wearing your socks and shoes would help you be more comfortable, less cold, and able to stay outside longer.”

And you know what she said? She's like, “Yeah, but I just want to go right now.” 

Now, for you and me, she still was able to make the decision she wanted to make with the information I had given her. I was able to be heard and have her understand me. I want you to remember that it's not my job to control what she does, or the decision she ultimately makes, because my intention was to be heard and to be understood. I communicated in a way that helped her hear me and helped her understand my perspective, and she did. She still walked the dog in her flip-flops, but I knew I had done what I could do, and I maintained our relationship. I had a moment with her that wasn't frustrating but was honest communication, which I'm willing to guarantee is exactly what you want. Now, the last step to this process, if you really want to drive it home, after you have communicated efficiently and effectively in the emotional capacity where you want to show up, you can offer to help.

That's step number four- you can offer to help with whatever the next steps are. Hello, people pleasers, public service announcement here: I am not telling you to do it for them. I am saying that, as part of your communication, and as part of this relationship opportunity that you have, you can offer to help them figure out the next steps, delegate the next steps, identify resources for the next steps, follow up, and create accountability for those next steps. When you do that, their brain will say, “Oh, they really like care, and at least they want to help, so I know where to go next time I want help.” It also intrinsically incentivizes their brain to follow through on the point that you made. Their brain will recognize that the option and information you put forth had validity and is possible to have accomplished.

So the next time you feel ignored, the next time that you feel like you're being talked over, or that what you say isn't really registering or isn't being appreciated, these four steps can help you reframe. These four life coaching tools can help you dial in and take the conversation deeper, to be truly heard and understood. It is not a silver bullet to getting other people to do what you want, but it is a path forward to make sure that you are accountable for creating the communication and the relationship that you really do value. 

Okay, you're going to set your intention for the data you want to be relayed, the feelings you want to feel, and how you want to show up. You're going to pay attention to what's going on. You're going to observe the facts of their environment and create a little bit of empathy to connect with them. Then you're going to create a message for them, give it to them directly, and maybe in a different way than how it's been tried so far. And the last thing you can do is really offer to help.

This is really valuable. This is golden coaching work in action, in the real world, in your real job today, and in all your relationships. I would love to know how this goes for you. If you have questions, I am here for those too. Until next time, happy day. I'll talk to you soon.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com

I want you to know that you are deeply and completely, 100% worthy of love, joy, happiness, and peace in this moment, right here, right where you are, exactly as you are. There are no qualifications for you. There are no mandates. There are no contingencies. You are exactly who you're meant to be, exactly how you're meant to be, and you are right on time. Now some of that may have been hard to hear, and I want you to know that that's okay. Some of that may have felt pretty obvious, and I want you to know that that's okay, too. But in those moments where it doesn't feel real, when it feels like a stretch, or full of disbelief, it doesn't make it less true. That is the truth, and it is for you. That's the magic of our thinking. Our thoughts can so easily distract us (hello, burnout negativity) and take us away from things that are truth. And just like that, we can help refocus our thoughts on what is true.

It's in that sort of messy middle between not believing and believing, where you've got a foot on each side of the shore, that it takes the most effort. However, it's absolutely worth it, because when you're on the other side of the shore, when you're a hundred percent aware, in belief, and living in that truth, that's when you're most productive(goodbye, burnout!). That's when you perform at your best, feel your best, and have the most fun. It’s important to remember that the other side is valuable too. We're not disregarding that other, ugly side. All that pain is showing you(this is also what we teach in my leadership coaching program) is that those ugly thoughts that you don't want to write down, that you don't want to say out loud, that you don't even want to let yourself think, are gifts too. They're just showing you where you're ready to grow. They're showing you hurts that you're ready to let go of. They're showing you pain points that it's time to solve, or they're showing you stories that it's time to let go of. Paying attention to the pain is how you know exactly what change that is.

If you want help to look at what that change is, here's what I recommend you do. I recommend you get a voice memo, a Google doc, or a pen and paper and you put it out into the world. You get it out of the back corners of your mind and you look at it. It helps you see. It's always helped me. Something about it gives objectivity to those thoughts, it makes it easier to say, “Oh, ouch. That's it. That's the point. That's the piece that really hurts.”

What is it that's really hurting you? What is it that is keeping you between standing in the belief that you are exactly who you're meant to be, exactly as you are, fully equipped, wholly lovable, wholly worthy? The thoughts that stand in between that belief for you, are the thoughts that are showing you where you're ready to grow. It takes courage and it takes effort, but you're 100% capable of that too. Alright. This is a love note, a life coaching pep talk, if you will. I know this work. I do this work. I've guided and taught others how to do this work. Thank you for listening, but more than that, thank you for being exactly who you are.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com

First of all, congratulations on starting something new(even if it's a new week)! I'm not saying that to be silly, I do want you to know that you're choosing to show up today. If this is a new week, a new task, a new project, or a new job, you are actively making a decision to do this new thing. That requires bravery, complex thought work, and requires intention. I just want to pause for a second and let you give yourself credit for doing that, so well done! Amazing! Here's the process: It's a couple steps of introspection, and then we can dive in into some of the specifics. 

The very first thing I want you to do, even if it feels stretchy, or it feels like you didn't have a choice in the circumstance, because sometimes changes happen, and we begin new chapters that we didn't invite in(they really are neutral shifts that happen outside of our control, and that impact our current circumstance) is to pause now, and think about why this is the right beginning for you. You've already made the choice. I know the answers are there in your brain. Let's just pull those answers up to the forefront of your mind, or the forefront of your thoughts. “This was the right thing for me to start because…” Or, if it's just another Monday(or another day in the middle of the week) and you're just starting your day, why is it the right thing for you to do that? 

Okay, you’ve got that answer. Now, I want you to think through how you're going to know that you've done it well. Thinking about the example of me being a new kid in school, I will know that I’ve done that well if I can navigate to my classes, and if I can find people, events, or organizations that are interesting to me. What about if it's just a normal Monday, or middle of the weekday? How are you going to know that you've done this day really well? What's your proof going to be? That you’re going to lay your head on the pillow at night and know that you slayed it? Is it going to be that you got a thing done, or you made progress towards another thing? Is it going to be that you smiled at someone, made eye contact, or had a challenging conversation and stood your ground? You get to decide, but I'd like you to think through it. How are you going to know? Those are the big visioning questions. Now, let's get a bit more specific.

Let's say you're starting a brand new job. You love your reasons. You can see why this is the right decision. Even if it's not your forever job, that's okay. Or, maybe it is your forever job. You know why you're doing this. You know how you're going to recognize that you've done it really well. Now we're going to go into the more project management side of your brain. We're going to get more granular and plan through what this day needs to look like with this event, with this chapter, and what this experience can look like for you. This doesn't have to be an elaborate exercise. Certainly, if you have the luxury of time, you can make it as elaborate as you like, but I want you to write down everything that needs to happen in order for you to feel that success. For you to recognize that success that you just defined, what's it going to take? In project management, this is the beginning of your project plan. This is also something that's called a work breakdown structure. 

We're going to list all the big ticket items, all the things that are essential for that success. Once you've got that list, looking at each of those as discrete deliverables, as something specific, I want you to check-in on a couple of things about the list. The things on your list need to be things that you have control over. In other words, I don't want you making your success reliant on anyone else's behaviors, thoughts, or feelings. If anything is on the list that isn't yours to own or to take action on, you can just move it aside. That comes off the list for now. The only things on that list are things that you can take intentional action to create. For each of those things on that item, we're going to break it down further. I want you to list out every nitty gritty thing that has to happen in order for that task, deliverable, or milestone to be complete. What goes into it? If I'm starting a new job, and I have a vision for a committee I want to lead, what has to happen in order for that committee to get started? I'll have to build up support. I have to introduce the concept. I may have to think through some change management around it. I have to determine who my key decision makers are. I have to make warm introductions, and maybe set a couple of introduction committee calls, feeler calls, or meetings(if you're in real life, not virtual). 

Once you've got that list, then I want you to look at your week. It's a much bigger list than your week, and that's completely okay. We're not here to jam-pack your week. I want you to look at that list again, take a deep breath, and close your eyes. When you open them again, look at that list with fresh eyes, and determine what on that list is essential. What has to happen in order for that success to be part of what you're creating for yourself, for this new chapter, for this day, or for this week? Anything that's optional, and we're going to pull it off the list for now. That can go into what we'll call a backlog: a list that you can always refer back to if you have additional capacity. When you do this exercise the next time, you can also reference the backlog and see if anything has increased in priority, or has become more important to you. For now, we only want to look at the things that are the most essential. 

Let's look at those and see what needs to happen first. This is a really tactical, practical exercise. What you're doing is ordering your operations. What has to happen in order for that success to be realized, and what has to happen first, in order for the other things to fall into place? This is called identifying your dependencies. You can start by moving those dependencies around on the list, putting them in the order of when they need to happen and how long you think they'll take, then review it. We're going to see if the math adds up. We're going to look from the top to the bottom, to see if the sequence makes sense. In other words, can you accomplish these things in this order? Then, I want you to do the same from the bottom up. Let's imagine that that success is real. That's the last step. You recognize that you've done what you wanted to do, in the way you wanted to do it, for reasons that matter. Working from the bottom up helps you see the whole picture slightly differently. You may start to notice that there are some gaps in your process. It’s okay to go back and fill them in. We’ve looked at this whole, beautiful process to create your success, to create an outcome that you want on purpose, for a purpose that you love. 

Now, let’s measure out what you want to do in a reasonable amount of time. What you may see are things that can't be accomplished in a reasonable amount of time, and that's okay too. If that's the situation, where you're looking at this list and you're starting to feel your heart, your throat, and your brain is exploding, that just means that there's a capacity limit. There's a boundary here around some of your resources, your time, your money, or your energy. You're going to ask two additional questions here:

1. Is everything on this list truly essential? If the answer is no, peel it out. If the answer is yes, great. 

2. How can you get help to accomplish these things? Sometimes that looks like delegating. Sometimes it looks like recruiting change agents. Sometimes it looks like reaching out to other resources. All these are options for how to accomplish it. Start to put other people's names by it, or other places where you want to outsource to or from. When you've got the list cleared out, looking at the things that you can own, that will directly create the intentional result that you want, look at your week and start to hold place in your calendar for you to be able to focus on these tasks. That's the simple part. That whole process is the project planning exercise. That whole exercise is(basically) how you plan any project, whether it's a project for a charitable organization, a project at work, or just something that you want to create in your life. 

As you’re reading this, you're probably nodding your head and saying, “Tarah, I know this,” to most of what we covered. The hard part comes in when it's something you have to be personally accountable for. We call this self-integrity. In my life coaching module with my clients, we talk about self-integrity a lot. It's deciding that you're going to honor what you said you were going to do because it matters to you, and because it's moving you towards what you want. Now, this requires that you continually prioritize yourself, your intentions, and your wants. It also requires you to follow through with it.

Sometimes, when this is hard, it's because you're undervaluing what it is that you want. Maybe you're doubting that it's possible. This happens all the time. We second guess ourselves. And I’ve got to tell you, of course you're doubting that it's possible. It hasn't happened yet, so that's not(in and of itself) a bad thing. The cure for that is to take action. It's that moment of making a decision. That moment of discomfort, and your willingness to feel the doubt and take a step anyway, will create the self-integrity that you need to see this whole project through. 

Another reason why things might be hard is that as you go through this planning exercise, if you're feeling resistance, pressure, obligation, maybe even a little hint of resentment, that may be showing you that this is not something that you really want, or that you're taking action for reasons that you don't love. This also is a beautiful sign. This is not a guilt trip. This is you getting really clear indications that it's time for you to consider what you want. What reasons motivate you? Where are your values in the schedule of your life, the schedule of your week, and this season of your life? Are they out of alignment with the actions that you're taking? What we just reviewed is the tool for doing the planning, but it's also a great catalyst for you to do this introspection work. This tool can also be used for you to help see opportunities to step into that integrity, if it is something that you really want. 

Looking at all of these things is thought work. Looking at all of these things are opportunities for leadership coaching to really help you out. If you are in a new chapter of your life, you're looking at maybe starting a new chapter, or you're doing things and you're like, “Tarah, why are you being so mean to me? Why are you telling me that all these things are for reasons I don't love?” That's also completely okay, and a really strong sign that it may be time to learn more about coaching. Let's schedule it. Let's just chat, and you can tell me where you're at. We'll look at where you're going, what you do and don't want, and we'll make a plan to go from there. If you are leading a team in a season of change, or if you are starting a new job, executive coaching skills are invaluable to helping you inspire others to take aligned action, and inspire yourself to show up in integrity towards what you really want. It's totally possible, and I would be thrilled to help you do that. I hope you have a beautiful day, a beautiful week, a beautiful season, a beautiful project, and it's okay that it's hard sometimes. That's part of it.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com

First up is: where have I not shown love to myself? These are my answers: I don't listen to my body all the time, like when I sit on corporate conference calls for hours on end and I don't get up to pee, or overeat because the food tastes great in the moment, but it hurts me in the end. It's like I don't value or appreciate the experience of taste that I've had so far, and I disrespect or disobey the signals that my body is full. 

During my downtime, I prioritize more work or domestic tasks over fun, restorative activities. I struggle with making decisions of self-care over working. I haven't done my thought work consistently, which I know is one of the biggest ways that I can demonstrate love to myself and my boundaries. I let frustrations fester when I could just simply state what I need and want. Instead, I let myself stay fearful of the outcomes, or try to avoid a conflict and just put up with it. Or I’ll take one for the team, for the sake of harmony. 

For the second question: what does love feel like, and how do I know when I feel it physically and emotionally? What does love feel like? Here are my answers: love feels like a swelling, lifting, helium feeling that pulls my solar plexus up, and rolls my shoulders up and back, and my cheeks and throat. I smile and feel warm. I kind of get floaty all over, things seem brighter and warmer. It's relentless. It feels strong, and I feel secure. 

My answer to the last question: if I lived in love, what would be different in my day to day? My thoughts went bananas here. My thoughts were like a torrent, super muddy, thinking I had automatic pushback to even doing this imagination. It felt like a victim to the routine of my day-to-day. I feel like a victim to the routine of my day-to-day, the onslaught of chores, tasks, and all the little details that I'm responsible for. Not even at work, but yes, also at my corporate job. I can't imagine that even love would make that different. It hurts to not trust that love can do that. I do enjoy a lot in my daily life. I've already woven in joys and self-care, but it's not enough. Is that right? There's that damn thought again, that just-not-enoughness. That hurts. 

So here's my coaching reflection: these answers could each be explored independently, but for now, going through to create awareness is enough. Observation is powerful. Just getting my brain to recognize what it's doing in the background of my day-to-day will prime me, and help me to see whatever I need to explore more deeply next. There is a theme of insufficiency here, and I see it. There's more to come on that topic, no doubt. But right now, for today, observation is enough. That’s the power of leadership coaching and the thought work I use every day.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com.

I asked a stylist friend of mine to help me feel like myself again in the way that I look. Also, a couple months ago I started with a personal trainer twice a week to help me feel strong. My husband and I traveled to Paris because I've loved it there before, and I wanted a really immersive experience, a shock to the system. All of these things have been helpful and intrinsically rewarding. And still, here I am, just not quite myself. Then again, looking back, doing each of those things, they were all actions. I know the work that I need to do, and I'm trying to avoid doing it because it's inherently uncomfortable understanding the thoughts that are creating what I'm feeling. I really want to avoid those feelings. So I've been putting this off.

Here's a coaching reflection on what I just shared and what I wrote is “why? Why is it that I want to avoid that?” When I look at that question, my answer is, “because I'm scared that those answers are going to show me that I have to change things that I treasure so much about my life right now: my time with my kids, marital amicability, financial stability, and predictability, which means safety to my primal brain.” So my coaching reflection here is a recognition that those things feel scarce and fragile. My brain's answer is, “fuck yeah, they do. I feel like everything could go sideways at any moment. And that is terrifying. We've seen it. It's totally possible and maybe even probable.” I also know in my coaching mind that these are thoughts and not truths, but I'll circle back to it. 

What I want to do now is juxtapose these current automatic thoughts with what they may be showing me that I want instead. So, what changes do I want? What do I think I'm ready to explore more of, and why? 

I'm thinking back to this story. I go to a massage therapist, and she's amazing. If you're in Mobile, it's Denise Walker at Full Circle. She rested her hand over my belly, and I found myself crying. She said it was an emotional release, and that we all hold tension in different spots. She taught me that it was my diaphragm. I didn't know that it stretched across the entirety of my abdomen, so I started researching the diaphragm and the method that Denise used. She cited the Rosen method, so I went to Amazon and got a book called Rosen Method Bodywork, and I've been reading it slowly. Then, this section hit home for me. I'm going to show you guys an excerpt from it. The woman who created this method is talking about her discovery of this method, and some of the things that she discovered as she was standing up in this practice and doing her research.

This is what Rosen said: “I noticed that when people began to let go even more deeply in their abdomens, they seemed to become in touch with a love that they had never felt before. Why is this feeling buried so deep down in the body? I think it is the most precious feeling that we have, and we are so vulnerable around it that we protect it the most. I hear many stories of people putting out their love toward their families and being hurt and rejected. In the end, they're afraid to let their love show and bury it as deeply as possible. It seems to be the last feeling they allow to come up, and it only happens when both the diaphragm and abdomen relax completely. A trust has to develop first, and then surrender, in order for the diaphragm to have its full movement. When this happens, then the love comes out too. The love is not connected to a certain object or a certain experience. Rather, it is people's innate, loving beginning to surface.”(Rosen 31). 

So here's my coaching reflection: When do I most clearly remember the feeling of love in the way that she mentions it here, and for myself? I felt most like myself as a young person, the most intensely that I've ever felt love was me back then. I felt alive and in love with everyone. I felt in love with God, in love with my body, and in love with love itself. I was all about rom-coms all day long, I felt love deeply for others, to the point where I would spontaneously cry just for love and celebration at seeing others living their lives and being themselves in random moments, like the airport and the grocery store. Just watching people would move me to the point of tears, and I felt grounded in my love for my family, and in the love that I felt for them. I felt love, I felt certainty, and I felt clear. 

In reflection, there's something here for me to understand more, especially as an executive coach who works with clients on reflection work. It is my abdomen, that's larger than my frame, and high up to where the diaphragm is. So much so that I often get asked if I'm pregnant. It's my abdomen that hurts when I eat or drink wine, which I know is one of the ways that I like to buffer, numb out, and avoid hard emotions. It's also love that I couldn't create. A few years ago, when I was traveling for the first time after the pandemic, I saw so many people disregarding the safety protocols that were in place. I felt vulnerable, scared, and I couldn't get to that love. I recognized that it wasn't accessible to me, and my thoughts in that moment (and in reflection on my day-to-day), I see that I've been interpreting it as love that puts me at risk for pain, over and over again. Like feeling too much means that you're weak, like crying with professional peers or at work, having my voice tremble, being told to take a minute and get myself together, or not be so emotional. Loving, or valuing others above outcomes is also a liability and a threat to my income and status within corporate consulting, like when I had to make commendations or promotion denial decisions, like having one of my first boyfriends tell me he was into somebody else, and I wasn't enough. 

That intense love that I felt in that moment wasn't enough. That love hurt me in the end. Having so much love made that hurt all that much more intense. Like the miscarriages where I loved those little cells, named them, and talked to them. That love wasn't enough, either. Like when I give, do, or serve in my love language, and it's not what my family values, or it doesn't matter to them. Not in the same way, at least. Like not being understood or loved back in the same way, or love language by those that you're closest to, including friends and family. Like seeing those who exemplified and taught me love, make weird and wrong and terrible decisions, or have horrifying opinions, or turn around and exemplify so much of what I see as wrong in the world, like seeing political disagreements create literal lines of separation in my family and among friends, or like my own indictment here, of being the one to draw the lines and separate myself from those that I have loved.

All right, here's a coaching reflection. If you've ever coached one-on-one with me, you know that I love homework. So this is my homework for myself, and feel free to work with me if you find yourself in a similar situation. I'm going to ask these three questions. 

• Where have I not shown love to myself? What does love feel like? How do I know when I feel it physically and emotionally? 

• What does love feel like? 

• If I lived in love, what would be different in my day-to-day, and even doing this reflection up until this point? 

Here's one of the things that I've started as an experiment: I've updated my daily prayer. I have a daily prayer that, when I do it, it always hits for me. It's like a focus meditation, but I use it like a conversation with God. I’ll say, “thank you God for this, your day, this, your life, and this, your precious family, and this, your love. Help me, God, to honor you, to bring you joy, and to create love with everything I say, do, think, and intend. Help me, and help us all, please, to fully realize and wholly embody your purpose and love in this life and in this day.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here: 

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com.

I'm going to tell you a little story. I was really excited, like a kid at Christmas, and not just because it was the holidays, when my best friend, who's also my husband, (I know. Does that make you sick? The sappy love story there) said, “I don't know what to do. I've got to do this planning event with my team and I don't know where to start.” I responded, “are you kidding? This is literally what I do for a living, and it's my favorite thing!” I pulled together some of my favorite questions and framed them for what I knew about his team, what I knew about their focus, and his objectives for this coming year to help with his decision making. I'm going to share those with you.

If you're thinking about doing this exercise, the first thing I want you to remember is that your intention is to be open to what you don't already know, and to be open to hearing what you already know from a new perspective.

Okay? It's valuable just to let other people say out loud what they already know. When they hear it out loud, when we say things out loud that we've been carrying around in our mind, or our heart, it can help us listen to it in a different way. We can check to see if we still believe it or think it, if it's still accurate, and then refine it.

If there are goals that we have, saying them out loud, especially in a supportive group setting, can help us deepen our own commitment, which will help your beautiful brain have that self integrity that's necessary so that you can see it through. Okay, so we're going to create an open space. Even if you're doing this exercise alone, I want you to try to apply that same principle.

What can you say out loud? What can you put into writing? You're welcome to say it out loud. If you're giggling at that, I mean it. You can say it out loud in your car, in your office, in your kitchen. Saying it out loud is impactful. You don't have to. It's not necessary, it's just another level where you can have that self-reflection go even deeper.

Here's what you're going to do: You are going to ask these questions of your team, of yourself, and you're going to pause and listen for the answers. Sometimes, we like to think that we know everything, so we short-circuit and don't even ask the question, we don't give space or breathing room for the answers to show up.

This is part the magic of coaching work, part of the unlocking of that deeper knowing. So I want you to pause right now and, just for a second, ask yourself the question. I'm sincerely saying to ask yourself the question. I want it to run through your mind. If it doesn't come out of your mouth, you can run it through your mind, you can put the words on paper and answer this one question: What is my intention for the next three months? When I say intention, you can think of it as actionable goals, or you can think of it as an experience you want to have. 

And if the tangible planning piece isn’t clear yet, you don’t have to force it. You can think about the intention you have for how you want to feel. What is the dominant experience, the dominant emotion, what theme do you want to live this next couple of months? That’s a good kickstart question; if you want to take this work deeper, pull up your notes and look at these questions yourself.

Now, these questions are not set in stone, this is just a sample of some of the questions that can help you get to the root and the heart of what you want to create in this coming season, in this coming year, and in this coming decade. 

You are welcome to, invited to, and encouraged to edit these to make sense for you. If you want to talk about how to facilitate these conversations with your team, yourself, and your leadership, that’s what I’m here for as a leadership coach. That’s what I love to teach and share with you in my program. 

I look forward to talking with you more. If you are interested in learning about that, you can also hit me up at tarah@tarahkeech.com. I would love to tell you more, show you more, and if you want to do this exercise with me as your facilitator, I am open to that too! That’s one of my favorite pieces of work to get to do because I love to witness and facilitate teams(and the individuals within those teams) connecting to that bigger vision, identifying why they’re doing what they’re doing, and carrying it forward. 

I hope you really enjoy thinking about what it is that you want, and I wish you all the best.

It started with one of those beautiful Instagram shares. Thank you, Nicole. My beautiful sister-in-law shared with me this dad who was telling a story about observing his child having a hard emotional time, and she was feeling lots of feelings that she wasn't able to articulate because she had a new friend join her friend group and the daughter said, “I'm not jealous, I'm not jealous.”

And ultimately he came down to, “are you afraid there's not enough friendship to go around?” It was enjoyably articulated, and I could really relate to the story. Then the dad kept speaking, and explaining how he was processing it. He's mentions that we're all taught, the older millennials, Gen Xers who are expressing and healing their own emotional traumas and needs, those of us who are working to do this work of greater self-awareness, emotional healing, and burnout avoidance. We know that with the higher knowing, not always the tangible, realized knowing, we know that love is an option, and there is always more love.

We focused on that, right? We focused on healing, and getting to the place where we can create the love, the acceptance, and the permission that we need and want. This dad's point was: where have we created the capacity, or the permission to feel the negative spectrum emotions? I think this is an important thought for you.

And I want to offer you this. I've been observing this in my own life, in my coaching calls with clients, and with my kids this week, you do not have to rush out of your anxiety. You do not have to rush out of your sadness. You right now, whatever it is you're going through, you have infinite capacity to feel all of your feelings and you're here.

I know that you join me in these thoughts and reflections often, so you know that emotions aren't a bad thing or a good thing. They're indicators of what we're going through. And so, I guess I really just wanted to encourage you and share with you that feeling the sadness, the anxiety, the grief, the nervousness, the shame, or the anger isn't a good or bad thing.

You have permission to feel it. You are not being rushed out of feeling that feeling. In fact, the more that you can create the capacity, the grace, and the space for yourself to feel that feeling, the more that you're going to free yourself up to live your life with the purpose, the fullness, the intention, the depth, the beauty, and the pain that are part of what you're here to live.

For you, if there's an emotion that you're avoiding, like me, if you are also avoiding things (and maybe reading blog posts instead of doing something that's really hard), it's okay for you to feel that feeling. You are allowed to feel it and you are not being rushed or urged or cheerlead. (cheerleaded?) Someone let me know what that conjugation is. 

Feel it.

Let the emotion be present. 

Do not resist it. 

As a reminder, your emotions, whatever those emotions are, are a biological response. It is a chemical exchange that you experience as a physical sensation. You have tremendous capacity for it, and it is valuable. Don't rush yourself out of it. So today, for whatever it is you're feeling, I encourage you to think through how you can create more space, real grace, and understanding for you to let the feeling come and let it process.

And only when you're ready, not because you're running from it, or scared of it, or afraid of what it might mean, but when you're ready, you can shift into something else. You have all the time that you need, all the space that you need to feel what you're feeling. All right, that's it for today. I'm going to do a couple more clicks on my computer, and I'm going to go and let my anxiousness sit with me, let some fear sit with me, and let some sadness sit with me, and I am not going to rush out of it. I encourage you to do the same.

I look forward to being back with you on the next post soon. Have a great rest of whatever this day is for you, even if it is feeling the negative feelings. I'll talk with you soon.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com.

Hey there! I am about to ask you to do a really hard thing. Are you ready? It's the act of choosing to believe because it's a choice that you have control over within your thoughts. I'm asking you to choose to believe that everyone else is doing the best that they can with what they know, and what they're feeling. 

This is going to make your brain implode. I want you to think about the person in traffic, the coworker, the snarky friend, the kid, or the partner who is bothering you right now: bugging you, exhausting you, freaking you out. Just for a second, we're going to observe their brain because right now they're in a situation. They have stimuli and data points, information and scenarios, and facts that they are making responses to. The reason why they're responding in this way that is getting under your skin, is because of how they're feeling. It's their thoughts, it's their interpretation, it's their brain, it's their history, it's their experience that is pulling up those reference points, for them to interpret all of those data points, to interpret all of that fact and all of that situation. Their brain is doing the best that it can to help them stay safe, stay alive, and maintain their status quo. 

So you may be thinking of a person in traffic who was cutting in and out, driving so fast, and making you nuts. Their brain is doing that because it is somehow safer for them, or more intrinsically rewarding for them, and rewards equal safety for them to behave in that manner. Now, you and I have lived enough years to know that cutting in and out of traffic rarely gets you further ahead. You and I have different thoughts about that same data, and it doesn't feel as rewarding because we've lived through it. We've seen traffic play out, and we're not urgently trying to get somewhere. Their brain and their life are pulling up that option as the best choice to make for them to avoid pain, get that reward, seek pleasure, and stay alive.

Now, let's bring it a little bit closer to home. What about the person in your life who may be agitating you, or who may have really hurt you, or the person who may feel and be some kind of a threat to you politically, professionally, or emotionally? Just for this moment, we're going to imagine that it's possible that they are doing the best that they can with what they know, how they feel, and how they want to avoid feeling.

This is important to forgiveness work. You know that you're ready to forgive someone. When you're done feeling angry, resentful, and disappointed… That's what forgiveness is. Forgiveness is a decision of, “I’m done with those emotions.” Because you're done, and when you're done, you can release that negative emotional state. You are allowing your thoughts, that energy, all of that beautiful mental capacity that you carry around every day. You're allowing those resources to be redirected and refocused instead of focusing on the risk, the harm, and the hurt. 

I recognize that I am saying this to you in a clear, clean, and beautiful linear pathway. So in the real world, in your real life, your real body, and your real experience, if there is forgiveness work that you might be ready to do… If you are really tired of carrying that emotional weight of resentment, hurt, and anger, and you are ready to explore forgiveness, this is what I want you to do. I want you to do that hard consideration. See if you can get to the place that gets you slightly more neutral. As you think about this person, is it possible that, just from a biological perspective, their brain is doing the best it can do based on what they know, based on their experiences? Because the answer is likely going to be yes.

The next thing that I want you to do is to ask yourself if feeling anger, resentment, and hurt is showing you something. Maybe you're still feeling this way because there's a lesson to learn. Maybe you're still feeling this way because there is richness in that experience that you're ready to unearth and take forward as a lesson learned, as something that you can make decisions on next time, or share with someone else who might need to know it. The next thing that I want you to do when you're ready, once you're slightly more neutral, you've done that work. I want you to consider if and how you want to be with, around, or interact with that other person.

I'm going to do two examples here. The person that's not really part of your life, like the traffic person, the PTA person, the friend that's not really a friend, the relative you don't have to see but twice a year, how do you want to interact with them? Neutrally, happily, joyfully, silly? Do you want to stay distant and remote, or do you want to just not have to think about them at all? These are all options that are available to you. You might be thinking, “no, no, no, I have to see the person,” but do you? Do you have to respond? Can you opt-out? Is there a boundary that, if you established it, would create that peace, that flexibility? 

Now for the people in your life that you don't have that automatic distance with: what about the people in your family, or the people in your work that you do see that you have some commitment to? It may feel more like an obligation, but I'm going to call it a commitment here. The people that you have a commitment to be around, who you don't want to be around anymore, how do you want to interact with them? Let's say you're ready for forgiveness. You're there with me. We're tracking. You get to have a choice about how you treat them, how you show up with them and if, when, and how you interact with them. And that may not seem true. Maybe you’re like, “Tarah, my arm is twisted. It's all or nothing. I have to see them, or the world implodes, or this breaks down, or I fail.” Okay, let's look at the fact of that situation. Let's define how you want to look back on your success, and then we'll make a plan for that, and only that. Everything else is optional, but you are the one in charge. You have this choice. You get to choose how and if you forgive, and you get to choose how and if you interact with them going forward.

I want you to choose things and ways and reasons that feel really good and feel like they're in alignment with who you want to be more of, the future you want to create, the peace of mind you want to feel. There's absolutely a path from where you are right now to that future version of yourself. This is a lot of what I can help you with in our coaching program. 

If any of this has struck a nerve, and you're at all curious, I am here for you. You are welcome to reach out. Let's unpack this scenario. Let's get on a Enrollment Call. I'm going to ask you questions about how you see yourself now, what's really going on, all the nitty gritty, all the data. Then I'm going to ask you questions about where you want to be next and what that means to you, how you see yourself getting from point A to point B. Then I’ll provide you with an overview of the mindset, the framework, the emotional work, and the tactical work that's going to need to happen in order to get you there. And what I can help you do is simplify everything in-between. If you are interested in that, the links are on this website, tarahkeech.com. Click “enroll now” in the upper right corner to book your Enrollment Call. I hope you have a wonderful rest of whatever day this is, and I look forward to talking with you and being with you on the next blog post. Cheers!

Okay, first up, normalizing that your thoughts are working this way because your brain is doing a beautiful job. There is a concept in neurobiology called neural entrenchment. What this means is when you think a thought over and over again, what's happening in the physiology of your brain is that one neuron is firing to another neuron, or a system of neurons that's firing to a system of other neurons. That is how we learn; these brain connections form little trenches between those two connection points. That is how we know things. The more intensely we have an emotion, as we learn that thought, the deeper and wider that trench becomes. That means that that thought is easier to think. The other factor that helps your neural trenches get deeper and wider and easier to think is when you hear the same story, or you see evidence that supports that thought all the time and everywhere. Now your brain is wired to find proof of the thoughts. This is a bias that we all have. We want to be right. Your brain wants to prove that you're right. If you've ever tried to argue with someone you know was wrong, and they just couldn't let go of it, their brain wasn't doing a good job of protecting its integrity, proving itself right, or trying to. 

So in your brain, if you've got a negative thought going on, maybe it is some story that you've been telling yourself for a long time. Maybe it's a story that you were told about yourself, about your role in the world, about what you're capable of or not capable of, what you deserve or don't deserve, what your work and your interests mean and matter, or what they don't. Now, it's these thoughts that are likely part of your story, part of your inner narrative. They happen so frequently, and you've probably been holding on to them for so long, that those neural pathways (the neural trenches), the entrenchment of those thoughts are like a superhighway, right? That pathway is super easy to take. It's a well-worn path. Your brain wants to keep thinking that. Now, inside my brain is your coach. In the coaching that we do, my job is to be a mirror for you, to show you when these thoughts come up. Sometimes, when I'm thinking about you planning for our session and thinking through your thought models, I wish that I could just flip a switch, or snap my fingers and wake you up out of that thought, or help you see another thought, but I can't. It has to come from you. It has to be something that you're willing to shift, relearn, and reconsider. 

Now, I do want to encourage you that relearning is possible. Relearning is absolutely part of how you're wired. There's this other concept called neuroplasticity that means that your brain, that same gray matter that got entrenched in the first place, is capable of creating and learning new thoughts, new pathways, and new trenches. Now, this takes effort, an intense emotional experience, or reinforcement. What that means for you is: when you've got a thought that you know is no longer serving you, and it’s holding you back, it is your work to, firstly, observe the thought and not beat yourself up for it, right? That thought likely comes with an emotional response, or some sort of emotional cue. Maybe it's that you feel yourself pulling away from opportunities to have interactions with certain other people, on certain topics, or in certain ways. Maybe you are avoiding work, or people. Maybe you just feel really down, and you catch yourself in these thought loops. Those emotions are your flags to let you know that that thought is present. 

Okay, so recognizing it and not feeling bad about feeling bad, but listening to what's underneath it first. Then it's your job to choose whether or not that thought serves you. And yes, choosing your thoughts is a thing once you have thoughts that occur at that liminal level, at that level where you're able to put words to it. I'm not talking about subconscious, okay? I'm not talking about long-buried thoughts. I'm talking about the thoughts that actually cross your mind. Those are thoughts you have options about, and you can choose if you want to reinforce that thought and believe it, or you can choose to be curious about it. In that curiosity, consider: 

• Is that serving you? 

• Is this thought something that you want to keep believing? 

• Is this thought something that you want to keep making true in your life? 

If it's not, then it's time for the work of deciding what you want to believe instead.

Here are a couple of questions I encourage you to ask. This is loosely based in cognitive behavioral theory, but one of the greatest women and greatest thought leaders(in my belief) of our time is Byron Katie. She has a process called “the work,” and these are her questions:

• Is this thought true? Can you 100% know that that thought is true? 

Let's just say maybe the thought is, “I'm never going to be respected in this field/ in this relationship. I don't deserve respect. I'm not going to be respected. Nobody respects me.” All those flavors of thoughts are bullet points under that dominant thought. Is that thought true? Can you know it 100%? The answer is no. The reason that answer is no is because even if someone else has said that, it's still up to you to believe what they say. I'll give you this. How many times have you received a compliment, and you didn't believe it? A lot, right? You choosing to believe what someone else says is your option. It only rings true if you already believe that thought on some level. So, with the thought, “I don't deserve respect. I'm not respectable. I'm not worthy of respect.” Is that true? 100% unequivocally true? The answer is no. I mean, that's a spoiler alert, right? That's not a true thought. 

The next question in Byron's work is:

• Who would you be without that thought? Who would you be if you didn't have that thought, that neural automatic firing, that instant thought? If you chose not to believe that you were unworthy. Who would you be instead? What would be easier? What would come more naturally? What would not get in your way anymore? What would you feel more inclined to do now? Sometimes, once you get this clarity and answer these questions, it is easier to let go of those older thoughts. Sometimes, those thoughts are super sticky. 

I want you to ask yourself: 

• How is you believing this thought keeping you safe?  What is it protecting you from? Who would you be without that thought? Those answers that you just gave to Byron's question, who would you be without this thought? Being that person, on some level, likely feels new or uncertain, even unsafe to some degree. Now we get to really cleanly rational thought. Are you willing to take that risk? Is this a thought that you want to choose, or are you willing to be that person? To take that risk and step into the new, and the unknown of this identity that you could have without that thought? Is the risk worth it? I'm not here to say that it is or that it isn't. I want you to decide if it's worth it for you, if it's worth the investment, if it's worth the risk, and only you know that. 

I’ve got to tell you, if you've made it this far into this blog post, there is a thought going on that does not feel good, and it's no longer serving you. I believe the discomfort you're feeling is your brain and your body letting you know that something's ready to shift. I believe that, if you get to this level of thought, it is part of your preparation to let go of those thoughts that are no longer serving you. It can be this simple. It's not always easy, but it can be this simple. 

If you are ready for a change, if there is something in your life that you're ready to grow into, or let go of, that is exactly what I'm here to do; to support you as your coach. I would love to meet with you. Let's talk about what it would look like to work together and how I can support you: I can be your neutral soundboard, your mirror back, and help you design the future that you want to step into. Especially when it's hard, when that fear is there, that uncertainty is there, and it feels heavy. You are capable of this change, or it wouldn't have occurred to you. I would be honored to talk with you about how to make it real.

If you’d like to book a discovery call to learn how coaching can help you lead well and live well, book your call here:

Or you can always reach out to me directly at tarah@tarahkeech.com.

I'm curious, are you a DIY-er?  I like to think I'm a DIY-er. I grew up in a household where we were very hands-on. We renovated rooms and grew garden vegetables and always were able to create the things that we needed for our household. We weren't primitive or Homesteaders, as much as I romanticize that lifestyle.

I know that's intense, and a far cry from what we were, but I was brought up to learn how to wire sockets, and sheetrock, and do all sorts of things. So that's carried into my adulthood in a different way. I don't do those hands-on projects as much(hardly ever), but I do take it into my own hands to do other things.

So I love to make homemade bread. I love to make a lot of my jewelry, the beaded stuff. And I was thinking about this. I was looking at myself, checking myself in the reflection this morning on the drive in, and I was wearing some earrings that I bought at a store. 

I was like, “Oh, these are cute, but they're not quite right.” Or, “I wish I could do this to them and get rid of this little part of the design,” or playing in my mind with the changes that I would make, how I would do it myself if I could. I realized that short of doing it ourselves with a high level of skill, we're left with the options that we create, the options that we find.

I know this is a simple analogy, but think of the options that we find even when we're shopping. We're left to the options that we can scrounge up, that we can hunt and gather ourselves. 

Now, I was thinking about this because I've been toying with the idea of committing to doing a metalworking class next year. This is something I've always wanted to do. I think I'm really going to take it seriously in this coming calendar year. I don't ever do New Year's resolutions, but I do like to set intentions and imagine how the year is going to go. And that's one of the things on my list: learning metalsmithing.

I know that even when I learn it, it won't quite be the skill level that I need to create the designs that I have in my mind. The reason this stood out to me, and why I wanted to share it with you, is because so often we beat ourselves up. We take immense responsibility, and create so much shame and blame for our past selves and our decision making in those moments.

What's actually happened in those past moments is that you looked around with all the information that existed. If you can go back to that moment, that you, that version of you in the past, you made your decisions based on the information that was available, the thoughts that you had about that information, and how you were feeling.

It's not your accountability in every past moment of your entire life to have made the perfect decision, even the decision that you in today's moment makes. Your mind, as it's grown, as it's learned new information, you in this moment may have a tremendously different opinion from that past you. I want you to be aware if you're creating guilt or shame or blame or responsibility for those past decisions without remembering that you were basically shopping from what was available.

You did the best you could with what you had, and that's not necessarily a reason to blame or feel guilty. I want you to think about it this way. If there is a decision in your life that you wish you had made differently, I'm going to continue with a silly analogy. If there's something in your jewelry chest or in your wardrobe that you wish you hadn't bought, you're having buyer's remorse for these decisions.

You get to choose if you're going to keep them, or alter them, or let them go. Remember, it's these thoughts that hit at that level of awareness. It's these thoughts that cross your consciousness, that you can almost visualize or articulate that you do have an option about. You have options when it comes to those liminal and conscious thoughts.

You can make the choice to reinforce the thought, find evidence for it, choose to believe it. You can consider shifting that thought. And we've talked about how to do this. One of the ways you can do that is to really question, “is this thought true?” And it's not. Thoughts are always optional. If that thought is serving you, if you want to practice it and reinforce it, or if there's a different angle you can take on it, there's a different perspective or spin you can put on that same thought that might get you closer to where you want to be.

Like my jewelry here, if I could take off some of these little bits of these earrings, if I can learn metalsmithing good enough to take off the pieces that I don't necessarily love, will that serve me better?

You can do that with your thoughts too, or you can shift into a new belief. This does take effort, but it's totally possible. You are capable of creating new beliefs. Beliefs aren't some divinely appointed truth that shakes you. It may feel that way, and it's kind of like a high when it does.

It can be really hard to let go of those, but beliefs in their essence are really just thoughts that are still options. That's why so many people have so many different beliefs. It's because each human gets to choose what to believe and what not to believe. So, when it comes to circumstances in your life, when it comes to choices you've made in the past, how do you want to see those?

What of that decision do you want to make changes for? And what relationship, what blame and guilt or forgiveness and acceptance do you want to give to that past version of yourself? Now, if there is something that's coming up for you and that guilt or that regret, that shame is there, there's another way to look at this.

This is part of forgiveness work, which I'll talk about in one of next week's posts. Here are a couple of ways you can look at it:

-What have you learned from it? 

-Was it valuable? 

-Was it purposeful? 

-Were you doing it because you were working to create something on purpose with intention? 

-And finally, was it enjoyable?

Listen, I've made a lot of enjoyable choices that I would not make today. I’ve made a lot of really exploratory and brave decisions in my past that in this mind, in Tarah's mind today, I would not make again. That doesn't mean that I'm wrong for having made those choices.

 Let's say it's a relationship that you wish you could undo. In that moment, when you were in the relationship, you were doing it for reasons that were valuable, purposeful, and enjoyable. So I really want you to be kind to yourself today, especially as you're considering these past decisions. 

How do you want to view yourself now and yourself in the past? 

That's it for today, I'd love to know what you think. If some of this is bringing up thoughts that are lingering, or ways that you see past decisions, or patterns in your present day, and you're ready for that to shift, that can be a really great key to unlocking your potential in the future. To unlocking your path forward in a way that feels really aligned, purposeful, valuable, and enjoyable.

I'm here to help you do that. You can reach out to me at Tarah@TarahKeech.com. You've got all sorts of links to get in our one-on-ones. Let's have a discovery call. Let's figure out what your next best step is. Even if working together is not a fit, in this discovery call I will help you identify the things that are standing between you and where you want to be.

Book your discovery and enrollment consultation call here…

Or, I'm here and available by email to answer any of your questions. Please share with your friends if you can think of anyone that would value this. If you need anything at all, I'm just an email or a message away. I'll see you next week on the blog.

Hello! I am life and leadership coach Tarah Keech, and this is the Coach Well Lead Well blog! This is where you get to see inside the brain of an executive coach and leader as I coach my crazy smart clients, and myself, through burnout recovery, growth, goals, life, love, and all of the in-between. 

All right, you guys, I've got some tough love. Are you ready? 

This is tough love that I just gave myself, and I thought it might be tough love that you need too. I was feeling a little frustrated. There was a conversation where someone was… airing their grievances, let's call it that.

Do you guys know Seinfeld's Festivus tradition? That was never my show, but it was my husband's show, so the Seinfeld themes have woven their way into my life. We talk about the airing of grievances. If you don't know what I'm talking about, please Google that.

Back to today, this particular airing of grievances was crawling all over me. Man, my emotions were spiking. I noticed that I was feeling my shoulders tense up, and the back of my neck was getting tight, which meant that I was tense.

I was feeling defensive, and I knew that because my arm muscles were feeling really clenched, and they were close to my body, like that fighter stance. And then I was feeling really sad, almost like regret. 

That's what it was. It was feeling regret that I hadn't been able to intervene or do a better job. That thought was causing that feeling. Okay. Those physical sensations were letting me know I was having these emotional experiences. The thoughts are pretty easily identified. The grievances were aired. I gave a statement in response, and then I took a little break to make myself an afternoon cup of coffee.

I knew as I was doing it that my afternoon cup of coffee was a way to buffer, to placate those emotions, or try to compensate for the negative feelings. I was seeking that caffeine to help bolster me so that I didn't have to feel the negative feeling anymore. This is another huge, beautiful cue that there's some thought work to do. And that you're probably ready to do it.

If you're avoiding it, you can identify and look at it. So here I am, looking at it and identifying it. I was still drinking my coffee, indulging a little bit, and letting that be okay. I was observing my following thoughts as I thought, “I'm buffering, what's really going on in my mind?”

This phrase came out, and I wanted to show it to you because it's something that I hear all the time. I was stirring my sugar and cream in the coffee, buffer on buffer on buffer. I was like, “I just wish…”

 That phrase, right? “I just wish.” Now, a big part of my coaching is based on neurolinguistic programming. It's actually what I got my certification in. It's about the subtle art of how our words, our minds, and our words spoken impact how we see the world. They impact our experiences of other people and our experiences of ourselves. They're stitched together through this art of language. 

When you think about that phrase, “I just wish,” there are a couple of things that could be happening, and I just want you to be aware that when you hear, “just,” there's actually a deeper want that's trying to be expressed. So when you hear yourself or others saying, “I just wish,” or, “I just want,” when we add, “just,” in our language and our thoughts, it's an attempt at minimizing the desire. There is something about that particular desire that cues the language parts of our brain: to qualify it, to make it a little bit less serious, a little bit further removed from reality. The use of the word, “just,” is calling for us to ignore it. If I say, “I just wish they would, I just wish it could, I just wish I would.” What we're acknowledging is that there's something that we really want, but it's in someone else's power.

Since it’s in someone else’s power, it's unlikely, so we should just not consider it. We should not take it as seriously. It's unlikely to happen. When you hear yourself say that, and when you hear others say it, go a little deeper there. What is it that you do want more of? In my coaching for myself in this instance, I wanted more openness, forgiveness, willingness to work towards peace, to work towards openness and transparency, and the things that I value.

I want my values to be lived more fully in these experiences. That's my work. This brief thought work showed me that my values were not in alignment with how I was behaving in these calls, that there were opportunities for me to exemplify those values in the next steps that I chose to take, and in future conversations with the way that I talk to others and the way that I guide the conversation.

“Just…” I want you to listen for it this week. Where are you using the word “just?” Where is your brain trying to protect you from having to think about what you really want? I guarantee that what your brain's trying to protect you from is the area of growth that you really are ready for and that you really do want.

This is the beautiful thing about coaching. A coach is here to help you take action, and make uncomfortable changes because you know that they are in alignment with what you want. Being ready and clear about those uncomfortable next steps can create the pivots, the changes in your life that you are hungry for. It doesn't have to happen in big fell swoops. It can happen in these micro steps and these micro pivots.

Listen to your, “just.” Let me know how it goes, and I'll write soon. Take care.

For the next few weeks we're going to talk about a$$holes. Those you work with, those you work for, and those you lead. 
 

This week, let's level set on what an a$$hole is.

Go ahead and giggle, it's supposed to be funny. 

Asshole (noun) = someone who is detestable, annoying, contemptible, or mean.

The a$$holes in your life are the people who: 

• Are constantly a pain to deal with

• Require more of your attention, energy, and time because of how they behave

• Could choose to behave differently but don't

• Because of this, they present a risk (directly or indirectly) to your performance, reputation, and success

You know you're dealing with an a$$hole when...

• You feel triggered by the way they speak, think, and act

• You cannot understand the way they choose to behave

• You've tried everything short of making a full-blown scene but still can't seem to get through

• There is no accounting for how they have made it so far in life - It's literally mind-boggling

So you've got one. What do you do with them?

When it comes to working with a$$holes, there are different dynamics to consider depending on how you are matrixed to or hierarchically aligned to them - the approach to use to respond to a boss vs. someone you manage vs. a colleague are very different.

Next week we will focus on those who are at your same level. To get ready, this week I want you to look around and pay attention to the a$$holes you workWITH.

Homework

Between now and next week, pick one a$$hole in your life who you work with -this can be a peer, a vendor, a "frienemy," a networking connection, or a family member even.

1. What do they do that's the most detestable, annoying, contemptible, or mean?

2. What do you think about them? Really. Even the ugly thoughts. Put them down on paper. If you're worried they might read it, don't use names.

See you here next week for more about how to work WITH the a$$sholes in your life!

'Til then, cheers!

Week 1: The Assholes You Work With

This is week 1 of 3 where you'll be getting all the best practices for dealing with the a$$holes in your life. 

You know this: Leading is hard.
You're very rarely at the tippity-top. Even if you're a C-suite top dog, you've got board members and clients you're accountable to.

All leading is done from somewhere from the middle.
This makes it even trickier for you to know how to manage up, down, and sideways with all of the different people and relationships in your life. 

This is why in my Leader's Coaching Mentorship program I coach leaders just like you on how to become coaches in their work - so you can approach every dynamic, every challenge, and every challenging person in your life with coaching skills and a clean mindset so you can create the impact you want regardless of the variables in play.

If you want to learn more, there's a link at the bottom. 

In the meantime, here's what you came for: 

How to Deal With The A$$holes You Work With

Recap from last week: 
Assholes are a drain. They suck the life and energy out of you - not to mention the extra time, money, and work their snark and counterproductive swirl can cost you. 

Your tool kit for dealing with them depends on what role they play in your life. 
 

When You're Asshole-Adjacent

This week, let’s think about an a-hole you work with: a peer, a vendor, a "frienemy," a networking connection, or a family member even. 
 

The Fundamentals

For this series, there are some fundamentals you need in order to successfully deal with the assholes in your life. 

Know what you want. Answer these questions: 

• You know this situation is painful but what is it that you really want instead?

• If you had a magic wand, what would you change?

• If they were out of your life completely or behaving better, how would your life and work be better?

• What relief would you get?

• What impact would that have on your performance? Satisfaction?

Feelings are clues. You’re wired to feel because your emotions let you know when and what actions you need to take. 

Your brain and emotions want you to live your best life. Interpreting those signals so that you’re getting the most out of them can take practice. Observe. Name. Be curious. Be kind. 

What is your feeling of frustration and anger trying to tell you? It may be showing you that it’s time to define and honor a boundary line or that it’s time to reflect and level up your mindset. 
 

Now, onto the asshole at hand. 

The menu of available actions you have at your disposal to deal with this a-hole are determined by your relationship dynamic - especially at work. 
 

Here’s how to deal with the asshole you work with:

When you’re a peer with someone - you don’t have carrots and you don’t have sticks to incentivize or motivate them. 

You’ve done the fundamentals. Now, here are your next steps.  

STEP 1

"Do I need a boundary?" 

How to know if you are ready to draw a line. 

A boundary = Something you want that you’re willing to take action for. 

• Does what you want matter enough that you’re willing to consider taking action?

• Where is your line? If you do take action and still don’t see progress, what are your plans? Is it an HR escalation? Is it a request to be transferred?

If yes, continue to step 2. 

If you’re not willing to take an action or the risk outweighs the benefit, then it’s time to look at your mindset and the automatic thoughts that are coming up. Skip to step 4.
 

STEP 2

Boundary drawing time.
You know what you want. 
You like your reasons. 
You’re ready to do something about it. 

Strategize with intel.

"What does the asshole want?"

This is the soft-science of interpersonal relationships. 

Know this - assholes (along with every other human ever) act the way they do because it serves them in some way. 

Evolutionary psych 101: Humans want to climb the pyramid of survival. We have to have the basics of survival (food, water, shelter, sleep, safety) and then we progressively want: belonging, community, respect, self-esteem, freedom, and to be the best we can be. 

Understanding which of their needs are being met through their poor behavior, is intel that will help you formulate your approach. 

There are two approaches and you can use either or both:

Positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement. 

For instance: If they are talking down to you and you think it’s because they (consciously or unconsciously) perceive it as a way for them to establish a political edge or boost their own fragile sense of self-esteem…

Here are a few examples: 

• Positive reinforcement: Show them a change will produce a positive result.

If you want to build rapport and establish your equal footing, start by acknowledging what you do respect (about them, their work, their role, or the fact that they’re a human being) and then connect the dots for them on how what you want supports what they want. 

“I know your reputation matters to you and see the pride you take in the work you do. When you say things like ['quote'], it sounds like you don’t value or respect me and my work. But because I respect you and what you think, if you have constructive feedback, share it with me directly. I’ll do the same for you. I know we can work through it because we both want to help this get done well.“

• Negative reinforcement: Show them a change will avoid a negative result.

If you’re ready to be direct, show them how their behavior is out of line and tell them how their behavior is a risk to what they want. 

“You value how you’re perceived and I know you want to succeed. When you talk down to me and others it’s counterproductive which puts your success - and all of our success - at risk. Also, it makes you look petty and not like the leader I know you want to be.”

STEP 3

Honor your boundary. Follow-through with your decision. This will be uncomfortable. This is where nerves, self-doubt, second-guessing, gaslighting, and fear come in. 

This is also where the payoff is. You used your higher mind, your critical functioning and executive decision making to plan in Step 1. 

Do your future self a solid and take action for all of those reasons that matter. 

STEP 4

Whether you draw the boundary line or not, you wanna like your reasons for whatever you choose because doing things for reasons you don’t like is how you get burnt out. This is thought work. 
 

Why does what you want matter?

• Is it because you’re moving toward something you want?

• Or are you running away from something you’re afraid of because there’s something you’d rather avoid? Like guilt, or shame, or embarrassment.

• Look back at your reasons. When you read them, do those reasons make you feel more positive or negative emotions?

Mindset. Emotional friction comes when we have competing values, beliefs and thoughts.

You may have outgrown old thought patterns or your past ambitions may no longer be serving you. 

For example, when you have a sense of scarcity or “not-enough” of something (time, money, energy, love, worthiness, good-enough-ness, etc.) whatever you do will always feel crappy. And - #spoileralert - regardless of what you do, when you take action because you’re feeling scarcity nothing you do will ever feel like enough.
 

These are great moments.

Feeling this friction is not a bad thing. It usually means that what you want has changed - your ambition has evolved - you’re gaining more clarity - you know more and want more or different things. It’s normal! It’s a function of being human! It’s allowed! It’s healthy! It’s growth! 


When you’re triggered by an asshole, your brain, body, and emotions are letting you know that you’re ready to grow.

You're ready to evolve so you can live your best life.
That’s some next level shizz. Isn’t it beautiful!? 

Hard? Yes. 

Uncomfortable? Yes. 

Glorious? Yes.


Stay tuned. Next week - we talk about the A-holes above you. Those are tricky dynamics for sure. Follow along to get yourself well-positioned to handle whatever they send your way. 

Skip to the bottom? I got you covered. 

Ready to be a better leader? 

The Leader's Coaching Mentorship teaches you the game-changing coaching skills you're ready for to make leading less of a goat rodeo and much, much more fulfilling.

It's where you'll learn how to lead, thrive, and deliver. Yes, simultaneously. Simply and with joy.

Week 2: The Assholes You Work For

You know you’re working for one when… 

• They’re impeding or distracting you from your goals and success

• The things they do and say make you want to crawl out of your skin and, or cry

• Nothing you do seems like enough, even if you do what they say they want

• Their behavior is not predictable or not understandable

• You don’t know what else to do

Recapping the fundamentals of managing an a-hole

Fundamentally, managing the a$$holes you report up to requires two steps:

1. Know what you want.

2. Use your feelings as cues and clues. Cues that you’re ready for something to shift. Clues as to what you want, what needs to shift, how to do it.

They’re the boss

Emotions are tools that your brain and body use to help you know how to navigate life successfully. 
Your survival and thriving are the gold stars that your brain is striving for.  

When something is a threat to your survival, you feel fear or panic. Modern day survival defense responses can be triggered when your livelihood, reputation, status are threatened or at risk. 

So if your boss triggers you in these ways, here’s what your feelings are trying to tell you:

• Anger it means that you’re feeling threatened and in a moderately hulked out defense mode. (This is the fight-emotion from the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn threat responses.)

• Annoyed it means that you’ve been repeatedly, consistently irritated.

• Burnt out it means that you’re physically, mentally, and/or emotionally exhausted.

• Frustrated it means that you’re being prevented from succeeding or progressing.

• Insufficient it means that you think you’re undeserving or like you haven’t earned it, that your value is not adequate, or that you’re an imposter.

• Resentment it means that your expectations and, or boundaries are not being met. You want your boss to treat you or others a certain way and they’re not measuring up.

• Shame it means that you’re embarrassed and think you’ve been acting in a way that you or your boss thinks is not good enough or not right.

• Stuck it means that you feel like there are not any viable or desirable options, like you're trapped, and it may be to the point where you don’t even know what you want.

Why it bothers you

“I hate them! So, why am I feeling these feelings?“

In short - You feel this way because you care. 

You care about the work you’re doing. 
You care about your clients. 
You care about your team. 
You care about your potential, your reputation and your success.

It’s uncomfortable because you matter. You may not always remember that you matter and some days it may be hard to remember that you’re worthy of respect. It’s ok that those thoughts happen - you have a human brain. 
 

Here’s what’s important to focus on next: 

Get a piece of paper and make some notes. 

1. Pay attention. When you’re feeling these reactions write down what are the literal data points of that situation? In that moment, make a list of the FACTS of the circumstance you’re in - facts only. What exact words were said, what specific action was taken. Only list absolutely provable things. If there’s even a chance that you and your boss might see it differently, it doesn’t make the list.
   

2. Be curious. Now, when you look at that list of data, the cold-hard facts of the situation:
   ... What does it mean to you? This is where I want you to put your opinions, your conclusions, and your thoughts.
   ... What does that situation make you think about yourself?
   ... What do your boss’s words or actions mean about you? Your capabilities? Your value? Your future?
   

3. Practice kindness. When you first see your thoughts put down on paper, it’s normal to want to chastise yourself or jump straight into problem solving.

   It’s not kind when you make yourself feel bad about feeling bad.
   You’re also missing the clues your emotions are trying to show you which is not kindness either. Imagine telling your best friend to shut up when they’re talking about a hard day. You wouldn’t belittle them - don’t do it to yourself.
   I say “practice” kindness because it takes rehearsal to get good at it. The more you choose to be intentionally kind, the more consistent you become and the easier it gets. The benefits of kindness keep on going: Practice kindness - To yourself first, then to others.
   
   POINTER: When the word “should” creeps in - it’s usually a pretty good clue that it’s “kind time”:

“I should be grateful, others have it worse.”
“I should just suck it up, buttercup.”
“I should just try harder.”
“I should be better.”

Now you’re ready

You’ve done the first steps. You’re seeing the whole playing field now. You’ve stepped out of the reactive state and now you’re ready and able to clearly create a strategy for what to do.

Your next step is boundary work or thought work. (For a refresher on what that can look like in detail, see week #1 below.)

Boundary work

Is there a line to draw? A line to honor? To what extent? And then plan for it. And then do it. And then continue to honor it. Make sure you like your reasons why you’re honoring the boundary.

Thought work

This can be:

• Getting your confidence ready to stand up for your boundary

• Finding the clarity about what you want and what boundary you can honor to help you get there

• Forgiveness of your own mistakes and releasing the expectations you hold for others

• Self-worth and respect for yourself as a human with value

• Self-efficacy to know that you are capable of doing hard things and that your reasons matter

• Self-integrity to show up for yourself and keep the promises you make to yourself

This is not an inborn skill or gift

These are things we are not born knowing how to do. 

It can feel really lonely, kind of scary, and hard to know what to do, when to do it, how to do it when you’re face to face with an a-hole bully.

This is one of the major ways coaching is such a super power secret weapon. Having someone outside of your workplace, outside of your friends and family who GETS it and who can help you think strategically about what you really want, and how best to get it is INVALUABLE.

This is what you get in my program The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. There are on-demand lessons that teach you the amazing frameworks for how you can be a coach in your own role leading up, down, and sideways AND you get my brain to coach you and help you see where your pitfalls are, discover what you do want, and strategize to get you there.

Coaching + Training = You making the progress, difference, and impact you want in the world.

First step? Book a discovery consult call and learn more about The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship by clicking >> here.

Next week: Same BatTime, Same BatPlace! 

Next week we are going to talk about leading and being responsible for an a-hole.

It’s rarely as simple or easy as you may want it to be. We’re going to dive into the best practices for managing down with the “difficult” people on your team.

With love, joy, and gratitude,
Tarah Keech, MA
The Leader's Coaching Mentorship | Tarah Keech Coaching
So you can lead, thrive and deliver
Email: tarah@tarahkeech.com

The A$$holes you manage

Dearly beloved, We are gathered here today, to talk about the a-holes you’re responsible for managing. 

This is the final week of our three part series on Managing the A-holes that you work with, for and those you lead.  

Today, we’re going to dive into the best practices for managing the “difficult” people on your team to help raise up their behavior / attitude / performance so you can, in turn, get the work they’re being paid to do done. 

This is a core component of exactly what we do together in the Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. If you want to learn more about that, there’s info here and at the bottom.

You know you’ve got one on your team when: 

• Others complain about them

• It may be a dent in your reputation to have them on your team

• They’re resistant or impertinent to direction, correction, or consequences

• You dread your one-on-ones

• They’re not fireable - but dang, you wish they were! 

• You’ve tried - really, you’ve tried - and you’re at your wits 

• Managing them has made you question whether you’re even in the right job/role/company

Stop swirling. Clear up your thoughts. 

Your Thoughts About You

You gotta like your reasons for why you’re doing what you’re doing. 

• Why are you doing what you’re doing? 

• Why are you doing THIS job? 

• Why do you like the work your company’s doing? 

• Why is this work important? 

• Do you like those reasons? 

Your Thoughts About Them

What about them bothers you? It’s not enough of an answer to say “I just hate everything about them.” :)

Think about how you describe them to other people. Now, are there other people, situations, past examples when the same or similar things have been done to you? 

Where in your life do you feel like you may be behaving similarly? 

Once when I was getting in the car at our local recycling center, I was climbing back up into the truck and right where I grabbed the armrest was a bee. I squashed him but not before he had a chance to sting me! I may have teared up. I may have said some regrettable things in the presence of my children. 

It hurt. 

But, being a grownup, we kept running errands, swollen hand and all. It was there, in the Costco checkout line when my husband, Brian, lovingly reached over to touch my hand and show me a deal on pretzels I screamed, caused a minor scene, and swatted him away. Didn’t he know I was hurt? How could he forget! He hurt me! 

But not really. It wasn’t him. It was the bee. And if you take it one step back down the cause and effect ladder - I didn’t look where I was putting my hand. Brian was not responsible for me being hurt. He just happened to touch my wound. 

Sometimes it’s easier to swat and be mad at the person who touches the bee sting than to be mad at the bee who stung us (or ourselves for sitting on the bee in the first place). 

When you’re upset at someone, it’s worth examining - is the pain coming from them or are they just bringing up a sore spot that was already there. 

Remove any chance of ambiguity

The clearer you are about what you want and why you want it, the better others are to succeed. 

Let me say that again - 

You being clear and focused in your thoughts, wants, and intentions helps others succeed. 

Ask yourself these questions

• What do you want? 

• Why do you want it? 

• Why are they the right person to help? 

• What impact / cost / pain is it causing your team, clients (others) when they act like an ass?

• What are the specific changes you need? 

• What do you see as possible for them? Why do you want that? What good will it do you? What good will it do your clients and team? What good will it do them? Be specific. 

• What EXACTLY do you need them to do? How will you know when they’re doing it well? Define your success proof points. 

• If they do not do these things, what are the consequences you’re willing to stand by? What are your real options? 

• Is it worth it to make an investment to help them succeed?

Your answers here become your boundaries. 

As a reminder from our first part of this series: 

A boundary = Something you want that you’re willing to take action for. 

If you like your reasons, and you are willing to take action, the last piece of the puzzle is answering “How?”

Once you know your boundaries, then take action. 

Based on your answers, you get to decide on your menu of options. Some may include: 

• Quit

• Fire them

• Run away

• Talk with them 1:1

• Talk with HR and then them

• Write it down and email it

• Call out bad behavior the next time you see it

• [Fill in the blank with what makes the most sense for you, what you want, and do it only if you’re doing it for reasons that are aligned to values you love.]

If you THRIVE in strategy and LOVE this kind of stuff

This what we do in The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. You learn how to be a certified Leader-Coach and you get personal, private coaching and focused hands-on support while you’re doing it. 

“I totally underestimated how life-changing it would be to have someone outside to help me navigate all of this.”

“My team has literally noticed that I’m coaching them better - like, commenting that ‘I don’t know what’s changed but I really like this new you.’”

Management can feel lonely. It doesn’t have to be. Get coaching, learn coaching, be a better leader and while you’re at it - thrive. 

The payoff is in every area of your life. 

“I’m so much more clear and even my husband noticed. And that’s really saying something! He had no idea but it’s paying off big time.”

“I didn’t realize how much I was carrying around those things and that they were like, showing up in how others were seeing me too. I’m just feeling more confident. It’s nice.”

Even when you’re really good at your job, this is the science and application of best practice that will keep you sharp, keep you evolving, keep you leveling up. 

“I’ve been doing this stuff for years but didn’t know the science and reasoning behind it. But now, I see these [opportunities] and it’s like I’m able to really take advantage of them. And to see it land - man, that feels really good!”

Applications are open if you want to learn more and apply to The Leader’s Coaching Mentorship. It’s a unique program where you’ll become a certified Leader-Coach and you get 6 months of personal leadership coaching for $2,000. 

The price is going up in September. 

Apply today. 

How do you want to show up today? 

How do you want to feel as you go through the rest of this day? 

How about tomorrow? 

How do you want to see yourself as you go through the motions, interact with your people? 

I asked some of my clients yesterday about how they want to feel today, and here are some responses: 

• Capable, Strong, Brave, Peace

• Curious, Invigorated, Productive, Enjoyment, Fulfilling, In the flow

• Productive, Peace, Rested, Breathing

You can choose how you want to show up.
How you want to feel is available to you. 

Start by imagining what it is that you want to feel. 

That’s it for this week. Live in that imagination. 

What you want is possible. 

The Leadership Coaching Mentorship

If you’d like to learn how to create more of what you want and help those you lead do the same - get your goals achieved, complete your projects with less drama, and more simplicity - join me in the Leadership Coaching Mentorship. You’ll learn the art and science of coaching as a leader. Then, you’ll have the chance to apply it in real life with coaching, and become a Certified Leadership Coach. 

Your first step is to submit your application, then we’ll have a goal setting call, and we get started June 1. Get started here: https://www.tarahkeech.com/leadershipcoaching

Recap

How do you want to show up? In your day today and in your life? 
How you want to feel is available to you. 
Start by imagining what it is that you want to feel.  Live in that imagination. 

What if instead of having to balance #allthethings it could be simple? 

What if instead of having to split your energy in a dozen different directions simultaneously and flip back-and-forth between all of your different roles and all the different sources of input and all of the different momentary drama and fire drills that flare up... you had an alternative?

Instead of panic or resentment or frustration you could feel ready, clear, calm and confident. 

Your emotions are a result of your thoughts. 

If you’re thinking anything along the lines of:

“I have to do all these things all at once and nothing’s ever quite right or quite good enough and why is all this chaos the status quo and why is it so hard and why am I not a better smarter faster stronger?” 

Then of course you’re going to feel overwhelmed, discouraged, stuck, burnt out and flat out weary. 

But I want to offer you this today:

it’s not about having to wear all the hats - It is about focusing.

Focusing with the time that you have on the things that you want to get done.
That’s it. It’s super simple. 

Now, what it does require is planning and discipline but you are totally capable of that.

Fractured thinking produces fractured results. 
Focused thinking produces focused results.

If the mere mention of the word "focus" is sending you into a tailspin, look at your thoughts. 

• What are you believing about the possibility of focusing? 

• Are you believing that it’s not possible to focus? That you have too much else going on? That it’s all urgent? That there’s no way to prioritize? 

Those are all thoughts (which means they’re optional).

Those are all the thoughts at play right now creating the result that you’ve got: one step forward and two steps back. A little bit of progress here a little better progress and a whole lotta drama in between. 

Your results prove your thoughts.

If you want different results find the thoughts that are creating your results. 

Certified Leadership Coach

If you’d like to learn how to do this and help those you lead do the same - get your goals achieved, complete your projects, with less drama, and more simplicity - join me in the Leadership Coaching Mentorship. You’ll learn the art and science of coaching as a leader. Then, you’ll have the chance to apply it in real life with coaching, and become a Certified Leadership Coach. 

Your first step is to submit your application, then we’ll have a goal setting call, and we get started June 1. Get started here: https://www.tarahkeech.com/leadershipcoaching

Recap

Success is not about having to wear all the hats - It is about focusing.

Focusing with the time that you have on the things that you want to get done.

That’s it. It’s super simple.

#understatementoftheyear

There have been some shifts this past year. 

From: Hyper-reactive, Go-go-go-go-go!

• To: Wait. 

• To: React! Hurry! 

• To: Survive. 

• To: Wait some more. 

In your work you may have seen this pattern too: 

• Event. React! Wait. 

• Event. React! Wait. 

This is like a rollercoaster: From torture to exhilaration and back again. And this pattern isn’t limited to 2020/2021. 

The reaction rollercoaster shows up in big and small ways. 

Like… 

• Check your phone and find an email. React! Wait. [Repeat] Check your phone and find a DM. React! Wait. 

• Or, my employee is freaking out. React! Wait. Client has a crisis. React! Wait. Boss is upset. React! Wait. 

Reaction is value in sheep’s clothing.

And the thrill of the ride can be addictive and reacting gives us a sense that we’re necessary, important, and that our actions are critical. 

It feels like value and value feels amazing. 

But I want you to consider this: 

• What do you do when there’s nothing to react to? What do you spend your time and energy doing? Scrolling pinterest or tiktok or anywhere else? Dwelling in the past or the should’ve’s? Perfecting something that’s already good? 

• What’s it like when you’re waiting? Does it feel good? Does it feel like stuckness? Does it feel sad? Hopeful? Empty? Restful? 

Events are outside of our control. Reaction and waiting are optional. 

The last question: 

• If you are currently in a state of waiting, what are you waiting and wishing for? 

Imagine yourself in the absence of a reactionary response. If what you’re waiting for is something you actually want, there are other ways you can use those other moments that will help you create it.

With love, joy, and gratitude,
Tarah

P.S. If you’re a leader or entrepreneur and want to get off the reaction rollercoaster and create your results from intention, join me in the Leaders’ Coaching Mentorship. It’s a six month program where you’ll go deep into the science and the art of coaching. You’ll learn how to powerfully connect with and lead others. And you’ll get coaching and support every step of the way for yourself as a human and for your skills as a coach leader. Reply here and I’ll share more. Applications close April 30th and we get started June 1. 

RECAP

The reaction cycle can be thrilling and addictive but what is it that’s going on in those in between moments? In the absence of reaction, whether you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop or just hanging out, what is it that you really want? 

Connect with Tarah Directly

Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting. 

No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally. 

Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.

She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.

WORK WITH TARAH

JOIN THE WEEKLY EMAIL LIST

And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.

What is stress? Does it even exist? And if it does, whose responsibility is it anyway? 

Here’s a conversation I had with one of my clients about stress. 

It’s such an interesting idea that I thought you might enjoy nerding out with us behind the scenes a little too.

It started with them forwarding this Instagram post and then we carried it over into email. With their permission, I’m excerpting that thread for you here: 

Initial message:
What are your thoughts on this? I agree with her but I also think our thoughts can make the stressful situations so much worse.

My reply: 

Stress is real. It's a biological reaction to help us survive challenging circumstances. 

Here's the fun, meta, trippy part - it's true for all feelings but let's look at it as stress. We experience stress like an emotion but you can also think of it like a circumstance - when you're in an elevated stress state, your bio markers like cortisol, BP, glucose, adrenaline are also changed over your baseline. When we have thoughts about the feeling, that becomes its own model which amplifies, distorts, and can be like a vortex of an experience. 

• Circumstance: Stress response. 

• Possible Thoughts or Meaning about that Circumstance: This is stressful. This should be different. I shouldn't be stressed. I should be relaxed. I should have made different decisions. 

• How you might Feel: More stress, resentment, guilt

• Likely Actions to take when you Feel that way: Spirals of stress, buffering, or avoiding

• What is that ultimate Result? Worse stress. 

Alternatively, we can also do the healthier options:

• Intentional Thoughts: This is an opportunity to look at what I really want. I can reprioritize my work/day. I am going to slow down. I can delegate. XYZ is not important. ABC is not my responsibility. This is my boundary, how can I honor that? 

Similar to pain - we have the physical neurological signals that we interpret as a sensation. And then we have thoughts about that pain - OMG, this is horrible, am I dying, is it a tumor, why is this happening to me, this shouldn't be happening to me, I'm too old/young, all of those varieties of human thought :) Those thoughts drive our experience of the circumstance of pain. 

I think Dyer in that quote was saying that stress is not an external circumstance but it's how we internally process or perceive our circumstances that creates our experience. We know this b/c in any set of situations, people can have the same situation but have very different responses. 

 What do you think? Don't you just love thinking about this stuff!?

Their response:

I love thinking about this stuff too. 

It almost seems like the post is implying that if you feel stressed it's your fault because of your stressful thinking and you should just change your thoughts and you won't feel stressed anymore. 

I think what you said makes more sense.  We feel stressed and then we have a choice whether or not we amplify it with our thoughts about the stressful situation. 

Thanks :)

My reply: 

Yes! And I should have added that it's an amazing asset when we DO feel stress. ZERO stress guilt (maybe that should be a new hashtag). Stress is a really keen, invaluable, critical function of our brains and biology that literally helps us survive. It keeps us alert and aroused when there are threats. It helps us maintain stamina when the pressure is on to keep our lives in balance and sustained. Thank God for stress! 

The mindfulness tools are powerful pivots when that survival stress response is triggered and it's NOT a life / death situation. This is why it's so important to observe and understand what's going on in our thoughts. When we can be curious (and kind) as we try to understand the actual factual data of the circumstance, and observe our automatic interpretations of them which are driving that emotion. Every emotion is showing us something. Every single feeling reaction is there to teach us - it's up to us to decide what they mean. 

And then, that's why it's SO worth the effort to build in intentional thoughts and beliefs. When we can see what there is to learn from our feelings, we can then choose how to respond in a way that serves our Big Results. Intentional Thoughts are our tools to keep our survival responses and resources ready for real emergencies - to keep our energy preserved for and focused on the work, effort, planning, and actions that will create the Results we actually want - Instead of spinning in inaccurate and exaggerated stress responses which ultimately deplete our resources, feel crappy, and distract us from actually getting what we really want. 

This is so fun! Thank you for sharing your thoughts! 

----- [End scene] -----

Your turn! What do you think? 

How do you think about stress? 

Reply in the comments right here and let me know! 

Recap

Stress is an invaluable, critical function of our brains and biology that literally helps us survive.

Like all emotions, stress is showing us something. Either it’s a true survival cue or it’s an opportunity for us to dial into those good intentional, mindful thoughts that will help us take control of the automatic stress cycle that can “hotwire” our behavior. 

Either way, the experience of stress is a tool and there’s no guilt for feeling it. #zerostressguilt

P.S.

If you’re a leader or just love thinking about how our psychology and coaching can apply to your life and work, I invite you to apply to join me in a 6-month Leaders’ Coaching Mentorship. We will go deep into the science and the art of coaching so that you can learn how to more deeply connect with and guide those you lead and serve. And you’ll get coaching and support for yourself every step of the way too. Reply here and I’ll share more. Applications close April 30th and we get started June 1. 

Connect with Tarah Directly

Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting. 

No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally. 

Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.

She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.

WORK WITH TARAH

JOIN THE WEEKLY EMAIL LIST

And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.

And then I got sick. 

Because that was not what I wanted. I had invested all of this effort and alllll of this money and alllll of these days, weeks, and months in something that I didn’t really want after all. 

I didn’t want this career. I didn’t want this area of specialty. I didn’t want this as my future. 

But I felt this tug of guilt. I felt ungrateful. I felt ashamed. Regret. Lost. Obligation. Trapped. Alone. Floundering. 

“Who am I to throw away this investment?”The investment I made in myself was one thing but this had been an investment my husband had made - we uprooted our lives and moved and started fresh. This was an investment from my teachers and mentors who helped me get here because it’s what I had said I wanted to do. 

“Am I just supposed to throw it all away?”

This is the sunk-cost fallacy. It’s rooted in a perception of scarcity. 
And it’s a trap. 

You don’t have to choose any path.  You can choose your path. Heck, you create your path. 

But like your reasons for what you choose. 

If you’re making choices because you feel obligated, guilty, or regret - you do not like your reasons. 

It can be hella scary to create your own path, to diverge from the predicted, planned, orchestrated plan. But if you’re doing it for reasons you like - that is fulfillment. 

• If you want help to find out what you want: Maybe it’s been a long time since you asked yourself that, or maybe it’s been a year, or years, of being in survival mode where you’ve had to focus on just getting by - but now, you’re ready to open up to the possibilities and see what your ambition has evolved into…

• Or, if you want help to start carving out more of what you already know is right for you: But it’s requiring some shifts in what you’ve been doing and how things have always been done…

Then join me in the Level Up Membership. Coaching in this program is designed to help you transition into what you want to create in your life. Whatever those goals and visions or inklings are showing you, you are ready for the next step and coaching can help. Join here. 

And if you’d like to learn about how to apply the art and science of coaching in your role as a leader, reply to me here. I want to invite you to apply to join me in a 6-month coaching mentorship where you’ll learn the application and practice of coaching as a leader. It is a skillset that will change the way you see the world, the way you connect to people, and the results you’re able to create through your team and in the world. Applications are open until April 30 and we start on June 1. 

RECAP

You create your path. 

But make sure you like your reasons for whatever you choose. 

If your evolution of ambition has you questioning if you should stay the course or what it will mean if you don’t and you’re making choices because you feel obligated, guilty, or regret - you do not like your reasons. 
It can be hella scary to create your own path, to diverge from the predicted, planned, orchestrated plan. But if you’re doing it for reasons you like - that is fulfillment.

Connect with Tarah directly

Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting. 

No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally. 

Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.

She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.

WORK WITH TARAH

JOIN THE WEEKLY EMAIL LIST

And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.

Do you have people pleasing tendencies?

Then here’s what I know about you, if you’re like me and so many of my clients, you have a heart for service. 

You want to help others and you love when you can see the impact of your words and deeds.

It can be kind of an addictive cycle to get that praise, the “Thank you,” the gold star, the A+.

It’s validation. It’s proof of your good work, that you’re good enough, that you matter. 

This also means you have a habit of needing the praise, the thanks, the gold star, the grade in order to feel good enough and believe that you matter.

You may find yourself waiting on someone else to award you with proof of your significance and your value. 

In your brain

Praise, awards, and rewards trigger the release of the feel-good neurotransmitter, dopamine.

This automatic reward is a positive reinforcement that helps us on a primal, automatic level know when we’ve done a behavior that garners us favor in our community - a survival asset from the very earliest days of humans and communities.

REMINDER: Your brain’s job is to keep you alive.

You’re hardwired to pursue dopamine releasing behaviors because they feel good so that we can continue our survival-supportive behaviors. 

People pleasing versus service

In today, 2021, people pleasing does not hold the same survival-imperative that it has in eras gone by.

Let’s look at how this works in your thoughts. 

Exercise 1

How do you know when you’ve pleased someone else? What’s the evidence?  

Your answer probably included that others give you feedback, gratitude, or acknowledgement. 

But people pleasing is a shell game. 

*You can only ever know your own thoughts and experience your own feelings.* 

Let me say it a different way: 

You can NEVER know anyone else’s thoughts or experience their feelings. You will never even know for sure if they mean it. 

Exercise 2 

Think about the service and work you want to do in this world. Imagining that you won’t get any feedback or reward, how will you know you’ve done a great job? 

It may help to think through the SMART criteria - what are the specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound evidence you’ll have? 

You create your own value. 

You are the ONLY one who decides if you’re doing a good job, serving well, making an impact.

It’s only ever your interpretation, your meaning, your thoughts that create your sense of self value.

Putting it into action

Personal Coaching

If you'd like some help in doing this, join me in the Level Up Membership. It's personal and group coaching to help you create and experience more value in your life and career and I'd love to have you join: tarahkeech.com/details

Coaching Mentorship

If you have a heart of service and are a leader or want to become a leader, and want to learn more coaching to equip your team and those you lead, I’d love to have you apply to join me in a six month intimate coaching mentorship program. 

We start in June, and for six months, you’ll get guidance, training, and coaching on how to coach those that you lead plus coaching for yourself.

You’ll get trained in mastering the thought tools inside and out as well as practical experience in using the science of coaching in everyday situations. I’ll give you personal feedback and guidance on every step, every step of the way. 

If you’re curious and want to learn more, email me here.

Recap

People pleasing means you need the praise, the thanks, the gold star, the grade in order to feel good enough and believe that you matter. You are waiting on someone else to award you with proof of your significance and your value. 

But people pleasing is a shell game. 

You can only ever know your own thoughts and experience your own feelings. You are the ONLY one who decides if you’re doing a good job, serving well, making an impact. 

Connect with Tarah Directly

Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting. 

No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally. 

Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.

She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.

WORK WITH TARAH

JOIN THE WEEKLY EMAIL LIST

And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.

If you're making little things mean a lot, you're not paying attention to the big things. 

Boom. 

Making the little things mean a lot is why you feel deflated, defeated, tired, and alone. 

What are the little things that are getting your attention these days? 

• Laundry on the floor? 

• A cold greeting? 

• A meeting no show? 

• A long wait in traffic? 

• Piles and piles of dishes? 

• How many macros you've had? 

• How many calories you've burned? 

• That one more thing you just have to have/do/be. 

Why do you care? 

What's the big deal? Literally. 

What is the big reason why any of those little things matters to you?  

PAUSE RIGHT NOW AND ANSWER THAT. 

if you're feeling stuck, I guarantee that your fixation is a distraction designed to keep you right where you are. 

Here's what's going on: Your beautiful, perfectly human brain is making a HUGE deal out of those little things so that you don't have the time, energy, gumption, interest or willingness to look at the big things. 

When you're preoccupied with the little things, you will never voluntarily explore the why, deal with the pain, the root cause, or look at what you're deeply, truly afraid to see, because....

If you look with openness and curiosity about what you’re trying to make that little thing mean - instead of self-harming judgement, self-hate, self-destructive sabotage - you will see the big thing you've been missing. And you’re gonna want it. And once you have that clarity, you won't be able to abide your brain's BS anymore. You will have to do something about it. You will be compelled, driven, and inspired into change. Because the big thing is worth it.  

Your brain doesn't want change because it's unknown. 

It's afraid of the unknown because there are inherent risks and possible negative feelings you might feel in those scenarios. 

Your brain patronizingly tricks you into perpetuating the time-suck of all of the millions of little things instead. 

It is so much easier, and way less risky for you to passively comply with those little distractions that gobble up your time, your energy, your money, your days, your life. 

Recognizing this is the first step to breaking out of the hassle, hurt, hustle, and drama. 

Then, you gotta dig - ask yourself why this matters? What would it mean if you had it your way? What are you making that mean that you don't have it? What are you making it mean about you? 

See, once you pause to notice the big things, as it’s so often the case, you may find that you're trying to get/be/do/have the little things so that you can believe that you’re worthy, or loved, or appreciated, or valued, or valuable, or good, or enough. 

When you find that thought - the one that's buried under the little things that's causing you so much pain and anxiety - then you can clean your thinking up. 

When you see the big thing that you really want, the little things become less consuming. 

When you’re clear on the big things that you really want, you can do the healing, the forgiving, the reframing, the intention setting, the visioning, the strategizing, and the planning. 

And THAT is the place you want to live from. 

 That is the driving mindset that makes peace, joy, sufficiency, love, enoughness, and abundance possible. 

The pain of the little things is just showing you you're ready. 

If you'd like some help unpacking, unloading, reworking and getting there for yourself, join the Level Up Membership where you'll get private one-on-one coaching PLUS group coaching PLUS all the training and support as you learn more about why your thoughts are doing what they're doing and how you can use that good science to understand and then love, heal, forgive, and achieve whatever it is that you want in your life. 

Recap

If you're making little things mean a lot, you're not paying attention to the big things and making the little things mean a lot is why you feel deflated, defeated, tired, and alone. 

Keep the big deals the big deals. 

When you see the big thing that you really want, the little things become less consuming and then you can do the healing, the forgiving, the reframing, the intention setting, the visioning, the strategizing, and the planning. 

And THAT is the place you want to live from because that is the driving mindset that makes peace, joy, sufficiency, love, enoughness, and abundance possible. 

Tarah Keech is a Master Life Coach, a burnout prevention and recovery expert, and has a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology and a resume of Fortune 100 consulting. 

No, she can’t read your mind but she knows how your thoughts work and can help you see them and then use them so you can level up your life personally and professionally. 

Basically, she’s a combination of strategist, mentor, and bestie. Except she gives you better advice than your friends do and she teaches you how your brain works so you can take informed action that creates real change.

She helps smart leaders level up their businesses and lives in the Level Up Membership.

WORK WITH TARAH

JOIN THE WEEKLY EMAIL LIST

And to connect with Tarah directly, complete this form.